SUPERBOWL
Grant, I hope you experience ONE more Super Bowl Sunday in your life. Win or lose, as a true American sports fan, there is nothing quite like it. It's Christmas for adults. It beats even a game 7 in baseball. It's a real honor and joy to wake up this morning. No more blogs. No more social media. No more hot takes. No more debates. IT'S ON.
In New England, we know the end is near. There is no Spygate this year. No Deflategate. No perfect season. The legacy has long since been sealed. Locked up and deified. This one is for us.
New England becomes the first and only team to appear in the Super Bowl 10 times this evening. Wow.
I was 7 years old the first time, Grant. I remember that crushing defeat to the Chicago Bears.
If you had told me at the age of 7 that in my 20s and 30s -- the prime of my life -- i would get to experience this absurd, magical feat, I wouldn't have believed you. Who would?
America was born in Boston, Grant. Don't ever forget that. Do you think I don't know Crispus Attucks? We dumped the tea into the harbor. I was born within walking distance of Lexington and Concord. We didn't fight for pronouns and gender identity, Grant. We didn't fight for partisan politics. We didn't fight for the Holy Selfie. We fought for freedom. We didn't have a name so people simply called us...
PATRIOTS.
One If By Land, Two If By Sea. Do you know who Paul Revere is Grant? GRANT, I WAS BORN IN THE CITY THAT INVENTED "NO FUCKING AROUND."
Such a rich tapestry the sports teams of my city have woven. I find eternal comfort in its warmth. The Boston Celtics (count the banners). The Boston Bruins (count the cups). The New England Patriots (count the rings). THE BOSTON FUCKING RED SOX (count up to the number 2004 and take your fucking time).
We invented electricity, prostitution, and moshing. What did Chico invent? Overly hopped beer and Aaron Rodgers? What did SF invent? FACEBOOK? Actually, no, Boston invented that, too. Where the fuck is Marc Andreessen? Look up his middle name. It's the name of a fucking town in MASSACHUSETTS, you silly cunt.
The only good thing born in California is named Tom Brady and we took him. Deal with it.
I don't care if the Patriots lose 70-0 today because it doesn't matter. Sometimes we lose battles. WE NEVER LOSE WARS.
Mr. Robert Kraft was a season ticket holder who had had enough and he bought the team, and he won the war. What an incredible man. He is like a fucking KENNEDY out here.
Grant, there are elements in my life I can't control. What a crazy world we live in. The pain. THE FEELINGS. But thank God I can put my external energy into a force for the last 18 years known as the New England Patriots. They are the Led Zeppelin of football, the Black Flag of sports. They are like reading the poems of Robert Creeley the first time. The Godfather part I and II plus the Shawshank Redemption of all of this.
Danny "Playoff" Amendola is like watching the great film Sideways.
YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHO WES WELKER IS? He is the film oeuvre of Michael Haneke. Do you remember that feeling when you saw The Seventh Continent for the first time? Christ. I DO. Speaking of allegorical figures, I saw ANTICHRIST in the theater with my mother. She grasped my leg, looked at me, swore, and then asked something I will never ever forget:
WILL TOM BRADY BE SHOWING UP IN THE 4TH QUARTER OF THIS FILM TO SAVE IT, BECAUSE I DON'T SEE JOSH MCDANIELS ANYWHERE. I NEED SOME IRISHMEN.
What a graceful lady, my mum. A true figure of absolute awesomeness in a world that generally sucks so hard. THE TRUEST OF THE SAINTS.
This is it, Grant.
This is why the working man in the 21st century wakes up on the first Sunday in February with a single tear in his eye.
Dreams are built on hard work.
Ernie Adams knows that.
Steve Belichick knew that (RIP).
Retarded Philly faggot sports fans don't know that. They are going to riot and burn down their own homes tonight regardless of what happens. Because they are truly silly people, Grant.
They would poop on their own food and eat it and smile because they have decided it's so absurd that it has to be cool. Sweatpants capital of the world. Gawd.
Anyways, RANT DONE.
I hope you enjoy the Bud Knight commercial today and jerking off because Jimmy G was born of this absolutely awe-inspiring system. I hope he wins a couple. I only have love for him and the Niners. #GOPATS