more Discord logs

10:24] palindromordnilap: Is anyopne aronud
[10:24] palindromordnilap: Fuck
[10:24] palindromordnilap: Can't even bother to tyype right
[10:24] palindromordnilap: God dammigh
[10:24] palindromordnilap: Fucknig just kill me
[10:24] Knives: hi
[10:24] palindromordnilap: Fuick off
[10:24] palindromordnilap: fucking headpats as a sertvcide over here thinking she can actually help
[10:24] palindromordnilap: can you get me back to tghe seebscord? No? DOn't think so
[10:25] palindromordnilap: Kill youerself
[10:25] palindromordnilap: @everyone just fucking diue
[10:25] palindromordnilap: I'm jsut so fuicking lonely
[10:26] palindromordnilap: @evilas fuck you
[10:26] Knives: pat
[10:26] palindromordnilap: Never actually here for me when I need to
[10:26] palindromordnilap: I kicked Knives because fuck her
[10:27] palindromordnilap: I'll just piss off evertyone and then I can die and all will be well
[10:27] evilas: What, cause I go online when @ everyone'd to see what's up and then decide that hey actually, I don't have the spoons or ability to help?
[10:28] palindromordnilap: Not just you
[10:28] palindromordnilap: Everyone here who's just fucking lurking
[10:28] palindromordnilap: probably liveblogging my gradual descent into desperation and madness on the goddamn seebscord
[10:28] palindromordnilap: I'll now kick all the offline lurkers out
[10:28] palindromordnilap: Done
[10:29] palindromordnilap: Just three people left and then I can just fucking die
[10:29] evilas: Now you need to convince 3 people that you are an awful person who should die. Which, uh. Is not gonna happen with me.
[10:30] palindromordnilap: I give it two weeks.
[10:31] palindromordnilap: With Nick, it's easy
[10:31] palindromordnilap: @Superior Knife Moth HEY NICK I'LL KILL YOUR PARENTS
[10:31] evilas: shrug
I have this weird thing where I'm pretty sure nobody should die for acting a certain way.
[10:32] palindromordnilap: cmon
[10:32] palindromordnilap: listen to seebs
[10:32] palindromordnilap: seebs is right
[10:32] palindromordnilap: I'm a narc abuser
[10:32] palindromordnilap: Those are evbil
[10:32] palindromordnilap: And they should die
[10:32] evilas: Seebs is right about what
[10:32] palindromordnilap: Shoudl Ray die? Yes
[10:32] palindromordnilap: yes he should
[10:32] palindromordnilap: sdame thing with me
[10:33] evilas: No, I'm pretty sure Ray should get some fucking therapy.
Also, I'm pretty damn sure you are not a narcissist
[10:33] palindromordnilap: well fucking ask seebs about that
[10:33] palindromordnilap: I'm a failure and a waste of oxygen anyway
[10:33] palindromordnilap: How could I make my life useful?
[10:33] palindromordnilap: Maybe by making mùy death useful instead
[10:34] evilas: How would your death be any more useful than your life
[10:34] palindromordnilap: IDK
[10:34] palindromordnilap: Shoot up an ABA therapy thing and then kill myself?
[10:34] palindromordnilap: if I get enough of them it'll be a net benefit
[10:35] evilas: I'm p sure that would be a net bad cause it'll cause people to talk about the poor therapists and those evil borderlines or something
[10:35] palindromordnilap: I'll never get any closure for anything
[10:35] palindromordnilap: No apology from seebs for the discourage bullshit
[10:36] palindromordnilap: No opportunity to talk to people on the seebscord and apologize dfor what I've done to them
[10:36] palindromordnilap: My abusers will just live a long and happy life
[10:36] palindromordnilap: Nothing will ever gety better
[10:36] palindromordnilap: What's the fucking point
[10:36] palindromordnilap: grim put it well
[10:36] palindromordnilap: "that's a you problem"
[10:36] palindromordnilap: thart is a me problem
[10:36] palindromordnilap: no one ever cazres about me problems
[10:37] palindromordnilap: it's all hopêless
[10:37] palindromordnilap: wish anyone would actuallyu just fucking kill me
[10:37] palindromordnilap: too much of a fucknig coward to do it myseklf
[10:37] palindromordnilap: help me please
[10:38] evilas: There's a difference between caring about it and doing it for you.
And no, killing you would definitely not be helping you, not in the long run
[10:38] palindromordnilap: there's no helping me in the long run
[10:38] palindromordnilap: nothing
[10:38] palindromordnilap: will
[10:38] palindromordnilap: ever
[10:38] palindromordnilap: get
[10:38] palindromordnilap: better
[10:38] palindromordnilap: what's the fucknig point
[10:38] palindromordnilap: no one cares
[10:38] palindromordnilap: no one listens
[10:38] palindromordnilap: no one believes me
[10:38] palindromordnilap: fucking ask grim!
[10:38] palindromordnilap: apparently every time I try to advocate for myself it maeks people tryust me less
[10:38] palindromordnilap: just fucking KILL ME
[10:41] palindromordnilap: I hatye it
[10:41] palindromordnilap: i hate my brain i hate my life i hate e eertything
[10:41] palindromordnilap: i hate how i try to stay calm and then everything is awful and everyone hates me anjd i juist want to fucking die
[10:41] palindromordnilap: please help me
[10:41] palindromordnilap: i want it to stop
[10:44] evilas: I don't know how to make it stop right now.
What I can say is that not everyone hates you, many people who you think hate you don't hate you, they just don't want to hang out with you, and of the people who do hate you, most hate you because your brain decided that you didn't deserve them not hating you and you did shit to make them hate you on purpose
[10:44] palindromordnilap: Yeah well that's fucking great
[10:44] palindromordnilap: And it will never stop
[10:44] palindromordnilap: Nothing ever gets better
[10:44] evilas: Why
[10:44] palindromordnilap: So
[10:45] palindromordnilap: Please
[10:45] palindromordnilap: Arghhhhh
[10:45] palindromordnilap: Fuck this
[10:45] palindromordnilap: should hjave just stayed home with my parents until one of them couldn't handle it and killed me
[10:45] palindromordnilap: would have been so much easier
[10:46] evilas: No. I'm absolutely sure it would've been even more hell than you're going through rn
[10:46] palindromordnilap: I deserve that anyway
[10:46] palindromordnilap: Wouldn't have hrut more pêople
[10:46] palindromordnilap: I keep hurting everyone
[10:46] palindromordnilap: My brain fights me every single step of the way towards not donig that
[10:46] palindromordnilap: And towards advocating for myself
[10:47] palindromordnilap: That won't sto
[10:47] palindromordnilap: p
[10:47] palindromordnilap: I won't get better
[10:47] palindromordnilap: What's the point
[10:49] evilas: Getting to a place where you can get a therapist that's actually good, that you can go consistently, getting to a point where you can actually get a job programming somewhere
[10:50] palindromordnilap: I do'nt even want a programming job
[10:50] palindromordnilap: uit's just a thing I can do
[10:50] palindromordnilap: Not even that really
[10:50] palindromordnilap: I can't code for shit
[10:50] evilas: ??
[10:50] palindromordnilap: I always wanted to get into biology
[10:50] evilas: Oh?
[10:50] palindromordnilap: byut my brain is just constantly fighting me and everyone i love
[10:50] palindromordnilap: now i just wanna have a justification for giving up
[10:51] palindromordnilap: i can't fulfill all the promises i made
[10:51] palindromordnilap: i'll never be able to
[10:51] palindromordnilap: i'm a complete failure no matter what so just let me fucking die and get this over with
[10:52] palindromordnilap: everything will continue to suck but that wxill never change and can never change
[10:52] evilas: You can't fulfill all the promises you made. And that sucks. Doesn't make you a complete failure.
You want a justification for giving up? Fair.
I'm not gonna give you one.
[10:52] evilas: Cause I think you shouldn't
[10:53] palindromordnilap: so what's the point of being alive being alive os jkust more suffering in this world and n,ot beign alive is less suffgering and just fucking kill me i just want to die right now please help me find a way
[10:53] evilas: Sorry Alix. I won't help you die.
[10:53] palindromordnilap: I WXILL NEVER BE AVBLE TO FUCKING FGIX MY BRAIN AND NOT BE A COMPLETE MONSTER TO PEOPLE
[10:53] palindromordnilap: AND BEING A MONSTER TO PEOPLE MAKES THEM BE MONSTERS TO ME AND IT4S JUSTIFIED
[10:54] palindromordnilap: SO IT4S DOUBLE THE SUFFERING BY ME STILL BEING ALVIE
[10:54] palindromordnilap: @everyone KILL ME
[10:54] palindromordnilap: There's got to be a way
[10:54] palindromordnilap: i'm asknig grim too
[10:55] palindromordnilap: they'll be more supportive they think i'm evil now
[10:56] evilas: They're either gonna help you out or tell you to look elsewhere and block you.
[10:56] evilas: Not wrt killing you btw
[10:56] palindromordnilap: NO ONE CAN ACTUALLTY HELP
[10:56] evilas: I mean wrt helping you not be in hellpain rn
[10:57] palindromordnilap: seebs sopent three fucking years constantly trying to help
[10:57] palindromordnilap: look where that got them
[10:57] palindromordnilap: they hate me now
[10:57] palindromordnilap: like actually hate me
[10:58] evilas: I have... Not been keeping up, sorry.
[10:58] palindromordnilap: yeah well seebs hates me now basically
[10:58] palindromordnilap: jesse kinda does too
[10:58] palindromordnilap: so what's the point
[10:58] palindromordnilap: fuck
[10:59] palindromordnilap: look at where i was this time last year
[10:59] palindromordnilap: it was good! actually good!
[10:59] palindromordnilap: and then it all wernt to shit
[10:59] palindromordnilap: andf i lied actually
[10:59] palindromordnilap: it was not actually good
[10:59] palindromordnilap: i haven't been happy since right bhefore the drama in early 2017
[10:59] palindromordnilap: i had friends i had people talking to me i hadf someopne who loved me
[10:59] palindromordnilap: that's all gone
[10:59] palindromordnilap: i have nothing
[10:59] palindromordnilap: and it's for the best because i'm just a monster
[11:02] palindromordnilap: i just wanna do anything it takes to just fucking either fix my brain ands not be a complete monster or just fucking die
[11:02] evilas: You aren't just a monster cause nobody's just a monster but w/e
Yeah. You were a dick to people and they were dicks to you right back and now you lost your support group.
That sucks. I know.
And.... I don't have any way to make this hurt less rn.
[11:03] evilas: I know how much you're hurting. I'm sorry I can't make it hurt less.
[11:04] palindromordnilap: can you at least do one thing
[11:04] palindromordnilap: I'd like people on the seebscord to know that I'm sorry for everything I've done to them
[11:05] palindromordnilap: and that i'm trying to do anythnig it takes not to be so abusive anymore, but that it's just incredibly hard for no obvious reason aside from my brain being awful
[11:05] evilas: I can tell them that.
[11:05] palindromordnilap: thank you
[11:06] palindromordnilap: every tuime i ask anyone else to do that they tell me it makes me even more evil because i'm violating boundaries, but
[11:06] palindromordnilap: idk
[11:06] palindromordnilap: i just want them to know i know just how horrible i am and i'm sorry
[11:09] evilas: I think saying "I know how horrible I am" won't help. So I won't say that, how about "how horrible I've been to you"?
[11:09] palindromordnilap: yeah
[11:09] palindromordnilap: how horrible i can get
[11:09] palindromordnilap: problem is, that's what really matters isn't it
[11:09] palindromordnilap: not the good days
[11:09] palindromordnilap: the days where i am an absolute fucking monster
[11:09] palindromordnilap: and that's fair
[11:09] evilas: You aren't an absolute monster
[11:09] palindromordnilap: i wouldn't want to interact with me on my worst days
[11:09] evilas: Even in your bad days
[11:10] evilas: Even on your worst days
[11:10] palindromordnilap: i would literally fucking try to kill me on a bad day
[11:10] evilas: You're still you
[11:10] evilas: You're just you but in a lot of pain
[11:10] palindromordnilap: so what
[11:10] palindromordnilap: i can't make the pain stop
[11:10] palindromordnilap: i can't ignore it
[11:10] palindromordnilap: so
[11:13] palindromordnilap: what did you tell them
[11:16] evilas: I said that you wanted to say here that you're sorry, that it really felt heartfelt, and that you said "I know how horrible I can get and I'm sorry about everything I've done to you".
And that you specifically asked if I could relay the message to there.
[11:17] palindromordnilap: thank you
[11:17] palindromordnilap: do you have anything else to do or not enough spoons or
[11:18] evilas: Not enough spoons and should go to sleep
[11:18] palindromordnilap: Okay
[11:18] palindromordnilap: I'll try to figure out something to do now
[11:18] evilas: That's a good idea
[11:18] evilas: Good luck, Alix
[11:19] evilas: And maybe reinvite Knives if you want
[11:19] evilas: Night