why did i write this: misc. one-shots and stupidity

In response to the "Why is it ponies IN Earth?" posts (Tom counts as a pony shut up)
The Unremarkable Life and Death of Thomas Daniels

>Day Tom on Earth
>You are a boulder
>But you're not just any boulder
>You are a boulder FROM EQUESTRIA!
>Unfortunately, boulders from Earth and Equestria are indistinguishable
>You erode over several millenia and become dust before anyone discovers your secret
>People stop complaining about the name of the thread because now you're part of the Earth and therefore in it
>Your sacrifice is forgotten, but the consequences of it last forever


Planetside 2 gets pone'd
Your Best Is My Worst

>Day 'live free in the NC' on Auraxis
>The nanites put your body together at the Indar warpgate, same as always
>You suited up as an engineer and got ready to kill and die, same as always
>You went to the vehicle terminal and had the nanites put together a Vanguard heavy tank with a 150 millimeter autoloading mixed chemical/magnetic propulsion main cannon loaded with high explosive shells, an E540 recoilless rifle in a remote mounting on the turret's roof, a heavy nanite mesh armor generator for when you don't feel getting the custom camo-job scratched, explosive reactive applique armor plates, and a high maneuverability chassis with neon blue undercarriage lights because FUCK LIGHT DISCIPLINE, YOU HAVE A TANK
>You love your job
>You could have made this tank closer to the front lines, but you feel like taking the scenic route to Crown Plateau, aka Grinder Hill, aka that stupid tactically insignificant rock that everyone fights over for some reason
>It's an uneventful drive
>You hit the cruise control and check the map on a straightaway
>Looks like the Terran Republic fascists/commies/whatevers are attacking from Crossroads Watchtower across the valley
>You drive over Snake Ravine and spot the motherload of dismounted infantry coming out of an Advanced Mobile Station
>You drive a bit closer to get a better shot
>And you hit two tank mines simultaneously, destroying you and your sweet ride instantaneously
>Fuckin' tank mines


>You get put back together at the top of "The Crown" and suit up as an engie again
>You start walking around, distributing ammunition where it's needed
>You go up to the top of the defense tower and settle in with the armored exoskeleton guys who are shooting down the TR's "Mosquito" interceptor jets with the twin flak cannons on their suits' arms
>Slowly, the fighting dies down
>You think that's kind of weird, because there are obviously still people attacking and defending
>Everyone you can see from the top of the tower is looking at a single point
>Dafuq is going on?
>You lean over the guardrail to see what it is
>It looks like some white horse unicorn pegasus thing with weird hair
>It speaks in a loud, booming, female voice
>"Quit yer shit! I'm taking this rock!"
>EVERONE'S guns are aimed at her now
>There is a single, omnidirectional *click* as you pull the trigger
>"The fuck, man? My gun doesn't work!"
>"Mine too!"
>"This is bullshit! This thing's trial period ends in ten minutes!"
>Horse lady speaks again
>"YEEEAAHH I OWN THIS SHIT! FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU!"
"You took our guns, you bitch!"
>"DAMN STRAIGHT, MOFUGGAS!"
"Control is a means of oppression!"
>"I want my gun back!"
>"Nine and a half!"
>Just then, a Mosquito pilot buzzes right over her head, no less than two meters from her and inverted
>He's got the cockpit popped open and is yelling something
>The Doppler effect makes it sort of hard to tell what he's saying
>"lllleeeeOOOOONNNNEHHH IS BETTuuuuuuuuur!"


>A chorus of agreement erupts
>"Celestia is worst pony!"
>"Booooo!"
>"I didn't vote for you!"
>"Nine minutes!"
>You hear a whirring behind you, then silence
>Someone is speaking in a scratchy, walkie-talkie sounding voice
>It shouts
>"TWILIGHT IS BEST PONY!"
>Right into your ear
>You look away from horse lady for a split second
>Directly behind you, there is a Vanu Soverignty infiltrator in spandex and one of those weird robotic-ass helmets, force blade in hand, paused mid-stab
>He let his cloak run out to say that
"Ow! The hell, bro? My ears are ringing!"
>"My bad."
>Someone else yells out
>"Applejack is superior!"
>And then another
>"Fluttershy or death!"
>And then another
>"Rarity is mai waifu!"
>And then another
>"Eight and a half!"
>And another and another and another until it becomes an indecipherable rabble
>This eventually becomes a fight between the TwiShyfags, the AppleDashfags, and the RariPiefags
>Everyone got new guns, and the fighting started anew
>Nothing changed on the day that Celestia got drunk and solo-capped The Crown
>Just another day on Auraxis



In response to requests for another pony in LD + my weird conviction that Rainbow Dash would love kungfu movies
LD-based one-shot: Dashie comes to Earth somehow. Goes fangirl, ruins everything. Film at 11.

"I'm just saying that I think you're unhealthily obsessed."
>Her magenta eyes lock with your not-magenta eyes as she dives into a perfect eye-level hover
>She's giving you the 'Jackie Chan' look
>Yes, you actually had to come up with a name for that expression
>It's a mixture of frustration at having to explain how awesome Jackie Chan is, disappointment for not liking Jackie Chan as much as her, and pity for those who will never know the joys of Jackie Chan
>To the untrained eye, it's identical to the 'Wonderbolts' look
>"No, Jake, you don't get it. This is JACKIE CHAN we're talking about, okay?!"
"I realize that. We've had this conversation more times than I care to count."
>"And it never gets through your thick zombie-monkey skull! Jackie Chan is awesome!"
"I hear your voice repeating those words when I'm trying to sleep."
>"And it still doesn't get through. Jackie Chan is the funniest, awesomest human alive. Twilight, is there a single word that means funny and awesome?"
>"I need to wake up...It's all a dream...I need to wake up..."
>Twi didn't exactly take it well when RD decided to 'borrow' your wallet for an unauthorized trip to Walmart last week
>By the time you caught up with her, she'd already taken twelve DVDs, nine MLP figurines (the mane 6, Spike, Scootaloo, and an extra one of herself), confused a cashier, and was headed back to your house


>When you caught up with her again, Twilight was in the pone equivalent of the fetal position and encased in a sphere of magic while screaming about how everything is impossible
>The screaming stopped and the spell broke, but she hasn't moved since
>Spike's been force-feeding her to keep her alive
>Minutes after you got home, the police arrived
>And then the FBI came a few hours later
>Even the government had no idea what the fuck they're supposed to do in this situation
>It took a while until they decided, "Fuck it. Seal them under an inflatable dome and do science to them."
>Their words, not yours
>There are CCTV cameras in every room, MRE's in the fridge, Geiger counters and shit taped to the walls, and a few platoons of National Guardsmen trying to keep the media and crowds at a distance
>All this because Dash caught a Jackie Chan marathon on cable one day and couldn't help herself
>Celestia sent you Dash's shredded certificate of Equestrian citizenship and a stern letter (not that it matters to RD, because she's not intent on going back anyway)
>She still insists that it was "totally worth it, 'cause I'd marry Jackie Chan in a heartbeat if he wasn't already taken and also wasn't not a pony."
"I don't think she can answer because YOU BROKE HER."
>"I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. She just needs to see the bright side of it. We're famous!"
"And this is the sort of fame we all wanted. Yipee."


Inspired by the realization that these two characters share some alarmingly similar traits
The Magic (Tragic) Schoolbus: Arnold Will Never Have A Normal Field Trip

>Day 'normal day at college' on Earth
>Be Arnold M. Perlstein
>You have the exact same class as you had in elementary school, middle school, and high school
>How does that even happen?
>All these people living totally separate lives, but they come together again and again through sheer chance
>The answer is that there is a god
>And that god is trying to drive you insane
>The teacher you've had for the last 15 years is this god's representative on Earth
>She's a witch
>She's got a lizard familiar and a magic schoolbus in place of a magic broomstick
>Ms. Frizzle is a witch
>That's the only explanation for the things you've seen
>A field trip to the outer edge of the solar system or the bottom of the sea is laughably infeasible
>A field trip which shrinks its passengers to the size of plant cells or changes them into salmon eggs is totally impossible
>But it's happened
>You've been there and seen it happen
>And everyone else in the class thinks it's normal
>Phoebe was suspicious for a time
>She said things like "This didn't happen at my old school!"
>Wanda and Keesha expressed worry, but didn't seem to recognize that anything out of the ordinary was happening
>Over the years, they've become accustomed to the reality-bending that occurs in this class
>Now you're the last holdout of sanity


>Every day, you hope for a normal day of school
>Not normal for this class
>Normal as in "what any other student would consider normal"
>No field trips every day
>No situations that science can't explain, or can't rescue you from if something goes wrong
>No transforming into animals or going back in time
>Just a normal day
>You walk to the classroom with Ralphie and speak to yourself
"Please let this be a normal day at school..."
>Ralphie's still a jock
>He hasn't changed
>None of them change
>They age, but they always wear the same style of clothes and act just as they did after they broke
>Your wardrobe spontaneously replaced itself with an infinite number of striped yellow sweaters and blue jeans one night, and nobody cared
>Not even your parents
>You might be a student in this hellish class forever, and you'd be the only one who notices
>Ralph smiles at you and gives the reply you've come to expect
>"With the Frizz? No way!"
>You groan like you were expecting him to say "I'm sure it will be normal"
>He'll never say that


>Arriving at the classroom, there is a glimmer of hope
>There's a note on the door saying that Ms. Frizzle will be out sick today, and a substitute is taking her place
>The usual students are gathered around the note, speculating about who the teacher will be and whether they'll take the class on a field trip
>"Frizzle's not here?"
>"Aw man, I was gonna give her this sketch I made of Liz."
>"I wonder when she'll be back?"
>A soft, rhythmic clicking comes from down the hallway
>They all turn to see what the source of the sound is
>You follow suit
>It's a small, pink horse with a curly mane and tail, balloons painted on either side of its hips, and a small reptile dangling by its mouth from the horse's tail
>And then it speaks in a high-pitched, enthusiastic female voice
>"Hello everyhuman! My name is Pinkie Pie and I'll be your substitute for the day."
>The entirety of the class ignores what this... thing just said, addressing it as Ms. Frizzle
>"Oh, hi Miss Frizzle. You're a bit late today."
>"Good morning, Frizz! How've you been?"


>The pink creature returns their oblivious affection
>"I've been alright. The Gyro-pedal-Pinkiecopter has been running a bit rough lately, but it should be okay for today's field trip."
>You look for the note on the door, hoping to prove that this isn't Frizz, but the note has disappeared
>Tim offers a drawing to the equine menace
>"I brought a sketch for you. What do you think of it?"
>"Nice sketch, Tim! It looks just like Gummy. Don't you think so, Gummy?"
>The thing is looking back to its tail where the reptile hangs
>It looks like some sort of baby alligator
>It makes no acknowledgement toward its host's question
>Despite this, 'Pinkie' balances the drawing on a front hoof and gives it to the reptile, which bites down on the paper to hold it against the limb it has clamped down upon
>'Pinkie' returns to the conversation and praises Tim's work further
>"Gummy loves it!"


>In a hopeless gamble, you sidle up to Carlos
>He seems to be the most far gone, but you can't whisper to anyone else without causing a scene
"Psst. Carlos."
>"What is it?"
"Does anything seem off about Ms. Frizzle today?"
>"I don't see anything. She's got the pet lizard, the frizzly hair, the works."
"What about the hooves? Or the sick note on the door?"
>"I don't know what you're talking about."
>Carlos raises his voice to a normal volume
>"Actually, now that you mention it, her voice sounds a tiny bit different."
"You think so?"
>The pink creature produces the classroom key from thin air, holding it with an invisible force to its front hoof
>As it turns the key in the classroom's lock, you see a different note that appeared on the door while you weren't looking
>This one says that Miss Frizzle is going to be late, not substituted
>The pony-like animal winks to Carlos, who takes this as a cue to speak
[spoiler]>"Yeah. She's a little horse."[/spoiler]



Inspired by HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I STARTED WRITING LONG DISTANCE?! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE BEFORE SEASON 4 STARTED!
At Least I Kept To My Deadline For Writing This

>Be a construction company executive
>Specifically, an ACME Construction Co. executive
>Paying a visit to a worksite that's going to be the crown jewel of the city and a perfect specimen of modern skyscraper design
>Shit like this ain't been done before, not even in Dubai
>This skyscraper's being built with magic
>More than half of the work crew is ponies
>The top deck is already half-done
>Everything between the observation level and the business suites is literally hovering on clouds brought in by pegasi and magic fields made by unicorns, and the girders are specially reinforced by earth ponies to catch the top deck if it ever falls
>You have no idea how earth pony magic can do that, but hell, even earth ponies don't seem to understand what earth pony magic is
>At least all the testing and modeling's proven it would work
>It should be stressed that this building is GOING to be the crown jewel
>Unfortunately, it's way behind schedule
>The purpose of this visit is to deal with the reason for the delays
>And here it is now
>You walk up behind the pink pony issuing orders through a walkie-talkie
>She was selected for the job because she has a way of organizing crowds
>Also because the people reading this are already going to be familiar with her character


>"The five by fifteen banners need to be up by Tuesday at the latest. You've got the floor plan for where the refreshments and food will be, right? Yeah. The one I drew in crayon. Uh-huh, I'll have Dashie fly some more nails up for you."
"Ms. Pie?"
>The tiny hardhat jammed into her mane sways and wiggles as she turns to face you
>"Foremare Pinkie Pie, reporting for duty!"
"Yes, yes. I'm here to speak with you about your job."
>"Actually, I've been meaning to ask: could we change my job title? Foremare sounds a lot like 'former,' but it also clearly has the word 'mare' in there. I think it might be sending the wrong message. I'm a mare, not a former mare! I'm probably always going to be a mare, and-"
"Ms. Pie."
>Your attempted interjection doesn't even register with her
>"And I just thought that could offend some people who are really offendable. Maybe I should throw an 'everyone is who they are and that's great' party. I bet that would make them happy! Or maybe not. They're hard to ple-"
"Ms. Pie, I'd like to talk about your performance."
>This attempt manages to catch her attention
>"I'm proud to report that worker morale is at an all-time high."
>About that...
"I'd commend you for that, but hosting parties in the construction site is not an acceptable use of company time and resources."
>Confusion creeps across her face
>"...It isn't?"
"No, Ms. Pie. It is not."


>"But it's only semi-weekly, and I pay for all of the food and decorations myself!"
"We are aware of that. I'm not here to fire you, if you were wondering. I simply want to let you know that you must stop organizing and preparing for parties during working hours, and you may not host parties on company property."
>Pinkie sticks out her lower lip and raises her eyebr-
>Oh fuck, they warned you about this
>She's giving you the puppydog eyes!
>"If I can't host parties, how will I make the workers happy?"
>Uh
>UHHH
"Well, I- er... I suppose you COULD have some parties here."
>There's a hopeful twinkle in her eye
>It's a sign that you've given way too much ground already
>It's also a break from the irresistable cuteness of this pony when she's begging
>You needed that break
"But it's, uh... wouldn't they be better in the finished building, where you can share them with everyone?"
>The pouting stops entirely, inverting into a tight expression of contemplation
>A moment later, Pinkie responds
>"All right, you've got a point. We are pretty far behind schedule, but most of the framework is done."
"I'm glad you see it our way. Just remember, a building is more than a foundation and supports."
>"Yeah, it needs to be filled in. This is ACME Construction, not ACME Scaffolds."
"Indeed. By the way, Ms. Dash tells me she wants you to stop calling her 'Dashie' over the radio."


Written for a certain holiday in 2015 after an anon's post reminded me it was coming up. Also my first non-anonymous story with the Ponies in(on) Earth original characters. Pillow Case a qt.
Pillow Case's Irrational (but well rounded) Exuberance

"Casey, I thought you invited me over for brunch? This doesn't look like a normal brunch spread to me."
>"That's because today's special. We've got to celebrate, Strawberry!"
"Is it your second-and-a-half anniversary of moving to Earth?"
>"That was last month. Have a look at my table. Maybe that will help you figure it out?"
>You stare at the dining room table before you, trying to make sense of your friend's choices of food and decoration
>There's a delicious-smelling raspberry pie steaming up inside a circle of pinecones at the center of the table
>Two pink plates sit next to eachother on one end of the matching tablecloth, both places set with utensils and clear glass cups of a murky yellow liquid
>At the other end, there's a circuit board just larger than your hoof trailing wires towards what looks like a webcam and digital clock that are stripped out of their casings
>None of this brings you any closer to figuring out what's special about today
"It all looks pretty random to me."
>"It does? I thought it'd have a pretty clear pattern."
"I skipped on having breakfast with Michael for this and I don't take coffee on an empty stomach if I can help it."
>Pillow Case rolls her eyes, bringing a wing forward and lightly slapping herself upside the head with it
>"Oh right, duh. I was so excited that I forgot you had the closing shift at the bar last night. Sorry for being so featherbrained. You deserve a few hints."


>She saunters up next to the table
>"Everything on the table has one thing in common."
>You're not even sure what all of the stuff on the table is
>"Today's date is what makes it special."
>The fourteenth of March?
>Still no idea
>"Specifically, two letters are what they have in common."
"I know my drinks, but I'm not sure what's actually in those glasses."
>Pillow wraps a hoof around a glass and offers it to you
>"I'm sure you'll recognize the taste."
>You take the glass and sip at it
>It tastes like...
>"I filled them with p-"
>Your eyebrows shift upward as you recognize the taste
>Casey interrupts herself as she realizes you're putting it together
>"... have you figured it out?"
"Pineapple juice?"
>She's so excited that her wings are doing little reflexive flaps
>"Yup! So do you know what day it is?"
>Well, it's Saturday, but pineapple juice is spelled P-I-...
>Oh, you heard one of the bar patrons mention this last night!
"Pi Day?"
>She smiles and nods with her eyes shut
>"Mhmm!"
"I thought you were into programming more than math."


>"Oh, but it's not just any Pi Day. It's THE Pi Day! 3/14/15 only happens once a century, you know!"
>Huh
>No wonder the guy last night seemed so excited
"You wanted to share a once in a lifetime event just with me?"
>She gives another smiling nod, looking you in the eye this time
>"We've known eachother since we were fillies. I don't think anypony else deserves this more than you."
"Aww, Casey..."
>You walk to the table, put the cup down, and wrap your forelegs around her
>A second later, you feel her reciprocate the hug
>The two of you share the moment for the better part of a minute
>It might last a little longer if you didn't have a question
>You gently break the silence
"One question, though."
>"Yeah?"
"What's that at the other end of the table?"
>Pillow Case lets go with one hoof to gesture across the table spread
>"That thing? It's just a Raspberry Pi."
>Unless the pie moved, the two of you are talking about different things
>A quick glance shows that the pie hasn't moved an inch
>You drop one hoof off of her to point at the thing you're actually asking about
"Not the pie, the circuit board. Is it supposed to be a 'Pi-le' of electronics?"
>"Oh, that kind of board is called a Raspberry Pi. It's good for little programming projects. I bought it just for today."
>Makes sense
"What does it do?"


>"Pretty much anything, but right now, I have it set up to trigger that camera seven seconds before 9:27."
>Casey looks at the clock for a split-second
>"Ooh! We've only got a minute left to pose. Scoot to the left a little?"
>You shuffle a bit to the side, making sure to keep one foreleg wrapped around your friend while smoothing out your mane with the other
>"Alright, fifty seconds. Let's say 'pi' after it beeps slowly three times in a row."
>Both of you stare at the camera
>The clock shows at least thirty seconds left now
>Just enough time to ask another question
"Pillow Case?"
>"Yeah?"
"Do you know that you're my very best friend?"
>"I sure do."
>The circuit board emits a single beep
>A moment later, it beeps twice quickly
>"Here it comes."
>Beep
>Beep
>Beep
>Both of you call out "Pi!"


Inspired by a request for Vito to vector a grumpy royal guard mare in a specific situation.
Stun-stick and Gas Mask Not Included

>"You, human!"
>The gruff, feminine voice drifting into your ears from about waist-height could only mean one thing
>Equine Neigh-borhood Watch
>It's bad enough that pony neighborhoods in this city are gentrified as hell
>Why do they insist on having these damn hall-monitors, too?
>At least the shopkeepers are friendly and the streets are clean
>Your sneakers scrape on the sidewalk as you turn toward the source of the voice
>Sitting on a doorstep is the embodiment of the ENW stereotype
>A cream-colored earth pony mare wears a cheap imitation of Royal Guard armor, a radio headset, and a serious expression
>"Come over here and put out your hand."
>You roll your eyes and do as she says
>She must want to check if you have dirt under your nails or something stupid like that
>As you stop in front of her, she leans back on the steps
>"Now put it on my belly."
>Wat
>You stare at her
>She stares back
>"Put your hand on my belly."
>Okay, so you didn't mishear her
>You rest your palm on her belly, just below her ribs
>"Start rubbing."
>Uh
>Okay then
>You slowly rub up and down her belly, keeping a good distance between your hand and the 'no-no' zone on the downward stroke
>The mare closes her eyes and leans back further
>A dopey smile comes to her lips as she taps a hoof on the side of her headset
>"10-85, human conscripted for relaxation assistance."



Inspired by hearing "Christmastime in the City" one too many times and the distinct lack of Changelings in Earth stories
Faust Food

>Be harvest drone 458
>This number is to be displayed on the flank of your carapace at all times
>Identities within the hive
>How strange
>It is an adaptation for a strange time
>The Queen has relocated the hive to a planet called 'Earth' that the ponies discovered
>Many caverns have been excavated from the dusty soil of a country known as 'India'
>A central location on Earth's largest cluster of continents
>The Queen is wise
>Feeding is easier than it has ever been
>Humans are the primary inhabitants of this planet
>They are a strange species
>Few other species would give their love willingly
>And yet thousands of humans do so every day
>Drones need not even leave the hive to make their harvests
>Humans have created devices that can carry sounds from one location to another instantaneously
>The hive has acquired many of these devices through commerce
>A large chamber of the hive is dedicated to their use
>The humans who are paid for their installation and upkeep refer to the chamber as a 'call center'
>India has many call centers and can support them well
>If the hired humans continue to describe the hive's odors using comparisons to vomit and unwashed flesh, other humans with similar expertise will not be difficult to find
>The Queen is wise indeed


>You are seated at one of the 'North American English' harvesting stations
>The harvesting device has been placed before you on a slightly elevated platform with another device beside it for financial transactions and record-keeping
>You are tethered to the device by a plastic implement that clamps over your head and extends toward your mouth
>The chatter of hundreds of drones speaking dozens of languages pervades the chamber
>Some impersonate estranged romantic partners and forbidden relations
>Others impersonate the deceased or unavailable
>Little time passes before your station trills for attention like a needy larva
>You activate the harvest device and begin feeding, speaking in a gentle, female voice
"Hello, and thank you for calling Ring-a-'Ling. You are speaking with operator #458. Will you be using our free, standard service or our premium service today?"
>A female voice much like the one you presented replies through the device
>"I- uh... standard. Standard service, please."
>Excellent
>No delay while financial information is exchanged, and no pointless description of reproductive acts
>You can taste urgency in her words
>She longs for someone desperately
>This will be a good harvest
"Good to hear! Please be advised that your phone service may charge you for this call. May I have your name and a description of the person you would like to hear from?"
>"My name is- no. Please call me Laurie. I want to talk to a 5 year old girl."


"Gladly. I'll need a couple more details before we begin. What is your relationship with this person, and do you have any special requests?"
>"Yes, um, she would be my daughter. Call me mama, or something like that."
>There is clear mournfulness in the voice of this female, 'Laurie'
>You are engulfed by the bitter, unpleasant taste of death
>This harvest is quite uncommon
>Requests for deceased relatives are usually for elderly humans
>Perhaps the Queen would sympathize with this female; she mourned those who could not be found after the attack on Canterlot
>No matter
>The harvest continues
"We're almost ready. I'm going to start with some test phrases and you can tell me if you want any adjustments made."
>You clear your throat, mostly for effect
>When you speak again, it is an imitation of what Laurie's voice may have been years ago
>You add a slight lisp to simulate a young human's dental development
"Is there anything you want to change?"
>"Yes! I mean no! That's perfect. Please, I just want to get started."
>You switch back to the voice of an adult female
"Okay. Before we begin, I am legally obligated to tell you that if you suddenly feel ill, fatigued, or get a strong headache, you should hang up immediately. Shall we begin?"
>"Yes. Please."
>Quite uncommon
>How coincidental it would be to perfectly impersonate a voice without instruction
>Some other factor may be at work
>It shall be determined later
>This female is eager to begin feeding you


>You alter your voice to the one which pleased Laurie
"Hi, mama! Can you hear me okay?"
>There is an immediate, intense rush of love
>It is purer and sweeter than any you have ever tasted
>You were not prepared
>"Hi sweetie. It's so good to hear from you. How's my Meggy?"
>Conscious effort is required to maintain your facade
>Too much love
>There should not even be such a concept
"I'm okay. I used some crayons to draw Santa! I'd show it to you, but the phone doesn't have pictures."
>"That's okay, dear. I'm sure it looks great. Maybe I could draw with you sometime."
>Already you feel as if you have taken five calls in a row
"That sounds fun! Promise to do that with me?"
>"I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake..."
>You concentrate as best you can to calculate what words she will speak next
>With great effort, you say "in my eye" without breaking your impersonation
>The female speaks the same words synchronously to your own
>She laughs
>You giggle along with her
>The flow of love becomes bittersweet and begins to abate
>You hear a sigh through the harvest device
>"... Thank you. If I could have children, I'd want it to be like that."
>On cue, you return to the voice of an adult female
"We take pride in the quality of our service. Would you like to continue?"
>You are unsure if you are capable of continuing
>Excess love is beginning to seep from the holes in your appendages
>"No. I think I've had my moment."


"Very well. We hope you'll call back soon!"
>"Thanks again."
"You're welcome. Have a pleasant day."
>A click sounds through the harvesting device
>Love stops flowing into you
>You hastily set your harvest device not to resume harvesting
>The feed receptacle at your station is partly full from prior harvests
>You scramble to replace it with an empty one which had been set aside and hunch over it
>Green globs of jelly that are nearly the size of your head spew forth from your mouth, marked with pheromones indicating that they are to be delivered immediately to the Queen
>This process takes inordinately longer than usual
>You have never felt so full before
>That was a very odd harvest
>A female which sounded to be within breeding age had you play the role of a child she claims to be incapable of birthing
>Her identification number will be archived and designated for priority harvesting
>The hive will feed well today


Inspired by an argument over what historical figure gets the Element of Honesty in a "My Little Human" spinoff for Equestrian TV
He Cannot Tell A Lie


>Be young George WashingtAnon
>You have been left home whilst your parents are out for various errands
>Mistress Applejack is to care for you in the meantime
>She is an odd woman
>Her accent is odd
>She insists on contracting the word "you" and "all" when addressing a group, for example
>Her garb, and lack thereof, is odd
>Naught but a bizarrely misshapen tricorn
>Her body is even odder still
>In simple terms, she is an orange pony with oversized facial features and a depiction of three apples on either side of her hips
>Were that not strange enough, she just gave you nap time while the sun is still three full hands-widths above the horizon
>Total bullshit
>Disregard the constabulary, you're playing outside
>You open the bedroom door with caution
>Mistress Applejack is resting a room away with her back to the door
>You exit the house in the direction opposite to her
>Be outside
>Still feeling rebellious
>Retrieve axe
>Approach cherry tree on property
>You swing the axe with all of your youthful might
>THWACK!
>Oh fuck, that was louder than expected
>Already there's the sound of hoofbeats inside your home
>THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
>The hoofbeats approach
>You keep thwacking it like a lonely teen on prom night
>"George, what in the blazes-?!"
>THWACK!
>Crackle, thump
>Rice Crispies
>You have felled the cherry tree
>"Consarnit, George WashingtAnon! Your pappy's gonna be right mad with you when he gets home!"
"Not if I tell him you did it."
>Mistress Applejack scowls and stares you in the eye
>She approaches until you are nose-to-nose with her
>"That there's a lie. I don't care much for liars."
>Many children of your generation die before adulthood
>You gulp and silently swear not to become one of them
"Okay, I'll tell him I did it."
>"Good. Now, would you care to tell me WHY?"
"'Cause cherries are stupid?"
>She smiles and ruffles your hair with a hoof
>"I knew you listened to me! Midget apples like those oughta get put out of their misery."


Inspired by someone commenting that "laws aren't just for protecting me from you, but also for protecting you from me."
An Uncompromising Vigilante

>Be Anonymous, better known by pseudonym and real name:
>Horsechach
>No, not pronounced like 'horse cock'
>God dammit everyone makes same mistake
>Public possibly obsessed with horse penis if mistake is common
>Must investigate further
>The public, not horse penises
>Hrm
>Being vigilante harder than expected
>Too often involves dicks
>Not detective kind
>Must continue
>Streets are full of scum and other things which would make good monologue material
>Make note: metaphor about clogged gutters and flooding
>Prime source of scum, ponies
>Too friendly
>Won't leave people alone
>Pony approaches
>Light green unicorn mare, unkempt mane
>Golden harp cutie mark
>Known serial friend-maker Lyra Heartstrings
>"Hi there! How's it going, Anon?"
"Not name. Horsechach. Go away."
>"But I don't want to. I'm gonna make friends with ALL the humans."
"NOT TODAY."
>Reach into pocket in fast motion
>Retrieve spray bottle in slow motion
>Point bottle in pony's face in fast motion
>Pull trigger in super-slow motion
>Barely sprays at all
>Trigger pulled too slowly
>Pull trigger at reasonable speed
>Spray of justice and lukewarm tap water strikes foe
>"Hey!"
>Foe not deterred yet
>Continue spraying
>"Could you please not?"
>Pleas fall on deaf ears
>Spray again
>"You realize I'm used to this by now, right? Every other human does this to me."
>Lower spray bottle
>Grab foe by horn
>Pull into headlock
>"What-"
>Retrieve secret weapon
>Looks like switchblade
"YOU DON'T MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME."
>Flick open weapon
"I MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOU."
>Is actually comb
>Begin styling mane
>Brushie brushie
>"Are you going to do this every time I try?"
"Maybe. Better to keep in suspense. Brought mirror this time, like asked. Payment?"
>"Here ya go."
>Minty hoof holds up hard candy
>Likely from 'best friend'
>Take
>Eat
>Ronch ronch ronch
>Tasty
>"You chew hard candies? Wow, no offense but you're a weirdo."
"Took long enough to notice."