Set It Up (2018)

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INDOXXI
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1
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,562
Jessica, the phones!

2
00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:22,480
Jonathan, cancel my 10:00.

3
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:24,816
Conor, get in here. Conor?

4
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:27,777
- Bring me my lunch!
- What's my password?

5
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,573
Rachel, where were you?
Were you in the back?

6
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,082
Hey! What's-your-face.

7
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:42,332
Coming.

8
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:49,758
No, no, no. I said no onions.
I said onions were fatal.

9
00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:53,094
As in if there are onions,
I will be killed.

10
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,515
I know it says, "Do not duplicate,"
but my boss says, "Do duplicate."

11
00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,685
And right now, her rules supersede
the state of New York's.

12
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:05,106
Janet, I've got a master's in sociology
and nothing else to do today.

13
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,358
Put me on hold as long as you want.

14
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:10,862
I'm not hanging up
until his seat is bumped to first class.

15
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,697
I'm coming.

16
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:13,615
I'm coming.

17
00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:14,698
I'm coming.

18
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,534
Hi, Tammy.

19
00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:20,371
He wanted me to let you know
that he's breaking up with you

20
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:22,582
and he needs you
out of the apartment by 6:00.

21
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,668
You think you can break up
with me? I wanna talk to Richard.

22
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,670
Get that asshole on the phone.

23
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,258
Get this to my doctor.
That needs to be warm.

24
00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,636
And ask if it's contagious.

25
00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,370
Be free. Heh. Save yourself.

26
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,109
- Are you trying to starve me?
- No.

27
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:34,362
My bones are eating themselves.
Order me that thing

28
00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:36,614
that I like from that place
with the gay waiter.

29
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,199
We're doing a second dinner?

30
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,870
And make sure that this is at 10,000 steps
before Yuvus gets here tomorrow.

31
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,914
I do not want him to think I was not
working out between sessions.

32
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:46,874
Got it.

33
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:51,045
Hi, yes. Oh, my God.
I've been on hold for so long.

34
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:54,883
Yes, the truffle mac and cheese,
the kale salad...

35
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,553
and a hamburger.

36
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:04,225
Forty-five minutes? Is there any way
it could be five minutes instead?

37
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,517
No?

38
00:03:07,186 --> 00:03:10,106
That's fine.
I'll be here for the next 45 minutes.

39
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,774
I'll be here forever.

40
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:13,650
Taxi!

41
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:28,750
Just waiting for my boss.

42
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:34,088
Rick Otis. He'd been on Shark Tank.
Forbes 40 Under 40.

43
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,799
- Doorway area is for members only.
- Yeah.

44
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:45,058
Just gotta call my girlfriend.
Her name's Suze. She's very pretty.

45
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:49,604
Suze. Rick's working late
at the District Club. Can I just meet...?

46
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:51,438
I'm out.

47
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,400
- How'd it go? You, uh, gonna invest?
- Ha.

48
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,903
I'll invest in that company
when they figure out

49
00:03:57,737 --> 00:04:02,242
how to dip their dicks in ink and write
the Japanese symbol for "horse shit."

50
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,494
Do the thing.

51
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,456
Think of seared cod.

52
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:14,128
Melt-in-your-mouth uni. Buttered carrots,
mashed potatoes, crispy onion rings.

53
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,338
Ah.

54
00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,092
- Okay.
- I will see you tomorrow.

55
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,011
No. You're coming
with me back to the office.

56
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:23,596
Oh.

57
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:27,767
- Should I order dinner?
- Of course not. I just had my juice.

58
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:32,230
- Sometimes you end up wanting dinner.
- Shut my damn door.

59
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,857
Here you go, Kirsten.

60
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:37,944
So...

61
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:42,282
tomorrow, we're gonna post
the Alex Morgan profile in the morning

62
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,367
and the Belichick interview
in the afternoon.

63
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,495
Hold the Belichick interview.
Josh is writing like he's at The Post.

64
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:50,456
The Line Up is about the story
behind the score.

65
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:54,085
I need fresh eyes for a rewrite.

66
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:58,131
- Did you return my blue jacket?
- Yes.

67
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,927
After a 2-hour commute to their warehouse
and an intense talk with a saleswoman

68
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,847
that ended with us in tears,
I got a full refund.

69
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,433
- I want it back. What else?
- Absolutely.

70
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:12,270
You owe RSVPs to Polly's wedding,
Annie's baby shower,

71
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:15,648
Bridget's baby shower, Alice's son's
birthday. You RSVP'd Jane's wedding,

72
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:19,444
but they need your okay to share a room
with Helen since you're both coming alone.

73
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,863
Do they need me to confirm

74
00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,657
that I'm gonna spend
a thousand dollars a night

75
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,952
to share bunk beds like kids
at sleep-away camp?

76
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:29,579
No.

77
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,956
This site is less than a year old.

78
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,461
I can't be expected to attend every friend
of a friend's kid's 3rd birthday.

79
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:39,213
Decline every invitation
and send a $200 gift.

80
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,465
$200 gift.

81
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:43,760
There should be three times
as many story ideas by now.

82
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,386
I might have a story idea.

83
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,270
It's not fleshed out.
I haven't cracked it, so...

84
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:57,398
Oh, good. So, you're telling me
it's bad before I've even heard it.

85
00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:01,486
It's this thing... called the Gerilympics.

86
00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:04,572
It's an Olympics for senior citizens.

87
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:09,202
They have races, ping-pong,
Nerf basketball, and weightlifting.

88
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:12,830
Yes, people think it's silly.
People think it's silly, but...

89
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:18,628
But it gives them something to live for.
And a lot of them

90
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,006
were athletes who never even got
a chance to, like...

91
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:25,927
To live their dreams.

92
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:32,141
It's just sometimes I get emotional
over sports, just how they can provide...

93
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:34,601
Your dinner.

94
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,855
Which I'm gonna go get right now.

95
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:40,900
What's my tomorrow like?

96
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:43,903
Um... I moved your lunch to Ai Fiori's.

97
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,823
Kiki wants to go over divorce papers.

98
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,325
Okay, you can tell Kiki
she can light herself on fire.

99
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:53,412
- And if she calls or...?
- You tell her she don't divorce me.

100
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:54,872
I divorce her.

101
00:06:55,414 --> 00:06:59,252
Call my lawyer and tell him
to counter-serve her for serving me.

102
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,589
- I don't know if legally...
- What is this? I hate it.

103
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,050
This is your son's science project.

104
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:09,595
It's a fun play on
"when life gives you lemons..."

105
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:11,848
I'm using lemon battery to power...

106
00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:16,059
Where's my dinner?

107
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,441
Did you want dinner?
Because you s...

108
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:23,984
No problem.

109
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,445
Coming right up.

110
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,907
I order from you guys
like three times a week.

111
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,369
You know that I'm good for it.
I have three credit cards.

112
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,538
- Can I write a check?
- Cash only.

113
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,249
What if I pay you triple... tomorrow?

114
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:39,459
Cash only.

115
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,712
What if I told you this face was a mask
and I'm a 100-year-old gypsy

116
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,714
who will curse your family
for generations?

117
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,173
Cash only.

118
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:48,551
What grocery store doesn't serve

119
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,345
saffron-infused Kobe beef
cooked medium-rare?

120
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:54,807
I can't go up there and ask for
cash, so my options are for you to help me

121
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,976
or for me to commit a felony.

122
00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,769
Hi. Whose food is this?

123
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:01,230
- It's mine.
- You got 31.32, it's yours.

124
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,233
I have cash. I have so much cash.

125
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,652
No. Hey, hey. That's my boss's dinner.

126
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,740
If I'm not upstairs in two minutes
with that food, I will get fired.

127
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,077
- Can I borrow some money?
- No.

128
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,706
This is my boss's dinner.
If I'm not up in two minutes,

129
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,876
- I'm gonna be fired.
- No, you won't. Look at you.

130
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:26,255
You'll just swoop in with your lacrosse
stick and your fraternity connections.

131
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:29,884
You'll keep getting promoted
for no reason. I need that food.

132
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,721
Thirty-two dollars. Keep the change.
Thank you.

133
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,182
Is this happening?
I will not forget this.

134
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,934
- Whatever.
- Wait. Sir?

135
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:42,563
Sir. There are two dinners. One for me
and one for her, so we could split it.

136
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:47,735
I can take one to my boss and you can take
one to yours. Please. This is DEFCON 5.

137
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,698
DEFCON 5's the good one. Everything's
safe, international travel's fine.

138
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,617
DEFCON 1! You know what I mean.

139
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,703
What are the meals?

140
00:08:57,787 --> 00:09:00,957
Okay. I'm gonna take her
the truffle mac and cheese.

141
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,458
You can have the burger.

142
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:06,504
Are you insane? I won't give him
a plain hamburger. He has taste.

143
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,422
Okay. I'm gonna fix this, okay?

144
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:13,678
See what I'm making?
It's a truffle cheeseburger with kale.

145
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,100
This burger could win awards.
Pickle is my dinner.

146
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,268
- No, no, no.
- What?

147
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:23,062
I won't give him a truffle cheeseburger
without a pickle.

148
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,736
I wanna be paid back tomorrow,
8 percent interest, liquidity preference.

149
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,530
Do I look like I can afford interest?

150
00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,991
I steal my toilet paper
from the office bathroom.

151
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,493
You should learn to keep cash on you.

152
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:41,706
You should remember to order dinner
before everything closes.

153
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,625
You know that pickle?
That aforementioned pickle?

154
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:47,086
That wasn't for my boss.
That was for me.

155
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,214
You're a monster.

156
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:57,013
- Oh, hi.
- I'll need you in here before me tomorrow.

157
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,641
Okay, what time would that be?
Do you want your food? Okay.

158
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,239
- Hello?
- I'm here, I'm here.

159
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,783
You took too long. I'm in bed.

160
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,494
Okay. Perfect. I'll get in with you.

161
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,288
I'm already asleep, baby.

162
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,000
I can wake you up. With my penis.

163
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:31,922
Not with my penis. You'll be fully awake
when it touches... You know what I mean.

164
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,175
I have an early shoot tomorrow

165
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,719
and if I don't get eight hours,
my face could be puffy.

166
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,557
- Can I call you in the morning?
- Yeah. Sweet dreams... princess.

167
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,393
You can wake me up.

168
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:47,938
With your penis.

169
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,029
...should be
the final play unless there's a penalty.

170
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,116
Kellogg's throw...

171
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,579
It's gonna be tapped and caught!
It's caught!

172
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:05,122
It's caught!

173
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:12,463
You're up! Oh, my gosh, hi.

174
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:14,006
How was your date?

175
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,093
It was good. He's in my room now
drinking Gatorade

176
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,762
to recover from our vigorous love-making.

177
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:21,263
- Nice.
- Really?

178
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,682
No. I worked late. Didn't make it in time.

179
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:24,934
Oh...

180
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:27,978
Dude, loved Kirsten's article
about Cleveland fans.

181
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:30,147
- I sent it to ten people.
- He did.

182
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,733
Wasn't it awesome? How was the party?

183
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,026
Gilbert was there.

184
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,112
You haven't seen him since...

185
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,492
Since she had sex with him
in the bathroom on the Acela?

186
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:45,621
- You told him about that?
- I could read it from your hand code.

187
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:47,123
I tell him everything, Harp.

188
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,458
If we had to avoid every guy
she's had sex with

189
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,586
on public transportation,
we'd never leave the apartment.

190
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:56,006
- Shut up.
- Do you want a glass of cold water?

191
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,092
- Yes. I would love that.
- Okay.

192
00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,844
- I love you.
- I love you so much.

193
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:02,471
- Love you, Mike.
- I love you, Harper.

194
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,850
He's such a dork. Oh, God. I love him.

195
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:08,102
- I love you. I'm gonna go to bed.
- Sweet dreams.

196
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:09,185
Good night.

197
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,401
- Janet?
- What?

198
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,110
No way!

199
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,904
No way!

200
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,781
I said no. I...

201
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:23,909
I'm kidding! I said yes!

202
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:27,830
Oh, my God. We're not old enough
to get married, though.

203
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,540
What? What?

204
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,292
I love you.

205
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:35,504
Congratulations. Congratulations
and I'm so happy for you.

206
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,174
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

207
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,051
- I love you, Mike! My favorite people.
- I love you, Harper!

208
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:44,388
- I was talking to my mom...
- I'm gonna let you do that.

209
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,975
I just wanna spend my life with you.

210
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,269
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, my God.

211
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,352
I'm so excited.

212
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,208
Hey, buddy.

213
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,419
What...? How long have you been there?

214
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:20,007
You're sitting alone in the dark?

215
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:26,805
Do you have a guy over?

216
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,807
Why do you always assume
I have a guy over?

217
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,018
Not all gay guys are having sex
all the time.

218
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,395
- Don't you have to teach soon?
- Can't sleep.

219
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:37,358
I'm setting up this art show for a kid
living at a homeless shelter with his mom.

220
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:40,361
I think he's good enough to get into
one of those magnet schools.

221
00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:44,990
Today I got a waiter fired for dripping
condensation on Rick's pant leg, so...

222
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,200
I also feel good.

223
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:51,372
When you get promoted, you can be one of
those rich guys that donates supplies.

224
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,082
So you don't feel so bad.

225
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,960
We love that guy.
We make him a card every year.

226
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:02,174
- I'll call you later.
- You better.

227
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,931
Technically, this time,
I did have a guy over.

228
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:26,073
Martin's leaving.
He's gonna be a VP at Sequoia Capital.

229
00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:29,118
Serious? He's jumping associate
and right to VP?

230
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:31,537
It's Rick. He knows everybody there.

231
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,290
If you got his stamp of approval,

232
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,167
- it's the golden ticket.
- Martin's barely 30.

233
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:41,255
We weren't talking to you, dipshit.
Go get Rick a smoothie.

234
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,800
I don't get Rick smoothies.

235
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,761
He's on a juice cleanse.

236
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:54,310
Paying student athletes
is such a hot-button issue.

237
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:58,606
You couldn't back off? You're implying
we're getting rich off poor kids.

238
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:03,110
We're not. We're proving it. Your AD
bought a $2-million boat last year.

239
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,279
Your star player is on food stamps.

240
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:09,658
Kirsten, we are all
a big happy family here.

241
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:13,120
We've always liked you.
We like what you're doing here,

242
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,624
but don't make a name for yourself
by burning bridges.

243
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,500
I sent you that article as a courtesy.

244
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:22,463
I'm not changing a word.
I will send you the link when it is live.

245
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,676
- That was incredible. You just feel like...
- Ah-ah.

246
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,761
Where's my lunch?

247
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,805
- I'm gonna get it.
- Tell me something I don't know!

248
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,060
Here are those ETFs.

249
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,692
- Intern?
- My name's Bo.

250
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,820
- I don't give a shit.
- It has fewer syllables.

251
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:49,865
Cover Rick's phone. I'm gonna get lunch.
All right?

252
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:54,328
Don't pee, don't zone out, don't sneeze.
Just cover his phones, try not to exist.

253
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,248
Do not ever, ever connect to his ex-wife.

254
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:01,251
- Do I tell him if she calls?
- Yeah.

255
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:05,923
And slather my dick in ink and use it
to write the hieroglyphic for "no."

256
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:09,760
- I don't know hieroglyphics.
- Sorry. That was over the line.

257
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,470
But no, don't tell him. Go.

258
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,683
Do not put on any more clothes.
I'm coming over.

259
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,184
Oh, shit.

260
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,937
Someone's ass is fired!

261
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:25,442
- What happened?
- He's upset about this.

262
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,114
- Goddamn you, Kiki!
- This is his ex-wife.

263
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,075
Kiki Otis is...? Oh, that makes sense.

264
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:35,953
"Spiritual commitment ceremony"?
You showed him this?

265
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,830
You didn't say anything about his mail.

266
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,915
- You have no idea what...
- It's non-legal.

267
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,083
Rick?

268
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,754
What is this?! Bulletproof glass?!

269
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:49,591
Where's pencil-dick?

270
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,511
- I feel like I'm pencil-dick.
- You're fired.

271
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:56,515
Charlie, take his work. I don't
wanna see pencil-dick's face again.

272
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:02,354
Pencils can be all lengths and girths,
so, the joke's on him.

273
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,943
Obviously, you're talented.
You don't have to keep convincing us.

274
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,320
Start by taking out the adjectives.

275
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,365
- Thank you so much.
- Anything for a Dartmouth grad.

276
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,075
It's late. Get out of here.

277
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,705
You are so lucky to work for her.

278
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,416
- I know.
- I reached out to her

279
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:25,044
through the alumni magazine
and she responded right away.

280
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,879
Now she's gonna be my mentor.

281
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,089
She's amazing.

282
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,805
Harper, I'm gonna take a nap.
So, just wake me up at midnight.

283
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:42,144
Oh, but don't startle me. Play a lullaby
then slowly increase the volume.

284
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,021
Okay.

285
00:18:00,537 --> 00:18:01,955
- Hello.
- Holy shit.

286
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,001
Here's your stupid interest. There you go.

287
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:09,630
What are you still doing here?
Are you like a janitor?

288
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,674
Do I look like a janitor?

289
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:14,801
No.

290
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,137
I work for Kirsten Stevens.

291
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,807
- Who?
- The sports reporter from ESPN.

292
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,308
Okay.

293
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:24,394
She got Roger Goodell to admit he'd
seen the video? Don't know her?

294
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,815
She broke the Penguins
concussion protocol story

295
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:31,944
- that literally changed the NHL.
- But what are you doing here?

296
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,196
I can't leave until she leaves.

297
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,075
And she never leaves,
so, I'm always the last one here.

298
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:39,952
- I'm the last one here.
- No, you're not.

299
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:43,664
- Even when Rick's not here, I'm here.
- Kirsten keeps a cot in her office.

300
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,834
Rick keeps a Tempur-Pedic cot
in his office. The Tesla of cots.

301
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:50,129
Kirsten's like if Miss Piggy and Voldemort
had a baby

302
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,674
and that baby had low blood sugar
and hadn't had sex in a year.

303
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,927
Don't talk about babies having sex.
What's wrong with you?

304
00:18:58,595 --> 00:18:59,763
Do you want some?

305
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,894
Rick throws away any liquor
that costs less than $200.

306
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:08,229
We're at work.

307
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,691
It's almost midnight. Grow up.

308
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:13,819
It's been so long,
I have the tolerance of a fetus.

309
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,926
It was a tough loss, but we're
putting it behind us. Looking forward.

310
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,910
The third glass is still bad.

311
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,080
If you could watch the ball
as well as you're watching my tits,

312
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,665
you could have made the playoffs.

313
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:29,376
I wanna have an article
on her site someday.

314
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,795
My God. Will you look at this?

315
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,009
Suze gets invited to cool shit.
I miss all of it.

316
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:40,304
I miss everything. It's been so long
since I've been to a party.

317
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:44,474
Or made out with a guy. I don't even
remember how. Like my tongue atrophied.

318
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:48,729
When my mom was my age, she had me.
I've never had a boyfriend.

319
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,190
But you're a grown-up.

320
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,523
Take that back.

321
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:57,487
- Not even like a camp boyfriend?
- I'm gonna end up like Kirsten.

322
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:03,952
Like buying thousand-dollar throw blankets
and... sleeping with my computer.

323
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:08,373
That's why she's so mean. She's sleeping
with a laptop. She needs to get laid.

324
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:12,920
- She needs to be made love to.
- Well, Rick needs to get laid.

325
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,299
The two of them are always in this office.
Let's lock them together

326
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,092
so they can have sex with each other.

327
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,598
Think about it.
We Cyrano them out of the office.

328
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,476
And then when they're boning, we're free.

329
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:31,438
Well, I don't need to be free,
I need to be promoted.

330
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:37,110
All I care about is that I'm not
still an assistant when I'm 28 years old.

331
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,946
That's when it gets really sad.

332
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,740
- I'm 28.
- I'm so sorry.

333
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,910
- For you. That's sad for you.
- You should leave.

334
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:46,453
Bye.

335
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,051
- I made something.
- What...?

336
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,095
You're so quiet.
You move like a Prius.

337
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,430
- What is that?
- It's a spreadsheet

338
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,058
of everything I know about Kirsten.

339
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:11,603
- What she likes, doesn't like.
- I have no idea what this is for.

340
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:14,856
To set them up.

341
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,026
For our Cyrano.

342
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:22,114
- That was a joke.
- But it doesn't have to be.

343
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,742
- What's Rick's favorite food?
- The filet from Ai Fiori's.

344
00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:28,912
- Where will he be at 3?
- His son's school play.

345
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:33,208
- Hey, what does he hate?
- "Geoff" spelled with G and sour cream.

346
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,544
We know everything about them.
What they like.

347
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:39,715
We control their entire schedule.
We are the men behind the curtain.

348
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:41,550
We can get them to do anything.

349
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:48,181
- This is very thorough.
- Thank you.

350
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:50,726
- Absolutely not.
- What?

351
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:52,102
- I thought...
- This is insane.

352
00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:54,229
I barely have time to do my job.

353
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,066
- If Rick found out, he'd fire me.
- He'd never find out.

354
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,530
- This could save us.
- I gotta take my girlfriend to lunch.

355
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,326
- Should I send this to you?
- Please don't.

356
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,162
Oh, Suze.

357
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,122
Suze.

358
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,669
Mm. Mm.

359
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:22,674
- I thought we were getting lunch.
- Excuse me. Are those seats taken?

360
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,843
Yeah, sorry. They're taken.

361
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:26,970
Yeah, I know we were.

362
00:22:28,263 --> 00:22:31,016
Rick needed me to save the seats.
His son's the second lead.

363
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,936
I thought we could do a theater picnic.

364
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:40,317
Hey, you look amazing.
How'd the, uh, thing go this morning?

365
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:43,320
Good. I booked that Old Navy campaign.

366
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,197
That is incredible.

367
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:51,411
Look, I'm gonna be traveling so much
and you're already so busy.

368
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:52,871
No. I'm not busy.

369
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:56,583
I don't wanna be with a guy
saving somebody else's seats.

370
00:22:57,209 --> 00:23:00,504
I want the guy whose seats
are being saved, you know?

371
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,133
- I think we should...
- No!

372
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,136
I know this is annoying...

373
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:13,141
Ma'am, I would lay my life down for these.
If you can't say the same, move on.

374
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,560
We can make this work.

375
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:19,481
I'm about to get promoted.
My schedule will be easier.

376
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,234
Then our seats are gonna be saved.

377
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:23,651
I promise.

378
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:27,531
- Hey.
- Excuse me.

379
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:30,033
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

380
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,535
I like the beard.

381
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,246
- You got these seats?
- Yeah.

382
00:23:34,329 --> 00:23:37,999
You're gonna have to get me a masseuse.
We're three centimeters from the stage.

383
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,837
What is wrong with you?
I'll mess up my neck.

384
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:47,551
Oh.

385
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,511
Lot of hot moms here.

386
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,888
Holler.

387
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:00,312
I'm in.

388
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:04,192
When they're boning, we're free, right?

389
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,529
Where could they meet?

390
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,700
- Rick's usually at the District Club.
- Okay.

391
00:24:11,783 --> 00:24:15,245
- Could she run into him there?
- Sure. She can run into him.

392
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:20,167
After she's nominated by two members,
one former member, approved by the board.

393
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,378
Also has a sex change.
Technically, women are allowed.

394
00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:25,589
- I get it.
- Rick cares about winning.

395
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:28,800
We just gotta make your boss
seem like a business deal

396
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:30,802
or a softball game.

397
00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:33,763
All Kirsten cares about
is her site, her brand.

398
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,017
- It's like her baby.
- She shouldn't have a real baby.

399
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:38,100
How dare you.

400
00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:41,396
But I do think that's a huge part of it.

401
00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:48,195
We need a meet cute.
Like, every great romance has a meet cute.

402
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:51,781
Like, getting stuck in an elevator
or something, but...

403
00:24:53,116 --> 00:24:55,827
- Let's get them stuck in an elevator.
- How would we do that?

404
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:58,205
You don't know Creepy Tim?

405
00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:00,749
A succulent.

406
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:05,420
Can you grow plants down here?

407
00:25:05,629 --> 00:25:08,381
Oh, no. They just slowly die.

408
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:11,759
Oh.

409
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:15,222
So, buddy, we wanted
to shut down the elevator

410
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,973
so two people could fall in love.

411
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:19,225
Charlie...

412
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:23,313
the only thing I love more than love
is love in enclosed spaces.

413
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:25,690
And succulents.

414
00:25:26,524 --> 00:25:30,528
And you already gave me
one of those, so, my answer is yes.

415
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:45,335
Falcon One's headed to the Nest.
We are a go for Pandora's Box.

416
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:47,629
You're not in the Secret Service.
Say "elevator."

417
00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:51,216
- We're a go for Pandora's Box.
- Copy that.

418
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,135
There she is.

419
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:57,097
Okay, can you stop at her floor?

420
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:04,729
Say something.

421
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:06,063
What?

422
00:26:06,773 --> 00:26:09,234
Does no one look each other
in the eyes anymore?

423
00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:12,112
Oh.

424
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:16,533
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this guy?
- You need to go, sir.

425
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:19,369
- Make your way out.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

426
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:21,579
- Call it off.
- It's go time.

427
00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,332
- What the hell?
- What did you think?

428
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:28,169
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no.

429
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:31,214
Can you start it back up?

430
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:38,263
Thank you, God. I'm extremely
claustrophobic. That would've been bad.

431
00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:39,806
But you work on a truck.

432
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:41,641
Let it go, Rick.

433
00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:45,103
Your job is to ride elevators.
How are you claustrophobic?

434
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,190
I usually take the stairs.
But today was a big day.

435
00:26:49,649 --> 00:26:51,860
Okay, let's not make it any worse.

436
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,407
- Why did you do that?
- That wasn't me.

437
00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,076
This might be
an actual system malfunction.

438
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:02,119
Oh, my God.

439
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:07,876
This has never happened before.
Oh, irony, you fickle queen.

440
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:13,256
Yup. This is how it always starts
in my nightmare.

441
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:17,135
Here we go. All right.
We just all need to calm down.

442
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:21,431
- Uh, what are you doing?
- What is he doing?

443
00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:23,892
Is it getting hot in here?

444
00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:28,146
Stop doing that, please. Stop now.

445
00:27:28,229 --> 00:27:29,981
- I need to be free of this.
- Stop that.

446
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:31,440
Okay.

447
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:35,904
The pants are off.
I'm calling the firefighters.

448
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:37,697
Don't. I'm calling the real police.

449
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,825
Okay, this button is designed
for this emergency.

450
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,370
You want the emergency response team,

451
00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:45,705
not the jackoffs
assigned to the Elevator Squad.

452
00:27:45,789 --> 00:27:47,499
No. Maybe we can make a rope.

453
00:27:47,582 --> 00:27:49,918
You're not gonna get service.
It's already ringing.

454
00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:53,213
- Excuse me.
- If we press it at the same time,

455
00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:55,840
- it'll confuse the system.
- It was ringing.

456
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,426
I gotta pee. I'm gonna pee.

457
00:27:58,676 --> 00:28:00,720
If you pee, I will end your life.

458
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:04,391
Stress incontinence. That is a real
condition and you are not helping.

459
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,476
I'm gonna listen to my body.

460
00:28:06,976 --> 00:28:07,976
Oh.

461
00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:09,854
Don't pee.

462
00:28:10,063 --> 00:28:11,063
Pee.

463
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:17,195
- Do not pee in there. Do not pee in the...
- It's too late. I'm dripping.

464
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:28,540
Shh.

465
00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:35,296
Ah.

466
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:46,056
Hello.

467
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:51,187
I'm not great at reading rooms,
but I can tell that was a success.

468
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:55,650
It was okay.

469
00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:58,403
- Are you kidding?
- Hmm?

470
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,406
That was a disaster.
They hate each other.

471
00:29:01,489 --> 00:29:04,826
Hate, we can work with.
Hate is not the opposite of love.

472
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:06,703
Know what the opposite of love is?

473
00:29:06,786 --> 00:29:08,121
- Ice.
- Indifference.

474
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:12,917
Well, that's also very true, Creepy Tim.

475
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:16,337
- Uh...
- People call me Creepy Tim?

476
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:18,506
No.

477
00:29:19,466 --> 00:29:20,466
I love it.

478
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,761
Your dry cleaning's in the car,

479
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,681
and I forwarded you Jeff's itinerary
for the Simone Biles profile.

480
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:29,516
Oh.

481
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:33,646
And, also, apparently some guy
you were stuck in the elevator with

482
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:36,107
asked security for your contact info.

483
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,778
- Was it the delivery man?
- No.

484
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,447
Um, some big shot in the building.

485
00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:46,034
I guess he has a crush on you.

486
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:51,915
But don't worry, I told them we do not
give out your number, okay?

487
00:29:56,586 --> 00:30:00,965
I heard you got stuck in an elevator
with that sports reporter. Kirsten...?

488
00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:04,385
Kirsten Stevens.
I knew I recognized her from somewhere.

489
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:05,845
Kirsten Stevens.

490
00:30:06,513 --> 00:30:09,933
I think Mark Cuban is thinking
about investing in her site.

491
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:14,686
Hmm.

492
00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:22,612
I did it. What now?

493
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:24,531
Does Rick have good Yankees tickets?

494
00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:28,076
No, he watches from the bleachers
like a peasant. He does.

495
00:30:33,623 --> 00:30:34,623
Charlie?

496
00:30:35,959 --> 00:30:36,960
Hi, I'm so sorry.

497
00:30:37,043 --> 00:30:40,380
So sorry. I got here so early
that I thought I had time to dick around,

498
00:30:40,463 --> 00:30:42,215
so I went there, lost track of time

499
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,634
- and was late.
- That's the dumbest thing I've heard.

500
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,678
- That is not a real thing.
- It is.

501
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:49,722
It's the over-dick-around thing.
I over-dicked it.

502
00:30:50,098 --> 00:30:53,434
- Why are you wearing that?
- I'm going to a baseball game.

503
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:56,187
Why are you wearing that?

504
00:30:56,396 --> 00:30:59,274
I'm not on the team.
Why would I wear the jersey?

505
00:30:59,357 --> 00:31:02,735
- I don't wear scrubs to the doctor's.
- I'll get nachos.

506
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:06,197
I've made a mistake.

507
00:31:07,323 --> 00:31:09,200
What are you doing? Come on!

508
00:31:20,420 --> 00:31:22,088
- Bobby?
- Harper?

509
00:31:22,463 --> 00:31:24,841
Hey, I need a favor. We need...

510
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:26,383
the people...

511
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,847
in these two seats right here to make out.

512
00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:34,726
- What do they look like?
- One is a beautiful woman with dark hair

513
00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:37,645
and a fierceness
that's both scary and inspiring.

514
00:31:39,522 --> 00:31:40,648
The other is a guy.

515
00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:43,943
- You know I can make this happen.
- Good.

516
00:31:44,777 --> 00:31:46,487
Number 40, Luis Severino.

517
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:50,408
Yankees' 24-year-old Dominican pitcher
is on the mound to start.

518
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:53,912
So, Rick's here. If you see the...

519
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:57,790
- You see the U? He's right above.
- Do you have a telescope so I can see him?

520
00:31:58,207 --> 00:32:01,210
- Are seats this far back legal?
- These are the best.

521
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:04,672
There's a community here.
And you can see the whole field.

522
00:32:05,506 --> 00:32:06,716
And there's Dennis.

523
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:08,843
Hi, sweetheart. How you doing?

524
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:12,555
Dennis introduced me to the Gerilympics.
He's a heavy weightlifting champ.

525
00:32:13,514 --> 00:32:17,477
- What does he bench, negative 10?
- I heard that, you little pissant.

526
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:18,686
I'm old, not deaf.

527
00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:22,357
- Is that your boyfriend?
- Absolutely not, Dennis.

528
00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:23,816
Good.

529
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,527
Now batting, Red Sox
number 16, Andrew Benintendi.

530
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:31,074
Let's frigging get that!

531
00:32:32,283 --> 00:32:35,453
I'm gonna take a picture of you
and post it on Tinder.

532
00:32:36,329 --> 00:32:38,748
You know, guys love girls
who like sports.

533
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,501
- Are you kidding me?
- They do.

534
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:46,464
They think they like girls liking sports.
They like a girl in a tight sports jersey

535
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,257
serving wings
and getting terms wrong.

536
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:50,385
Guys like girls
who like guys who like sports.

537
00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:52,095
- Got it? Oh!
- Kirsten's here!

538
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,309
Number 31, Aaron Hicks
steps into the batter's box.

539
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:07,443
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

540
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:11,948
- This is a weird coincidence.
- Here we go.

541
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:16,619
- I hope you took the stairs.
- How else would I get here?

542
00:33:17,745 --> 00:33:20,540
No, I mean, because nobody...
Nobody peed.

543
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:23,501
- You know?
- Ah. Yes.

544
00:33:24,210 --> 00:33:25,210
Yeah.

545
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:31,134
- You here by yourself?
- Uh, I'm supposed to meet a colleague.

546
00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:34,595
Yeah, me, too. An investor.
I guess he's stuck in traffic.

547
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:37,074
- Swings and misses.
- Come on!

548
00:33:37,098 --> 00:33:41,310
- You know his slider drops like that!
- Be elite! Come on!

549
00:33:42,729 --> 00:33:45,231
Ice-cold beer!
Get your ice-cold beer here!

550
00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:48,359
You're welcome to take this seat
until my colleague gets here.

551
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,403
It's the best seat in the stadium.

552
00:33:51,654 --> 00:33:54,282
Actually, it's just
the most expensive seat.

553
00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:56,784
From where I'm sitting,
you hear both coaches better.

554
00:33:57,410 --> 00:34:00,872
But you're welcome to sit here
until my colleague arrives.

555
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:06,335
Single down the right field
line, the Yankees score a run.

556
00:34:06,669 --> 00:34:07,669
Thank you.

557
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:13,468
Wait. Oh, yeah!
That is what I'm talking about!

558
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:17,889
All right, Yankees fans,
pucker up.

559
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:19,432
- It's happening.
- Come on.

560
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:25,021
All right. It's Kirsten and Rick!
I told you he'd find them.

561
00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:26,606
All right. Come on.

562
00:34:26,689 --> 00:34:27,689
Come on.

563
00:34:29,025 --> 00:34:32,361
- No need to be shy.
- We're not together. We're just...

564
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,699
- They're not gonna kiss.
- What?

565
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:38,576
- We're waiting.
- Come on.

566
00:34:38,659 --> 00:34:39,786
Share the love.

567
00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:43,706
They were nervous.
If they gave them more time...

568
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:44,790
I know, I know.

569
00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:47,919
- How about you guys?
- Give them more time!

570
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:50,129
Boo!

571
00:34:50,838 --> 00:34:52,840
- That's the spirit.
- Boo!

572
00:34:53,966 --> 00:34:55,176
What's your problem?

573
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:57,512
- Who are you?
- For a different reason.

574
00:34:57,845 --> 00:35:01,766
Who's next? There we go. There we go.

575
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:09,941
And back to our first couple.
Care to reconsider? Last chance.

576
00:35:10,024 --> 00:35:13,653
No, okay. Oh, kiss, kiss. It's the law!

577
00:35:13,736 --> 00:35:16,531
Kiss, kiss, kiss.

578
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,283
Kiss, kiss, kiss.

579
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:22,495
- Oh, my God. Why?
- I don't know.

580
00:35:22,578 --> 00:35:25,998
Should we send them popcorn or something?

581
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:28,417
And a kiss for Mom. Sweet.

582
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:32,421
- Come on. Come on.
- Come on.

583
00:35:32,505 --> 00:35:35,842
- Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- We did it already.

584
00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:37,385
Kiss, kiss, kiss.

585
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:40,888
- Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- All right.

586
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:42,473
Kiss, kiss, kiss.

587
00:35:51,691 --> 00:35:53,025
- Yeah!
- Yes!

588
00:35:56,362 --> 00:35:57,488
We have no e-mails.

589
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:01,534
Well, it's hard to bark orders
when your tongue is down someone's throat.

590
00:36:01,617 --> 00:36:04,662
- That's true.
- We're free. The world's our oyster.

591
00:36:04,745 --> 00:36:07,415
- We're free. Have fun with Suze.
- You, too.

592
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:11,169
- Are you taking the...?
- You taking the 4?

593
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:13,296
Kind of wasted that high-five.

594
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:34,774
Hello.

595
00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:37,737
Any sports moments make you cry?

596
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:53,376
Yeah.

597
00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:56,714
Oh, my goodness. Who are you?

598
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:02,178
I'm sorry, Kirsten, the 3 train stalled,
then there was a new barista,

599
00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,972
and she didn't know the milk your coffee...
She didn't...

600
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:12,104
- Rick's not here.
- Neither is Kirsten.

601
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:14,815
What if a psychopath saw them
on the Kiss Cam

602
00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:16,776
and followed them home and murdered them?

603
00:37:17,693 --> 00:37:19,654
Legally, where are we in that scenario?

604
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:23,366
Please, I have watched enough Law & Order
to know that we are absolutely,

605
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:25,952
- 100 percent, no doubt about it...
- Morning.

606
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:29,455
I could use some coffee.
You mind getting me a flat white?

607
00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:31,414
Would I mind?

608
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:33,833
It'd be my honor.

609
00:37:35,127 --> 00:37:36,212
Harper, my office.

610
00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:51,602
- I spent the night with a man.
- A man. You spent the night with... Hmm?

611
00:37:51,686 --> 00:37:55,606
Oh, wow, that's amazing. You get it, girl.

612
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:59,026
We did not sleep together.
We did everything but.

613
00:37:59,902 --> 00:38:03,781
I'm not the kind of person who sleeps
with people on the first date anymore.

614
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:06,158
- Right.
- I guess it had been a while.

615
00:38:06,242 --> 00:38:07,368
Longer than I realized.

616
00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:10,955
I don't think they should hear that.

617
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:15,042
The waiting was almost tantric.

618
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:17,127
What?

619
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:19,588
Even when he was being gentle,

620
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:23,009
I could sense a possibility of strength
in his touch.

621
00:38:23,092 --> 00:38:27,847
Kind of like when Koko was petting
that tiny kitten.

622
00:38:28,597 --> 00:38:32,476
Just like petting it,
petting it, petting it.

623
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:41,109
Let's bullhorn.

624
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:50,077
- Okay, tell me something I don't know.
- Yeah, I did not know that.

625
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:54,874
- Charlie, Kirsten just left.
- So did Rick.

626
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:56,584
It's daylight.

627
00:38:56,667 --> 00:39:00,379
I know. Okay. I'm getting out of here
before Kirsten comes back,

628
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,590
and this was all
some terrible prank.

629
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:05,801
I have a date with some guy
that I messaged last night,

630
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:08,804
- and we're gonna go mini-golfing.
- That's a terrible idea.

631
00:39:08,888 --> 00:39:10,181
Why is that a terrible idea?

632
00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:12,266
You have Dave Matthews'
concentration face.

633
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,144
- No, I don't.
- Mm, I saw you write cursive one time.

634
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:18,647
Go, have fun. Let him win a few holes.

635
00:39:19,148 --> 00:39:21,442
Excuse me. I only have one hole.

636
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:24,403
- Oh, my God. I meant at golf.
- So did I.

637
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:31,035
Hey, you're home before me.
Did you quit?

638
00:39:31,118 --> 00:39:33,037
No, I got off early.

639
00:39:33,996 --> 00:39:35,414
Making Suze some dinner.

640
00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:40,336
So, uh, Suze is coming over. That's nice.

641
00:39:41,128 --> 00:39:43,506
Why did you say it like that?
Why'd your voice go up?

642
00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:46,342
'Cause, you know, she, uh... She sucks.

643
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:49,387
- What?
- If you take away her face and her boobs,

644
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,138
you realize she's not saying anything.

645
00:39:51,806 --> 00:39:55,267
That's the most heterophobic thing
I've ever heard. You just don't know her.

646
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:58,396
- How well do you know her?
- I know everything about Suze, all right?

647
00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:00,773
- We talk all the time. I text her all day.
- Like?

648
00:40:01,273 --> 00:40:05,528
She's from Puerto Rico. She's a model.
She uses La Mer products.

649
00:40:06,112 --> 00:40:08,322
She doesn't like dairy. There you go.

650
00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:11,367
All right. Well, what do you do
if you wanna have an intimate,

651
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,119
meaningful conversation with somebody?

652
00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:15,621
- I talk to you.
- That's not what I'm for.

653
00:40:15,704 --> 00:40:18,332
That's what your girlfriend's for.
To be your best friend.

654
00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,877
You're my best friend.
I've never pooped at her apartment.

655
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:25,381
Whose fault is that? Should've did that
the first date. Mark your territory.

656
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:29,718
I barely...
I don't have health insurance,

657
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:31,846
but Gronk got wasted at a Christmas party.

658
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:36,642
- You seriously have the dream job.
- Well, Kirsten has the dream job.

659
00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:40,354
- I love Kirsten Stevens. So cool.
- Yeah.

660
00:40:40,729 --> 00:40:44,108
- Wait, what's she like?
- She's...

661
00:40:44,191 --> 00:40:46,944
- Well, she's great. She's great, really.
- Yeah?

662
00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:50,197
She's so smart and hard-working.
Kind of inspiring.

663
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,825
- Inspiring? Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

664
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:54,160
- Here we go.
- Let's do this.

665
00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:05,087
- That didn't go.
- You letting me win to boost my ego?

666
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:09,091
I wanna destroy you. I'm trying
not to make my concentration face.

667
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:14,013
Oh, no. Why don't I just stand behind you,
and you can make whatever face you want.

668
00:41:14,096 --> 00:41:16,140
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Cool. Yeah.

669
00:41:21,645 --> 00:41:24,273
Oh, my goodness.

670
00:41:24,356 --> 00:41:26,692
- Well...
- I hope that was your golf club,

671
00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:28,903
because it felt extremely small.

672
00:41:28,986 --> 00:41:31,489
That's not the right thing to say.

673
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:46,712
- Harper?
- Mm-hm?

674
00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:50,132
My phone is broken.
Voice messages aren't coming through.

675
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:52,051
Oh, really?

676
00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:57,389
- Mm-mm. It works fine.
- There is something wrong with it!

677
00:42:03,062 --> 00:42:04,230
Oh.

678
00:42:05,064 --> 00:42:06,106
Okay.

679
00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:22,623
- You know what's crazy?
- I don't care.

680
00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:25,751
- Just how different dating is nowadays.
- Why are you still talking?

681
00:42:26,418 --> 00:42:28,837
You know, you used to have to wait
three days to call,

682
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:31,423
but now women think the longer you take...

683
00:42:34,593 --> 00:42:36,303
the smaller your penis.

684
00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:42,016
Get out.

685
00:42:44,895 --> 00:42:46,814
- This is an elevator.
- Get out.

686
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:49,524
I've got it.

687
00:42:50,818 --> 00:42:52,278
Hey, there.

688
00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:54,488
Please hold for Rick.

689
00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:06,500
And now I'm seeing
this badass bitch. She's a journalist.

690
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:11,589
Good. Dating is so much better now.
Everybody's sexting and waxing.

691
00:43:11,672 --> 00:43:15,342
You know, and Kiki,
she never shaved, just to punish me.

692
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:20,097
I mean, if I see any hair on a woman,
I'm out. See you.

693
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:25,853
- So?
- Kirsten needs to get a bikini wax.

694
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:29,940
Oh, okay.
Hello to you, too. Excuse me?

695
00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:33,527
Just tell her to get one.
You're girls. You talk about that.

696
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:38,532
Oh, right.
I forgot that every morning I walk in,

697
00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:41,994
I hand her her latte,
and then we talk about merkins

698
00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:44,955
and the cyclical popularity
of the full bush.

699
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,416
- What's a merkin?
- It's a pubic hair wig.

700
00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:49,918
A wig for the pube region.

701
00:43:50,544 --> 00:43:53,172
You know, I miss the time
when I didn't know what that was.

702
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:54,839
There we go.

703
00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:59,136
Oh, uh, okay. Tomorrow morning,
you have that salon appointment.

704
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:03,140
- What? What salon appointment?
- I mean, the one for the bikini wax.

705
00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:07,645
- Bikini wax, when did I make that?
- You made that ages ago.

706
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:10,481
Just like an annual checkup,
general upkeep.

707
00:44:12,024 --> 00:44:14,818
- What salon?
- The one you told me to make it at.

708
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,194
- Exhale?
- Bliss...

709
00:44:17,529 --> 00:44:18,529
Exhale.

710
00:44:20,741 --> 00:44:23,744
She gonna clear out the brush,
the bush brush.

711
00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:27,665
Clear out the bush and brush
and just make it as smooth as a baby.

712
00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:30,376
To have a baby.
You don't need one of those.

713
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:32,252
The babies or the bush or the brush.

714
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,338
I have so many calls.

715
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:40,386
But if we hadn't have intervened,
Rick would have called her too late,

716
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:43,806
and Kirsten's lack of waxing
would have turned him off,

717
00:44:43,889 --> 00:44:45,689
and there would have never been
a second date.

718
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:49,728
- Okay.
- We can't just kick them out of the nest,

719
00:44:50,145 --> 00:44:54,191
because they're baby birds,
and they are careening to their death.

720
00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:58,445
- We have to actually Cyrano them. Yeah.
- Absolutely. Totally.

721
00:44:59,196 --> 00:45:01,907
I mean, that's what
we've been doing up to now.

722
00:45:01,990 --> 00:45:05,369
- That's what we should continue to do.
- You know what Cyrano means, right?

723
00:45:05,452 --> 00:45:06,829
Yeah, I'm not an idiot.

724
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,080
So, what is it?

725
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:15,504
It's when... So, if like two assistants
were setting up their boss...

726
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,341
- I don't know what Cyrano is. I know.
- You don't know it. I've said it 14 times.

727
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:21,593
I thought I knew when you said it,

728
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:24,680
- and then it was too late to ask.
- Okay. It's when a nerdy guy

729
00:45:24,763 --> 00:45:27,558
helps a handsome guy
date the girl that he loves

730
00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:29,977
by telling him what to say, what to do.

731
00:45:30,060 --> 00:45:33,564
That is not what we're doing.
We're full-on Parent Trapping.

732
00:45:33,647 --> 00:45:36,316
- No, we're not.
- I've seen the Lindsay Lohan classic

733
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,777
enough times to know
that we're Parent Trapping hard.

734
00:45:38,861 --> 00:45:41,280
No, Charlie, the point is,
we can't just set them up,

735
00:45:41,363 --> 00:45:43,323
we have to help them keep dating.

736
00:46:14,646 --> 00:46:17,316
Yes, that one. He's an ass man.

737
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,529
Mr. Otis said you can wait in the lobby.

738
00:46:29,786 --> 00:46:31,038
Don't walk like that.

739
00:46:33,707 --> 00:46:36,210
There are two kinds of compliments
to give a woman.

740
00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:39,546
The things she thinks about herself
but needs confirmed,

741
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:42,508
and the thing she doesn't think
anybody notices about her.

742
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,885
The second kind matters more.

743
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:55,896
Charlie. I'm gonna be in late tomorrow.

744
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,028
I'm taking the rest of the day.

745
00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:14,831
Ooh.

746
00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:51,535
I took a nap today. A nap.

747
00:47:52,327 --> 00:47:54,663
- Are you ready to order yet?
- Not yet.

748
00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:58,458
- But I'd love some more chips.
- Sure.

749
00:48:00,627 --> 00:48:03,630
Naps are great. But I got
a bigger situation on my hands, Charlie.

750
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:08,218
Becca's engagement party is next weekend.
I need to guarantee that I can be there.

751
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,388
It's really important for me, okay?
Here's my plan.

752
00:48:11,888 --> 00:48:17,019
Get Rick to invite Kirsten on a romantic
weekend getaway trip to Nantucket.

753
00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:20,856
There's a wine festival next weekend,
and you're gonna plant all the information

754
00:48:20,939 --> 00:48:24,735
and make Rick think that he thought of it,
but he didn't, we did.

755
00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:26,320
- Okay?
- Okay.

756
00:48:26,403 --> 00:48:29,615
And they're gonna be marooned on an island
with limited cell service,

757
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:32,534
which means you and I will have
an entire weekend to ourselves.

758
00:48:32,618 --> 00:48:36,997
Perfect. Suze's modeling agency is
throwing this fancy party next Saturday.

759
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,249
I'll show up, throw out pheromones.

760
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:43,086
- Let everyone know she's got a boyfriend.
- Don't say the word pheromones around me.

761
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,215
I'm sorry. I meant, uh, chemicals secreted
in my sweat to attract females

762
00:48:47,299 --> 00:48:49,551
- to my throbbing DNA.
- No, no.

763
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:55,390
Is that...? What...? Can you just...?

764
00:48:55,974 --> 00:48:58,185
You should probably be easier
on the "ha ha has."

765
00:48:58,268 --> 00:48:59,268
Hmm?

766
00:48:59,936 --> 00:49:03,440
I mean, you find him humorous.
You're not a psychotic clown.

767
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:05,609
Psychotic clown,
what are you talking about?

768
00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:09,029
If you like Golf Guy, you'll go out
with three other guys this week.

769
00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:11,823
- Okay, why?
- Remember when you were a kid?

770
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:16,620
If you had three salamanders,
you played with each of them every day,

771
00:49:16,703 --> 00:49:17,913
and they'd live for years.

772
00:49:18,538 --> 00:49:22,459
But when you had one salamander,
and you held it and you loved it,

773
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:25,796
and you played with it,
and it just died immediately.

774
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:27,797
No.

775
00:49:28,256 --> 00:49:30,300
Well, men are kind of like that.

776
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:33,595
You put too much focus on him,
he can sense it,

777
00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:37,808
then you're gonna accidentally kill him.
Then you gotta hide him in your drawer

778
00:49:37,891 --> 00:49:40,519
- so your mom doesn't find out.
- I like my one salamander.

779
00:49:40,936 --> 00:49:42,604
Okay, let's get out of here.

780
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:46,817
- Wait. We haven't even ordered yet.
- Hello? No. I better get out of here.

781
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:49,111
- It's an emergency.
- What?

782
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:53,240
- Well, I was just about to order and pay
- It's an emergency.

783
00:49:53,323 --> 00:49:56,118
for my dinner
at this very nice restaurant,

784
00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:59,871
but I guess I'll just rush
straight to the hospital.

785
00:49:59,955 --> 00:50:02,082
- Thank you.
- An emergency.

786
00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:05,419
Oh, my God, the whole leg?

787
00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:08,734
These things always happen
when you least expect it.

788
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:11,758
I mean, I saw your phone
not ring.

789
00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:15,345
It's not legally a crime,
but we both know this isn't right.

790
00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:29,401
Why do I only have a 2D printer?
What am I, a caveman?

791
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:34,156
There's too much paper here!
This is the digital age!

792
00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:41,580
I'll have you know,
my tongue is no longer atrophied.

793
00:50:41,663 --> 00:50:45,208
- Code red, code black, code... Shit.
- Code red, I can't tell what that means,

794
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:47,895
- but code shit, I feel like that's bad.
- Change of plans.

795
00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:48,920
I won't go out of town.

796
00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:52,048
Make sure they know the office
has to be open all weekend.

797
00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:53,132
Um, of course.

798
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:57,262
- Is everything okay?
- Obviously. Why would you ask me that?

799
00:50:57,345 --> 00:50:58,345
Well, no reason.

800
00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:02,184
I am a successful woman.
I don't need to travel

801
00:51:02,267 --> 00:51:04,853
with a pathetic man-child
who can't even feed himself.

802
00:51:04,936 --> 00:51:05,979
Of course not.

803
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:10,984
Here's a riddle. Would you tell me
you love Korean barbecue

804
00:51:11,067 --> 00:51:13,361
if you've never had it
and didn't know what it was?

805
00:51:13,445 --> 00:51:14,446
No.

806
00:51:14,529 --> 00:51:18,200
And if we went there, would you refuse
to let me explain how it works,

807
00:51:18,283 --> 00:51:20,911
eat raw meat,
rather than admit you're wrong,

808
00:51:20,994 --> 00:51:23,997
and blame me
when you threw it up on a hot grill?

809
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,080
Never.

810
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,542
Kirsten, do you want your...? No, okay.

811
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:33,924
A lot of men proposed to me in my 20s.
I could be thrice divorced by now.

812
00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:38,178
But I'm not gonna pretend to let him
teach me about how the world works

813
00:51:38,261 --> 00:51:40,305
just so he can get it up!

814
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:42,641
He's such a jerk.

815
00:51:45,227 --> 00:51:47,687
I'm worried that your abrasiveness
and general demeanor

816
00:51:47,771 --> 00:51:49,147
will hinder you in the workplace.

817
00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:53,735
You put a plate full of raw beef
in front of me,

818
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:57,280
I think it's tartare,
and I'm the idiot?

819
00:51:57,364 --> 00:52:01,326
I'm sorry if I expect my food
to be properly cooked

820
00:52:01,409 --> 00:52:05,539
whilst I sit in a restaurant.
What am I, a chef? Uh-uh.

821
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:09,251
- Do I got a Michelin star?
- You could if you wanted to.

822
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:12,629
She did this shit on purpose
to make me look stupid.

823
00:52:13,421 --> 00:52:14,589
This was a power play.

824
00:52:15,257 --> 00:52:17,634
I don't think she tried to power play.

825
00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:20,720
Can't get the image of barbecued vomit
out of my head now.

826
00:52:22,848 --> 00:52:25,976
This shitty computer
isn't taking my password.

827
00:52:28,603 --> 00:52:30,564
- That's my...
- Take my password!

828
00:52:35,151 --> 00:52:36,151
That's my laptop.

829
00:52:37,612 --> 00:52:38,947
Bring me my laptop.

830
00:52:43,118 --> 00:52:45,036
How could you let them
pick the restaurant?

831
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:47,539
- It was your turn to choose.
- No, you chose last time.

832
00:52:48,915 --> 00:52:49,915
Damn it.

833
00:52:51,001 --> 00:52:52,544
Rick is worse than before.

834
00:52:52,627 --> 00:52:54,629
- He tried to fire a mailman today.
- My God.

835
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:58,341
- Mailmen work for the U.S. government.
- Get them together before they kill us.

836
00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:01,303
I can feel it in my bones
that Kirsten is capable of murder.

837
00:53:02,012 --> 00:53:04,973
- So, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

838
00:53:06,266 --> 00:53:08,059
It's your turn to figure something out.

839
00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:11,396
Why isn't there anything
in my calendar at 2 p.m.?

840
00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:13,690
You know I need a hard out
after family events.

841
00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:16,818
Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I didn't know
that your lunch was with family.

842
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:19,946
- I'll figure it out right now.
- If I pay you to make my life easier,

843
00:53:20,030 --> 00:53:23,158
but instead, you make it harder,
you're useless to me.

844
00:53:23,241 --> 00:53:24,326
Do you understand?

845
00:53:29,956 --> 00:53:33,126
So, bad news is,
Kirsten ripped me a new one.

846
00:53:33,668 --> 00:53:36,296
Good news is I now have time
to see Golf Guy.

847
00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:39,090
- Mm.
- What is this? Charlie?

848
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:44,971
- Oh, my God.
- This is Rick's son's science project.

849
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:50,393
Life gave me lemons,
and I used it to battery-power lemonade.

850
00:53:50,894 --> 00:53:52,979
Can you... fix it?

851
00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:58,610
No. It was a masterpiece,
and now he's not even getting a ribbon.

852
00:54:00,320 --> 00:54:03,156
Go, get out of here. Save yourself.

853
00:54:05,116 --> 00:54:07,285
- Good luck.
- Thank you.

854
00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:15,293
We need a new project.
Whole new thing.

855
00:54:16,294 --> 00:54:18,129
- Yeah.
- What about Golf Guy?

856
00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:21,216
I don't wanna squeeze
my salamander too hard.

857
00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:26,304
I honestly did not know that someone could
do this to lemons with their bare hands.

858
00:54:28,848 --> 00:54:31,768
Rick was so pissed.

859
00:54:31,851 --> 00:54:36,022
Imagine if a duck were on meth,
it was like, "Hey, Charlie. Charlie."

860
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:39,359
- Sounded like that duck.
- Why do you work for this guy?

861
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:43,446
- Why don't you just... quit?
- Are you insane?

862
00:54:43,863 --> 00:54:46,658
I've spent three years
doing every shit errand imaginable.

863
00:54:47,742 --> 00:54:48,742
Can't quit.

864
00:54:49,828 --> 00:54:52,789
I'd have to start all over,
and all of this would've been a waste.

865
00:54:53,331 --> 00:54:57,877
Plus, Rick is the most respected VC
of all time, so if he makes me an analyst,

866
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:00,797
- I can get a job anywhere.
- But do you like the actual work?

867
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,800
Nobody likes the actual work.
That's the job.

868
00:55:03,883 --> 00:55:05,927
Do the best one
where you make the most money.

869
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:07,011
Hmm.

870
00:55:12,100 --> 00:55:13,685
Okay, why do you work for Kirsten?

871
00:55:14,352 --> 00:55:17,480
I work for Kirsten because I wanna write
the articles that made me cry

872
00:55:17,564 --> 00:55:21,234
when I was a little girl, and Kirsten's
the best sports journalist there is.

873
00:55:22,402 --> 00:55:24,029
Well, has she read any of your stuff?

874
00:55:24,696 --> 00:55:27,949
I haven't written anything
or finished writing anything.

875
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:31,119
My days are so long
and so exhausting

876
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:34,873
it's like when I have time,
everything I write is... bad.

877
00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:38,334
- That is probably not true.
- It is true.

878
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:41,921
I think I wanted to impress her
and I wanted her to like me,

879
00:55:43,214 --> 00:55:47,010
so, it's just like, I worked so hard
at being this great assistant

880
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:49,471
and making sure she was happy that...

881
00:55:51,056 --> 00:55:55,602
I don't know, feels like I might have lost
any writing skill I ever had.

882
00:55:56,519 --> 00:55:59,689
Well, that is definitely not true.

883
00:56:01,983 --> 00:56:03,318
You're a terrible assistant.

884
00:56:07,030 --> 00:56:08,490
Can you pass me a few of those?

885
00:56:15,371 --> 00:56:16,790
- You ready?
- I'm ready.

886
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,127
- What?
- Yeah.

887
00:56:21,211 --> 00:56:23,379
Holy shit. How does that work?

888
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:26,091
Well, the bonds in the milk connect
with the DNA in the...

889
00:56:26,174 --> 00:56:28,968
I have no idea. I'm not a scientist.

890
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:36,935
All the supplies are in the bag.
Feels like a winner.

891
00:56:37,852 --> 00:56:39,813
This isn't as good as the lemons.

892
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:47,296
He wasn't happy,
but he didn't break anything,

893
00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:50,740
- so, maybe that's an improvement.
- Well, technically, he's right,

894
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,034
but given the fact
that we did that in the night,

895
00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:56,371
- Magic Milk should win a Nobel Prize.
- Charlie!

896
00:56:56,454 --> 00:56:57,747
Yo!

897
00:56:57,831 --> 00:57:00,375
- Oh, my God. I think Rick's drunk.
- What?

898
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:05,004
I've never seen him drunk before.
He's violent when he's sober.

899
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:06,589
Charlie...?

900
00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:14,931
- Yeah.
- Do it with me, white boy.

901
00:57:17,308 --> 00:57:20,228
Yeah. Get over here, you dig it?
Come on, man.

902
00:57:21,771 --> 00:57:22,814
Come on.

903
00:57:23,398 --> 00:57:25,233
Charlie chicken and grits

904
00:57:25,483 --> 00:57:26,483
Huh!

905
00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:28,528
You don't know that shit.

906
00:57:31,072 --> 00:57:32,072
Um...

907
00:57:35,243 --> 00:57:36,327
You're a good guy.

908
00:57:39,581 --> 00:57:40,582
Do you know that?

909
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,335
- For real.
- What?

910
00:57:49,591 --> 00:57:50,800
I appreciate you.

911
00:57:52,677 --> 00:57:54,929
And I should tell you that more often.

912
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:03,980
Good idea. Let's have another drink.

913
00:58:08,651 --> 00:58:11,571
- Okay.
- Oh, no. No, no, no. I got it.

914
00:58:18,661 --> 00:58:20,288
I hate losing, Charlie.

915
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:24,000
And she thinks I'm a loser.

916
00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:26,377
What should I do?

917
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,173
You're a person.

918
00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:33,510
What would you do?

919
00:58:37,972 --> 00:58:40,475
- Apologize.
- No. Next.

920
00:58:41,267 --> 00:58:44,479
Tell her she's good at her job.
Tell her you respect what she does.

921
00:58:46,397 --> 00:58:47,607
Just tell her you see her.

922
00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:50,108
Ew.

923
00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:55,031
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.

924
00:58:57,075 --> 00:59:01,079
I think maybe it's just...
Maybe it's just what I'd wanna hear.

925
00:59:04,832 --> 00:59:05,832
Hmm?

926
00:59:20,348 --> 00:59:21,391
Hey.

927
00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:25,019
What are you doing here?

928
00:59:25,895 --> 00:59:26,895
I see you.

929
00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:31,734
What? What does that even mean?

930
00:59:32,443 --> 00:59:33,443
I see you.

931
00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:35,280
"I see you," like...

932
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:37,657
I see you.

933
00:59:45,039 --> 00:59:48,042
- Oh. Lock the door.
- Mm-hm.

934
00:59:51,379 --> 00:59:52,380
Yes, ma'am.

935
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:55,133
I meant that as a joke.

936
00:59:56,926 --> 00:59:57,969
You're the boss.

937
01:00:05,310 --> 01:00:08,104
Let's go to your apartment. I'm serious.

938
01:00:10,607 --> 01:00:11,607
Rick.

939
01:00:23,369 --> 01:00:25,997
- Charlie?
- I want rose petals everywhere.

940
01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,374
I need it to look like a massacre
at a flower shop.

941
01:00:28,958 --> 01:00:31,711
Nantucket is a go. They land in an hour,
I put the champagne

942
01:00:31,794 --> 01:00:35,298
- on Rick's credit card. Here you go.
- Hotel room is all set.

943
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:38,760
- It's about to be Boner City in there.
- Wow, okay.

944
01:00:39,302 --> 01:00:42,138
Someone say Boner City?
Frigging love that place.

945
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:44,932
Harper, this is Duncan. My roommate.

946
01:00:45,016 --> 01:00:47,101
He's a teacher
at a middle school in the Bronx.

947
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:49,604
But he's gay, so,
keep your ovaries in your pants.

948
01:00:49,687 --> 01:00:52,899
- I'll just shove them back in there.
- What are you...?

949
01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:56,653
- Why are you dressed like that?
- For Becca's engagement party tonight.

950
01:00:57,820 --> 01:01:00,239
What are you wearing?
Where are the rest of your shorts?

951
01:01:01,157 --> 01:01:04,577
These are cool, all right?
Suze likes short shorts on guys.

952
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:07,121
- Stop.
- Your shorts suck.

953
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:09,791
You know what, stop it.
You're not friends.

954
01:01:09,874 --> 01:01:12,210
- I feel like we're becoming friends.
- We're friends.

955
01:01:12,293 --> 01:01:14,712
- Do you wanna come to this party?
- I don't think so.

956
01:01:14,796 --> 01:01:17,256
I gotta finish writing this article
to distract myself.

957
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:18,675
Distract yourself from what?

958
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:21,010
The fact that Golf Guy
hasn't called me in a few days.

959
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:24,180
- Like zero contact?
- Yeah, but he'll call me soon,

960
01:01:24,263 --> 01:01:26,641
'cause he said he was gonna come
to Becca's party tonight.

961
01:01:27,558 --> 01:01:30,561
- Whatever. It's not like I care.
- It's gonna be fun.

962
01:01:30,645 --> 01:01:32,438
- Duncan?
- Free booze and hot dogs.

963
01:01:32,522 --> 01:01:35,733
- You've convinced me. I'll be there.
- Perfect. She's my plus one.

964
01:01:35,817 --> 01:01:39,320
You're my plus one.
I'm Suze's plus one. You're a plus two.

965
01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,656
- So, she's my plus three.
- I'm his plus three.

966
01:01:41,739 --> 01:01:42,739
What?

967
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,788
DJ JC,
kicking it live on the dance floor.

968
01:01:48,871 --> 01:01:50,164
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.

969
01:01:50,248 --> 01:01:52,728
- You see all the hot guys?
- Don't do that.

970
01:01:52,792 --> 01:01:57,296
Everybody's so tan. Oh, my goodness.
Look at you. You look so pretty.

971
01:01:58,089 --> 01:01:59,632
Duncan, you know Suze.

972
01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:02,885
I heard you were coming,
and I still showed up, so...

973
01:02:03,386 --> 01:02:05,179
- Harper.
- I'm Harper.

974
01:02:05,805 --> 01:02:06,681
Oh!

975
01:02:06,764 --> 01:02:09,851
- How are you doing this?
- I get you every time. Yeah.

976
01:02:09,934 --> 01:02:13,229
Stop. Stop hugging each other.
You are not friends.

977
01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:14,814
We're killing it.

978
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:22,739
Do you guys know each other?

979
01:02:22,822 --> 01:02:26,159
It's like Battle of the Bulge over here.
It's a war zone.

980
01:02:37,044 --> 01:02:38,921
- Hey, Charlie.
- He's not gonna call you,

981
01:02:39,005 --> 01:02:41,632
- and it's not a big deal.
- I slept with him.

982
01:02:41,716 --> 01:02:44,594
I don't do that with many people.
Thanks, Duncan.

983
01:02:44,677 --> 01:02:47,513
First guy I ever slept with came out
while he was inside of me.

984
01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,932
I hate to be the one
that has to explain this.

985
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:53,311
- That's actually how sex works.
- That's not what she's talking about, bro.

986
01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:56,481
- He came out as a gay man.
- While he was inside you?

987
01:02:57,023 --> 01:03:00,401
Yeah, you know, it's kind of like
you don't really know until you tried it.

988
01:03:00,485 --> 01:03:03,738
And then, once you tried it,
you really know.

989
01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:05,031
Wow.

990
01:03:05,114 --> 01:03:08,409
Well, you know what?
Golf Guy wasn't like that.

991
01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:11,078
He was perfect.

992
01:03:11,162 --> 01:03:14,081
I think your bar for perfect
is really low.

993
01:03:14,665 --> 01:03:17,919
Can we stop? We're gonna play
a game called hard to get.

994
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:22,131
Hard to get? Makes no sense.
It's evolutionarily unsound.

995
01:03:22,507 --> 01:03:25,510
Why would a caveman want a cavewoman
who was like, "Go get me food.

996
01:03:25,593 --> 01:03:27,970
When you come back,
maybe there'll be a cave for you,

997
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:30,014
maybe there won't be."
Men should want women

998
01:03:30,097 --> 01:03:33,935
that are gonna keep the coziest,
warmest caves. Men need shelter.

999
01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:38,064
- I am guaranteeing shelter.
- Screw Golf Guy.

1000
01:03:38,648 --> 01:03:43,110
I did screw Golf Guy. That's why
I'm having this frigging problem.

1001
01:03:43,194 --> 01:03:44,195
No, forget about him.

1002
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:50,201
I will go with you to the party.
I will be your other salamander.

1003
01:03:50,576 --> 01:03:52,620
What are you talking about?
What about Suze?

1004
01:03:53,996 --> 01:03:56,958
She should see what it's like
when her cave doesn't have any fire.

1005
01:03:57,959 --> 01:04:00,002
But I'm not the cavewoman.
I am still the man.

1006
01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:02,629
Let's just go.

1007
01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,808
- You're getting married!
- Hi! Hi!

1008
01:04:15,309 --> 01:04:18,980
- Hey, angel, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- That's okay. I don't care.

1009
01:04:19,063 --> 01:04:22,733
- How do I look? That's what I care about.
- How do you look? You look so beautiful.

1010
01:04:22,817 --> 01:04:23,734
- Really?
- Incredible.

1011
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:27,071
- Like slutty first Holy Communion, right?
- Yes. Exactly.

1012
01:04:27,154 --> 01:04:31,033
- Is that Golf Guy?
- No. This is Charlie, from work.

1013
01:04:31,117 --> 01:04:33,995
- Hi, Charlie from work. Nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me.

1014
01:04:47,049 --> 01:04:52,972
So, as most of you know,
I have, um, dated a lot of guys.

1015
01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:58,853
- Hear, hear. That's my girl.
- I've liked a lot of things about them.

1016
01:04:58,936 --> 01:05:01,981
Like, yeah. And then I met Mike over here,

1017
01:05:02,064 --> 01:05:05,026
and there was a lot to not like about him.

1018
01:05:07,528 --> 01:05:11,198
He, um, dresses like a stepdad,
as you can see.

1019
01:05:12,533 --> 01:05:15,536
- He listens to Creed.
- Just their old stuff.

1020
01:05:15,620 --> 01:05:18,831
- Non-ironically.
- Okay, but they are good.

1021
01:05:18,915 --> 01:05:21,792
Every single time he hears a siren,
he goes, "That's my ride."

1022
01:05:21,876 --> 01:05:24,086
This is super fun for me, by the way.

1023
01:05:25,963 --> 01:05:26,963
And yet...

1024
01:05:27,798 --> 01:05:32,803
Oh, man, I'm completely
and totally in love with him.

1025
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:39,060
When I was little, my grandmother,
she used to say:

1026
01:05:39,143 --> 01:05:42,271
"You like because, and you love despite."

1027
01:05:43,397 --> 01:05:46,359
You like someone
because of all of their qualities,

1028
01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:48,819
and you love someone
despite some of their qualities.

1029
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,405
Mikey...

1030
01:05:52,531 --> 01:05:57,203
I like you almost as much as I love you,
and I can't wait to marry you.

1031
01:06:03,834 --> 01:06:07,046
Okay, sorry. Get drunk
so I have fun stories to tell.

1032
01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:08,609
Wow, all the way to the top.

1033
01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:10,967
I don't think
we need new shot glasses.

1034
01:06:11,050 --> 01:06:11,884
Thank you.

1035
01:06:11,968 --> 01:06:13,052
- Okay.
- All right.

1036
01:06:13,135 --> 01:06:18,015
- Okay, to the last penis of my life.
- That's me. That's me, yeah.

1037
01:06:18,099 --> 01:06:19,725
- Oh, yeah.
- One, two, three.

1038
01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:22,770
That's my ride.

1039
01:06:22,853 --> 01:06:25,439
- He does do it every time.
- I know.

1040
01:06:34,073 --> 01:06:37,368
- You're so good at that.
- Oh, I'm just like Bruce Lee.

1041
01:06:38,911 --> 01:06:42,540
- I just don't even know what's going on.
- Just stop thinking.

1042
01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:46,544
Nobody cares. Let's do it.
Look at all these assholes.

1043
01:06:53,050 --> 01:06:54,719
Just imagine you're paralyzed,

1044
01:06:55,553 --> 01:06:58,639
and all of a sudden,
you get feeling back into your limbs.

1045
01:07:00,850 --> 01:07:04,645
Now you're one of those blow-up
air men outside a car dealership.

1046
01:07:05,146 --> 01:07:06,146
Yeah, that's...

1047
01:07:15,614 --> 01:07:16,614
Don't be weird.

1048
01:07:27,084 --> 01:07:31,255
- What's Rick and Kirsten's "and yet"?
- What do you mean?

1049
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:35,843
That "because, love despite" thing,
when there are all these...

1050
01:07:36,010 --> 01:07:37,010
Um...

1051
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:41,057
Like all these reasons
why it shouldn't work out...

1052
01:07:42,141 --> 01:07:44,769
but they don't care.
Like Romeo and Juliet.

1053
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,938
Our families are mortal enemies,
and yet...

1054
01:07:53,235 --> 01:07:58,032
- Rick and Kirsten don't have one.
- Well, that's good, you know? We...

1055
01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:01,202
I mean, they can't not like anything
about each other.

1056
01:08:02,620 --> 01:08:03,620
Not yet.

1057
01:08:07,583 --> 01:08:09,418
But even friendships have them.

1058
01:08:09,502 --> 01:08:12,254
Like, Becca's wild,
and she drinks too much,

1059
01:08:12,338 --> 01:08:16,884
and she's never paid a bill on time,
and yet I love her.

1060
01:08:20,012 --> 01:08:22,598
You like expensive stuff...

1061
01:08:24,141 --> 01:08:28,145
and let a 23-year-old walk all over you,
and yet you're tolerable.

1062
01:08:28,229 --> 01:08:32,566
- I do not let her walk all over me.
- I'm sorry. Where are your sunglasses?

1063
01:08:38,072 --> 01:08:41,700
You talk way too fast,
and you are way too nice to everyone...

1064
01:08:42,743 --> 01:08:45,412
except me, apparently...

1065
01:08:45,496 --> 01:08:50,835
- and yet... you are a terrible dancer.
- That's not how it works.

1066
01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:56,422
I need pizza.

1067
01:08:58,384 --> 01:09:00,845
So, like, we're clearing the air,
you know what I mean?

1068
01:09:00,928 --> 01:09:03,931
I probably had a few glasses of wine.
It was like...

1069
01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:05,432
- Hi.
- Hi.

1070
01:09:05,516 --> 01:09:07,226
- Oh, my God.
- You're drunk.

1071
01:09:07,309 --> 01:09:09,436
- What? Me?
- Yeah.

1072
01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:11,647
- You.
- It was an accident.

1073
01:09:11,730 --> 01:09:14,108
- Mm-hm
- But it was also incredibly on purpose.

1074
01:09:16,318 --> 01:09:18,904
- Angel. You're the love of my life,
- Yeah?

1075
01:09:18,988 --> 01:09:20,447
and I'm so happy for you.

1076
01:09:21,699 --> 01:09:24,493
But there's no pizza on this roof,
I have to go.

1077
01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:26,245
- Do you wanna come?
- I can't.

1078
01:09:26,328 --> 01:09:28,038
- Sure?
- I can't. But get out of here.

1079
01:09:28,539 --> 01:09:29,915
- Love you.
- Love you.

1080
01:09:30,457 --> 01:09:31,500
- Charlie?
- Huh?

1081
01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:32,792
It's time to go.

1082
01:09:34,503 --> 01:09:38,549
- Oh, man. Keep it real, though.
- Miss you already.

1083
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:44,680
- Where do you want these?
- Oh, you can just put them on the table.

1084
01:09:51,896 --> 01:09:55,941
- You are gonna let the smell out.
- I wish that box was my bed.

1085
01:09:57,860 --> 01:10:00,321
I know this is not gonna sound
how I mean it to sound.

1086
01:10:02,781 --> 01:10:05,409
- I wanna fuck this pizza.
- I get it.

1087
01:10:06,118 --> 01:10:08,245
You should never say that to anyone.

1088
01:10:09,079 --> 01:10:10,079
But I get it.

1089
01:10:15,586 --> 01:10:19,381
I'm sorry.
Duncan's playing Third Eye Blind in there.

1090
01:10:19,465 --> 01:10:22,384
- What does that mean?
- He's hooking up with a guy.

1091
01:10:23,135 --> 01:10:24,678
Duncan is gay?

1092
01:10:25,137 --> 01:10:26,137
What?

1093
01:10:26,513 --> 01:10:28,390
I'm kidding.

1094
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:29,892
We cannot interrupt him.

1095
01:10:29,975 --> 01:10:31,810
Do you know how athletic I was?

1096
01:10:34,396 --> 01:10:35,396
Impressed yet?

1097
01:10:36,815 --> 01:10:37,900
I'm so hungry.

1098
01:10:38,609 --> 01:10:39,609
Too hungry.

1099
01:10:40,444 --> 01:10:41,570
Oh, God. Nope.

1100
01:10:41,654 --> 01:10:43,364
- Do you need some help?
- Yeah.

1101
01:10:48,285 --> 01:10:51,956
- Give me the pizza.
- No. I'm gonna take it up to the top.

1102
01:10:52,039 --> 01:10:54,458
Absolutely not, your hands
are too small. Ah!

1103
01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:56,418
- Charlie.
- I'll hold it in one hand.

1104
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:59,255
I'm gonna move my way up this ladder
like a monkey. Stop.

1105
01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:01,173
Stop. I got this.

1106
01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:04,343
- All right.
- Oh, my God.

1107
01:11:04,426 --> 01:11:07,805
Stop. Keep the top up.
Otherwise the cheese will slide.

1108
01:11:07,888 --> 01:11:10,140
Please don't drop my pizza.

1109
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:14,061
- What? Just stop making me laugh.
- I'm serious.

1110
01:11:14,144 --> 01:11:16,730
- Stop making me laugh.
- I'm not trying to. I mean it.

1111
01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:19,692
- Okay?
- It is in my possession. I got this.

1112
01:11:21,443 --> 01:11:23,529
- Oh, are you okay?
- I'm fine.

1113
01:11:23,696 --> 01:11:25,739
No, I'm talking to my pizza.

1114
01:11:30,035 --> 01:11:31,078
Parkour.

1115
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:37,418
This is the dining room.

1116
01:11:39,211 --> 01:11:40,211
Careful.

1117
01:11:44,174 --> 01:11:47,720
One, two, three.

1118
01:11:50,264 --> 01:11:51,264
Yes.

1119
01:11:54,518 --> 01:11:56,520
- Thank God.
- That looks so good.

1120
01:11:57,146 --> 01:11:58,146
Just choose it.

1121
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:10,159
Wow.

1122
01:12:19,835 --> 01:12:21,795
This is the best meal I've had...

1123
01:12:25,132 --> 01:12:26,592
in my entire life.

1124
01:12:43,609 --> 01:12:44,985
I should probably go...

1125
01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:46,694
home.

1126
01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:55,203
Slice for the road?

1127
01:12:57,122 --> 01:12:58,122
Two, please.

1128
01:12:58,874 --> 01:13:00,501
But roll it crust-side-out.

1129
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:02,668
I'm a lady.

1130
01:13:57,683 --> 01:13:58,683
Hey.

1131
01:13:59,435 --> 01:14:00,435
Hi.

1132
01:14:03,147 --> 01:14:06,275
- What are you doing here?
- You two, in my office, now.

1133
01:14:12,739 --> 01:14:13,824
Charlie,

1134
01:14:13,907 --> 01:14:14,950
this is Kirsten.

1135
01:14:15,033 --> 01:14:17,703
- Kirsten's assistant, Helga.
- Harper.

1136
01:14:19,830 --> 01:14:20,830
Hello.

1137
01:14:23,208 --> 01:14:26,753
You two should get to know each other
because Kirsten and I,

1138
01:14:26,962 --> 01:14:28,297
we're getting married.

1139
01:14:29,715 --> 01:14:30,549
Wow.

1140
01:14:30,632 --> 01:14:32,092
- Really?
- That's great.

1141
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:33,468
Amazing.

1142
01:14:34,303 --> 01:14:35,512
Wonderful.

1143
01:14:35,596 --> 01:14:38,307
We're flying to St. John's,
we're gonna elope on the beach,

1144
01:14:38,390 --> 01:14:42,603
sunsets, all that romantic shit.
We want you two to set it up.

1145
01:14:42,978 --> 01:14:46,231
Us. Of course.
Obviously, because who else would do it?

1146
01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:48,734
- We can do that.
- Sunset, St. John's.

1147
01:14:48,817 --> 01:14:50,944
How come you're not writing this down
like Henrietta?

1148
01:14:51,028 --> 01:14:52,488
- What's going on?
- Oh. Um...

1149
01:14:52,571 --> 01:14:53,947
We can make that happen.

1150
01:14:54,031 --> 01:14:56,241
- When do you wanna go?
- Next Saturday.

1151
01:14:56,700 --> 01:14:57,868
Next Saturday?

1152
01:14:58,452 --> 01:14:59,912
That's so soon.

1153
01:14:59,995 --> 01:15:03,123
I'm gonna be gone for so long,
there's gonna be little to do.

1154
01:15:03,207 --> 01:15:05,459
This is a good time to prep that draft

1155
01:15:05,542 --> 01:15:08,086
on the nonagenarians
you were talking about.

1156
01:15:08,170 --> 01:15:10,464
Yes, please. That would be...

1157
01:15:11,215 --> 01:15:12,508
wonderful.

1158
01:15:13,050 --> 01:15:16,053
- Okay.
- And, Charlie, I'm giving you a promotion.

1159
01:15:17,387 --> 01:15:18,222
What?

1160
01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:19,556
So, when we get back,

1161
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:22,309
you can teach the new bastard
for a few weeks,

1162
01:15:22,392 --> 01:15:25,020
- and bring him up to your level.
- Absolutely.

1163
01:15:25,562 --> 01:15:26,562
Okay.

1164
01:15:28,357 --> 01:15:30,817
- We'll make this legal.
- You're ridiculous.

1165
01:15:30,901 --> 01:15:32,319
Give me some of that.

1166
01:15:32,402 --> 01:15:34,363
Now? Are you still here?

1167
01:15:34,446 --> 01:15:35,446
Yeah.

1168
01:15:40,994 --> 01:15:42,079
Oh, my God.

1169
01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:49,670
All right.
We can work from the District Club today.

1170
01:15:49,753 --> 01:15:50,753
Sir.

1171
01:15:55,384 --> 01:15:58,595
I wanna throw a big party to celebrate,
um, when we're back.

1172
01:15:58,679 --> 01:16:00,305
Invite all the usual girls.

1173
01:16:00,389 --> 01:16:04,685
Maybe we should have a party before
the wedding. What's on my agenda?

1174
01:16:04,768 --> 01:16:07,396
You have Mary's baby shower,
but I canceled that for you.

1175
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:09,356
- I'll go to that now.
- You will?

1176
01:16:09,439 --> 01:16:11,900
I'll finally have something
they'll wanna talk about.

1177
01:16:14,361 --> 01:16:15,571
Have a seat, Harper.

1178
01:16:15,946 --> 01:16:19,199
You and...? Okay.
All right. Sorry.

1179
01:16:19,283 --> 01:16:21,118
I'm gonna give you some advice.

1180
01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:26,331
Men don't wanna date you
when you're beating them to a story.

1181
01:16:26,748 --> 01:16:29,585
But I have met someone
who wants me to be strong.

1182
01:16:29,668 --> 01:16:33,005
And he likes that I'm successful.
He's a goddamn unicorn.

1183
01:16:34,798 --> 01:16:36,508
I don't know. It feels like fate.

1184
01:16:38,051 --> 01:16:40,012
- I know that I've been cunty.
- You haven't.

1185
01:16:40,304 --> 01:16:42,889
- Don't be those women that can't say cunt.
- I am not.

1186
01:16:45,726 --> 01:16:48,228
I know I've been cunty.
It's partly because you're young

1187
01:16:48,312 --> 01:16:51,106
and your skin bounces back,
and it annoys me, but...

1188
01:16:51,356 --> 01:16:53,150
it's because I want you to succeed.

1189
01:16:55,027 --> 01:16:56,695
What do you mean?

1190
01:16:57,195 --> 01:16:59,281
I see so much potential in you.

1191
01:16:59,823 --> 01:17:01,950
But you have to have tough skin.

1192
01:17:02,034 --> 01:17:06,872
So, if I'm the most awful person when this
shitstorm of an industry is hard on you,

1193
01:17:06,955 --> 01:17:08,790
I know that you'll be prepared.

1194
01:17:10,000 --> 01:17:13,003
MyChef Series A is gonna be
such a disaster.

1195
01:17:13,503 --> 01:17:16,006
We're so smart we didn't invest with them.

1196
01:17:16,214 --> 01:17:17,758
Don't forget to tell Kiki.

1197
01:17:18,216 --> 01:17:21,011
- About MyChef?
- No, dummy. About the wedding.

1198
01:17:21,219 --> 01:17:23,430
And the date. Six weeks before hers.

1199
01:17:23,513 --> 01:17:24,513
Is she invited?

1200
01:17:25,140 --> 01:17:28,477
Send her a big bouquet of daisies.
She hates daisies.

1201
01:17:28,560 --> 01:17:30,103
With a note that says, "Ha, ha.

1202
01:17:30,979 --> 01:17:34,107
I'm gonna beat you to the altar.
But tonight, we're gonna knock boots

1203
01:17:34,191 --> 01:17:35,942
like we did on that Swiss gondola."

1204
01:17:36,026 --> 01:17:37,444
- And, obviously,
- Um, what?

1205
01:17:37,527 --> 01:17:40,489
Tell Kirsten I have a meeting
or something tonight.

1206
01:17:43,283 --> 01:17:45,619
Well... I just thought, uh...

1207
01:17:46,703 --> 01:17:49,039
I thought you were gonna marry Kirsten.

1208
01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:53,335
Yeah, I am. Which reminds me.
This week, go to a ring spot

1209
01:17:53,418 --> 01:17:56,171
and get a ring so big,
you can see that shit from space.

1210
01:17:58,548 --> 01:17:59,800
Food here sucks.

1211
01:18:03,804 --> 01:18:05,305
Charlie, you did it.

1212
01:18:06,223 --> 01:18:07,641
What? Well, I didn't.

1213
01:18:08,016 --> 01:18:09,643
I did it. We both did it.

1214
01:18:09,893 --> 01:18:11,436
What are we talking about?

1215
01:18:12,896 --> 01:18:17,442
I know this started out selfishly for us,
but we made two people fall in love.

1216
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:20,028
We made two miserable people happy.

1217
01:18:20,654 --> 01:18:23,532
I thought best-case,
they'd date for a month.

1218
01:18:23,740 --> 01:18:27,703
But they actually really like each other.
We changed their lives.

1219
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:32,666
I'm proud of us.
I think we did something really good.

1220
01:18:34,501 --> 01:18:35,501
Me, too.

1221
01:18:36,253 --> 01:18:38,755
So, I was looking at
the, uh, Caneel Bay Resort.

1222
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,341
They have a, uh, slot next Saturday.

1223
01:18:50,308 --> 01:18:52,686
Will you come help me pick out the ring?

1224
01:18:52,894 --> 01:18:55,772
Absolutely not. I gotta go to the office,
drop off these things.

1225
01:18:56,231 --> 01:18:58,650
Please? You're better at this than me.

1226
01:18:58,734 --> 01:19:01,862
I need female expertise.
You know what Kirsten likes.

1227
01:19:01,945 --> 01:19:04,781
You're beautiful.
You're charming. You are witty.

1228
01:19:04,865 --> 01:19:06,908
- You are clever...
- Okay, fine.

1229
01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:09,411
Yes! Great.
If you're going back to the office,

1230
01:19:09,494 --> 01:19:12,122
can you grab Rick's personal Amex
on my desk?

1231
01:19:14,791 --> 01:19:18,378
You gotta warn me if you're gonna
send me photos like that when I'm at work.

1232
01:19:21,757 --> 01:19:24,634
Oh, no, no. Of course I want them.

1233
01:19:25,427 --> 01:19:28,638
I don't wanna show them
to a bunch of Japanese bankers.

1234
01:19:36,772 --> 01:19:39,733
Okay.
Tonight, you need to wear that red dress.

1235
01:19:40,734 --> 01:19:43,111
Because you look so hot in that dress.

1236
01:19:43,195 --> 01:19:44,780
I can't concentrate.

1237
01:19:45,906 --> 01:19:50,160
Good. I don't work this hard on
this body for it not to be a distraction.

1238
01:19:50,243 --> 01:19:52,829
We're not married anymore.
You can't tell me what to wear.

1239
01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,956
Can we try that thing we did
on our honeymoon?

1240
01:20:00,253 --> 01:20:03,298
- You think you could see this from space?
- Yes.

1241
01:20:03,381 --> 01:20:05,550
- Hi.
- Oh, is this the lucky lady?

1242
01:20:06,134 --> 01:20:08,553
How do you think Kirsten feels
about blood diamonds?

1243
01:20:08,637 --> 01:20:09,679
Uh...

1244
01:20:10,388 --> 01:20:13,308
Here. It was so weird when I got the card.

1245
01:20:14,351 --> 01:20:16,561
I heard Rick flirting
with somebody on the phone.

1246
01:20:17,270 --> 01:20:20,857
I think Kirsten's in a meeting.
What do you think that was?

1247
01:20:21,274 --> 01:20:23,360
I... What I think it probably was,

1248
01:20:23,443 --> 01:20:27,906
he likes to leave like a super-sexy
little voicemail for her to listen to.

1249
01:20:28,323 --> 01:20:29,449
And hear later.

1250
01:20:29,699 --> 01:20:30,826
- I...
- Yes.

1251
01:20:30,909 --> 01:20:33,578
think Kirsten likes topaz.
Do you think she likes topaz?

1252
01:20:33,662 --> 01:20:35,789
Sure. Do you think Kiki likes topaz?

1253
01:20:35,872 --> 01:20:38,312
She didn't mention it
when she and Rick were having phone sex.

1254
01:20:41,211 --> 01:20:44,089
- You tricked me. That was entrapment.
- You just admitted it.

1255
01:20:44,422 --> 01:20:47,926
- You lied to me. You knew.
- It's one time. It was a mistake.

1256
01:20:48,009 --> 01:20:50,262
- Doesn't mean anything.
- After everything we did...

1257
01:20:50,345 --> 01:20:53,849
He's confused. He just needed to get it
out of his system before the wedding.

1258
01:20:55,350 --> 01:20:57,769
The wedding?
They can't still get married, Charlie.

1259
01:20:58,019 --> 01:21:01,565
Oh, this is for a wedding.
I actually have a great selection.

1260
01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:03,024
We need one minute. Thank you.

1261
01:21:03,108 --> 01:21:07,070
Harper, we can keep this from her.
We control their phones, e-mails.

1262
01:21:07,445 --> 01:21:09,765
We're the men behind the curtain.
She doesn't have to know.

1263
01:21:13,118 --> 01:21:14,995
You wanna help Rick cheat on Kirsten?

1264
01:21:15,662 --> 01:21:18,498
We have faked their entire relationship.

1265
01:21:18,790 --> 01:21:23,169
Now one thing goes wrong, it's a crime
to suddenly work behind the scenes?

1266
01:21:25,255 --> 01:21:26,255
No.

1267
01:21:28,216 --> 01:21:29,467
It was never okay.

1268
01:21:31,094 --> 01:21:34,764
But now you're willing...
to ruin somebody's life

1269
01:21:35,682 --> 01:21:38,268
just so you can keep dating
some boring girl

1270
01:21:38,351 --> 01:21:40,812
and work longer hours
in a job that does not matter.

1271
01:21:41,021 --> 01:21:43,023
Whose life am I ruining? Theirs?

1272
01:21:43,106 --> 01:21:46,109
- They had no lives. We gave them lives.
- Oh, my God.

1273
01:21:48,403 --> 01:21:50,572
You're worse than Rick.

1274
01:21:51,448 --> 01:21:55,410
Rick is... He's a selfish,
superficial asshole, but he can't help it.

1275
01:21:55,952 --> 01:21:59,956
You could be a good person,
but you wanna be an asshole.

1276
01:22:00,081 --> 01:22:03,376
You're so obsessed with getting promoted

1277
01:22:03,460 --> 01:22:06,796
and becoming Rick.
You're choosing to be a piece of shit.

1278
01:22:06,880 --> 01:22:08,882
Stop pretending
this is some moral dilemma.

1279
01:22:08,965 --> 01:22:11,676
You are afraid
not to be an assistant anymore.

1280
01:22:11,968 --> 01:22:13,261
That's ridiculous.

1281
01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:15,597
Have you written anything
with all this free time?

1282
01:22:15,847 --> 01:22:18,934
Anything? You finish one article
or you just keep planning to?

1283
01:22:19,601 --> 01:22:22,437
I think you'd rather run around,
getting coffee than sit down,

1284
01:22:22,520 --> 01:22:24,522
write something and find out you suck.

1285
01:22:32,948 --> 01:22:34,157
I'm telling Kirsten.

1286
01:22:37,661 --> 01:22:38,661
The whole truth.

1287
01:22:41,623 --> 01:22:42,623
All of it.

1288
01:22:46,002 --> 01:22:47,002
Harper.

1289
01:22:51,299 --> 01:22:54,344
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
That was the...

1290
01:22:54,427 --> 01:22:57,055
You're not under arrest.
Put your hands down.

1291
01:22:57,138 --> 01:23:00,350
We need to get the ring off.
This happens all the time.

1292
01:23:00,433 --> 01:23:04,354
Not the part where you two collaborate
to, like, trick your bosses

1293
01:23:04,437 --> 01:23:07,524
into dating and then it blows...
I wasn't listening.

1294
01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:16,866
- Anyone for cake?
- I'll try one.

1295
01:23:26,209 --> 01:23:27,210
Hey.

1296
01:23:28,878 --> 01:23:30,797
Uh, I'm sorry to just show up.

1297
01:23:30,880 --> 01:23:33,883
- You forgot this.
- Thanks. Honestly, you saved me.

1298
01:23:33,967 --> 01:23:35,885
If I have to hear another woman talk about

1299
01:23:35,969 --> 01:23:39,806
how much her nipples changed
since giving birth, I'll kill myself.

1300
01:23:39,889 --> 01:23:41,307
I swear to God, Harper.

1301
01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:44,686
I walked in here with a fiancé,
and suddenly, I'm a member of a club.

1302
01:23:44,769 --> 01:23:46,438
They wanna talk about having kids.

1303
01:23:46,521 --> 01:23:50,442
- First, I have to be a stepmother.
- I don't think you should be a stepmother.

1304
01:23:50,525 --> 01:23:53,528
I don't think you should marry Rick
because you don't actually like him.

1305
01:23:54,446 --> 01:23:57,157
- Of course I do. I love him.
- No, you don't.

1306
01:23:59,617 --> 01:24:02,162
This whole thing,
your whole relationship, it's not real.

1307
01:24:02,537 --> 01:24:03,830
What are you talking about?

1308
01:24:04,539 --> 01:24:07,667
- Rick's assistant and I set you up.
- No, you didn't.

1309
01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:11,671
We shut down the elevator so you'd meet.
The Yankees game,

1310
01:24:11,755 --> 01:24:15,008
I got you on the Kiss Cam.
And when you guys broke up...

1311
01:24:15,925 --> 01:24:17,343
we told him what to say.

1312
01:24:18,678 --> 01:24:22,307
Nantucket, the flowers, that was us.
We made you think you liked each other.

1313
01:24:22,390 --> 01:24:25,810
You don't know this guy. You don't like
him. What you feel for him, it's not real.

1314
01:24:27,353 --> 01:24:29,147
You have no idea what is real.

1315
01:24:29,230 --> 01:24:31,733
You think you understand the intimacy
of a relationship?

1316
01:24:31,816 --> 01:24:33,902
You're 25. I don't care how it started.

1317
01:24:33,985 --> 01:24:35,945
- He doesn't see you. He...
- Stop...

1318
01:24:37,655 --> 01:24:38,655
talking.

1319
01:24:42,285 --> 01:24:43,285
You're fired.

1320
01:24:44,287 --> 01:24:45,287
What?

1321
01:24:46,623 --> 01:24:47,623
Get out.

1322
01:24:55,340 --> 01:24:56,340
Tickets booked?

1323
01:24:56,716 --> 01:24:58,551
Uh... Yeah. Yes.

1324
01:24:59,219 --> 01:25:00,219
They are.

1325
01:25:00,512 --> 01:25:01,554
For the wedding.

1326
01:25:02,055 --> 01:25:03,055
Cool.

1327
01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:12,708
- Kirsten Stevens' office.
- You don't wanna talk,

1328
01:25:12,732 --> 01:25:14,526
- but hear me out.
- Who is this?

1329
01:25:15,693 --> 01:25:16,528
Harper?

1330
01:25:16,611 --> 01:25:19,155
I'm covering Kirsten's desk.
Can I help you?

1331
01:25:23,701 --> 01:25:24,701
No.

1332
01:25:25,662 --> 01:25:26,662
Thank you.

1333
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:49,227
Coming to drinks later?

1334
01:25:57,235 --> 01:25:59,112
We thought the market cap was overvalued.

1335
01:25:59,195 --> 01:26:01,865
We looked at college towns,
and surprisingly...

1336
01:26:03,366 --> 01:26:05,743
You gotta be better.

1337
01:26:10,039 --> 01:26:11,749
This is not working.

1338
01:26:23,344 --> 01:26:27,182
Mom, it turns out touring wedding venues
is so much more fun than touring colleges,

1339
01:26:27,265 --> 01:26:30,727
because of all the free food
and booze out...

1340
01:26:30,810 --> 01:26:32,562
Oh, I gotta call you back.

1341
01:26:32,812 --> 01:26:34,147
Oh, my God.

1342
01:26:34,230 --> 01:26:36,816
It is like a tornado hit a Chinese...

1343
01:26:36,900 --> 01:26:38,735
Hey, are you okay?

1344
01:26:38,818 --> 01:26:41,446
Why are you not at work? Harper.

1345
01:26:43,114 --> 01:26:44,741
Because I got fired.

1346
01:26:46,075 --> 01:26:47,075
Really?

1347
01:26:47,911 --> 01:26:49,495
That's amazing.

1348
01:26:49,579 --> 01:26:51,122
Congratulations.

1349
01:26:51,581 --> 01:26:52,581
Right?

1350
01:26:54,834 --> 01:26:55,834
Are you okay?

1351
01:26:58,213 --> 01:26:59,839
I spent so much time there.

1352
01:27:00,215 --> 01:27:02,300
And I never wrote a single article.

1353
01:27:03,551 --> 01:27:05,220
Now Kirsten hates me.

1354
01:27:05,720 --> 01:27:08,306
And she'll never help me.

1355
01:27:10,016 --> 01:27:13,645
I'm bad at this.
I've been trying to write the same article

1356
01:27:13,728 --> 01:27:15,897
for months, Becca.

1357
01:27:16,105 --> 01:27:18,233
And it's so bad I can't finish it.

1358
01:27:26,658 --> 01:27:27,492
Ow!

1359
01:27:27,575 --> 01:27:29,577
Of course
your first draft is gonna be bad.

1360
01:27:29,661 --> 01:27:32,247
It's gonna be terrible.
Then you know what you do, Harper?

1361
01:27:32,330 --> 01:27:34,415
You go back and you make it better.

1362
01:27:34,499 --> 01:27:37,919
But you can't make it better
until you actually do it.

1363
01:27:38,002 --> 01:27:41,798
You're not a bad writer yet.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself

1364
01:27:41,881 --> 01:27:43,633
and just write something bad.

1365
01:27:43,967 --> 01:27:47,804
Yes, Kirsten was mean.
But you learned so much from her.

1366
01:27:47,887 --> 01:27:50,139
You just never had the time to use it.

1367
01:27:50,890 --> 01:27:53,935
And now, bud, you got the time.

1368
01:27:54,018 --> 01:27:57,230
So, get off your bony little ass
and just do it!

1369
01:27:57,313 --> 01:27:58,815
- Okay.
- Okay.

1370
01:27:59,649 --> 01:28:00,733
I'm gonna write...

1371
01:28:01,651 --> 01:28:04,487
the shittiest article ever written.

1372
01:28:04,570 --> 01:28:06,864
Yes. It's gonna suck ass.
I can't wait to read it.

1373
01:28:06,948 --> 01:28:09,242
Okay. I got this.

1374
01:28:09,325 --> 01:28:11,327
Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay.

1375
01:28:12,287 --> 01:28:14,622
Are you cleaning this up?
Are we gonna hire someone?

1376
01:28:18,835 --> 01:28:22,338
I am not leaving this chair
until I write an entire article.

1377
01:28:23,256 --> 01:28:27,427
- Great. That's great news for me.
- Can I get some free chips and water?

1378
01:28:30,888 --> 01:28:32,557
I always wanted to eat here.

1379
01:28:33,016 --> 01:28:36,561
This is where Kim
threw Kanye's half-birthday party.

1380
01:28:37,103 --> 01:28:38,438
Our best table.

1381
01:28:45,278 --> 01:28:46,696
This is exciting.

1382
01:28:55,371 --> 01:28:56,414
Mm.

1383
01:28:58,041 --> 01:28:59,041
Oh, my God.

1384
01:29:00,043 --> 01:29:03,129
This is the best meal I've ever had.

1385
01:29:10,762 --> 01:29:14,474
The best meal I ever had
was a $5 pizza thrown up a fire escape.

1386
01:29:16,476 --> 01:29:17,476
What?

1387
01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:22,606
This sucks.

1388
01:29:23,775 --> 01:29:25,151
This whole place sucks.

1389
01:29:26,402 --> 01:29:28,946
It smells weird. It's far too quiet.

1390
01:29:29,447 --> 01:29:32,492
And this steak is delicious.
It is not worth $70.

1391
01:29:32,950 --> 01:29:36,371
And you and I,
we never talk about anything.

1392
01:29:40,374 --> 01:29:43,544
I don't want to wanna be an asshole.

1393
01:29:44,504 --> 01:29:46,047
You sound insane.

1394
01:29:47,256 --> 01:29:48,466
Just eat your steak.

1395
01:29:53,262 --> 01:29:56,516
If my 15-year-old self would see me now,
he would punch me in the dick.

1396
01:29:58,935 --> 01:30:00,770
I don't wanna do this anymore, Suze.

1397
01:30:01,562 --> 01:30:03,022
But you're my backup.

1398
01:30:04,524 --> 01:30:05,524
Mm.

1399
01:30:09,946 --> 01:30:10,946
You know what?

1400
01:30:11,739 --> 01:30:14,075
Order whatever you want, on me.

1401
01:30:17,161 --> 01:30:20,039
What am I doing? You're not
my girlfriend anymore. Give me that.

1402
01:30:20,123 --> 01:30:21,332
I'm not Rockefeller.

1403
01:30:33,344 --> 01:30:35,346
Harper. You were right.

1404
01:30:35,805 --> 01:30:38,474
We can't let them do this.
I'm going to JFK.

1405
01:30:38,724 --> 01:30:40,143
Meet me at the terminal.

1406
01:30:40,977 --> 01:30:42,145
It's the cheap one.

1407
01:30:43,396 --> 01:30:45,439
Don't have time. Leaving the coat.

1408
01:30:45,982 --> 01:30:48,985
I need a taxi.
I gotta get to the airport right now.

1409
01:30:49,068 --> 01:30:52,655
I gotta stop someone from getting married.
Flight leaves in... Oh.

1410
01:30:53,197 --> 01:30:54,615
I got, like, four hours.

1411
01:30:55,324 --> 01:30:58,911
And we've been to Times Square. What about
museums? Should we go to the Met?

1412
01:30:58,995 --> 01:31:02,748
Do you like beautiful art that makes you
re-examine what it means to be human?

1413
01:31:03,040 --> 01:31:05,126
- Yeah.
- Then, yeah. The Met's worth it.

1414
01:31:05,209 --> 01:31:08,713
In fact, it may still be open
if you go right... Oh, my God.

1415
01:31:08,796 --> 01:31:10,756
I did the over-dick-around thing.

1416
01:31:16,012 --> 01:31:17,012
Sorry.

1417
01:31:20,975 --> 01:31:21,975
Rick?

1418
01:31:25,938 --> 01:31:28,065
Hey. Did I forget something?

1419
01:31:28,691 --> 01:31:30,818
Yeah. That you're a bastard.

1420
01:31:33,237 --> 01:31:35,781
I don't wanna be like you.
I'm not gonna be.

1421
01:31:36,949 --> 01:31:39,035
I don't want the promotion. I quit.

1422
01:31:41,078 --> 01:31:42,078
Okay.

1423
01:31:42,538 --> 01:31:44,582
Kirsten? Don't marry him.

1424
01:31:46,292 --> 01:31:49,670
Do it, honey. Go with the young guy.

1425
01:31:52,215 --> 01:31:53,299
Oh, no. No, no.

1426
01:31:53,382 --> 01:31:55,885
I mean, she's a very handsome woman.
Just...

1427
01:31:56,010 --> 01:31:59,388
- Not what's going on here.
- Charlie. You're fired as fuck.

1428
01:31:59,472 --> 01:32:01,349
I literally just quit.

1429
01:32:01,974 --> 01:32:04,310
Kirsten, I know you don't know me,
but I know you,

1430
01:32:04,393 --> 01:32:06,479
because all Harper does is talk about you.

1431
01:32:07,146 --> 01:32:10,524
And even when she's complaining about you,
she's really complimenting you.

1432
01:32:10,858 --> 01:32:13,277
I know how hard you work
and what a badass you are,

1433
01:32:13,361 --> 01:32:17,657
and I know you don't put up with any shit.
So, don't put up with his.

1434
01:32:18,991 --> 01:32:22,620
I don't know what you think you're getting
out of this, but you deserve better.

1435
01:32:23,246 --> 01:32:24,246
You are better.

1436
01:32:26,457 --> 01:32:29,460
Oh, my God. Gave myself goose bumps.

1437
01:32:29,710 --> 01:32:31,420
He's crazy. You realize that?

1438
01:32:32,296 --> 01:32:33,296
Hmm?

1439
01:32:36,634 --> 01:32:37,843
What's my favorite food?

1440
01:32:39,971 --> 01:32:42,348
Your favorite... It's steak tartare.

1441
01:32:43,099 --> 01:32:45,351
It's green curry, you douche-tard.

1442
01:32:45,434 --> 01:32:48,771
She likes it medium-spicy
from Thai Leaf on Broadway.

1443
01:32:49,897 --> 01:32:51,399
What's my favorite place?

1444
01:32:52,525 --> 01:32:54,402
Kiki, I ca...

1445
01:32:54,485 --> 01:32:55,653
This is ridiculous.

1446
01:32:56,112 --> 01:32:57,112
Why are we...?

1447
01:32:57,989 --> 01:32:58,989
Kirsten.

1448
01:33:00,241 --> 01:33:01,492
Your name is Kirsten.

1449
01:33:02,410 --> 01:33:04,912
Squam Lake, New Hampshire,
you douche-tard.

1450
01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:08,332
Charlie,
I know you're no longer his assistant,

1451
01:33:08,416 --> 01:33:10,960
but could you please strike "wedding"
from his calendar?

1452
01:33:11,335 --> 01:33:12,670
Absolutely.

1453
01:33:13,713 --> 01:33:15,047
Are you being serious?

1454
01:33:16,340 --> 01:33:18,175
No. Kiki's short for Kirsten.

1455
01:33:38,779 --> 01:33:39,779
I finished.

1456
01:33:41,574 --> 01:33:42,658
I finished.

1457
01:33:43,701 --> 01:33:44,785
The whole article.

1458
01:33:45,828 --> 01:33:47,413
I finished it.

1459
01:33:47,496 --> 01:33:49,332
From beginning to end.

1460
01:33:50,583 --> 01:33:53,085
I finished it. I finished the whole thing.

1461
01:33:53,169 --> 01:33:55,463
You, sir, are a hero and scholar,

1462
01:33:55,546 --> 01:33:58,883
and are about to receive the greatest tip
in the history of the service industry.

1463
01:34:02,178 --> 01:34:05,264
Technically, I don't have my wallet on me.
Tomorrow...

1464
01:34:05,348 --> 01:34:07,350
Leave this place and never return.

1465
01:34:11,562 --> 01:34:12,772
I did it.

1466
01:34:19,320 --> 01:34:20,320
Hey.

1467
01:34:20,696 --> 01:34:22,907
- What do you want?
- You live here?

1468
01:34:24,867 --> 01:34:25,993
It's disgusting.

1469
01:34:26,702 --> 01:34:28,245
Hold up. Hold up, hold up.

1470
01:34:28,621 --> 01:34:29,872
I'm sorry. I just...

1471
01:34:29,955 --> 01:34:30,955
I, uh...

1472
01:34:31,624 --> 01:34:34,960
I need some information on, uh, my wife.
My ex-wife.

1473
01:34:35,294 --> 01:34:36,294
Like what?

1474
01:34:37,213 --> 01:34:38,297
Uh...

1475
01:34:38,589 --> 01:34:41,717
I got some written down here.
Uh, assorted favorites,

1476
01:34:41,801 --> 01:34:43,844
as in, uh, favorite foods,

1477
01:34:43,928 --> 01:34:47,014
- flowers, clothing...
- Are you serious?

1478
01:34:47,723 --> 01:34:51,477
Look, I realize I should know this.
But you used to do all this stuff for me.

1479
01:34:56,190 --> 01:34:57,316
I want her back.

1480
01:35:00,611 --> 01:35:02,029
I have an old Kiki file.

1481
01:35:02,988 --> 01:35:04,573
I'll send it over to you.

1482
01:35:05,741 --> 01:35:06,992
Thank you. Thank you.

1483
01:35:07,493 --> 01:35:08,536
- Yeah.
- Thank you.

1484
01:35:09,245 --> 01:35:11,372
- I really appreciate this.
- Rick.

1485
01:35:11,831 --> 01:35:13,999
- You still work for this guy?
- Nope.

1486
01:35:16,961 --> 01:35:19,088
It's soy. Nice seeing you, Rick.

1487
01:35:21,048 --> 01:35:22,048
Bye, Rick.

1488
01:35:39,024 --> 01:35:40,151
- Hi.
- Oh.

1489
01:35:40,860 --> 01:35:42,194
Thank God you're here.

1490
01:35:42,278 --> 01:35:45,823
I can't find that piece
on lesbian soccer players in Nigeria.

1491
01:35:46,407 --> 01:35:48,492
Probably in your "deleted" folder.

1492
01:35:48,576 --> 01:35:50,828
- I can't find Julie's number.
- You made me change it

1493
01:35:50,911 --> 01:35:53,414
- to Satan in your contacts.
- Come back to work.

1494
01:35:54,081 --> 01:35:54,915
What?

1495
01:35:54,999 --> 01:35:59,003
You crossed every line ever.
I genuinely considered setting you up

1496
01:35:59,086 --> 01:36:01,714
for white-collar crime
and just letting you rot in jail.

1497
01:36:04,008 --> 01:36:06,635
But I understand in some ways
what you were trying to do.

1498
01:36:06,719 --> 01:36:08,846
You're not an unintelligent person.

1499
01:36:09,054 --> 01:36:12,266
I don't know how you did all this.
This place is falling apart without you.

1500
01:36:16,145 --> 01:36:17,897
Come back and do it with me.

1501
01:36:19,148 --> 01:36:20,858
I learned so much from you.

1502
01:36:23,277 --> 01:36:24,277
You're my hero.

1503
01:36:28,699 --> 01:36:33,412
But if I wanna actually be a writer, I
have to stop making excuses not to write.

1504
01:36:35,664 --> 01:36:37,458
So, I can't be your assistant.

1505
01:36:38,834 --> 01:36:40,434
But I'd love to help you find a new one.

1506
01:36:42,671 --> 01:36:43,797
You're fired again.

1507
01:36:44,215 --> 01:36:47,843
- I have to get my stuff. This is awkward.
- Have you written anything?

1508
01:36:48,385 --> 01:36:50,888
Have I written anything? Yes.
I have written something.

1509
01:36:50,971 --> 01:36:53,265
It's just... It's right here.

1510
01:36:54,225 --> 01:36:55,434
Let's go over it.

1511
01:36:56,101 --> 01:36:59,438
- Tell me something I don't know.
- Okay.

1512
01:37:02,483 --> 01:37:05,319
- "Twilight Champions."
- Yeah, but that title is...

1513
01:37:05,402 --> 01:37:09,323
- No, I like it. I love the title.
- I like it, too. I could like it.

1514
01:37:09,406 --> 01:37:11,742
This is about the geriatric Olympiads?

1515
01:37:12,493 --> 01:37:14,787
If I spend too much time
on Gilda in the beginning,

1516
01:37:14,870 --> 01:37:18,582
people will know that she's gonna die.
Let her death be a twist.

1517
01:37:19,166 --> 01:37:21,877
Hold off until
after Harry wins his first med...

1518
01:37:49,113 --> 01:37:50,113
Hi.

1519
01:37:50,906 --> 01:37:51,906
Hi.

1520
01:37:54,326 --> 01:37:56,036
So, what are you doing here?

1521
01:37:56,120 --> 01:37:59,540
Oh, Kirsten told me to meet her.
What are you doing here?

1522
01:38:02,001 --> 01:38:03,877
Oh, my God.

1523
01:38:05,838 --> 01:38:07,506
- She Cyrano'd us.
- Yes, she...

1524
01:38:08,215 --> 01:38:10,718
I Googled it.
So, I know what it means now.

1525
01:38:13,971 --> 01:38:15,264
Why are you dressed like that?

1526
01:38:16,307 --> 01:38:19,268
I don't work here anymore.
I quit working for Rick.

1527
01:38:21,186 --> 01:38:23,355
Starting over. At 28.

1528
01:38:24,481 --> 01:38:27,651
Actually, I'm a temp,
which is technically lower

1529
01:38:27,735 --> 01:38:31,989
on the totem pole than an assistant,
which is kind of a kick in the nuts.

1530
01:38:33,490 --> 01:38:38,245
But it's, um, kind of cool.
I get to see a bunch of different jobs.

1531
01:38:39,455 --> 01:38:41,248
Find out what I actually like.

1532
01:38:43,000 --> 01:38:44,000
I like you.

1533
01:38:45,961 --> 01:38:47,046
So, so much.

1534
01:38:49,590 --> 01:38:51,383
You're not hard to get at all.

1535
01:38:52,551 --> 01:38:53,761
You're hard to earn.

1536
01:38:54,887 --> 01:38:56,639
It's so much better.

1537
01:38:58,474 --> 01:39:01,810
You displayed a total lack of character
when it mattered.

1538
01:39:04,855 --> 01:39:05,855
I know.

1539
01:39:08,275 --> 01:39:13,030
Charlie, you have the romantic and
sexual personality of a seventh-grader.

1540
01:39:14,990 --> 01:39:17,534
Seventh?
I feel like it'd be at least high school.

1541
01:39:17,826 --> 01:39:19,703
You wear suits to sports games.

1542
01:39:21,205 --> 01:39:22,205
What?

1543
01:39:27,920 --> 01:39:29,171
You're a know-it-all.

1544
01:39:30,381 --> 01:39:34,176
You are unbelievably bad at beer pong.

1545
01:39:34,843 --> 01:39:38,555
You're a sore winner.
And you use too many exclamation points.

1546
01:39:42,393 --> 01:39:43,394
And yet...

1547
01:40:37,865 --> 01:40:38,991
I feel joy.

1548
01:40:41,744 --> 01:40:44,580
Maybe I love love in open spaces, too.

1549
01:41:48,435 --> 01:41:49,435
Yeah!