Laurelia: Hey, look, I know this is out of no where, but hear me out, cause I've really been dying to know this for a while. Seriously did I do something to you? Or were/are you going through some serious shit? Or did you just kind of stop wanting to hang out with me for whatever reason? Or were we never really as close friends as I thought we were? Because I know I'm legitimately crazy, but in my mind, the last few times we interacted I felt like you sent some pretty clear messages that you didn't really want to hang out with me (as in, you explicitly told me that and said you didn't know when you would want to hang out next).

And then when you ghosted me and I reached out, and you messaged me back saying everything was fine and then you ghosted me AGAIN when I asked if you wanted to hang out I was just like ok whatever dude, live your life, fine. But it's like, sometimes I still wonder what happened. There's a good chance nothing actually happened. My brain is broken and I'm always paranoid and build up these delusional ideas of what people think about me, so for all I know, literally all of this could be entirely in my head.

I know you have a life and respect that you probably had a lot higher priorities than getting back to me at that time, but I dunno, it just seemed kind of intentional or at the very least a little thoughtless.
I mean, we've done a lot of shit together man. Some of the most amazing, intense, mind-blowing, completely unforgettable experiences of my life were with you and Cody. Going to Riot Fest and seeing my favorite band as the first live performance I had ever seen while on half a gram of ecstasy and hearing them open with Disorder which shocked me to the core is legitimately STILL objectively the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. And on some serious shit, if you even remember this there's a chance you might not, when you almost overdosed on benzos and alcohol that one time, I didn't judge you for a second for those messages you sent and then deleted. I don't care and I wouldn't have any room to talk if I did. All I cared about was whether or not you were alive.

So yeah, I've been going to therapy and shit (I've had a hell of a couple years lmao, got bipolar, dropped out of college, been in 3 different psychiatric hospitals over the period) and right now we're trying to resolve things in my past that I'm still holding on to and this is apparently one of them. I just want to let you know, it's seriously fine with me if you really did just want to stop being friends. I mean, I still do, obviously, which is why I'm sending this, but I get relationships come and go and I recognize that my personality probably seemed to radically change after I went to Ball State (in reality, I was finally in an environment where I could start actually figuring out who I really was), so if it's just like that it's like that, no hard feelings. People move on in life, I get that, but I'm trying to see if that's what really happened.
I'm saying this all because no matter what happened, it would really help me out to know what that was, so I can get a clearer picture of what reality actually is. I'm actually doing a lot better now than I have been these past couple years, like a LOT better, but it's been a HELL of a time, my handle kind of tells on me a little bit, but uh, yeah, little bit's happened since the last time we saw each other lol

By the way, I still talk to Cody all the time and he's pretty interested in knowing how you're doing these days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g12dtWVIP3w
YouTube
New Order - "Disorder" @ Riot Fest 2017 Chicago, Live HQ

[left me on read]

Laurelia: so uh, what was that message you sent and then deleted? cause i got a notification... i'm really not asking for that much here dude
i get you might need time to process all of this, but you know, if you can just completely ignore THIS, then I can finally get  the hint through my thick skull and leave you alone forever, that's fine, I don't understand but I don't have to. It honestly kind of hurts, but if we never talk again, I seriously wish you the best in life, and I'm sorry for bothering you so much.

[left me on read]