My Mea Culpa

This letter is to anyone who knew Geth well, you deserve to read this.

Hello to everyone who reads this. I am the person you know as Geth, but I just go by Shelden now, as it’s my real name and I haven’t associated with the name Geth for a year and half. I wanted to write this letter about a few months ago, but with lack of contacts and communication I wasn’t sure how I wanted to reach people.

Two friends of mine continued to email me after my departure, and through them I’ve been able to reacquire communication with some of my old friends, and also gain enough courage to talk about this topic

But you may ask why does this letter matter? What does it consist of, and why do “I” deserve to read this?

This letter matters because it’s basically a unburdening of my conscience, to let everyone know the truth about Geth and a sincere apology, and to open back up to those who would like to continue to get to know me after this reading.

To begin. Geth’s credentials are a lie. Geth the college dropout that moved back to his hometown as you may remember actually never existed. My name is Shelden Sappenfield, I am a 17 year old boy, graduated with his GED, and currently working on setting up a future for myself in my spiritual works. And I apologize profusely for this deception, facade, and masking of myself, and I will continue to apologize for what I’ve done, even if I can’t find forgiveness from all..

But why? Why would I just compulsively lie about credentials of all things? Well 13 year old me was very insecure, mentally ill, and my anxiety was debilitating. I lacked an outlet for my emotional health, and I had no friends around as I moved schools plenty of times and never really could establish a friendship with anyone, nor was I really raised well as I had an alcoholic abusive stepfather and a mother who wasn’t around because she constantly worked to pay the bills. I struggled a lot, and the help that I tried to look for in the family was never there.

Being online was an escape for me, and eventually as I played online games I came across new people to talk to and socialize with, something I never was able to practice. But I was so worried about my real identity plaguing my experiences online. I just wanted a friend for a short while to talk to. So I lied. I created Geth as a hope that I could finally be able to talk to human beings about my issues without being looked upon as young, naive, immature, and inexperienced. I talked about my experiences from the setting of a college student, not the setting of a junior high > high school student. From dealing with PTSD due to alcoholism, to suicidal struggles, to debilitating anxiety when talking to people in real life. I was able to talk about my emotional problems and the struggles I went through everyday. Every experience I talked about with the many of you are were all real experiences, sadly I shrouded them in a different frame and setting.

To better clarify. The experiences I discussed with people, for example, being kicked out of my house for a month, was real, just that I was just disciplined by my parents rather than just losing rent because of a roommate haha.

Besides all of that, and despite the lying... It did help. It really did help for me, I was finally able to practice social skills, and be able to actually practice what it’s like being in a friendship, and able to talk about my issues. Of course there wasn’t much to lie about to start off because personal info wasn’t being thrown around like candy. But of course, as I start to join Anitwitter, as I start to make more and more friends and get closer to the ones I know, I realized my mistake soon after.

I realized I created an (anxious) rabbit hole for myself, in which if I don’t keep up the identity of Geth, then I’ll just lose all the friends that I have come to love and cherish, even though I’ve already started them off with a facade(the juggernaut picture did not help any of this haha). I didn’t wanna come clean because I feared for the worst, and if the worst happened, I wouldn’t be here. As I came to realize my mistake, as I came to realize that I AM young, naive, immature, and inexperienced, but not only those traits, but also selfish. I was selfish because I was just wanting to be happy, at the expense of others being deceived. I kind of just fell into a lull for a while. I was stuck in school, unable to get past D’s and continuing to be a truant due to no professional help for my mental health, and my conscience was degrading further, as I continue to lie about my settings, my surroundings, and my credentials.

But where was the strength in all of this? Clearly something happened that got me out of this lull and finally pushed me towards full repentance. Clearly something happened that finally gave me my identity back as Shelden, and to just function as one person, and to write that letter of departure.

As I’ve mentioned before, especially in my departure letter, I’m one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I spend a lot of my time studying the Bible, discussing the Bible with people, and upholding my relationship with my God Jehovah. I truly believe that Jehovah has been the source of my strength and comfort for the past 2 years, and what has helped me make that letter of departure, what has helped me to get myself outside of the lull I was in, and even to come back to actually tell the truth about this situation.

I… am a much happier person than I used to be. I’m no longer plagued by constant despair and self-doubt, and I’ve managed to construct self-respect. I’ve been able to function as a proper human being, and I couldn’t be more thankful for this privileged feeling, but I still have some lingering things that I have continued to deal with, and this is definitely one of them that I’m taking action against.

So... yeah…. I really, I feel terrible about it still. I wish I had never done this and could take it back, but what’s done is done, and now my only course with this is just through this mea culpa, and I hope that it has cleared things up for you good friend. Never will a lie leave my mouth again.

If you read this, and wish to contact me for further information, or you wish to discuss more or refresh our friendship, I currently use Discord at Shuuya#7982. If you use Telegram, you can find me @sheldens

To all those that I used to know well as Geth, thank you so much for the friendship you granted me throughout those years, you really helped me through the roughest times of my life, and I feel so grateful and so fortunate to have those opportunities even if I was deceptive. And if our friendship continues, I’ll continue to appreciate it greatly so and also abound in your forgiveness. Thank you so much. And I hope we can talk soon.

Best regards to all those that knew Geth

Shelden Sappenfield