WarhamFanBret

Drawback: The 12 Ordeals (1600)

Scenario: Jumper and the Green Knight

Knight

Born to Ride (Free)
Living in the Now (Free)
Grail Knight (1300)
Noble Title: Duke (1000)
Infinite Bret Wine (Free)
Truffle Hound Pack (Free)
A Horse, A Horse (Free)
Wrath of the Bretonni (800)
Favour of the Lady (600)
Prophetess (0)

My duchy is somewhat unorthodox. Mainly because Nehekhara, the Kuki Corporation and the wandering ogre chef-paladin caravans are considered parts of it. Also we're apparently a very pregressive medieval society, because as well as a Grail Knight I am officially a Prophetess (male). Which makes me the first pangender saint in Bretonnian history. Truly, these are the End Times.

I use my unchecked privileges to declare that I have been given a divine vision on how to defy said End Times. Bretonnia must be strengthened! It is fortunate that perverting experimental Nehekharan proto-death magic with my own sorcerous intuition results in something akin to fey blessings, because otherwise all these centaur-devastriders and holy gunblades would look /untraditional/. I also spout some gibberish about honor being the Lady-given right of all men in order to justify improving living conditions and personal rights for the peasantry without openly challenging the caste system. Mainly by drafting them into Neferata's Luna-aspected Ultimate Pillar Lifeform commandos, and then having them fight in joint operations.

Hekarti keeps giggling at all of this. After the ginger root beer incident I had to officially marry her to avoid social uproar, all because she wants only the best magical fuel for the White Pyramid's sorceries. I'm starting to wonder if I should've asked her exactly how she kept the elves out of my dukedom.

When the Green Knight showed up, I can smell the distinct hint of panic under his smile.

Anyway, I refused to kill the Beastmen. I simply mordhaued them in the kneecaps until they all agreed to be sworn in as my squires. Some of them happened to witness the Lord's cronies, and served as witnesses when I found enough crimes against him for the death penalty.

And as a better doctor than any in the land, I helped deliver the peasant's baby while Hekarti gallantly guarded my body. Shadow daemons did horrible, horrible things to the mercenaries. Eventually, the Lord stopped thinking. In return, she made me bridal carry her through the swamp.

Gilfred looked visibly uncomfortable when Hekarti kicked down the door, lit the candelabra with a snap of her fingers and shouted "HEEEEEERE'S AUNTIE" at his wife. Or someone just behind her wife. Who looks like she's seen a ghost. Throughout the meal she insisted on sitting in my lap, and maintaining eye contact with Morgiana like a tigress guarding her rightful prey. While rambling about how AWFUL it would be if your family left your amnestic husk of a body forgotten and abandoned, while tricking it into licking their boots. At the end of the meal the woman speechlessly handed over a golden girdle.

Sometime next morning, the Green Knight finally gives up the ghost after we spend most of a day listing the ways I could defend against decapitation. I offer a compromise: Looking into his eyes, I reaffirm my earnest wish to see Bretonnnia be a bastion of strength against Chaos. Then I wave my hand through his sword a few times. His smile and optimism restored, Giles finally admits that while I may not be the Green Knight his people deserve, I am the Green Knight they need right now.

Behind us, a gate to the Immaterium opens. Hekarti falls through with Lileath struggling on her bended knee, spanking that ass like she's trying to break the local Whackamole highscore. "What. Were. You. Thinking?!" she shouts, punctuating each slap. "If anyone's going to damn our species with halfbaked machinations, it's supposed to be ME! You had one job! ONE. JOB."

It takes the rest of the day and a hose to break up that fight.