A Day in Dracula's Life
by Kajetokun
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Dr: Ah, 'tis the morning of my rebuff in the resurrection of Castlevania. A bit of a night for me to go out for pleasure.
De: Good morning, Dracula!
Dr: If it isn't my loyal acquaintance, Death. How goes it?
De: I made your faaaavoriiite, poooot roaaast!
Dr: Oh boy, pot roast! That so happens to be the feast which I have most delight in feasting upon!
De: How's the pot roast, Dracula?
Dr: This pot roast is delicious. How goes my investments?
De: Your investments are going wonderful, Dracula. In fact, we have all of your money in the money vault.
Dr: Splendid!
We: Ah, Dracula, Dracula!
Dr: This better be important because I am trying to enjoy my tea.
We: Th-th-- there's a Belmont in the castle!
Dr: *spit* A Belmont in the castle?! Ah shi-- goddamn-- fuck, piss, oh my God, already? Oh my God. Goddamn-- fu-- Death! Death! Help me stuff these pot roast into these candles! I can't let Ball-mont get to them! Last time I had that pot roast, he stole them! Fuckin' bastard. Oh my God, shi-- godda-- help me stuff my money into my lanterns! Belmont keeps stealing all my cash!
De: Dracula, Belmont has took down Werewolf.
Dr: Fuckin' useless-ass Werewolf! I pay that bitch so much money to take down Belmont. Th- that's it. He just lost his boss status. He's now a normal-ass enemy, just like all those Axe Armors.
De: Uh, Succubus is gone too.
Dr: What? Oh goddammit, goddammit, g-g-d-Succubus, goddammit! Goddammit! Succubus-- god-damn-it! You know, I kinda liked Succubus, too. Fuckin' ass!
De: Don't worry, Dracula, I'll take him do-- oh wait, nope, nope. Belmont's got me in a headlock. Ah, nope, no, he's using a holy weapon and oh- aw- stop, stop, ah, I'm dead.
Dr: What? Already?! Goddammit! Okay, okay. Alright, alright. Calm down, Dracula. Let's do this. Damn, I didn't have any time to learn some new moves! Okay, let's stick with what I know. Okay, fireballs. AH HA HA HA HA! Okay, okay, that's good. Okay, giant meteor. HERE IS TRUE POWER! Okay, okay, that's good. Hm, giant bat form. *fbwsh* PLAYTIME'S OVER! GRANT ME POWER! Okay, I can still do this. Okay, okay, come on, Dracula, you can do this, you can do this. M-maybe Belmont is- is off his game and the same moveset will take him down. Okay. Alright, alright, let me sit down, straighten my hair, aaand here we go.

Be: Die monster, you don't belong in this world!
Dr: It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans, who wished t-- you know what? Belmont, cut the crap, what are you doing here? Like, come on, I just woke up. Like, I was really looking forward to this day and then here you are, trying to kill me, and I just woke up, like, not even 5 minutes ago.
Be: Tribute? You steal men's souls--
Dr: What?
Be: -- and make them your slaves!
Dr: What the hell you tal-- Belmont, I didn't even say the word "tribute"! What the hell are you talking about?
Be: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!
Dr: I know! Okay, I know exactly what you're gonna say. Uh, you're not even listening to me, are you? Oh God. F-f- fine, fine. Alright, ugh. Let me just get my wine glass real quick. (beat) WHAT IS A MAN? *kssh* A miserable little pile of BULLSHIT! That's what it is, you fuckin' ass. Enough talk, have at you!

(cue a capella "Dance of Illusions" boss music)
Dr: Ho ho ho. (fireballs) Ah ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho. HERE IS TRUE POWER! (meteors) Ho ho ho. What's wrong, Belmont? I thought you had my pattern memorized by now! (fireballs) Ah ha ha ha ha!
Be: Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm! (grunts of pain from Dracula throughout) Oooohhhh! Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm!
Dr: dammit, Belmont! Stop it!
Be: Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm! (etc, assume Hydro Storm spam unless charging is indicated)
Dr: Stop it, Belmont! No seriously, it's fucking annoying.
Be: Ooooohhhh!
Dr: Are you seriously going to spam that same move over and over?
Be: Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm!
Dr: dammit, Belmont! How many arts do you have?
Be: Ooooohhhh!
Dr: Really, Belmont? Really, you're gonna be a cheap ass? This is really get-- PLAYTIME'S OVER! GRANT ME POWER!
Be: Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm! Hydro Storm! Oooooohh! Hydro Storm!
Dr: Belmont, will you fuckin' stop that? Oh my G-- I'm gonna step on your dumb ass! Raaagh!
Be: Hydro--
Dr: Pueh! Got ya, bitch!
Ma: Richter, no!
Dr: Wha- who's this bitch?
Ma: Lend him your strength!
Dr: what in the hell is this animal bullshit? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a load of bullshit! I ca-- I can't even touch you. I can't even touch you, Belmont. This is, like, not even fair. Like, I'm shooting fireballs at you and-- lemme-- *pew* yep, yeah, it doesn't work. Yep, you know I-I- I quit. I- I quit, I'm just gonna lay down, right here, go ahead and kill me. (beat) What's wrong? I said I quit. You can go ahead and kill me. Oh, oh, I get it. Oh, I get- oh. Yeah, time paradox, it has to look convincing because it's "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night". Whatever the fuck, I don't give a damn. Ugh, let me just- let me pretend I'm actually trying.
Be: Ooooohhh! Hydro Storm!
Dr: Ahhh! This cannot be! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! ...fuckin' ass.

Dr: Well, here I am, in the darkness again.
We: Hey there Dracula.
Dr: Shut the fuck up, Werewolf. I don't wanna hear it from you.