Jeff Dunham- Beside Himself (2019)

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[rock music plays]

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[announcer] Greetings, Dallas infidels.

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Please welcome to the stage

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Mr. Jeff Dunham!

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[cheering and applause]

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How you doin', Dallas?

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[cheering and applause continue]

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It is good to be back in my home state

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of Texas.

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[cheering and applause]

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Wow, what a crowd. This is awesome.

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So, I know a lot of you folks
are here on purpose this evening.

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You knew what the show was,
you purchased the tickets.

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Thanks for coming.

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Some others were sitting at home,
going, "Ah, there's nothing on TV,

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let's get drunk,
go to that puppet show."

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-So...
-[laughter]

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Yes, I make a living talking to myself,

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which means some forms of mental illness
actually pay off.

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[laughter]

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Oh, you're applauding at that.
You're a sick crowd. I like you already.

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[laughter]

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Now, before we get to the main event,

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I want to talk to you a little bit
about boys and girls.

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Now, when my girls
were tiny, little babies,

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I had friends and family
coming to me, saying,

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"Okay, you've done a fine job
with little babies.

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We just want to warn you
what's coming next."

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I said, "What's that?"

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"The terrible twos and horrible threes."

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I said, "Really?"
"Oh, yeah, the toddler years.

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You're doing a good job,
but it's going to get tough.

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It's not gonna be easy,
your life is never gonna be the same.

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Hang on and good luck."

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And guess what happened?

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Nothing.

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Everything was fine.

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I swear. I have no earthly idea
what everybody was talking about.

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It wasn't until they turned,
like, 12 or 13

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that Satan came down,
entered their bodies...

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[laughter]

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Nobody warned me about this.
I walked in their room one morning,

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"Good morning, girls."

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[growling and snarling]

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[laughter]

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They'd come home from school,
"How was your day?"

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[crying] "Stop talking to me like that."

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[laughter]

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"I'm sorry, would you like a carrot?"

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"Why, are you saying I'm fat?"

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[laughter]

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"I'll be in the garage with the dogs.
They like me more. Bye."

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[laughter]

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This kept up for a few years.

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Then they started turning
17, 18 years of age.

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And then, apparently, Jesus came down,
killed the three Satans...

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[laughter]

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...and my daughters were back.
That happened like this.

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I'd be like, "Uh, good morning, girls."

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"Oh, good morning, father.

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[laughter]

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May we have money."

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[laughter]

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Satan was cheaper.

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[laughter]

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But Audrey and I got married
six years ago...

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And, uh, what's a good hand
in the game of poker? A full house.

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What's a full house?
Three of a kind, two of a kind.

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I have three girls. Well...

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Almost four years ago,
Audrey gave birth to twin boys.

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Thank you very much.

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Thanks.

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[cheering and applause]

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And yes, I know when my boys
graduate from college,

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I'll be 75 years of age.

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[laughter]

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It's fine. It's great.

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[laughter]

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But now, these same people
who warned me about my girls,

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have now come to me
and said, "Guess what?"

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"Okay, you got through the girls.

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We just want to warn you
about what's coming now.

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Little boys are way more difficult
than little girls.

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Good luck."

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You know what I said back to them?
I said, "You know what?

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You were wrong about my girls.
You're gonna be wrong about my boys.

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It's the parenting.

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Apparently, you did it wrong."

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[laughter]

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And, come on, they're kids.

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How much more difficult
could little boys be from little girls?

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Holy shit.

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[laughter]

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It's not funny. You know what I have
in my house right now?

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Two tiny psychopath terrorists.

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That's what I have.

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[laughter]

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And it's worse for me,
because Achmed lives there.

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He's teaching them stuff.

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I've got a freaking clan
under my own roof.

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-[laughter]
-I'm not kidding. They tear things up,

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they tear things down,
they broke the washing machine,

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they smashed our blender.

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They're already downloading porn.
I don't know how that happened.

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[laughter]

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And little Jack's a runner.
He runs all the time for no damn reason.

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We can't take him
in the front yard anymore.

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There's no bird, no plane,
no car, no dog, no ball...

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He just runs.
He's like Forrest Gump on crack.

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[laughter]

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[cheering and applause]

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Audrey and I are alcoholics now.

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[laughter]

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We didn't used to drink very much,
but we do now.

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[laughter]

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You know the saying,
"It's five o'clock somewhere?"

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That did not come from alcoholics.

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That came from parents with toddlers.

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[laughter]

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I got to tell you, giving a toddler a bath

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is much more fun when you're hammered.

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[laughter]

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[Jeff chuckles]

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But I want to tell you what happened
one particular evening.

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This was a big night.

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Audrey was giving the boys their bath.

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She'd just finished scrubbing down
little James.

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She turned to little Jack
to scrub him down.

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Before she knew it,
James had jumped out of the bathtub

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and ran in the bedroom.

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James is stark naked, soaking wet,
running in circles and screaming.

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It's fun. I know because I taught him.

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[laughter]

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Audrey turns to Jack and says,
"Jack, stay right here.

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Mommy will be right back."

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She goes in the bedroom,
there's little James.

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She scoops him up,
starts to head back to the bathroom.

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I'll stop the story right here.

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As we raise our children,

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there are certain benchmarks
and milestones

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that we look forward
to our children achieving.

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One of those milestones
is the first word.

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Well, after having five kids,

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I've realized that the first word,
to me, is not that important.

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Why?

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Because it could be them
just imitating a sound,

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parroting a sound.

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To me, what's more important
than the first word

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is the first sentence that they form
all on their own.

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That, to me, is the most important.

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Well, I'm very happy
that this particular evening,

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both of my boys spoke
the exact same sentence

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almost at the exact same time.

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Audrey had little James in her arms
and was heading back to the bathroom.

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Little Jack was in that bathtub.

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She heard little Jack

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say his first sentence.

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She said the words
were enunciated perfectly,

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she understood him very clearly.

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Here's what little Jack said
from the bathtub, all by himself:

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"Eww, poop."

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[laughter]

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She goes in the bathroom.

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There's little Jack standing up
in the middle of the bathtub

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in the six inches of water,

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pointing down to the newly-formed
floating turd boat.

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[laughter]

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Jack sees mommy come in,

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his face lights up.

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He points and says it again,
this time with glee.

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"Eww, poop!"

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[laughter]

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James hears this, he turns around,

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he sees the turd boat, his face lights up.

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He says it, too.

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"Eww, poop!"

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[laughter]

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Audrey's horrified,
she quickly cleans up the boys,

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throws them in bed,

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quickly cleans up the bathtub,
heads downstairs, starts drinking.

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[laughter]

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I get home the next day,
we go about our daily business.

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Two mornings later,
I wake up with pink eye.

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[laughter]

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For those of you who have no idea
how these two stories are related,

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let me explain it to you.

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[laughter]

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So two mornings later, I wake up,
I can't open my eyes.

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My eyes are crusted and gooed shut.

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It's disgusting.

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Audrey walks in and she goes,
"Oh, my God, you have pink eye."

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I said, "What's pink eye?"
She goes, "That!"

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[laughter]

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I go to the doctor.

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I'm sitting in the chair.
He takes one look.

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He goes, "Oh, Mr. Dunham,
you have pink eye."

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I said, "What's pink eye?
He goes, "That."

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[laughter]

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I said, "How'd I get pink eye?"
"I don't know. It's very contagious.

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But I'm-- I'm pretty sure
that you got it from your boys."

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I said, "My boys don't have pink eye.
I didn't get it from them.

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-How else do you think I got it?"
-He goes, "Oh, no, Mr. Dunham,

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uh, this type of-- of pink eye
is contracted by contact with poo.

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[laughter]

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[laughter continues]

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I said, "Doc, let me rephrase
what you just said.

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Did you just tell me I got shit in my eye?

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[laughter]

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And he said, "Yes, Mr. Dunham,

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if you want to put it that way,
you got shit in your eye."

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I said, "Doc, I did not
get shit in my eye.

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I'm a very clean person."

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He goes, "It doesn't matter what you did.
Here are the drops. Go home, goodbye.

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I went home. I walked in the door.

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-Audrey said, "What happened?
-I said, "I got shit in my eye."

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[laughter]

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She said, "Why'd you do that?
I go, "I didn't do it on purpose!"

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[laughter]

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Third story, somewhat related.

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We have a Jack Russell Terrier
named Buddy.

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Anybody who knows anything
about that breed of dog

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knows that it's a badass mofo dog.

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He isn't afraid of anything,
well, except one thing...

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My boys.

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[laughter]

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And we have no idea
where this fear came from.

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But one morning, we noticed it.

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We hear the boys come
toddling down the stairs...

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Buddy sat up, actually said, "Oh, shit,"
and ran out the door.

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[laughter]

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I said, "What was that?"

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Audrey goes, "That was weird.
It's like Buddy's afraid of the boys."

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I said, "That's odd."

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We taught the boys
how to treat God's little creatures.

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How to pet Buddy, how to talk nice to him.

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But Buddy would not let those boys
get anywhere near him.

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It went on for six weeks.
Couldn't figure it out.

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Until I saw it happen.

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Apparently, one of my boys,
and I won't tell you which,

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thinks it's really funny
to stick his finger in Buddy's asshole.

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[laughter]

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And that's how I got pink eye.

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[laughter]

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[Jeff laughs]

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Well, that's my life.

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You guys ready for the little people
in the boxes?

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[cheering and applause]

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You know the people who are always
looking for the bright side

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of everything in life?

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Well, this first guy is not one of those,

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and we all know someone just like him.

252
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,364
Please, help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.

253
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,908
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

254
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:45,626
Oh, shut the hell up.

255
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,503
[laughter and cheering]

256
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,756
-How are you, Walter?
-Who the hell cares?

257
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,593
-[laughter]
-No, wait, I take that back.

258
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,553
Everything is awesome.

259
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:57,138
[laughter]

260
00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:59,974
I'm suing someone for sexual harassment.

261
00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,225
[laughter]

262
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,352
And who would you sue
for sexual harassment?

263
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,021
-My wife
-Your-- your wife?

264
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,606
[laughter]

265
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,565
But, she's your wife.

266
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:11,027
I know, and I realize
I could have avoided all this years ago

267
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,486
with one simple word:

268
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,488
"I do... not."

269
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,574
[laughter]

270
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,035
-You ever think like that?
-No, my wife's an angel.

271
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,995
Oh, you're lucky. Mine's still alive.

272
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:22,955
[laughter]

273
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,920
But again, you two still
actually love each other.

274
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,132
Yeah, but it may have changed a little bit
over the years.

275
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,425
-How's that?
-I used to say

276
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,636
I'd jump in front of a bus
to save her life.

277
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,096
-Yeah?
-Now, I think I'd just yell.

278
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,682
[laughter]

279
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,060
[calmly] Hey!

280
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,437
[laughter]

281
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,814
Three, two, one...

282
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,441
[calmly] Look out!

283
00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:51,734
[laughter]

284
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,780
And about that timing, too.

285
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,697
[Jeff laughs]

286
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:57,657
[laughter]

287
00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,451
And what would she do
if the roles were reversed?

288
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,245
Oh, she'd shove my ass
right in front of the damn bus.

289
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,288
[laughter]

290
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,624
And then she'd have them stop
and go back and forth

291
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,501
just a few times for good measure.

292
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:09,627
[laughter]

293
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,046
So what do you think is the biggest
problem in your marriage?

294
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:14,131
-Everything is my fault.
-But it's not.

295
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,008
Oh, she is very convincing.

296
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,009
[laughter]

297
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,010
-Really?
-Yeah.

298
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,304
Last week, I found myself
apologizing to her

299
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,933
after she rear-ended a guy at a stoplight.

300
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:28,062
-How is that your fault?
-I have no freaking idea.

301
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:29,980
I was taking a nap...

302
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:31,065
[Jeff chuckles]

303
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,483
...at our house.

304
00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:34,610
[laughter]

305
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,656
Women can make us admit the stuff
we had nothing to do with.

306
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:42,785
Well, it's some kind of magical power
that women have over us.

307
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,079
I call it "vagina voodoo."

308
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,164
[laughter]

309
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,999
[applause]

310
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:53,587
Sorry, guys, but that's stronger
than any kind of penis power.

311
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,631
[laughter]

312
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,759
But Walter, despite these questionable
points in your relationship,

313
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,429
you'd never actually do anything
to hurt your marriage or your wife.

314
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,180
-Oh, no, no, no, of course not.
-Okay.

315
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,266
However, Achmed has offered.

316
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,643
[laughter]

317
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:08,644
For a fee.

318
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,812
[chuckles] Walter...

319
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:10,813
-I'm kidding.
-Okay.

320
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,481
He's a friend. He'd do it for nothing.

321
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,941
[laughter]

322
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,903
I just hope no one tries to sue me
for sexual harassment.

323
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,321
Oh, could there be a problem?

324
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,408
I don't know. Do you remember if I've done
anything that could be a problem?

325
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:25,161
No, but I don't know what you do
when I'm not around.

326
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,370
[laughs]

327
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,998
[laughter]

328
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,710
You really need to see somebody
about this soon.

329
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:33,836
[laughter]

330
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,629
It's getting worse every year.

331
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,757
Do you know he goes to group therapy

332
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,717
all by himself?

333
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,760
[laughter]

334
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:44,680
And on this sexual harassment subject,
what have you done that's wrong?

335
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,432
Me? Nothing.

336
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,349
Oh, really?

337
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,101
[laughter]

338
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,437
You want to tell everybody
what happens on the tour bus

339
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,355
after every single show?

340
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,857
The tour bus?

341
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,066
Yeah, we get on the tour bus,

342
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,527
then he strips down naked
and takes a shower

343
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,571
while we just sit there.

344
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,239
[laughter]

345
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,532
Think about it.

346
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,576
We're speechless!

347
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,453
[laughter]

348
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:10,456
And we can't move!

349
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,124
[laughter]

350
00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,587
[cheering and applause]

351
00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:21,133
It's like he's slipped something
in our drinks.

352
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,343
[laughter]

353
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,179
Oh, no, you're just like Bill Cosby.

354
00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:26,597
[laughter]

355
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:33,646
Are you two related?

356
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:34,939
No, yeah, yeah.

357
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,690
[imitating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.

358
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,234
[laughter]

359
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,903
I bet you really are a pervert.

360
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,613
-[laughter]
-A pervert?

361
00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,908
Yeah, you ever asked a woman to watch
while you worked a puppet?

362
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,077
[laughter]

363
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,957
I really didn't think
that wording through, did I?

364
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,875
-No, you didn't.
-[laughter]

365
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,293
-Sorry about that.
-It's okay.

366
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,462
-That's funny as hell, though.
-What is?

367
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,006
Your new talking willy.

368
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,633
[laughter]

369
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,553
-Please stop.
-"Hey, how are you doing?"

370
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,263
"I'm doing pretty great, yay!"

371
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,973
[laughter]

372
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,350
-Walter--
-"Aww, what's wrong, little fellow?

373
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,476
You look down.

374
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,894
[laughter]

375
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,941
Come on, why so blue?"

376
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,901
[laughter]

377
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:27,074
Walter, you realize
I try and keep this show PG-13-ish?

378
00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:28,951
Well, we're well into the "ish."

379
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,661
[laughter]

380
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,165
Anyway, Walter, the folks here tonight
sounded happy to see you.

381
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,667
Well, thanks for that.

382
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,626
Thank you.

383
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,753
[cheering and applause]

384
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:45,718
Hey, you finally got your star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, didn't you?

385
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,887
-I did. Thank you.
-[cheering and applause]

386
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,431
-Thanks.
-[whistling]

387
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,348
[Walter chuckles]

388
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,225
Yeah, you don't talk about that much.

389
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310
-No.
-I love this.

390
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,103
-Walter...
-Hey, Jeff, tell everyone

391
00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:59,356
where your star is
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

392
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,108
-Walter--
-Is it in front

393
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,820
of the magnificent,
historic Hollywood Theater?

394
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,405
[laughter]

395
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:07,406
Jeff?

396
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:09,116
[laughter]

397
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:10,534
-No.
-Is it in front

398
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:14,246
of some famous, expensive
Hollywood restaurant?

399
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:16,790
Jeff?

400
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,584
[laughter]

401
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,961
-No.
-Come on. Tell 'em where it is.

402
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:26,467
-Well, it's in front of--
-It's in front of a CVS Pharmacy!

403
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:27,885
[laughter]

404
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,722
How great is that?

405
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:33,599
Now I can go look at your star,

406
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,143
then go inside and get something
for my jock itch.

407
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,354
[laughter]

408
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:39,396
Or your pink eye.

409
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,273
Is that gone yet? You still got that?

410
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:42,858
[laughter]

411
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,153
Is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butthole?

412
00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:47,613
-[scoffs] What?
-[laughter]

413
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,990
-You know, I showed him how to do that.
-What?

414
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,659
[laughter]

415
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,744
But I admit, I did it first.

416
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,204
[laughter]

417
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,289
-Why did you do that?
-I didn't mean to.

418
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,875
He dug his nose in my crotch
one too many times.

419
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,210
[laughter]

420
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,711
-The dog, not your son.
-I--

421
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,421
[laughter]

422
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,382
But why?

423
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:09,718
Well, my hand shot out to stop him,
but he did a quick 180 and--

424
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:10,719
[yelps]

425
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,179
[laughter]

426
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,474
Yeah, you got pink eye,
and he got pink ass.

427
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:17,434
[laughter]

428
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,144
You know, Walter, I forgot to ask earlier,

429
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,689
what sexual harassment
are you suing your wife for?

430
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,400
Oh, she didn't like the noise
I made during sex.

431
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,028
-Okay, that's too much information.
-Want to hear the noise she didn't like?

432
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,279
-No, we don't.
-[clears throat]

433
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,365
-Walter...
-"Get off, I'm tired."

434
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,574
[laughter]

435
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,035
[whistling]

436
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,455
-What?
-You hurt her feelings.

437
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:39,707
She hurt my back.

438
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,542
[laughter]

439
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,211
-That's terrible.
-And it has been for years.

440
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,671
[laughter]

441
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,924
-No, I mean, you're terrible.
-She's said that to me for years, too.

442
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,134
[laughter]

443
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,510
So, you're saying the sex is bad?

444
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:52,845
-It didn't used to be.
-No?

445
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:53,762
No, it was great.

446
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,723
When we were young, it was like...

447
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,474
I mean, it was like, I don't know...

448
00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,561
It was like jumping in a new car
and taking it for a ride.

449
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:01,687
Whoo-hoo!

450
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:02,604
[laughter]

451
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,107
You know, pushing buttons
and twisting knobs.

452
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,984
[laughter]

453
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,319
You get it? It's an analogy, dumbass.

454
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,030
-Yes.
-[laughter]

455
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:11,947
We get it.

456
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,615
And that new car smell.

457
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,367
Whoo! Whoo!

458
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,661
[laughter]

459
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,247
-Good Lord.
-Uh-oh.

460
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,916
Slow down, or we'll get
to where we're going too fast,

461
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,084
if you know what I'm saying.

462
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,335
-Yes!
-[laughter]

463
00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:28,505
But now, almost 50 years later,

464
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,674
it's like getting in that same damn car,

465
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,635
and you barely make it down
the effing driveway.

466
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:34,595
[laughter]

467
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,431
You get to the point
you don't even want to warm her up.

468
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,515
[laughter]

469
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,309
Sometimes, you've got to choke it.

470
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,061
-W--
-[laughter]

471
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,856
But usually, I don't even want
to pull it out of the garage.

472
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,483
[laughter]

473
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,568
-I don't know what that means.
-They do.

474
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,986
[laughter]

475
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,323
And she does not like reverse.

476
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,158
[laughter]

477
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:01,121
Yes, these well-disguised jokes

478
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:04,374
are how we keep our show family-friendly.

479
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,043
[laughter]

480
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,377
[cheering and applause]

481
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:15,177
I can hear that later,
"Daddy, what's wrong with reverse?"

482
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,678
[laughter]

483
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,388
"I don't know, ask your mother."

484
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,890
[laughter]

485
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:20,974
And son, be careful,

486
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,769
because in that gear,
there is risk of backfiring.

487
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:25,187
[laughter]

488
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:26,230
Say goodnight, Walter.

489
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:28,023
Thanks, Dallas!

490
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,859
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

491
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:35,656
Ladies and gentlemen,

492
00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:37,699
our country is divided right now.

493
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,911
And it's divided like none of us
have ever known.

494
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,580
It's not funny. It's not fun.
It's ugly.

495
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,208
So, what is a comedian to do?

496
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,960
[laughter]

497
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,754
I don't want to cause division.
I don't want to pick sides...

498
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,589
[cheering and applause]

499
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,554
But you can't ignore
the elephant in the room.

500
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,222
[laughter]

501
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,307
So, I've thought about this real hard.

502
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,852
And no matter
which side of the aisle you're on,

503
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,770
it's kind of an interesting thought:

504
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:09,690
What could be the worst possible job

505
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,901
to have in the White House right now
under Donald Trump?

506
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,405
Well, you've never heard of him,
but he's here this evening.

507
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,115
He kind of works in the shadows.

508
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:23,078
Please help me welcome
the personal advisor to Donald Trump,

509
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,872
my new friend, Larry.

510
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,499
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

511
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,716
[laughter]

512
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,017
-How are you doing?
-[screaming] What?

513
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:45,934
[laughter]

514
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,186
-How are you doing?
-I'm fine! I'm fine!

515
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:50,814
Everything's fine! It's all going great!
It's all really good! [laughs maniacally]

516
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,482
-[groans]
-[laughter]

517
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,903
-Your name's Larry.
-Yep. Larry, just frickin' Larry.

518
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,238
Just Larry, Larry, Larry!

519
00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,489
[laughter]

520
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,575
But sometimes he calls me "Bob."
But it's not "Bob."

521
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,452
It's not freaking "Bob."
It's just "Larry."

522
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:04,369
[laughter]

523
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,038
And you're referring to President Trump?

524
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,664
Oh, my God. Is he here? Where?

525
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,249
-No, he's not here.
-Oh, okay.

526
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,751
Uh, that would have been shocking.

527
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:11,835
-If he were here?
-Yeah.

528
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,713
-Why?
-Because he didn't tweet about it first.

529
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:15,797
[laughter]

530
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,633
[groans]

531
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,260
He never stops!
I can't leave him for a second.

532
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,012
I turn my back, and he's tweeted again.

533
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:24,598
He does it from the Oval Office,
the front lawn, the back lawn,

534
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,768
the side lawn, the lawn-lawn,
the kitchen, and the toilet!

535
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,895
Do you know how many times
I've begged him

536
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:32,231
to stop the toilet tweeting?

537
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,982
[laughter]

538
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,777
Oh, look, everybody agreed on something.

539
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:37,945
[cheering and applause]

540
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,990
♪ Kum ba yah, my Lord ♪

541
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:44,159
[Jeff] So, you don't really help him?

542
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,246
Actually, one time I tried to help him
by stealing his phone.

543
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,081
-[Jeff] What happened?
-His hair attacked me.

544
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:49,998
[laughter]

545
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,292
-His hair?
-It's alive.

546
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,629
Do you have any influence
on what the president tweets?

547
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:59,800
Are you kidding? I'd have better luck
convincing Walter to stop passing gas.

548
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,927
[Walter] It's not gonna happen!

549
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,887
[laughter]

550
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,184
Did that come out of your ass?

551
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,727
-No--
-[laughter]

552
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,896
You need to work on that.

553
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:13,855
[laughter]

554
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,191
-Sounds like your ass is talking.
-Just--

555
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,442
[laughter]

556
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,569
So, Larry, how long have you worked
for the president?

557
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:20,904
About four hours.

558
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:22,990
[laughter]

559
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,449
He hired you four hours ago?

560
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,911
Well, he fired me before breakfast,
then rehired me after lunch.

561
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,080
-Oh.
-Have you heard of Taco Tuesdays?

562
00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:32,124
-Yeah.
-Trump has Firing Fridays.

563
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:34,001
[laughter]

564
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,461
And what does Melania say
when people get fired?

565
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:37,879
"Take me with you."

566
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,673
[laughter]

567
00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:46,305
Do you think it's true there might be
a problem in Trump's marriage?

568
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:49,182
Oh, no, no, he just went through
a Stormy patch.

569
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,018
[audience] Oh!

570
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,023
Ah, screw you, that's a good joke!

571
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,774
[laughter]

572
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,861
And-- and what is your exact
job title again?

573
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,238
Personal Advisor to the President.

574
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,198
-You advise the president?
-Yes.

575
00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:06,116
Really?

576
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:09,953
[inhales] I try. I swear to God, I try.

577
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,372
-How's that going for you?
-Look at me!

578
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:13,498
[laughter]

579
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:19,463
-You're a little stressed out.
-Oh, you think? [laughs maniacally]

580
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:20,380
[groans]

581
00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:21,298
[laughter]

582
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,883
[inhales]

583
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:23,842
[laughter]

584
00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:25,677
[exhales]

585
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,804
-It's not lit.
-No, but I am.

586
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:29,097
-Oh...
-[laughter]

587
00:22:30,223 --> 00:22:32,559
So, Larry, how do you deal
with the stress of this job?

588
00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:33,560
Cigarettes.

589
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:34,770
That's not good.

590
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,480
-No, not these.
-What?

591
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:39,232
Trump overheard me say,
"Let's go smoke some Camels."

592
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,651
-Yeah?
-Next thing I know, we're bombing Syria.

593
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:43,862
[laughter]

594
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:51,912
I wrote that one.

595
00:22:51,995 --> 00:22:53,580
-Pfft.
-[laughter]

596
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:57,709
Can you explain the latest set of tariffs
from the past few weeks?

597
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,711
Oh, well, um...

598
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:00,879
Nope.

599
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:01,880
All right.

600
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:02,923
[laughter]

601
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,801
-Anything else we should know about Trump?
-Ooh, yeah. [clears throat]

602
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,469
President Donald Trump

603
00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:10,222
is the best president
this country's ever had.

604
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,391
-That's a fact.
-[Jeff] Mmm.

605
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:14,059
[cheering and applause]

606
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:17,020
[booing]

607
00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:18,939
And where did you get that fact?

608
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:21,024
From President Donald Trump!

609
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,984
[laughter]

610
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:25,946
No, seriously, the president's
actually doing really well,

611
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:28,824
but you wouldn't know it if you listened
to the folks on the other side.

612
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:30,659
-[man] Yeah!
-Y-You mean the Democrats?

613
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,285
Actually, I meant Mexico.

614
00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:34,538
[laughter]

615
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,624
And, as you know, 70 billion dollars-plus

616
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:40,001
and Mexico is supposed
to pay for that wall.

617
00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,628
-You don't think it's gonna happen?
-No.

618
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:43,964
-Why not?
-There is not a calculator in the world

619
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:47,634
that can convert 70 billion dollars
into frickin' pesos.

620
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,386
[laughter]

621
00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:52,055
We tried, but the calculator melted.

622
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:53,557
[laughter]

623
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:56,643
[laughter]

624
00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,646
See, the peso isn't worth anything.

625
00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,231
[laughter]

626
00:24:01,314 --> 00:24:04,609
I-It's like a million pesos to the dollar.

627
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695
[laughter]

628
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,531
Too many digits for the calculator.

629
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:11,491
[laughter]

630
00:24:13,368 --> 00:24:15,704
I think the math folks are in the back.

631
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:17,247
[laughter]

632
00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:18,165
I'm sorry.

633
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:20,208
[cheering]

634
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,712
So, Larry, how do you think
the majority of Americans

635
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,380
feel that Trump is doing as president?

636
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,841
I don't know, it depends
on what network you're watching.

637
00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:28,758
-What?
-Oh, yeah.

638
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:31,219
If you're watching CNN or MSNBC,

639
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,389
Donald Trump is Satan
and the end of the world is near.

640
00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:36,057
If you're watching Fox,

641
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,185
The Russians didn't interfere
with the election.

642
00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,729
No, Moses and Jesus rigged that sucker.

643
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:41,897
[laughter]

644
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:46,443
Well, Larry, you know,
my opinion on Trump--

645
00:24:46,526 --> 00:24:47,903
Aah!

646
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,029
Keep quiet.

647
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:52,449
If you say anything good or bad
about the president,

648
00:24:52,532 --> 00:24:55,327
half the folks in this room
are gonna hate your ass.

649
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:58,663
Plus, no one cares
what you celebrities think.

650
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,083
Just because you're famous
does not mean you're smart.

651
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,878
No one effing cares.

652
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:07,339
[cheering and applause]

653
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:09,132
And that's Larry, The Trump Adviser.

654
00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:10,383
Thank you!

655
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:12,844
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

656
00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:17,265
Now, for our next guy,

657
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,601
straight from his home
parked out back,

658
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,686
please help me welcome, Bubba J.

659
00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,940
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

660
00:25:29,277 --> 00:25:31,780
[Bubba laughs]

661
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:33,448
How are you doing, Bubba J?

662
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,617
I'm doin' purty good.

663
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:37,911
[laughter]

664
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,247
So, anything fun
been happening lately to you?

665
00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:44,709
Uh, did you hear about the costume party
we had at the trailer park last week?

666
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,212
I did. Yeah, now, is this an annual event?

667
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,256
No, but we have it every year.

668
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,341
[laughter]

669
00:25:52,592 --> 00:25:55,303
I scared the crap out of everybody
with my costume.

670
00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:57,597
-Oh, what were you dressed as?
-The landlord.

671
00:25:57,931 --> 00:25:59,641
[laughter]

672
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,184
I see.

673
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,728
That costume party
is always a big date night, too.

674
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,772
-A date night?
-Yeah, and it works out great,

675
00:26:05,855 --> 00:26:08,900
because if you're wearing a mask,
you can't tell if you're related.

676
00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:10,151
[laughs]

677
00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:11,278
[laughter]

678
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:12,571
Oh, yeah, they get it.

679
00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,948
Chicka-chicka-wow-wow.

680
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:16,199
[laughter]

681
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,244
Any other fun activities
at the trailer park?

682
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:23,206
Well, once a month, we have a contest
called "Guess the Father."

683
00:26:23,623 --> 00:26:25,584
[laughter]

684
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,377
-That's terrible.
-No, it's not.

685
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:30,380
It's fun to walk around going,
"Come on. Who's your daddy?"

686
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:32,841
[laughter]

687
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,676
Anyway, any plans while we're in town?

688
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,928
Is prostitution legal here?

689
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:40,181
-What?
-Achmed said we should hire a hooker.

690
00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:42,851
Bubba J, what about your wife?

691
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,561
Oh, she doesn't work Dallas.

692
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,813
[laughter]

693
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:50,525
Hey, speaking of being drunk,

694
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:53,903
is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butt?

695
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:55,739
[laughter]

696
00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:59,117
I was standing there watching.
I kept saying, "That ain't right."

697
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,077
But I was drunk off my ass,

698
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,829
so it was funnier than hell.

699
00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:04,331
[laughter]

700
00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:07,125
And whoo, the noise that dog made...

701
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,919
I'm sorry to hear about your pink eye.

702
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:10,962
Thanks.

703
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,256
I have wandering eye.

704
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,259
I could scare the crap
out of your little boys.

705
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,512
-Come on.
-"Whoa, look what your daddy did to me!"

706
00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:22,807
Ohh!

707
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:24,726
[laughs]

708
00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,937
Bubba J, would you do that
to poor little Jack and James?

709
00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,314
[laughs] Yeah.

710
00:27:29,397 --> 00:27:30,482
[laughter]

711
00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:32,942
I like that picture of all your kids.

712
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,612
-Yeah?
-You should call that your saltine photo.

713
00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:37,989
-Why is that?
-It's all your crackers.

714
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,074
[laughs]

715
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,200
[laughter]

716
00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:43,536
You know, Bubba J, to some people
that word is very offensive.

717
00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:46,081
I know, that's why everybody else
is laughing.

718
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:48,083
[laughter]

719
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,919
-That's the way this comedy stuff works.
-How's that?

720
00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:54,631
Well, you say something
that makes a few uptight a-holes mad,

721
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,217
but all the normal folks
who heard the same thing are like,

722
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,177
"Baha-haha-haha."

723
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:00,720
[laughter]

724
00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:02,597
[cheering and applause]

725
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,770
Hey, is your beautiful wife Audrey
here tonight?

726
00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:11,481
No, she's not, Bubba J,
but thank you for the compliment.

727
00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:13,942
-Sure.
-And is your beautiful wife here tonight?

728
00:28:14,025 --> 00:28:17,862
Uh...

729
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:21,616
-What?
-The adjective did not go with the noun.

730
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:23,451
[laughter]

731
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:25,662
You're saying your wife is not beautiful?

732
00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:29,374
Well, like today,
I've had an awful lot to drink...

733
00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,792
-Yeah?
-And it's still no.

734
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:32,627
-Okay.
-[laughter]

735
00:28:33,586 --> 00:28:35,797
-So, how did you meet your wife?
-Online.

736
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,258
-Oh, on a dating website?
-Yeah.

737
00:28:38,591 --> 00:28:40,677
Uh, ancestry.com.

738
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,262
[laughter]

739
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,264
Bubba J...

740
00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:48,518
Well, it was better than
when I accidentally tried Incestry.com.

741
00:28:48,601 --> 00:28:50,478
[laughter and startled gasps]

742
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:53,606
I felt bad swiping left on my own sister.

743
00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,442
[laughter]

744
00:28:59,362 --> 00:29:03,116
But I actually had to swipe twice
to get all of her off the screen.

745
00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:04,367
[laughter]

746
00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:05,535
Bubba-- [laughs]

747
00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:07,746
Bubba J!

748
00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:09,372
Okay, it was more than twice.

749
00:29:09,456 --> 00:29:10,665
[laughter]

750
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,459
Swiping, swiping,

751
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:15,170
swiping, swiping, swiping.

752
00:29:16,212 --> 00:29:17,881
[laughter]

753
00:29:19,090 --> 00:29:21,718
But my sister's uglier than my wife.

754
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:24,512
-Come on.
-Well, she looks like me.

755
00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,599
-Oh, come on, do you think you're ugly?
-Well, no.

756
00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:30,602
-Well, that's good.
-But if I was a girl, hell, yeah.

757
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:31,811
[laughter]

758
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:34,564
I've got to say, though,
there's nothing wrong with being ugly,

759
00:29:34,647 --> 00:29:36,983
but my sister has got it down.

760
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:38,818
[laughter]

761
00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:40,320
On a scale of one to ten...

762
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,156
D'aww, I can't do fractions.

763
00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:45,074
[laughter]

764
00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,870
How far apart in age
are you and your sister?

765
00:29:48,953 --> 00:29:49,954
-We're twins.
-Oh.

766
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,581
-Identical twins.
-Oh.

767
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:55,335
Well, wait, you can't be identical
if you're a different sex.

768
00:29:55,710 --> 00:29:57,587
-A different sex?
-Right.

769
00:29:57,921 --> 00:30:02,091
You mean like when my wife wants to use
stuff from my toolbox?

770
00:30:02,175 --> 00:30:03,968
[laughter]

771
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:07,472
Oh, come on, you know
women had cordless power tools

772
00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,349
long before men did.

773
00:30:09,682 --> 00:30:11,059
[laughter]

774
00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,644
[cheering and applause]

775
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:18,733
And when she says she loves
her Double D's...

776
00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,693
-Yeah.
-She's talking about batteries.

777
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:21,611
I got it.

778
00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:23,279
[laughter]

779
00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:27,200
Bubba J, different sex means you're male
and your sister's female.

780
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:29,911
Oh, right, wiener and wiener-free.

781
00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:31,663
[laughter]

782
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:32,997
Hey, I was thinking about this.

783
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:34,457
Since a guy has a wiener,

784
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:37,502
does that mean that technically
he could not be a vegan?

785
00:30:38,211 --> 00:30:39,796
[laughter]

786
00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:45,885
Oh, wait, my preggo sister
can't be vegan either.

787
00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:46,803
Why not?

788
00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:48,471
[chuckles] Hey, Sis, got milk?

789
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:50,348
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

790
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,310
So, this is the unmarried,
not-so-pretty sister?

791
00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:55,854
-Yeah.
-Does she have a boyfriend?

792
00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,814
-No.
-How'd she get pregnant?

793
00:30:57,897 --> 00:31:00,525
She's so stupid,
when she robbed a bank...

794
00:31:00,608 --> 00:31:01,442
Yeah?

795
00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:03,778
Turns out it was a sperm bank.

796
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,488
[laughter]

797
00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:11,160
[laughter]

798
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,454
Bubba J, how do you...
how do you rob a sperm bank?

799
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,916
Well, you start by telling everybody
to put their hands up.

800
00:31:17,208 --> 00:31:19,002
[laughter]

801
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,382
Yeah, that's a thinker, right there.

802
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:25,842
[laughter]

803
00:31:25,925 --> 00:31:26,926
-I guess so.
-[chuckles]

804
00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:29,971
You can see some folks
explaining it to the other ones.

805
00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:31,472
[laughter]

806
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:34,392
[Bubba laughs]

807
00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,520
"Daddy, Mommy gave birth to me, right?"

808
00:31:37,604 --> 00:31:39,147
"Yeah, but I had a hand in it."

809
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,232
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

810
00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:43,776
Bubba J, do ever do anything
to help other people?

811
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,445
-Like what?
-You ever given blood?

812
00:31:45,528 --> 00:31:47,238
-I gave blood once.
-That's good.

813
00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:49,949
Six folks died of alcohol poisoning.

814
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,367
[laughter]

815
00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:53,369
Have you been to the doctor lately?

816
00:31:53,453 --> 00:31:56,664
Yeah, but the doctor's always
trying to get me to cut out stuff

817
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,834
like alcohol, fried food, and sugar.

818
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:01,002
Okay, so what'd you cut out?

819
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,295
-That doctor.
-Oh.

820
00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:04,505
[laughter]

821
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,716
-You ever been to one of those groups?
-What groups?

822
00:32:06,799 --> 00:32:10,094
The ones where everyone
has drinking and addiction issues.

823
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,430
Oh, you mean like a family reunion?

824
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,682
[laughter]

825
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:21,940
Bubba J, you're an alcoholic.

826
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:25,068
-You say that like it's a bad thing.
-[laughter]

827
00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:27,362
What is good about "I'm an alcoholic"?

828
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:28,905
You forgot to say your name.

829
00:32:28,988 --> 00:32:30,740
[laughter]

830
00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:32,575
What?

831
00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:35,411
It should be, "Hi, I'm Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.

832
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,580
And then we all go, "Hi, Jeff."

833
00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:39,290
-[laughter]
-Bubba J--

834
00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:40,500
Let's try it all together.

835
00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:42,919
"Hi, I'm Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic."

836
00:32:43,002 --> 00:32:44,087
Now, everybody.

837
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,838
[audience] Hi, Jeff.

838
00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:48,341
See? We're all here for you.

839
00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:49,592
[laughter]

840
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:50,677
Say goodnight, Bubba J.

841
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,679
Thanks, Dallas!

842
00:32:52,762 --> 00:32:55,264
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

843
00:32:59,852 --> 00:33:02,230
He's purple, he's wacky...

844
00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:03,982
[cheering and applause]

845
00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:05,358
And he's not wearing pants.

846
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:08,653
Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut.

847
00:33:09,278 --> 00:33:11,489
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

848
00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:19,539
-[Peanut laughs]
-How you doing, Peanut?

849
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,332
-Doing pretty good. How about you?
-I'm fine.

850
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,584
[stuttering] That's good!

851
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:24,544
[laughs]

852
00:33:24,627 --> 00:33:25,628
[laughter]

853
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:27,880
And with me here now,
I want to tell everyone

854
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:30,216
that we are not gonna talk
about politics anymore.

855
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:32,260
-No?
-No! You did that enough with Larry.

856
00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:33,803
-But with me, no more!
-Okay.

857
00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:37,515
No talking about race, religion,
border stuff, sexual orientation,

858
00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:39,017
LGBT, L-M-N-O-P.

859
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:39,976
None of that!

860
00:33:40,059 --> 00:33:41,227
[laughter]

861
00:33:41,310 --> 00:33:42,937
-Okay.
-And we should judge

862
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:45,606
not by skin color or anything else,

863
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,650
but by character and actions.

864
00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:49,193
-Sounds good.
-Unless...

865
00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:50,611
[cheering and applause]

866
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,530
-Unless?
-Unless, you are what you are.

867
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,657
-What's that?
-An older white male.

868
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:56,492
[laughter]

869
00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:57,577
What's wrong with that?

870
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:59,370
Dude, you guys suck.

871
00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:00,830
[laughter]

872
00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:01,748
Why?

873
00:34:01,831 --> 00:34:05,084
Everything bad that's happening
is your fault.

874
00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:07,128
-What is?
-All of it!

875
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,256
What happened to not judging someone
by their skin color?

876
00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:12,550
Of course you can't judge by skin color.

877
00:34:12,633 --> 00:34:14,552
-Okay.
-Unless you're an old white dude.

878
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,470
[laughter]

879
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:17,472
-What?
-You're going to hell.

880
00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:18,848
[laughter]

881
00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:21,893
Are you doing anything
to make this world a better place?

882
00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:23,019
I make folks laugh.

883
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:25,229
No, I make folks laugh.

884
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,065
[cheering and applause]

885
00:34:31,986 --> 00:34:33,946
You are just my caddie.

886
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:35,782
[laughter]

887
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,742
Caddie? And what am I carrying?

888
00:34:37,825 --> 00:34:40,286
-Me, in the suitcase.
-[laughter]

889
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:41,454
-Yeah.
-Oops.

890
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:43,247
-What?
-Uh, hang on.

891
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:44,957
-What happened?
-This came loose.

892
00:34:45,041 --> 00:34:47,168
What the... What the fuck
are you doing over here?

893
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:48,377
[laughter]

894
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:49,796
-What came loose?
-Listen.

895
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:51,589
-What?
-A little technical problem. Hold on.

896
00:34:51,672 --> 00:34:53,091
-What the hell?
-[laughter]

897
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:54,258
What are you doing?!

898
00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:56,552
-This came loose.
-What came loose?!

899
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,346
-This.
-[screams]

900
00:34:58,429 --> 00:35:00,014
[laughter]

901
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:03,226
What the hell is that?

902
00:35:03,935 --> 00:35:05,311
That's how I work your arm.

903
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:06,896
Is that a stick?

904
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:08,314
-[laughs] Yeah.
-[laughter]

905
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,609
Wow, I guess José and I
have a lot more in common than I thought.

906
00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,694
[laughter]

907
00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:16,531
Wait, look, I can do an impression
of a monster.

908
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:18,116
-What?
-[groaning]

909
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:19,033
[laughter]

910
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:20,159
-[groans]
-Ow!

911
00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:21,577
[laughter]

912
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,121
Oh, shit, I got pink eye.

913
00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:25,665
[laughter and applause]

914
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:33,589
Hey, is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butt hole?

915
00:35:33,673 --> 00:35:34,882
-Peanut!
-[laughter]

916
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,760
You should have heard
the noise that dog made.

917
00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:39,428
[high-pitched bark]

918
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:41,305
[laughter]

919
00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:43,599
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it.

920
00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:44,809
[laughter]

921
00:35:45,351 --> 00:35:46,769
-Don't--
-[high-pitched bark]

922
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:47,854
-[laughter]
-Peanut--

923
00:35:47,937 --> 00:35:49,522
[high-pitched barking]

924
00:35:49,605 --> 00:35:50,439
Stop it.

925
00:35:50,523 --> 00:35:52,066
[laughter]

926
00:35:53,901 --> 00:35:54,735
Who is that? [barks]

927
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:56,237
-Stop it!
-[laughter]

928
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,155
He's walking away.

929
00:35:57,238 --> 00:35:58,990
[barking]

930
00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:00,074
[laughter]

931
00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:05,246
[continues barking]

932
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:06,497
[laughter]

933
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:10,668
-Look out, here he comes! [screams]
-Stop it!

934
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:12,378
[laughter]

935
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,423
[cheering]

936
00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:17,592
-What if that becomes your son's thing?
-What?

937
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,178
Sticking his finger
in an animal's butt for fun?

938
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:21,888
-[laughter]
-Think of the other animals.

939
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:22,847
A cow...

940
00:36:22,930 --> 00:36:24,682
[moos]

941
00:36:24,765 --> 00:36:25,683
[laughter]

942
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:26,601
A chicken...

943
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:28,102
-[clucking]
-[laughter]

944
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:29,395
A guy who doesn't mind...

945
00:36:29,478 --> 00:36:30,313
"Oh."

946
00:36:30,396 --> 00:36:32,106
[laughter]

947
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,155
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it.

948
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:42,408
Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. Am I harassing you...

949
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:44,076
[laughter]

950
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,037
sexually?

951
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,413
[laughter]

952
00:36:47,830 --> 00:36:50,124
Sexually?

953
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,250
[laughter]

954
00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:54,128
[laughter continues]

955
00:36:57,924 --> 00:36:59,091
Oh, that's hot.

956
00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:01,052
-Stop it.
-[laughter]

957
00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:04,722
That sexual harassment stuff's
getting pretty bad.

958
00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:07,058
-Yes, it is.
-What's gonna come out about you?

959
00:37:07,141 --> 00:37:08,184
Me? Nothing.

960
00:37:08,267 --> 00:37:09,769
-Oh, I don't know.
-What?

961
00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,146
A bunch of other comedians
you worked with, coming forward.

962
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,523
"He made his voice come out of my butt."

963
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:15,775
-[laughter]
-Peanut...

964
00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:17,818
"And it gets worse. He made it echo."

965
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:20,196
[echoing] "Asshole, asshole,
asshole, asshole..."

966
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:21,572
[laughter]

967
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:24,033
Peanut, I want to remind you of something.

968
00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:25,618
-I should remind myself, too.
-What?

969
00:37:25,701 --> 00:37:27,954
Well, when I stepped out of the spotlight
to get you,

970
00:37:28,037 --> 00:37:29,914
I-I could see more of the crowd
than earlier.

971
00:37:29,997 --> 00:37:33,751
There's a few more younger folks
here this evening than I realized.

972
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:36,254
-Yeah.
-So, considering the way things are today,

973
00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:39,173
we might want to consider, uh,
using the appropriate language.

974
00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:42,760
Oh, okay. So, we're gonna do
the rest of the show in Spanish.

975
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:44,845
[laughter]

976
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:47,223
[cheering and applause]

977
00:37:49,308 --> 00:37:50,142
That's...

978
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,895
That's not exactly what I meant.

979
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,231
Oh, we could tweet the whole thing
in Spanish.

980
00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:56,732
Well, tweet... tweet...

981
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:57,650
[chuckles]

982
00:37:57,733 --> 00:37:58,818
[laughter]

983
00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:00,611
-You all right?
-I'm fine. [laughs]

984
00:38:01,028 --> 00:38:02,780
-What the hell was that?
-I don't know.

985
00:38:02,863 --> 00:38:05,491
That was really weird. It's like
you had a stroke there for a second.

986
00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:06,409
[laughter]

987
00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:08,995
Hey, how come me and the other guys
all speak perfectly,

988
00:38:09,078 --> 00:38:10,496
but you keep screwing up?

989
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:12,248
[laughter]

990
00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:15,584
Dude, it's like you had a stroke,
and then you stuttered.

991
00:38:16,168 --> 00:38:18,045
Oh, now that would be funny as hell.

992
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:20,715
A stuttering ventriloquist?

993
00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:21,674
[laughter]

994
00:38:21,757 --> 00:38:23,426
We would never get anything done.

995
00:38:23,509 --> 00:38:26,220
You couldn't even get out
the most basic of jokes.

996
00:38:26,637 --> 00:38:28,723
[stuttering] Kn-Knock, knock.
Kn-Knock, knock.

997
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,850
Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock,
kn-knock, knock.

998
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,393
Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock, knock.

999
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,603
Kn-- kn-knock-- kn-knock--
kn-knock-- kn-knock--

1000
00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:36,605
Answer the fucking door!

1001
00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:37,648
[laughter]

1002
00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:40,776
[cheering and applause]

1003
00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:43,654
I'm sorry.

1004
00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,239
[laughter and applause]

1005
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:48,617
What?

1006
00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:51,037
-The cursing.
-Oh, damn.

1007
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,371
Crap. Fuck. Sorry!

1008
00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:53,956
[laughter]

1009
00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:00,963
-Like I said, there are kids watching.
-I got it.

1010
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:03,049
Kids...

1011
00:39:03,924 --> 00:39:04,884
don't say "fuck"...

1012
00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:05,801
Peanut!

1013
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:06,927
[laughter]

1014
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,763
[cheering and applause]

1015
00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:12,058
...at home.

1016
00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:13,976
[laughter]

1017
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,270
Even at school,
where you learned it in the first place.

1018
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:17,188
Will you...

1019
00:39:17,271 --> 00:39:19,231
[cheering and applause]

1020
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:20,608
[laughs]

1021
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,611
Peanut, I just want
to note something here.

1022
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:24,862
You do know you lost a shoe?

1023
00:39:24,945 --> 00:39:26,364
-What?
-Y-You lost a shoe.

1024
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:27,531
No dude, I found one.

1025
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:29,033
[laughs]

1026
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:29,950
Oh!

1027
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,410
[laughter]

1028
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,175
What the fuck happened?!

1029
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,927
[laughter]

1030
00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:51,389
It's not funny!

1031
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:52,765
[laughter]

1032
00:39:53,307 --> 00:39:54,600
And why?!

1033
00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:55,643
[laughter]

1034
00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:57,019
Are you high?

1035
00:39:57,561 --> 00:40:00,064
-No.
-Then you should practice more often.

1036
00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:02,608
This is not that hard.

1037
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:04,026
[laughter]

1038
00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:06,904
Just move your hand and hang on.

1039
00:40:06,987 --> 00:40:08,030
Okay!

1040
00:40:08,114 --> 00:40:09,281
[laughter]

1041
00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:15,371
Oh, was it the lotions?

1042
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:16,414
[laughter]

1043
00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:23,754
-Focus.
-I got it!

1044
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:25,214
[laughter]

1045
00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:27,425
What do you call that,
 a ventriloquist fumble?

1046
00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:29,176
-Pff-- [laughs]
-[laughter]

1047
00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:31,887
Seriously, who does that?

1048
00:40:33,055 --> 00:40:35,057
You threw your doll.

1049
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:36,142
[laughter]

1050
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:37,852
You're like a kid with emotional problems.

1051
00:40:37,935 --> 00:40:41,147
You talk to yourself
and you throw your fucking doll!

1052
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,648
[laughter]

1053
00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:45,067
[laughter]

1054
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,071
Do your boys watch our shows?

1055
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:50,239
Yes, they do.

1056
00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:53,117
-Do they say curse words?
-No, they don't.

1057
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,285
They will now.

1058
00:40:54,368 --> 00:40:55,536
[laughter]

1059
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:57,496
The cool part is, they'll say the F-bomb,

1060
00:40:57,580 --> 00:40:59,790
but when they do,
they won't move their lips.

1061
00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:01,500
[laughter]

1062
00:41:05,045 --> 00:41:07,756
That's awesome.
You'll be at a parent-teacher conference,

1063
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:11,135
"Sir, Mr. Dunham,
your sons are cursing in class."

1064
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:13,262
And then you'll be like,
"Did they move their lips?"

1065
00:41:13,345 --> 00:41:15,139
And the teacher will say, "Well, no."

1066
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:18,017
And then you'll go,
"Then how the fuck do you know?"

1067
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:19,977
[laughter]

1068
00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:23,355
Oh, no, wait! It'll be...

1069
00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:25,441
"Then how the fuck do you know?"

1070
00:41:25,524 --> 00:41:26,775
[laughter]

1071
00:41:27,526 --> 00:41:29,487
[cheering and applause]

1072
00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:34,283
-Say goodnight, Peanut.
-Thanks, everybody!

1073
00:41:34,366 --> 00:41:36,243
[cheering and applause]

1074
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,163
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait a minute.

1075
00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:40,789
Wait a second!

1076
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,128
-You know who I haven't seen in a while?
-Who?

1077
00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:47,505
-José.
-That's right.

1078
00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:49,590
[cheering and applause]

1079
00:41:52,218 --> 00:41:55,638
José, the jalapeño on a stick.

1080
00:41:55,721 --> 00:41:57,181
-[cheering]
-Yep.

1081
00:41:57,264 --> 00:41:59,058
Come to think of it,
I haven't seen him much

1082
00:41:59,141 --> 00:42:00,351
since Trump was elected.

1083
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:01,560
[laughs]

1084
00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:03,687
[laughter]

1085
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:05,773
You going to get him out?

1086
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:07,483
Well, you know, Peanut,

1087
00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:09,610
in today's politically correct climate,

1088
00:42:09,693 --> 00:42:11,445
there are a few people
who think it's not okay

1089
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,405
for me to even be talking to José.

1090
00:42:15,824 --> 00:42:17,618
[booing]

1091
00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:22,206
[audience chanting] José! José! José!

1092
00:42:22,289 --> 00:42:24,708
-José! José! José!
-[laughs]

1093
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:26,752
All right, hang on. Hang on.

1094
00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:29,505
There were some serious discussions,

1095
00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:31,924
and I think I treat José with respect.

1096
00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:33,968
And, uh...

1097
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:35,511
I say we take a vote.

1098
00:42:36,595 --> 00:42:37,805
-What?
-Hell, yes.

1099
00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:39,640
[cheering and applause]

1100
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:42,226
Okay, here we go.

1101
00:42:42,309 --> 00:42:44,853
Who does not want to see José Jalapeño

1102
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,189
and thinks we should not have him
in the show?

1103
00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,357
[silence]

1104
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,483
[laughs]

1105
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:54,029
Okay, then who does want to see
José Jalapeño out here tonight?

1106
00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:55,698
[cheering and applause]

1107
00:42:57,157 --> 00:42:58,033
[Jeff laughs]

1108
00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:02,162
Well, if this was being reported,

1109
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:04,582
like one of many
of the news outlets today,

1110
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,875
they would say that was really close.

1111
00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:08,377
[laughter]

1112
00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:16,677
I guess José is in.
He's actually right here.

1113
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,721
Check it out.
Look, look, look, look, look!

1114
00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:20,514
[cheering and applause]

1115
00:43:24,643 --> 00:43:25,477
Are you ready?

1116
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:26,562
Sí, señor.

1117
00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:29,857
Okay, for the folks who might not know,
tell them who you are.

1118
00:43:29,940 --> 00:43:31,567
-My name José.
-José what?

1119
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,277
José Jalapeño...

1120
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,194
Right.

1121
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,738
-...on a stick.
-Mm-hmm.

1122
00:43:35,821 --> 00:43:37,573
[cheering and applause]

1123
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:40,492
José, Peanut thinks you've been hiding
because you're frightened of Trump.

1124
00:43:40,576 --> 00:43:42,578
No, señor. I was stuck in the trunk

1125
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:45,414
because idiot Walter
built a wall in there.

1126
00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:47,082
[laughter]

1127
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,211
-Walter built a wall in the trunk?
-Sí.

1128
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:53,005
So, when you close the trunk,

1129
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:54,923
it's like shutting down the border.

1130
00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:56,800
[laughter]

1131
00:43:57,676 --> 00:44:00,262
[Walter laughing]

1132
00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:01,972
[laughter]

1133
00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:05,351
-Dude, is your ass laughing?
-N-No.

1134
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:06,602
[laughter]

1135
00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:08,520
You've got pink eye and laughing ass.

1136
00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:09,813
[laughter]

1137
00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:11,482
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it!

1138
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:12,900
[laughter]

1139
00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,362
You're so cute when you're angry.

1140
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:18,364
[laughter]

1141
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:23,786
José, you told me earlier today
you wanted to tell us something important.

1142
00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:24,703
Sí, señor.

1143
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:26,205
I hate to have to say this,

1144
00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:28,082
but I want to leave the show.

1145
00:44:28,165 --> 00:44:29,041
[gasps] Yes!

1146
00:44:29,124 --> 00:44:31,377
Wait a minute. What do you mean
you want to leave the show?

1147
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:32,961
Hold on. I think I know what he means.

1148
00:44:33,045 --> 00:44:35,798
I think he means
he wants to leave the show.

1149
00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:37,132
[laughter]

1150
00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,759
José would have said that in Spanish,

1151
00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:41,762
but, out of all three of us,
only José knows that language.

1152
00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:43,389
[laughter]

1153
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:49,687
I am not kidding.
José can speak Spanish that Jeff cannot.

1154
00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:51,939
It's the weirdest fucking thing.

1155
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:53,607
[laughter]

1156
00:44:54,316 --> 00:44:55,901
-Language.
-Oh! Sorry.

1157
00:44:55,984 --> 00:44:57,820
It's the weirdest el fucking thingo.

1158
00:44:57,903 --> 00:44:58,862
[laughter]

1159
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:05,577
José, why do you want to leave the show?

1160
00:45:05,661 --> 00:45:06,704
He can't leave the show.

1161
00:45:06,787 --> 00:45:07,788
Exactly. We need you.

1162
00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:09,790
No, I mean he actually can't
leave the show.

1163
00:45:09,873 --> 00:45:11,250
-Why not?
-He doesn't have any legs.

1164
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,210
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

1165
00:45:13,293 --> 00:45:14,753
All I need is my stick.

1166
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,673
...At least, that's what your mother said.

1167
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,758
[audience] Oh!

1168
00:45:22,553 --> 00:45:23,971
What the hell?

1169
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:24,888
[laughter]

1170
00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:27,266
You know, you could try and leave,
but you'd fall down.

1171
00:45:27,349 --> 00:45:29,935
Then you'd be José Jalapeno on the floor.

1172
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:31,311
[laughter]

1173
00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:32,396
With your mother.

1174
00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:34,481
[audience] Oh!

1175
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,025
Wait!

1176
00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:39,778
And then, I would probably step on it
and break his stick.

1177
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,282
Then he'd be José Jalapeño
with a broken stick on the floor.

1178
00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:46,952
[laughter]

1179
00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:48,996
Another mother joke, José?

1180
00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:51,874
No, this time it was your sister.

1181
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:54,209
-Wh--
-[surprised laughter]

1182
00:45:54,293 --> 00:45:56,545
What the hell? I'm gonna kick his ass!

1183
00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:57,588
I don't have an ass.

1184
00:45:57,671 --> 00:45:59,506
Or "stick," or whatever the hell
there is there.

1185
00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:00,883
-Peanut--
-Come on!

1186
00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:03,469
Come to think of it,
I say you can't get away,

1187
00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:05,345
but maybe that stick
is actually a wooden leg.

1188
00:46:05,429 --> 00:46:07,473
So, then he's José Jalapeño
on a wooden leg.

1189
00:46:07,556 --> 00:46:10,017
But, no, a leg always has a knee.
There's no knee on that stick.

1190
00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:12,644
There could be if they cut the stick
in half and put a hinge on it.

1191
00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:16,523
But then his name would be José Jalapeño
on two halves of the stick with a hinge.

1192
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:18,275
[cheering]

1193
00:46:18,358 --> 00:46:20,360
[applause]

1194
00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:22,738
Doesn't exactly
roll off your tongue, does it?

1195
00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:23,781
[laughter]

1196
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,365
No, but your sister did.

1197
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,242
-Hey!
-[laughter]

1198
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:28,827
[applause]

1199
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,164
What the hell?

1200
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,666
José, why do you want to quit the show?

1201
00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:35,834
I've been living a lie.

1202
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,127
A lie! I knew it.

1203
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:38,796
He's Mexican and he's gay.

1204
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:39,880
[laughter]

1205
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:40,923
Mexican and gay.

1206
00:46:41,006 --> 00:46:43,467
Now, that is a party I would go to.

1207
00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:46,804
La cucaracha!

1208
00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,639
[laughter]

1209
00:46:48,722 --> 00:46:50,474
José, are you unhappy about something?

1210
00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:53,143
This is a nice job, but it's not my dream.

1211
00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:54,061
What is your dream?

1212
00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:56,104
-I want to be--
-Wait, I got it!

1213
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:57,981
-What?
-He wants to change ethnicities

1214
00:46:58,065 --> 00:46:58,941
and be white.

1215
00:46:59,399 --> 00:47:01,610
That's ridiculous, impossible,
and insulting.

1216
00:47:01,693 --> 00:47:04,446
No, it's not. He already has a stick
up his ass, so he's halfway there.

1217
00:47:04,530 --> 00:47:06,698
-[laughs]
-[surprised laughter]

1218
00:47:06,782 --> 00:47:08,992
I did a white joke. Yes!

1219
00:47:09,076 --> 00:47:10,285
[laughter]

1220
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:12,371
Even the crackers love that joke.

1221
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:13,956
[laughter]

1222
00:47:14,623 --> 00:47:17,000
And the Mexicans and the gay Mexicans.

1223
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:19,837
I like a spicy taco.

1224
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,880
[laughter]

1225
00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:24,466
Oh, wait, gay guys don't like tacos.

1226
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:26,009
[laughter]

1227
00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:33,684
For those of you who didn't get that joke,

1228
00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:36,478
someone will explain it to you
on the way home.

1229
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:38,063
[laughter]

1230
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:40,274
-Peanut.
-Do not ask for a photo.

1231
00:47:40,357 --> 00:47:41,191
Peanut!

1232
00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:42,568
[laughter]

1233
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,528
It's not a normal selfie.

1234
00:47:44,611 --> 00:47:45,654
[laughter]

1235
00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:47,614
It's more of a Snapchat.

1236
00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,283
[laughter]

1237
00:47:49,366 --> 00:47:50,701
It's kitty cat.

1238
00:47:50,909 --> 00:47:51,994
[laughter]

1239
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:52,911
[meows]

1240
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:53,912
Peanut!

1241
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,038
[laughter]

1242
00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:56,039
[yells] Okay!

1243
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:58,959
This is so wrong,
because no woman's gonna say...

1244
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,377
"Make it talk."

1245
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:01,753
[laughter]

1246
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,755
-Peanut.
-Although, that would be quite a thing.

1247
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:06,425
-Please stop.
-You could make it go, "Meow."

1248
00:48:06,508 --> 00:48:08,302
[laughter]

1249
00:48:08,385 --> 00:48:10,345
Be careful of the ones that go... [hisses]

1250
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:12,431
[laughter]

1251
00:48:12,514 --> 00:48:15,350
Sorry, José. Will you please tell us
what you want to do with your life?

1252
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,103
I want to be an astronaut.

1253
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:21,690
[Peanut laughs]

1254
00:48:21,773 --> 00:48:23,483
[laughs dramatically]

1255
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:24,484
[laughter]

1256
00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:25,986
-Peanut...
-No, no, this is great.

1257
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:27,195
José the Astronaut.

1258
00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:29,323
And it would be great
if they made a space shuttle

1259
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:30,365
with a clutch.

1260
00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:32,326
-Why?
-José could be the stick.

1261
00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:34,161
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

1262
00:48:34,244 --> 00:48:36,121
Peanut, why are you always
picking on José?

1263
00:48:36,204 --> 00:48:37,414
-I dont know.
-Are you a bully?

1264
00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:38,999
-No.
-Is he, José?

1265
00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:40,459
-No, señor.
-Sí.

1266
00:48:40,542 --> 00:48:41,543
He's an asshole...

1267
00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:43,003
[laughter]

1268
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:44,755
-...on a stick.
-Say goodnight, you guys.

1269
00:48:44,838 --> 00:48:47,090
-I'm Peanut.
-I am José Jalapeño.

1270
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:48,175
There they go!

1271
00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,928
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

1272
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:54,848
All right.

1273
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:57,976
I think you guys know who is next.

1274
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:00,812
[cheering]

1275
00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:02,773
Please help me welcome
the most beloved terrorist

1276
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,651
throughout the world,
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

1277
00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,236
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

1278
00:49:13,909 --> 00:49:15,035
[Achmed laughs]

1279
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:19,081
Good evening, Texas infidels!

1280
00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,458
[cheering and applause]

1281
00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:24,211
How are you, Achmed?

1282
00:49:24,294 --> 00:49:26,463
Wait, wait, before we get started,
I have a question.

1283
00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:27,589
-Yes?
-Was it bad

1284
00:49:27,673 --> 00:49:31,009
that I unplugged my cousin's life support
to charge my phone?

1285
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:33,136
[laughter]

1286
00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:35,681
-Are you kidding?
-No, I was at three percent.

1287
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:39,059
-What about your cousin?
-He's now at zero percent.

1288
00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:40,727
[laughter]

1289
00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:43,647
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Achmed.
And how'd he end up on life support?

1290
00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:46,858
Well, my uncle said, "Pull my finger,"
and they both exploded.

1291
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:47,776
[laughter]

1292
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:48,944
It's not funny!

1293
00:49:49,027 --> 00:49:50,237
[laughter]

1294
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,655
Don't make me say it.

1295
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,240
[man] I kill you!

1296
00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:56,743
[cheering]

1297
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,205
I'm not ready.

1298
00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:01,832
[laughter]

1299
00:50:01,915 --> 00:50:04,209
Hey, you want to know the joke
I pull on folks

1300
00:50:04,292 --> 00:50:05,752
when they're in the hospital?

1301
00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,131
A joke? What do you do
to people in the hospital?

1302
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:12,968
The ringtone on my phone is the same noise
as the heart monitor when you die.

1303
00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:14,261
[laughter]

1304
00:50:14,344 --> 00:50:16,054
-What?
-Yeah, I stand next to their bed,

1305
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,889
my phone rings,
and all everyone hears is...

1306
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:20,726
[flatline beep]

1307
00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:22,019
Then I answer,

1308
00:50:22,227 --> 00:50:24,604
"Oh, you just missed him."

1309
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,231
[laughter]

1310
00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:29,651
-That's a little dark.
-Look who you're talking to.

1311
00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:30,861
[laughter]

1312
00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:32,487
Oh, wait, when my cousin died,

1313
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,322
-you should have been there.
-Why?

1314
00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:36,533
You could have made him talk
one last time.

1315
00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:37,951
[laughter]

1316
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:40,328
Oh, wait, that is genius.

1317
00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:43,832
You should hang around funeral homes
and scare the crap out of folks.

1318
00:50:43,915 --> 00:50:45,125
[laughter]

1319
00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:46,668
Or even at the funeral.

1320
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,129
"Dearly beloved,
here lies Uncle Charlie..."

1321
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:50,756
"I'm not dead yet."

1322
00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:52,591
[laughter]

1323
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:55,844
Best YouTube video ever.

1324
00:50:56,261 --> 00:50:57,554
[evil laugh]

1325
00:50:58,055 --> 00:50:59,556
-Are you a good father?
-Of course.

1326
00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,933
But sometimes I get very angry
with my kids,

1327
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,977
and I tell them I'm going to kill them.

1328
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:05,437
That's not good.

1329
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,647
I don't know, coming from me
it's kind of effective.

1330
00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,232
[laughter]

1331
00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:10,650
And what do you say, exactly?

1332
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,904
"Either go do your homework
or take my backpack to the market.

1333
00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:14,946
Your choice!"

1334
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:16,615
[laughter]

1335
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,911
So, Achmed, we've been talking a bit
about politics tonight,

1336
00:51:20,994 --> 00:51:22,954
and you've been in this country
a long time now.

1337
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:26,792
Politically, if you were a citizen here,
would you go Democratic or Republican?

1338
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,169
Oh, yikes, those are my choices?

1339
00:51:29,252 --> 00:51:31,046
[laughter]

1340
00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:32,964
I'd like to buy a vowel, please.

1341
00:51:33,048 --> 00:51:34,508
[laughter]

1342
00:51:35,425 --> 00:51:37,344
But seriously, would you ever
consider politics?

1343
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:38,929
If you could, would you run for office?

1344
00:51:39,012 --> 00:51:42,307
No, no! I run from an office
after I set the timer.

1345
00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,391
[laughter]

1346
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:45,060
That's my job. Stop laughing!

1347
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,812
[laughter]

1348
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:48,188
Not yet.

1349
00:51:48,271 --> 00:51:49,898
[laughter]

1350
00:51:50,607 --> 00:51:52,609
And that's another thing
that's pissing me off.

1351
00:51:52,692 --> 00:51:54,528
-What?
-My 72 virgins

1352
00:51:54,611 --> 00:51:56,947
have all now joined the Me Too movement.

1353
00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:57,864
[laughter]

1354
00:51:57,948 --> 00:51:59,991
I can't even call them virgins anymore.

1355
00:52:00,075 --> 00:52:01,076
-No?
-No!

1356
00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:02,911
-I see.
-Now they insist on being called

1357
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:05,831
"the 72 consenting,
strong women of character...

1358
00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:08,166
blah-di-fucking-blah, blah, blah..."

1359
00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,626
[laughter]

1360
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,713
Almost.

1361
00:52:13,797 --> 00:52:15,340
[laughter]

1362
00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:18,343
Hey, you know what happens now
if I take a Viagra?

1363
00:52:18,426 --> 00:52:19,803
-What?
-I get lockjaw.

1364
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:21,680
[laughter]

1365
00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:23,515
Silence! I kill you!

1366
00:52:23,598 --> 00:52:24,933
[cheering]

1367
00:52:25,016 --> 00:52:26,560
[whistling]

1368
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:28,687
[Achmed laughs]

1369
00:52:29,104 --> 00:52:32,315
Boy, am I a rock and roll badass
or what?

1370
00:52:33,108 --> 00:52:34,734
Let's do the whole thing together:

1371
00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:36,194
Three, two, one...

1372
00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:39,197
[Achmed and audience] Silence! I kill you!

1373
00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:40,615
[laughs] That's fantastic.

1374
00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:43,243
I just helped 10,000 folks
commit a felony.

1375
00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:44,619
-Yay!
-[laughter]

1376
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:47,581
Anything else bothering you, Achmed?

1377
00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:50,500
Yes, all this political correctness crap.

1378
00:52:50,917 --> 00:52:52,836
-Really?
-It's driving me crazy.

1379
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,754
-How's that?
-Everyone is so uptight.

1380
00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,674
Calm the hell down.
You're taking all the fun away.

1381
00:52:57,757 --> 00:52:58,592
-The fun?
-Yeah.

1382
00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:00,677
Like, you know,
I can't tell jokes anymore like,

1383
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:02,512
"Two black guys walk in a bar..."

1384
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:06,349
"No, no, you can't tell a joke like that.
You are racist."

1385
00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:09,019
-"Two Jews..."
-"No, racist."

1386
00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:10,520
"Two white guys..."

1387
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,230
"Okay, you can tell that one."

1388
00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,107
[laughter]

1389
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:16,610
Wait a minute, why is it okay
to tell a joke about white people

1390
00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:17,652
and not the others?

1391
00:53:17,736 --> 00:53:20,780
Well, it's okay to tell a racist joke
about racists.

1392
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,407
[startled laughter]

1393
00:53:24,701 --> 00:53:26,995
-Oh, crap, they turned on me.
-Yeah.

1394
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:28,538
[laughter]

1395
00:53:29,247 --> 00:53:31,833
And why are the two white guys
in your story racist?

1396
00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:33,210
I just went with the odds.

1397
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:35,295
[startled laughter]

1398
00:53:35,378 --> 00:53:37,005
-Ooh, strike two.
-Yes.

1399
00:53:37,088 --> 00:53:38,131
[laughter]

1400
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:41,426
So, you're saying that most white people
are racists.

1401
00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:44,596
[audience] Oh!

1402
00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:46,806
No...

1403
00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:47,766
[laughter]

1404
00:53:47,849 --> 00:53:50,435
-You just said that.
-No, you just said that.

1405
00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,646
[laughter]

1406
00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,398
So, what other ways
do you have to be politically correct?

1407
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,901
Well, you know,
I used to say my saying all the time,

1408
00:53:57,984 --> 00:53:59,152
"Silence, I kill you."

1409
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:00,195
Folks loved it.

1410
00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:03,031
It was on t-shirts, on mugs.
They were like, "Yay."

1411
00:54:03,114 --> 00:54:04,741
Now, everyone gets upset.

1412
00:54:04,824 --> 00:54:08,245
"Oh, he's threatening us."
Whine, whine. Boo-hoo.

1413
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:10,497
Yes, you idiot snowflakes!

1414
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:12,207
I am threatening you!

1415
00:54:12,290 --> 00:54:13,625
[laughter]

1416
00:54:13,708 --> 00:54:15,752
It's called a terrorist threat.

1417
00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:16,878
It's not that big a deal.

1418
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:19,256
I said, "I kill you," not "I touch you."

1419
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:21,383
[laughter]

1420
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:26,596
[Achmed laughs menacingly]

1421
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:29,891
Maybe that is what I should be saying now.

1422
00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:31,309
-[laughs]
-[laughter]

1423
00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:32,727
"Hey...

1424
00:54:32,811 --> 00:54:33,687
I touch you."

1425
00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:35,438
[laughter]

1426
00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:38,692
Hey, man.

1427
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,277
I touch you.

1428
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,028
[laughter]

1429
00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:43,655
"Hey, man?"

1430
00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:45,031
What?

1431
00:54:45,115 --> 00:54:46,032
[laughter]

1432
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:47,158
"Hey, man?"

1433
00:54:47,242 --> 00:54:48,827
Well, I can't say, "Hey, lady."

1434
00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:51,037
-Why not?
-If I do, you're the asshole,

1435
00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,247
and we both get sued.

1436
00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:54,124
[laughter]

1437
00:54:54,207 --> 00:54:55,500
Okay, but, "Hey, man?"

1438
00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:56,459
Okay.

1439
00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,670
Hey, you...

1440
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:00,547
[laughter]

1441
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:01,715
I touch you.

1442
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:03,800
[laughter]

1443
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:07,721
Hey, you unidentifiable gender, you.

1444
00:55:07,804 --> 00:55:09,597
[laughter]

1445
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:11,474
I touch you.

1446
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,143
[laughter]

1447
00:55:13,435 --> 00:55:15,145
That's more creepy than scary.

1448
00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:18,773
Hey, women love me,
because I'm already naked.

1449
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,900
[cheering]

1450
00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:22,027
You're... [laughs]

1451
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:24,237
Achmed, you're-- you're--
you're all bone.

1452
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,447
Exactly.

1453
00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:27,282
[laughter]

1454
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:31,369
And I am ribbed for her pleasure.

1455
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:33,288
[laughter]

1456
00:55:33,872 --> 00:55:35,206
[laughs menacingly]

1457
00:55:35,665 --> 00:55:36,624
Silence!

1458
00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:38,168
I touch you.

1459
00:55:38,251 --> 00:55:40,128
[laughter]

1460
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:41,421
[Achmed laughs]

1461
00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:43,715
[evil laugh]

1462
00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:46,217
-[Achmed whistles]
-[cheering]

1463
00:55:46,301 --> 00:55:47,802
[Achmed whistles]

1464
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:48,720
What the...?

1465
00:55:48,803 --> 00:55:50,055
[Achmed whistles]

1466
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:51,222
I can whistle!

1467
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:53,308
[laughter]

1468
00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:55,727
-Can I fart, too?
-[laughs] No, you can't.

1469
00:55:55,810 --> 00:55:56,686
[laughter]

1470
00:55:58,563 --> 00:56:00,148
[laughter]

1471
00:56:02,275 --> 00:56:03,777
[laughter]

1472
00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:10,241
Holy crap.

1473
00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:11,910
[laughter]

1474
00:56:11,993 --> 00:56:13,119
Something isn't right.

1475
00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:14,496
[laughter]

1476
00:56:15,246 --> 00:56:16,081
Do you see that?

1477
00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:17,999
Yep.

1478
00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:19,250
Did you do that?

1479
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,878
-I don't know. [laughs]
-[laughter]

1480
00:56:21,961 --> 00:56:23,588
-Did I do that?
-I don't know.

1481
00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:26,007
-Can you fix this?
-I-I don't know.

1482
00:56:26,091 --> 00:56:28,593
-Then what the hell do you know?!
-[laughter]

1483
00:56:28,676 --> 00:56:30,970
-I don't know.
-Fix it, you infidel!

1484
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:32,597
I am afraid to move!

1485
00:56:33,056 --> 00:56:34,432
[laughter]

1486
00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:36,351
Fix it!

1487
00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:38,228
I kill you from here.

1488
00:56:38,311 --> 00:56:39,521
[laughter]

1489
00:56:42,148 --> 00:56:43,191
[Achmed screams]

1490
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:44,943
[laughter]

1491
00:56:45,026 --> 00:56:46,277
Got any barbecue sauce?

1492
00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:47,445
[laughter]

1493
00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:48,571
That's not funny!

1494
00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:50,073
Stop laughing!

1495
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:52,534
Don't make me come down there!

1496
00:56:52,617 --> 00:56:53,743
[laughter]

1497
00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:55,161
-[Jeff laughs]
-What?

1498
00:56:55,995 --> 00:56:57,455
How would you get down there?

1499
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,498
[laughter]

1500
00:56:58,581 --> 00:57:00,667
Well, you could throw me.
You threw fucking Peanut.

1501
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,419
[laughter]

1502
00:57:02,502 --> 00:57:03,545
You guys have been awesome.

1503
00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:05,713
Thanks for coming out tonight.
We'll see you next time.

1504
00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:07,966
Goodbye, infidels!

1505
00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:10,677
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]

1506
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:23,940
[cheering and applause continues]

1507
00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,157
Thank you, Dallas!
Thank you, Texas!