Thread 5: Stories 61-75

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>AJ 12
"Guard Pony"
~~~~~~

>No, please, keep dragging me. Appreciate it. Really. It's not making me want to bite you, not at all!

"Will you stop? I'm actually being really nice about this. You knocked that guy unconscious."

>HE STABBED ME!

"It was just a stick, you big baby."

>Oh, I'm sorry, I was unaware a giant bundle of splinters somehow hurt LESS than normal!

"...Crud, didn't think about that. Might need to drag you to the hospital first."

>...Please don't make me go back there, I hate that place."

"Your call. Honestly, I don't know why you don't just join the royal guard, you get in enough fights."

>Besides the fact that you would very quickly go on strike or something?

"Yeah, besides that."

>...Because I can't use offensive energies, I can't fly for more than ten minutes, I'm pretty brittle all things considered, and you guys hate us more than anyone. Reason enough?

"Guess so. Just curious, truthfully. You Changelings are kind of different than I expected."

>What, you expected me to do something besides hit ponies? I thought that was assumed.

"Oh, I assumed that. I just didn't think you would feel bad about it."

>...I don't feel bad.

"Oh, of course you don't. Lot's of Changelings look upset when their victims fall to the ground, I guess. Damn cultural divide."

They come to a stop outside Applejack's door.

"Go tell her you sadly won't be the new employee at Snow Cone Lane anytime soon, and try and have her pull out the splinters."

>Thanks. REALLY appreciate you dragging me here, jerk. Makes my arm feel fantastic.

"Anytime buddy."

To 12's surprise, the guard gives him a friendly pat on his unwounded shoulder.

"Hang in there. We get crazy sometimes, but we're good ponies deep down. It'll get better."

Shocked, 12 doesn't respond as the guard walks off, humming a little tune to himself.

"~Jingle ball, Jingle ball, there's magic deep insiiide it~...."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The moment Celestia had called him, he knew something was terribly wrong, and the atmosphere in the room only confirmed it.

"Hello, Spike!" She greeted with all the sweetness of honey. "Please, have a seat." She offered along with many other pleasantries that would have fooled others, but over the most recent years, Spike had come to realize Celestia never once meant a smile she made unless it was cake.

"Princess," Spike worked up his courage to confront this facade. "Why did you call me here, really?"

Her horn flared gold and the door clicked locked while her expression faltered. The dragon felt himself telekinecally thrown hard against the stonework of the room and pinned by a constricting force around his neck with enough heat to burn through even his scales.

"Do not play stupid, even if you play it so well. My cake budget, my personal stipends to buy more cake, The Crystal Empire's productivity rising despite my best efforts! It was you, wasn't it?"

Despite his perilous situation, Spike just smiled and replied: "So you finally figured it out, guess I know why you need Twilight to do all the thinking for you."

The very golden trident he had once used to protect the princess' life bedded it's prongs around his neck and into the walls, she left him physically hanging there as she moved closer. "You have no idea how frustrating my work is."

"Not half as frustrating as Applejack's has been. Would be even less if you hadn't made Rarity into a monster for your own amusement-"

A stinging, psychic slap across the face silenced him.

"What you've done, my little dragon, is treason. And you know what the price of treason is?"

Celestia let the words hang in the air, freezing time until Spike broke from his bonds and in a lightning quick motion drew his gun.

"Sic semper tyrannis!" The dragon quoted from one of his sister's books as he squeezed the trigger three times.

And each shot met with a rang as it hit against a golden barrier some inches in front of the unamused Princess.

It had been worth a try, but Spike knew the moment he had been called it was the end of the line. He didn't even fight Celestia taking the gun from him and directing it on him.

"And last words?"

Spike looked up, past the barrel and to the sun regent, extending one claw out, his thumb up, and the remaining digits pulled in to mimic the shape of his commonly used, but much-loathed tool.

"Bang."

He said softly in juxtaposition with the thundering blast from the revolver's muzzle right into his eye.

SUPER ULTRA NON CANON
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>AJ56
“AJ 12”
_______

>What’s up, bro?

“My chances of bleeding out, 56.”

>Yeah, that’s a lot of blood you’ve got spilling outta your side there. Do you, uh… need help pulling out that cleaver?

“Could you?”

>Sure!

*a metallic clatter bounces off the ballroom walls*

>There ya go!

“Thanks, 56. It was getting a tad hard to breathe with that thing lodged in my ribs, consciousness was starting to slip.”

>Oh that’s not good! How’d you catch a cleaver anyway?

“Applied for a butcher’s helper. Apparently, I fit the bill for some ‘stab on sight’ poster. Got into a brawl, had to punch a few stallions and back-kick this one mare in the face but one of them snuck me as I was leaving.”

>Sounds fun!

“A laugh a minute, 56. When that one stallion busted me over the head with a chair? I thought I’d bust a gut chuckling.”

>...that’s sarcasm, isn’t it?

“Nothing but.”

>Well, hey, maybe instead of all those boring desk jobs, why not position to be an official ‘Booty Inspector’ like me?

“If just existing gets me a cleaver in the side, then going around randomly grabbing plots could possibly get me… you know what, I might just try that. If they’re going to beat me for no reason, might as well EARN that beating.”

>That’s the spirit!

“I was kidding. Partly. Now, if you’ll excuse, I need to go see someone about this blood loss. My vision’s doubling up and I can’t feel my back legs very well.”

>Yeah, you’re leaking all over the place, 12. If you ever change your mind about the job opening, come find me!

>Right.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ12
"77"

>Uh...hi there.

"Hello."

>Nice knife...bone...thing.

"Thank you. Nice...surviving whatever it is happened to you."

>Oh this? Just a light smacking with a broom, I've had worse. You, uh, you're not looking too good there.

"Did the other traitors not brief you on me?"

>I got told a few things, that you burst out of a toilet one day, still think the war happened, and you're an absolute loony. The Queen's in the Crystal Empire screwing with Shining Armor's head.

"On the Sun Princess' order, yes yes, I've heard your spiel a thousand times, traitor."

>Let me ask you this, if I was on the same side as the ponies would I currently be picking splinters out of my chitin? Would I have this much trouble going out and getting a job? Would I be sitting here next to you in the crying corner trying to get a conversation going?!

"...I guess not."

>I'm not your enemy, 77, none of us are, fact is, we're all we have left unless you get lucky like some of us and make friends with some of the ponies. The way I figure it, if you can't get along with other changelings, who the hell are you gonna get along with?

"Huh, I...guess that makes sense..."

>Food for thought. Anyway, I'm gonna go try for that job as a *sigh* Shark Tank Attendant...can I borrow that knife?

"Hm? Oh yes, go right ahead."

>Thanks pal.
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
~~~~~~~

>...Really?

"Will you hush! I'm trying to work here!"

>...Really?

'I know, right? This is amazing!'

"I told you. You think my hair gets like this on it's own? Changeling hair normally feels like it's made of steel wiring. But feel how soft it is!"

'It is surprisingly soft, I'll give you that.'

>...Really?

"You feel that volume sinking in? I am a chitin cracking MAESTRO when it comes to hair!"

'I'm actually sorry for having doubted you! I've never felt so soft and velvety!'

"Right!?"

>...Really?

'What's the matter, Shiny?'

"Oh, I dumped the excess ingredients on his desk. Probably stuck everything together too, hah!"

'Well, it's for a good cause.'

>...Really?

"You wanna do your hooves next?"

'Do I!?'

>...I... I just...

"...Uh, Shiny? You're getting pretty close to that window there. Oh, okay, you want some balcony time? Okay, I get it, balcony time is nice- and now you're on the railing. You shouldn't play up there, AJ2 might get idea-aaaaahahaha, okay. I see what the plan was."

'What's that?'

"Nothing important... hooficures!"

'Yay!'
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Luna’
-Twilight-
[Cadance]
________

>Alright, the first meeting of the royal Princesses is now in session! Ah think our first order of business should be-

-Luna, could you maybe scootch over a bit? Your hips….-

‘There is nothing wrong with our hips, Sparkle!’

-Yeah, no, I know, it’s just… they’re rather huge and they keep jostling me to the side….-

“So good to see the diet is going well, Moonbutt.”

‘Wouldst thou wish to speak that again to our muzzle, dear sister? Thine backside is the size of Saddle Arabia so inspect thyself before commenting next time.’

[I’m siding with Auntie L on this one, ‘Tia. Your ass is beyond huge.]

“Sorry, dear, could you speak up? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your bony flank scrapping against itself.”

[What did you just-]

>As Ah was sayin’! Our first order of business should be to-

[Cut a few cake budgets? I agree.]

>No, that’s not what Ah was-

“Fewer ponies have been killed over less ludicrous suggestions, dear niece.”

-If I could propose to have a bigger book budget, I think--

‘Thou barely reads all the literature thou has already! Preposterous! We think thou just enjoys sorting them more than reading them.’

-Look here, you big bootied speck of stardust, I NEED my books. To put it in your philistine terms, it’s my equivalent of cake!-

‘Big… bootied…? How dare y-’

[Wait a minute! If she gets a bigger book budget then I want more bits for my eyeliner and lip gloss collection!]

>Hold on a minute, nopony’s gettin’ anything yet! We haven’t even-

-Fine reading is better than dressing up like some high-class tart!-

[And how would you know with your muzzle buried between the pages of a dusty magazine? All you do is read! When’s the last time you actually DID something?]

“Pot calling the kettle black, Caddy? When you’ve got AJ18 handling all of your documentations?”

‘Sister, thine’s hold on Equestria has been woefully slack at best so-’

“If my hold’s been slack then yours is practically nonexistent!”

>Look y’all, we can settle this later. This joint-meetin’ is to discuss the immigration of the Gryphons into pony-society so we can gain better-

‘We were locked away for a thousand years all because of a little rebellious streak! What do expect us to do? Automatically glean a masterful insight to all these new regime changes and economic shifts?’

“You could at least try instead of sitting in your room all day eating cake and watching those trashy romance flicks with Chrysalis!”

‘Hold thine tongue, sister! Those are great works of art!’

-Please, I could shit one of those out in a day and it’d still be better! What we need to do is spend less of our resources on diabetes-causing cake and superficial facial applications and focus on getting more books into the hooves of those that want them!-

[Which would be only you. Just because you look like a socially-inept bookworm doesn’t mean we all wish to, Twilight. Some of us actually care about how we present ourselves to one another.]

-Why you two-timing, ditzy-headed, candyland reject!-

[THAT DOES IT!]

“FUCK YOU!”

‘WE REQUEST THOU CONSUME FECAL DEPOSITS!’

The table betwixt the princesses was uprooted and Applejack watched in a stunned silence as the rest of her council began to fight, spouting nothing but pure vitriol as their bodies flew into one another with thunder-worthy booms.

>...right. So, uh, meetin’ adjorned? Maybe we’ll try this again later….

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>AJ12
"77"

>Hey I'm back.

"Welcome back, how was the job application?"

>Uh...how are you at cleaning shark's blood off your knife?

"I have experience with cleaning it, too much."

>Wow, cryptic much?

"Sorry, I get a bit nervous thinking about...what I went through."

>You know we're all willing to hear about it if you want to vent. Considering you spent, y'know, years down there.

"...45 was the first..."

>Excuse me?

"To die. We were only just starting the mission, 50 was leading the way, 21 was carrying the standard, and we were all following them. 45 was a younger one, kept stopping to look at things in the cave, kept going on about how cool it was."

>Uh huh?

"We kept snapping at him, telling him to get back in formation, but he wouldn't listen, then we came to a fork in the cave. We went left, I guess he wandered right and...and..."

>It's okay, you can tell me.

"We found him torn apart a long time later, his insides just scooped out! There were bite marks on his chitin- his EYES, they ate his eyes!"

>What did?

"...them...the fucking...gahh..."

77 puts his hooves over his ears, eye shut tight as he whimpers to himself. 12 pats him on the back.

>I uh...I don't think I'm good at this psychologist stuff.
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>AJ56
“Pinkie Pie”
________

AJ56 trots about Ponyville on his way to school.

>My name is fifty-six, and I am here to say, I’m gonna grab your plot and that will brighten up my daaaaay~….

“That’s not the words to that song, silly!”

>You’re right, they’re better! What’cha got there?

“Oh this? It’s a super-duper extra-special three-tier molten vanilla chocolate marble cake! It’s on its way to Canterlot, specially ordered by Princess Celestia herself, mhm!

>...how much did that beast cost?

“Ooooooooh, let’s just say it covers my salary for the rest of the year!”

>Applejack’s gonna be pissed.

“Say, you mind helping me lift this bad boy onto my flank? It’s the least you could do for perverting my song!”

It’s at that moment, when that deranged pink pony swings her backside around to him, that AJ56 freezes, his eyes widening at the gyration set in motion, how her rump jiggles and sways just so under her movements.

>…

“Yoooohoooo, earth to… hey, who are you by the way? You look like one of those Changeling things we beat up awhile back!”

>…

“Earth to strange Changeling! Can you… are you drooling?”

>…

“Why’re you looking at my plotty-wotty all weird like--wait, is there a bug on my butt? Get it off get it off getitoff!”

AJ56 didn’t have time to react when she backed into him, her plot easily upending him and he found himself on his back, the soft weight of a yelling pink pony atop him with her rear-end situated over his chest.

“It is off yet? Hey, don’t black out on me! Is it gone, is it gone?”

>Best. Walk. To school. Ever.
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>Chrysalis
"SA"
~~~~~~

*DOOR EXPLODES!*

>Heeey buuuuddy!

"...Oh sweet merciful Celestia, no."

>Pffthaah! You shink Shell's mercig.. meesheep... you tink she's NISH!? She's a bizz! A big bootied bish!

"You found my wine reserves."

>Yeaaaah! ALL sha wine! Soooooo many diffint kinds! Red onsh, blue onsh, glash ones... losh o' those, in fac' I tink ty're all glash. Till' Ah' brokem, dat ish.

"How much did you drink? Please tell me you're the ultimate lightweight."

>NOPE! Ah' drank SHOOO MUSH WINE! Ah kept stumblin on allll the diffint bottlesh on the ground. Onsh you pop, you jush can't stop!

"...I'm might just cry, I'll be honest with you. That wine collection has been building since I was sixteen. This time, it actually will be liquid pride. All the pride I had? Just pouring out."

>HAH! Yer' funny.

She wobbles up to his desk, and then abruptly and clumsily jumps on top of it

>C'mon! Les' do shom fun stuff. Ah'm so wasted ah' won't even 'member it!

"And this is supposed to make me want you more."

>...Well, yesh? Free fornc... froinic... free booty!

"Why me? For the love of all that's holy, why, oh why, do you want me? I never see you try to seduce any of my guards, or staff, or anyone! Just me! WHY ME!?"

She lifts her head up, seeming to contemplate this.

And then immediately drops her chin on top of Shining Armor's head.

"My one regret is that you missed my horn."

>...Cause yer' Shiny.

"...I beg your pardon?"

>Losh o' guys out therr, but you know how many woulda be nish to one of ush afta the weddin' thing? Jush one. Juust... jussst Shiny. Yer' speshal.

"...Please stop it before I feel sympathy for you."

>I mish when I was Caddy. Being Cadensh wash... it wash ta' happiest time o' my life. Ah' wish ah' could go back.

"...Please tell me that liquid dribbling over my face is drool."

>...

"Yeah, I know how that sounds, but the alternative-"

>zzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Great... just bucking fantastic."

>Zzzzz...

"...my neck hurts."
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Luna’
-Twilight-
[Cadance]
{42}
~~~~~~

>Alright, let's try this again!

{Why am I here? I'm not a princess.}

>Well, yer' Queen ain't available, so yer' gonna have ta' stand in for her. Dealin' with ya'll is one of the topics.

'We propose genocide for the Changelings!'

"Seconded."

{What!?}

>Now wait a minute-

[YOU FUCKING BITCHES TRY TO *TOUCH* TWO, AND I WILL CUT YOU ALL AND SERVE YOU AS ALICORN PIE!]

'...an exception can be made for Applejack Two.'

"Seconded."

{I'm in there room here!}

-Can we make an exception for her too?-

>TWI!

-I'm not saying I'm for it! Just... wanted clarification there.-

>We ain't genocidin' anything!

'Then we are out of ideas! Good day to you!'

>SIT DOWN!

'...Drat. Almost worked.'

{I feel really uncomfortable in this room.}

[Ooooh, don't worry sweetie, I wouldn't let them kill you! Shiny likes you. And I'm sure Changeling tastes terrible.]

-Nobody mentioned eating them.-

[Sorry, I have just been starving all morning, where's the cake?]

"Seconded"

>It's on it's way, now about the-

-What kind of cakes?-

>Lots of different kinds, now about the-

{Can I have some to?}

>Ye-

"No. Alicorns only."

{Please?}

"I've killed for less."

-Are the cakes in the bakery now?

>Yes, but that's not-

"All in favor of moving to the Bakery?"

'Aye!'

[Aye!]

-Aye!-

>...

-I wanted to fit in.-

"The ayes have it!"

*Everyone except 42 and AJ rush out*

>...Good meetin' everyone.
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>Chrysalis
“AJ2”
[Sombra]
__________

“Hey, Queen?”

>Do you really need to call me that? It’s not like you’re following my orders. Or reporting back to me. Or doing anything a Queen’s servant would normally do.

“Okay! Um… I just wanted to ask… why’re you rubbing your butt over Shiny’s desk?”

>Because someone has to take the ignition and do what needs to be done!

“Initiative, ladybug!”

>What the hell’s initiative?

“The word you meant to use!”

>First off, you need to quit making up words. Second, go eat some marshmallows or something, I’ve got havoc to lay down.

“What’s a marshmallow? And you really shouldn’t do that! It slows Shiny down!”

AJ2 begins hurriedly scooping up papers in her hooves.

>Good! The more he slows down, the more the Empire begins to slack, and then, when nopony expects it, I’ll leap in to take all of his love! Evil laugh time! Mwahahaha!

“B-but… no, but then Shiny would b-be saaaaaad!”

Sparkling tears gather in the corner of AJ2’s eyes.

>Oh sweet Celestia, oh shit- no, no, no, stop crying, 2, please, I’m sorry, I won’t-

From deep within the Crystal Empire castle echoes a rumbling roar of dread.

[GRAAAAAAAAWRGH]

>Hey, 2, look! Marchmalleys!

“*sniff* W-where…?”

>Um, they’re with Shiny! Let’s--let’s go find him and get you a big cup of marchmalleys!

“Yaaaay!”
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>Twilight
"Sombra"
~~~~~
>Good morning, Sombra. I've heard you've come to see yourself as my surrogate niece's bodyguard, but you can't do that terribly well without a body to guard with.

"?!?!"

>No, sorry, I didn't give you your body back. But... I did give you A body. Take a look and tell me what you think

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdv9I7j1yeo"

NON CANON
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>Celestia
"Applejack"
~~~~~

>What do you mean, we aren't winning yet!?

"Ah' wish ya' wouldn't reduce all the work ah' do to a glorified footrace."

>Back on topic! Us, losing, how!?

"We ain't losing! They're SLIGHTLY better than us right now thanks ta' the massive export boom that just occurred."

>Exporting what?

"Do ya'll not pay attention? One o' theirs figured out some mumbo jumbo that makes a crystal work like glass, only it never streaks or needs cleanin', and it's crazy durable. Only problem is, it only works on a special kind of crystal, which only is found in..."

>Well... then ban that glass or something!

"Ya' do realize that their biggest buyers are the Gryphons an' the pegasi, right? Canterlot ain't all that high on their list."

>Well, we can't keep losing like this! We're Canterlot! The most prestigious place on the PLANET! And they're showing us up!

"Ya know that nobody else knows about this, right? Yer' the only one who keeps track of how well our economies are doing in relation to each other. Nobody else has access to these numbers."

>We need a plan... to stop that paperwork in it's tracks!

"...So do ya'll just think an economy is run by, like, paperwork or somethin'? It's not. There's, jus', a bunch of factors here."

>Like what?

"...Huh. Ah' appear ta' have gone cross-eyed. So, Ah'll just point out that ya' don't need ta' send anyone else ta' pester Shining Armor, his paperwork is already hitting the dirt-"

>HAH! Soon, soon we will be on top yet again! AHA!

"-An, that's where Ah' make my exit. Have a nice night, Tia."

>You too!

*She walks off*

>... Am I brilliant or what? Knew Chrysalis would work. And nobody knows it was me! Yep, all according to plan... did I just hear a "pop"?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"Applejack"
'Shining Armor'
=Twilight=
+AJ2+
_Luna_

Someone mentioned Luna was apathetic and I couldn't help but be reminded of this scene. This is just a one shot thing.
#######################################

Celestia sits in the throne room at night when Luna walks in.

_Celestia? What is thou doing up? It's our turn to watch the night._

>You've revisited the dark moments of your past, and now you must face the present.

_...oh we get it. This is just a dream we are having. Thou art not here._

>Your confusion is natural. The others and I will help you understand.

_Others?_

"Get away from her, Luna! Celestia's incompetent reign ends here."

_Neigh, tis just a dream. Our sister is not real._

>Applejack, I've had enough of your snide contempt!
Celestia's horn glow with purple and green energy.

'Hey, what's the commotion here?'

>Stay out of this Shining Armor! This is a personal dispute between Applejack and myself.

'You're threatening Applejack with magic, and I'm suppose to just stay out of it? No!'

_Why do we even bother?_

=I'm sorry Princess Celestia, but I can't let you hurt my brother or my friend.=

+Can I join too?+

>The 4 of you would challenge me? You sorely underestimate the power of the Sun.

"Think again, Celestia. Your influence will end!"

>Your friends are all arrayed against me. Will you stand for this, Luna?

_First of all they are not our friends. Second of all, thou art all just figments of our imaginations anyway. It doesn't matter what we do._

>So you will do nothing? Apathy is death. Worse than death because at least a rotting corpse feeds the beast and insects

"Apathy is death."
'Apathy is death.'
=Apathy is death.=
+Beep boop bweee!+
>APATHY IS DEATH!

Luna glares at the group with half open eyes as she levitates a revolver to her head and pulls the trigger. *bang*
She wakes up in bed and sees the sun still up.

_Perhaps we should take this as a sign that we should help with the paperwork and run the country...meh._
She levitates the disk for Knight of the Old Republic 2, vaporizes it, and goes back to sleep.
_The ending sucked anyway._


If you didn't get the reference type kotor2 Apathy is Death into youtube.
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>Aj 29
"18"
'Chrysalis'
[Cadence]
~AJ2~
-SA-
~~~~~~~

>...

"..."

'...'

[...]

>Well, obviously one of us is going to have to change, we can't ALL be Cadence!

[How about everyone except me, since, you know, I'm the only real Cadence!]

>Yes sweetie, we could tell. Oh, we could tell.

[What's that supposed to mean!?]

'He means you don't have an ass.'

[What!?]

"...Her ass isn't THAT small, guys."

[THANK YOU! God!]

>Oh, YOU would say that, wouldn't you?

'Right? Birds of a feather and all that.'

"Hey! My plot is fine!"

>Eeeh, six out of ten. But don't feel bad, at least it's not Cadence's two out of ten.

[Why you-!]

'Or my ten out of ten.'

>Eeeeeh, maybe an even seven, if we're being generous?

'Oh, HELL no! C'mere you little priss!'

>OW! Not the hair! Some of us actually take care of it, unlike 18!

"NO YOU DID NOT!"

[ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE]

*Shining Armor walks in the room with AJ2 just as the fighting is breaking out*

*A couple of tears start sprinkling out of his eyes.*

~Shiny? You okay?~

-...Fine, Two. Just... just mourning the loss of yet another one of my favorite and most cherished fantasies.-

~...Do you want to play Candyland?~

-...Yes.-
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