Band Geeks

[ A horrible sound is heard, which turns out to be Midnight playing her clarinet until the doorbell rings. Zorana is at the door]
Zorana: Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. [Midnight slams the door shut. Phone starts to ring.]
Midnight: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the [plays a clarinet note]
Loki: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?
Midnight: [gasp] Loki? From band class?!
Loki: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Midnight: Sometimes. Uh, how's the Soul Stealer?
Loki:  It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Midnight: The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba... The ba-ba-ba?!?!
Loki: That's right. I'm living your dreams Midnight. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Midnight: Ohh, uhh, I... I, uhh...
Loki: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.
Midnight: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancy Boy?!
Loki: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of... ibuprofen! [hangs up phone]
Midnight: I gotta drum up a marching band fast! Drum... haha... band humor. [In the following lines, Cameron, Xerizero, Talia, Kit, and Letro are reading from a poster]
Cameron: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
Xerizero: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom.
Talia: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.
Kit: Not to mention free refreshments.
Letro: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. [Midnight looks at her watch while driving a shell cart]
Midnight: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.
[Cuts to inside the room, everyone is there]
All: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Midnight: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Xerizero: Do instruments of torture count?
Midnight: No.
Jack: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Midnight: No, Jack, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Jack raises his hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either. [Jack lowers his hand] That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you. [laughs]
[Everyone stays silent]
Kit: So when do we get the free food?
Midnight: Ok, try to repeat after me. [Midnight plays 6 notes] Brass section, go. [brass section repeats badly] Good. Now the wind. [wind section repeats badly] And the drums. [drummers misunderstand what Midnight means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Midnight to the wall] Too bad that didn't kill me. [Next scene] Let's just try stepping in the rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
Zora: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Midnight: No, Zora, that's a chorus line.
Jack: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking! [Jack kicks Cameron in the leg]
Cameron: Ow! Why, you...! Why I oughta...! [she jumps on Jack and starts fighting him until they roll outside and the doors slam shut]
Jack: [Makes a very long painful scream.] [Everyone pauses and stares at the door, then Jack sticks his head back in] Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. [Jack walks in and it is revealed that Cameron has stuck his body in a trombone. Trombone notes are heard as he walks towards his seat. As he sits down, he makes a sound of his trombone. Makes a loud trombone noise as he opens his mouth. Stares at himself.]
Narrator: Day two. [band walking down a street playing Semper Fidelis badly]
Midnight: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move! C'mon, move! [Flag twirlers spin so hard that they take off into the sky and crash into a blimp, which causes an explosion. Trumpet player plays taps while everyone mourns, except Midnight, who just lies down on the ground]
Narrator: Day three.
Midnight: How's that harmonica solo coming Xerizero?
Xerizero: It's tremendous, you wanna see? [Xerizero plays the harmonica by running to and from holes, but soon runs out of breath; on his way to the last hole he blows an unsuccessful last raspberry into the harmonica and faints]
Narrator: Day four.
Midnight: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began... [Jack chews on a trumpet] ...but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Xerizero: [loudly] Correct!
Midnight: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! [screen cuts to the outside of the music school and a blast of noise ensues, breaking the windows. Cuts back inside music school, where Midnight's face is deformed beyond recognition, her shirt's been ripped and her baton breaks] OK, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Telgard: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!
Kit: What did you say, punk?!
Telgard: [Shouts loudy] Big... Meaty... claws!
Kit: Well, these claws ain't for just attractin' mates.
Telgard: Bring it on, scrapper! Bring it on!
Zora: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Titania: Oh, so now the talking cheese is gonna preach to us.
Midnight: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high... [everyone gets into a fight. Kaj and Letro are yelling at each other. Luna slams a drum at him] There's a deposit on that equipment, people! [everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Kit and Telgard charge at each other with large woodwinds, but try to screech to a halt, and Talia slams them both with her cymbals] Settle down, please! [Cameron and Minuki are fighting. Cameron breaks the xylophone keys from Minuki and Minuki runs away. Jack kicks Cameron, who growls at him before producing a trumpet with an evil grin. Jack realizes what's coming and runs away screaming as Cameron chases him with the trumpet. Cuts to the clock which shows 10 o'clock and everyone stops fighting]
Tiamat: Hey, class is over. [they all walk to the door where Midnight slams it open]
Midnight: Well, you did it. You took my one chance in happiness...and crushed it! Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. [sobbing] Thanks for nothing! [Leaves]
Jack: You're welcome.
Zora: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in her  hour of need, and we failed her. Midnight's always been there for us when it was convenient for her. Jade, when your little Teruchi was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
Jade: A fireman.
Zora: And Letro, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Letro: Some guy in an ambulance.
Zora: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Midnight was a fireman, or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means to be in a marching band.
Telgard: Yeah, for the fireman!
All: Hooray!
Zora: Now let's make Midnight proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddly diddly doo.
[At Bubble Bowl]
Midnight: I knew this was gonna happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [zooms out to reveal Loki is there] ...Loki doesn't find out! Loki! [screams] What are you doing here?!
Loki: Oh I just came to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?
Midnight: Uh, they couldn't come. They... died.
Loki: Then who's that?
Midnight: [screams and his eyes pop out] That would be my band!
Zora: We're ready to perform, Midnight.
Loki: Well, Middy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look. [Zora dances]
Midnight: That's her... eager face. [Loki laughs while they all go into the Bubble Bowl]
Midnight: [everybody marches to the Bubble Bowl and starts performing] Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
Zora: That's the spirit, Midnight. [bowl raises above a football field]
Football Announcer: Okay, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Band!
[A crowd of live-action people is shown.]
Jack: These are some ugly looking fish.
Zora: Maybe we're in one of those toxic waste dumps.
Kit: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Midnight: [Nervously] Alright, everybody. [Glances at Loki, who grins and brandishes the Soul Stealer] Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4...
[Band plays wonderful intro. Midnight opens her eyes. Zora begins singing]
Zora: [voice of David Glen Eisley] ♪The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the world closin' in. Be on the attack with your wings on the wind. Oh, the games will begin.♪ [Loki stares in shock, Midnight gives him a smug grin and throws her baton over her shoulder and uses her arms for conducting] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight,♪ [Loki faints and gets carried away by stretchers. Midnight waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage] ♪And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the one who's last to fall. We will have sweet, sweet victory...♪ [Midnight jumps up, frame freezes and fades to black.]