We Were Soldiers

>be me, bonky
>heretofore we have had our challenges
>we have faced adversity
>but nothing like this
>pickle horse-man is wearing jorts.
>i just walked out my room this morning
>and there he was
>oblivious
>shameless
>like adam set upon the garden
>now, I am a horse.
>and we do things in a certain way
>the horse way
>and in that moment
>i wanted to dash the life out of him like a newborn foal on a sunny day in 2017
>but when among the horse-men you have to account for their natural deficiencies
>they have special needs
>and we have to be understanding
>so i tried to play off it
>'ha-hah' i said, 'drop those jorts, cowboy'
>'wut' he said, sucking a puddle of milk up off the table with a straw
>'i just think it would be funny if we had a no pants day today, like old times'
>'uhh, no. i'm good.'
>of course he would say that
>but he is not good
>nothing is good.
>i try another tact
>i grab the orange juice from the fridge
>i make like i'm trying to open it
>i squeeze the carton so it bursts all over him
>'oops!'
>'you're covered in orange juice'
>'looks like you'll have to go and change'
>'ha-hah' he says, 'i'm good. i was just going to go sewer spelunking today anyway.'
>i can't let him be seen in the sewers spelunking in jorts
>i have to live and work in those sewers throughout much of the year
>i have to put him down
>now you'd think we'd have a weapon handy
>but pickle horse-man sent off all our weapons to his friends on twitter
>just so they could have them and hold them and look at them and admire them
>and he included return packaging and postage all expenses paid
>so we're briefly embarrassed with regards to weaponry
>and you might think i could use something else as a weapon
>but all our non-weapons that could be weaponized he also briefly sent them away
>to be certified by an expert as the objects that they are
>and so they could receive a rating owed to the type of object and their respective manufacturer
>and you might think i could just pry off a part of the house and use that as a weapon
>but the house was actually sent away to a fair
>the blue-ribbon state fair for houses
>so you might think that i could simply attack him and kill him with my superior horse strength
>but there is no me
>i was sent away
>gone
>like a bubble trailing in the wind
>bursting
>and folding back into itself
>i never existed
>never at all
>jorts.