fates day zero plot summary

earth realm is under attack.
the defenders of earth must prevent holy priest and part-time worm wrangler abbe faria from winning his 10th consecutive holy grail war, thus subjugating all of earth realm under his rule.

jessie von eisenberg, abbe faria's arch-rival, is selected to defend earth realm. because he's a total scaredy cat, he has his wife channel his servant class for him while they both leave their daughter with Jack Nicholson in that mansion with blood in the elevators. He summons the Saber class in the form of Queen Elizabeth II

meanwhile, abbe faria throws a traitor into the worm pit. his hair goes white from stress. He summons the Berzerker Class in the form of a Black Knight Halberd.

child prodigy Wave Racer is mad at his school teacher for underestimating his abilities. Wave racer can mind control old people into giving him food and shelter. He almost fails 2nd grade, but steals a horcrux from his teacher, Professor Blondie. Professor blondie finds a different hocrux though. Waver Racer summons the Rider class in the form of a jet ski, and professor blondie summons the Lancer class in the form of every dead lancer from ffxiv.

the priest (or one of his friends) from earlier summons the archer class in the form of Q.
one of the fifty people whose name starts with K summons the assassin who isn't based on any one historical apparently.

cosmo wright, after finding the perfect nail polish shade of red in children's blood, summons caster in the form of joan of arc's ex boyfriend.

the assassin and archer people are in cahoots. also the tournament over-seer Dogy is extremely biased and won't admit it. he tricks everyone into targeting caster with the promise of more genie wishes.

saber's left wrist is cut. lancer has a crush on her. caster has a crush on her. rider has a crush on his reflection.
archer has a crush on all men whose name starts with K.


PREDICTIONS
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archer will be the first to die.
rider will defeat shang tsung but fail to test his might in the mirror match.
saber will get have the best KDA.
berserker or assassin will rebel against their master.
HOPEFUL: no more worms