"Our Little Getaway" is a song by Linkin Park

Sep 17th, 2012
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  1. >wizardry.
  3. Female magi are usually called witches, and their magic is called witchcraft.
  5. >My baby isn't grown up just yet.
  7. I kind of hope this doesn't become a recurring theme, since I came into this expecting Hisao, Hanako, Shizune, Misha, and a kid. I don't like it when authors eschew those familiar concepts and characters for the sake of development between the narrator and Original the Character *DO NOT STEAL*.
  9. >even if I have to go get on a plane to get to my destination.
  11. The word "get" is one of the most worst words you can use in any situation.
  13. >disappointingly, places a kiss
  15. The word "disappointingly" one made me think for a while. Shizune was the one who kept the relationship from happening in the first place, and just a couple of lines ago, she mentioned using the term "girlfriend" as away to get what she wants. I understand that the whole point is that she now sees Misha in a different light, but this lovey-dovey attitude is not something I see her doing easily. The same stands true for that hug earlier, which I was willing to accept as a one-off until I noticed this recursion.
  17. >to which burn an angry glare into her face.
  19. This doesn't sound right. I think it's the usage of "TO which" followed by "inTO"
  21. >The stuff about getting up early
  23. This seems very Shizoon-ey (see what I did there?), so good job on that. But like I said, romantic Shizune doesn't sit right with me, and you kinda used the getting-up-early stuff to segue into "I wanna be awake so I can wuv you and cuddle wif you more, Misha".
  25. >something she has a tendancy to use in almost
  27. tendency
  29. >She writes and scribbles out a bunch of words
  31. I noticed a lot of indecisiveness in the birthday fic as well. Is this something she normally does in her own route? Shizune seems like she'd make sure that her notes come out perfect the first time, even when she's flustered.
  35. It's seeming to me like every scene with Shizune ends up with some miscommunication or something, and then someone gets their feelings hurt and then gets comforted. I believe I've counted 3 at the time of writing this (although I think one was a red herring), and it seems more like it's supposed to be cute than realistic. Real friends can joke around and be assholes without offending eachother, and furthermore, each of those apologies ends up dragging out the prose more and more without getting to the action.
  37. >"You know I'm not a big fan of h-heights. Just promise you'll hold my hand during takeoff?"
  39. Two comments here. And they actually intertwine in a way. In the Grid1 version of KS, Hanako was an avid climber. She loved heights. And the fire was caused by her falling from something high and knocking over an incense candle. This characteristic of bravery would actually have suited itself well to the theme in the final version of KS where you have to realize that Hanako's stronger than she looks. After all, frightened and fragile little children wouldn't like heights, right? But she's not one of those. I also don't know if this is intentional, but Hanako likes cooking in the full version of KS. Cooking often involves fire, but she's alright with it because she's not a pyrophobic, because she's stronger than she looks. I don't think this fits well with your insinuation that she would have a problem with heights, because that insinuation is pretty much white knighting.
  41. >explains all of the emergency things
  43. Things? Really? "Thing" is almost as bad of a word as "get".
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