5:28 PM] cheren: god
[5:28 PM] cheren: i just dig holes
[5:29 PM] cheren: i hate myself, coal
[5:29 PM] cheren: i really fucking do
[5:42 PM] cheren: coaaaall
[6:07 PM] ekoru: Hello
[6:07 PM] ekoru: Are you okay??
[6:07 PM] ekoru: I was eating food i'm sorry i wasn't here :(
[6:07 PM] cheren: im scared
[6:08 PM] cheren: neo rold me i ws busive nd it hurts and i impulsively tied a noose nd weny to look for. a tree but now im sljghgly calner but scre nd and loone nd its dark
[6:08 PM] cheren: its cold qnd ahrs to type ciz im crying ajd it nsnowing but
[6:09 PM] cheren: itrie calling himt o say im orry but he hngs up
[6:09 PM] cheren: noneofthe trees are posible for me to hang nyeof with
[6:09 PM] cheren: but now im scared to go back
[6:09 PM] ekoru: Holy shit dude get back inside and warm up!!
[6:09 PM] cheren: itsdari qnd the road ispiyblack
[6:10 PM] cheren: iwanttomovebht i feel fixed my legs wotn wmove
[6:10 PM] cheren: iwntto die coal i wnt to ie i wnt to die
[6:10 PM] ekoru: Use your phone torch.. get inside and find a teacher to talk to or something
[6:10 PM] ekoru: Friend please no don' tt die i don't want you to
[6:10 PM] cheren: idoynwntto tlj to them its scary plese
[6:11 PM] cheren: i want neo to be here
[6:11 PM] ekoru: Please just get inside and get insrde and get somewhnre safe
[6:11 PM] cheren: and tell me he didnt men it
[6:11 PM] cheren: utikbow he did
[6:11 PM] cheren: i hurt him
[6:11 PM] cheren: im eh l
[6:11 PM] cheren: evil
[6:11 PM] ekoru: I'm sure he didn't mean it!!! He was probably just upset and was being impulsive!!
[6:11 PM] cheren: jn m yg  e worst and i deserve deatg
[6:12 PM] ekoru: No you don't!!!
[6:12 PM] ekoru: Please just get inside and if you don't talk to someone tonight try and talk to someone tomorrow plejsee
[6:12 PM] cheren:

[6:12 PM] ekoru: I'm scared for you
[6:12 PM] cheren:

[6:12 PM] cheren: hement it
[6:13 PM] cheren: imsure
[6:13 PM] cheren: idont thinj i can change so I should rit
[6:13 PM] ekoru: I think you can changn
[6:13 PM] cheren: heturned his fuckigb phone off
[6:13 PM] cheren: j just eant neo
[6:13 PM] cheren: i jusr wsnr neo
[6:14 PM] ekoru: Read what he said, he loves you more than anything. He's probably just taking a break for an hour or two friend
[6:14 PM] ekoru: It's okay
[6:14 PM] ekoru: It's all going to be okayy
[6:15 PM] ekoru: I'm here for you just pleasn don't do anything to hurt yourself and get somewhere safe
[6:15 PM] cheren: whycabt one of these hust hsve a n accesisbke brsnch
[6:15 PM] cheren: i nanagrd to maje the boose but it taunts me
[6:16 PM] ekoru: Throw it awayy ffs
[6:16 PM] ekoru: Please jusj dontj
[6:16 PM] cheren: evebtthe one bird is laufhih at me
[6:16 PM] cheren: iknmm so pathetic
[6:17 PM] cheren: i dont know ehy yiu del eith me
[6:17 PM] ekoru: Becaun i care about you!!!
[6:17 PM] ekoru: You're my best friendd
[6:17 PM] cheren: but i only hurt the peioele i live
[6:17 PM] cheren: im men
[6:17 PM] cheren: and fight ty
[6:18 PM] ekoru: But you aan improve though
[6:18 PM] cheren: andweak
[6:18 PM] cheren: i thoyggt i ws
[6:18 PM] cheren: vut no
[6:18 PM] cheren: i nevwr change d
[6:19 PM] cheren: my toes fele painfuk
[6:19 PM] cheren: i went out in iurdoor shies nd regret ut
[6:20 PM] ekoru: Pleasea get inside anm get warmm
[6:20 PM] ekoru: You coulm get snriously hurt
[6:20 PM] cheren: i jeep trying to ove but my body doesnt wsnt to
[6:20 PM] ekoru: I don't want you hurt
[6:20 PM] cheren: nayve i should just sleep in yhe cold
[6:20 PM] cheren: agg this wqsnt meant to happeni
[6:20 PM] ekoru: Don't!!! Please don't!!!!
[6:20 PM] cheren: felt so sure when i was wlaking
[6:20 PM] cheren: it rook mw 20 minutes ti get gere and i qas so sure
[6:22 PM] ekoru: Pleajjde j"st try walkinp backgg
[6:22 PM] ekoru: Even if it hurtp
[6:24 PM] ekoru: Friemdd are you still there???
[6:24 PM] cheren: imsoryye
[6:24 PM] cheren: im still here i orryi
[6:24 PM] cheren: m sxred vur im trying
[6:25 PM] ekoru: ily friemdd please let me know as soonwas you're safe
[6:25 PM] cheren: i xanr sto bawling
[6:25 PM] ekoru: Neither can i!!!
[6:26 PM] cheren: i try to brrwtht and i just sob
[6:26 PM] cheren: im sorry im makisng you upsetim sorry
[6:26 PM] ekoru: it's okawy just keep walking back pleasee
[6:26 PM] ekoru: Don't appologise!!!
[6:27 PM] ekoru: I jusw want to make sure you're safee
[6:34 PM] cheren: i hope noone sseeds me
[6:34 PM] cheren: i hsve no exusse
[6:35 PM] cheren: for snoty trails andsnow all of over despite indoor shoes and a backpwck
[6:35 PM] ekoru: i'm not stre what to suggest for that friend
[6:35 PM] cheren: I'm stikl s little while off
[6:45 PM] cheren: ... made ir back
[6:45 PM] cheren: i look like a wereck
[6:45 PM] ekoru: that's great!!
[6:45 PM] ekoru: That's understandable
[6:45 PM] ekoru: It's impossible to not look like a wreck after being in snow
[6:49 PM] cheren: neos stgill not back i
[6:49 PM] cheren: im sorry for scaring yoh
[6:50 PM] cheren: that was dumb
[6:50 PM] ekoru: just don't do it again i'm an old man my heart can't handle it lmao
[6:50 PM] cheren: ill try not to
[6:51 PM] cheren: it would be artsy if not freezing and scarry
[6:51 PM] cheren: i took two pictures adter i calmed doen at least which look nice


[6:52 PM] ekoru: Hey they are quite nice
[6:53 PM] cheren: funnily ebough it was dsrker when i left
[6:54 PM] cheren: the uni lit up the sky on the way back but i could barely see on the way there
[6:54 PM] cheren: cani watch something with you i dont want to be alone
[6:56 PM] ekoru: I'm downstairs rn but of course wn can call and watch something together tmnight!
[6:57 PM] cheren: ahisee
[6:57 PM] cheren: maybe
[6:57 PM] cheren: i need to eatsoon
[6:57 PM] cheren: but
[6:57 PM] cheren: i dont want toleave again4
[6:57 PM] cheren: and ims till cold
[6:57 PM] cheren: ah fucl my  typing
[6:58 PM] ekoru: Do you have any snacks at all?
[6:59 PM] cheren: its like, dinner finishes in half an housr
[6:59 PM] ekoru: Warm up first, get something to eat and by then i should be free tm watch stuff
[6:59 PM] cheren: :(
[6:59 PM] ekoru: Ah
[6:59 PM] cheren: ifi don't eat soon i don't have dinner
[6:59 PM] cheren: sad
[7:00 PM] ekoru: can't you make your own food?
[7:00 PM] cheren: dont really gave proper nutrution
[7:00 PM] ekoru: Ah fair point
[7:15 PM] cheren: still not actually warm but need to leave or i wont eat

[7:15 PM] cheren: watched rtgame for a bit, was nice
[7:15 PM] cheren: at least its pasta and meatballs tonight
[7:17 PM] ekoru: Pasta and meatballs is :ok_hand:
[7:22 PM] cheren: im going to have to face neo later
[7:22 PM] cheren: very scared
[7:22 PM] ekoru: he still loves you, don't forget that
[7:23 PM] cheren: if he thinks im abusive i cant tell him whwt i just did but idk what to say or hlw to explain it my brain feells dead
[7:23 PM] ekoru: Be honest with him
[7:23 PM] ekoru: Don't say it in a way that sounds guilt-trippy eithev
[7:24 PM] cheren: i try to be honest with hiim amd thays why im in this situation
[7:24 PM] cheren: j kinda give up
[7:25 PM] ekoru: The way you say it seems to be an issue. You come off as snappy and agressivn even if you're trying to be honest. So maybe try and work on your wording at first?
[7:28 PM] cheren: i get tild that but no matter how i phrase it it comes cross that way
[7:28 PM] cheren: i judt
[7:29 PM] cheren: i try to think of anything i can do or say snd my mind just always cycles to "die then"
[7:29 PM] ekoru: Sometimes it's best to say nothing if you reach that
[7:30 PM] cheren: he yelleed st me for rhsy
[7:30 PM] cheren: i told jim i coukdnt and he still yelled at me
[7:30 PM] cheren: cuz he wrote s lot
[7:30 PM] ekoru: You used to do that to me
I think you and neo both need to improve. It's unfair on him to push all the blame onto you
[7:31 PM] cheren: yeah i know and i feel nad about it noe
[7:34 PM] cheren: i keep rereading it and it stabs me in the fucking heart
[7:36 PM] cheren: i have food but i dont really feel hungry
[7:37 PM] ekoru: Maybe save it for later and reheat it if you don't want it now? To save it going to waste
[7:39 PM] cheren: i cant
[7:39 PM] ekoru: Why not??
[7:40 PM] cheren: dont havr anything to transport it with
[7:43 PM] ekoru: Oh right
[7:44 PM] ekoru: Damn
[7:44 PM] ekoru: Try and eat at least then..
[7:46 PM] cheren: ill eat later
[7:46 PM] ekoru: Ah okay
[7:46 PM] cheren: i couldnt bring myself to
[7:46 PM] cheren: god i
[7:46 PM] cheren: hate this
[7:49 PM] cheren: coal, am i a bad person?
[7:49 PM] cheren: i feel like i am
[7:49 PM] ekoru: No
[7:49 PM] ekoru: You've made bad decisions sometimes, but that doesn't make you a bad person
[7:49 PM] ekoru: Shit happens and you just need to learn from it and grow.
[7:50 PM] cheren: whenever i try to grow it leads me nowhere, and i don't understand how others do
[7:50 PM] cheren: every improvement i make loops back around and i don't get what i'm doing wrong
[7:50 PM] ekoru: Idk how others do it either
[7:51 PM] cheren: i dont really understand why i hurt so much
[7:51 PM] cheren: both myself and others
[7:52 PM] cheren: do other people hurt others this much? i assume not
[7:52 PM] cheren: i don't get why i have claws that other people don't
[7:55 PM] cheren: i wish neo would come back
[7:55 PM] cheren: i don't know how to face him but i'd rather get it out of the way sooner rather than later
[7:56 PM] ekoru: i'm not sure what to suggest on how to facehim
[7:58 PM] cheren: srry for being so clingy today
[7:59 PM] ekoru: It's okay i understanm
[8:07 PM] cheren: canwe watch stuff soon
[8:07 PM] cheren: im feeling anxiety creeping back and i want it to stop
[8:07 PM] ekoru: Yeah i just need to shower!
[8:15 PM] cheren: dad: how was your day?
me: it's been okay. mostly unproductive but it hasn;t been bad :)
[8:25 PM] ekoru: I am back and i am a clean man
[8:26 PM] cheren: Clean!!!!!!!!
[8:26 PM] ekoru: The laptop is loading up rn
[8:26 PM] cheren: wosh ur soul
[8:26 PM] ekoru: My soul is woshed
[8:26 PM] cheren: no clue what we'll watch but
[8:26 PM] cheren: its more for the company, hope u dont mind
[8:26 PM] cheren: what we watch
[8:30 PM] ekoru: I don't mind what we watch!
[8:30 PM] ekoru: I almost typed wash, kill me
[8:30 PM] cheren: got cleaning on the brain
[8:32 PM] ekoru: so shall we call?
[8:32 PM] cheren: yes!
cheren started a call.Yesterday at 8:32 PM
[8:33 PM] cheren: will probably haev to reset now
[8:33 PM] ekoru: i'm  using my mic on the laptop, let me know if you can hear me
[10:12 PM] ekoru: goodnight! sleep well friend
[10:12 PM] cheren: thank you!! you too!
[8:00 AM] cheren: woke up, immediately felt my chest going due to anxiety
good lord
[8:01 AM] ekoru: Aaa that sucks
[8:01 AM] cheren: i hope neo wakes up soon
[8:02 AM] cheren: I wanna kill my anxiety before my 11pm class so i can be productive
[8:02 AM] ekoru: I hope he wakes up soon too
[8:07 AM] cheren: thank you timeline

[8:07 AM] ekoru: GWGWGMJ#KWG@
[8:09 AM] cheren: i love twitter giving you content you never asked for dsasfyjkikfifefuk
[8:11 AM] ekoru: IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THIS
[8:23 AM] cheren: i know he says he still loves me but recently I've been scared about what if neo was to try and cut me out of his life
[8:23 AM] cheren: it stings a lot
[8:23 AM] cheren: i find it difficult to believe he could but he does actually have a purpose beyond me now
[8:24 AM] ekoru: yeah ik
but it's healthy for relationships to have a bump in the road every once in a while
[8:24 AM] cheren: which, btw, fuck mari still
[8:24 AM] cheren: but
[8:24 AM] ekoru: Tbf mari just overall sounds like a dick lol
[8:24 AM] cheren: he is
[8:24 AM] cheren: he's nice sometimes but
[8:25 AM] cheren: i give up trying to get neo to realise
[8:25 AM] cheren: mari sparked this whole argument
[8:26 AM] cheren: though I'm not only blaming mari
[8:31 AM] ekoru: I hope you and neo can eventually sort this out
[8:31 AM] cheren: we've sorted out other problems but this is the first time im a wreck and he's not
[8:32 AM] cheren: we used to be wrecks together
[8:33 AM] cheren: neo doesn't have much of a right to judge me about my life being together when he's the neet and I'm the one with stressful assignments overhead but I'm not gonna ever say that to him
[8:36 AM] cheren: of course his life is more together, his biggest daiky concern is what to draw and what his friends are up to
[8:37 AM] cheren: I'm aware i need to sort myself out and i will but im also not wrong there i just wont say it
[8:38 AM] ekoru: Fair enough
[8:39 AM] cheren: watch him become a stressed wreck again going back to do his two gcses, like every other time he's gone to school
[8:41 AM] cheren: need to get up and do stuff but ive just sorta laid here and cried
[8:45 AM] cheren: god i am sorry for the negativity
[8:45 AM] cheren: i hope i dont drag you dowb
[8:45 AM] ekoru: Eh it's okay
[8:45 AM] ekoru: I just woke up so i'm struggling to process most of it ahah
[8:46 AM] cheren: its ok i just more want someoje to talk at
[8:46 AM] cheren: who wont jufgr ne too hard
[8:57 AM] ekoru: Rest assured i'm not judging you at all ahah