Thread 91: Stories 46-60

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 >32
"88"
'77'
-Cheerilee-

>...soooo...

"Yyyyup."

>Mhm.

"Oh yeah."

>I actually was only going here first on a list, you know.

"I figured as much."

>Just a sort of...y'know, tour. To help illustrate a certain point.

"And that was?"

>...I'd rather not say with the legions of hell all around.

"Coy asshole."

>Well it's kind of...not exactly a state secret but...well I don't want to just blurt it out.

"How big we talking here? Like is this a 'Queen talking like a supervillain when she's really gonna get you a pizza' secret or 'Crystal Empire's happiness is powered via child sacrifice'?"

>...Erm...

"No one is just that happy. No one."

>Let's say closer to the latter but it's a good kind of secret.

"Great, so in the interest of getting this show on the road. HEY! YOU TWO REALIZE YOU CONSUMMATE THE MARRIAGE *AFTER* IT HAPPENS, RIGHT!?

'-BUGGER OFF!-'

GRAWR!

>WHATDIDISAYABOUTTAUNTING!?

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 >Guard
"Chitania"
'Sweet Note'
[13]
~~~~~

>Okay, so, I know you uh... you probably are not our biggest fan right now.

"Rmrmnmm."

>Annnd there's certainly no reason to help.

'Stop barkin' up that tree, honey, she ain't comin' down.'

>But I would like to gesture to the giant swaths of robots currently terrorizing us. Robot you, very easily I need to stress, could destroy.

[Not gonna work.]

>Let me again stress this, destroying them all would not even be a problem for you. You would literally not have to try before wiping out every single one of them with nary a care. Just you thinking about it would wipe out half of them.

'She knows, oh darlin' she knows, she just don't care.'

>You have, in those hooves, the power to make this a fucking breeze, to make that whole army die in one solid swing. You could, really easily, solve this problem. Now I know, fight, battle, hurt, angry, litigation, all that stuff I get it, but right now ponies are in trouble, and you, you alone, could really easily save them without any major damage or injuries, so please, for the love of Celestia, use that obscene power and wipe them all out.

"..."

>...

"...rmrmrm."

'That means no.'

[Yeah, that's a no.]

>OH COME ON!

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Luna"
'Cadence'
[DT]
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but things aren't always as planned!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu1LCUJMnF0
A herd of shadowy blob creatures with hooves rapidly crawls down a maze like hall.
"LUNAR BLADE"
Luna cuts down on a shadow it's split by a pillar of light.
*GWOOOSH*

'I won't miss! PASSION ARROW!'
She fires an arrow that critically hits a second shadow creature.
*KSSH*

[Why are you shouting attacks?]
She fires TBDRLIATU.
*BOOOM*
It hits multiple shadows in the blast.

"Thy attacks are more concentrated when thou shouts it."

>Plus it's fun! Suddenly Cannon!
Pinkie pulls out a cannon firing a box present hitting another creature
*DOINK*
An item bounces back towards Pinkie.
>Ooooh, this one's an HP/MP elixir. Time for an all out attack!

They all jump into a big cloud of chaotic fighting.
*BIFF BAFF FSH FWOOSH POW KRK*
When the smoke clears all the shadows evaporate.
*GRWOOOG*
'This is a great experience!'

[Hey, I found something...oh it's only money.]

"Excellent. We've managed to clear out the first level and secured our exit."

'That was only the first level!?!'

>Of course, it's part of our quest to level grind our way to the boss!

A pony in a black trench coat and hood covering his muzzle in a mask walks up to the group. His eyes are red and yellow.
{Hello, stranger. What are ya buying?}

>Who's that?

{I've got a selection of good things on sale, stranger.}
He reveals a large amount of items and weapons.

"Oh, it's a dream Sherpa. These wandering traders are fascinating because-"

>SKIP TEXT!

"..."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Cadence'
~~

>...

"...SAY IT."

>...How do they make the gold? They can't be around fires, so-

"First, they take the sturdiest of their children, then-"

>STOP STOP STOP! What is WRONG with you!?

"What?"

>What do you mean, what!? This is the worst thing I've ever heard every time! Why are you so dark with this!?

"Because it makes you react."

>You just want to see a reaction out of me!? That's it!? That's why you come up with these weird, fucked up, terrifying scenarios to explain game contrivances!? I get it, I get that it's just a narrative loophole you're not supposed to think about, but you really have to go to such lengths!? WHY!?

"Because you're cute when your eyes go that wide."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...heh.

"Hee hee."

>Oh, Cadence. I love you.

"Oh, Shining... Love you too."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~~~~~

They had gathered.

Two massive armies, sprawling in their grandeur, as different as they were terrifying.

On the one side, the chill of ice swept through the crowed. Thick mists of breath hanging thick in the air above. Beasts of white fur and glacial bodies rumbled and shifted as they stared down their opponents with ice cold, dead eyes.

On the other, heat so searing as to cook the bones from skin rolled above the swaths of red, lumbering creatures. Scales and exposed muscly skin ripples as steam eternally rolled off their heated forms, ready and waiting to unleash the inner flames bubbling beneath the surface of every one.

To any, they would be a terrifying, imposing army... were it not for some key points of interest.

Specifically, all those on the side of ice were dressed in fancy, if slightly overly shiny clothing reminiscent of a parade, and those on the other side were swathed in spandex and giant, oversized armor of a frankly garish design.

Both sides, equally, had the same reaction.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?.... Wait, is that... oh heyyyyyyyy!"

Their synchronized speeches would have been unsettling if the far more unsettling things were not staring awkwardly at one another while towering over the two groups.

Unperturbed, they stepped forwards. The lord of fire on one side, the lady of ice on the other. Both sides were flanked by a host of their traveling companions, but one side noticed something was... missing.

"Hey, where's-"

"HOLY CRAP, POINDEXTER!?"

Applejack's questioning would have to wait. For Cadence, of course being carried out like some tyrannical ruler on a giant slab of gold, was a far greater focus of interest.

"AAHHHAHAHAHAH! Soooo! You too managed to CONQUER your foe, and gain her power!?"

"...Why the fuck are you talking like that?"

Chrysalis, though crass as always, did manage to voice everyone's opinion quite well.

Pinkie, of course, voiced her own reply as she was wont to do.

In limerick.

"Ohhhhh~ we beat the guy of fire and smoke~ But then came a magic that was no joke! It infused with Poindexter lickety split~ and then our eyes we couldn't believe it~ he became the new guy huge and tall~ But baby believe that's not all!~ He now commands the army and we joined to~ Cause let's face it it's a game and there's nothing else to doooooo~ FIRELORD POINDEXTER!"

As always, Shining Armor was needed to be the pillar of sanity.

"...Thank you for that. So! Uh... good job, buddy! Real proud of you, knew you could do it!"

He had hoped the nerdy one would at least not glare at him. The eye twitch was close enough.

"HAH! Fucking Poindexter!? POINDEXTER!? Come the fuck on! HAHAHAH!"

"Chrysalis, don't be mean."

Celestia's chiding lost a bit of it's bite when they noticed her own corner of her lip twitching ever so slightly.

"...hee hee."

"Eighteen, stop."

To her credit, Forty Two had no such hidden giggles as she chided her own friend.

"Yeeeeah, we kinda... kinda were confused too. Ain't really what we expected."

"Though, we must sadly point out that he's been less... uh... destructive since taking over."

"Way less destructive... I have set so many on fire."

"Hence why it's way worse."

"Dash, I worry about you sometimes."

"PONY PRIDE, FLUTTERSHY! I just have pony pride!"

"But back on topic, while Ah' am really confused it picked Cadence, Ah'm kinda stuck on noticin' a lot of ya'll are dressed really weird."

"Really, um... revealing."

"I mean, damn! Look at you guys!"

"WOOO! SHAKE IT SHINY!"

Everyone, absolutely everyone, be they pony or changeling or dragon or giant monster on either side turned their attention to Pinkie Pie.

"...I stand by it."

"A-HEM!"

Attention, once more, returned to the side of ice.

"I'll have you know that I was picked by the Ice Witch personally, and I am really awesome at this, even better than back at home!"

"...heehee..."

Her eye twitched, but she ignored the previously nerdy, currently fiery, pony.


"No, really, I have! I've been commanding everyone, I've been making good use of time, I've been doing way better than I normally do!"

"...pffftttt..."

Again, to her credit, Cadence did little more than huff a bit when Poindexter puffed out his cheeks like a pufferfish.

"...A-HEM! Lord of Fire! Since we CLEARLY know each other, and you are not the enemy that we thought, we should... we should..."

He just kept twitching, just kept looking like he was about to break any second.

"...we should not fight and... WHAT IS SO FUNNY!?"

She could take no more, and neither could he. He collapsed into fits of laughter so intense, he could barely breath.

"WHAT!?"

"AHHAAHA! Y-YOU! YOU TRYING TO BE AHAHAHAHAAHA!"

She had thought she could be no more insulted.

And yet, when Applejack let out a small 'heh', that was quickly put to rest.

"WHAAAAT!?"

"Aw, come on now Sugar Cube, don't be like that. Jus' kinda funny that YOU, outta all of them... Ah' mean, come on, it's you. It's YOU."

"WHAT!?'

"Just sayin', as far as commandin' an army goes, well...."

"...don't you dare."

"Ah'm just sayin', on track record alone, as far as bein' in charge like that goes, welllllll..."

"Don't. You. DARE."

Applejack and the others on her side shared a look, hers and Poindexters hanging the longest.

Just before they could answer, the world began to rumble, and a voice filled all their ears.

"AND LOW, DID THE ARMIES OF FIRE AND ICE DOTH MEET! BUT BEHOLD, FOR TIS NOT THE FOES THEY SOUGHT, BUT THEIR FRIENDS! SO, WITH NO DESIRE TO FIGHT, THINE JOURNEY SURELY ENDS!... BUT WAIT, FROM OVER THERE, IT-"

"AUNTIE LUNA SHUT THE *FUCK* UP."

The world grew still, and there was nothing but silence.

"..Say it."

"Ya'll don't wanna hear it-"

"Say. It."

"HAHAHAH! Pleeease, you'd just-"

"SAY. IT."

They didn't, even though it was pointedly clear in their eyes what they were thinking, they never said it.

That honor went to Spike the dragon.

"...Chrysalis would be a better choice."


The world grew colder than the inside of the north pole.

And it had absolutely nothing to do with magic.

The princess ignored the uneasy stares from her allies, slowly inhaling in deep breaths through her nostrils. It did little to stifle the blush of red creeping across her cheeks, or the heat beginning to form in her head.

And then it was just... gone.

Like something had snapped, popped like a balloon, gone like the wind.

It might have something to do with the loud, booming cackle from the tallest changeling in the room.

It, in fact, probably had everything to do with that.

For while the others on that side braced themselves for Cadence to lose her mind and the Queen to hurl insults and perhaps other stuff towards the princess, those on the side of ice knew better, and braced themselves for something much, much different.

"HAH! That's funny... okay, Luna! Next part, hurry up before they start crying-"

"THEY!?"

"Is she talking about us!?"

She rolled her head slowly, that grin still splitting her face as she looked to the 'heroes' on the side of fire.

"Oh, damn, they didn't even see it... Luna? Hurry up before they catch on!"

"Catch on to what!?"

"The fuck are you talking about!?"

She sighed theatrically, stepping out in front of them, looking over all of them with a keen, sharp eye.

"Oh, come on, you're going to make me say it?"

"Ah' think we are, actually."

"You really do want me to say it?"

"No, please, Bugbitch, come out and say it."

"Hmmm... no, I don't think I will."

Coyly, she hopped back over to her side, trotting without a care, without a thought. She would have made it all the way back, for sure.

If a wall of fire hadn't thrown itself in her way, of course.

"...going to be like that, are you?"

Poindexter, for once, looked deadly serious, yet never once lost that twitching smile on his lips.

"...Very well..."

She turned her head, looking back over her shoulder with utter, comically smug contempt.


"Please stop being so bitter, I know it's hard to accept that we accomplished more than you, but it's just a game. No need to be sad that..."

The Queen didn't finish.

Fortunately, someone was there to pick up the slack.

"That Cadence is far better than any of you at this."

There was a reason Forty Two was her favorite.

"... Do you really think that? If so, you're as stupid as her."

There was also a reason that Poindexter wasn't on her favorites list.

"THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!?"

All of them, every one on the side of ice stepped forwards. Not a one stood still, nor did any single one have a look on their face that was anything but 'anger'.

"NO, DO REPEAT, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY WIFE!?"

"Did you just call Cadence stupid!? My niece is far smarter than you could ever dream of!'

"You listen here you pencil dicked pimple faced invert, if you had one TENTH what she has right now, maybe you wouldn't be such a loser PRETENDING to have any sort of power!"

"Hrmph, why are we even entertaining this idiot? We should be hitting him... a lot"

This, as every seasoned Dungeon Mistress knows, is the exact moment when you deescalate a situation, when you throw something in the way to bring the parties together, when you turn that anger at something more productive, more substantial and rewarding.

But, sadly, a seasoned mistress, Luna was not.

And, just as sadly, if Pennydrop had become more excited she was bound to break her chair in half, and would be of no help.

So there was no time to think, no time to form a plan, before the first blast was thrown. And when it was, Luna knew that, for once this was in fact...

All her fault.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

The world grew still as an ice ogre stared at the blade piercing his chest, watched as the life slowly drained from him, and he vanished.

Everyone else was far more focused on the huffing, twitching dragon who had thrown that blade.

"I get tricked into setting fire to babies, end up causing a ton of genocide, get cursed armor, get turned undead, then I get passed over for the freaking FIRELORD powerup even though I'M A GODDAMN DRAGON, and now, and nooowwww, you're saying Cadence, CADENCE, is better than me at this game!? Fuck you, she didn't know what the fuck the board was a few months ago! SHE ASKED WHAT I WAS! No FUCKING way are we, US, WORSE THAN CADENCE! I AM NOT COMING IN SECOND TO CADENCE!"

"Yeah! No way! We're ten thousand trillion times more awesome than that airhead!"

"I'm the superior pink pony and everyone knows it!"

"Um... this is kinda-"

"And there ain't no buckin' way we're puttin' up with this fer' one more second!"

"NO! WAY!"

Through their cheers, Poindexter just... smiled.

Smiled wide, and happy.

The die had been cast.

...Just as he had wanted it to be.

"Oh, so you think you're on our level!? We're a hundred times the players you are!"

"WE'RE A THOUSAND BILLION TRILLION ZILLION QUINTILLION INFINITY PLUS BLADE BETTER!"

"The hell you are!"

What followed next was expected, and deliciously drawn out from the nerdy, previously spindly thing.

"CHARGE MY MINIONS, CHARRRGGE!"

The next part was far less expected, but no less amazing.

"RELEASE... THE BERSERKER!"

From a hidden cage in the back, the clang of metal rang out as a wall of iron fell away. From within the depths of that cage, came the growl, came the roar.

Came the anger.

She exploded from the darkness, and into the fire did she dive, axe of hate hoisted above her head and ready to swing.

"RARRRRRRRRGARBLE!"

So, they all noticed, that's where Twilight had been.

The armies met.

The battle was on.

And there was nothing, nothing at all, that Luna could do but watch in horror.

"...This isn't not what we planned at all."

"I know..."

Inside her office, Pennydrop drank it all... in...

"...It's perfect..."

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>Spike
"Fluttershy"
~~~~~

"...You worry that this escalated too much?"

>BURN IT ALLLLLLL BURN THEM TO THE GROUND BURN THEM BEFORE US TAKE THEIR SOULS DEVOUR THEIR BODIES EAT THEIR HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTS!

"Just wanted a second opinion."

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>Spike
"Fluttershy"
~~~~~

"...You worry that this escalated too much?"

>BURN IT ALLLLLLL BURN THEM TO THE GROUND BURN THEM BEFORE US TAKE THEIR SOULS DEVOUR THEIR BODIES EAT THEIR HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTS!

"Just wanted a second opinion."

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>Rarity
"Dash"
'Pinkie'
~~~~~

>Dash? Darling? Are you, uh... are you okay? You seem irritated.

"I'M NOT WORSE THAN FREAKING CADENCE! SCREW YOU! I'M GOOD AT MY JOB! I'M REALLY GOOD AT MY JOB! MY JOB IS AWESOME! SCREW YOU! SCREW YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!'

>...Rainbow Dash?

'Shhhh, she's venting. This is healthy.'

>This does not seem remotely healthy.

'Hey, I'll have you know I have a degree in psychotic!'

>Don't you mean psychiatry?

'The heck is psychiatry?'

>...This was supposed to be a relaxing day...

"I'M NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

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>Chrysalis
"Celestia"
~~~

>HAH!

"Don't laugh, this is all horrible!"

>The fuck it is!

"We're fighting our friends!"

>I literally only like Fluttershy and Pinkie from over there, that is two out of seven. I like all six of you guys. By sheer calculation of odds, me fighting them is one third me fighting with you guys.

"...This is why you have so few friends."

>And how many do you have?

".......shut up."

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>Colstly
"Janitor"

>Oh this has gone so horribly.

"..."

>Seriously, even with the guard and the changelings helping, the property damage alone is going to be astronomical! If only we'd thought of tiny figurines being able to physically hijack our droids!

"..."

>Oh no, was that a child that went running by!? Please don't get hurt! Run quickly but carefully! You could trip and break something. Oh Faust, oh Faust, I think I'm having a panic attack!

"..."

>So much time spent building good will, now we'll be lucky if our customers buy a pocket watch off of us.

"..."

>I...I...where are you going?

The unicorn blinked as the scruffy pegasus walked across the street, disappearing into Coltsly Security Solutions.

>...uh, sir? Sir? Did...did I do something wrong?

Creak...creak...creakcreakcreakcreak...

Coltsly tilted her head as slowly the pegasus exited the building...

>Oh...oh my, great idea!

"Thank you."

...trailing a small red wagon piled high with phials glowing an electric blue, the caps molded into a lightning shape. On the side of the wagon was a simple scrawl:

Free Samples.

>Let's go save a city!

"Mhm."

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>42
"18"
~~~~~~

>AAAAATATATATATATATATATATTAATTATAAAAAAAATATATTATATATATA.... WHA-CHO!

"Forty Two? Can you be honest with me? Bug to bug here."

>No, I don't know why I'm saying that, there's no reason to actually do it, it makes no sense to do it, but I'm doing it anyway. Do not question it.

"Not questioning it... even though I really should. No, what I'm curious of is... did you, like, want this to happen?"

>What, did I want a grand, dual army battle to break out instead of the mild huffing or complaining that normally would happen, ensuing that I would be allowed to vent my inner feelings and desires to see chaos reign? Do you really think I would subconsciously, deliberately, wish for battle to come forth so that I may be free to fight as I wish, as I have totally disconnected the real life of our friends from the fictional characters they embody? Do you really think I would be so battle hungry, so starved for fights inside of this simulator as we once had, that I would allow this to reach this point? Do you really think this of me?

"..."

>...

"...N-no?"

>Then you need to stop being in denial, AAAAATATATTATATATATATATATATATATAAAAAAA!

"...you scare me sometimes."

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>Twilight
"Pinkie"
~~~~

>RARRRRRGARBLE!

"GAH! Stop swinging! Stop! Stop stop stop stop-"

>GRRRR!

"T-Twi? Twi old buddy old pal? It's me! Your old bardy Pinkie!... See what I did there?"

>...

"..."

>...

"...heh."

>RAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

"WORTH IIIIITTT!"

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>42
"Rarity

>Eat this! ATATTATAATATATATATA!

Clunk clunk clunk clunk.

>...

"...you realize as an Ironshod I have a natural AC bonus, yes?"

>...

THWACK!

>GAH! BI DOSE! YEW BROG BI DOSE!

"This will be fuuuuun~"

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>42
"Rarity"
'??'
[???]
~~~~

>OW!.... OW!... OW!...OW!

"Really, this is just amusing to me to watch. I don't even have to hurt you."

>HOW!? Fucking how!? I put every single drop of stats into STR! No Armor Class is that high!

"It is if you pay attention, darling."

WHAM!

>SON OF A BITCH!

"Now, hold still, and I'm going to..."

>...

"...I'm going to go over there and beat the shit out of Dash!"

'Wait wha-"

CRACK!

'MY SPIIIIIINE! OH FUCK RARITY NO-'

BOOM!

'THIS HURTS SO MUCH!'

POP!

'THAT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO THERE!... THAT'S IT!'

pff.

'Oh, right, armor class is-DEAR CELESTIA NO!'

CRUNCH!

>...Not that I'm complaining, but why?

[Max out one area, you min out another. In this case, magical resistance.]

>...Magical resistance tooo...

Watching the carnage, Eighteen smiled.

[Enchanting.]

>Oh... neat.

[Dance puppet, dance.]

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Chrysalis
"Fluttershy"
~~~~

>...

"..."

>...So uh... this is super awkward.

"..."

>Was hoooping not to fight, like, one of the two I actually like.

"..."

>...I'm just gonna mix up with someone else, is that okay?

"Sure."

>Cool cool...

"..."

>...Having fun?

"Been a blast."

>Yeah, great, cool... cool.

"..."

>Please stop staring.

"No."

>Okay...

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