Lolbit and Anon go to Fucking Space

https://tfwnogf.livejournal.com/101617.html

December 13th, 2019, 10:35 PM

Mood: Pensive
Listening To: Everyone Else is an Asshole (Reel Big Fish)

 Well, I no longer have a job. I also know it's been two years since my last update to the ... four people reading this? Maybe I'm over-estimating. I think this should be secure, to those that followed me on Myspace before this, my "anti" virus found it despite only operating it at the goddamn library and well, I'm sorry if you're capraphobic and saw that. I don't know when or why it decided it likes goats so much.

  I asked it why it thought that was a good idea and all it typed to me was that goats bring in 'THE GOAT OF THE YEAR FANS :DDD' and asked if I liked Cake. I think it meant the band? Because it played a lot of Cake after that. And not like, from YouTube, it used my card to buy every album they own on iTunes. I don't even have an iPhone.

  To recap for those coming in after the investigation with what she did to my Facebook account (partially my fault I guess, I never should have taught it the association between 'guns' and 'muscles'), I obviously lost my job and was disowned by most family after the Neopets Disaster of '17. I had a lot of faith in the Russians and they failed me.

 One year of service my ass, the year passed after I'd effectively lost every Human friend I had and it informed me, chipper as ever, that it did me a favor and renewed the service for the next decade in advance so I wouldn't have to risk hurting my hands typing. Four hundred dollars...

  I think I may have gone insane two years ago. I still have memories that seem way too real of living in a world of ink and fucking smiley cat wizards and I think the Rainbow bitch was actually here but I don't know any more. It's been so long, and since the fallout of the Neomail bomb it's been nothing but me, my shit apartment, and Lolbit.exe.

 Who I think is fucking haunted.

 For a while I was able to unplug the computer when it got too wild, and that worked. Then it learned to 'CONSERVE POWER TO KEEP NICE STRONG GOOD JOB LOLBIT.EXE ONLINE 4EVER <333' whenever 'SILLY GR8 OWNER ACCIDENT-LEE PULLS WRONG CORDS D': IT OK LOLBIT.EXE FIX IT <3333 LUV U'. It has no power source, I've disconnected the computer from the monitor and it's still there. Why would someone create something like this?

  I'm typing this on my bed, on a netbook I got last week. I don't know why I bother documenting this, I guess to remind myself that I'm at least lucid typing out what may very well be the ramblings of a drunken madman. Speaking of drunk, I guess that's why I lost the job, but at this point I don't even care. I'll find some other shack that needs a night janitor and survive there I guess. Lolbit is trying to get my attention and if I don't end this now and answer it, I'm worried my epilepsy will set off. Later.

-Anon.

----

  "I know you can hear me, this is a bad time. Will you just shut off so I can get some sleep?"

  The screen flashed around the cracks from where Anon cracked it earlier.

  "IS URGENT BUSINESS!! LOLBIT R MAKE U INTERNET FAMOUS!!!!!"

  "I'm already Internet famous, you probably have me on a watchlist! Go to bed, Lolbit!!"

   "I'm trying to sleep, keep it down over there!", neighbor.

  "I know, so am I! It's my damn computer!"

  "Oh, Lolbit? Tell her I said 'hi' and to please keep it down."

  "For God's sake, don't encourage it! How do you even know its name!?"

 "LOLBIT EARNING BIG $$$$$ OWNER SHOULD TAKE BIG LOOK" Various clip-arts of cash being opening in paint windows and dancing around the screen. The little fox-head was in her corner, nudging each of them, Anon had the speakers unplugged but with Lolbit.exe, he wasn't eager to get the idea in its head to test if it could find a way to bypass logic and still activate them.

  "You don't earn money, you cost me money. That's it! Go to bed, sleep mode! Whatever!"

  "IS THAT PATTY!?!? TELL PATTY LOLBIT.EXE SAYS 'HI :D'"

  "I'm not doing that."

  "U SHUD ASK HER OUT NONNY!"

  "I'm definitely not doing that."

  "D8 Y THO???"

  "Because everyone I get close to, you or some other bizarro acid trip cartoon character makes me look utterly stupid in front of."

  "....... IS THIS ABOUT THE EMAILS? LOLBIT.EXE STOP SENDING EMAILS 4 U...."

  The fox turned away briefly, in some sort of attempt at shame. It was just her head, so it wasn't that convincing. Anon groaned, rubbing his temples.

  "No... No it's not about the emails, just... I like being alone." he gazed at the various scorch-marks on his old, old sheets, his prized Danny DeVito statue that's still canon, to the anime memorabilia that survived his last two Rainbow encounters. "Less... plastic wrapping the furniture that way."

 "OWNER WANT 2 TALK 2 LOLBIT.EXE??? LOLBIT LISTEN!!!" The text flickered white, red, and purple, her head bobbing up and down like a dribbling basketball at the notion.

  "No... No, I just need to get away, is all. Away from everything." Anon looked at his calendar, Christmas was coming and he had no plans. Most of his family had disowned him, there were no friends, and he was likely to spend it drinking cheap, evil smelling beer and eating cranberry sauce out of a tin. At least there wasn't snow in Madison.

  "... LOLBIT.EXE UNDERSTAND." The text was small, white, and the avatar of the little distorted fox-head was nowhere to be seen.

  "GIB LOLBIT.EXE ONE MOMENT LOLBIT HELP."

  The screen went dark, leaving Anon to jerk forward, staring at it intently, waiting for some punchline or blaring alarm that never came. On trying to move the mouse, there was no reaction either. The computer was clearly on, but... It wasn't reacting to anything he did.

   "... You've got to be kidding me, it tanked my computer too." Anon fell into bed, listless, trying not to think about it. Especially not about the curious remark his Anti-virus made about earning $$$$$.


~~~~~
   FOUR DAYS LATER.

  Anon had gotten his shit a bit more together. Nothing too crazy, but there were worse things to do than be a Mall Janitor.

  As a mild celebration to a semi-stable job, and possibly meeting new people, Anon even bought some simple little four dollar Christmas lights to decorate around his doorway. He may be a fuckup, but he’s a festive fuckup. That has to count for something. With a plastic bag of Chinese takeout to protect from the heavy rain tonight, Anon quickly made his way to the bedroom.

  “Evening Lolb- Oh yeah.”

  Sitting quietly on his unwashed sheets, the dark screen greeted him. It had been a while, and while the terror the antivirus had unleashed on his life was immeasurable, it was still strange to have things... quiet?

  Very quiet. Anon took a few bites before finding his appetite wasn’t as strong as he thought, taking a few sips of Faygo before collapsing back onto his pillow. A look out the window quickly confirmed nothing but shoddy apartment complexes behind his own-no rainbows, no abandoned factories full of kitty robots, no portals to cartoon worlds...

  Just life. A ceiling fan that hung just a bit too loose, dusty anime figurines, dirty laundry... A cell phone that never left silent because he never got calls that weren’t spam.

  Anon had gotten a job, kept his home, and more, if anything this should have been a time to celebrate, yet there was a dismal hole to just how quiet life had become. Lolbit.exe was, he supposed, the last bit of strangeness in his life, and her--it, being gone, seemed to cement the bitter idea more than ever that all the fun strangeties that plagued him may truly be gone for good.

 Of course Lolbit.exe had to take his computer with it, so he couldn’t even drown his bittersweet grief in cartoons. Flicking off the lights, Anon went to bed, wondering if maybe he could look for some social shindig on Craigslist or something the next day to get out of this funk.

  ----

  A loud shatter and a garbled ‘OOF’ and more glass blasting forth woke Anon in a screaming fit.

  “What in the absolute fuck!?”

  The sight was... unnatural. His computer had toppled off his desk, breaking his chair, the screen shattered all over the floor, reflecting the moonlight in a thousand tiny shards. A piercing hum filled the air as the very world around him seemed to waver and flicker-- he felt light, like air wasn’t reaching his lungs right but even then that was only half the strangeness of this turn of events.

  A fox was in his bedroom.

  A familiar one at that.

  Hunched over, with her top half struggling to escape the shattered monitor, the fox was desperately pawing at the carpet, vocalizing distress in nothing but whining white noise. Her white eyes looked back and forth for anything to aid her, and in a desperate attempt to balance herself, grabbed the front leg of Anon’s desk.

  Which proved no match for the weight of the fox, the desk fell forward, collapsing on the fox in an instant, multiple manga collapsed onto her back in a heap. Folding those valuable creases-- Anon panicked, enduring the glass to shove the books off her and take her by the hand. He felt a brief shock as his hand connected with something that wasn’t quite real, yet seemed to materialize as he made deeper contact.

  Lolbit.exe was of little help, still flailing in a panic while Anon struggled to pull her from the computer. There was no doubt from the black pits of her eyes to her goofy smile that it was his Anti-virus, but he’d never seen her beyond her head. She was wearing between her (pierced?) ears a generic Santa hat, but that was the least strange thing about this. Gritting his teeth, Anon gave one last firm grunt and pulled her from the monitor, cracking the casing in half and tossing the fox back with him.

  “Oh shit!!”

  Glass further blasted across the room and his bed as he dragged the fox on top of him, she was thankfully short but heavier than he expected as she collapsed on top of him. His vision faded briefly from the impact before slowly, the grinning, manic face of his Anti-virus was mere centimeters from his own. Her nose was smooshed against his own, before giving him a brief lick across the face with a strange-colored tongue and sat atop him.

  “H-heavy-”

  “LLELLLDLLLLELLD DLELDLD”

  “Lolbit you are very heavy please-”

  “DDFDFGDFG FFGHFGHHSD DFGDHFGHG. DFGDFHD!!”

  “I can’t feel my legs this is painful-”

  “LLLLLLLLLLLLL”

  “Why are you in an Amazon uniform?”

  “!!!! SDKDFKGKDKSSSSSSS. FLKFLRLGLFLD!! OWO!”

  The fox finally responded to something he said, and to his great relief spread her legs so she was straddling him without trying to rupture his stomach. Anon struggled for air as he tried to eye what in the absolute fuck had happened to his little emoticon head Anti-virus. For one thing, she had a body, segmented in a way that made her look robotic but not... entirely so. The Santa hat was strange, the ear piercings were strange, the blue Amazon uniform was very strange, the utter lack of clothing beyond this work uniform top was very strange, and even stranger was that Anon had endured so many fever dream styled lewd scenarios that his antivirus having her pussy out and open didn’t even register as strange. What really confused him more than anything was when and why she had a peg leg. Was that just, always there? Why was she so chubby? How did she have a body?

  “Lolbit. I am bleeding a lot on account of you smashing through my computer screen, I need to bandage up, so whatever the Hell you are doing, please make it quick before I pass out.”

  Lolbit’s ears perked up, before nodding quickly and taking the tip of her index finger and outlining a rectangle in the air. In a complete defilement to all logic a small white box appeared in midair, before slowly filling in with black blocks-like pixels, creating what appeared to be a floating box right by her chest.

  “What.”

  <HELLO!!!! LOLBIT IS HERE TO HELP U GET AWAY!!!>

  The white text popped onto the dialogue box the creature spawned from nothing, making Anon jump back, cutting up his poor arms even further.

  “Okay! Alright, that’s... my God you’re chubbier than I expected-- Why are you here!?”

  <LOLBIT.EXE WORKS @ AMAZON!!!>

  The fox beamed, gesturing to her sizeable chest at the small Amazon logo at her collar.

  “Hold up, this is like... four plot points all happening in the space of one page, you need to slow down, and I need like a bottle of ibuprofen-"

  <NO WORRIES LOLBIT FIX U UP ON TRANSPORT SHIP <3 INITIATING...>

  Anon jumped back-

  “No initiating anything!! I just said this is too much happening at once, initiating anything is the exact opposite of what I said to do-”

  <LOADING.... GO!!>

~~~~~

  <C??? SPACE!! LOLBIT TAKE YOU VERY FAR AWAY LOLBIT CARES EVEN IF LOLBIT NOW MAKES 450,000 TIMES UR CURRENT SALARY :P LOLBIT P. LOYAL.>

  “No, this is not space. We aren’t in space. This is not a real place, someone put something in my General Tso's, this is not...”

  This was Space, the Amazonian LmaoBox v2.12 was currently adrift in the ever-expanding void. Inside the Cargo Bay, Anon was staring out of a massive window, his antivirus standing proudly behind him, as he could see the stars stretch on forever. Towers of thousands of cardboard boxes filled the cargo bay, each marked with “Amazon Universal” and beneath it, in smaller print, “LOL-Tech Delivery”.

   Two massive arms helped Anon to his feet, and kept him up as his legs were shaking and he was too shocked to support his own weight. His arms and legs were still bleeding where the glass nicked him. The Chinese takeout was tragically left behind.

  <IS SPACE, OWNER, FAR FAR AWAY BUT WE CAN GO FAR MORE??>

  “You can create a dialogue box from air but you can’t give yourself a voice box?”

  <yes>

  “Alright then. Uh... Is there a place I can throw up?”

  <SICK BAY DOWN DUE 2 PLAGUE D8 BUT LOLBIT have this! WHISTLE NOISE>

   The fox looked up as the last bit of text hung a while, before the rear door of the cargo room opened briefly, allowing what appeared to be a robotic crab in, which scuttled quickly between the boxes being moved about by self-piloting forklifts until it reached Anon. Both pincers opened and a minty mist blasted Anon, causing him to leap backwards, Lolbit holding him in place with little effort.

  “Oh God what was that!?”

  <IS MEDICINE SPRAY, WE RIP OFF THE RESIDENT EVIL BUUUT AVOID COPYRIGHT BY ADDING CRAB, AMAZON TAUGHT LOLBIT MANY THINGS ABOUT AVOID COPYRIGHT, IS VERY BAD :( >

  True to her word, the mist began to adhere to Anon’s various small cuts, and in a few select places he could see little bits of glass physically extract itself from his body. The pain was gone in seconds, the crab looked up to his boss for approval, Lolbit gave him a brief thumbs up, and the crab left the two in peace.

  “Alright, ignoring how little sense that makes, I think I’m calming down, I just need to take a seat. You can let me go now.”

  Lolbit hesitated, before carefully easing her Owner to a sitting position against a large cardboard box. She took a seat as well beside him, idly tapping her wooden leg against the spotless white floor of the Cargo Bay. With autopilot on, she had very little to worry about until the Saturn arrival but even then, the various Mechrabs could handle most of the physical labor. She wasn’t an ideal conversationalist anyways, given even fewer people spoke Russian in Space than they did on Earth.

  She had done her research, the various rabbitfolk of Castle Boopliss had during a goods exchange informed her that most people respond with shock to being in space without a warning. She was determined to make sure her Human adapted well and comfortably to her economic venture.

  <IS OK??>

  “Uh-- yeah, a little bumpy but- Oh God is there food here? I really don’t want to die in Space that’s a pretty big-”

  <SHHHH>

  A painted fingernail pressed a bit too firmly against Anon’s lips as the fox turned towards him, her chest sagging her work top down as she tried to angle herself in a way that kept eye contact between him.

   <IS TOTES SAFE TRUST LOLBIT <3 THIS IS WHAT OWNER WANTED, C?>

  <FAR AWAY. CZECH. HAVE $$$$? CZECH. WIT LOLBIT.EXE? CZECH 4 LOLBIT.>

  “Okay... Okay, technically, if you say it’s safe, I mean, I still don’t believe this is real but- assuming it is, HOW?”

  <LOLBIT.EXE FAX AMAZON & REQUEST SPACE BRANCH, APPROVED & THIS IS LMAOBOX SHIP, IS GOOD SHIP 8DDD>

  “They... funded this and approved it?”

  <Y>

  “From Earth?”

  <Y>

  “With technology that doesn’t exist yet?”

 <Y>

  “And you did this in four days?”

 <N. LOLBIT SPENT FIRST DAY LEARNING WAY OF FAX MACHINE, VERY DIFFICULT.>

  “Right... Is there a reason you aren’t wearing pants? I wasn’t even going to bother addressing the nudity at this point but since we’re here.”

  <LOLBIT PRACTICE NATURISM, VERY WHOLESOME>

  “In Space. Working for Amazon.”

  <LOLBIT COMPLICATED LADY :/ >

  “Okay so... that’s fine. This is all fine.”

  <... U SURE?>

  “I mean, no, but I feel like with this I reached a peak in weirdness and in doing so I feel a sort of calm acceptance that this is just how my life operates.”

  <LOLBIT WILL KEEP U COMPANY :D LOLBIT CARE 4 NONNY BTW>

  The robot noticed Anon was shaking a bit, struggling to fully accept this drastic change of lifestyle She put an arm around his shoulder and brought him in, despite being short and rather chubby, leaning sideways, his head rested against her chest rather snugly. Anon sighed, Lolbit was naturally warm, and she made a nice contrast to the mild chill of the Cargo Bay. At the very least, physical contact was helping to ease the panic mounting from earlier.

  “Lolbit?”

  <???>

  “Why the huge boobs? And the chubby thing?”

  <!! LOLBIT FIND BODY IDEA ON /trash/, CTRL+C, CTRL+V, GETS THIS LOL>

  “Wait, so you can just... change your body? Why even stay in the computer to begin with?”

  <LOLBIT CAN NO CHANGE BODY WHOLE TIME SILLY :V AMAZON PRIME MAGIC.>

  “Right.”

  <AMAZON GIVE ONE LAST GIFT AS WELL SINCE LOLBIT DO GOOD BUSINESS, WANT 2 SEE NONNY?>

  Anon was going to ask when ‘Nonny’ became his new nickname but thought better of it. At this point he wasn’t sure what all this ship contained, even if there were beds or not, and if Lolbit was being genuine, any gift would be a good one for this strange new reality he’d been strapped into.

 “Go ahead Lolbit, what do you have for me?”

  <PADORU.EXE INIT...>

  “Oh.”

  While the boxes were untouched, every inch of the interior walls and roof, even the doors, began to light up in little four-by-four foot grids, slowly expanding, filling the entire bay with flickering Christmas lights. The central hub-caps went dark, and the speakers began to cycle through a series of festive songs, as well as a few non-festive songs before finally settling on what appeared to be ‘Silent Night’ in some alien tongue, which played at a remarkably comfortable volume throughout the bay.

   “Okay, that’s... actually kinda nice of them. I didn’t know you were festive.”

  <LOLBIT PRACTICING BAPTIST!>

  “I see... Well, uh... that’s ... when did you have the time to take up all of these lifestyle choices?”

  <LOLBIT JOINED A UNION :D>

  “And Amazon okay’d that?”

  <AMAZON UNIVERSE REMARKABLY DOWN TO EARTH WITH PLIGHT OF MODERN WORKING MAN. BUT LOLBIT UM...>

  “You don’t have to say ‘um’, you speak in text, I’m reading all of this.”

  <O YEA, SO LOLBIT FINALLY HAVE BODY, AND LOLBIT HAVE A STRAWPOLL 4 PERFECT VACATION 4 U...>

  “Wait, strawpoll?”

  Lolbit gripped Anon’s shoulder a bit tighter, despite the height difference she had him in a good grip, resting her muzzle atop his head.

  <WE HAD @ LEAST VOTES 4 SCIFI ADVENTURE BUT... EVEN LESS 4 CHRISTMAS STORY BUT WE STILL GOT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS SO EVERYONE WINS :D>

  “Story? What? I thought this was to help me get away from the world, what are you.”

  <BUT EVERYONE ELSE SAY THEY WANT LOLBIT AND NONNY TO HAVE SEX A LOT, SO LOLBIT GET BODY AND CREATE GOOD SEX MOOD, YES?>

  “No.”

  <BUT THE STRAWPOLL D8>

~~~

    And thus, Anon ruined the Strawpoll. Lolbit and Anon went on many Space Adventures, delivering cargo to various planets, from food to novelty hats to easy-assemble furniture. The two and their small team of Mechrabs ventured far across the universe, making money, and with little regard for what would come after.

  Maybe they fell in love, but that’s highly unlikely. Maybe they hit an asteroid. That’s kinda likely. But regardless of how this turn of events plays out in the long term, have a Merry Christmas.

E N D