Growth
               Crippling doubt. An unending war between emotion and logic. How do I reach a concluding rationale? I am living a life devoid of life. I have gone through my existence following this one law: "Never become complacent". To become complacent is tantamount to failure. All I care about is attaining self-awareness, yet all I know how to do is act. This is a fool’s play in a landscape of lies.
 When I was a child I never questioned. Parents were on a pedestal, I had no responsibilities, and I never wanted for anything. I was living the ideal fantasy. When I got older my world started to burn before me. Here I stand in front of the ashes. I desperately want to stand up and fight but the fight is against me. Pitted against the perfect enemy and I’m being outmatched at every blow.
               I am constantly questioning and critiquing myself. I spend hours in deep thought trying to end this lifelong confusion. Either that or going out into the world donning my mask. I always find myself saying things I do not believe just to seem amicable to my peers. Should I continue this pattern of deceit and be nice to everyone or let people know when I do not like them? I need to become the person I know I can be and realize my potential.
That is not to say these last eighteen years have been fruitless. I have learned at every step, with every turn a new lesson. I am forever gaining knowledge and new points of view. It still has not been enough, I keep trudging on for the small hope I will achieve my goal. I am still not at the point where I can see my life as an outsider. I must continue to grow, I cannot forget that only through pain is there growth. Comfort invites ignorance.
  Every time I do not take action I miss an opportunity. Fear of failure is my driving force. Fear of rejection however will leave me in a sad state indeed. Confidence is knowing that no matter what happens, everything will be alright. Having the confidence to say yes, I can make it through this, will allow me to carry on. I will not allow myself to lose sight of what I have in mind. Nor will I let myself be blind to change. Adaptation is key. I have to look into the future.
             My world is in ashes and I started the fire. It began the day I realized that I cause all of my problems. Even if something uncontrollable happens to me it is my reaction that determines the consequence. The day I took this to heart I had no choice but to light a match and start over. As I stand dormant in front of the ashes pondering where to go from here I cannot help but wonder if I will ever be alright again.