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Stop Walking on Eggshells | Quotes about BPD

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  1. Stop Walking on Eggshells (Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger)
  2. - Highlight on Page 16 | Loc. 242-44 | Added on Friday, May 23, 2014, 06:01 PM
  3.  
  4. Many articles discussed the difficulties of treating border- line clients, whom some practitioners view as being needy, challenging, and slow to improve—if they get better at all.
  5. ==========
  6. Stop Walking on Eggshells (Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger)
  7. - Highlight on Page 20 | Loc. 294-96 | Added on Friday, May 23, 2014, 07:49 PM
  8.  
  9. “Even my body functions were criticized. My borderline mother claimed that I didn’t eat, walk, talk, think, sit, run, urinate, cry, sneeze, cough, laugh, bleed, or hear correctly.”
  10. ==========
  11. Stop Walking on Eggshells (Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger)
  12. - Highlight on Page 20 | Loc. 297-99 | Added on Friday, May 23, 2014, 07:51 PM
  13.  
  14. With the assistance of volunteers I met on the message boards, I estab- lished a website about BPD (www.BPDCentral.com) and organized an online community for non-BPs called Welcome to Oz.
  15. ==========
  16. Stop Walking on Eggshells (Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger)
  17. - Highlight on Page 21 | Loc. 316-18 | Added on Friday, May 23, 2014, 07:54 PM
  18.  
  19. Borderline personality disorder is a controversial, complex topic. Just defining it is like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands, blindfolded, and in the rain.
  20. ==========
  21. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  22. - Highlight on Page 11 | Added on Friday, May 23, 2014, 10:36 PM
  23.  
  24. It wasn’t always like this. Before we got married, we had a whirlwind, fantasy courtship. She idolized me—said I was perfect for her in so many ways. The sex was incredible. I wrote her love poems and bought her expensive gifts. We got engaged after four months, and a year later we were married and on a ten-thousand-dollar dream honeymoon. But right after the wedding she began taking meaningless little things and turning them into mountains of criticism, interrogation, and pain. She accused me of wanting other women constantly and would point out imaginary “examples” to substantiate her claims. She became threatened by my friends and began cutting them down. She said bad things about my business, my past, my values, my pride—anything connected to me.
  25. ==========
  26. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  27. - Highlight on Page 17 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 01:04 AM
  28.  
  29. Your message should be that when there are problems in relationships, both people need to work on them together.
  30. ==========
  31. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  32. - Highlight on Page 22 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 09:13 PM
  33.  
  34. A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, selfimage, and affects [moods], and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by f ive (or more) of the following: 1. 2. 3. 4. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Identity disturbance: Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). 225. T he Inner World of the Borderline Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. 6. 7. 8. 9. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
  35. ==========
  36. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  37. - Highlight on Page 24 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 09:36 PM
  38.  
  39. When your BP becomes upset or angry, it may help to think about whether anything has happened that might be triggering fears of abandonment.
  40. ==========
  41. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  42. - Highlight on Page 25 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 09:45 PM
  43.  
  44. People with BPD look to others to provide things they find difficult to supply for themselves, such as self-esteem, approval, and a sense of identity. Most of all, they are searching for a nurturing caregiver whose never-ending love and compassion will fill the black hole of emptiness and despair inside them.
  45. ==========
  46. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  47. - Highlight on Page 25 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 09:47 PM
  48.  
  49. People with BPD are hypervigilant, looking for any cues that might reveal that the person they care about doesn’t really love them after all and is about to desert them. When their fears seem to be confirmed, they may: 25Stop Walking on Eggshells • • • • • • • erupt into a rage make accusations sob seek revenge mutilate themselves have an affair do other destructive things
  50. ==========
  51. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  52. - Highlight on Page 26 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 10:24 PM
  53.  
  54. Because people with BPD have a hard time integrating a person’s good and bad traits, their current opinion of someone is often based on their last interaction with them—like someone who lacks a short-term memory.
  55. ==========
  56. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  57. - Highlight on Page 26 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 10:30 PM
  58.  
  59. their needs, they cast you in the role of superhero. But when they per
  60. ==========
  61. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  62. - Highlight on Page 27 | Added on Saturday, May 24, 2014, 10:33 PM
  63.  
  64. A child emotionally, the borderline cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile another’s good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either “good” or “evil”; there is no inbetween, no gray area. Nuances and shadings are grasped with great difficulty, if at all.
  65. ==========
  66. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  67. - Highlight on Page 27 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:02 AM
  68.  
  69. When you are good, you may feel entitled to special treatment and live outside the rules made for others. You may feel entitled to take whatever you wish and have everything good for yourself.
  70. ==========
  71. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  72. - Highlight on Page 30 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:07 AM
  73.  
  74. Identity diffusion refers to borderline patients’ profound and often terrifying sense that they do not know who they are. Normally, we experience ourselves consistently through time in different settings and with different people. This continuity of self is not experienced by the person with BPD.
  75. ==========
  76. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  77. - Highlight on Page 30 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:09 AM
  78.  
  79. Instead, borderline patients are filled with contradictory images of themselves that they cannot integrate. Patients commonly report: • • • • • • feeling empty inside feeling there is “nothing to me” feeling that they are different people depending on whom they are with being dependent on others for cues about how to behave, what to think, and how to be feeling that being alone leaves them without a sense of who they are or with the feeling that they do not exist feeling panicked and bored when alone A sense of inner emptiness and chaos renders borderline patients dependent on others for cues about how to behave, what to think, and how to be; whereas being alone leaves them without a sense of who they are or with the feeling that they do not exist. This, in part, accounts for these patients’ frantic and often impulsive effort to avoid being alone, as well as their descriptions of panic, crushing boredom, and dissociation.
  80. ==========
  81. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  82. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:13 AM
  83.  
  84. see themselves as helpless victims of other people—even when their own behavior has affected the outcome of a particular situation
  85. ==========
  86. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  87. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:14 AM
  88.  
  89.  
  90. ==========
  91. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  92. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:15 AM
  93.  
  94.  
  95. ==========
  96. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  97. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:15 AM
  98.  
  99. The Role of Victim. For example, during group therapy, a borderline man complained that his landlord had evicted him and he had no place to live. After twenty minutes of commiseration, group members began asking him why this had happened. It turned out that the man had violated many apartment rules, including parking in the landlord’s space. Another borderline woman repeatedly battered her husband, had numerous affairs, and had her husband falsely arrested for possession of drugs after she planted them in his suitcase. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Her ex-husband began dating a woman he worked with. Yet, when the woman described the breakup to her friends, she told them that her husband deserted her for a coworker. These two BPs refused to recognize their role in the situations.
  100. ==========
  101. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  102. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:15 AM
  103.  
  104.  
  105. ==========
  106. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  107. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:16 AM
  108.  
  109.  
  110. ==========
  111. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  112. - Highlight on Page 31 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:16 AM
  113.  
  114. The victim role gives people with BPD the illusion that they are not responsible for their own actions.
  115. ==========
  116. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  117. - Highlight on Page 33 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:19 AM
  118.  
  119. According to the DSM-IV (2004) about 8–10 percent of all people with BPD commit suicide.
  120. ==========
  121. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  122. - Highlight on Page 35 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:23 AM
  123.  
  124. “To tell you the truth, I think I did it so someone would notice that in fact I needed help.”
  125. ==========
  126. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  127. - Highlight on Page 35 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:23 AM
  128.  
  129. to communicate emotional pain to others or ask for help
  130. ==========
  131. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  132. - Highlight on Page 35 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:23 AM
  133.  
  134. to express anger at others
  135. ==========
  136. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  137. - Highlight on Page 36 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:24 AM
  138.  
  139. Other people are more open about the results of their self-injury—perhaps because it’s a way of asking for help or a method of communicating their pain.
  140. ==========
  141. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  142. - Highlight on Page 38 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:28 AM
  143.  
  144. think that borderlines are concerned with only one thing: losing love. When cornered, I get very scared and I show that by getting angry. Anger is easier to feel than fear and makes me feel less vulnerable. I strike before being struck. When I’m mad, all the intellectual understanding in the world doesn’t help. The only thing that helps is when my husband says to me, “I know you are scared and not angry.” At that moment my anger melts away and I can feel my fear again.
  145. ==========
  146. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  147. - Highlight on Page 39 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:30 AM
  148.  
  149. Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that I am f lawed and defective as a human being. It is no longer an emotion that signals our limits; it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, the feeling of being isolated, empty, and alone in a complete sense. Exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself
  150. ==========
  151. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  152. - Highlight on Page 40 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:31 AM
  153.  
  154. excessive people pleasing
  155. ==========
  156. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  157. - Highlight on Page 40 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:32 AM
  158.  
  159. Conversely, some people with BPD may cope with feeling out of control by giving up their own power; for example, they may choose a lifestyle where all choices are made for them, such as the military or a cult, or they may align themselves with abusive people who try to control them through
  160. ==========
  161. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  162. - Highlight on Page 41 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:33 AM
  163.  
  164. When we’re lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This is very comforting even if these people are far away—sometimes, even if they’re no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy
  165. ==========
  166. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  167. - Highlight on Page 43 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:41 AM
  168.  
  169. Almost universally, non-BPs say they feel manipulated by the BPs in their lives. If the non-BP doesn’t do what the BP wants them to do, the BP may threaten to break off the relationship, call the police, or even kill him- or herself.
  170. ==========
  171. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  172. - Highlight on Page 45 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:45 AM
  173.  
  174. Under stress, they cope through self-destructive behaviors, such as self-injury and suicidality. The term for this is “acting in”—as opposed to “acting out,” which we’ll get to shortly.
  175. ==========
  176. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  177. - Highlight on Page 45 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:45 AM
  178.  
  179. T hey often have overlapping, or co-occurring, disorders, such as eating disorders
  180. ==========
  181. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  182. - Highlight on Page 45 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 05:45 AM
  183.  
  184.  
  185. ==========
  186. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  187. - Highlight on Page 51 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:10 PM
  188.  
  189. • • • • • • • • I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person.
  190. ==========
  191. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  192. - Highlight on Page 51 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:11 PM
  193.  
  194. Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be blamed and punished for it.
  195. ==========
  196. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  197. - Highlight on Page 51 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:12 PM
  198.  
  199. My feelings are caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
  200. ==========
  201. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  202. - Highlight on Page 51 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:13 PM
  203.  
  204. I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what. But if someone close to this loves me,
  205. ==========
  206. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  207. - Highlight on Page 51 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:13 PM
  208.  
  209. I can’t stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can’t get it. I’ve got to do something to make it go away.
  210. ==========
  211. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  212. - Highlight on Page 52 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:14 PM
  213.  
  214. People with BPD, however, may do the opposite. When their feelings don’t fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings.
  215. ==========
  216. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  217. - Highlight on Page 52 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:39 PM
  218.  
  219. Minuet feels anxious, rejected, and jealous. Minuet’s emotions are confusing and overwhelming to her.
  220. ==========
  221. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  222. - Highlight on Page 52 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:41 PM
  223.  
  224. She might accuse Will of having a drinking problem. She might tell him that he’s a terrible person for wanting to be with friends instead of her after a hard work week. She unconsciously revises the facts so that her feelings make sense.
  225. ==========
  226. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  227. - Highlight on Page 53 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 03:52 PM
  228.  
  229. For example, the borderline may accuse you of “hating” them when you just feel irritated.
  230. ==========
  231. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  232. - Highlight on Page 57 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 04:47 PM
  233.  
  234. Your BP girlfriend accuses you again and again of not loving her and wanting to abandon her. For years, you try to get her to see that this isn’t true, but nothing works. Exhausted, you realize that the relationship is over and you need to get on with your life—thereby “abandoning” her.
  235. ==========
  236. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  237. - Highlight on Page 58 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:20 PM
  238.  
  239. Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BPs accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: “The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.”
  240. ==========
  241. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  242. - Highlight on Page 58 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:23 PM
  243.  
  244. Continual blame and criticism are other defense mechanisms people with BPD who act out use. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person with BPD has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy on the borderline’s part. Family members we interviewed have been raged at and castigated for such things as carrying a grocery bag the wrong way, having bedsheets that weighed too heavily on the BP’s toes, and reading a book the BP demanded they read.
  245. ==========
  246. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  247. - Highlight on Page 58 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:24 PM
  248.  
  249. The borderline’s unconscious thinking process may go like this: “If there is just one thing wrong with me, then everything is wrong with me. If everything is wrong with me, I really am as defective as I feel. And when people find out I’m defective, they will abandon me. So there just can’t be anything wrong with me—it has to be someone else’s fault!”
  250. ==========
  251. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  252. - Highlight on Page 59 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:25 PM
  253.  
  254. angry, impulsive, and manipulative behavior is really a misguided attempt to elicit involvement and caring.
  255. ==========
  256. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  257. - Highlight on Page 59 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:26 PM
  258.  
  259.  
  260. ==========
  261. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  262. - Highlight on Page 59 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:27 PM
  263.  
  264.  
  265. ==========
  266. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  267. - Highlight on Page 59 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:27 PM
  268.  
  269. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. What seems like
  270. ==========
  271. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  272. - Highlight on Page 60 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:33 PM
  273.  
  274. Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults.
  275. ==========
  276. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  277. - Highlight on Page 60 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:36 PM
  278.  
  279. • Domination: way. T he person resorts to threats to get their own Verbal assaults: This includes reprimanding, humiliating, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm in a cutting way. It also involves exaggerating 60Making Sense of Chaos your faults and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and selfworth.
  280. ==========
  281. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  282. - Highlight on Page 61 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 07:48 PM
  283.  
  284. Abusive expectations: T he other person makes unreasonable demands and expects that you will be their first priority—no matter what. This includes denouncing your needs for attention and support.
  285. ==========
  286. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  287. - Highlight on Page 61 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 08:03 PM
  288.  
  289. If I asked her about her unhappiness, she told me I was too sensitive and paranoid. If I ignored the unhappiness, she said I didn’t care about her.
  290. ==========
  291. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  292. - Highlight on Page 61 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 08:07 PM
  293.  
  294. If I praised her, she thought I was up to something. If I criticized her, I was trying to hurt her.
  295. ==========
  296. Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (Michael Brunsfeld)
  297. - Highlight on Page 43 | Loc. 648 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 09:14 PM
  298.  
  299. (From The Secret Lives of Words, by Paul West)
  300. ==========
  301. Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (Michael Brunsfeld)
  302. - Highlight on Page 43 | Loc. 655 | Added on Sunday, May 25, 2014, 09:15 PM
  303.  
  304. (From Fighting Words, by Christine Ammer)
  305. ==========
  306. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  307. - Highlight on Page 63 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:22 AM
  308.  
  309. They don’t know how to set healthy personal limits, and genuine intimacy may make them feel vulnerable. They may be afraid you might see the “real” them, be repulsed, and leave them. So they begin to distance themselves to avoid feeling vulnerable or controlled. They may pick a fight with you, “forget” to do something important, or do something dramatic or explosive.
  310. ==========
  311. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  312. - Highlight on Page 65 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:25 AM
  313.  
  314. For example, if you and the BP have agreed to meet at a certain time and place, he may show up an hour late. If you “fail” the test by becoming irritated or giving up and going home, the person with BPD may feel his unworthiness has been confirmed. This makes the world more predictable and therefore safer. If you “pass” the test by tolerating his actions, he may escalate the behavior (perhaps by showing up many hours late next time), until you finally blow up in anger. Then you become the bad guy, and the BP becomes the victim. You may be wondering, “What kind of test is this? No matter what happens, we both fail!” You’re right. It doesn’t make any sense in your world. But it does in the borderline world.
  315. ==========
  316. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  317. - Highlight on Page 65 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:27 AM
  318.  
  319. Many adult borderlines—especially those with young children—have noticed that their view of the world can be very childlike. Splitting, object constancy problems, abandonment and engulfment issues, identity issues, narcissistic demands, seeming lack of empathy, and seeming manipulation are all borderline thinking patterns that correspond to developmental stages in children.
  320. ==========
  321. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  322. - Highlight on Page 65 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:27 AM
  323.  
  324. Some people with BPD feel patronized or insulted when people point out these similarities.
  325. ==========
  326. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  327. - Highlight on Page 68 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:29 AM
  328.  
  329. Filled with self-loathing, people with BPD may: • • • accuse others of hating them become so critical and easily enraged that people eventually want to leave them blame others and put themselves in the role of victim
  330. ==========
  331. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  332. - Highlight on Page 68 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:31 AM
  333.  
  334. BELIEF: I am responsible for all the problems in this relationship. FACT: Each person is responsible for 50 percent of the relationship.
  335. ==========
  336. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  337. - Highlight on Page 69 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:32 AM
  338.  
  339. BELIEF: It’s my responsibility to solve this person’s problems, and if I don’t do it, no one else will. FACT: By trying to take charge of the borderline’s life, you may be giving them the message that they can’t take care of themselves. You’re also avoiding the opportunity to change the relationship by focusing on yourself.
  340. ==========
  341. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  342. - Highlight on Page 69 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:32 AM
  343.  
  344. BELIEF: If I can convince the person with BPD I am right, these problems will disappear. FACT: BPD is a serious disorder that profoundly affects the way people think, feel, and behave. You can’t talk someone out of it no matter how persuasive you are
  345. ==========
  346. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  347. - Highlight on Page 69 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:33 AM
  348.  
  349.  
  350. ==========
  351. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  352. - Highlight on Page 70 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:33 AM
  353.  
  354. BELIEF: No matter what my BP does, I should offer them my love, understanding, support, and unconditional acceptance. FACT: There is a big difference between loving, supporting, and accepting the person and loving, supporting, and accepting their behavior. In fact, if you support and accept unhealthy behavior, you may be encouraging it to continue and perpetuating your own suffering.
  355. ==========
  356. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  357. - Highlight on Page 70 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:35 AM
  358.  
  359. Non-BPs being devalued by someone with BPD cherish clear and powerful memories of the times when the borderline thought they could do no wrong. Some family members say they feel like the person who loved them has died and that someone they do not know has taken over the BP’s body. One non-BP said, “If I had cancer, at least I would die just once. This emotional abuse ensures that I die many, many times and that I will always live on the edge.”
  360. ==========
  361. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  362. - Highlight on Page 71 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:36 AM
  363.  
  364. For three years he told me the problem was me—that my shortcomings ruined everything. And I believed him. I turned my back on some of my good friends because he didn’t like them. I rushed home after work because he said he needed me. Then we had a big fight, and now I’m lonely and depressed because I don’t have anybody else to turn to.
  365. ==========
  366. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  367. - Highlight on Page 74 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 05:24 PM
  368.  
  369. Over time, accusations can have a brainwashing effect. Non-BPs may come to believe they are the source of all the problems. This is extremely damaging when it happens to children, who look up to their parents and who do not have the capacity to question an adult borderline’s accusations or assumptions.
  370. ==========
  371. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  372. - Highlight on Page 75 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 05:28 PM
  373.  
  374. Many non-BPs say that friends often suggest solutions that are simplistic or unacceptable, which leaves the non-BPs feeling misunderstood.
  375. ==========
  376. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  377. - Highlight on Page 75 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 05:29 PM
  378.  
  379. Frequently, non-BPs become isolated because the BPs in their lives insist that they cut off ties with others. Too often, the non-BPs comply. Once a non-BP becomes more isolated, several things can happen: • • • T hey may become more emotionally dependent on the BP. Because they are out of touch with the real world, the outrageousness of BPD behavior may seem normal once there is nothing to compare it to. Friends can no longer observe the relationship and talk to the non-BP about unhealthy components of the relationship.
  380. ==========
  381. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  382. - Highlight on Page 76 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 05:42 PM
  383.  
  384. Non-BPs often begin to see things in black and white and see all-ornothing solutions to problems. Moodiness is also extremely common in nonBPs—they’re often in a good mood when the BP is up and a bad mood when the BP is down.
  385. ==========
  386. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  387. - Highlight on Page 76 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:05 PM
  388.  
  389. T he non-BP often performs valiant and heroic acts of kindness, no matter what the price to themselves. In an effort to help the person they love, they: swallow their anger • • • ignore their own needs accept behavior that most people would find intolerable forgive the same transgressions again and again
  390. ==========
  391. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  392. - Highlight on Page 76 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:10 PM
  393.  
  394. Many non-BPs assume that by subordinating their own needs for the sake of the BP (or to avoid a fight), they are helping. While the non-BP’s motives are commendable, this actually enables, or reinforces, inappropriate behavior. Borderlines learn that their actions will have few negative Continuing to put up with BPD behavior rarely makes the BP happy. consequences; therefore, they have little motivation to change.
  395. ==========
  396. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  397. - Highlight on Page 77 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:16 PM
  398.  
  399. Despite the abuse, I felt like I couldn’t leave. How could I abandon someone who’d already suffered so many misfortunes? I
  400. ==========
  401. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  402. - Highlight on Page 77 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:19 PM
  403.  
  404. “Aren’t you being a bit pompous? Who do you think you are, God? You’re not God. You are not responsible. And you can’t fix this person. Your job is to accept that fact. Live with it. And make the decisions you have to make to live your life.”
  405. ==========
  406. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  407. - Highlight on Page 77 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:29 PM
  408.  
  409. What’s left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. We say that everything is fine when it isn’t. What used to be a graceful 77Stop Walking on Eggshells dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.
  410. ==========
  411. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  412. - Highlight on Page 78 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:29 PM
  413.  
  414.  
  415. ==========
  416. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  417. - Highlight on Page 78 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:39 PM
  418.  
  419.  
  420. ==========
  421. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  422. - Highlight on Page 79 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:41 PM
  423.  
  424. Are you making decisions out of fear, obligation, and guilt?
  425. ==========
  426. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  427. - Highlight on Page 82 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:43 PM
  428.  
  429. Tool 2: Uncover what keeps you feeling stuck: owning your choices; helping others without rescuing; and handling fear, obligation, and guilt.
  430. ==========
  431. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  432. - Highlight on Page 83 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:44 PM
  433.  
  434. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. —Eleanor Roosevelt
  435. ==========
  436. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  437. - Highlight on Page 83 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:48 PM
  438.  
  439. It is not your job to convince everyone to see things your way
  440. ==========
  441. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  442. - Highlight on Page 83 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:48 PM
  443.  
  444. It can be frustrating and heartbreaking to watch people you love act in ways that hurt themselves and others. But no matter what you do, you can’t control others’ behavior. Moreover, it’s not your job—unless, of course, the person with BPD in your life is your minor child
  445. ==========
  446. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  447. - Highlight on Page 83 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:49 PM
  448.  
  449. Your job is:Stop Walking on Eggshells • • • to know who you are to act according to your own values and beliefs to communicate what you need and want to the people in your life You can always encourage people to do what you want through subtle or blatant rewards and punishments. But it is still their decision how to act.
  450. ==========
  451. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  452. - Highlight on Page 84 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:53 PM
  453.  
  454. For people with BPD, admitting that anything about them is less than perfect, let alone acknowledging that they may have a personality disorder, can send them into a spiral of shame and self-doubt
  455. ==========
  456. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  457. - Highlight on Page 84 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:54 PM
  458.  
  459. To avoid this, people with BPD may employ a powerful and common defense mechanism: denial. They may maintain that nothing is wrong with them, despite clear evidence to the contrary. They would rather lose things very important to them—jobs, friends, and family—than lose themselves. (O
  460. ==========
  461. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  462. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:55 PM
  463.  
  464. People with BPD may seek to avoid confronting problems other people want them to face. They may ask for help or try to alter their behavior—but not on your schedule. If they change, it will be in their own time and in their own way. In fact, it could be detrimental to force others to admit to having problems before they are ready.
  465. ==========
  466. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  467. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:56 PM
  468.  
  469. Denying our problems is a coping mechanism that helps us borderlines keep the pain and fear under control. The larger the fear, the larger the denial. Please don’t try to rip away the denial from borderlines who aren’t ready to face the blackness inside. It may be all that’s keeping them alive.
  470. ==========
  471. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  472. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:56 PM
  473.  
  474. So the BP has destroyed a relationship? She moves on to the next one and the next one after that and so on and so forth. A BP loses a job over his behavior? He blames the boss and moves on to the next one and then the next. She loses custody of her children? It’s the damned court system. The fear of change and the fear of the unknown are quite compelling. Thus, denial can be extremely powerful. And in the case of the borderline, the fears are so vast, so encompassing, and so overwhelming that denial can be absolute.
  475. ==========
  476. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  477. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:59 PM
  478.  
  479.  
  480. ==========
  481. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  482. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 06:59 PM
  483.  
  484.  
  485. ==========
  486. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  487. - Highlight on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:00 PM
  488.  
  489.  
  490. ==========
  491. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  492. - Note on Page 85 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:01 PM
  493.  
  494. check this
  495. ==========
  496. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  497. - Highlight on Page 87 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:07 PM
  498.  
  499. But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else. When you let go of this belief, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself.
  500. ==========
  501. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  502. - Highlight on Page 87 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:08 PM
  503.  
  504. The lighthouse can’t uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, “Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!” For you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else. No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship’s decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it knows how to be.
  505. ==========
  506. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  507. - Highlight on Page 87 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:10 PM
  508.  
  509. Non-BPs don’t usually ask for help when the BPs in their lives sing their praises. But it’s important to remember that the up side of splitting (idealization) also has its down side (devaluation).
  510. ==========
  511. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  512. - Highlight on Page 89 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:29 PM
  513.  
  514. You can trigger borderline behavior quite easily as you go about your day. That doesn’t mean, however, that you caused the behavior.
  515. ==========
  516. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  517. - Highlight on Page 90 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:36 PM
  518.  
  519. How to Live with a Mentally Ill Person
  520. ==========
  521. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  522. - Highlight on Page 90 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:37 PM
  523.  
  524. Once you begin to accept that a mentally ill person will sometimes behave irrationally, you alleviate some of your own internal stress and strain… [O]nce you do so you can begin to develop more effective coping mechanisms. No longer burdened by the “what-ifs” and “shoulds” in your mind, you can deal with the way things really are. And you seek out what works.
  525. ==========
  526. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  527. - Highlight on Page 91 | Added on Monday, May 26, 2014, 07:40 PM
  528.  
  529. Imagine if you were planning to have your wedding reception at the nicest hall in town, but two days before the wedding, lightning struck the hall and it burned to the ground. When you tried to find another site, you found that every other hall was booked. Naturally, you would be very upset and angry. But you wouldn’t feel personally attacked, as if the lightning bolt knew you and was deliberately trying to make your life miserable. You wouldn’t blame yourself for things beyond your control. But that is precisely what many people do when faced with the actions of a person with BPD. They spend years assuming they’re the source of the lightning when, in fact, they’re only the lightning rod.
  530. ==========
  531. ==========
  532. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  533. - Highlight on Page 92 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 08:56 PM
  534.  
  535. Many non-BPs—especially those who have chosen their relationship with the borderline—go through life trying to fix things for other people and rescue them. This gives them the illusion that they can change someone else. But it is just a fantasy that shifts responsibility away from the only person who has the power to change the borderline’s life—the BP. You can: • • • Spend twenty-four hours a day feeling your loved one’s pain for him or her. Put your life on hold, waiting for the BP to come around to your way of thinking. Let your entire emotional life be dictated by the mood of the moment. But none of that will help the person with BPD.
  536. ==========
  537. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  538. - Highlight on Page 92 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:05 PM
  539.  
  540. “People with BPD need their friends and family members to be stable and clear—not to reject them and not to smother them. They need you to let them take care of themselves and to not do things for them that they can do for themselves. The best way to do this and help them is by working on yourself.”
  541. ==========
  542. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  543. - Highlight on Page 92 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:09 PM
  544.  
  545. But if you stay, seek therapy for yourself if necessary and make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. You can’t lose your own identity. You must come first.
  546. ==========
  547. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  548. - Highlight on Page 93 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:11 PM
  549.  
  550. In Al-Anon we learn: • • • • • Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people. Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery. Not do for others what they could do for themselves. Not to create a crisis. Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
  551. ==========
  552. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  553. - Highlight on Page 93 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:14 PM
  554.  
  555.  
  556. ==========
  557. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  558. - Highlight on Page 93 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:14 PM
  559.  
  560. Don’t delay your own happiness. Grab it right now.
  561. ==========
  562. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  563. - Highlight on Page 94 | Added on Tuesday, May 27, 2014, 09:15 PM
  564.  
  565. • • • I didn’t I can’t cause it. control it. I can’t g cure it. • et off the BP’s back. g • et out of the BP’s way. g • et on with your own life
  566. ==========
  567. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  568. - Highlight on Page 95 | Added on Thursday, May 29, 2014, 07:35 PM
  569.  
  570. Chapter 6 discusses the issues of setting limits and responding to rage, blame, and criticism.
  571. ==========
  572. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  573. - Highlight on Page 95 | Added on Thursday, May 29, 2014, 07:36 PM
  574.  
  575.  
  576. ==========
  577. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  578. - Highlight on Page 95 | Added on Thursday, May 29, 2014, 07:36 PM
  579.  
  580. You do not have to listen to anyone else tell you that you’re an awful, terrible person. You have a choice.
  581. ==========
  582. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  583. - Highlight on Page 96 | Added on Thursday, May 29, 2014, 07:43 PM
  584.  
  585. And you control your own reactions to troublesome BPD behavior.
  586. ==========
  587. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  588. - Highlight on Page 96 | Added on Thursday, May 29, 2014, 07:52 PM
  589.  
  590.  
  591. ==========
  592. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  593. - Highlight on Page 98 | Added on Friday, May 30, 2014, 12:08 AM
  594.  
  595. Judy also impulsively bought luxury items like crystal vases and designer clothing, even though she was on public assistance and lived with Kevin and her nine-year-old son in a roach-infested apartment.
  596. ==========
  597. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  598. - Highlight on Page 98 | Added on Friday, May 30, 2014, 12:09 AM
  599.  
  600.  
  601. ==========
  602. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  603. - Highlight on Page 99 | Added on Friday, May 30, 2014, 12:10 AM
  604.  
  605. When a behavior is intermittently reinforced, extinguishing the behavior takes a lot longer once the reward has been removed. Intermittent reinforcement can work both ways. You are intermittently reinforced when the BP is in a good mood. You can’t predict when it will occur next—but you know it could be soon. The BP can also be intermittently reinforced when you occasionally cave in to his or her demands
  606.  
  607. ==========
  608. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  609. - Highlight on Page 101 | Added on Saturday, May 31, 2014, 11:00 PM
  610.  
  611. Some non-BPs think they are helpless in their relationship when, in actuality, they are feeling scared. Fear and anxiety are not the same as being 101Stop Walking on Eggshells helpless. Non-BPs are typically fearful that their efforts toward limit setting and change will be met with rage and anger. Therefore, in an effort to avoid negative reactions of BPs, non-BPs will describe themselves as “helpless.” Moreover, believing you are helpless may also serve the purpose of ridding yourself of any responsibility for making changes or for creating a better life for yourself. You may think that if you’re Fear and anxiety are not the same as being helpless. “helpless” that means you’re a “victim”—a person that others can’t blame for their situation.
  612. ==========
  613. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  614. - Highlight on Page 102 | Added on Saturday, May 31, 2014, 11:01 PM
  615.  
  616. It sometimes feels easier to be hurt than to be alone, but in the long run, abusive relationships can cause you to lose yourself, which is the ultimate loneliness.
  617. ==========
  618. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  619. - Highlight on Page 102 | Added on Saturday, May 31, 2014, 11:02 PM
  620.  
  621. Even emotionally healthy people can begin to question their own self-worth.
  622. ==========
  623. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  624. - Highlight on Page 103 | Added on Saturday, May 31, 2014, 11:03 PM
  625.  
  626. Do you believe that you have the following rights? • • • • • • • to feel respected as a person to get your physical and emotional needs met to be appreciated and not taken for granted to communicate effectively with your partner to have your privacy respected to not constantly fight for control Abusive relationships can cause you to lose yourself, which is the ultimate loneliness. to feel good about yourself and your relationship • • • • to trust, validate, and support each other to grow within and outside of the relationship to have your own opinions and thoughts to either stay in or leave the relationship As you may know, rights are neither respected nor acknowledged unless someone stands up for them. Are you ready to stand up for your rights?
  627. ==========
  628. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  629. - Highlight on Page 103 | Added on Sunday, June 01, 2014, 02:35 AM
  630.  
  631.  
  632. ==========
  633. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  634. - Highlight on Page 104 | Added on Sunday, June 01, 2014, 07:15 AM
  635.  
  636. • • Do you find getting more difficult than giving? Do you somehow seem to enjoy life more during interpersonal crises? Have you avoided choosing partners whose lives seem to go too smoothly because you become bored? Do people tell you that you are a saint for putting up with something or someone? Does part of you enjoy this? Is it more tempting to concentrate on the problems of others than to solve difficulties in your own life ?
  637. ==========
  638. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  639. - Highlight on Page 105 | Added on Sunday, June 01, 2014, 07:53 AM
  640.  
  641. I have been able to move from being a person who lived her life unconsciously to a person who lives a conscious life. Someone said that the unexamined life is not worth living. I am happy to say that my life is very much worth living!
  642. ==========
  643. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  644. - Highlight on Page 107 | Added on Sunday, June 01, 2014, 09:55 PM
  645.  
  646. When you or the BP have an intense reaction to something, chances are good that one of your triggers or “hot buttons” has been pushed. Hot buttons or triggers are stored-up resentments, regrets, insecurities, anger, and fears that hurt when touched and cause automatic emotional responses.
  647. ==========
  648. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  649. - Highlight on Page 108 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 03:08 AM
  650.  
  651. If it looks like an external factor triggers the behavior, try to determine what factors might be involved, such as: the person’s general mood • • • • • the person’s stress level and/or responsibilities the time of day the presence or absence of alcohol physical factors such as being hungry or tired the immediate environment
  652. ==========
  653. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  654. - Highlight on Page 109 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 06:11 PM
  655.  
  656. Look for splitting (black-and-white thinking), overgeneralizations (“you always” or “you never”), and illogical connections (“You didn’t take me to the party because you hate me”).
  657. ==========
  658. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  659. - Highlight on Page 109 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 06:12 PM
  660.  
  661. Hot buttons for non-BPs may include: being unfairly accused by the BP • having needs, feelings, and reactions discounted or denied by the BP 109Stop Walking on Eggshells • Rather than just reacting, observe and examine your own responses. • being overly admired or adored by the BP (because it may be a set-up for later devaluation and criticism) other situations and conditions that usually precede rages or acting-out behaviors (e.g., one woman started trembling whenever the phone rang because she was afraid it was her borderline mother)
  662. ==========
  663. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  664. - Highlight on Page 110 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 06:13 PM
  665.  
  666. traits that make people vulnerable to emotional blackmail include fear, obligation, and guilt—FOG for short. FOG obscures your choices and limits your options to those the blackmailer picks for you: • • • Fear: You may fear losing something: love, money, approval, access to your children, or the relationship itself. You may be afraid of your own anger or of losing control of your emotions. Obligation: Says Forward, “Memory, as employed by the blackmailer, becomes the Obligation Channel, with nonstop replays of the blackmailer’s generous behavior toward us. When our sense of obligation is stronger than our sense of self-respect and caring, people quickly learn how to take advantage.” Guilt: When your normal activities trigger the BP, the person plays the “Tag, You’re It” game discussed in chapter 3 and shifts responsibility for her upset feelings onto you. The BP may accuse you not only of devious behavior but of acting in this way to deliberately hurt her. Instead of questioning her assumptions, you may respond by feeling guilty.
  667. ==========
  668. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  669. - Highlight on Page 111 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 07:36 PM
  670.  
  671. • • • • Performing reality checks with others: If the BP in your life accuses you of being ungrateful or inept, or of having other negative qualities, ask friends if they believe there’s any truth to what the BP is saying.
  672. ==========
  673. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  674. - Highlight on Page 111 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 07:37 PM
  675.  
  676. • Performing reality checks with others: If the BP in your life accuses you of being ungrateful or inept, or of having other negative qualities, ask friends if they believe there’s any truth to what the BP is saying. Minimizing your exposure to situations that trigger you: You have the right to take care of yourself. Minimizing any visible reaction: If the BP knows the buttonpushing is having the desired effect—whether consciously or unconsciously—chances are that the behavior will be repeated. Realizing you can’t control what people choose to think: You can’t make everyone happy—least of all someone who is projecting their own unhappiness onto you. Stop taking responsibility for the BP’s inner world and start taking responsibility for your own
  677. ==========
  678. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  679. - Highlight on Page 111 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 07:37 PM
  680.  
  681. Minimizing any visible reaction: If the BP knows the buttonpushing is having the desired effect—whether consciously or unconsciously—chances are that the behavior will be repeated
  682. ==========
  683. Stop Walking on Eggshells
  684. - Highlight on Page 111 | Added on Monday, June 02, 2014, 07:37 PM
  685.  
  686. Minimizing any visible reaction: If the BP knows the buttonpushing is having the desired effect—whether consciously or unconsciously—chances are that the behavior will be repeated
  687. ==========
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