I used to enjoy school. I had a wonderful teacher in 5th grade and was in the second year of a wonderful Highly Gifted Center class at my home elementary school. Due to being in the same class of 25 for two years I had formed strong bonds with my peers. I remember vividly several projects including building a cardboard tavern with working electricity (or, at least, a couple fifth graders' idea of it, including lights that turn on when patrons use one of the stools - "sit stools") and a report on a book that I believe was titled Danny Boy in which I endeavored to explain why I've never been as enchanted by dinosaurs as everyone, including the author, seems to expect me to be. While I found this work to be fulfilling, I also consistently found school work to be easy, even when I attended a middle school every other morning to take Pre-Algebra. That winter I got into the Takoma Park MS Magnet of Math Science, and Computer Science, a program which I'd been eagerly anticipating for several years. That year is, to this point, my academic peak.
    I didn't have an awful go of middle school; the only C I got was one quarter in 7th grade English and A's were plentiful. But there were signs of the coming apocalypse: numerous incomplete homework assignments, a math/art project (right up my alley) which I somehow managed to morally justify - and before I say this I should emphasize that it is my only instance of academic dishonesty and I would never do it again as I believe it serves absolutely no one - suggesting to the teacher that she lost, a year-long science project that was accepted late and incomplete by a very accommodating teacher. Still, my relatively high grades and outstanding test scores - the latter a constant that still remains - got me into the more prestigious high school magnet at Montgomery Blair.
    I staved the apocalypse off throughout those four years. English class presented the closest of calls - three semesters in which I was saved from failing only by my final exam grade, a grace that would not have been afforded to me a year post-graduation when Montgomery County abolished final exams. I fell into a pattern where as soon as an assignment presented a challenge to me I gave up, telling myself it must not be important if I can't do it. A brief spark, an A the first half of my second-semester senior year English class, was brought on partially by an engaging teacher and curriculum (a unit on satire and Catch 22) but mostly by the teacher failing to grade the only major writing assignment he assigned during that marking period. The D's that resulted from my narrow maneuvering in English class weren't the only ones and were accompanied by plenty of C's.
    As I continued my lackadaisical march towards a piece of paper that said I had finished high school I disengaged further and further, both from school work (only in the last few months did this lead to occasional truancy) and from my peers. When I graduated I allowed all of it to drop away - graduated perhaps isn't the precise term as I didn't attend the actual ceremony - and lost most contact with my friends. I had gotten into Temple University - again owing largely to test scores and my status as a National Merit Semi-Finalist, itself a testament only to my PSAT score - and was, somehow, again looking forward to my next academic challenge. I was assured college would be much easier than high school, that I would like school again.
                                                                        ***
    I did not. The beast finally reared its ugly head and the apocalypse swiftly came. The first semester I completed only a single paper. By the middle of November, I was attending classes only occasionally and had become largely nocturnal. I saw an advisor and thought maybe I could turn it around the second semester. I did not. That semester was also my last. I felt like a failure.
                                                                        ***
    I was a little shell-shocked after I dropped out of college. I initially wasn't sure I would ever go back, whether to Temple or anywhere else. It was clear, however, that college or no college the way I was conducting myself wasn't working, so I took several steps in the service of self-improvement. I've been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist since May 2017, and while my work with them isn't complete I certainly feel like I'm in a far better place than I was when I started. In the interest of figuring out what had gone wrong and not, at the time, continuing my education, I saw an educational psychologist (Dr. Ana Gardano, PhD.) to look for any learning disabilities that may have been hiding behind my early success. Dr. Gardano did diagnose me with a learning disability in written expression.
    Beyond abstract self-improvement, I haven't been quite as productive as I would have liked to be since I dropped out of college. I have held a job as a dog walker since November 2017, though the app I work for doesn't provide consistent work. The one consistent job I held was at a Barnes & Noble gearing up to close from November 2017-January 2018. While the job was short lived I had a positive experience. I enjoyed the work as much as I can imagine enjoying a retail position. I got along with my coworkers, enjoyed dealing with customers, and never struggled to complete my duties. However, as I've been unable to parlay that experience into a full-time job, I'm finding college to be a much more attractive option.
                                                                        ***
    When I was taught about writing college essays during my senior year I recall one of the options being writing a "risky" essay. I don't recall exactly what that looked like because at the time my plan for the application process was to do the bare minimum and coast by on my test scores and a hint of charisma, but I would imagine this probably qualifies given I'm only now about to answer the bulk of the prompt. In my defense, my academic history contains more than blips so it follows that it would take some significant explaining. But really I just find writing in a narrative structure to be much easier than the traditional essay. Or perhaps it's less about how easy it is, and more that I'm currently enjoying writing. There have been hints of the old enjoyment I used to take in writing over the past year and a half, but this is one of the more prolonged ones. That enjoyment is what I think I can achieve on a more consistent basis at McDaniel. I don't mean to say I expect I'll be able to complete writing assignments in whatever fashion I deem most entertaining to myself, but that I think McDaniel will be able to foster the love of learning I had in my younger days.
    I don't just think that because I'm enjoying writing one essay I'm ready to return to school. There are several other major differences since I left college. One is that I finally feel ready to ask for help. The reason I struggled in high school isn't that I can't write or, as I would have said as a rebellious teenager, that I didn't want to. It's because I wasn't asking for the support I needed. Not only am I ready to ask for that support, I think McDaniel is exceptionally capable of providing it. Part of getting support is knowing what support I need - and being diagnosed with a learning disability certainly helps to clarify that. I would never have believed in elementary school when I got all A's without nary a struggle, or even in high school when I saw myself as a victim of burnout, that I had a learning disability. While I don't expect school to necessarily be any easier given that knowledge, perhaps obviously as learning disabilities by definition increase the difficulty of learning, it does give confidence that if I work I can get past the blocks that have been in my way because I know that the blocks are real. And again, I know that McDaniel is willing to do that work with me, especially having had a (pardon the cliche but it feels particularly apt here) eye-opening meeting with Student Academic Services.
    I used to enjoy school. I used to think school was easy. Neither has been the case for years, but during my year at college, I was a lot more worried about the latter. I really wanted things to come easily to me, in some ways it ways it was a part of my identity. I'm no longer looking to find an easy path to success. I want to work, to face challenges. And even better, now I want to enjoy school again, to finally disentangle ease and enjoyment. I really hope I get the opportunity to do so at McDaniel.