Fate Living Situation + Other/Additional Stuff

The following are DMs between me and another person. However, I have only included the stuff I said (slightly edited to show that I was responding to some of the things the other person was saying). For general knowledge, yes, this was part of a single conversation in DM and the part that I copy pasted alone spanned about 40 minutes.

I think my main problem is my current situation
it's just all kinds of f.ucked
it is currently impossible to see anyone right now
yeah, I still live with my mom when I'm f.ucking 27, but there's way more to it
I really
can't do anything here
and by that I mean
I can't leave the house because I don't even have a house key
now that being said, I've been through the neighborhood
the closest people to my age are legit
14.
or 40+/
there is no one close to my age
another problem is I can't drive
I had a couple of jarring experiences so I'm way too nervous to drive anymore
so I never got my license
don't have a car
so I can't even travel places to try to meet people
and now, because of this pandemic
my mom doesn't allow anyone into our house besides those that already live there (her, myself, and my brother)
that includes
other family members
so I'd never even be able to invite people I met online
the last time I hung out with friends in person was march 2020
so it's been almost 2 years
that I've been cut off from people
I'm 27 years old and it feels like I'm 27 months old
there are freaking 18 year olds, teens, that have a job, have their own place, have friends
I don't have any of that shit
and I f.ucking hate my life because of it
I call it self loathing instead of self pity
it's not like I'm not trying
I've been searching and applying for jobs for the past 4 years
ok I took a break when I returned to college
but still
that job I got 2 years ago
that was my FIRST EVER job
and I lost it only a few months later
b/c of this f.ucking pandemic
haven't gotten another one ever since
can't ever get my own place if I don't have a job
so I'm just f.ucked until then
27
27 and I can't do shit with my life.
the only thing I can do is keep searching and applyin
and hope I get a job
and then work for idk
forever.
until I have enough money to get my own place
I don 't want much
legit
1 floor, 4 rooms is enough
bedroom
kitchen
bathroom
living room
good enough for me (ok a laundry room too)
but like
how do I travel
there is no public transportation where I live
not even close
all I said was
I don't have a job
I never told you that
I don't have any money either
and the fact that I still don't have one
after all this time
is straight up depressing
no it really is
school was my only chance to do something with my life
if I did well in school, I could get a good job and support myself
did well in school, graduated from college, have an associate's and a bachelor's
still get rejected from every job
so like idk wtf to do
I don't have any actual talent or anything
oh that's the problem
I still
can't drive
obviously that's my own fault more than anything but I can't help it
why can't I just do the basic shit like everyone else
why did I have to have these stupid 2 bad experiences that f.ucked me over
like
ugh
being different like this is not okay
I guess the hard thing is
idk how to start since I'm one of the few people who doesn't have the simple things like transportation or money
well the plan I've always had was to get a job, if I get a job, then I can support myself and everything sort of opens up
what other ways
would I make money
honest question, not trying to talk shit
LEGALLY BTW
yeah I sort of don't have a choice but to look into remote work
maybe I'm an idiot because I haven't found much and what I have found has all just been rejections
I think the hardest thing for me is
not being able to leave my house
I've never had to deal with that before
so even with not having a job or money
I could at least get out
get out and walk
listen to music
and when I was living on campus still in college, I was living right there with friends
right, regarding the not having a key situation
when the condo I'm currently living in was purchased, only my mother and brother were there to sign the lease
I was away at college at the time
and they only gave/made 1 key per person that signed it
so only her and my brother have a key
my mother works basically all the time and my brother is sort of in the same boat so I rarely even see them
neither of them want to lend me their key when they're home which sucks but there's nothing I can do about that
(end of living situation explanation)

(other/additional stuff)
when I say I spent most of my life living under a rock, I'm not kidding
I know nothin
it's f.ucking embarrassing
I think that's also my problem
since I have zero experiences with anything, even stuff like gaming, movies, and TV, I can't find stuff to relate to with others and can't make those connections
yeah, I live a sheltered life and it's basically f.ucked me over hard
and since people are so quick to judge like
you can't tell them about it
so I just don't
I keep this shit to myself
been doing it my entire life
until I joined this server
yeah I guess I'm just
lazy isn't the word
but after what league did to me
I'm worried that other games will make me toxic
like I legit
have considered
watching anime, TV, playing new games
just so I could talk with others about it
rather than sit outside and feel left out
but my problem also is that
I am absolute dogshit
at everything lol
true but
ugh this is gonna sound so bad
I'm excessively competitive
because of how bad I am at everything
which doesn't make sense
yeah
not being good at anything somehow made me competitive
worst f.ucking combo ever
I know being competitive is just gonna make me angry at games
take league for example
that game made me so f.ucking toxic
for starters, I had friends that bothered me for 2 years to play it
I eventually gave in and joined them
but by the time I had finally gotten a hang of everything and started enjoying the game
all of them had quit within the next 6 months
so I've basically been playing league solo for the past 5 or so years
granted I'm not toxic in general
but when I play league
I accept the fact that I'm just going to hell
league was my first moba/Pvp game
but nah, not my first ever game
I played pokemon
and fire emblem
single player games
so they never made me toxic
but single player games can't be played with friends
so you see the issue
this might sound weird but I guess want the community of gaming friends I make to be in this server? lol
I mean
as bad as I am with making friends and conversation
if I'm ever gonna have a chance
it's gonna be with people from this server
there are things I've said here that I have never said and will never say anywhere else
probably ever
I mean I rarely have anything to say
unless it's something I can relate to or have experience with
dw
you've already helped a lot
I really just wanted to get some of this off my chest
thanks for lending your ears, I know you didn't see any of this coming lol