Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected,
I’m so fricking angry,

I’m bread,
I’m on a roll,
I’m bread,

Tactics for getting your person out of bed,
1, look irresistibly cute,

Watson, sherlock, mycroft, moriarty,
Share a coke with sherlock,
Share a coke with sherlock is some pretty unfortunate phrasing given what we know about the guy’s drug habits,
I snorted,
So did he,
This has slain me with laughter, oh god, i can’t breathe,

I love how much attitude the red m&m has but i think i’d rather be the yellow m&m’s friend,
I got broken up with the moment i posted this by the way, no hard feelings at all but i think it makes it funnier,

A 54 million year old gecko encased in amber,
Is he alright,
Yes but he’s encased in amber,

Finally listened to all music, my favorite song was an untitled file called ssssddsrt66677888.ogg that i found on a flash drive that i found in a landfill in tunisia,

Bug voice watch this, stays in killer baby mode for 7 years and emerges as a helpless little winged guy to frick and then die,
Don’t vague post about antlions you beach,
Jokes on you i was thinking of dobsonflies when i made this,
Is this post in english,

Today i learned that vikings exchanged swords as part of their wedding vows and i for one think we should bring that back,
The bride and groom then exchanged rings to further consecrate the vows, offering rings to one another on the hilt of their new swords,
I mean, is that not the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard,

How did you make that guy,
I d k,

Airpods pro, $250,
10 bulbasaur plushies, $250,
Choose wisely,

Me, lying face down in mud in the middle of the scottish highlands,
Friend, what are you doing,
Me, muffled because of the dirt, i’m having me time,

A single block of water at the bottom of a ravine,
Minecraft players,

I look in the mirror, i lose my mind a little, i cry on public transport, i walk through a fluorescent supermarket, i have slow and confusing dreams at night, you know how it is,

In captain america civil war, tony stark eats a walnut-date loaf baked by aunt may, and politely pretends that it isn’t disgusting, so as to let may think she’s good at cooking,
However, in spiderman homecoming, she not only mentions a dislike of tony stark, but also acknowledges her lack of skill in cooking,
Therefore, it could be concluded that aunt may intentionally fed billionaire philanthropist tony stark subpar date-walnut loaf to frick with him, in this essay i will,

Tony stark in infinity war, let’s just throw this stone into the garbage disposal,
James rhode, in endgame, let’s just kill baby thanos,

Vibe check,

Honest question, why don’t you like hank green,
Refuses to kill his brother,
Okay, why don’t you like john green,
Refuses to die,

Welcome to my kitchen,
We have nothin, i’m hengry as heil,

Fox sleeping in a graveyard,
Makes me wonder about reincarnation,
Makes me wonder about soulmates,
Makes me think that dark stone probably soaks up sunlight and that’s the warmest place around for a fox nap,

Sailor moon wands,
I’m gonna tell him,
Don’t you dare,

Frozen 1 first teaser, hey guys, look at this cute snowman, oh no his nose fell off uwu,
Frozen 2 first teaser, elsa is going to physically fight the ocean and anna fricking decapitates a guy,

I don’t go here but watching diehard pokemon fans bite the head off anyone who even slightly criticises the new game for halfasing the content is just the unironic personification of this image,
Don’t ask questions just consume product and then get excited for next products,

Today i learned mcdonald’s almost got rid of its golden arches in the 1960’s, the arches were only kept because a psychologist they hired said they had great freudian importance in the subconscious mind of customers, they represented mother mcdonald’s breasts,
This is why we need to dig freud up and kill him again,

Uhh i can’t find this book at my public library, that’s because you’re not going to the secret public library, stealing from barnes and noble,

Me, wakes up in a cold sweat,
Wh-who am i, what am i, gets up and runs to the mirror,
We are gamers,
Me, of, of course,

From a principal’s publication 1815, students today depend on paper too much, they don’t know how to write on a slate without getting chalk dust all over themselves, they can’t clean a slate properly, what will they do when they run out of paper,
Proof that someone has beached and will beach about young people’s technology throughout all of time and space,

Psst,
Your as is grass and i’m gonna mow it,
Leave me alone,
If a girl were to say this to me i would laugh and fall in love,

Nobody hears a car alarm and thinks, oh that car is being stolen, it’s just an annoying sound that we want to stop,
We want the car to be stolen faster,
Yes,

Always keep your enemy on their toes,
Unless your enemy is a ballerina, that is where they are strongest,
Or natasha romanoff,
Don’t even make her your enemy, that is just a stupid as move,

What do yo do with all your art,
Stare at it until i hate it,
What it’s like to be an artist, writer, musician,

I was chatting with a donor before i drew his blood, and he was a dentist,
When i actually drew him, there was just a little squirt of blood and it surprised him,
I looked him in the eye and told him, you’re bleeding because you don’t floss,
And he went dead silent,

Full offense but if my college professor can look me in the eyes while i’m wearing a baby slut crop top and mini skirt and explain the homework, high school teachers should be able to fricking handle a literal child wearing shorts s m h,

Yeah of course i can paint your ceiling, michelangelo scoffed to himself, gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dong outs on it though,
I will never not laugh at this,

Look at his face, he’s so worried that he ruined it and messed up all their hard work and she’s just like, hm, i like it, and makes him smile because she loves him, i love this movie,
And then five mins later she dies and so do it,

La la land,
Tinky winky land,
Dipsy land,
Poland,
I don’t get the last one,

Dudes that are into cars are just the male version of horse girls,
This is easily one of the most accurate tweets ever,
Horse girls, horse power, car guys,

A leopard seal waking up from a nap with it’s own version of bed head, it’s warm body has melted the ice it was sleeping on, wetting down it’s fur on one side,

Cinematic parallels,

Something about ash’s mum forcing mister mime to sit on the floor and eat out of a dog bowl makes me uneasy,
Mewtwo was right,
Mister mime has a humiliation fetish and ash’s mom totally doms him,
Hey please don’t type these words ever again,

9 hours of studying and i can’t remember my own name but i can remember how to kill a man using a toothbrush so there’s that,
The heck kind of classes are you taking,
I’m a forensic criminologist our slogan is, can’t run fast enough to be a serial killer so i’ll just help the police catch them,

Jesus is always the answer god bless,
Aren’t you jewish,
I tried to invoke the powers of jesus on my history test but the lord has failed me,

Out of every universe there is i had to live in the one without magic and superpowers,
Yeah but this one has dippin dots,

The baby on the bus,
Me,

Paul hollywood is ice-type guy fieri,
Alola form,

Going to hooters with horse blinders on and ordering a small ceasar salad that i do not finish, i tip 200 dollars and kill myself in the parking lot with a katana,

God i wish i could go back in time and be the person who cut people’s heads off with an axe,
Why,
There’s something wrong with me,

Girls who steal,
Me in the self checkout,

Flies are like sir may i please drown in your doctor pepper,

Today i learned deaf people don’t make the achoo sound when they sneeze, meaning peer pressure influences what your sneeze sounds like,
Dads shut the frick up challenge,

Every single one of hillary’s deleted emails is me sending her a neopets referral,
I am so tired of this crap,
Well dang sis okay i’ll stop sending you the referrals but your gonna miss out on some fun games and neopoints,

No november, it just doesn’t happen,

What is this sculpture called,
Grampa takes a seat,
Man trying out chair,
Chillin’ bearded man,
The lincoln memorial,

Nintendo, we love all our mario princesses, peach, rosalina, and,
Donna,

Frick my life bro i just stuttered in front of a milf,

Me, looks away from my horse for one second,
My horse,

Why my parents so old and stupid frick off,
Honor your father and your mother,
Gargle my dong and balls,

When babies stare at you, they’re not just doing it because they’ve got nothing better to do, it turns out that they do it because you’ve caught their eye, according to a study via new scientist, babies stare at people who they consider to be beautiful, the baby gaze,
Don’t do that, don’t give me hope,

Remember in school when we had to put these orange covers over the keyboards when practicing our typing skills so we wouldn’t be able to peek at where the letters are,
No, what the heck kinda school did you go to, prison,

May be the most confusing picture i have ever seen,

Oh wow cinnamon coke is fricking awful whose idea was that,
We did this in rehab as a joke it was frickin painful,
Oh coke like coca cola,