Pa, malapit na christmas

Dear Pa, Palapit na ang Christmas and I still haven't thought of good genuine things I`d want to get, It's really difficult to think of things if Ma constantly reminds us na what we should ask for is something that would benefit us, Di ko really gets, she switches every time na "sure magpakabait kayo to get those things" To "Bakit diba meron ka na nito? and you still have that naman eh, why ask for that". I really don't have the courage to tell it to you face to face pero thank God may ganitong tool to convey what I think recently. I`m really confused... Its either I tell you na than facing Christmas not eventually getting what we are being asked for,

Im just confused pa, Its like two doors and im the one holding my wish list, You most likely would acknowledge it, and mama, another story you would know the outcome, shuts the door right in my face...

And ayun din its really hitting me in the face this year, Why have a christmas list kung hindi naman sya matutupad in a sense.

diba Christmas is like once a year?

Just once a year finally getting the chance to ask for something because its Christmas

I know I may sound Greedy, Walang Pake sa state we are in and all those other things you and mama may think of,
Pero I just wanted to be real and genuine, Sorry na rin if i sound like it, writing this I already sound like it.

Hindi ko to kaya sabihin rin sa harap ni mama kasi alam ko she has her reasons not to get our gifts in the list because di naman yung like "Beneficial, Helpful sa Pag-aaral and other reasons" I can most certainly not answer back clearly and voice my thoughts out, Let's be clear alam ko talking back after any claim from both of you would sound disrespectful kahit I`m just voicing my thoughts. So ayun, naiwan nalang ako dito sa Pastebin to tell you my thoughts, At most certainly di ko kakayanin hindi umiyak sa harapan nyo, Its not easy for me to bottle up my emotions, Its not healthy and most certainly not something I should be practicing if I`m about to start college that would eventually lead me to my future inpendent life alone, You would also notice nung nag comment si mama last night? Yes, I did try bottling up my emotions, not showing any sign of disagreement for her kasi di ko kaya, I simply went up para just to tell you this than argue then boom mas bad ang ending ng gabi.

Pa, 2 lang ang inaask ko sa christmas, Im literally not kidding and asking without any thought whatsoever for a new phone, Im not lying na di na kakayaning ang 4gb sa iba kong apps, And im also not lying when i say na my storage is literally still open for other files, mga 1/4 palang ng internal ang nagagamit so I dont see any clear reason kung bakit sya bumabagal... Di ko rin kayang iaccept ang phones nyo ni mama and you, Pa those are your phones, Its literally asking me if you want your toothbrush para meron akong "bago", Hindi lang ako maarte, and what if binigay ni mama yung phone nya sakin? edi mas mabagal lang rin phone nya... I certainly wont trade your phone also pa, alam ko you cherish that, ilang oras naghanap sa greenhills for a replacement dati, Its better you keep on that. Phone, Ikaw na po bahala sa what brang pero I`d say mga 6-8 gb ang ram para sa katagalan di rin ipapalit... And just for the record, I`m literally on SHS going to College, hindi na simple yung apps na kakailanganin ko katagalan.

And if not a phone, sige I`ll stick with my 3yr old phone, maybe a nintendo switch nalang? I feel like a total "Isip bata" asking for this pero, I`d be happy to receive that also if not a phone kung magagmit ko pa yun.

And here I`m about to end my ramble and just what I wanted to say to you and only you pa... I dont want a heart to heart talk with mama and you really, di ko kakayanin umiyak sa inyo, Pa para talga akong tanga on writing this, Greedy for asking this than other stuff, And Isip bata for the things I want, And also, mahina not to talk to you face to face in this matter.


Sorry pero di ko kayang umiyak ulit, mabilis lang talaga akong umiyak when it comes to things that play with my emotions, I guess something Its the payment for bottling up matters and situations I`ve expeirneced for a long time, pero im ok naman.

Just keep this to yourself pa, I really dont want mama peeking through what i think about the recent matters. Like literally dont tell her about this, i really dont have the energy to reason out with her kung alam ko na wala namang silbe ang pag voice out ko sa kanya if iispin nya na disrespectful ako.

And pa, I know this may sound weird pero I wanted to say na you`re doing a great job as a dad, wag mo isipin na you`re letting me down just by not being clear on what i should be doing in this situation.

I love you so much pa, Im just really confused right now...