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- >Day turkey in Equestria
- >It is midday
- >You, Anonymous, the homeless beggar stroke your mighty beard as you stand in front of Celestia's throne
- >Yes, Princess Celestia
- >You don't quite know how you came to Equestria, but you ran from a purple pony and hitched a train to Canterlot
- >You spent months scrounging around for food
- >Alas, you have barely scraped by while making friends with the majority of the ponies
- >But recently, a pony had apparently reported you to the big cheese of Equestria
- >So here you stood, stroking your mighty beard
- >Oh, and it was Thanksgiving, but the ponies didnt know that
- >The noise of somebody clearing their throat caught your attention
- >You looked up to see a somewhat perplexed Celestia sitting on her throne, her mane flowing rather remarkably
- >She smiled down upon you, but you just stared into her eyes, now twirling your mustache
- >"Anonymous the human?"
- >You stopped twirling your mustache
- "Yes?"
- >Your voice was slightly raspy, but you could get over it
- >Celestia appeared to wince at the sound of your voice
- >"You are, as of now, the only homeless being to reside within Equestria's borders."
- >You put your hands on your hips and clicked your tongue
- "Really? That's a surprise. There are thousands of homeless where i come from. Mostly children and mentally incapable adults, but eh. Shit happens."
- >She nervously laughs and the guards shuffle uncomfortably
- >"Impeccable word choice... Alas, I wish to offer you a home, on behalf of Equestria!"
- >Oh?
- >What's this?
- >She insulted your word choice and now she wants to give you a home?
- "Sorry sister, but i think i'll stick to hunting and gathering."
- >Her laugh dropped and she narrowed her eyes
- >"That is not an option. I will not have a homeless creature within my borders."
- >Wut
- "I'll just leave your borders then?"
- >She cocked an eyebrow, still frownin down upon you
- >Oh fuck
- >"You are not a creature native to this world, Anonymous the human."
- >Where is she going with this?
- >"As such, I am afraid that i will have to make you a creature native to Equestria."
- >She shooed away the guards, who left in a hurry, and she stepped down from the throne
- >That glorious ass swaying to and fro all the while
- >You wiped drool from your beard and looked forward, as you both stood eye to eye
- "Today is thanksgiving, and i wont thank you if you do that."
- >She cocked her head to the side slightly
- >"What is thanksgiving? Some kind of human holiday?"
- >You smiled
- "Yeah, we buy or catch a turkey and cook it,, and then eat it."
- >She put on this disgusted look on her face as she stepped back a little
- >"You kill an innocent creature?!"
- >You shrugged
- "A man's gotta eat."
- >She shook her head and sighed
- >"Yes well. Now I have a good reason for doing this. This spell requires a large amount of power, and you will not retain your age. So... It will be my responsibility to find you a home."
- >Fucking what?
- >You are thirty four years old with a large beautiful beard that Phil Robertson would be proud of
- "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
- >You took off your left boot and threw it at her
- >You made the move to dive out the stained glass window, but instead of crashing through it, you bumped off of it
- >Your head smacked the marble floor, and you fell into a daze
- >You groaned as miss perfect ass came waltzing to your side, looking down pitifully at your stunned form
- "Fluck offa me."
- >You can't tell her to fuck off
- >Fucking brain
- >"Hmph, well. Might as well do it now and get it over with. Maybe somepony will teach you not to use naughty words."
- >Fuck!
- >A bright golden light flashed all around you as your body felt like it was ripping itself to pieces
- >You screamed in pain for what felt like hours before you finally went unconscious
- >Glorious sleep
- >Take me away
- >You finally woke up with a startled gasp
- >You moved a hand to your face to feel for your amazingly sexy beard
- >And it was still... there?
- >Kind of
- >It was about half the size of Willie's, from Duck Dynasty
- >If you would take a guess, you would say that you are now a teenager
- >If that is so...
- "Test- gah. Testing... 1...2...3..."
- >Yup, you were a teenager again
- >What luck! You were younger!
- >You made to jump out of bed and clap your hands, but you fell on all four limbs instead
- "The fuck?"
- >You looked down at where your hands should be, but instead found dark blue hooves
- >Fucking hell
- >You're a miniature horse
- >But not really. You were a teenager, Seventeen you could guess.
- >Sunbutt must not have known you were thirty four years old
- >If you were younger, you might have been made into a foal or some shit
- >But nope, here you were
- "Wait..."
- >Your beard caught your eyes
- >You crossed your eyes to look at your mustache
- "Aha!"
- >Yup, your beard color has changed
- >It was now gray
- >Perfect
- >Fifty shades of pony
- >But now you had to figure out a way to get out of this god damn country, before perfect ass finds you and does something weird
- >Suddenly, the door opened and shed light on the small room
- >Princess Celestia stood at the door
- >Oh fuck
- >You tried to make yourself unnoticeable, so you slumped onto your ass
- >Great job Anonymous you clumsy fuck
- >Her eyes swept across the room before they fell upon your form
- >The curious eyes narrowed into slits as she stepped into the room slowly and with deliberation
- >If you wouldn't know better, you'd think she was about to kill you!
- "Heh..."
- >Celestia stopped in front of you, her eyes boring down into your frightened face
- >She looked so evil from up there
- >Your eyes flicked to a hoof that had been lifted up, now slowly coming towards your face
- >She's gonna smother you!
- >You whimpered and flicked your eyes between her face and the incoming, perhaps hostile, hoof
- >The hoof stopped just before it reached your newly formed muzzle
- >You looked up to her eyes with a confused expression
- >"Boop!"
- >The hoof lightly poked your nose
- >Her menacing gaze and frown turned into a lighthearted gaze and a grin
- "Get outta here Celestia, the only reason i aint pissed is 'cause my beard is still here."
- >You swiped away her hoof
- >Celestia stepped back and sighed in response
- >"Well if you want to be mad, be mad Anon, but just remember that i am helping you."
- >Only your friends called you Anon
- >You narrowed your eyes in contempt
- >She took note of your apparent discomfort and smiled
- >"Well at least you are a unicorn, in fact, you are the spitting image of Starswirl the Bearded when he was of teenage years."
- >You sighed
- >She scratched her chin with a hoof
- >"I was expecting that spell to make you younger than this... I suppose i underestimated your age."
- "Thirty four, i'm thirty four years old. I'm actually happy that you made me younger."
- >You weren't happy that you were a pony
- >But you are a unicorn!
- >And none of those ponies can be misanthropic towards you anymore!
- >Maybe you could finally leave this place
- "Well Princess, it was nice of you to do this, but i'm afraid that i must take my leave."
- >She chuckled
- >You stood up awkwardly and managed to walk past her
- >Celestia's horn lit up with a golden glow as the same glow wrapped around you, gently pulling you back
- >"Not so fast. Now that you are technically a minor, you are under the care of whoever wants to care for you."
- >Uh oh
- >"And that somepony is me."
- "I need an adult!"
- >She laughed
- >Oh god she laughed
- >"Silly, I am an Adult!"
- "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
- >You screamed as you were carried on Celestia's back into Celestia's bedroom
- >Today was not a pleasant day as you wood usually say
- >You thought you were about to be raped by the sun
- >How does that work?
- >Being raped by the sun...
- >Your ears perked up as you thought of an idea
- >A weird feeling
- >You could feel your ears move upwards, and to the sides, it was an odd feeling that you wished would go away
- "Celestia. I'll give you a cookie if you promise not to rape me."
- >She fluffed her wings in apprehension
- >"I'm afraid i do not know what 'Rape' is, my dear Anonmous, but I will gladly accept a cookie if you have one!"
- >Oh.
- >So you won't be raped today.
- "I don't have a cookie, and why are we in here?"
- >Celestia's ears folded down, disapointment from not having a cookie?
- >"We are here to get you settled into your new body. Magic, walking, general things ponies know how to do."
- >Oh.
- >Magic?
- >You wonder what you could do with that
- "Avada Kadavra?"
- >You smiled to yourself
- >"No... I don't seem to recall a spell of that name Nonny."
- >Wut
- "Nonny? Don't call me that."
- >You could just feel her smile while on her back
- >"Okay, Nonny."
- >Ur a witty lil' cunt i'll give ya that
- >She'd probably smack you if you called her a cunt
- >You wonder...
- "Cunt."
- >Celestia's ears perk up
- >"What was that, Anonymous?"
- >Oh fuck
- >She knew what it meant
- "N-nothing. Just testing the waters for something just to be sure... Hehehe..."
- >You chuckled nervously
- >You hoped she didn't know what most of the cursing was
- >"Well i'm fairly certain that what I heard was not 'Nothing' as you put it, Anonymous. I will not tolerate that sort of language coming from the mouths of my ponies."
- >Your ears folded down, again, such an odd feeling
- >How were you scared of this mare? You are... Were a human citizen of The United States of America
- >Yeah! You could tell her that! Maybe she'd send you back!
- "Yes well. I am a human citizen of The United States of America! I demand you to send me back to my country!"
- >A golden glow enveloped you as you were lifted off her back and in front of her
- >She plopped you on your ass and you looked up into her satisfied gaze
- >Why is she happy?
- >"I don't see a human anywhere. All i see is a terrified unicorn colt sitting in front of me."
- >You gulped
- >Why is she doing this?
- "Why are you doing this?"
- >She leaned her muzzle down to yours, and you flinched back slightly
- >"Because i can tell when somepony needs another to care about them."
- >She pecked you on your nose
- >What did she mean by that? And why did she kiss your nose?
- >"You are frightened."
- >She sighed
- >Of course you were! First you were human, and now you were... This!
- "W-well yeah. I mean... You... Horses!"
- >Damn, you couldnt even talk.
- >Maybe you should just go to sleep, and everything will be okay
- >You lied on the marble floor, your head getting cold, but you were in no position to complain
- >Wouldn't want to get blasted by the sun...
- >You felt a presence curl up against you
- >You knew you weren't lying as a pony probably should
- >It was uncomfortable in fact
- >You decided to curl up into a ball and just sleep
- >"It's okay to be scared. It happens."
- >You felt the presence curl up all around you
- >Rape
- >"But i'm always there for my little ponies."
- >RAAAPE
- >Celestia hugged you from behind
- >As your eyes widened, you wondered how you had gotten into this situation, and which pony had reported you to Celestia, if any
- >You had to do something
- >You were a man!
- >You were no silly colt to be cuddled up by "Mommy Dearest"!
- "Get off of me you wretched creature!"
- >YOu kicked her in the stomach with a back hoof, eliciting a pained "Oomph" from the Princess
- >Oh god you just kicked a creature powerful enough to incinerate you
- >"N-now now Anonymous. That's not something a pony should do..."
- >Get the fuck outta there
- "I'm getting out."
- >You stood up on four wobbly legs
- >Oh shit, you haven't figured out how to walk on four legs yet
- >And the door is closed to top it all off
- >Your ears dropped once more
- "I'm boned."
- >"One could say that your plan wasn't thought out very well, hm?"
- >You gulped
- >She was right behind you
- >"And 'Wretched Creature' isn't the term that most ponies use to describe a princess."
- >Dont look at her and you wont die
- >"You should probably shave, Nonny."
- >Bitch you what?
- >You turn around and burrow your gaze deep into her own radiant eyes
- "The fuck you say?"
- >Her soft gaze turned into a glare, but you didnt care about that, because this bitch just told you to shave
- >"I told you, you need to shave. Don't curse in the castle."
- >She met your gaze with equal intensity
- >Your beard began to tingle at the thought of staring down a princess
- >A random thought passed through your head
- >What if beard magic was a thing?
- >Suddenly, an earsplitting *POP* followed by a bright flash interrupted the staredown
- >Princess Celestia tried to meet you eye to eye, but she turned her gaze down to your... thigh...
- >Wow what a fucking surprise
- >"Anonymous, you have received your cutie mark?"
- >Huh?
- >You looked at your ass and snorted at what you saw
- >It was a cartoon beard
- >Guess your cutie mark has to do with beard
- >"It's a beard. Much like your own... How odd... I have never seen a unicorn specialize in beard magic... It was a theory made by Starswirl however..."
- >So beard magic was a thing?
- >Neat
- "Still not shaving my beard, lady. I also humbly request to leave the castle. M'lady."
- >Snicker
- >Princess Celestia was not so humorous however, as she turned her hardened gaze back onto you
- >"No. In fact, we still have to teach you the basics of magic."
- >Damn
- >Well, at least you know that you'll be great at beard magic!
- >You pictured yourself flying with your beard, the beard flapping like wings.
- >Much like the Ice King
- >You notice a golden glow lift you up and place you down on a very soft bed
- >"Now then. I wish to cover basic levitation AT LEAST by tonight. So we'd better get started."
- >She had such a motherly voice, much like your own mother
- >Interesting to note that your mother indeed had a beard
- >Celestia, however, did not
- >Yet
- > *FLASH*
- >Your eyes roll in your sockets as you try to reorient your perception and field of view
- >When you finally undizzify yourself via bashing of the head with a hoof, you notice something peculiar
- >Something is off about Celestia
- >Maybe it was because she now had a beard.
- >WAIT WHAT
- "Oh no."
- >Celestia remained unfazed by it however, and she did not seem to notice
- >"Nonny? Did you just cast a spell?"
- >There was now a flowing beard on her face, with a flowing mustache as well
- >You had to admit, Celestia looked pretty good with a beard
- >"Nonny?Are you fawning over me? That's not very polite to ogle your mo- er... Teacher's... Face..."
- >Her eyes rolled down to where you were staring
- >She looked back at you
- >She then closed her eyes and proceeded to nod in a sagely manner
- >Damn, she is pretty okay with this
- "Are you okay?"
- >"Yes yes. I suppose you do have a talent with beard magic."
- >It's like dumbledore but horse
- >Or Gandalf, whichever you prefer
- >You personally prefer Dumbledore, because beards are sexy on wise wizards in mighty castles
- >You wanted to milk everything from this.
- "Why yes. I suppose i do have a talent with beard magic."
- >Her eyebrow raised up a few inches
- >Hm
- "And i think i would rather work on beard magic than silly leviatation."
- >An idea ran through your head
- >"Well, levitation is a skill that most unicorns need to know, so i'm... afraid... that... you....."
- >She trailed off when she saw what you had done
- "Like it?"
- >You had manipulated your own beard to pick up a quill that was laying on a nearby desk
- >"I..."
- >Her eyes were so wide that you thought they would burst from their sockets
- >"I'm... So proud of you Anon!"
- >Oh
- >She pressed forward and smothered you inot a big hug
- >The quill held by your beard fell, and your beard went limp
- >You had lost focus, wrapped up in the hug
- >Your face was being smothered by her beard
- >You should probably get rid of that
- >But this seemed to be important to her, so why not return the hug?
- >So you did
- >This was perhaps the longest and most nervous hug you have experienced in your entire life
- >Especially so, because you were hugging a pony that was twice your size with a beard that does not belong
- >You had to admit though, ponies sure did have soft fur
- >Princess Celestia smells like vanilla, such a comforting smell
- >It reminded you of vanilla ice cream from back home
- >So smooth as it glided down your throat, so sweet as the smell filled your nostrils, and such a memorable aftertaste
- >Much like Celestia at this very moment, except you aren't eating her
- >You broke away from the hug, and thought about Celestia without her long flowing beard
- >With another, albeit less disorienting, *FLASH* the beard was gone from her face
- >In your mind, you had ranked up to a level 2 beard wizard
- "Yay."
- >Celestia looked down upon you with an approving gaze
- >You sighed in relief, unaware that you were holding in tension
- >Why were you even tense before?
- >It didn't matter. You were a level 2 beard wizard now
- >"Well that was nice! Wouldn't you say so Anon?"
- >Maybe
- "I suppose it was comforting."
- >Just maybe
- >Celestia smiled
- >"Good! Now that you know how to manipulate objects in... your own way..."
- >She hesitated
- >You guess that she didn't know how to explain what she had just witnessed
- >It isn't every day that a man, or in this case pony, manipulates objects with his beard
- >"I suggest we take lunch! The castle has some fine venues of course."
- >Was she trying to reassure you about something?
- >Because that is what her tone implied
- >Or maybe she was saying that the castle had a wide selection of delicacies
- >Perhaps you were just over thinking things
- >"Come along Anon!"
- "Oh yeah, i'm coming."
- >You quickly learned how to walk as a quadruped, it not being as hard as you thought
- >You figured that your beard could make up for levitation or hands
- >The thought excited you more
- >You always did love to show off
- >Whether it was your newly bought AR-15, or your ability to manipulate beards
- >You sit at a large dining table along with Princess Luna and Princess Celestia
- >There is also the purple pony that you first saw, though she has wings this time
- >She didn't recognize you, though she did remark at your resemblance to Starswirl, whoever he is
- >Apparently his full title was "Starswirl the Bearded"
- >Maybe you could take that title
- "Anonymous the Bearded..."
- >It has a ring to it
- >"Yes Twilight, we did in fact redecorate the castle, and have you met my newest student?"
- >All eyes fell upon you as you were suddenly introduced
- >You shrank back slightly
- >She considered you her student
- >That is particularly interesting
- >For the first time in your life, you were finally important to someone, or multiple people
- >Much better than your old job at CostCo
- >"Anonymous? Twilight asked you a question."
- >Your ears perked up at that, and you stood at full attention
- >Not in that way
- "Er, yes. What was that again?"
- >Twilight was the purple pony's name
- >Twilight smiled
- >Ugh
- >"What does your cutie mark mean, if you don't mind me asking?"
- >This'll be odd to explain
- "My cutie mark? Well... I suppose you could say that it signifies my talent at beard magic!"
- >She stared at you blankly
- >Did you break her?
- "Twilight?"
- >She turned her gaze back to you and burst out laughing
- >Rude
- >"Twilight, I can assure you. It is much more interesting than you think."
- >Oh good, Celestia to the rescue
- >And here comes the food as well!
- >Chefs circled around the four of you as the deposited what looked to be caesar salad on platters
- >Celestia looked to you
- >Twilight was still laughing
- >"Go ahead and show her."
- >Mmkay
- "Yeah sure."
- >With some concentration you managed to pick up your fork with your beard
- >Twilight stopped laughing
- >Princess Luna was busy shoving her muzzle into the bowl of salad
- >It must be pretty good
- >You used your beard to shove the fork into the bowl, and you pulled it back out
- >The fork was now covered in what looked like lettuce, radish, and spinach
- >Time to munch!
- >You shoved the fork into your mouth, your mustache catching a sliver of radish on the way in
- >You pulled the fork back out slowly, still in your beard's tight grasp
- >You calmly set the fork down and munched happily on the salad
- >The ponies here sure did know how to make a good salad
- >It tasted wonderful, even without ranch dressing
- "Y'know. The chefs here sure do know how to make a good caesar salad, compliments to them, eh?"
- >Twilight has spawned a notepad and quill, and she had apprently begun to write down some stuff
- >Probably about you
- >"Yes, they are very wise in their craft! Huzzah to salad, and huzzah to the chefs!"
- >Luna shoved her face back into the salad
- >"Agreed... I suppose..."
- >Celestia glanced at you proudly, but she turned her head back to Twilight
- "They better not talk about me behind my back..."
- >You never liked that
- >It was one of the few things that set you off
- >"So Twilight. Taking notes at the dinner table again, hmm?"
- >Twilight looked up from her furious scribbling
- >"Yes! Who knew that such magic existed?!"
- >Question answered, she kept at her writing
- >An aspiration for knowledge she has
- >After some time, you had finished lunch along with the others
- >Luna sat back in her own, snoring away
- >She truly did not care
- >But that's okay
- >You sat back as well, contended as youcould ever be
- >You managed to wrestle the pieces of salad that had gotten caught in your beard out
- >Such is the life of a level 3 beard wizard
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