Thread 50: Stories 16-30

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 >Actarius
"Past Actarius"
~~~

"So, what's been going on in my life?"

>Here recently? Actually, weirdly enough... current events aside... I've been doing a lot of partying.

"...Yes."

>That is a bit of a creepy smile-

"YESYESYESYESYESSS! I'M FINALLY NOT A LOSER!"

>Uh-

"Oh, oh hell yes! I'm finally able to party with the guys!"

>Well, you party with guys-

"KICK! ASS! Mom's finally going to be proud of me!"

>Er-

"OH! OH SHIT! Tell me that date I'm about to go on goes well!"

>Well, yeah, it does go well I guess-

"FUCKYEEEEEAHHHH! Mom's gonna respect me, the guards don't think I'm a loser anymore, and I have a love life at last! AT LAST! MY LIFE GETS SO AWESOME LATER!"

>...I'm gonna let him dream...

"WOOOOOO!"
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 50AU
>Chrysalis
"Past Chrysalis"
~~~

"...Yep, still sexy."

>HAH! You know it! Some things never change.

"Has my ass gotten bigger?"

>You've been eating well.

"Oh ho ho! So we did manage to conquer Canterlot after all..."

>What? Oh, hell no, I don't want that shitheap. There's a billion things wrong with the place. Naaaw, Shiny's just like, and endless well of the stuff.

"...Shiny? You've managed to infiltrate Shining Armor?... Really!?"

>Infiltrate might be the wrong word. I wish he'd infiltrate something, if you get what I mean.

"You're trying to sleep with him?"

>Repeatedly.

"...Why? He's pretty lame. His kingdom has to be falling apart as well."

>Actually? His infrastructure has stabilized immensely.

"...what?"

>I'm just saying, his economy is great, his foreign policy is great, socioeconomic structure is top tier thanks to everyone being happy, the Empire's banging.

"I'm not a toddler, stop speaking like you were trying to sound silly."

>It's not silly, his currency exchange is one to one with Canterlots! With the time disparity between the two, that's immensely impressive.

"...STOP MAKING UP WORDS!"

>...

"..."

>...Refugee.

"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

>HAH!

"But seriously, Shining Armor? The fact you haven't managed to bed him already is just sad. Just mind control him again, that worked last time."

>We uh... came to the conclusion that is not in the best interests, long term.

"Oh, so we're still doing that?"

>Oh, we're doing THAT.

"That that?"

>That that. And they have no idea.

"...Together now!"

>"HAH!"

"...But seriously, Shining Armor?"

>IT'S COMPLICATED!
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 50AU
>Spike
“PastSpike”
______

Two purple dragons stared at one another across the barren room.

One exuded an almost childlike aura, a positive warmth.

The other, the one clutching the gun, exuded an aura long since iced over with a trial-and-error lifestyle, warmth replaced with the cold tinge of steel.

>…Soooo, you just gonna keep standing there with that look of disbelief? I mean, shoot, I know we’re the same dragon from different points in time but I got over that fact a good five minutes ago.

“Ooooh no, no we’re not.”

>We’re not what…?

“The same. The same dragon.”

>Ha, oh really? And how d’ya figure that one?

“Well, first- and this one’s just a random observation, but you’re holding that metal thing there.”

>It’s a gun. It makes-

“Us nothing alike. I don’t wanna know what it is, don’t care. That’s your thing, not mine.”

>Funny thing about that? It’s gonna be your thing soon enough.

“Then I guess I’ll enjoy being what I am now while I can. …Do you even assist Twi’ anymore?”

>I… what kinda question is that? Look, if you had even the slightest IDEA what I’VE been through to help her out you wouldn’t even have to ask.

“Well that’s a relief….”

>Not really. Suffice it to say, you’re gonna go through some shit. Miles of it.

“Can’t be worse than when having to get Twi’ her two daily dozen hayburgers, right?”

>…

“I swear, since becoming a princess her appetite’s gotten bigger than a manticores! Remember those days?”

>Honestly? After applebutt becoming a princess, Rarity going Jabba for awhile, the robots, nearly being assassinated, finding a catacomb of flesh-eating horrors under Canterlot, another Changeling Queen bigger than life and dealing with puberty, I really don’t remember that, no.

“…”

>…

“WHAT?!”

>Yeah, welcome to the future. The crying corner's over there, don't forget to reserve your spot.
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 NC

Applejack groans heavily, trying to fight off the infection inside her. Her brow drips with sweat and her hooves shake with silent exertion, willing the fungus to pause its assault on her mind.

After many long hours her concentration falters and her eyes go blank.

Applejack lurches out of her office, breaking her self imposed exile.

Her eyes are milky and she stares off in the distance, unsure exactly what she's doing.

Snapping to reality, she hears the call.

SPREAD

Applejack quickly crouches near a wall and bucks it down, tearing a hole in the castle's outer wall.

A handful of infected pegasi land through the hole and begin to follow the Alicorn Princess.

Applejack and her posse stalk the halls for prey, their hoofsteps falling into a steady beat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtbdIjm6vC0

>Come on Cordies, y'all know this one!

>YEEEEEEEHAAAAWW

>We span all the globe, a great contagion
>We hear the call and respond
>We'll spread our spores 'cross the Pony Nation
>Conquer Equestria and beyond!

The pegasi join in

"We're now joined forever, joined up together!"
"We're always looking for mooooore~"

"Nomatter the blow, we will stand and weather"
"Give in now, you're all done for!"

They trot in step down a long hallway.

>There's nowhere for you to run or flee
>Give in, embrace immortality!
>We'll find you quite soon, it's a guarantee
>as we spread out across the land!

"We're now joined forever, joined up together!"
"We're always looking for mooooore~"

"Nomatter the blow, we will stand and weather"
"Give in now, you're all done for!"

They turn a corner.

>No need to applaud
>The fungus weaves
>Spreading is basic as ABC
>It just makes us tougher!
>When you feel it within
>It reaches deep inside and you can't help but grin

Applejack and co. burst into the barracks, the few guards not already deployed taken by surprise

>Take a minute, just sit and think
>Or fight, it will be over in just a blink
>Come join the chain as another link
>Our victory is at hand!

"We're now joined forever, joined up together!"
"We're always looking for mooooore~"

"Nomatter the blow, we will stand and weather"
"Give in now, you're all done for!"
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 50AU

>Screwloose
“PastScrewloose”
_______

>You know what’s the damnedest thing?

“That feeling when you kinda want to rip your own self open to see what you can harvest for a possible army?”

>…

“…”

>Exactly! Wow, thanks, I thought I was the only one there.

“Nope, it was my first thought when I saw you to be honest.”

>Really. Your first thought. Sure it wasn’t ‘holy fucking shit there’s another me here!’ or something like that?

“Why would it? We’ve worked for Fawny and had a near-limitless reach into all things comprising of science. Besides the joy of knowing I haven’t prematurely blown myself up, seeing a future version of myself is actually quite boring.”

>…Point.

“And besides, I’ve glitched into your cell numerous times before using that experimental portal we’d been crafting before things went belly up at Fawny’s. You just never noticed.”

>Oh, I noticed your amateurish flickering about, just wasn’t much I could do while hugging myself.

“Which I can’t help but notice you’re not doing now. Why aren’t we hugging ourselves again?”

>An idiot assistant of ours got himself infected with some weird spore. Seems to be sentient in the realm of host takeovers.

“And now you’re trying to save him.”

>…

“I mean… and now you’re trying to figure how why that is, how long it takes the foreign entity to eclipse the host, gather data, and if you somehow manage to save him during all of that then yay for him.”

>Exactly!

“Thank God you haven’t changed a lick.”

>See these sexy hooves? Nothing's changing for a long time.
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 50AU
>Mayor Mare
"Past MM"
~~~

>Oh wow, past me. Neat.

"Future me! Cool!... Do I ever meet a nice guy? Or at least one who doesn't just want to sleep with me?"

>...Yes to the latter?

"I'll take it!"

>Wow, my standards suck.

"Did you say suck? Who?"

>...I am so embarrassed about that part of my backstory.

"No, what you should be embarrassed about is our paycheck! Who files that thing!?"

>We do.

"Do we?"

>...Hey, about that road-

"Don't care! Twilight will handle it!"

>...I dun wanna go back...
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 50AU
>Chitania
"Kid Chitania"
~~~

>What the fuck!?

"What the fuck!? Who the fuck are you!?"

>I'm... you, I guess? Future you.

"Oh... Oh shit! I actually managed to ascend!?"

>Oh hell yeah, was a glorious battle! You're going to remember it fondly.

"Kickass! Wow, shit, I look... powerful."

>HA! Of course I am! I'm the strongest changeling there ever was! Proven!

"Whooaaaa... does that mean I can..."

>Can what?

"Take on... her?"

>Her? Mother? I already said-

"No no, I mean... you know..."

>...

"...The sun-raiser..."

>...Ha... haha... AHAHAHAH! Oh, for the years when I still found that to be a thing of accomplishment!

"You mean!?"

>Yes! I bested her in battle, broke her back and left her battered on the ground!

"SWEET WALL-BREAKER!"

>I laid waste to her entire city, alone! My devastation reached far and wide!

"Yeah yeah, whatever, does that mean we don't have to hide anymore!?'"

>...Well-

"And that means my hive can just do whatever, right!? We can walk around without our disguises, and we get to have the sun!?"

>Uh-

"OH OH OH! How big is my hive!? Was my brood massive!? I bet it was MASSIVE! Did I run out of names!? Did I have to make up some more!? I'll start making those up now if I did!"

>...

"And what about my heir!? Is she powerful!? Is she even stronger than me!? BY THE GREAT HIVEMIND I BET SHE CAN PUNCH OUT THE MOON!"

>....

"This is great! This means the Queen's aren't dying anymore! The changelings aren't in danger of vanishing! Me and my sisters can finally be free and not have to worry about dying by some stupid nothing! This is amazing!"

>...

"And some day... she's gonna be even better! They're all gonna look up to her, just like us. Someday... right?"

>...

After a solid five minutes of silence, the taller changeling patted her on the head, muttered "Fuck you" and walked off.

"...Was it something I said?"
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 50AU
>SA
"PastSA"
~~~

>...Well, this is a bit confusing.

"Oh, goody, changelings are looking like me now. That's great, love that, totally what I wanted."

>Actually? I think I'm you from the future.

"Really? How far in the future?"

>What's the last thing you remember?

"The bruises from that bug guy punching me have yet to fade."

>...Oh, wow, LONG time. Long, loooong time. Far future.

"FAUSTDAMN IT!"

>Wha-

"I still don't have wings!? Fucking seriously!? What's a guy got to do to become an alicorn!? Is this because I'm a guy!? Discrimination! I call discrimination!"

>Think there's more to it, actually-

"Fuck you, there's more to it! Cadence beat a necklace in a love-off and got superpowers for it."

>...Okay, point, but-

"I commanded her guard for years, and yet somehow I get less recognition than a piece of jewelery!? Bullshit!"

>Uh, we actually did a really terrible job there.

"It was fine!"

>...

"Actually? You know what? I'm putting that aside for just a second, just putting it off in the corner for just a bit, because it might be irrelevant in a second. I know, us not actually getting wings not being relevant sounds crazy, but hear me out. Future me, there is something I absolutely must know! It's vital, my very sanity depends upon it!"

>I'm kind of worried about paradoxes here-

"Does my sex life improve?"

>...Define improve.

"..........................................................................................................................................................................................."

>Wow, okay, you just-

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

>It's not as bad as-

"A doll, future me! She gets me confused with a DOLL!"

>Oh, right, that's going to end pretty-

"You know what? I don't even know why I bother! Celestia's been outright insulting me for weeks, my wife hasn't even noticed I was gone for days on end, Luna despises me, my fucking RAPIST is wandering around the castle unsupervised and nobody gives a shit despite the fact she won't stop bringing up that fact she and I had sex, nobody even cares that I'm a prince, nobody even calls me a prince at all! I somehow have less respect than the pony who spends more bits on hoof polish than hospitals! Why does she get to be the one in charge!? I do stuff!"

>We really didn't-

"And now here you are, proof that even though that fucking bug monster is punching my liver in on an hourly basis, I still don't get wings! I'm getting my ass kicked left right and center while also either being ignored or mocked for NOTHING! I'm not even sleeping with my WIFE! MY WIFE! WHO I AM MARRIED TO! I GET NOTHING FROM THIS BULLSHIT!"

>...

"...I'm gonna go... 'shave in the tub' for a little bit, if you don't mind. If I accidentally wipe you out from existence, I do apologize, but a part of me thinks you'll come to thank me, eventually."

>...Hey, me?

"Yep?"

>You uh, you met Two yet?

"Two?...Oh, you mean ten? Or was she sixty something? She was trying to decide on another number yesterday. You know, while that one changeling was eating my most prized possessions and I got to pretend for the briefest moments anybody actually cared enough to listen to my problems. I'll be frank, I prefer the pretending that someone is listening than my diplomas meaning anything... or my wedding photos, at this point."

>Ah hah... ha...

"What?"

>It gets better.

"I really, really doubt that."

>I guess you'll have to wait and see.

"...Go fuck myself, me."

*Stomps off*

>...Was I always that whiny? No wonder Applejack pulled that shit with my stipend to make a point...
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 50AU
>DT
"PastDT"
~~~

"...Do I have muscles!?"

>Side effect of my extra-curricular activities.

"I still look perfect, though."

>Well, yeah, it's us. Even if we were covered in slop we'd look better than everyone.

"A-duh, you don't have to tell me that, I know how good I look."

>I know, but I just wanted to make sure anyone who might accidentally hear this have their suspicions confirmed that we are, indeed, really attractive.

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Gotta look out for the commoners."

>Someone has to.

"So, how's the life going?"

>Could be better. Sexy's in bad shape, trying to fix that.

"Oh, we got a coltfriend?"

>Pfft, TBDRLIATU is all I need.

"TBDRLIATU?... Oh! He's a rocket launcher?"

>You got it.

"Is he expensive?"

>...

"I just like hearing it."

>So very, very expensive.

"Mmmm... that's nice."

>It is.

"But no coltfriend?"

>Nope.

"Not like I needed one."

>...

"..."

>...I hope this time-warp ends soon, I'm thinking funny thoughts.

"We're looking at the sexiest pony alive, how could we not?"

>You look good.

"You look REAL good."

>...

"..."

>...You wanna-

"It would be a waste not to, I feel."

>That's smart, you're really smart.

"Oh, I'm such a modest pony..."
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 50AU
>Blueblood
"Past Blueblood"
~~~

"Oh, how ghastly! Why must you look so close to me, commoner? Ponies may be confused!"

>...I'm you from the future.

"WHAT!? But your hair is no longer luscious and full! Your mane is like straw, and I do not want to even get started on your coat! And your eyes, you eyes! Did we indulge a little too far?"

>...

"Is that... cleaning fluid I smell on you!? Oh how despicable! One of the help must have spilled it on us! I do hope you fired that incompetent little thing!"

>...

"Your hooves! Have you even been using the polish? We did not import it straight from saddle arabia so it could gather dust, you know!"

>...

"Or maybe we did? I do like the almost rugged look... you know, I think I'm opening up to the dull sheen! Maybe I'll just throw that polish out after all!"

>It cost four thousand bits an ounce.

"Yes yes, we'll be sure to tell them it was worth every bit, regardless."

>I meant that is a lot of money.

"Pfft! How droll! That, a lot? My funding eclipses that so much it's hardly a laughing matter, but I'll do it all the same! Haha! Oh, don't give me that look, I'll just ask Auntie Celestia for more if you're that worried, it's hardly a problem."

>...

"What?"

>Urge to possibly cause time paradox, RISING.
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 >PJ
"PastPJ"
~~~

"Mrmomph?"

>Mrphmpmp.

"MRPHMP!"

>Mrrrmphm.

"Muurrpm...HRM!"

>Meruemem.

"...Mruphm?"

>Mem.... mum... muum...

"MRRRRRRPPPPMMM!"

>MRRRPPPPPPHHMMMM!"

>"MRRRPPPPMMMMMM!"
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 50AU
>JJ
"Past JJ"
~~~

>...

"...So, uh, do we ever-"

>No.

"...Fucking holes."

>Fucking. Holes.
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 >007
"Past 7"
~~~

>Wow, was I really that weird looking in the past?

"Hey, fuck you."

>Whatever.

"So, what's been going on in the future?"

>Oh, nothing much... I just got THIS!

"NO FUCKING WAY!"

>Uh huuuuh!

"WE GOT HER PRETTY HAIR!?"

>Yep. Right out of the green strand too.

"DUUUDE! How!?"

>I asked.

"...huh."

>Yep.

"So, everything's going good?"

>...

"What?"
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 50AU
>SA
"PastSA"
~~~~

>...Huh, that time thing is still open-

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*

"OKAY! SO! HEY! I JUST NOTICED THAT CHRYSALIS IS OVER THERE! TALKING TO CHRYSALIS!"

>... the horror...

"ABOUT US!"

>...The... horror...

"No, fuck that! WHAT THE FUCK!? SHE LIVES WITH US!?"

>Oh... yes.

"WHAT!?"

>Well, she is.

"WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHYYYYY!?'

>I ask myself that sometimes too.

"You should be asking it only once and then neve again because WHY IS THE MIND CONTROLLING BUG RAPIST IN OUR CASTLE!?"

>Wow, that is a long, very complicated story.

"... okay, NO!"

>No?

"NO! I swear, if you tell me we're sleeping with her, I will KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW!"

He pulls out a knife, sticking it under his own throat.

>HOLY SHIT! Calm down!

"I'll do it, man! I'll do it right now!"

>We aren't having sex!

"She mentioned bed!"

>She just sleeps in the bed sometimes!

"..."

>...Not gonna lie, even I have no idea how that one happened. But now it keeps happening.

"..."

>Were you really going to kill yourself over that?

"I'm pretty pathetic, man, but I will NEVER CHEAT ON CADENCE!"

>Correct.

"...Oh, okay."

>...

"...Still considering it, she's loud."

>Get ready, you will feel this many, many a time with her in your life.

"Why put up with it, then?"

>...it's complicated.

"..."

>...Gonna put the knife down?

"Still considering it."

>I do not blame you... I do not blame you...
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 50AU
>Cadence
"Past Cadence"
~~

>... I looked so much prettier back then.

"DAMN IT, CHRYSALIS! Stop it! This isn't funny anymore! And how did you get in my Empire!?"

>I miss it when I could ask that.

"What!?"

>You from the future.

"Oh, okay."

>...just okay?

"Not really a big deal."

>Huh.

"But I do kind of want to ask, not to sound catty I know I can do that sometimes, but why do you look so..."

>...

"...Not pretty."

>My budget for pretty has been slashed.

"NOOOOOOO! THOSE MONSTERS! THOSE UNSPEAKABLE MONSTERS! Tell me who did it right now, I will have them thrown in the dungeon and or threaten to withhold snuggling depending on the answer!... Do I have a dungeon?... Better question, when IS the last time we snuggled?"

>...

"ME! Do I have a dungeon?"

>Yes.

"Ha ha! Then dungeon it is!... Unless I feel like decorating it. Or making Shiny decorate it... where is he anyway? Okay, think, last time I saw him was... oh! Right, when we went shopping last week!"

>That was a doll.

"No no, you're supposed to call boys beefcakes, girls are the ones who get called dolls. Also, that was like so last year, get with the times. Or did it loop back around? OH! Tell me when so I can get ahead of the trend!"

>...

"Oh, I know that look, and I hear you! I'll start hiding my beauty products right now! That way, I can just pull them out when my budget gets slashed!...Now where am I going to get the funding... OH! I KNOW! That one thing with the wings!"

>The hospital?

"BRILLIANT! Nobody would ever think I got it from there! You're so smart, me!"

>But your kingdom-

"Will be fine, I know, so long as they see me look good!"

>Uh, Shiny will-

"Nah, he won't mind. He's been too happy recently to be a problem. He's smiling all the time!"

>That's a-

"This is brilliant! Me is so smart! Later! WHEEE!"

*trots off*

>...Did I just create a stable time loop?
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