CoronaToday at 5:41 PM
i
don't
maybe its my headache talking but i
feel like you don't want to do this
like i pressured you or
something

TaveenaToday at 5:44 PM
in the interest of being honest
i desperately want to make you happy and that's why i reached this point despite not really having any interest in the game.

CoronaToday at 5:44 PM
i just
im not gonna be happy if you're not  happy
i'm selfish but im not that selfish

TaveenaToday at 5:45 PM
i like everyone involved in the game
but i can't
work out how to do it without having a huge anxiety attack
and the worst part is that this isn't even entirely irrational anxiety
like the gender stuff
this is "there is a significant chance i will make a character that will make me feel bad to play"

CoronaToday at 5:47 PM
i think this is "the core framework of the game does not work for me"

TaveenaToday at 5:47 PM
god
it might be
i'm so sorry
i want to do things with you so much and i
have the chance here and i can't make my brain stop doing the stupid stuff

CoronaToday at 5:51 PM
flumps
i cant
expect you to wade through things you cant do

TaveenaToday at 5:53 PM
there's
things i want to do but i just get so scared and feel so guilty
i
don't know if it helps or makes you feel worse so, um, i guess let me know for future reference
but
i started crying because i didn't. want to let you down

CoronaToday at 5:58 PM
in general i dont
enjoy you being upset
like i like to know but not
like
you know

TaveenaToday at 5:58 PM
right. yeah.
um.
that's. what i meant, sorry

CoronaToday at 5:59 PM
i realized that like
as
i was typing
it's just
you're not... letting me down?
i feel like
i knew the problems were here
i just wanted
to pretend they werent
and if i pretended hard enough
you could follow along in my wake?

TaveenaToday at 6:04 PM
i'm sorry, i don't. understand. ><

CoronaToday at 6:06 PM
if
i just
went fast
then the problems that would have stopped you before
would be less real
i would protect you from you by
sequence breaking
i don't know
i'm
trying to explain my head

TaveenaToday at 6:08 PM
i see. ><
i think historically
that's
gone worse for me?
when i put tons of thought into a character that's when... they're the least stressful
when i make impulsive decisions
i realize three days later that i kind of hate what's happened and i'm like "oh god i can't go back now people will yell at me everything's been set in stone oh fuck"
or at least
that's how it happened in one game that's permanently etched in my memory
well
not actually
no-one yelled at me
but Whateley and Linae/Deimo have kinda left me
incredibly scared
of wanting to change ANYTHING

CoronaToday at 6:15 PM
they're just
so far from standard

TaveenaToday at 6:17 PM
and like
i think i'm right to change characters that i find actively unpleasant to play!
but
that doesn't make those interactions where they get angry at me hurt less

CoronaToday at 6:19 PM
well that's because deimo is elitist and not
... entitled, exactly, but  lopsidedly critical, and poses all of his obviously emotional responses as though they're entirely logical

TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
okay full honesty i don't give a shit what deimo thinks

CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
which is exactly the abuser red flags that i was commenting on when he left tlg the first time

TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
he's just also there when linae happens

CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
okay, but he
drags linae along?

TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
and. yeah.

CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
or has

TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
so... um.

CoronaToday at 6:21 PM
i just
have

TaveenaToday at 6:21 PM
when the. "i don't find this character fun" stuff gets caught early then. i feel like i can change it
but if we rush in then i feel like i can't and
god