Vampire Gets You To Eat Right

God, I am so... hungry... Why is it that everyone keeps locking their balconies nowadays? Surely *someone* is dumb enough to keep it open in this part of town. Well, 12th time's the charm I guess.

*sliding door open SFX*
*sliding door close SFX*

Thank God, finally. Just get in, get out, no problems. It's too late for anyone to *possibly* be-- why are you awake?

Who I am doesn't matter; what matters is why the hell are you awake? It's 4 am. Don't you have work tomorrow or something?

No, I'm not here to rob you. [quietly] Not money anyway.

I'm not here to hurt you! Look, I'm friendly, see? I'm smiling! No one who smiles is going to hurt you, right?

My teeth?

No, they aren't *that* sharp. You're seeing things.

Dude, you are asking *too* many questions. It is too late and I am too hungry to deal with your inane bullshit right now. *sigh* Just... sit down.

[commanding] Couch. Sit.

Thank you. Okay, look. I'm going to be straight up with you. I'm here for your blood.

Yes, yes, vampire bleh bleh bleh. Halloween was over a while ago yada yada shut up.

Where are you going?

[overly dramatic] Oh no! Garlic! My one weakness! Now I won't be able to do anything to you! The smell! It's awful!

No, I really don't give a shit about you and your garlic. I mean, don't get me wrong it's smells disgusting, but it's not like I'm *repelled* by it.

*sigh* What else are you rummaging around for?

A knife? You really think a knife is going to stop me? You know what, just for laughs, come at me.

You heard me. Stab me. It'll be funny.

Yeah, didn't go exactly how you wanted it to, did it? Honestly, even if you *did* have a wooden stake it wouldn't stop me either.

Anti-vampire measures are about as useful as essential oils. You aren't getting out of this, friend. So, why don't you just sit down, relax, and let me do what I'm going to do.

You *are* going to give me your neck, I'm taking your blood, and I'm leaving. Don't make this harder for me than it needs to be.

*laughs* That wasn't a question, buddy. You don't *get* to say no.

[commanding] Neck. Here. Now.

That's a good pet.

*neck biting sound*

*spitting out sound* What the *f-ck* is that? It tastes like *acid*! What the f-ck do you *eat*?! Oh, no... I hit another college student, didn't I?

*sigh* That *matters* because your blood will taste like shit if your diet sucks. The dozen energy drinks should've tipped me off, but I guess I was too hungry to really notice. *sigh* What do I do? What the hell do I do? Do I deal with an awful taste just to eat or do I go out and find someone else?

[aggrivated] What?

[Commanding] Put. The phone. Down. Even if you *were* to call the police they'll never believe you were attacked by a vampire. Either way I'll make sure to wipe your memory so you can't even describe what I look like so don't even try it, bud.

Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to cook you something *real* to eat and we're going to hope that it makes your blood taste like not absolute *garbage*. Now, it's time to see what you got in your fridge.

*fridge open SFX*

You-- *sigh* What the hell is this? Do you not keep a *single* fruit or vegetable in here? Do you at least have a multivitamin or something?

[under breath] No wonder you're such a failure...

*fridge close SFX*

[exasperated] Alright! Change of plans! *I* am going to the gas station to see if I can get you *anything* that approximates a human meal and *you* are going to wait patiently for me.

Oh, right. The whole "breaking and entering" thing. [whiny] God, this is so much more effort than I really wanted it to be... Fine. Look at me.

[commanding] Look. at. me.

I was never here. You will keep your balcony open. You will not go to sleep. Understand?

That's a good pet.

*pause*

*sliding door open SFX* Thank god it worked. Their eyes were so glazed over I thought they wouldn't have made enough eye contact.

*sliding door close SFX*

Hi there, I'm back!

Shit, that's right, you don't remember me. Okay, vampire, here for your blood, here's something to eat. Eat it so I can too and I'll get out of your hair, alright?

I don't care if you're not hungry you are *going* to eat.

*pause*

Hm?

[sarcastically] Oh, I'm *sorry* that it's making you uncomfortable that I'm staring at you. It's not like I haven't eaten in 3 goddamn *days* or anything and am waiting for you to finish. Now hurry up and eat your stupid sandwich.

*pause*

Finally, took you long enough.

Look, I have *had* it with you. You don't eat right, you don't sleep normal hours, you forced me to go out and get you food, it's almost daylight, I am *sick* of your shit. Now get over here so I can go home.

*neck biting sound*

Bleck. Still gross, but at least it's manageable.

Uh, thank you, I guess. Now, to wipe your memory and plant in your head for you to eat healthier food so I can come back here again.

Alright, look at me.

You *will* eat healthier foods. You *will* take a multivitamin. And, of course, you *will* leave your balcony unlocked.

There we go, now, go to bed.