my girlfriend is the president

Yukino Ouhama. What can I say about her, other than I always knew she'd make it? She's got that bubbly charisma, that profound and pure honesty, about her. Real presidential. Which is a good thing, you know. If she used her abilities for evil--that homey smile of hers, the way her voice instantly puts you at ease like falling through a trapdoor into a Jacuzzi... the governments of the world would surrender to her in days. No question.

It's always been like that with Yukino. See, her and me go back to milk money days. She sat behind me in grade school, in the 'gifted' class, which was basically where they concentrated all the rich kids so they would only have to buy new books for one classroom. So I can tell you even at that age, most people of means are fake. Kids and adults, something about money gets to 'em. Like this guy Romeo for instance, sat next to me in third grade. Fancy bastard hung a different Rolex every day of the week. Always bragging about his trips to Macau, the illegal massages he would get there. I got Lindt truffles in my lunchbox, he got J.P. Hevin's. Everybody wanted to be his friend and come over to his house and play Battletoads with him... right up till he flattened a kid with his new Lambo and tried to pin it on his girlfriend. Idiot.

Anyway, Yukino don't play it that way. She's real like a celebrity scoop and sharp like a perfect casino heist. People underestimate her 'cause of her doll face and her big ahoge and the way she says "haeee~" and "uuu~", but under that fluffy exterior is a stone cold calculating mind. She knows her game cold. She covers every angle. She's got a plan to get your butt home from the Straight Shooters Cocktail And Exotic Dancing Lounge at 4 a.m. when you're too blitzed to say your name straight. She's my man, if I can say that about a woman.

Matter of fact, that girl's been keeping me in line from the moment we first met. Now that was one of those moments you never forget, every little detail preserved perfect in your mind--the ridiculous foofy blue dress she had on; the way her ahoge bounced as she ran at me; the garter snake I was using to menace some of the girls from 2-B. And it's not like she wasn't scared of the snake, because her hands were shaking as she grabbed the snake from me and she was crying a little. But she took the snake anyway, and she kept her voice steady as she told me, "Don't bully those girls! And don't hurt the snake, either! Do you want to make its family sad?"

What could I say? I just stood and stared, and the other girls cowered, while Yukino put the snake down in the grass and then scurried off, presumably to wash her hands. Eventually I regained myself and carried on with my business... think I stole a couple girls' jump ropes to make up for the lost time... then I saw Yukino again the next day.

See, her parents--couple of hotshot doctors--were friends with my mom, and they had an urgent business trip to get to. Well, my mom got the idea of inviting Yukino to stay over, and that's how she showed up on my doorstep, still in that ridiculous baby blue dress with the fake flowers. White leather suitcase in her hands. Pink bike with tassels on the handle, unloaded in the family carport. We exchanged glances. Then--
"Hey, you. What you said the other day... do snakes really have families?"
"Yep, mm-hmm!"
"They don't grow from petrified trees?"
"Mm-mm. Here, I'll prove it to you."

We had a lot to teach each other, her and me. She taught me what a tautology is, and how to add up all the numbers from 1 to 100 real fast, and how a pony will never grow up to be a full-sized horse. I taught her how to count cards, and how to shoot tapioca balls at the teachers with a straw, and how to make a bomb out of a floppy disk.

It was only natural. Her parents were out of the country a lot, so we spent a lot of time together--Mom practically adopted her some months. So she was there when I broke my arm jumping my bike off the school's clock tower onto the science building (I did make it, though.) And I was there when she won her first essay contest. And she was there when I was trying to get past the parental lock on the TV, and it flipped onto a hentai movie. Poor girl can't eat calamari even today, which is fine by me, because it means more for me. Oh yeah, and I was also there for her first... well, that thing that starts happening when a girl gets to that special age. I didn't know it was possible to throw a SNES so hard it smashed through a stud and broke through to the next room over. Mom, bless her old soul, didn't ask questions. I saw her paying the contractor later, and the check just said "Family Expenses" in her neat cursive with a period at the end. Anyway, we took the opportunity to put in a new kitchen bar where the hole was, and Yukino and I were knocking back fat shots of Blue Curacao (don't judge, I was young and stupid) the very next week.

Now usually at the end of these things you'd expect to see the L-word dropped. Nope, not this time, buddy. It's hella mushy and tends to give the wrong idea when used in reference to a girl of suitable age, besides. All I'mma say is that we came up together, and that's as good as blood to me, and I've got her back till end of days, and she's got mine. And if I never meet another person as decent and fine as her again... well, I guess I can't be too surprised.