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  2. CoronaToday at 5:41 PM
  3. i
  4. don't
  5. maybe its my headache talking but i
  6. feel like you don't want to do this
  7. like i pressured you or
  8. something
  10. TaveenaToday at 5:44 PM
  11. in the interest of being honest
  12. i desperately want to make you happy and that's why i reached this point despite not really having any interest in the game.
  14. CoronaToday at 5:44 PM
  15. i just
  16. im not gonna be happy if you're not  happy
  17. i'm selfish but im not that selfish
  19. TaveenaToday at 5:45 PM
  20. i like everyone involved in the game
  21. but i can't
  22. work out how to do it without having a huge anxiety attack
  23. and the worst part is that this isn't even entirely irrational anxiety
  24. like the gender stuff
  25. this is "there is a significant chance i will make a character that will make me feel bad to play"
  27. CoronaToday at 5:47 PM
  28. i think this is "the core framework of the game does not work for me"
  30. TaveenaToday at 5:47 PM
  31. god
  32. it might be
  33. i'm so sorry
  34. i want to do things with you so much and i
  35. have the chance here and i can't make my brain stop doing the stupid stuff
  37. CoronaToday at 5:51 PM
  38. flumps
  39. i cant
  40. expect you to wade through things you cant do
  42. TaveenaToday at 5:53 PM
  43. there's
  44. things i want to do but i just get so scared and feel so guilty
  45. i
  46. don't know if it helps or makes you feel worse so, um, i guess let me know for future reference
  47. but
  48. i started crying because i didn't. want to let you down
  50. CoronaToday at 5:58 PM
  51. in general i dont
  52. enjoy you being upset
  53. like i like to know but not
  54. like
  55. you know
  57. TaveenaToday at 5:58 PM
  58. right. yeah.
  59. um.
  60. that's. what i meant, sorry
  62. CoronaToday at 5:59 PM
  63. i realized that like
  64. as
  65. i was typing
  66. it's just
  67. you're not... letting me down?
  68. i feel like
  69. i knew the problems were here
  70. i just wanted
  71. to pretend they werent
  72. and if i pretended hard enough
  73. you could follow along in my wake?
  75. TaveenaToday at 6:04 PM
  76. i'm sorry, i don't. understand. ><
  78. CoronaToday at 6:06 PM
  79. if
  80. i just
  81. went fast
  82. then the problems that would have stopped you before
  83. would be less real
  84. i would protect you from you by
  85. sequence breaking
  86. i don't know
  87. i'm
  88. trying to explain my head
  90. TaveenaToday at 6:08 PM
  91. i see. ><
  92. i think historically
  93. that's
  94. gone worse for me?
  95. when i put tons of thought into a character that's when... they're the least stressful
  96. when i make impulsive decisions
  97. i realize three days later that i kind of hate what's happened and i'm like "oh god i can't go back now people will yell at me everything's been set in stone oh fuck"
  98. or at least
  99. that's how it happened in one game that's permanently etched in my memory
  100. well
  101. not actually
  102. no-one yelled at me
  103. but Whateley and Linae/Deimo have kinda left me
  104. incredibly scared
  105. of wanting to change ANYTHING
  107. CoronaToday at 6:15 PM
  108. they're just
  109. so far from standard
  111. TaveenaToday at 6:17 PM
  112. and like
  113. i think i'm right to change characters that i find actively unpleasant to play!
  114. but
  115. that doesn't make those interactions where they get angry at me hurt less
  117. CoronaToday at 6:19 PM
  118. well that's because deimo is elitist and not
  119. ... entitled, exactly, but  lopsidedly critical, and poses all of his obviously emotional responses as though they're entirely logical
  121. TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
  122. okay full honesty i don't give a shit what deimo thinks
  124. CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
  125. which is exactly the abuser red flags that i was commenting on when he left tlg the first time
  127. TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
  128. he's just also there when linae happens
  130. CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
  131. okay, but he
  132. drags linae along?
  134. TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
  135. and. yeah.
  137. CoronaToday at 6:20 PM
  138. or has
  140. TaveenaToday at 6:20 PM
  141. so... um.
  143. CoronaToday at 6:21 PM
  144. i just
  145. have
  147. TaveenaToday at 6:21 PM
  148. when the. "i don't find this character fun" stuff gets caught early then. i feel like i can change it
  149. but if we rush in then i feel like i can't and
  150. god
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