New Year New Stream

Yesterday's stream was pretty difficult to start.

Then again, all my streams have been difficult to start lately. But this one was a bit different. I'm not entirely sure why - I was excited to kick off the new year with a stream. I've been interested in playing more 102% as well (more on that later), and had everything set up and ready to go. But when the time came to actually head downstairs and click 'Start' - I was almost blocked.

I wanted to just go take a nap - or read a book - or play Smash or Spider-Man or anything other than a speedrun. And I felt... afraid. All the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness and comparison and negativity just were gripping hold of me. "It's too much work." "Nobody wants me around anyway - I burned all my bridges over a year ago." "Other streamers and runners are so much better than me." "No matter how much work I put into this, I'll just be disappointed again in the end."

So I prayed: "God - I don't know why I'm so hesitant to do this. I can't tell if I'm just passive and afraid, or if you're leading me to something different, or if I just need to have courage and go. So I'm going to do this right now - this stream is an offering to you. It may not be any good, but do with it what you will."

And it ended up being a really good stream. Within a couple minutes Zera showed up and dropped me 50 bits. Good ol' Zera - one of my earliest and greatest speedfriends. Shortly after that Pastor ChanceN8R showed up and I got to share a bit and receive some encouragement from him. Alec came by - and despite his distaste for the run I was doing, it was great to talk to him and have him there hanging out. Hosts from Gooby and Vaya. Coati and Kalarse and Justin and Arcadia and Glowstick and N0cturne and Namux and so many others who I wish I could list but can't (and I'm sorry!). By the end my boys were down watching and being really sily, and I was speed dad again - for a few hours.

And then the run... ended up being a 1:40:35. With the first try of Zip your Furnace being a failure. Tons of mental errors, several bad deaths that cost a bunch of time, and it was still almost sub-1:40. I could *easily* get a 1:35 with no further practice (but runs with shorter gaps in between). Be back at the level I was before with maybe a month of dedicated work. And a month more than that, possibly be reaching new highs (lows?).

And at the end, I leave to a chorus of "here's to more runs in 2019!"

(It's worth watching the first 30 minutes or so of the run - I end up talking a decent amount about where my head was at.)


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So anyway - I've made pastes like this before - claiming I'm going to pursue a goal and then bailing on it, so I'm not going to make any promises. But I am indeed interested in 102% again. I like the idea of going for sub-1:30 and possibly even cutting Akisu's time (and taking the American record in the process). And given how yesterday's run went with so little practice, I know I could do it.

But more than that... I thought my GDQ dream was dead. And it probably still is. But I see an opening here. DKC2 is not in AGDQ. And it's been a very long time since 102% was played. Which makes me feel like there could be a decent chance of it making it into SGDQ. With v0oid and Stew running in AGDQ, I'm not sure if they'll be going to SGDQ and offering that category. Which means there could be an opening for, well... me!

I like the idea of going for that. But I'm scared to let myself dream again. Especially when so much of it is outside my control, and especially when I doubt so much of my own commitment here. And I'm scared to be this open about my desire to do this. I mean, it was no secret that I wanted to do it before - but to be this explicit about my intentions is a bit discomforting. But GDQ is what got me into this, and to play that category of that game on that stage would be somewhat redemptive for me - somewhat coming full circle.

So, I guess.... "God, I don't know why I'm so hesitant to do this.... but take it as an offering. It may not be any good, but do with it what you will."