Aug 30 1993 David Letterman

SPEAKER: This is CBS.

SPEAKER: From the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight Bill Murray and Billy Joel, plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS orchestra.

ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest novelties. A fabulous boy prodigy. The most amazing of all the chimp acts that've ever come to show business.

You said as you recall everybody remembers this one. Here's an act that will scare the life out of you. From China, he’s been to India he's been all over the world.

Just back from Las Vegas, the Italian Casanova. A Texas friend of mine. My handsome Italian paisano. Today's greatest living American.

Here's the man I invited to Christmas dinner. David Letterman.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you, wow. Thank you very much.. Thank you. Ahh that’s great.

AUDIENCE: Dave, Dave, Dave. . .

DAVID LETTERMAN: Please, thank you. No, really thank you. Please. Thank you. You know, you know ladies and gentlemen hold on here. Hang on a second.

If you think about it all I really did was take the summer off. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

My name is Dave, and I checked this now with the CBS attorneys, and legally I can continue to call myself Dave, so. . . Yes sir.

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but there was some discussion when I left my old job at NBC there was talk that maybe they would sue me if this show was anything like the old show.

And frankly, I never took it very seriously because for one thing I thought well the legal department at NBC has their hands all tied up defending that ”Dateline” NBC show.

So they’re not -- and I just -- I never took it seriously. And then, this morning I wake up, and next to me in bed is the head of a peacock, so I don't know.

I would like, ahh -- I would like to thank the, ahh good folks, ahh here at CBS for taking the low-key approach to promoting this show. The Gulf War didn't get this kind of coverage.

Ladies and gentlemen this is not a promo this is the actual show.

I'm very excited about working for CBS I just found out in addition to doing this show every night it turns out next week I get to kill a guy on “Murder she Wrote.”

So I guess -- you folks are now in a, in a part of, ahh television and entertainment history here in the Ed Sullivan theater. It’s, It's a marvelous wonderful edifice, and we couldn't be happier to be here.

And I’m, I'm telling you something: there is a palpable sense of history here.

And, ahh a couple of weeks ago the construction people were finishing up with the renovation on the building, and they, they busted through a wall downstairs.

And they, they found a 45-year-old woman still down there screaming Ringo. All right.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ringo.

DAVID LETTERMAN: This, this is kind of odd. Uhmm remember that woman who kept breaking into my home?

Well she, she started breaking into my home again, but now she’s doing it an hour earlier.

I have no idea why. No idea what’s that. . . You know everytime you applaud that like -- like that it makes me feel I may have won a Tony. Thank you.

Ahh, other than that I had a, ahh a pretty good summer kind of relaxing. I-I think I must’ve gone two months without seeing Buttafuoco.

I’m rested, and ready to go. What? Oh my goodness, everybody it’s Tom Brokaw. From the NBC Nightly News it’s our old friend Tom Brokaw

TIM BROKAW: Dave, big night for you. I wanted to come across the street, and say hello and wish you well, wish you reasonably well. But I’m a little shocked frankly.

Dave, I’m kind of disappointed.

The fact is these last two jokes are the intellectual property of NBC.

Who would’ve thought you would ever hear the words intellectual property and NBC in the same sentence? Stunning isn’t it?

Ahh ladies and gentlemen we have a wonderful program tonight. Bill Murray, Billy Joel. You bet. Do me favor now. Say hello to our good friend Mr. Paul Shaffer. Paul.

Paul, nice to see you. Good to have you here.

PAUL SHAFFER: Hi Dave. Hi everybody. Welcome to Old Broadway baby. It’s a nutty street welcome to it.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you very much Paul, and thank you everybody in the band.

You know, I guess it was in February of this year, and we were trying to decide whether we were going to do the show, ahh here in New York City, or whether we were going to go to California and do it.

And one day we came to the theater and it was cold, ahh natsy, ahh rainy, chilly, ugly day. and we came into the Ed Sullivan

Theater, and frankly in, in, in those days this theater, ahh was kind of a dump.

It was like big choking clouds of smoke and, and, and standing water, and so, ahh it -- obviously it appealed to us right away.

But the transformation this facility has undergone since those early days is truly a thing of wonder.

And we thought tonight maybe you people would get a kick out of, ahh looking at how the theater was back there in February, and the progress and the wonderful job that has taken place virtually non-stop since then to transform it into this wonderful new facility.

Go ahead Hal. Roll the video tape of the theater in progress.

[ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOOTAGE]

Pretty nice.

I want you to, ahh I want you folks to, ahh help me welcome, and really say thank you to the men and women who worked non-stop, tirelessly, around the clock.

And who did such a wonderful job renovating this theater.

Folks, the people who did all the hard work, our construction workers. Paul bring them in here.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Dave.

DAVID LETTERMAN: You folks did a wonderful job you have my undying gratitude.

Ahh get back on the streets and start hollering at girls. We have to pause for a commercial ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back here with Bill Murray.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you very much. Thank you Paul. Welcome back to the show. On the, ahh program tonight Bill Murray of course, and, ahh Billy Joel.

I want to take a second here to, ahh say a couple of things about Ed Sullivan, the man for whom this theater is named.

Here was a guy who every Sunday night had his own variety show on CBS for about 28 years, and, and a,a, ahh -- certainly a hero in the history of broadcasting.

And I believe it's safe to say a significant part of American culture of the day.

PAUL SHAFFER: Absolutely.

DAVID LETTERMAN: And we're in this theater named for him, as I mentioned now, and it’s, ahh. . . You can -- there's a sense. There's almost a palpable feeling that the man -- his presence is still here.

And, and I was wondering if maybe with your cooperation, and if we have a second I could try and contact the spirit of Ed Sullivan.

PAUL SHAFFER: Sure.

DAVID LETTERMAN: So I'm going, I’m going to -- from you I'm going to need some of that spooky, swami kind of mysterious --

PAUL SHAFFER: My specialty.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Okay, here we go. And I'm not really going into a trance, but I'm going to concentrate very hard. It's a little -- a little. . It’s a little trick I learned on the psychic network --

PAUL SHAFFER: Uh-huh.

DAVID LETTERMAN: -- Psychic Friends hotline.

PAUL SHAFFER: Psychic Friends Network.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah. Okay, I'm going to try and bring in the spirit of, ahh Ed Sullivan,

DAVID LETTERMAN: See if he likes what we've done with the place.

PAUL SHAFFER: Yeah, all right.

DAVID LETTERMAN: He showed up said, “ Ahh, what a dump I'm going home.” All right, here we go. Ed Sullivan, now let's just see if we can't. . . Okay, easy. Oh my God, there he is. Look Paul.

ED SULLIVAN: …Tonight, the star of “Hustler” and his new picture “A New Kind of Love” at paramount. It co-stars with his wife Joanne Woodward, and the picture’s opening as you know in the United States now.

They were supposed to be on our show tonight. Joanne's got a very bad cold, and they’re coming on some other time. But I want you to meet Paul Newman.

Stand up there, and take a bow won’t you please.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Paul, how are you? Good to see you. All right. It’s actually Paul Newman. Welcome to the program Paul. Thank you very much for dropping by.

PAUL NEWMAN: It’s great... Where the hell are the singing cats?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh, no, so this is not “Cats” this is my TV show.

PAUL NEWMAN: I'm in the wrong theater.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thanks Paul. You know, I like, I like two things about that. Paul has got a thing there that he does that I don't have. He's standing up people are cheering for him, and he turns around and he's doing this.

And they go nuts. And then, and then to me he says, “Where the hell are the singing cats?”

PAUL SHAFFER: Singing cats, yeah. Well, now you got it.

DAVID LETTERMAN: The spirit of Ed Sullivan drops by, and introduces Paul Newman from the studio audience.

PAUL SHAFFER: We are lucky, lucky people.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ladies and Gentlemen it's that time of the night. It's time now for our Top Ten List. Here we go. That's about a million bucks right there.

Speaking of a million bucks Paul Newman looks like a million bucks.

PAUL SHAFFER: Sure does.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Where the hell are the singing cats?

Ahh the category tonight from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa. Here we go. Ahh ways -- top 10 ways the new show will be a lot better. Here we go.

Ahh number 10, ahh kids watch free. You can't beat that.

Ahh number 9, no more relying on cheap GE jokes of course unless we're really stuck.

Ahh number 8, my new rapping Dave character.

Ahh number 7, inhaling asbestos particles from renovation makes me extra wacky.

If they applaud really loudly everyone in tonight's audience gets a brand new car.

You'll have to do much better than that.

Ahh number 5, no more pressure to book NBC President Robert C. Wright's son-in-law, Marv Albert.

Ahh number 4, it's the same show better time. New. . . Oh, for the love of God stop saying that.

Ahh number 3, I'm more focused since my break up with Loni. Well, it's true. Sad, sad, but true.

Ahh, number 2, every Friday Paul and I swap medication. Watch for that you'll be glad you did.

And the number 1 way the new show will be better. It's a whole new wardrobe for Vanna.

Hey. Whoo. I could, I could use me some time off.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Paul Newman stands up and says, “Where the hell are the --

-- singing cats?”

DAVID LETTERMAN: It's like, It’s like a dream come true, but then there's also a little embarrassing insult connected with it.

PAUL SHAFFER: Ain't life like that.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Our first guest has been, ahh the very first guest on every first television program we've ever done. Ladies and gentlemen here he is, our good friend Bill Murray. Bill.

Nice to see you Bill. That was some entrance. Are you all right?

BILL MURRAY: I went to the other place. There’s nobody there. God, is it dead over there. Dead.

DAVID LETTERMAN: They'll be somebody there in a couple of weeks.

BILL MURRAY: People crying.

DAVID LETTERMAN: No.

BILL MURRAY: Sad

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know that was -- that entrance --

BILL MURRAY: I’m sorry.

DAVID LETTERMAN: -- was truly amazing.

BILL MURRAY: And that wasn't even the entrance that I had planned.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Really.

BILL MURRAY: No, I wanted to, you know, to something really special. For everybody I -- I'm really. I'm late. I'm in the wrong place.

I've -- they were waving me up the street, you know, and they call your name, you know. And then -- Oh, I just think I, I had, I had something really, really good too, so. . .

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, what did you have planned? You can do it again if you like. You want to try it again?

See, Bill Murray kisses me. That's the kind of thing we couldn't do at 12:30. Ladies and gentlemen here is our good friend Bill Murray.

BILL MURRAY: Oh God, what a night.

DAVID LETTERMAN: That was much better. Now, that was an entrance.

BILL MURRAY: What a night.

DAVID LETTERMAN: I'm glad Mr. Newman wasn't here to see that.

BILL MURRAY: Oh, gah-lee. Oh, what. . . Doesn't he look great.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Looks like a million dollars, that Paul Neuman --

BILL MURRAY: Hit the applause light will you somebody.

DAVID LETTERMAN: No.

BILL MURRAY: Yeah. Oh no, it’s not. Oh no, it's really it’s an honor to be on a show with you and Mr. Newman, Mr. Brokaw, this great, great studio audience here at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Aw, dang it.

DAVID LETTERMAN: What's the matter? Are you all right? You seem a little preoccupied.

BILL MURRAY: Dave. Oh God, I can't even, I can't even say it. I'm such a coward.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Is there trouble? Is there trouble at home Bill?

BILL MURRAY: Yeah, Dave I'm such a coward. Oh, help me, help me man. I want, I want to come clean, but I'm just, I'm such a coward. Gah.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Why don’t you take some deep breaths, and just relax, and t-tell me what's the problem is here.

BILL MURRAY: Dave, I I've been living a lie for the last 10 minutes.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, what? How bad can it be?

BILL MURRAY: Well, Dave I must -- I don't know where it started. You know, I came from from a big family. I needed attention.

And, like I got to come out here. I can't just walk out, and waive, or do this thing. I got to, I got to do a back-flip, fall down --

DAVID LETTERMAN: That's all right.

BILL MURRAY: Just anything --

DAVID LETTERMAN: I know…

BILL MURRAY: -- to get some kind of response from the audience.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, that's all right Bill you don't have to apologize for that.
BILL MURRAY: I'm so desperate I'll do anything.

DAVID LETTERMAN: No.

BILL MURRAY: I’ll lie about it. I lied. I'm living a lie Dave. I didn't belong up here on the stage a few minutes ago.

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know, you could win a Tony. What is the problem what are you talking about?

BILL MURRAY: Maybe then I’d feel a little more s-secure. Dave, do you remember those 200 brave local New York union workers who raided this place?

DAVID LETTERMAN: It was more like 600, but yes I do. I-I remember them yes.

BILL MURRAY: Well, I knew that this audience was going to go mad for them just mad for them. I knew they were going to go nuts for them because what they did to this dump.

I knew they were going to crazy, you know, and I knew you -- I wanted what they were going to get.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Right, but you don't deserve that, so that's all right.

BILL MURRAY: Of course I don't deserve it, but I took it. Don't you see.

DAVID LETTERMAN: No I don't see. I don't know what --

BILL MURRAY: This is me talking. Maybe you've never heard this voice before, but this is what I sound like when it's really me.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh.

BILL MURRAY: I'm such a coward.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Tell -- just what are you talking about?

BILL MURRAY: Dave when those guys, those brave guys, walked out here. Hal.

HAL GURNEE: Yes, Bill.

BILL MURRAY: Hal, you didn't happen to tape the show from the beginning did you?

DAVID LETTERMAN: We usually just taped it intermittently.

HAL GURNEE: We did. We did. We did.

BILL MURRAY: Can you show Dave when those brave construction workers came on the stage?

HAL GURNEE: Sure. Roll that tape.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All right, this is fascinating. All right, let's see. What are you talking about? Okay, they're there. Oh, no. You had no business being out there.

You didn't belong out there. I'm shook about this.

BILL MURRAY: Oh God, you do love me. You do love me.

DAVID LETTERMAN: We have to pause for a commercial. We'll be right back here with Bill Murray.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yes sir. All right. Bill Murray is on the program this evening also Billy Joel. How cool will that be a little bit later, Billy Joel? Yes, sir.

And, ahh we were chatting with our old friend, ahh Bill Murray.

What else is going on in your life? Anything else on your mind? Anything you want--

BILL MURRAY: Forget my life right now. Just what you just did --

DAVID LETTERMAN: What's the matter?

BILL MURRAY: It's payback time now man. You did me a solid I'm doing you one right now.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh, I did you a solid? How many solids do you need a day?

BILL MURRAY: A huge solid is good for like days and days and days.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Okay, all right.

BILL MURRAY: That was a huge solid.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, sure anytime I can help I'll be more than happy to.

BILL MURRAY: It's payback time. Something's been troubling me all day. I'm going to do something about it right now. I got in a cab coming over here.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Right.
BILL MURRAY: Guy says, “Hey, what are you up to?” I said, “I'm doing the new Dave Letterman Show.” Driver says to me, “Who's Dave Letterman?”

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

PAUL SHAFFER: No.

BILL MURRAY: I said, “Wait a minute. W-w-what's your story now? What are you doing just --”

“Well, I work a day shift, you know. I wake up I go to the. . .”

“Mr. Dave Letterman. Late Night It's a late show. C'mon, c'mon.” He goes, “ Well, I'm in bed at 12 o'clock.”

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah well there, see that's the problem.

BILL MURRAY: It hits me. There are a lot of people who don't really know who you are.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: I mean there -- I -- and I think this could be a bit of a problem for you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Maybe we can get the network to run some promos.

BILL MURRAY: Look, every, every little bit is going to help, and I think we got to get started on that. I-I just think that there's. . .

I mean because I think you've got the late night people.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Right.

BILL MURRAY: You've got the bakery, you know.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Sure.

BILL MURRAY: You know, you got like the custodial people -- clean up offices in the middle of the night.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Dairies, people working in dairies.

BILL MURRAY: Dairies.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: The insane asylums they’re all up watching you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: I just think you've got over that -- those -- the people you want to go after are the people who, like wake up, you know when the sun comes up, and basically when it's down they have a couple more hours, and then they go to sleep.

DAVID LETTERMAN: The nine-to-fivers.

BILL MURRAY: Yeah, that's your target audience.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah, okay good.

BILL MURRAY:That's who you want to get to know you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: It makes sense, yeah.

BILL MURRAY: You know Chevy Chase told me an interesting thing once. He said, “When in doubt put your name in front of you, and people will know who you are.”

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, that's not a bad idea.

BILL MURRAY: And You know what I remember that. I keep these things. I keep these things. I-I-I keep these, and it works. Believe it. It works. You know. Here you go. There.

And then, look.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh, a little name tag. Very nice.

BILL MURRAY: Dave.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: Okay, look.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you. I-I-I get it...

BILL MURRAY: Take all of these.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All right

BILL MURRAY: You know.For later. Because you’re going to -- you know, later on you're going to change that jacket, you know, put it on another jacket. You know. Wait, wait.

DAVID LETTERMAN: I'm feeling -- I'm feeling a little like a Shriner.

BILL MURRAY: This is nuts, but you know what? The other thing that he said to me was, “ Get your picture. . .” have you got a driver's license on you?

Because if you can put a picture --

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know there was a time --

BILL MURRAY: -- and a face and a name.

DAVID LETTERMAN: -- when I didn't have a driver's license. They gave, they gave it back. Oh, here. Yeah, right there. There you go.

BILL MURRAY: Can we get shot of this?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Right over there.

BILL MURRAY: Take a look, here. Can you get a shot of this. See there you are Dave Letterman, and then you're over there on what? 9119 Old Creek -- Dry Creek Road.

It's right there. You know, and now, now, you got this going for you. It's like --

DAVID LETTERMAN: Come on by Sunday if you can.

BILL MURRAY: You know, and the thing is... Believe me this is going to work.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All these.

BILL MURRAY: They’re -- people are going to drive by the house, and go, “Oh,” you know, drop in, say, “Hi.” Say, “You know who we visited the other day. Dave Letterman.”

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: And if you're not there, “Hey he's not there.” You know what I mean?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: Yeah, you know what this worked for big time?

DAVID LETTERMAN: No.

BILL MURRAY: Presley.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Is that right?

BILL MURRAY: It kind of got him off the ground. People are still going by his house, and he hasn't been there for years.

DAVID LETTERMAN: He's older. Anything else any other little tips?

BILL MURRAY: Oh, this is nuts, but's it's going to work.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: You know what they do here in the daytime? You know, people come in here all day long don't they?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: They're in here all day long. They come in here and they do the (inaudible 00:034:03) here in the afternoon.

DAVID LETTERMAN: That's right . I think they -- I think they do as well. We’re sharing this theater with Joker as well.

BILL MURRAY: People are going to look up here and see this desk, and what are they going to say? You bet Johnny Bench doesn't know jack does he.

DAVID LETTERMAN:I think you may. . .

BILL MURRAY: You get the bright idea. .

DAVID LETTERMAN: I,I knew when it was a mistake.

BILL MURRAY: Yeah, and then they’re going to walk up here. You know another thing you do, another thing you do, you're in crowd of people walking down the street.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Da.

BILL MURRAY: A lot of people you just go --

DAVID LETTERMAN: Da, da,

BILL MURRAY: Da.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Da.

BILL MURRAY: You’re with a lot of people. You’re in a big crowd of people you just go, “Dave, hey Dave.” People turn around, and they look at you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All right.

BILL MURRAY: And they connect.

DAVID LETTERMAN: They're right here.

BILL MURRAY: Dave. The face.

DAVID LETTERMAN: That's an instant reinforcement absolutely.

BILL MURRAY: But you got to pay the ultimate price Dave.

DAVID LETTERMAN: What is that?

BILL MURRAY: Personal appearances.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Personal appearance, sure. Yeah, I'll be happy to.

BILL MURRAY: Take my hand.

DAVID LETTERMAN: What are you doing?

BILL MURRAY: Come on let's go.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Now, wait a minute hold on. Hey.

BILL MURRAY: Come here. Come on. Hey, hey who's that? Who's that?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Hi, how are you?

BILL MURRAY: It's Dave, it's Dave. Who's that? Who is that? Who's that? In that in the audience, so they can see. Tell them Dave gave you that all right. Here.

Dave Letterman, okay. Dave it's Dave. What's his name? What's his name?

Multiple Speakers: Dave.

DAVID LETTERMAN: How are you? How are you. If we're not back somebody lock up all right.

BILL MURRAY: Okay, you ready?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

BILL MURRAY: Here’s the big one. Hey, everybody look it's Dave, Dave Letterman. Now say it.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Hi, how are you? I'm Dave. Thank you very much. We'll be right back.

DAVID LETTERMAN: And time. Put the little thing, the little thing right in there. Yeah. I-I said it like two months ago. I said, “ It’s a waste of time stealing NBC paint.”

SPEAKER: Yeah.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen joining us on the program tomorrow another old friend of ours. Robin Williams will be here.

Yep. Also, John Mellencamp, and we have a young man who is a geography expert young Jonathan Estrada. He’s about eight, six, nine. How old is he? He’s about eight.

PAUL SHAFFER: He’s eight, six, nine.

DAVID LETTERMAN: And he knows everything about, about geography. You know when you begin a brand new television program, which you need your most valuable resource, new ideas.

And what better way to sample and obtain new ideas than go right to Mr. and Mrs. Front porch.

So a couple of weeks ago we took our camera crew out to a lovely community in New Jersey to get new ideas for the brand new show. Roll it here Hal.

Hi, how are you?

SPEAKER: Oh, I’m okay. What’s going on?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, we’re, ahh talking to people about the television. Do you have a second?

SPEAKER: Sure.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All right, thank you.

SPEAKER: Oh, I can’t believe it.

DAVID LETTERMAN: How much television a day do you think the average American watches? On an average?

SPEAKER: Five.

DAVID LETTERMAN: 22 ½ hours a day. That’s the average.

SPEAKER: Wow, wow.

DAVID LETTERMAN: That’s unbelievable. I-I have cable, and I get a thousand channels.

SPEAKER: Do you really?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah, I get some channels from Mars. What about wardrobe, would you like to see me in a tank top?

SPEAKER: Sure why not.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ooh, well thank you very much. Do you have any idea who you’re talking to now?

SPEAKER: No I don’t.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahh, that’s, that’s. . . I guess that’s all right.

SPEAKER: And I’m totally embarrassed.

DAVID LETTERMAN: No, you shouldn’t be embarrassed. No, I’m Bryant Gumbel.

SPEAKER: Oh, nice to meet you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Nice to meet you. When you turn on television would you like to see more Norwegians, Mexicans --

SPEAKER: Oh, don’t even start it with foreigners --

DAVID LETTERMAN: Swedes.

SPEAKER: -- with me. Forget it, good bye.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Texans, Egyptians, Canadians.

SPEAKER: All the foreigners...

DAVID LETTERMAN: Hey, are we done talking to you?

Well, what do you think of your neighbor, Mrs. Able?

SPEAKER: I don’t know. Who is Mrs. Abel?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh, she’s just goofie and she won’t shut up.

SPEAKER: I got to see the outcome of this I --

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah. well, you know, we’re finished talking to you. Now, go back into your house.

SPEAKER: I’ve seen this so many times.

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know we didn’t bring that much tape. Okay, thank you it was a pleasure meeting you guys.

SPEAKER: Yes, would you like something cold to drink?

DAVID LETTERMAN: If I told you that on my show you’d see naked women on a regular basis would you pay to see that.

SPEAKER: No, I wouldn’t.

DAVID LETTERMAN: If I told you we had a couple of naked women in the van down the street would you pay to see that?

SPEAKER: No, I wouldn’t.

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know, I’ll tell you something when you talk about foreigners you know who gives me the willies, Canadians.

SPEAKER: Well, very. . .

DAVID LETTERMAN: Do they kind of make your skin crawl?

SPEAKER: I went to school there.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Oh, in Canada. Oh, so. . . Oh, you’re out here sure-shooting your mouth off about America inaudible --

SPEAKER: Oh, no. I work for an advanced hairstyling there. I didn’t go to college there. I went to college in the United states.

DAVID LETTERMAN: You know the Canadians are very advanced when it comes to hairstyling.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahh we’re out here. It’s hot, hotter than heck. Ahh the equipment’s overheating. Will you do me a favor and turn your hose on the camera?

SPEAKER: Oh, my God.

SPEAKER: I’m a true climber I couldn’t look up at the sun. I’d bust -- I got hit by train. I busted a rib, so it was my first year roping

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

SPEAKER: The first about six year it was the first year I really couldn’t look up --

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah.

SPEAKER: -- at the sun. Anywhere near the sun. you know, the stuff worked though.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Can you climb a tree for us now? Here’s your show. Now, watch. You’re going to bust your rib. Be careful.

Not only is he climbing a tree he’s smoking while he’s climbing a tree. Yeah.

Could we use more goats on the new show?

SPEAKER: Uh I don’t know. I really don’t know.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, you know, the first rule of show business, you can’t lose with goats.

SPEAKER: Well, isn’t that nice.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah, I’m going to say two words to you and I want your honest reaction if you’re watching a television show meat giveaways.

Would you watch a television program that had naked people on playground equipment?

SPEAKER: Well, I think it’d give me the business. You know, Dave Letterman on the TV program.

DAVID LETTERMAN: That's the same one actually for awhile I anchored the nightly news. And then, and then that didn’t go so well.

SPEAKER: You’re not David Letterman what is your real name?

DAVID LETTERMAN: Dave. Regis Philbin.

Is it all right if me and the crew and everybody gets in your pool? I’ve got a Japanese guy coming down the street.

SPEAKER: Oh, they can go back to Japan.

Oh, okay. Are we done for the day? New ideas. We’re going to pause now for another commercial. When we come back Billy Joel.

BILL MURRAY: Everybody move left. Yeah.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Nice to see you. And as always it is it’s me Dave. As if being married to a leggy super model wasn’t enough.

Ahh this man almost has the largest selling album in the country right here.

It’s called River of Dreams, and we are honored to have him as our very first musical guest. Ladies and gentlemen Billy Joel.

[BILLY JOEL PERFORMANCE]

Billy Joel Ladies and gentlemen. Billy Joel. You sound great. Congratulations on the album.

BILLY JOEL: Congratulations to you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you very much. We’ll be right back with Billy Joel folks.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Welcome back. Billy Joel, that was great. Was it fun working here in this theater?

BILLY JOEL: It was amazing working here because this is where I saw the Beatles for the first time.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Were you actually in the audience when they were --

BILLY JOEL: No, I was at my friend’s house. I didn't have a tv at the time. I had this friend he wasn't really my friend. He had a TV.

And I saw the Beatles, and I said, “That’s what I’m going to do.” That’s the reason I’m here now.

DAVID LETTERMAN: A-and that began your musical career, or you were already musical as a gift?

BILLY JOEL: No, I had taken piano lessons before that.

DAVID LETTERMAN: What was the first motivation to get into music for you? Was it just you felt you had a talent or . . .

BILLY JOEL: My mother made me take piano lessons, but the rock and roll part of it was to me girls.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Girls.

BILLY JOEL: Yes.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Well, you’ve done all right in both categories.

BILLY JOEL: I-I happen, I happen to think anybody who says, you know, some other reason for going to music is lying.

DAVID LETTERMAN: They’re lying. We’ve alluded to your wife, and ahh tell us about the cover of the new CD.

BILLY JOEL: She painted the cover for the album, and, ahh she disappeared for about two weeks upstairs. It was kind of lonely, ahh and said I’m going to paint the album cover.

And I thought, “What if I don’t like it? How do I say I don’t like it?” But she brought it down, and it was good. So --

DAVID LETTERMAN: It turned out very nice. Maybe if she can touch up our desk after the show.

BILLY JOEL: She could definitely do a better job.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahh did. . . Were you, were you.

BILLY JOEL: What’s this, the Dadaist movement here.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Were you vacationing with the, ahh with the Clintons on Martha’s vineyard?

BILLY JOEL: No.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Are you sure?

BILLY JOEL: No.

I-I’m positive. I was -- I got a call from a guy, and was going to be there. He said, “Do you want to come and jam on Martha’s vineyard with Bill Clinton.”

I said, “No.” It’s nothing. . . It has nothing to do with politics. It’s just I didn’t really feel like it was going to be a great jam, so. . .

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah. I can’t, I can’t tell you how excited we are to have you as the first musical act of our very first show. And the record is doing great isn’t it?

BILLY JOEL: Yeah.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Number one the last couple of weeks, and it’s only been out, ahh about a month or so hasn’t it.

BILLY JOEL: It came out as number one. Go figure.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Yeah. Good for you. Always a pleasure Billy.

BILLY JOEL: Thank you.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Thank you very much. Billy Joel ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be right back.

DAVID LETTERMAN: All right, thank you very much Paul. I would like to, ahh thank our guests tonight Billy Joel, Bill Murray, Paul Newman, and Tom Brokaw. Matt, I’d watch that show.

MATT ROBERTS: Now that’s a show.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahh tomorrow on the program Robin Williams will be here, and, ahh John Mellencamp. Ahh, thank you very much for joining us tonight we'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight every. . .