[muffled Fenneko laughter]

[12:15 AM] Bel:[image of Kishibe Rohan telling Highway Star "I refuse."]

[12:15 AM] Bel: You know, I wish I didn't know what you want out of a response from me. You want me to become a student to you again, to trust your judgement more than my own. This ultimatum you've offered me is a false chance to redeem myself from the sin of disagreeing with you. That's not going to happen though. I don't care how good your intentions are, I'm not willing to surrender to your arbitration. I can see through your attempts to manipulate me. I refuse to be held to your moral standards, which by nature of being yours, will almost always place you above me. I refuse to adopt another person's morals just so they will think better of me. I'm no disciple.

You are now, as you were when you were younger, a moral zealot. You strive to be upstanding, and think anybody who doesn't, or anybody who holds themselves to standards besides your own is beneath you. I assume that your upset over my not being the person you thought I would be is because you believe that people are one way; that's how they stay. I can't imagine why else you'd continue to think that I appreciate your insistence on referring to me as a girl, or why you'd bring up something I did a decade ago to attack my "moral foundation."

Whatever. Soon all this will be in the past, and I won't have to waste my time thinking about it. Though I don't foresee it so long as your horse is so high, I hope you find peace. Until I'm out of here, I'd appreciate if you stop taking jabs at me. Excepting confrontations like this and last week's, I haven't taken jabs at you. Even if you don't like it, I expect you're capable of at least being reasonably polite.
[6:05 AM] Claire: It’s telling that you’ve chosen to post Rohan, while not bothering to find his character arc’s end and see how he changes so fundamentally, no longer being so pointlessly rebellious and immature.
It’s also telling that you’re phrasing this as a manipulation, telling me I’m giving you a false choice, phrasing it as a sin, and otherwise using the same quasi-religious imagery you use whenever you feel like rebelling against something you find too rigid, despite confiding in me and others that what you essentially need in your life is a parental figure who can hold you to task and be constantly aware of your work schedule, goals, actions, and excuses.
Like with the chosen picture, you see only a small portion of the story and don’t push further if it confirms your beliefs and fits your framework, leading to hypocrisies and irony being built into your very being.
Finally, it’s haunting that you have not actually directly told me that you’re not transgender, only complaining about things tangential to that such as my “insistence” (a habit which you have often criticized within context of embarassing you in public, but not much elsewhere, and have not actually really talked to me about) of calling you she.

But you probably don’t appreciate the meta analysis, so I’ll take everything here at both face value and your intended projected image instead of trying to continue to reach the person I fear is underneath it.
[6:07 AM] Claire: Want you to become a student? No. Bel, I loathe you. I’ve never had a consideravle period of time where I liked you. Sheep loved you, and loved Jubilee in a way I can’t even be sure the past tense is accurate for. Haligh loved Artemis, but has since before you moved hated you. You’re an irritant to Baird who’s at best a friend we put up with and you’re nothing to Jet. [Note from Bel: all these names are different "personalities."]
You deciding to move out makes my life so much easier in a variety of ways, does nothing but help me in the long term, and removes you from my life. Artemis stopped being a thing you upkept in a social position weeks after Haligh pushing herself to love him, which was heartbreaking, and Jubilee was practically a better version of you in every way who we hoped you’d grow into, but like everything else since your idiotic expenditure on mailed estrogen, financial incapability to continue, depression, and then de-transition (without the quotes this time! Baird and I both called you he multiple times yesterday and we’re no longer bothering to second-guess you), she’s grown incredibly downtrodden and angry and is nearly indistinguishable from you.
I can’t live with you. You’re messy, you’re angry, you’re difficult to trust the moment you think someone is out of your tribe, because your only moral trait is a childish style of loyalty.
I can’t help you, because whoever tries to help you in life is just the adult to rebel against. No matter who you see as better than, or older than, or teaching, or parenting, you will shift in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
I am not offering you an ultimatum for my own ego or sake, I’m offering it because despite all this, I need a hard Schelling Point or I am incapable of triaging you. You’re important to me, despite all your flaws, and the Bel and Jubilee I knew in 2012 seemed so bursting with beauty and potential that actually closing the book on that seems as wrong as killing a child.
[6:08 AM] Claire: But maybe everything I knew of you was a lie anyways. Maybe you’ve never really wanted to transition, never had tulpa, maybe you just act as a chameleon and say and maybe even believe on some level what you need to so long as you can hop boats to an easier ride. I don’t believe that, but there are people that do, and they are happy to tell me they see you as a complete snake in the grass by nature. I don’t know.
Maybe you’ve actually changed for the better. But if change for the better involves snuffing out the light in your eyes that was once so beautiful Sheep saved a picture of it than I don’t want any part of that better.

But because I’m a goddamn masochist of a person, I’m going to cease sobbing about this and keep responding to this garbage you have given me.

People don’t need to have the same moral standards as me to be on my playing field, but I’d prefer some sign of having moral standards they’ve introspected about or try to understand. The only thing ABOUT my moral standard that I hold in high regard is that I bother to strive to better it constantly and update it to superior moral standards I find. But there are many alternatives to my moral standard that are not beneath me that I respect and understand, and morals are always personal and shifting based on roles, resources, etc. It is HILARIOUS, actually, that you accuse me of looking down on others with different morality, given the next point shoved in that paragraph.
[6:08 AM] Claire: I didn’t bring up shit decades ago because I care that you [redacted again], but to point out its hypocritical to join a mob ruining people’s lives because they deviate from what you consider acceptable! You join kiwifarms and help harm people because they are morally different from you. And if you got anywhere in life, I could simply go on there and post “Yeah Bel is an active MRA spokesman, but did you know they [something Claire's current Aussie girlfriend has done]?” and you’d have to live with harassment too. Who you choose to be is hypocritical and you childishly wield a sword that would gladly drink your blood, have the gall to say I look down at people with different morals as you celebrate an author and fellow artist getting a divorce spurred by social pressure you’re a part of? Please.

And that comment about people not changing? People change. People can change. You’ve changed. I just don’t think you’ve changed positively, and in all the ways you’re infuriatingly childish, you have remained the exact same. You only lost the light in your eyes.

You want to talk about being civil? One further. I don’t need to talk to you. I have next to no need to look at you. You want my attention, hit me up on text, otherwise I doubt I’ll personally bother anymore except when absolutely relevant in getting you out of my life. You can treat anything between us as “in the past” and something you don’t have to “waste your time thinking about” it, because when has actually thinking about your actions and past been something you gave a shit about anyways, better to drop all that introspection down a drain and return to square one. At least now you won’t feel so much like “that faggot wearing short shorts on campus” as you once called it this time, you have solved the stated problem with your college life by building a convincing shell. Now all that’s needed is for no one to care to look under it and you can forget who you were and are.
[6:17 AM] Claire: And this is the core of it, really. You’re either someone who changed because of the traumatic experience of your botched transition, or you’re someone who never wanted to at all and was always a liar, or maybe something else.
But the core of it is that no matter how honest I take you and how much I trust you, how much Sheep used to treat Jubilee like she was perfect and take everything as truth, you can’t be trusted. I find your self-deception so willingly wrapped around yourself to be so evident regardless of if I believe you’re the broken, the liar, or the anything else, you have in all cases chosen to hide the emotional core of who you are on all these paths behind anger and rebellion and bullshit.
[6:19 AM] Claire: You’re so happy to work within self-deception that I can’t find common ground to predict and trust you, to make you happy, to feel safe around you. I can’t live with that. That’s why we’re here.
[6:21 AM] Claire: This may be the last time we really talk. And even now it’s really fucking hard to let go, even through bitterness and anger, because I don’t see you when I triage, I see who you could have been and you were.
[6:21 AM] Claire: And I hate this. Bye.