toodamnlong

okay ima go bit by bit

neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.

the reason i like my mom so well is because we barely talk. we may meet up every week or two, have an hour or 2 long discussion going over all the important things, but thats about it. i hate family dinners. i hate sitting out and watching tv with her, it feels like a violation of personal space. a lot of the past year has been me just choosing to sacrifice my time for that, just for, in my own words "her mental reassurance" that im okay when im in my room for days on end.

i do almost always choose solitary activities. in fact a big issue and a lot of my guilt comes from the fact that ill lie so i wont have to do shit. i missed 30 days in the first semester of senior year just to sit at home. when i get off work, unless ive mentally prepared all day for something, i have zero intention of being social whatsoever. and even when i would (wafflehouse) i would want it to be over as quickly as possible.

i really have no sexual interest anymore. for the past few years my relationships have been getting exponentially shorter and messy. ive began trying harder and harder to create a persona that gives them every single need they have, that i just end up hating myself and ghost or break it off. the past two girls ive had sex with ive wanted it to be over with as soon as possible. i havent cum in front of a girl since my first girlfriend, and thats likely because the development of this started about a year into our relationship. i dont want sex anymore and havent for a bit. i crave it, but im terrified of real experience and way prefer the safety of masturbation

i dont really do shit. i watch YouTube, i may read (i was reading alan watts when he mentioned this disorder), i play guitar, and then drugs, because drugs are practically effortless (and all in all, i do completely prefer solo drugs, especially weed. unless im on dex, i have never had a good experience smoking with someone. i just end up losing my tolerance for them and want them to leave so i can be alone.

i dont have my dad to confide in. every now and then sort of, but even then i dont want to ever tell him stuff, its only when i feel i have too. i have my mom though for sure. but otherwise, nah i dont have a confidant. i dont come to you with all my issues. i dont go to logan with my issues. i can use someone as a confidant, but usually if someone knows about my issues, its because theyve interrrupted the friendship (canceling plans because of something) then i feel the need to explain. dont take offense, i feel like i definitely could confide in you with anything but, its just overall i dont want to do that with anyone.

the appears indifferent piece is actually one of the contradictions in the "secret schzoid" diagnoses, and thats really only true at work, or with someone who im semi comfortable being intimate with. at home, ill just shrug if i get praise. and anytime theres criticism, i just break eye contact and stare at the floor. i lose the ability to speak. my dads said it comes across as attitude which was a shock, i thought i was conveying i was on the verge of a panic attack, but he said i just looked like i didnt care.

the emotional coldness is sppt on and is actually ellaborated on later in the article. for secret schizoids, they can function well at work, but when the personal private space is intruded in any way they shut down. to an extreme thats what was happening in yhr later part of the hotel trip. i didnt want to talk. i didnt want to be engaged. snd when you were asking me to respond, i had to get my bearings and actually figure out how to get the motivation to do so. i rememebr like probably 3 days after i moved in with megan, i never talked to her for more than 10 minutes a day max. if we smoked id leave. if we hung out, at the first cue of awkwardness or intimacy, id dip. one time she told me that someone had hit her, and i just stared at her. i didnt know what to say. she was crying, and i didnt say a word.

ive only been outwardly hostile once, and it was with my father. and even then i had no intention of violence. but it took 15 years of bullshit to get me to that point and it all came out in one go.

and, while in work settings i do pretty well st not coming across as self absorbed, absent minded, or detached, at home or with logan/his girlfriend, i think i definitely do. especially when he used to have me hang out in groups. id just shut down and sit in a corner. bro i dony even know what goals are at this point. i only think about them when someone asks me about them.

overall, i kinda knew id disagree with whatever you sent because i did read through it all but also because the reaction i had to this information last night was unreal.

i think overall, id like ti go down the path for a bit. i dont see being a schizoid as a negative thing in the slightest. in fact, it just takes the pressure off of searching endlessly for a relationship, and i feel i can just act naturally with people, because, if its not gonna work anyway why do i care? i think i can still have a working relationship, but i also think i just need the person whose really special to make it possiblle. now im not just trying to find the perfect person in everyone, i feel comfortable being sought out to an extent.