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  2. kayleeLast Saturday at 3:05 PM
  3. it was sort of mean but that’s fine
  4. what did Kyouko say?
  5. but besides that
  6. my head is kind of clear right now
  7. so
  8. I’m sorry for being selfish and mostly leaving you in the dark for the better part of a month
  9. I process things really slowly and it takes me a long time to come to most decisions
  10. this one was very important to me so I wanted to amply think everything over
  11. if I leave you, I know I’ll be ungodly jealous the second you’re with someone else, and I’ll have a hard time talking to you at that point
  12. regardless of everything, you’re probably my best friend. up there with Pat.
  13. I don’t want animosity or to lose you as a part of my life but I really have to do what’s best for me
  14. from everything I’ve heard from other people, you haven’t really taken the break as an impetus to try and curb bad habits or work on your mental healthy
  15. just more distractions and substances
  16. I’m honestly horrified that if I’m not around to encourage you that you’ll keep up the drinking and smoking and end up dropping out of school and then you’d have to go back to Whitehorse and I know that’d probably ruin you
  17. the high parts of being with you were probably some of the happiest moments of my life thus far, but the low parts were also literally some of the lowest. There were times I felt like I was 16 and on the verge of suicide again.
  18. I can’t really imagine being with someone else and I don’t really think I want to be with anyone else but the way that you are now you are unhealthy for me
  19. I know I’ve made mistakes, I sure as hell ain’t perfect, but I didn’t cheat on you. I never legitimately made you worry for my life. I didn’t invite friends over and not really tell you what we were up to.
  20. I don’t think things can be just a “break” right now
  21. I’m not magical, I can’t fix everything for you, even if I come back
  22. You really, really need to want it for yourself
  23. To be better
  24. You constantly try and correct your bad behaviors, which is good, that’s a good step
  25. But I don’t think you’ve yet to address the causes of those issues and grappled with them in your own head
  26. If you’re incapable of it, you need to seriously let a therapist dig into them with you and help you process things. Only way to do that is to be 100% honest with them about everything that goes on in your head and in your apartment.
  27. I’m rambling a bit but
  28. I really do love you, I want the best for you
  29. I tried my absolute hardest to try and help
  30. I think leaving will be one of the largest regrets of my life if I have to watch you be healthy and successful with someone else
  31. I’d rather see that than watch you be miserable over me while I’m indecisive
  32. All of my emotions tell me to stay with you, but I’d probably end up cutting again or worse if I kept feeling like I was feeling
  33. So I’ve got to listen to my rational self-care side for once when it comes to you
  34. Yeah
  35. You kept telling me to give you an answer so you could decide whether to immediately go fuck someone else and replace me, or wait for me
  36. I feel like if you really wanted to wait, I wouldn’t have to give you an answer
  37. So go enjoy other people I guess
  38. I’ll probably be pretty silent for a while
  39. I’m not good with jealousy and I will be jealous
  40. You’re mine in my head, even if you haven’t been for a long time in reality
  41. and please don’t go around telling people I cheated on you or mistreated you Taylor. you know me. you know I didn’t do either of those things.
  42. I’m not perfect but I tried harder for you than I’ve tried for anyone in my life.
  43. Debt, emotional distress, scars, potentially my old job, some friend ships. I sacrificed a lot because I wanted what was best for you/us. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat too.
  44. My thoughts are becoming more disjointed as I try to communicate them, so I apologize for that
  45. Anyway
  46. It’s not a break anymore at this point
  47. Maybe it’ll be a really long one, because if you can genuinely get yourself to a healthy mental state I would fucking kill to be with you and see it
  48. But I don’t foresee you being stuck on me for more than maybe a month
  49. I do love you
  50. I want you to be happy and finish school and get to make music and cool audio for something you’re passionate about
  51. Please do your best to do all of those things
  52. and please don’t do anything stupid or cut me off
  53. I’ll always be here if you need me
  54. Just give me a little to recover
  55. This break hasn’t been easy on me by any means
  56. I’ve been breaking down at least once a day
  57. I’ve been trying to distract myself but boy is it hard :)
  58. So yeah
  59. That’s it I guess
  60. Respond whenever you can
  61. Sober please
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