a guest Aug 20th, 2019 62 Never
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- The story
- So it started on the weekend of the 10th of August, we’d had a lovely weekend and everything was just fine. By this point Charlotte had been at NCS for a week and I was missing her a lot. So this weekend was very nice for me, we even exchanged a nice “Love you” as we cuddled and fell asleep together. But all of a sudden on Monday she started acting funny, one word responses with snaps of the ceiling etc. So I told her that if she’s busy we could chat when she got back. She didn’t end up messaging me when she got back so I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no and that she was just tired. So I accepted that and she started talking to me normally again, I even explained to her that I was beginning to struggle to cope being without her and she said that everything was going to be alright and she sent me love hearts as she went to sleep. Then the next day. Tuesday, the worst day of my life. All of a sudden, out of the blue. As if she’d never even given a single hint of care about me. She’d decided that she wanted a “break”. Her message was incredibly selfish and condescending, “I’m going through some stuff and I need to sort it out myself, I hope you can understand”. The lack of detail in the message sent me into emotional limbo. I was in complete darkness. Was it me? Was it something at home? Was something happening with Tasha? No... she’d decided at that point she’d wanted to break up with me but didn’t have the guts to say. And as you’d imagine I didn’t take this very lightly as I already told her I was struggling to cope and now she’s dropped this on me, I went into a hyperactive panic attack and I had to held down by 2 doctors and given a sedative. After I calmed down I messaged her again to say that I over reacted and I was willing to follow through with whatever makes her happy. But my gut was telling me that she still wanted me. We went quiet until Thursday. The second worst day of my life. This was our 6 months anniversary, from our infamous trip to Keswick where it all started. Obviously I needed to talk to her to make sure everything was ok because by this point I’d become an emotional wreck. Again, she came back with the condescending “I just need time” bullshit that left me hanging for so long. I tried to tell her how I was feeling but she just didn’t care for me anymore and made me out to be pressuring her and making her feel guilty. I then left her alone until Sunday. Doomsday. She’d finally plucked up the courage to call me and tell me that she didn’t want to be in a “physical relationship” anymore. Insinuating that I’ve been too clingy with her. Which in her defence is totally true, I’ve openly admitted that I’m too clingy because I wanted to savour the moments we had together. But instead of being upfront and honest with me like the kind and loving person I thought she was. She just dumped me on the spot. Over a problem I wasn’t even aware of. At the time I was playing her game to make her feel better but after a lot of thinking and everyone (including me) was saying that what she did was selfish and cruel I decided that I’d had enough . And this is where the pain began to multiply. What have I done to deserve this? I always gave my 100% effort to be the most kind and respectful boyfriend she could ask for but instead she spat in my face and kicked me into the dirt. After having no sleep on Monday morning I had my appointment at the doctors where I said that I was feeling suicidal and that I didn’t enjoy living anymore, and they just gave me shitty helplines to ring up so I respectfully declined. Later on Charlottes mum came to the door with my things, this was another turning point for me where I started to not want to take any more pain. In fact on the phone to my mum she said that I looked “ill”. You can imagine what my mums response was. After that I’d planned to try and get a second chance, I told jay about it and we both admitted that it probably wasn’t gonna work but I’d gotten so low that anything was worth the risk. So later that night I asked if we could start from the beginning and take it slow and by this point Charlotte had totally convinced herself not to love me anymore. Her response was condescending and unsympathetic once again. “I will block you”. This sent me over the top. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted a reason to be happy again. Another chance to fix the total mess we’d created. But no, fuck you Jack. I don’t love you anymore. Even though she said it to you the last time we met. From this point on I’d hit rock bottom. I was going to kill myself. I explained this to Charlotte and told Jay “I’m sorry”. And left. I was going to jump off the Brampton bypass under the A69. I went up there and dangled my legs off it while I was thinking about my life and that I don’t remember the last time I was happy. I also tried a couple extra stupid suicidal things I won’t get into because that’s not fair. But later a load of police cars had driven under the bypass because they were told by someone that I’d either be at the train station or at the quarry where we camp. After seeing those police cars I just froze and sunk. I could never do this to the people that care about me. I know that life isn’t worth it right now. But the grass is always greener on the other side. So I’d gathered myself after a lot of crying and shouting at the abyss and decided to absentmindedly walk in any direction. Actually I was walking towards the big red air field lights because I thought I might be able to do it of one of those. But in the middle of the motorway a police car stopped me and I just froze and fell to the floor in tears. I then got in the police car and they drove me to a safe spot where we talked and they got me on the phone to someone who could help. I just told them that I don’t know how to be truly happy anymore and I’ve had enough suffering. When all this cleared up the police drove me home to where 2 other police cars where as well as my gran. We went into my house where they had explained that they had emptied my room and took my prom picture to use as missing person evidence. The way they actually found me was by going on my laptop and discovering that I was looking at the spot on google maps. Good for them I guess. I then messaged people to say that I was safe and sorry. The next morning I contacted the same people to organise an appointment which I’m about to goto now.
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