Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias: One Show Fits All (2019)

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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[Fluffy shouts] Houston!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[audience] Five, four, three, two, one!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[cheering]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ Macho, macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ Macho, macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ I've got to be a macho! ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ Macho, macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ Macho, macho man ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">♪ I've got to be a macho! ♪</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">How are you?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd roars]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[Fluffy] Whoo!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, man! That's a long walk.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Thank you so much, Houston.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">One year ago,
this city was flipped upside down</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">by a hurricane,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">un cabrón named Harvey.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And they said that this city
would never be the same.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I think it's beautiful that, a year later,
we're all here celebrating together</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">the fact that this city is resilient.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And you guys persevered.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Houston's strong, baby.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering, applauding]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's serious. In all sincerity, guys,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I'm not trying to kiss your ass.
I already got your money.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Freaking Houston. I love this town.
I've been coming here for 20 years.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Twenty years.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Started off performing at a comedy club
called The Last Stop.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[cheering]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And then, of course, we jumped over
to the Improv, and then--</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I performed everywhere.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I even did a one-nighter in Tomball.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's a long story
for the people at home.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I won't even get into that.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I want to give you guys a heads-up
and let you know now that tonight</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I feel extra comfortable.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You're going to notice that you might hear
a little bit more Spanish</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">than you normally would.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And you can't do that just anywhere,
but you can do that in Houston.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Now, to everyone watching at home
who is freaking out,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">like, "Oh, my God!
I didn't sign up for this."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">If I say something in Spanish,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">my promise is to translate immediately
so that everyone enjoys the show.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Okay?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">'Cause I know the second I said Spanish,
people are freaking out, you know.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">All the people that drove in
from the woodlands are like, "Hey!"</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And for everyone at home,
what does he mean by that,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">the people from the woodlands?
You know.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[South Texas accent]
"I know he is not referring to us."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"The nerve of him!"</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"He needs to go back where he came from,
over by Airline Road."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[cheering]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's right.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I know where you keep your brown people.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">This is awesome.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">This always pisses off Netflix.
They're like,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"Gabriel, we really wish
you would just do a show</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">that's general,
that everybody understands.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Why do you have to make your show
so personal?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Only people in that city
are going to get it."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Well, when you have an arena
full of people,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">you want them to get it.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You want that extra personal
special touch.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I don't care what they say.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I already got the check.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Ha! So let me give you a heads-up
as to what has happened</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">since the last time I did a special.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Um, my son, Frankie,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">is now 19 years old.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Nineteen years old,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">high school graduate,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">he has all his shots... Ladies?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">People tell me all the time.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"Why do you talk
about your son so much?"</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Because he won't leave.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

94
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<font color="#ffff00">"Does he like it when you talk about him?"</font>

95
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<font color="#ffff00">I said, "No, he hates it."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"Why do you do it?"
"'Cause he won't leave."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I'll tell you what he likes
to do right now.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">He likes to sit around the house
and watch videos</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">of other kids playing video games.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">See, some of you are clapping.</font>

102
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<font color="#ffff00">I didn't know that was an actual thing.</font>

103
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<font color="#ffff00">I asked him, "What are you doing?"</font>

104
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<font color="#ffff00">"I'm watching other kids
playing video games."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I said, "That's-- Really?</font>

106
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<font color="#ffff00">Why?"</font>

107
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<font color="#ffff00">"Well, they're professionals."</font>

108
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Why would you watch something
that you could be doing?"</font>

109
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<font color="#ffff00">"'Cause they're professionals."
"That's dumb."</font>

110
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<font color="#ffff00">"Really, Dad? Every Sunday
I see you watching football.</font>

111
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<font color="#ffff00">[crowd ooh's]</font>

112
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<font color="#ffff00">How come you don't play?"</font>

113
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<font color="#ffff00">I don't even argue.
I just cut off the Internet.</font>

114
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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

115
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<font color="#ffff00">My son's problem right now is that he has,
according to him,</font>

116
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<font color="#ffff00">too many options.</font>

117
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<font color="#ffff00">Okay? That's his problem.</font>

118
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Poor guy!"</font>

119
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<font color="#ffff00">"I have so many options, Dad.
I don't know what to do."</font>

120
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<font color="#ffff00">Write them down.
Put them on a wheel. Freaking--</font>

121
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<font color="#ffff00">[mimics spinning wheel]</font>

122
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<font color="#ffff00">Today: plumber.</font>

123
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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

124
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<font color="#ffff00">Something!</font>

125
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<font color="#ffff00">The problem is we go places,</font>

126
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<font color="#ffff00">people find out he is my son</font>

127
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<font color="#ffff00">and then they offer him opportunities.</font>

128
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<font color="#ffff00">He doesn't understand that
that's not how the real world works.</font>

129
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<font color="#ffff00">I know about struggling and clawing,
and fighting</font>

130
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<font color="#ffff00">for the opportunity to do something.</font>

131
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<font color="#ffff00">He doesn't get it yet.</font>

132
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<font color="#ffff00">And that's my fault.</font>

133
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<font color="#ffff00">For example, I take him and his mom
out to dinner, okay?</font>

134
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<font color="#ffff00">I took them both to Red Lobster.</font>

135
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<font color="#ffff00">Now, Houston. Me, personally,</font>

136
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<font color="#ffff00">I love Red Lobster, okay?</font>

137
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<font color="#ffff00">And not even for the seafood.</font>

138
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm talking about the biscuits.</font>

139
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<font color="#ffff00">[cheering]</font>

140
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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, yeah. [vocalizes] It's real good.</font>

141
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<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

142
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<font color="#ffff00">So we're sitting there,</font>

143
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<font color="#ffff00">and we're having a conversation
with our son about life, opportunity,</font>

144
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<font color="#ffff00">what does he want to do with himself...</font>

145
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<font color="#ffff00">And as we're talking to him,</font>

146
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<font color="#ffff00">the manager from Red Lobster
walks over to our table.</font>

147
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<font color="#ffff00">And he's being really cool, right?</font>

148
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<font color="#ffff00">He's like, "Hey!"</font>

149
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<font color="#ffff00">And I'm like, "Hey!"</font>

150
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<font color="#ffff00">He looks at my son,
"Is this the infamous Frankie?"</font>

151
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<font color="#ffff00">And I say, "Why, yes, it is!</font>

152
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<font color="#ffff00">He just graduated."</font>

153
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<font color="#ffff00">"Congratulations!"</font>

154
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<font color="#ffff00">"And he's looking for a job."</font>

155
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<font color="#ffff00">The manager goes, "Oh, say no more."</font>

156
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<font color="#ffff00">And he gives my son a business card</font>

157
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<font color="#ffff00">and then he starts to say,</font>

158
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<font color="#ffff00">"Listen, Frankie,
this is all you have to do.</font>

159
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<font color="#ffff00">Just go online
and fill out the application.</font>

160
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<font color="#ffff00">Once it's registered, call me personally</font>

161
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<font color="#ffff00">and I'll see to it
that you get an interview.</font>

162
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<font color="#ffff00">The only position we have available
right now is for a host,</font>

163
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<font color="#ffff00">but there's plenty of room
for opportunity here at Red Lobster.</font>

164
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<font color="#ffff00">Besides, you got one hell of a reference."</font>

165
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<font color="#ffff00">And then he walked away
and I was like,</font>

166
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<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, my God.</font>

167
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm going to get free biscuits!"</font>

168
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:23,586
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

169
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<font color="#ffff00">My son looks at me and says, "I don't want
to work at Red Lobster."</font>

170
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<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Frankie, no one is making
you work anywhere.</font>

171
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<font color="#ffff00">This is just another opportunity
that you're wasting.</font>

172
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<font color="#ffff00">Okay. No Red Lobster. What's your plan?"</font>

173
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<font color="#ffff00">"I don't know."</font>

174
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<font color="#ffff00">I got frustrated.</font>

175
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,235
<font color="#ffff00">So I raised my voice.</font>

176
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<font color="#ffff00">"Well, you better start thinking."</font>

177
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<font color="#ffff00">His mom didn't like that.</font>

178
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<font color="#ffff00">"Don't talk to him like that."</font>

179
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<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Look, biscuit blocker..."</font>

180
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,704
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

181
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<font color="#ffff00">See, up to this point we have agreed
on how we raise our son.</font>

182
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<font color="#ffff00">But in this situation, she's trying
to protect him from the world.</font>

183
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,596
<font color="#ffff00">I'm trying to prepare him for the world.</font>

184
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<font color="#ffff00">If he cannot handle me raising my voice</font>

185
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<font color="#ffff00">to get his attention
to see the bigger picture,</font>

186
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<font color="#ffff00">he's not ready for a world
that doesn't care about his feelings.</font>

187
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,859
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd whooping, applauding]</font>

188
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<font color="#ffff00">So I said, "You know what?
I got to have a one-on-one with him.</font>

189
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<font color="#ffff00">I got to have a one-on-one with, uh--"
[evil laugh]</font>

190
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<font color="#ffff00">So I take him out to the movies.</font>

191
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,621
<font color="#ffff00">I take him out to the movies,</font>

192
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<font color="#ffff00">we get in the car, we take off.</font>

193
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,292
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics car engine]</font>

194
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,876
<font color="#ffff00">A little 20-minute drive, okay?</font>

195
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,713
<font color="#ffff00">As we're driving I figure I'll have
a little one-on-one with him.</font>

196
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<font color="#ffff00">Maybe this way
it doesn't feel like a talk talk.</font>

197
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,259
<font color="#ffff00">I thought he understood
what I was trying to say.</font>

198
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,428
<font color="#ffff00">It's late. We're leaving the movies.</font>

199
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,221
<font color="#ffff00">We're pulling out
of the parking structure</font>

200
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,932
<font color="#ffff00">and out of the corner of my eye,
I see a cop car.</font>

201
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,643
<font color="#ffff00">And I made a sound, I was like, "Ugh!"</font>

202
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,687
<font color="#ffff00">And Frankie goes, "What is it, Dad?"</font>

203
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,564
<font color="#ffff00">I say, "There's a cop at the light."</font>

204
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,400
<font color="#ffff00">"What are you worried about?"
"He's going to stop us."</font>

205
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,610
<font color="#ffff00">"How do you know?"</font>

206
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:11,652
<font color="#ffff00">"Watch."</font>

207
00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:13,654
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

208
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,281
<font color="#ffff00">I made that left turn...</font>

209
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:17,658
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics engine and siren chirping]</font>

210
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,368
<font color="#ffff00">Frankie's losing it.</font>

211
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,369
<font color="#ffff00">"It's happening!"</font>

212
00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:23,372
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Relax."</font>

213
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
<font color="#ffff00">I pull over.</font>

214
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,250
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics tires screeching]</font>

215
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,668
<font color="#ffff00">Cop pulls up from behind.</font>

216
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,629
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics tires screeching]</font>

217
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:33,716
<font color="#ffff00">Immediately. [knock-knock]
"Driver, windows down."</font>

218
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,051
<font color="#ffff00">[groans]</font>

219
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,928
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics window whirring down]</font>

220
00:10:38,387 --> 00:10:40,348
<font color="#ffff00">"Driver, hands out the window."</font>

221
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:41,724
<font color="#ffff00">Serious?</font>

222
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,354
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

223
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:51,400
<font color="#ffff00">"Both of them."</font>

224
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,738
<font color="#ffff00">"I can't, I'm fat!"</font>

225
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,698
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

226
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,452
<font color="#ffff00">He gets to the window,</font>

227
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,079
<font color="#ffff00">and he's got the flashlight.</font>

228
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,164
<font color="#ffff00">And he shines the light
right in my face.</font>

229
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,207
<font color="#ffff00">He's like, "License."</font>

230
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,292
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here."</font>

231
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,128
<font color="#ffff00">He takes the license and then,
of course, you know,</font>

232
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,838
<font color="#ffff00">"Do you know why I stopped you?"</font>

233
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,217
<font color="#ffff00">"Officer, no, I don't, but I'm sure
you're about to tell me."</font>

234
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,720
<font color="#ffff00">"You don't have a front plate
on your car."</font>

235
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:23,891
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Officer, you're absolutely right.
I do not have a front plate on my car,</font>

236
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:28,312
<font color="#ffff00">but my name is actually
on the front of the car."</font>

237
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,271
<font color="#ffff00">"Excuse me?"</font>

238
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,774
<font color="#ffff00">"My name is on the front of the car."</font>

239
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,403
<font color="#ffff00">I own a 2012 Ford Flex</font>

240
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:40,074
<font color="#ffff00">and the Ford Flex has the actual word
"flex" written on the hood.</font>

241
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,619
<font color="#ffff00">I have a friend who does
custom automotive work</font>

242
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:47,415
<font color="#ffff00">and he took all the letters off the car
except for the letter F,</font>

243
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,918
<font color="#ffff00">and he made letters so that
it spells "Fluffy" on the hood.</font>

244
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,420
<font color="#ffff00">Okay? Yeah.</font>

245
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,005
<font color="#ffff00">-It sounds impressive.
-[crowd whooping]</font>

246
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,675
<font color="#ffff00">You can do it too for like $23.
It's not that bad.</font>

247
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,970
<font color="#ffff00">They're like refrigerator magnets.
You can even move them.</font>

248
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,807
<font color="#ffff00">Like, one day a letter flew off
and it said "Fuffy".</font>

249
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,350
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

250
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:09,270
<font color="#ffff00">Que pendejo. I know, stupid, right? So...</font>

251
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:14,066
<font color="#ffff00">The officer walks around to the front
of the car and he takes his flashlight</font>

252
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,318
<font color="#ffff00">and he shines the light right on the hood,</font>

253
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,820
<font color="#ffff00">and he does this, he goes,</font>

254
00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:19,530
<font color="#ffff00">"I knew it!"</font>

255
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,491
<font color="#ffff00">And my son goes,
"What does that mean?"</font>

256
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,410
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "That means we get to go."</font>

257
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,706
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, Houston, for the first time
in a long time,</font>

258
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:32,626
<font color="#ffff00">my son was actually impressed
by something that I did.</font>

259
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:33,794
<font color="#ffff00">You got to figure.</font>

260
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,881
<font color="#ffff00">This is not impressive to my son.</font>

261
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,884
<font color="#ffff00">Because he grew up in this environment.</font>

262
00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:41,427
<font color="#ffff00">Okay, this does--</font>

263
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:42,887
<font color="#ffff00">You saw that, right?</font>

264
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,680
<font color="#ffff00">I saw like a--</font>

265
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,390
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

266
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:51,562
<font color="#ffff00">That's like the third one I've seen!
This stuff keeps-- [chuckles]</font>

267
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,148
<font color="#ffff00">People upstairs from Tomball,
"Keep talking."</font>

268
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:55,566
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

269
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,249
<font color="#ffff00">Alright, I'll tell you guys what happened.</font>

270
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,878
<font color="#ffff00">Shakira performed here a few days ago.</font>

271
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,006
<font color="#ffff00">And Shakira has an amazing show, okay?</font>

272
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:23,969
<font color="#ffff00">She doesn't just come out and...
[ululates]</font>

273
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:27,598
<font color="#ffff00">[humming "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira]</font>

274
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,600
<font color="#ffff00">♪ Together, together ♪</font>

275
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,310
<font color="#ffff00">[indistinct]</font>

276
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,062
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

277
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,445
<font color="#ffff00">I think I just hurt myself.</font>

278
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,738
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

279
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,281
<font color="#ffff00">But there's a part of her show,</font>

280
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,866
<font color="#ffff00">where all of a sudden it was... [puffing]</font>

281
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,245
<font color="#ffff00">And there's cannons with confetti
that shoot everywhere, right?</font>

282
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,997
<font color="#ffff00">And I think that was left-over Shakira.</font>

283
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,415
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

284
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,629
<font color="#ffff00">Can we edit out the part
where I burned 800 calories?</font>

285
00:13:58,712 --> 00:13:59,588
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

286
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,423
<font color="#ffff00">[Fluffy laughs]</font>

287
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,008
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, my God!</font>

288
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,637
<font color="#ffff00">So, where was I? Oh! This.</font>

289
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,889
<font color="#ffff00">Does nothing for my son.</font>

290
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:13,435
<font color="#ffff00">and the reason why I say that is because
he grew up in this environment.</font>

291
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,354
<font color="#ffff00">He's been to a thousand shows.</font>

292
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,606
<font color="#ffff00">He's seen me on TV a million times.</font>

293
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,233
<font color="#ffff00">It's not a big deal,</font>

294
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,777
<font color="#ffff00">but the fact that I got stopped by a cop</font>

295
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,155
<font color="#ffff00">and the cop recognized me and geeked out
and let us go,</font>

296
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,575
<font color="#ffff00">I earned street cred with my kid!</font>

297
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,993
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

298
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,204
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, Frankie was like,
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!"</font>

299
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,331
<font color="#ffff00">And I'm like, "Hell, yeah, cos'.
That's right.</font>

300
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,792
<font color="#ffff00">You better recognize, player."</font>

301
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,085
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

302
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:40,129
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics engine turning over]</font>

303
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,964
<font color="#ffff00">We get home, he woke up his mom!</font>

304
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,592
<font color="#ffff00">"Mom, you should've seen it!
We got stopped by the cops!"</font>

305
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:45,759
<font color="#ffff00">"Are you okay?"</font>

306
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,470
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah! They recognized Dad
and they let us go."</font>

307
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,558
<font color="#ffff00">She stayed quiet and I told her,
"Huh? I got recognized!"</font>

308
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,352
<font color="#ffff00">And she said, "Ah!"</font>

309
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,646
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

310
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:02,318
<font color="#ffff00">So my son,</font>

311
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,445
<font color="#ffff00">what he likes to do now, like I said,</font>

312
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:08,032
<font color="#ffff00">Frankie likes to stay home
and watch videos.</font>

313
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,825
<font color="#ffff00">I come downstairs one morning</font>

314
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,535
<font color="#ffff00">and he's on his phone,</font>

315
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,289
<font color="#ffff00">but the chair that he's sitting in
is turned, facing the window,</font>

316
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,540
<font color="#ffff00">which I thought was weird.</font>

317
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,666
<font color="#ffff00">So I called to him,</font>

318
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,543
<font color="#ffff00">"Frankie, what are you doing?"</font>

319
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,378
<font color="#ffff00">Nothing. So he can't hear--</font>

320
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:22,713
<font color="#ffff00">"Frankie!"</font>

321
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,299
<font color="#ffff00">He can't hear. So I walked up from behind,</font>

322
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:28,969
<font color="#ffff00">and I realized that my son
has little headphones.</font>

323
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:32,306
<font color="#ffff00">That's-- Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, he's not ignoring me.</font>

324
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:33,891
<font color="#ffff00">So I look over his shoulder,</font>

325
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,853
<font color="#ffff00">and I realize that my son is watching</font>

326
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,396
<font color="#ffff00">a film.</font>

327
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,941
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd ooh's]</font>

328
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,776
<font color="#ffff00">And I don't mean Frozen.</font>

329
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,194
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

330
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,237
<font color="#ffff00">But those people look cold.</font>

331
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:48,530
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

332
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,699
<font color="#ffff00">So now I'm standing there</font>

333
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,284
<font color="#ffff00">watching it with him.</font>

334
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,704
<font color="#ffff00">I'm not trying to bond or anything.</font>

335
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,415
<font color="#ffff00">I'm just trying to figure out
the conversation I need to have</font>

336
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,751
<font color="#ffff00">and now we're both
watching professionals.</font>

337
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,586
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

338
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,297
<font color="#ffff00">So I grabbed his headphone and I went...</font>

339
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,424
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey, is that a good movie?"
And he freaked out!</font>

340
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,593
<font color="#ffff00">[screams] And he threw the phone.</font>

341
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:14,098
<font color="#ffff00">The phone came partially undone
and you could hear it.</font>

342
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:17,309
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, it was bad.</font>

343
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,562
<font color="#ffff00">"Not my face, not my face, not my face."</font>

344
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,821
<font color="#ffff00">He turned bright red
and he starts walking back over.</font>

345
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,614
<font color="#ffff00">"How embarrassing.</font>

346
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,993
<font color="#ffff00">How long have you been standing there?"</font>

347
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,745
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Long enough to know
'not my face.'"</font>

348
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:37,997
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

349
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,667
<font color="#ffff00">"Are you going to tell my mom?"</font>

350
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,337
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Frankie, I love you way too much
to do that to you.</font>

351
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,089
<font color="#ffff00">I would never tell your mom.</font>

352
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,717
<font color="#ffff00">I'mma tell everybody else."</font>

353
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,093
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

354
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,970
<font color="#ffff00">[laughs]</font>

355
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,055
<font color="#ffff00">Hey, don't tell his mom.</font>

356
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,390
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

357
00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:01,145
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Look, I know you're not going
to stop watching stuff like this.</font>

358
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:02,771
<font color="#ffff00">So just do me a favor.</font>

359
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,148
<font color="#ffff00">Don't do this here.</font>

360
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,859
<font color="#ffff00">You're old enough now to watch
whatever you want to watch.</font>

361
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,694
<font color="#ffff00">But as long as you live in this house,</font>

362
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:12,156
<font color="#ffff00">you cannot be watching stuff like that
where your mom can catch you.</font>

363
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,159
<font color="#ffff00">You're not going to stop,
so just don't do it here."</font>

364
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,411
<font color="#ffff00">"How do you know I'm not gonna stop?"</font>

365
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,414
<font color="#ffff00">"'Cause I haven't stopped.</font>

366
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:21,874
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

367
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,585
<font color="#ffff00">Matter of fact, there's a sequel to that.</font>

368
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,836
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

369
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,921
<font color="#ffff00">It's called Not my hair."</font>

370
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,134
<font color="#ffff00">He said to me, "Que cochino!"
I know right?</font>

371
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:34,887
<font color="#ffff00">[panting]</font>

372
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,138
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Frankie,</font>

373
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,932
<font color="#ffff00">you're going to watch stuff like that,
just go in your room.</font>

374
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,310
<font color="#ffff00">Lock your door.
I don't want to catch you.</font>

375
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,519
<font color="#ffff00">Okay, so let me know."</font>

376
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,313
<font color="#ffff00">"Want me to text you?"
Never mind.</font>

377
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,856
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

378
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,861
<font color="#ffff00">I'm in the middle of trying to deal
with this whole situation</font>

379
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:53,864
<font color="#ffff00">with my son watching these videos
and not going to work,</font>

380
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:55,282
<font color="#ffff00">and while I'm doing this,</font>

381
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:58,869
<font color="#ffff00">I get the most random phone call
I've ever gotten.</font>

382
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,830
<font color="#ffff00">My publicist calls me up and she's like,</font>

383
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,082
<font color="#ffff00">"Gabe!</font>

384
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,418
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop Dogg is looking for you."</font>

385
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,881
<font color="#ffff00">-"Excuse me?"
-"Snoop Dogg, you know--"</font>

386
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,341
<font color="#ffff00">"I know who Snoop Dogg is!</font>

387
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,093
<font color="#ffff00">What do you mean,
he's looking for me?"</font>

388
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,135
<font color="#ffff00">"Well, he's looking--"</font>

389
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,097
<font color="#ffff00">"Is he looking for me
or is he looking for me?"</font>

390
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,434
<font color="#ffff00">"He's a fan and he wants
to interview you."</font>

391
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,812
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, cool! Sounds good. What is it?"</font>

392
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,814
<font color="#ffff00">"I think it's some type of podcast."</font>

393
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,774
<font color="#ffff00">"I'm in. Can I bring Frankie?"</font>

394
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:29,858
<font color="#ffff00">"Absolutely."</font>

395
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,860
<font color="#ffff00">"Cool." So I hang up the phone.</font>

396
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,863
<font color="#ffff00">I'm excited. I want to tell my son.
I'm like, "Frankie!</font>

397
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,241
<font color="#ffff00">I'm walking towards your room."</font>

398
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:38,242
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

399
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,703
<font color="#ffff00">I'll be at your door in three, two,</font>

400
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:42,788
<font color="#ffff00">one.</font>

401
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,707
<font color="#ffff00">Hey! Alright, you're dressed.
Good. Come on, let's go.</font>

402
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,918
<font color="#ffff00">"Where are we going?" "Watch."</font>

403
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:50,838
<font color="#ffff00">We get in the car. [mimics engine]</font>

404
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:55,467
<font color="#ffff00">And now we're off on this adventure
to go do an interview with Snoop Dogg.</font>

405
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,679
<font color="#ffff00">You guys, let me tell you something.
We get to the neighborhood</font>

406
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,180
<font color="#ffff00">and we're lost.</font>

407
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:04,059
<font color="#ffff00">The GPS says we're there, but we're lost.
We're looking for a house,</font>

408
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,354
<font color="#ffff00">and there's no house, just a big building.</font>

409
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:10,774
<font color="#ffff00">And so I'm like, "This doesn't look--
A podcast? Really?"</font>

410
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,609
<font color="#ffff00">So I pull up to the security gate.</font>

411
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,695
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics engine, tires screeching]</font>

412
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,073
<font color="#ffff00">Tap the button on the wall.
[beep, line trilling]</font>

413
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,783
<font color="#ffff00">"Security desk. Can I help you?"</font>

414
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,536
<font color="#ffff00">Hey, Security Desk.
My name is Gabriel Iglesias.</font>

415
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,414
<font color="#ffff00">I think I'm here to do an interview
with Snoop Dogg.</font>

416
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:26,915
<font color="#ffff00">"Okay, one moment."</font>

417
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,709
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, okay, this is it. Good, good.</font>

418
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,461
<font color="#ffff00">I'm so excited. Snoop Dogg!
It's gonna be cool, right?</font>

419
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:32,796
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

420
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,214
<font color="#ffff00">"Sir?" "Yes?"</font>

421
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:38,260
<font color="#ffff00">"Yes, hi, there's no
Gilbert Ignazios on file."</font>

422
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:39,970
<font color="#ffff00">What?</font>

423
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,513
<font color="#ffff00">"Could it be another name?"</font>

424
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,933
<font color="#ffff00">"Another name? I don't know.
Fluffy, maybe?" [beep]</font>

425
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,144
<font color="#ffff00">And the gate starts to open.</font>

426
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,437
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

427
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,481
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm officially
in the rappers' world</font>

428
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,942
<font color="#ffff00">because my real name doesn't mean shit!"</font>

429
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,986
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

430
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,034
<font color="#ffff00">So we drive in. [mimics engine]</font>

431
00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:04,953
<font color="#ffff00">And we're passing all of these
reserved parking spaces.</font>

432
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,538
<font color="#ffff00">Reserved, reserved, reserved, reserved.</font>

433
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:09,958
<font color="#ffff00">And we get to my space,
which is basically an orange cone</font>

434
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,085
<font color="#ffff00">that has "Fluffy" handwritten on it.</font>

435
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:15,547
<font color="#ffff00">And a bunch of other names crossed off.
[laughs]</font>

436
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,050
<font color="#ffff00">So Frankie moves the cone. I park the car.</font>

437
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,677
<font color="#ffff00">[vocalizes] We walk into the building.</font>

438
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,972
<font color="#ffff00">My publicist is waiting for me, right?
She's like, "Gabe!</font>

439
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,016
<font color="#ffff00">You made it. Frankie, how are you?</font>

440
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:27,059
<font color="#ffff00">Listen.</font>

441
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,978
<font color="#ffff00">I just finished talking to Snoop.</font>

442
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,688
<font color="#ffff00">[sighs] Wow.</font>

443
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,651
<font color="#ffff00">He is everything you think he is
and just a little bit more.</font>

444
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:37,736
<font color="#ffff00">He is so sweet.</font>

445
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:40,906
<font color="#ffff00">I cannot believe he was charged
with double murder."</font>

446
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,699
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

447
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:47,537
<font color="#ffff00">"He told me to just walk you guys
into the studio and he'll be right back.</font>

448
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:51,875
<font color="#ffff00">He said he had to go outside and get in
the right headspace or something..."</font>

449
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,377
<font color="#ffff00">"Okay, cool."</font>

450
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:56,380
<font color="#ffff00">So she walks us into Snoop's studio.</font>

451
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,258
<font color="#ffff00">I'm thinking I'm there for a podcast,</font>

452
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,635
<font color="#ffff00">come to find out it's for a TV show.</font>

453
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:05,055
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop has a TV show
where he interviews celebrities.</font>

454
00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,892
<font color="#ffff00">Everyone in the room is waiting
for Snoop to return.</font>

455
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,852
<font color="#ffff00">You can hear the small talk.</font>

456
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:14,731
<font color="#ffff00">[indistinct babbling, giggling]</font>

457
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,525
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd laughs]</font>

458
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,569
<font color="#ffff00">All of a sudden, everyone stands up</font>

459
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,530
<font color="#ffff00">and I'm looking around like,
"What's going on?"</font>

460
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:24,950
<font color="#ffff00">And I look at the door to see
if Snoop's walking in and I don't see him</font>

461
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:28,120
<font color="#ffff00">and I could see my son. "Dad!"
[muffled screaming]</font>

462
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:33,250
<font color="#ffff00">I don't realize it, but Snoop is entering
the room through a different door.</font>

463
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,794
<font color="#ffff00">I don't realize it till, like,
the last second.</font>

464
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:39,965
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "What do you--"
So I jump up, I push in my chair.</font>

465
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:43,135
<font color="#ffff00">I'm so nervous,
I don't know how to address him.</font>

466
00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:44,303
<font color="#ffff00">So I'm like...</font>

467
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:47,723
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

468
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,727
<font color="#ffff00">I felt stupid. "Hi."</font>

469
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,603
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

470
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:57,024
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop walks over to me and he's so cool,
you guys.</font>

471
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:57,983
<font color="#ffff00">He's so cool.</font>

472
00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:00,444
<font color="#ffff00">He walks over to me and he grabs my hand.</font>

473
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:01,695
<font color="#ffff00">He's really strong.</font>

474
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,530
<font color="#ffff00">He pulls me in and he says,</font>

475
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,199
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, what it do, baby boo, how you feel?"</font>

476
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:09,286
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter, applause]</font>

477
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:17,002
<font color="#ffff00">"Thank you for having me."</font>

478
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:18,253
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah."</font>

479
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,214
<font color="#ffff00">-"Can I sit down?"
-"For sure."</font>

480
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:22,591
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics chair]</font>

481
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:25,302
<font color="#ffff00">I sit down, I look over, I see my son.
My son's like...</font>

482
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:27,971
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

483
00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:31,558
<font color="#ffff00">The difference between Snoop's show</font>

484
00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:35,062
<font color="#ffff00">versus any other talk show
I've ever done is that</font>

485
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:36,980
<font color="#ffff00">usually there's a person,</font>

486
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:40,650
<font color="#ffff00">like a producer or a director
who comes to you</font>

487
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:42,402
<font color="#ffff00">and gives you information,</font>

488
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:44,154
<font color="#ffff00">like how the show begins,</font>

489
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,114
<font color="#ffff00">topics you're going to cover,</font>

490
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:49,284
<font color="#ffff00">how you go to commercial,
how you come back from commercial...</font>

491
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:51,078
<font color="#ffff00">I've spoken to no one.</font>

492
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:54,581
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop just starts talking</font>

493
00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,292
<font color="#ffff00">and at some point, they hit "Record."</font>

494
00:22:58,251 --> 00:23:01,505
<font color="#ffff00">I'm waiting for "Action!" or a buzzer.
[mimics buzzer]</font>

495
00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:02,464
<font color="#ffff00">Something!</font>

496
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,424
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop just starts talking to me.</font>

497
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,551
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, what up, big Fluff?"</font>

498
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:10,430
<font color="#ffff00">"Big Fluff? Oh, that's-- Hey!"</font>

499
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,723
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

500
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,475
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, you like music?"</font>

501
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:15,060
<font color="#ffff00">"Snoop, I love music.</font>

502
00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:16,269
<font color="#ffff00">I love your music."</font>

503
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:17,771
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, that's what's up."</font>

504
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,565
<font color="#ffff00">He opens up a laptop computer</font>

505
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,275
<font color="#ffff00">and then he hits "play."</font>

506
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:25,362
<font color="#ffff00">And the next thing I know,
we are listening</font>

507
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:29,074
<font color="#ffff00">to hardcore Mexican banda music.</font>

508
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:31,993
<font color="#ffff00">I mean hardcore.</font>

509
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:36,915
<font color="#ffff00">[vocalizing]</font>

510
00:23:36,998 --> 00:23:39,292
<font color="#ffff00">And you can hear gunshots in the song.</font>

511
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,210
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

512
00:23:40,293 --> 00:23:41,753
<font color="#ffff00">[humming, mimics gunshots]</font>

513
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:43,255
<font color="#ffff00">[humming, mimics gunshots]</font>

514
00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:45,757
<font color="#ffff00">[humming]</font>

515
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:46,800
<font color="#ffff00">And then a cow.</font>

516
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:48,009
<font color="#ffff00">[moos]</font>

517
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:49,344
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

518
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:53,515
<font color="#ffff00">And the whole time Snoop is like,
"I love it when he go moo."</font>

519
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,599
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

520
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:55,559
<font color="#ffff00">What?</font>

521
00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:01,565
<font color="#ffff00">I feel like he's messing with me
because I'm Mexican, right?</font>

522
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,401
<font color="#ffff00">So I called him out.</font>

523
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:05,485
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Snoop.</font>

524
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:08,155
<font color="#ffff00">Do you understand
what you're listening to?"</font>

525
00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:10,323
<font color="#ffff00">And he said this,</font>

526
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,825
<font color="#ffff00">and it's scared me.</font>

527
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,287
<font color="#ffff00">He said, "Gangster recognize gangster."</font>

528
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,705
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd ooh's]</font>

529
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:21,918
<font color="#ffff00">The reason why it scared me was
because he was telling the truth.</font>

530
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:23,920
<font color="#ffff00">We were listening</font>

531
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:29,509
<font color="#ffff00">to actual Mexican cartel songs
that don't play on the radio.</font>

532
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,638
<font color="#ffff00">And the fact that he knew that, the fact
that his level of street knowledge</font>

533
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:35,807
<font color="#ffff00">in another language was that on point,</font>

534
00:24:35,932 --> 00:24:37,684
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "I gotta shut the hell up."</font>

535
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,977
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

536
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,189
<font color="#ffff00">Don't speak unless spoken to.
That's the code.</font>

537
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:46,610
<font color="#ffff00">Next thing I know,</font>

538
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:48,612
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop reaches under the desk</font>

539
00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:53,867
<font color="#ffff00">and he pulls out the biggest blunt
I have ever seen.</font>

540
00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:55,160
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd gasps]</font>

541
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,912
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, this sucker was huge.</font>

542
00:24:57,954 --> 00:25:00,457
<font color="#ffff00">As soon as he pulled out
that freaking blunt,</font>

543
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,793
<font color="#ffff00">got excited because I wanted to grab
my cell phone.</font>

544
00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:07,714
<font color="#ffff00">Okay, I wanted to grab my cell phone
so that I could take a selfie</font>

545
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,884
<font color="#ffff00">of Snoop in the background being Snoop.</font>

546
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:13,386
<font color="#ffff00">So while I'm fumbling
trying to get my phone,</font>

547
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,347
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop starts talking to me again.</font>

548
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:16,473
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, Big Fluff?"</font>

549
00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:17,599
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, what?</font>

550
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:20,602
<font color="#ffff00">"Hit that while I hit this."</font>

551
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,398
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

552
00:25:32,739 --> 00:25:34,991
<font color="#ffff00">The second I went like that,</font>

553
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,702
<font color="#ffff00">all of the cameras in the room: red light.</font>

554
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:38,954
<font color="#ffff00">Red light. Red light.</font>

555
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:40,330
<font color="#ffff00">Red light. Red light.</font>

556
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:42,165
<font color="#ffff00">My publicist is like,</font>

557
00:25:42,457 --> 00:25:44,626
<font color="#ffff00">"No!"</font>

558
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,628
<font color="#ffff00">My son is like,</font>

559
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:48,838
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah!"</font>

560
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,133
<font color="#ffff00">And now I'm being faced, bro.</font>

561
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:55,262
<font color="#ffff00">I'm being faced with a serious situation,
because, you know,</font>

562
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:59,641
<font color="#ffff00">I've talked about friends participating
and doing stuff like this,</font>

563
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:02,769
<font color="#ffff00">but I've never openly talked
about myself...</font>

564
00:26:03,311 --> 00:26:04,271
<font color="#ffff00">You know...</font>

565
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,358
<font color="#ffff00">And now I realized
that from this moment forward,</font>

566
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:11,027
<font color="#ffff00">people are going to know
what happened here with Snoop.</font>

567
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:15,031
<font color="#ffff00">So I started trying to find ways
to justify it to myself.</font>

568
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,117
<font color="#ffff00">You know...</font>

569
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:21,997
<font color="#ffff00">If you're going to do something like this
on camera,</font>

570
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,709
<font color="#ffff00">you want it to be with Snoop.</font>

571
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:27,335
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

572
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:28,878
<font color="#ffff00">You want it to be with Snoop,</font>

573
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,756
<font color="#ffff00">Cheech and Chong...</font>

574
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,843
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

575
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,096
<font color="#ffff00">...or Willie Nelson.</font>

576
00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:40,307
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

577
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,480
<font color="#ffff00">Next thing I know,
the manager hands me a lighter.</font>

578
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,357
<font color="#ffff00">I light it and I take a big hit.</font>

579
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:51,568
<font color="#ffff00">[sucking]</font>

580
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:58,241
<font color="#ffff00">So listen, I'm doing my best
to hold in all this smoke,</font>

581
00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:02,329
<font color="#ffff00">because I don't want to look like a punk
in front of Snoop Dogg.</font>

582
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:05,248
<font color="#ffff00">I'm trying, I'm fighting, bro.
It's hard, you know.</font>

583
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:07,000
<font color="#ffff00">[holding cough in]</font>

584
00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:08,460
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

585
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:23,266
<font color="#ffff00">The whole time Snoop is like,
"Hell, yeah.</font>

586
00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:25,894
<font color="#ffff00">That's what I'm saying.</font>

587
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,647
<font color="#ffff00">Fluffy going puffy today."</font>

588
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,273
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

589
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:40,325
<font color="#ffff00">I do not remember
the rest of the interview.</font>

590
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:44,829
<font color="#ffff00">What I remember is my buddy Anthony</font>

591
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,791
<font color="#ffff00">telling Snoop Dogg and I
to stand up for a picture.</font>

592
00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:49,417
<font color="#ffff00">"Stand up, get up for a picture."</font>

593
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:52,212
<font color="#ffff00">And so Snoop and I both stand up
to take this picture.</font>

594
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:54,589
<font color="#ffff00">I put my arm around him.</font>

595
00:27:55,382 --> 00:28:00,011
<font color="#ffff00">I have to put my arm around him
because he's much taller than me, okay?</font>

596
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,305
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop has me by at least</font>

597
00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:03,473
<font color="#ffff00">five inches.</font>

598
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,851
<font color="#ffff00">Shut up, alright? [laughs]</font>

599
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:15,110
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

600
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:23,993
<font color="#ffff00">You guys are laughing at the wrong jokes!</font>

601
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:25,704
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

602
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:29,833
<font color="#ffff00">[Fluffy laughs]</font>

603
00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:31,126
<font color="#ffff00">Bow-wow!</font>

604
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:32,460
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

605
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,754
<font color="#ffff00">[low-pitched] Bow-wow.</font>

606
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,174
<font color="#ffff00">Everybody's like, "This is a family show!"</font>

607
00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:41,177
<font color="#ffff00">Well, apparently,
that's how families are made.</font>

608
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:45,306
<font color="#ffff00">That was too funny, sir.
That was too funny.</font>

609
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:49,060
<font color="#ffff00">It's sad how hard she laughed at that
as she looked right at you.</font>

610
00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:50,270
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

611
00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:52,856
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Snoop has me by at least
five inches," and she's like...</font>

612
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,315
<font color="#ffff00">[shrieks]</font>

613
00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:56,693
<font color="#ffff00">Almost like she wasn't even laughing
at me.</font>

614
00:28:56,776 --> 00:28:58,278
<font color="#ffff00">She was like laughing at you.</font>

615
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:03,074
<font color="#ffff00">So apparently you guys have
some story that I just reignited.</font>

616
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,702
<font color="#ffff00">And now it's awkward
for all the kids.</font>

617
00:29:05,785 --> 00:29:06,995
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

618
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:08,538
<font color="#ffff00">So anyway...</font>

619
00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:13,001
<font color="#ffff00">Snoop and I are taking photos,</font>

620
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,836
<font color="#ffff00">and then I can hear my son.</font>

621
00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,588
<font color="#ffff00">"Dad! Dad!" [gasps]</font>

622
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:19,883
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh! Um, Snoop,
can my son take a photo with you?"</font>

623
00:29:19,966 --> 00:29:20,884
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah."</font>

624
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,427
<font color="#ffff00">"Get over here!"</font>

625
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,346
<font color="#ffff00">And so Frankie runs up, you guys,
and he's so cute,</font>

626
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,599
<font color="#ffff00">because he's geeking out really hard.
He's like...</font>

627
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:30,643
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

628
00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:39,402
<font color="#ffff00">"Snoop, this is my son, Frankie.</font>

629
00:29:39,652 --> 00:29:42,113
<font color="#ffff00">Frankie, say hello to Snoop."</font>

630
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:45,366
<font color="#ffff00">And Snoop looks at me, and he's so cool,
Snoop is like...</font>

631
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:46,910
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, this your kid?</font>

632
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,079
<font color="#ffff00">What up, Baby Fluff?"</font>

633
00:29:50,705 --> 00:29:52,332
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

634
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,292
<font color="#ffff00">And Frankie's like...</font>

635
00:29:55,668 --> 00:29:57,295
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

636
00:29:58,004 --> 00:30:00,256
<font color="#ffff00">"I don't like that name."</font>

637
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:02,675
<font color="#ffff00">"That's too bad. Get a job, go. Go."</font>

638
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:07,847
<font color="#ffff00">So Snoop and Frankie go into the corner
to take pictures.</font>

639
00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:11,100
<font color="#ffff00">Meanwhile, I walk back over to the desk,</font>

640
00:30:11,184 --> 00:30:15,897
<font color="#ffff00">because I want to grab the sheet
that has Snoop's name and my name on it.</font>

641
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,776
<font color="#ffff00">I want to have Snoop autograph it so that
I can frame it and put it on my wall.</font>

642
00:30:20,318 --> 00:30:21,528
<font color="#ffff00">While I'm doing that,</font>

643
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:26,407
<font color="#ffff00">Frankie walks up from behind me and he
whispers in my ear, trying to be all cool.</font>

644
00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:28,326
<font color="#ffff00">"Dad! Dad!"</font>

645
00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:29,786
<font color="#ffff00">"Huh? What? What?"</font>

646
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:34,290
<font color="#ffff00">"Dad, would it be okay
if I finish smoking that with Snoop?"</font>

647
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:36,042
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

648
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:47,220
<font color="#ffff00">Now I am being faced with the biggest</font>

649
00:30:47,637 --> 00:30:51,182
<font color="#ffff00">moral decision of my life.</font>

650
00:30:52,767 --> 00:30:53,935
<font color="#ffff00">And I'm high.</font>

651
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,981
<font color="#ffff00">And my mind is racing
a thousand miles an hour.</font>

652
00:30:58,064 --> 00:31:01,109
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Should I let him, should I not?
Am I a good dad, am I a bad dad?</font>

653
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:03,069
<font color="#ffff00">What's his mom gonna think?
I need a Snickers."</font>

654
00:31:03,152 --> 00:31:04,070
<font color="#ffff00">I'm just--</font>

655
00:31:06,155 --> 00:31:07,574
<font color="#ffff00">And then I thought about it.</font>

656
00:31:08,074 --> 00:31:09,200
<font color="#ffff00">"You know...</font>

657
00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:12,704
<font color="#ffff00">Frankie, you're over 18.</font>

658
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:17,041
<font color="#ffff00">Technically, you don't have to ask me
if you don't want to, so as far as I'm--"</font>

659
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:19,627
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

660
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:24,382
<font color="#ffff00">"Where'd you go?"</font>

661
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,051
<font color="#ffff00">A minute later,</font>

662
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:31,598
<font color="#ffff00">I am recording my son in a cloud
with Snoop Dogg.</font>

663
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,267
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

664
00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:36,644
<font color="#ffff00">And then I sent the video to his mom.</font>

665
00:31:36,936 --> 00:31:38,438
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

666
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,317
<font color="#ffff00">Hashtag biscuit blocker. Yes, I did.</font>

667
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:43,860
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

668
00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:48,489
<font color="#ffff00">Now,</font>

669
00:31:49,032 --> 00:31:51,242
<font color="#ffff00">did this actually happen?</font>

670
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:52,535
<font color="#ffff00">Yes, it did.</font>

671
00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:55,246
<font color="#ffff00">You can go online
and watch the video on YouTube.</font>

672
00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:58,917
<font color="#ffff00">Punch in "Snoop Dogg",
next to that put "Fluffy" or "Gabriel"</font>

673
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,376
<font color="#ffff00">and you can see the whole thing.</font>

674
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:02,045
<font color="#ffff00">Let me know how it turns out.</font>

675
00:32:02,462 --> 00:32:04,005
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

676
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,591
<font color="#ffff00">The fact that I got to meet Snoop
was awesome.</font>

677
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:08,176
<font color="#ffff00">He looked for me.</font>

678
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:11,512
<font color="#ffff00">But every now and then, I go out
and I want to meet people,</font>

679
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:12,764
<font color="#ffff00">I want to see cool things.</font>

680
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,766
<font color="#ffff00">For example, comedy.</font>

681
00:32:14,849 --> 00:32:17,852
<font color="#ffff00">I'm a huge fan of comedy.
Not just performing it.</font>

682
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,437
<font color="#ffff00">But I love going to shows.</font>

683
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,565
<font color="#ffff00">I go to a comedy show
every now and then, alone.</font>

684
00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:25,151
<font color="#ffff00">Now, I don't know
if that sounds weird to you guys,</font>

685
00:32:25,234 --> 00:32:28,321
<font color="#ffff00">but for me to do anything
nowadays by myself...</font>

686
00:32:28,696 --> 00:32:31,366
<font color="#ffff00">It's my crew. All the people
that work for me,</font>

687
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:34,911
<font color="#ffff00">they freak out when I go places.
They're always concerned for my safety.</font>

688
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,455
<font color="#ffff00">"What if someone tries to kidnap you?"</font>

689
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:40,208
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

690
00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:43,795
<font color="#ffff00">Well, they're going to earn it.</font>

691
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:45,421
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

692
00:32:47,757 --> 00:32:50,051
<font color="#ffff00">I got into a fight with some
of my team members</font>

693
00:32:50,134 --> 00:32:51,928
<font color="#ffff00">and I said, "You know what?
I'm going out."</font>

694
00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:54,097
<font color="#ffff00">I bought myself a ticket</font>

695
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:57,475
<font color="#ffff00">and I went to go watch
Chris Rock, one night, in concert.</font>

696
00:32:57,558 --> 00:32:58,935
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

697
00:32:59,018 --> 00:33:01,062
<font color="#ffff00">Now, I says, "You know what?</font>

698
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,731
<font color="#ffff00">Maybe I can make my way backstage</font>

699
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,317
<font color="#ffff00">and, I don't know, if I get lucky,
maybe I'll say hi to him.</font>

700
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:09,237
<font color="#ffff00">I've always wanted to meet him."
So I go to the side of the stage</font>

701
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,571
<font color="#ffff00">and I run into security.</font>

702
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:11,739
<font color="#ffff00">And I said, "Hey!"</font>

703
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,034
<font color="#ffff00">He looked at me and said, "Fluffy!"</font>

704
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:19,038
<font color="#ffff00">When he did that, I said, "Hey, listen,
I forgot my keys, I'll be right back."</font>

705
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:21,124
<font color="#ffff00">And the guy's like,
"Yeah, keep going, get your keys."</font>

706
00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:22,959
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Oh, my God, that shit worked!"</font>

707
00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,419
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

708
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,172
<font color="#ffff00">Just like that,</font>

709
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:30,800
<font color="#ffff00">I snuck backstage at a Chris Rock concert.</font>

710
00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:34,053
<font color="#ffff00">Once I was behind the curtain,
I was in my element.</font>

711
00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:37,056
<font color="#ffff00">I knew where everything was.
I knew where the food was,</font>

712
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,892
<font color="#ffff00">I knew where the dressing rooms were,
where the bathrooms were...</font>

713
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,271
<font color="#ffff00">I'm walking around with a soda,
people are coming up to me.</font>

714
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,606
<font color="#ffff00">"We didn't know
you were going to be here."</font>

715
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,191
<font color="#ffff00">"I got a call last minute."</font>

716
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:49,068
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

717
00:33:49,235 --> 00:33:50,528
<font color="#ffff00">"Looking for my keys."</font>

718
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:52,363
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

719
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:55,241
<font color="#ffff00">I says, "You know what, I got this far.</font>

720
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:56,868
<font color="#ffff00">I'm going to push it.</font>

721
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:58,995
<font color="#ffff00">I want to meet him."</font>

722
00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:00,997
<font color="#ffff00">I've always wanted to meet Chris Rock.</font>

723
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,957
<font color="#ffff00">It was not hard. Once I was back there,</font>

724
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:04,834
<font color="#ffff00">I just had to go to the dressing rooms.</font>

725
00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:07,211
<font color="#ffff00">All I had to do was read the name
on the door.</font>

726
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:08,921
<font color="#ffff00">I'm standing there,</font>

727
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:11,174
<font color="#ffff00">in front of the door,
and I'm hyperventilating.</font>

728
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:14,761
<font color="#ffff00">[panting]</font>

729
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:16,804
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics knocking]</font>

730
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:18,556
<font color="#ffff00">The door opens up</font>

731
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:22,727
<font color="#ffff00">and there's this man in there,
this bodyguard who's just massive.</font>

732
00:34:22,810 --> 00:34:25,396
<font color="#ffff00">I'm a big guy, but damn, he was huge!</font>

733
00:34:26,022 --> 00:34:27,648
<font color="#ffff00">As soon as he opened the door...</font>

734
00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:31,235
<font color="#ffff00">[low-pitched growl]</font>

735
00:34:31,694 --> 00:34:33,821
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics whooshing]</font>

736
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,866
<font color="#ffff00">[roaring]
For real. Welcome to Jurassic--</font>

737
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:37,784
<font color="#ffff00">Big!</font>

738
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,744
<font color="#ffff00">Grandote.</font>

739
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:42,830
<font color="#ffff00">And I'm standing there and I'm like...</font>

740
00:34:43,289 --> 00:34:44,123
<font color="#ffff00">"Hi."</font>

741
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:47,418
<font color="#ffff00">And he's like, "Can I help you?"</font>

742
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:49,587
<font color="#ffff00">"Yes, my name is Gabriel,
I'm a comedian.</font>

743
00:34:49,670 --> 00:34:52,924
<font color="#ffff00">And I wanted to see if I could say hi
to Chris Rock if that's possible."</font>

744
00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:54,467
<font color="#ffff00">"You say you comedian?"</font>

745
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,426
<font color="#ffff00">"Yes."</font>

746
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:59,097
<font color="#ffff00">"Well, then you understand Chris is going
over his material right now.</font>

747
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:00,848
<font color="#ffff00">He really ain't trying to talk to nobody.</font>

748
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:04,185
<font color="#ffff00">So I'll tell you what, player, if you want
to come by after the show,</font>

749
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:06,354
<font color="#ffff00">You're more than welcome to,
but right now</font>

750
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:07,855
<font color="#ffff00">it's not a good time.</font>

751
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:11,275
<font color="#ffff00">Chris Rock is a busy man."</font>

752
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:13,736
<font color="#ffff00">[clicks tongue, sighs]</font>

753
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:15,196
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

754
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:17,824
<font color="#ffff00">"Can I wave?"</font>

755
00:35:17,907 --> 00:35:18,866
<font color="#ffff00">"Excuse me?"</font>

756
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:19,784
<font color="#ffff00">"Can I wave?"</font>

757
00:35:20,535 --> 00:35:21,619
<font color="#ffff00">"What you mean?"</font>

758
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,998
<font color="#ffff00">"Can I wave to Chris? I don't have
to come in. Can I wave?"</font>

759
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,584
<font color="#ffff00">Chris Rock is in the room.</font>

760
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,294
<font color="#ffff00">He can hear</font>

761
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,798
<font color="#ffff00">the stupid conversation
that's taking place.</font>

762
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:35,049
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

763
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:39,387
<font color="#ffff00">I know this because I can hear Chris Rock
in the background.</font>

764
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:43,641
<font color="#ffff00">"What's going on? Who's at the door?
Move out the way."</font>

765
00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:47,103
<font color="#ffff00">"Yo, Chris, I got this, man. I got this."</font>

766
00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:48,062
<font color="#ffff00">"Move!"</font>

767
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:48,980
<font color="#ffff00">"Alright."</font>

768
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:50,731
<font color="#ffff00">The guy stands to the side.</font>

769
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,693
<font color="#ffff00">And now I'm looking at Chris Rock.</font>

770
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:55,778
<font color="#ffff00">And he recognized me.</font>

771
00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:58,072
<font color="#ffff00">And it freaked me out.</font>

772
00:35:58,322 --> 00:35:59,824
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, yeah, it freaked me out. He's like,</font>

773
00:36:01,033 --> 00:36:02,076
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, shit!</font>

774
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:05,454
<font color="#ffff00">Look who it is. Look who it is.</font>

775
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,332
<font color="#ffff00">It's the king of the Mexicans."</font>

776
00:36:08,416 --> 00:36:10,126
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

777
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:21,554
<font color="#ffff00">Chris Rock called me
the king of the Mexicans.</font>

778
00:36:22,054 --> 00:36:25,683
<font color="#ffff00">For the rest of the show,
everyone referred to me as "El Chapo."</font>

779
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:35,526
<font color="#ffff00">I was celebrating the fact
that I got away with that for so long.</font>

780
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:36,861
<font color="#ffff00">For so long!</font>

781
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:40,364
<font color="#ffff00">"I snuck backstage at Chris Rock!
I snuck backstage, I snuck--"</font>

782
00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:43,701
<font color="#ffff00">Until Karma showed up one day,</font>

783
00:36:45,119 --> 00:36:47,288
<font color="#ffff00">in the form of the</font>

784
00:36:47,955 --> 00:36:50,917
<font color="#ffff00">most extreme fan</font>

785
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:54,503
<font color="#ffff00">I have ever had in 20 years
of me being a comedian.</font>

786
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:58,925
<font color="#ffff00">I had someone who not only
made it backstage.</font>

787
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:01,052
<font color="#ffff00">This person paid</font>

788
00:37:01,510 --> 00:37:03,596
<font color="#ffff00">to get into my dressing room.</font>

789
00:37:04,263 --> 00:37:06,307
<font color="#ffff00">Okay? Yeah. He didn't pay me, by the way.</font>

790
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,185
<font color="#ffff00">He didn't pay me. I'm an honest hoe.</font>

791
00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:11,145
<font color="#ffff00">Okay?</font>

792
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,564
<font color="#ffff00">I made no money that day, alright?</font>

793
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:16,901
<font color="#ffff00">If I had gotten paid,
you wouldn't be hearing this story.</font>

794
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:19,487
<font color="#ffff00">Here's the thing.</font>

795
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:22,823
<font color="#ffff00">I walk into my dressing room
from the bathroom.</font>

796
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:25,284
<font color="#ffff00">I just finished showering up
and I'm in a towel.</font>

797
00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:28,079
<font color="#ffff00">I walk into the room,</font>

798
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:30,873
<font color="#ffff00">come to find out later that this man</font>

799
00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:35,378
<font color="#ffff00">was a very wealthy businessman
in the community, okay?</font>

800
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:41,884
<font color="#ffff00">And when I walked into the room,
he's wearing a very, very nice suit.</font>

801
00:37:42,051 --> 00:37:43,594
<font color="#ffff00">So when I saw the suit,</font>

802
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:46,764
<font color="#ffff00">I didn't give it a second thought,
because he looked professional.</font>

803
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:49,225
<font color="#ffff00">I thought maybe he was
the general manager of the building,</font>

804
00:37:49,308 --> 00:37:52,103
<font color="#ffff00">one of the concert promoters,
he could have been someone's agent...</font>

805
00:37:52,228 --> 00:37:55,189
<font color="#ffff00">So when I walked in the room,
in my towel, right,</font>

806
00:37:56,023 --> 00:37:56,983
<font color="#ffff00">"Can I help you?"</font>

807
00:37:58,442 --> 00:37:59,694
<font color="#ffff00">He looks at me</font>

808
00:38:00,236 --> 00:38:06,659
<font color="#ffff00">and it was the most uncomfortable
conversation I have ever had.</font>

809
00:38:07,743 --> 00:38:09,161
<font color="#ffff00">He looks at me and says,</font>

810
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:11,247
<font color="#ffff00">"Listen.</font>

811
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:15,126
<font color="#ffff00">[inhales deeply, exhales]</font>

812
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:16,627
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

813
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:22,925
<font color="#ffff00">I am not here to waste any of your time.</font>

814
00:38:24,093 --> 00:38:27,388
<font color="#ffff00">Fluffy, I am prepared to take care of you.</font>

815
00:38:30,766 --> 00:38:33,644
<font color="#ffff00">I will give you a new Lexus.</font>

816
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:38,065
<font color="#ffff00">And an allowance that's more
than what you make as a comedian.</font>

817
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,818
<font color="#ffff00">Leave with me."</font>

818
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,611
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

819
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:54,582
<font color="#ffff00">I was never more disgusted</font>

820
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:59,462
<font color="#ffff00">and offended at the fact
that I was not gay.</font>

821
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:01,297
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

822
00:39:01,380 --> 00:39:03,049
<font color="#ffff00">Because finally!</font>

823
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:06,510
<font color="#ffff00">Finally, somebody wants
to take care of me.</font>

824
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:08,262
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>

825
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,681
<font color="#ffff00">Do you know how many people
I take care of?</font>

826
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:14,226
<font color="#ffff00">No one's ever offered me a Lexus,
and they should.</font>

827
00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:18,481
<font color="#ffff00">I felt horrible saying no to this guy.</font>

828
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:21,150
<font color="#ffff00">I still think about it.</font>

829
00:39:21,567 --> 00:39:22,943
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

830
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:25,029
<font color="#ffff00">I still have the number.</font>

831
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:26,697
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

832
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,075
<font color="#ffff00">Houston, I'm going to tell you something,</font>

833
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:32,161
<font color="#ffff00">and I don't know how this is going
to go over, but I'm going to say it.</font>

834
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:34,163
<font color="#ffff00">I would be</font>

835
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:35,956
<font color="#ffff00">an amazing</font>

836
00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:37,375
<font color="#ffff00">gay partner.</font>

837
00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:38,918
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

838
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:43,589
<font color="#ffff00">I would! All the way up
until that one part, but even then.</font>

839
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:45,091
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

840
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,426
<font color="#ffff00">Have you ever driven a Lexus?</font>

841
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:48,344
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

842
00:39:48,427 --> 00:39:49,553
<font color="#ffff00">Those are nice!</font>

843
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:52,139
<font color="#ffff00">Sometimes you got to take one
for your own team. I'm just saying.</font>

844
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:53,099
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

845
00:39:56,727 --> 00:39:58,437
<font color="#ffff00">Now, in all seriousness,</font>

846
00:39:58,521 --> 00:39:59,939
<font color="#ffff00">not to be funny,</font>

847
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,358
<font color="#ffff00">not to be disrespectful,</font>

848
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:06,779
<font color="#ffff00">let me tell you the reason why
I would be an amazing gay partner.</font>

849
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:09,323
<font color="#ffff00">The level,</font>

850
00:40:10,282 --> 00:40:13,160
<font color="#ffff00">the level of communication</font>

851
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:17,706
<font color="#ffff00">between two men is so high,</font>

852
00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,708
<font color="#ffff00">I might actually</font>

853
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:21,335
<font color="#ffff00">get an answer.</font>

854
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,840
<font color="#ffff00">There might be clarity and understanding.</font>

855
00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:28,551
<font color="#ffff00">I might hear a yes,
I might hear a no.</font>

856
00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:34,098
<font color="#ffff00">Do you know how many relationships
I have been in</font>

857
00:40:34,265 --> 00:40:37,726
<font color="#ffff00">where I still don't know the outcome
to certain conversations?</font>

858
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:39,145
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

859
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:42,398
<font color="#ffff00">Very simple "yes or no" questions.
That's what I would do.</font>

860
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,899
<font color="#ffff00">Something as simple as...</font>

861
00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:46,485
<font color="#ffff00">Bebé, you hungry?</font>

862
00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:48,779
<font color="#ffff00">"Well...</font>

863
00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:52,783
<font color="#ffff00">I haven't eaten yet,
so I probably should eat something,</font>

864
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:54,452
<font color="#ffff00">but I'm not feeling it right now.</font>

865
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:56,996
<font color="#ffff00">But if I don't eat right now,
you know how I'm gonna get later.</font>

866
00:40:57,079 --> 00:41:00,040
<font color="#ffff00">So I guess it's probably a good idea
if I start eating right now,</font>

867
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:01,917
<font color="#ffff00">but it really depends on the options.</font>

868
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,002
<font color="#ffff00">What do you think?"</font>

869
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,545
<font color="#ffff00">Ah!</font>

870
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,303
<font color="#ffff00">What about this one?</font>

871
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:17,391
<font color="#ffff00">Bebé, where would you like to eat?</font>

872
00:41:17,933 --> 00:41:19,310
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

873
00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:21,854
<font color="#ffff00">You hear all the guys?</font>

874
00:41:21,937 --> 00:41:23,105
<font color="#ffff00">"Finally!</font>

875
00:41:23,772 --> 00:41:25,357
<font color="#ffff00">I'm not alone!"</font>

876
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:28,027
<font color="#ffff00">Everybody's pointing at somebody
right now.</font>

877
00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:29,778
<font color="#ffff00">Guys, am I right?</font>

878
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,239
<font color="#ffff00">This has to be-- You would think</font>

879
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:37,119
<font color="#ffff00">that this is the safest question
in the world to ask, but it's not.</font>

880
00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:40,414
<font color="#ffff00">"Well...</font>

881
00:41:41,874 --> 00:41:43,083
<font color="#ffff00">Just pick something.</font>

882
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,002
<font color="#ffff00">You know me, I go with the flow.</font>

883
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:47,254
<font color="#ffff00">Whatever you decide is okay with me.</font>

884
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,381
<font color="#ffff00">You know me already,
just pick something."</font>

885
00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:51,383
<font color="#ffff00">"Alright, we're going to Burger King."</font>

886
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:53,469
<font color="#ffff00">"I don't like Burger King.</font>

887
00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:56,180
<font color="#ffff00">Why do we got to go to Burger King?</font>

888
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:58,516
<font color="#ffff00">Burger King gives me chorro."</font>

889
00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:00,267
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

890
00:42:00,726 --> 00:42:02,561
<font color="#ffff00">Chorro is Mexican diarrhea.</font>

891
00:42:07,149 --> 00:42:08,234
<font color="#ffff00">How about this one?</font>

892
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:10,319
<font color="#ffff00">"How do you feel?"</font>

893
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:13,531
<font color="#ffff00">"Really?</font>

894
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,909
<font color="#ffff00">Really? You want to know how I feel?</font>

895
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:20,037
<font color="#ffff00">Well, maybe if you'd pay attention
from time to time,</font>

896
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,039
<font color="#ffff00">you might know how I feel.</font>

897
00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:24,375
<font color="#ffff00">You might not need to have to ask me
such a question,</font>

898
00:42:24,458 --> 00:42:27,795
<font color="#ffff00">because you would already know
exactly how I feel.</font>

899
00:42:27,878 --> 00:42:29,380
<font color="#ffff00">You might have time and energy.</font>

900
00:42:29,463 --> 00:42:32,132
<font color="#ffff00">I'm exhausted to let you know how I feel</font>

901
00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:35,886
<font color="#ffff00">and you have the nerve to ask me
'How do you feel?'"</font>

902
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:43,894
<font color="#ffff00">Now imagine</font>

903
00:42:44,895 --> 00:42:47,815
<font color="#ffff00">the exact same conversation</font>

904
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,358
<font color="#ffff00">between me</font>

905
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:51,735
<font color="#ffff00">and Mr. Lexus.</font>

906
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:52,861
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

907
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,739
<font color="#ffff00">Do you know how efficient
that conversation would be?</font>

908
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,157
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey, bro!</font>

909
00:42:58,325 --> 00:42:59,285
<font color="#ffff00">You hungry?"</font>

910
00:42:59,618 --> 00:43:01,120
<font color="#ffff00">"I thought you'd never ask."</font>

911
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,247
<font color="#ffff00">"What do you want to eat?"</font>

912
00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:04,748
<font color="#ffff00">"Whatever you want to eat."</font>

913
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:06,667
<font color="#ffff00">"We're going to Burger King."</font>

914
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:08,168
<font color="#ffff00">"I love Whoppers."</font>

915
00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:09,295
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

916
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:10,713
<font color="#ffff00">"Me, too!"</font>

917
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:13,882
<font color="#ffff00">We go to Burger King and we tear it up.</font>

918
00:43:14,258 --> 00:43:16,677
<font color="#ffff00">We get back home and I ask him, "Hey,</font>

919
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:18,429
<font color="#ffff00">how do you feel?"</font>

920
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:19,888
<font color="#ffff00">"Horny."</font>

921
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:21,682
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

922
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:23,976
<font color="#ffff00">"Me, too!</font>

923
00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:27,521
<font color="#ffff00">How do you want to do this?
Heads or tails?"</font>

924
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:29,315
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

925
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,525
<font color="#ffff00">It would be efficient!</font>

926
00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:33,485
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

927
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:41,535
<font color="#ffff00">This is hypothetical.</font>

928
00:43:43,078 --> 00:43:45,456
<font color="#ffff00">But believe me,
I still think about it, you know?</font>

929
00:43:45,539 --> 00:43:48,792
<font color="#ffff00">Especially whenever I get into fights
with my girl and she says something like,</font>

930
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,878
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, you think you can do better?"</font>

931
00:43:51,128 --> 00:43:52,713
<font color="#ffff00">I know I can have a Lexus.</font>

932
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:54,256
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

933
00:43:58,510 --> 00:43:59,470
<font color="#ffff00">I don't know, man.</font>

934
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,431
<font color="#ffff00">I know we're in the middle
of a Netflix taping.</font>

935
00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:05,309
<font color="#ffff00">Whoever is running the light up there,</font>

936
00:44:05,392 --> 00:44:07,519
<font color="#ffff00">just want to make sure,
'cause I keep moving.</font>

937
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:09,396
<font color="#ffff00">And I stepped out of your light twice.</font>

938
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,984
<font color="#ffff00">Any other show, I'd be like,
"No problem, no big deal."</font>

939
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:15,444
<font color="#ffff00">But this is for Netflix.</font>

940
00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:18,155
<font color="#ffff00">It's the people that replaced
Comedy Central.</font>

941
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:21,033
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd ooh's]</font>

942
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:25,788
<font color="#ffff00">But no, I'll try not to move too fast,</font>

943
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:28,332
<font color="#ffff00">but how slow are you
if you can't keep up with me?</font>

944
00:44:28,415 --> 00:44:29,833
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

945
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:32,044
<font color="#ffff00">You should work for Immigration.</font>

946
00:44:32,127 --> 00:44:33,504
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

947
00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:39,927
<font color="#ffff00">I'm just giving you a hard time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.</font>

948
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:41,637
<font color="#ffff00">Ladies and gen-- I apologize for that.</font>

949
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:45,099
<font color="#ffff00">Can we give a big round of applause to our
person running the spotlight up there?</font>

950
00:44:45,182 --> 00:44:46,600
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

951
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,646
<font color="#ffff00">I honestly don't think
that the people that work</font>

952
00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:53,315
<font color="#ffff00">behind the scenes,
like spotlight operators,</font>

953
00:44:53,399 --> 00:44:54,441
<font color="#ffff00">get enough credit.</font>

954
00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:56,944
<font color="#ffff00">Whether it's spotlight operators,
the people that run the cameras,</font>

955
00:44:57,027 --> 00:45:00,072
<font color="#ffff00">the people that set up the stages,
the people that work security,</font>

956
00:45:00,447 --> 00:45:02,408
<font color="#ffff00">the people that run the building.</font>

957
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,160
<font color="#ffff00">Without them, there is no show.</font>

958
00:45:06,328 --> 00:45:07,705
<font color="#ffff00">And the same thing goes with me.</font>

959
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:10,457
<font color="#ffff00">I got my own support team:
managers, agents, promoters,</font>

960
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,376
<font color="#ffff00">you know, freaking merchandise people.</font>

961
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:13,919
<font color="#ffff00">I have a bus driver</font>

962
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,754
<font color="#ffff00">named Dave,</font>

963
00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:18,841
<font color="#ffff00">who has never received any credit.</font>

964
00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:21,593
<font color="#ffff00">And he's been working for me
for almost 10 years now.</font>

965
00:45:22,553 --> 00:45:23,470
<font color="#ffff00">This man...</font>

966
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:25,472
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

967
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:30,269
<font color="#ffff00">This man has successfully gotten me
to every single comedy show</font>

968
00:45:30,352 --> 00:45:32,062
<font color="#ffff00">on time, without fail.</font>

969
00:45:32,646 --> 00:45:34,648
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

970
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,488
<font color="#ffff00">If I had to describe him to you, okay?</font>

971
00:45:42,573 --> 00:45:45,200
<font color="#ffff00">Dave looks like the word</font>

972
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:47,119
<font color="#ffff00">'Murica.</font>

973
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:48,954
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

974
00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,498
<font color="#ffff00">Not "America."</font>

975
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:53,167
<font color="#ffff00">'Murica!</font>

976
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:56,503
<font color="#ffff00">He's about six feet tall and he's white.</font>

977
00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:59,256
<font color="#ffff00">He has a gray beard
and he wears a trucker hat.</font>

978
00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:03,385
<font color="#ffff00">And he's got to be one of the most
hardworking people I have ever met.</font>

979
00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:04,845
<font color="#ffff00">When I say hardworking,</font>

980
00:46:04,928 --> 00:46:08,599
<font color="#ffff00">Hey, I'm on the road 46 weeks
out of the year. So I know.</font>

981
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:09,683
<font color="#ffff00">The difference is</font>

982
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:12,644
<font color="#ffff00">I fly home every Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday.</font>

983
00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:16,815
<font color="#ffff00">Dave stays on that bus and he gets it
to the next city, where we meet him.</font>

984
00:46:17,024 --> 00:46:20,027
<font color="#ffff00">He works anniversaries,
holidays, special moments.</font>

985
00:46:20,110 --> 00:46:22,279
<font color="#ffff00">Christmas time, I was with my family.</font>

986
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,865
<font color="#ffff00">Dave was driving that bus
on the East Coast.</font>

987
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,784
<font color="#ffff00">New Year's, I was with my family.</font>

988
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:29,453
<font color="#ffff00">Dave was on the East Coast
driving that bus.</font>

989
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:32,706
<font color="#ffff00">One of the hardest working people
I've ever met.</font>

990
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,750
<font color="#ffff00">I just want to give a shout-out.</font>

991
00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:37,628
<font color="#ffff00">[applause, cheering]</font>

992
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,094
<font color="#ffff00">In addition to being hardworking,</font>

993
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:49,223
<font color="#ffff00">he's, uh-- He's very honest.</font>

994
00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:53,644
<font color="#ffff00">When I say honest, I don't mean
"Oh, he does his taxes right."</font>

995
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,982
<font color="#ffff00">I mean painfully honest.
No-filter honest.</font>

996
00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,860
<font color="#ffff00">He talks the way people used to.</font>

997
00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:04,905
<font color="#ffff00">He does not have time to mince words.</font>

998
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:06,657
<font color="#ffff00">He just calls it like he sees it.</font>

999
00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:11,912
<font color="#ffff00">Before me, he used to work with a man
by the name of Kenny G.</font>

1000
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:16,792
<font color="#ffff00">Grammy Award winner,
amazing, amazing music.</font>

1001
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:18,126
<font color="#ffff00">Um...</font>

1002
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:23,131
<font color="#ffff00">one day, Kenny G was on his tour bus
that Dave was driving,</font>

1003
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,218
<font color="#ffff00">and I guess the two of them
had a little discussion</font>

1004
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:31,098
<font color="#ffff00">and Kenny G used some words that Dave
would've rather him not have used.</font>

1005
00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:33,183
<font color="#ffff00">And instead of getting into it with him,</font>

1006
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:34,852
<font color="#ffff00">this is what Dave does.</font>

1007
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:37,729
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics engine, tires screeching]</font>

1008
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:40,440
<font color="#ffff00">[brake hissing, door whooshing]</font>

1009
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,569
<font color="#ffff00">Kicked Kenny G off of his own bus.</font>

1010
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:45,195
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1011
00:47:46,613 --> 00:47:49,616
<font color="#ffff00">Because he would rather lose his job</font>

1012
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,952
<font color="#ffff00">than lose his self-respect.</font>

1013
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:53,745
<font color="#ffff00">And that's the man I work with.</font>

1014
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:55,539
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>

1015
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:56,874
<font color="#ffff00">He's a bad dude.</font>

1016
00:47:59,626 --> 00:48:02,629
<font color="#ffff00">You guys are clapping,
but you should've seen the interview.</font>

1017
00:48:02,796 --> 00:48:05,007
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, man, it was a good one. [laughs]</font>

1018
00:48:05,090 --> 00:48:07,301
<font color="#ffff00">He looks at me and he says, "Hey!</font>

1019
00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:09,344
<font color="#ffff00">Let's get one thing straight.</font>

1020
00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:11,471
<font color="#ffff00">I don't give a shit who you are.</font>

1021
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:14,099
<font color="#ffff00">You treat me right,
I'll treat you right.</font>

1022
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:16,143
<font color="#ffff00">You pay me on time, you'll live.</font>

1023
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:17,936
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1024
00:48:20,522 --> 00:48:24,026
<font color="#ffff00">Not to mention the fact that
he keeps that tour bus squeaky clean.</font>

1025
00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:26,236
<font color="#ffff00">And he takes a lot of pride
in that as well.</font>

1026
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,322
<font color="#ffff00">One night, I was drinking on the bus,</font>

1027
00:48:28,405 --> 00:48:30,407
<font color="#ffff00">and I go to put my cup down.</font>

1028
00:48:30,782 --> 00:48:34,036
<font color="#ffff00">And I miss the table,
and the cup hit the floor.</font>

1029
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:37,039
<font color="#ffff00">I didn't get up right away to get the cup,</font>

1030
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:40,500
<font color="#ffff00">because I figured I'll get up in a couple
minutes and make myself another drink,</font>

1031
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:42,252
<font color="#ffff00">I'll pick up the cup then.</font>

1032
00:48:43,253 --> 00:48:46,924
<font color="#ffff00">Dave sees the cup on the floor,
and then he looks at me and says,</font>

1033
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:50,260
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey! I ain't your mama.
Pick that shit up!"</font>

1034
00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:52,387
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1035
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:58,602
<font color="#ffff00">I get to the back of the bus and I'm like,
"Wait a minute, I pay him."</font>

1036
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:01,063
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey, Dave..." "Shut up!"</font>

1037
00:49:01,146 --> 00:49:03,857
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, I'll be in the back, in my room.
Thank you. Drive safe."</font>

1038
00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:11,365
<font color="#ffff00">And people tell me, "You work with a man
who talks that way to you?</font>

1039
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:12,699
<font color="#ffff00">Why?"</font>

1040
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:13,992
<font color="#ffff00">Let me tell you why.</font>

1041
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:15,661
<font color="#ffff00">Because he's honest.</font>

1042
00:49:15,744 --> 00:49:18,205
<font color="#ffff00">With Dave, you know exactly what you get.</font>

1043
00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:22,542
<font color="#ffff00">Nowadays, it's so hard for me
to tell who's being genuine</font>

1044
00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:24,127
<font color="#ffff00">and who has an agenda,</font>

1045
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:26,838
<font color="#ffff00">and with him, you know exactly
where you stand.</font>

1046
00:49:28,131 --> 00:49:30,425
<font color="#ffff00">If he likes you, he loves you.</font>

1047
00:49:30,550 --> 00:49:33,720
<font color="#ffff00">And if not, you're on the curb
with Kenny G.</font>

1048
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:35,263
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1049
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:37,265
<font color="#ffff00">That being said,</font>

1050
00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:39,226
<font color="#ffff00">I have a story to share.</font>

1051
00:49:39,601 --> 00:49:41,144
<font color="#ffff00">[scattered whooping]</font>

1052
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,313
<font color="#ffff00">About a year and a half ago,</font>

1053
00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:44,856
<font color="#ffff00">maybe longer,</font>

1054
00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:46,525
<font color="#ffff00">we're on the bus</font>

1055
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:48,402
<font color="#ffff00">and we're heading down the highway.</font>

1056
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:50,404
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics bus thrumming]</font>

1057
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,198
<font color="#ffff00">Just so you have kind of an understanding
of the bus layout.</font>

1058
00:49:53,281 --> 00:49:54,658
<font color="#ffff00">Let's say this is the front.</font>

1059
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:56,493
<font color="#ffff00">Here's Dave, the driver.</font>

1060
00:49:56,576 --> 00:49:57,494
<font color="#ffff00">Empty seat.</font>

1061
00:49:57,661 --> 00:50:02,874
<font color="#ffff00">And then a sliding door that goes in
between him and the rest of the tour bus.</font>

1062
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:06,670
<font color="#ffff00">My buddy Alfred and I are in the living
room portion and we're watching TV.</font>

1063
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:09,297
<font color="#ffff00">We're watching the news,</font>

1064
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:12,384
<font color="#ffff00">and on the news, there's this person</font>

1065
00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:17,097
<font color="#ffff00">who is running for some type of office.</font>

1066
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:20,058
<font color="#ffff00">No particular office.</font>

1067
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,393
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1068
00:50:21,476 --> 00:50:24,438
<font color="#ffff00">And I guess their big plan is to</font>

1069
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:27,065
<font color="#ffff00">erect a structure...</font>

1070
00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:28,483
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1071
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,278
<font color="#ffff00">...between two bodies of land.</font>

1072
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:32,821
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1073
00:50:33,530 --> 00:50:34,489
<font color="#ffff00">Somewhere.</font>

1074
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:40,871
<font color="#ffff00">And I guess they want one side of the
structure to finance the entire project.</font>

1075
00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:44,833
<font color="#ffff00">Well, my buddy Alfred and I have
a lot of family that works in construction</font>

1076
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:47,878
<font color="#ffff00">and we know a bad job when we see one.</font>

1077
00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:53,508
<font color="#ffff00">So we started to voice our opinion out
loud about how we felt about this person</font>

1078
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:55,260
<font color="#ffff00">and what they wanted to do.</font>

1079
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:57,679
<font color="#ffff00">We're being very loud.</font>

1080
00:50:57,763 --> 00:51:02,976
<font color="#ffff00">So loud, Dave can hear us
and then we hear Dave.</font>

1081
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:08,607
<font color="#ffff00">[exaggerated laugh]</font>

1082
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:09,566
<font color="#ffff00">"'Murica."</font>

1083
00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:11,443
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1084
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:17,199
<font color="#ffff00">I yell out to Dave, I say,
"Be quiet, Dave. This isn't about you."</font>

1085
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:21,578
<font color="#ffff00">He taps a button on the dashboard
that activates the sliding door.</font>

1086
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,499
<font color="#ffff00">And when the door is about that far
from closing, he yells out,</font>

1087
00:51:25,582 --> 00:51:26,875
<font color="#ffff00">"I'm building a wall."</font>

1088
00:51:26,958 --> 00:51:27,876
<font color="#ffff00">[thud]</font>

1089
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:30,420
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1090
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:39,638
<font color="#ffff00">I couldn't even get upset</font>

1091
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:42,099
<font color="#ffff00">because I was too much in shock
over the fact that</font>

1092
00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:44,476
<font color="#ffff00">that came out of someone
four feet away from me.</font>

1093
00:51:45,227 --> 00:51:47,145
<font color="#ffff00">My buddy Alfred and I,
we looked like chickens.</font>

1094
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:49,940
<font color="#ffff00">We're like... [clucking noises]</font>

1095
00:51:51,024 --> 00:51:52,526
<font color="#ffff00">My cell phone goes off.</font>

1096
00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:53,944
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics phone vibrating]</font>

1097
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:57,405
<font color="#ffff00">I take out my phone
and there's a text message.</font>

1098
00:51:58,532 --> 00:51:59,407
<font color="#ffff00">From Dave.</font>

1099
00:51:59,616 --> 00:52:00,784
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1100
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:02,035
<font color="#ffff00">And I said, "That's right.</font>

1101
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:03,161
<font color="#ffff00">He better say, 'I'm sorry.'</font>

1102
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:04,371
<font color="#ffff00">He better say, 'Just kidding.'"</font>

1103
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:08,166
<font color="#ffff00">I open up the text message and it says,
"And you're paying for it."</font>

1104
00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:11,211
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter, applause]</font>

1105
00:52:18,343 --> 00:52:20,804
<font color="#ffff00">And people tell me,
"You still work with him after that?"</font>

1106
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:24,266
<font color="#ffff00">Yes, I do. I trust that man with my life
every single night.</font>

1107
00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:25,809
<font color="#ffff00">I know where his heart's at.</font>

1108
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,269
<font color="#ffff00">He can say whatever he wants.</font>

1109
00:52:27,352 --> 00:52:31,273
<font color="#ffff00">At the end of the day, he still has to
drive around the king of the Mexicans.</font>

1110
00:52:31,481 --> 00:52:32,858
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1111
00:52:34,025 --> 00:52:36,653
<font color="#ffff00">[whooping, applause]</font>

1112
00:52:40,323 --> 00:52:42,993
<font color="#ffff00">The point to this story is</font>

1113
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:46,705
<font color="#ffff00">just because you have a difference
in opinion,</font>

1114
00:52:46,788 --> 00:52:50,625
<font color="#ffff00">it doesn't mean that you can't have
respect for one another,</font>

1115
00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:53,003
<font color="#ffff00">you can't have love for one another,</font>

1116
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:56,214
<font color="#ffff00">that you can't have incredible friendships
with one another.</font>

1117
00:52:56,756 --> 00:52:59,301
<font color="#ffff00">It's our differences that make us special.</font>

1118
00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:03,805
<font color="#ffff00">What a lot of us need to work on is
our delivery.</font>

1119
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,308
<font color="#ffff00">It's all in the way you say things.</font>

1120
00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,977
<font color="#ffff00">That's why text messages
are always misinterpreted.</font>

1121
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:11,938
<font color="#ffff00">'Cause you read the text
according to how you feel.</font>

1122
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:14,065
<font color="#ffff00">"What does he mean, 'Hello'?"</font>

1123
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:18,111
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

1124
00:53:18,361 --> 00:53:22,574
<font color="#ffff00">Anyway, Dave has gotten us
to 48 of the 50 states.</font>

1125
00:53:22,657 --> 00:53:25,410
<font color="#ffff00">He doesn't travel with us
outside of America.</font>

1126
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:26,786
<font color="#ffff00">He prefers it that way.</font>

1127
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:34,502
<font color="#ffff00">Last year, we got a chance to do
a European tour of 15 countries.</font>

1128
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:36,963
<font color="#ffff00">Estonia, Germany, Norway,</font>

1129
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:40,675
<font color="#ffff00">Belgium, the Netherlands, UK... We're just
bouncing around all over the place.</font>

1130
00:53:40,759 --> 00:53:43,011
<font color="#ffff00">And then we wound up
on the other side of the world.</font>

1131
00:53:43,094 --> 00:53:45,680
<font color="#ffff00">Out of all the countries I performed in,</font>

1132
00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:49,601
<font color="#ffff00">my favorite country
outside of home is Australia.</font>

1133
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:51,603
<font color="#ffff00">And I'll tell you why.</font>

1134
00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:55,941
<font color="#ffff00">Australia, much like us in America,</font>

1135
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:58,944
<font color="#ffff00">has its list of priorities.</font>

1136
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,820
<font color="#ffff00">You know what's not on their list?</font>

1137
00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:03,323
<font color="#ffff00">Political correctness.</font>

1138
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:07,244
<font color="#ffff00">They do not care about your feelings.</font>

1139
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:10,956
<font color="#ffff00">It's like a country full of Daves.</font>

1140
00:54:11,039 --> 00:54:12,582
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1141
00:54:13,541 --> 00:54:15,794
<font color="#ffff00">Believe it or not, it's very refreshing</font>

1142
00:54:15,877 --> 00:54:18,588
<font color="#ffff00">to be around such a large group of people</font>

1143
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:20,882
<font color="#ffff00">who speak their minds so freely.</font>

1144
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:24,928
<font color="#ffff00">And if you know that before you go there,
you're going to have an amazing time,</font>

1145
00:54:25,011 --> 00:54:27,597
<font color="#ffff00">but if you don't know that
and you show up,</font>

1146
00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:30,141
<font color="#ffff00">it is a culture shock and a half,</font>

1147
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:32,143
<font color="#ffff00">because I showed up and I didn't know.</font>

1148
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:35,188
<font color="#ffff00">Everybody says you got to see the beaches
and I went to the beach.</font>

1149
00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:37,232
<font color="#ffff00">I had people coming up to me.</font>

1150
00:54:37,315 --> 00:54:40,277
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey! Somebody help me get him
back in the water."</font>

1151
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:42,028
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1152
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:45,699
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, right there, big fella.
Look at you, right there.</font>

1153
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,868
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, wait, he's moving.
He's moving, he's moving.</font>

1154
00:54:49,202 --> 00:54:52,205
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, he's crying! He's crying!</font>

1155
00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:54,541
<font color="#ffff00">I bet it tastes like gravy."</font>

1156
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:56,376
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1157
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:02,173
<font color="#ffff00">It's not bullying if everyone does it.</font>

1158
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:05,176
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, that being said,</font>

1159
00:55:05,927 --> 00:55:07,220
<font color="#ffff00">I'm in Australia.</font>

1160
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:10,015
<font color="#ffff00">Sydney, Australia, at the Opera House,</font>

1161
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:13,268
<font color="#ffff00">for me, was one of the most iconic places
I've ever got to perform in</font>

1162
00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:14,936
<font color="#ffff00">and it was bucket list, definitely.</font>

1163
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:19,107
<font color="#ffff00">After the show, I want to go hang out
with some Aussies see what that was like.</font>

1164
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:20,817
<font color="#ffff00">I'm hanging out at a pub.</font>

1165
00:55:20,900 --> 00:55:22,235
<font color="#ffff00">First things first.</font>

1166
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:25,989
<font color="#ffff00">Australian people do not drink
Foster's beer.</font>

1167
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:29,492
<font color="#ffff00">That's an American thing.
They don't drink that over there.</font>

1168
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:32,495
<font color="#ffff00">I tried ordering one to fit in,
didn't go over well.</font>

1169
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:37,625
<font color="#ffff00">Bartender looked at me,
"You like the taste of piss, do ya?"</font>

1170
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:38,752
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1171
00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:41,046
<font color="#ffff00">"Okay, don't order that again."</font>

1172
00:55:42,630 --> 00:55:45,717
<font color="#ffff00">So I'm hanging out with these two Aussies
and we're drinking a rum</font>

1173
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,218
<font color="#ffff00">called Bundaberg.</font>

1174
00:55:47,469 --> 00:55:48,928
<font color="#ffff00">At first glance,</font>

1175
00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:52,932
<font color="#ffff00">it looks like a Coca-Cola bottle because
there's a polar bear on the front</font>

1176
00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:55,769
<font color="#ffff00">and then you drink it and you're like,
"That's not Coke."</font>

1177
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:57,520
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1178
00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:01,191
<font color="#ffff00">As we're talking, a third Australian
joined the conversation,</font>

1179
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:04,569
<font color="#ffff00">and he sounded a little bit different
from the other two.</font>

1180
00:56:04,652 --> 00:56:06,571
<font color="#ffff00">He had more of a raspy voice.</font>

1181
00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,783
<font color="#ffff00">More like... [growls indistinctly]</font>

1182
00:56:09,949 --> 00:56:12,202
<font color="#ffff00">He sounded like
a drunk pirate underwater.</font>

1183
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:14,037
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1184
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:17,207
<font color="#ffff00">These two guys didn't like him,
so they called him a name and they left,</font>

1185
00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:19,209
<font color="#ffff00">and now it's just me and drunk pirate.</font>

1186
00:56:20,251 --> 00:56:21,628
<font color="#ffff00">We're talking about life.</font>

1187
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:25,673
<font color="#ffff00">Life in America, life in Australia,
talking about our differences.</font>

1188
00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:27,175
<font color="#ffff00">He tells me</font>

1189
00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:29,803
<font color="#ffff00">that he's a professional knife maker.</font>

1190
00:56:30,303 --> 00:56:32,764
<font color="#ffff00">He's showing me how it's done,
he's showing me pictures.</font>

1191
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,474
<font color="#ffff00">We wind up polishing off</font>

1192
00:56:34,849 --> 00:56:37,394
<font color="#ffff00">three bottles of this rum.</font>

1193
00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:42,065
<font color="#ffff00">And drunk wasn't even the right word
to describe</font>

1194
00:56:42,732 --> 00:56:43,817
<font color="#ffff00">our level.</font>

1195
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,111
<font color="#ffff00">My tour manager Ryan,</font>

1196
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:47,987
<font color="#ffff00">he comes up to me and he says,</font>

1197
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:49,697
<font color="#ffff00">"Gabe, time to go."</font>

1198
00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:51,866
<font color="#ffff00">And I look at Ryan and I'm like,</font>

1199
00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:55,286
<font color="#ffff00">"But Ryan, I just made a friend</font>

1200
00:56:56,371 --> 00:56:58,248
<font color="#ffff00">and he makes knives</font>

1201
00:56:59,624 --> 00:57:00,917
<font color="#ffff00">and they're pretty."</font>

1202
00:57:02,377 --> 00:57:06,589
<font color="#ffff00">My tour manager always knows how to talk
to me no matter what condition I'm in.</font>

1203
00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:09,884
<font color="#ffff00">If I'm drunk, he knows better
than to talk to me like I'm an adult.</font>

1204
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,803
<font color="#ffff00">He talks to me like I'm two.</font>

1205
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:14,639
<font color="#ffff00">He looks at me and he says,</font>

1206
00:57:15,181 --> 00:57:16,307
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey, buddy.</font>

1207
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,059
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1208
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:19,686
<font color="#ffff00">You hungry?</font>

1209
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,150
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1210
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:30,405
<font color="#ffff00">Well, listen, if we don't leave right now,
they're gonna close McDonald's</font>

1211
00:57:30,488 --> 00:57:32,449
<font color="#ffff00">and you're going to have to eat
at the airport."</font>

1212
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:37,328
<font color="#ffff00">I gotta go.</font>

1213
00:57:38,371 --> 00:57:41,207
<font color="#ffff00">"Alright, mate, you gotta go,
you gotta go. No worries."</font>

1214
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:42,750
<font color="#ffff00">And he goes to shake my hand.</font>

1215
00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:44,294
<font color="#ffff00">And when he shook my hand,</font>

1216
00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:50,258
<font color="#ffff00">he put his personal pocket knife
that he made in my hand as a gift.</font>

1217
00:57:50,633 --> 00:57:52,844
<font color="#ffff00">"That's for you, mate.
Thanks for being nice."</font>

1218
00:57:53,428 --> 00:57:54,345
<font color="#ffff00">"Thank you!</font>

1219
00:57:54,721 --> 00:57:55,638
<font color="#ffff00">Thank you!</font>

1220
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,391
<font color="#ffff00">I'll cut cheeseburgers with this."</font>

1221
00:57:58,516 --> 00:58:00,143
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1222
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:02,687
<font color="#ffff00">We leave,</font>

1223
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:04,481
<font color="#ffff00">and we head to the restaurant.</font>

1224
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:06,149
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics engine]</font>

1225
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:09,194
<font color="#ffff00">The manager at the restaurant
recognized me.</font>

1226
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:10,361
<font color="#ffff00">He's a big fan.</font>

1227
00:58:10,445 --> 00:58:12,822
<font color="#ffff00">And he said, "Hey, stay as long
as you like."</font>

1228
00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:14,324
<font color="#ffff00">Shouldn't have said that.</font>

1229
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:19,454
<font color="#ffff00">The plan was do the show,
go have some drinks,</font>

1230
00:58:19,537 --> 00:58:23,208
<font color="#ffff00">get a bite to eat, go to the hotel,
shower up and then go to the airport.</font>

1231
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,877
<font color="#ffff00">We stayed so long at the restaurant,</font>

1232
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:27,754
<font color="#ffff00">we had to go straight to the airport.</font>

1233
00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:29,214
<font color="#ffff00">So we get there,</font>

1234
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:33,551
<font color="#ffff00">and you don't sober up in like two hours,</font>

1235
00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:35,678
<font color="#ffff00">after three bottles of rum.</font>

1236
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:38,973
<font color="#ffff00">I was not in airport condition.</font>

1237
00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:40,308
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1238
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:43,436
<font color="#ffff00">And so my tour manager has
one hand on each shoulder, right?</font>

1239
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:45,813
<font color="#ffff00">Ryan's trying to push me
through the airport,</font>

1240
00:58:45,897 --> 00:58:47,899
<font color="#ffff00">and, you know, he's about 190.</font>

1241
00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:50,193
<font color="#ffff00">I'm not.</font>

1242
00:58:50,276 --> 00:58:51,736
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1243
00:58:51,819 --> 00:58:54,280
<font color="#ffff00">And he's pushing me with everything.</font>

1244
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:57,158
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1245
00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:59,452
<font color="#ffff00">And he gets me all the way
to airport security.</font>

1246
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,955
<font color="#ffff00">And airport security in Australia,</font>

1247
00:59:02,038 --> 00:59:03,748
<font color="#ffff00">you don't have to take off your shoes.</font>

1248
00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:05,792
<font color="#ffff00">and I didn't worry about taking off a belt</font>

1249
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:08,044
<font color="#ffff00">because I don't wear a belt,
'cause I have a butt.</font>

1250
00:59:09,629 --> 00:59:12,382
<font color="#ffff00">So he lines me up with airport security</font>

1251
00:59:12,465 --> 00:59:14,467
<font color="#ffff00">and he tells me, "I got to let you go."</font>

1252
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:16,469
<font color="#ffff00">"Don't let me go."
"I got to let you go."</font>

1253
00:59:16,553 --> 00:59:17,554
<font color="#ffff00">"Don't let me go!"</font>

1254
00:59:17,804 --> 00:59:20,932
<font color="#ffff00">And then he pushed me,
and I'm going forward.</font>

1255
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:23,685
<font color="#ffff00">And he yells out, "You're a plane!"</font>

1256
00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:26,187
<font color="#ffff00">and the two-year-old came out.</font>

1257
00:59:26,437 --> 00:59:27,605
<font color="#ffff00">"I'm a plane!"</font>

1258
00:59:28,773 --> 00:59:31,776
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter, applause]</font>

1259
00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:39,200
<font color="#ffff00">And now this Fluffy 747 is headed
right for the metal detector,</font>

1260
00:59:39,867 --> 00:59:42,745
<font color="#ffff00">and I can see the security officer
on the other side.</font>

1261
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:45,915
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1262
00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:50,920
<font color="#ffff00">And when I got really close,
Ryan yells out,</font>

1263
00:59:51,004 --> 00:59:52,755
<font color="#ffff00">"Wings down! Wings down!"</font>

1264
00:59:54,465 --> 00:59:57,176
<font color="#ffff00">And I went through
and I didn't touch the edges,</font>

1265
00:59:57,552 --> 00:59:58,761
<font color="#ffff00">but when I went through...</font>

1266
00:59:58,886 --> 01:00:00,096
<font color="#ffff00">[beep]</font>

1267
01:00:00,555 --> 01:00:02,849
<font color="#ffff00">-[man in the crowd] The knife.
-[crowd gasps]</font>

1268
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:06,477
<font color="#ffff00">I sobered up for half a second
because I realized,</font>

1269
01:00:06,561 --> 01:00:10,982
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, my God, I forgot to check
the knife that the guy gave me</font>

1270
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:14,402
<font color="#ffff00">and it's on me and I've already cleared
the freaking... You know...</font>

1271
01:00:14,485 --> 01:00:16,029
<font color="#ffff00">So I'm like...</font>

1272
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:20,241
<font color="#ffff00">The security officer does this.</font>

1273
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:25,955
<font color="#ffff00">"Eh, go ahead."</font>

1274
01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:28,833
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1275
01:00:32,545 --> 01:00:36,007
<font color="#ffff00">Houston, sober me would have
internally celebrated the fact</font>

1276
01:00:36,090 --> 01:00:37,508
<font color="#ffff00">that I am not going to prison</font>

1277
01:00:37,592 --> 01:00:41,220
<font color="#ffff00">for sneaking a knife past
airport security and boarding a flight.</font>

1278
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,806
<font color="#ffff00">Drunk me</font>

1279
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:46,601
<font color="#ffff00">was offended.</font>

1280
01:00:47,143 --> 01:00:48,519
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1281
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:51,272
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, you can ask my buddy,
Ryan was right behind me.</font>

1282
01:00:51,939 --> 01:00:54,484
<font color="#ffff00">I looked at the security officer
and I said,</font>

1283
01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:55,568
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey!</font>

1284
01:00:56,235 --> 01:00:57,111
<font color="#ffff00">Hey!</font>

1285
01:00:57,654 --> 01:00:58,905
<font color="#ffff00">How do you know?</font>

1286
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:00,698
<font color="#ffff00">How do you know</font>

1287
01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:03,826
<font color="#ffff00">I'm not a terrorist?"</font>

1288
01:01:06,037 --> 01:01:07,955
<font color="#ffff00">And I can hear my friends in line.</font>

1289
01:01:08,456 --> 01:01:09,290
<font color="#ffff00">"Fuck!"</font>

1290
01:01:09,457 --> 01:01:11,084
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1291
01:01:17,548 --> 01:01:21,719
<font color="#ffff00">The security officer in uniform,
wearing a badge,</font>

1292
01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:26,349
<font color="#ffff00">looks at me and says, "Hey, when have
you ever seen a fat terrorist?"</font>

1293
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:28,476
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1294
01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:36,484
<font color="#ffff00">"Eh, look at him. He's crying.</font>

1295
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,195
<font color="#ffff00">I bet it tastes like gravy."</font>

1296
01:01:39,696 --> 01:01:41,155
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1297
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,370
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

1298
01:01:47,453 --> 01:01:49,414
<font color="#ffff00">-You guys, I gotta tell you--
-[man] We love you, Fluffy!</font>

1299
01:01:49,497 --> 01:01:50,415
<font color="#ffff00">What happened, bro?</font>

1300
01:01:50,957 --> 01:01:51,999
<font color="#ffff00">[man] We love you!</font>

1301
01:01:52,583 --> 01:01:53,793
<font color="#ffff00">Do you have a Lexus?</font>

1302
01:01:53,876 --> 01:01:55,044
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1303
01:01:55,712 --> 01:01:57,547
<font color="#ffff00">'Cause I'm not passing that up again.</font>

1304
01:01:57,630 --> 01:01:59,382
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1305
01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:01,718
<font color="#ffff00">[laughing] Sorry. I just--</font>

1306
01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:04,721
<font color="#ffff00">But thank you. [laughing]</font>

1307
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:09,642
<font color="#ffff00">Actually, I've had some pretty awesome
times over the last 20 years.</font>

1308
01:02:09,767 --> 01:02:11,519
<font color="#ffff00">And whenever I talk to fans,</font>

1309
01:02:11,769 --> 01:02:14,147
<font color="#ffff00">they have certain questions about my past,</font>

1310
01:02:14,230 --> 01:02:16,941
<font color="#ffff00">whether it's my family,
my upbringing, where my mom came from,</font>

1311
01:02:17,024 --> 01:02:18,359
<font color="#ffff00">where my dad came from...</font>

1312
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:19,736
<font color="#ffff00">Certain stories.</font>

1313
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:22,822
<font color="#ffff00">I love the fact that I had someone ask me
one time,</font>

1314
01:02:22,905 --> 01:02:25,658
<font color="#ffff00">"In your 20-plus years as a comedian,</font>

1315
01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:29,203
<font color="#ffff00">what has been your greatest moment?"</font>

1316
01:02:29,287 --> 01:02:33,583
<font color="#ffff00">My greatest moment wasn't even
something that happened at a show,</font>

1317
01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:37,879
<font color="#ffff00">but it was because of what I was able
to do for someone very special to me.</font>

1318
01:02:37,962 --> 01:02:40,923
<font color="#ffff00">My mom, who is no longer with us,</font>

1319
01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:42,425
<font color="#ffff00">she meant everything to me.</font>

1320
01:02:42,508 --> 01:02:46,262
<font color="#ffff00">She was my biggest supporter, even though
she would never laugh at my jokes.</font>

1321
01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:49,432
<font color="#ffff00">She would get mad at her friends
 that wouldn't laugh.</font>

1322
01:02:49,515 --> 01:02:51,642
<font color="#ffff00">-"¿Pendejo, por que no te ríes?"
-[laughter]</font>

1323
01:02:51,726 --> 01:02:53,269
<font color="#ffff00">How come you don't laugh?</font>

1324
01:02:54,854 --> 01:02:58,232
<font color="#ffff00">I did something really awesome for my mom
before she passed away.</font>

1325
01:02:58,649 --> 01:03:04,447
<font color="#ffff00">I took her to go see a man
by the name of Vicente Fernandez.</font>

1326
01:03:04,530 --> 01:03:06,949
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

1327
01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:08,075
<font color="#ffff00">In concert.</font>

1328
01:03:09,535 --> 01:03:13,664
<font color="#ffff00">now if you're not familiar
with who Vicente Fernandez is,</font>

1329
01:03:13,748 --> 01:03:17,293
<font color="#ffff00">he is basically Mexican Elvis.</font>

1330
01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:20,463
<font color="#ffff00">But he's still alive.</font>

1331
01:03:20,755 --> 01:03:22,423
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1332
01:03:23,007 --> 01:03:24,675
<font color="#ffff00">So a few years ago,</font>

1333
01:03:25,426 --> 01:03:29,972
<font color="#ffff00">Vicente Fernandez and myself were both
performing at the same venue,</font>

1334
01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:32,850
<font color="#ffff00">a venue called the Gibson Amphitheatre
in Los Angeles.</font>

1335
01:03:32,934 --> 01:03:34,227
<font color="#ffff00">It is no longer there.</font>

1336
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:37,396
<font color="#ffff00">A woman by the name
of Emily was running the building.</font>

1337
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:40,691
<font color="#ffff00">I was there the week before
Vicente Fernandez,</font>

1338
01:03:40,775 --> 01:03:44,028
<font color="#ffff00">and after three sold-out shows
she comes up to me and says,</font>

1339
01:03:44,111 --> 01:03:45,279
<font color="#ffff00">"Gabriel,</font>

1340
01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:48,616
<font color="#ffff00">thank you so much
for this incredible business.</font>

1341
01:03:48,699 --> 01:03:50,910
<font color="#ffff00">We're so happy
with how the shows turned out.</font>

1342
01:03:50,993 --> 01:03:52,245
<font color="#ffff00">I have a question for you.</font>

1343
01:03:53,037 --> 01:03:58,209
<font color="#ffff00">Is your mom a fan of Vicente Fernandez?"</font>

1344
01:03:58,793 --> 01:04:01,879
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Emily, my mom's Mexican.</font>

1345
01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:03,506
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1346
01:04:03,631 --> 01:04:04,799
<font color="#ffff00">It's the law."</font>

1347
01:04:05,299 --> 01:04:06,926
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1348
01:04:08,219 --> 01:04:09,303
<font color="#ffff00">"I thought so.</font>

1349
01:04:10,388 --> 01:04:11,264
<font color="#ffff00">Listen,</font>

1350
01:04:11,639 --> 01:04:15,101
<font color="#ffff00">Vicente Fernandez is going to be
performing here next week.</font>

1351
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:18,855
<font color="#ffff00">And I wanted to do something very special
for you to show my appreciation.</font>

1352
01:04:19,146 --> 01:04:22,149
<font color="#ffff00">Do you think you and your mom would like
to come see him perform</font>

1353
01:04:22,233 --> 01:04:24,235
<font color="#ffff00">and I'll get you front-row center?"</font>

1354
01:04:24,485 --> 01:04:26,863
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Emily, that sounds amazing.</font>

1355
01:04:27,154 --> 01:04:31,492
<font color="#ffff00">I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, but my
mom is old school, so I still got to ask.</font>

1356
01:04:32,827 --> 01:04:33,953
<font color="#ffff00">I'll call you."</font>

1357
01:04:34,203 --> 01:04:35,663
<font color="#ffff00">So I get to my mom's house,</font>

1358
01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:36,956
<font color="#ffff00">and I see her.</font>

1359
01:04:37,039 --> 01:04:39,166
<font color="#ffff00">"Mama." "Dime, mi hijo."</font>

1360
01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:42,670
<font color="#ffff00">Mi hijo in Spanish means "my son."</font>

1361
01:04:42,753 --> 01:04:45,548
<font color="#ffff00">So my mom would always tell me that,
my son, mi hijo. Mi hijo.</font>

1362
01:04:45,715 --> 01:04:47,258
<font color="#ffff00">"Dime, mi hijo." "Tell me, my son."</font>

1363
01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:48,467
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Mom,</font>

1364
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:50,553
<font color="#ffff00">would you like to go see</font>

1365
01:04:50,636 --> 01:04:53,264
<font color="#ffff00">Vicente Fernandez in concert?"</font>

1366
01:04:53,598 --> 01:04:55,099
<font color="#ffff00">And she looked at me and said,</font>

1367
01:04:55,182 --> 01:04:57,852
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi hijo, that sounds nice."</font>

1368
01:04:58,728 --> 01:05:00,479
<font color="#ffff00">That's exactly how she said it.</font>

1369
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:02,064
<font color="#ffff00">She was very even-keeled.</font>

1370
01:05:02,148 --> 01:05:03,900
<font color="#ffff00">She wouldn't show a lot of emotion.</font>

1371
01:05:03,983 --> 01:05:06,235
<font color="#ffff00">So I call Emily and I said my mom's in.</font>

1372
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:07,987
<font color="#ffff00">"Awesome. I'll see you next week."</font>

1373
01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,781
<font color="#ffff00">So we get to the venue and we're early,</font>

1374
01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:13,784
<font color="#ffff00">so they have us in this little VIP section</font>

1375
01:05:13,868 --> 01:05:16,746
<font color="#ffff00">where they're giving us free drinks
and free snacks,</font>

1376
01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:18,164
<font color="#ffff00">and my mom was so cute.</font>

1377
01:05:18,372 --> 01:05:20,207
<font color="#ffff00">She walks up to me and she says,</font>

1378
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:21,208
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi hijo,</font>

1379
01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:24,712
<font color="#ffff00">are the drinks free?"</font>

1380
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:29,717
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Mom, yeah, the drinks are free,
but don't worry about it."</font>

1381
01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:33,471
<font color="#ffff00">"No, no, no, mi hijo, I didn't bring
any money. I don't have no money."</font>

1382
01:05:33,554 --> 01:05:36,390
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Mom, you made an ATM.</font>

1383
01:05:37,934 --> 01:05:38,851
<font color="#ffff00">You're good."</font>

1384
01:05:38,935 --> 01:05:40,269
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1385
01:05:42,146 --> 01:05:44,732
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>

1386
01:05:49,987 --> 01:05:53,491
<font color="#ffff00">The messed up part is that
she didn't even like drinking.</font>

1387
01:05:53,824 --> 01:05:56,285
<font color="#ffff00">She just wanted to walk around
with a couple of drinks</font>

1388
01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:58,704
<font color="#ffff00">so she'd look like she was
part of the party.</font>

1389
01:05:59,080 --> 01:06:00,790
<font color="#ffff00">-[laughter]
-You know?</font>

1390
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:04,085
<font color="#ffff00">So she's got a couple drinks,
and as it was,</font>

1391
01:06:04,168 --> 01:06:06,629
<font color="#ffff00">when she'd walk around,
she'd have a little bit of a limp,</font>

1392
01:06:06,712 --> 01:06:10,132
<font color="#ffff00">because she had just had toe surgery
a couple months prior.</font>

1393
01:06:10,216 --> 01:06:13,177
<font color="#ffff00">So she had kind of like a little--
It looked like she was dancing.</font>

1394
01:06:13,260 --> 01:06:16,263
<font color="#ffff00">[vocalizing]</font>

1395
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:18,808
<font color="#ffff00">So she's walking around.
Here comes Emily.</font>

1396
01:06:19,225 --> 01:06:20,393
<font color="#ffff00">"Gabriel, you made it!"</font>

1397
01:06:20,476 --> 01:06:23,521
<font color="#ffff00">I go, "Yeah, this is my mom.
Emily, this is my mom, Esther.</font>

1398
01:06:23,604 --> 01:06:25,231
<font color="#ffff00">Mom, this is Emily."</font>

1399
01:06:25,606 --> 01:06:26,607
<font color="#ffff00">"They're free!"</font>

1400
01:06:27,316 --> 01:06:29,360
<font color="#ffff00">"She knows they're free.
She made this happen."</font>

1401
01:06:29,443 --> 01:06:31,988
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, thank you, thank you!
You're the one who hired mi hijo.</font>

1402
01:06:32,071 --> 01:06:33,739
<font color="#ffff00">Gracias. Thank you so much."</font>

1403
01:06:34,323 --> 01:06:36,242
<font color="#ffff00">Emily goes, "Can I talk to you
for a second?"</font>

1404
01:06:36,325 --> 01:06:37,827
<font color="#ffff00">"Sure. Mom, I'll be right back.</font>

1405
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,286
<font color="#ffff00">What's up, Emily?"</font>

1406
01:06:39,954 --> 01:06:40,871
<font color="#ffff00">"Gabriel,</font>

1407
01:06:41,831 --> 01:06:43,874
<font color="#ffff00">do you think your mom</font>

1408
01:06:44,417 --> 01:06:45,918
<font color="#ffff00">would you like to meet</font>

1409
01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:48,212
<font color="#ffff00">Vicente Fernandez</font>

1410
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:50,172
<font color="#ffff00">right now?"</font>

1411
01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:52,091
<font color="#ffff00">I said,</font>

1412
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:55,511
<font color="#ffff00">"Emily, let me tell you something...</font>

1413
01:06:55,594 --> 01:06:56,971
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1414
01:06:57,054 --> 01:06:59,473
<font color="#ffff00">...if she says no, I want to meet him.</font>

1415
01:06:59,974 --> 01:07:01,350
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1416
01:07:02,393 --> 01:07:03,436
<font color="#ffff00">I'll be right back."</font>

1417
01:07:05,604 --> 01:07:07,606
<font color="#ffff00">"Mamá." "Dime, mi hijo".</font>

1418
01:07:07,857 --> 01:07:13,237
<font color="#ffff00">Emily wants to know if you would like
to meet Vicente Fernandez right now.</font>

1419
01:07:14,822 --> 01:07:15,823
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi hijo,</font>

1420
01:07:16,615 --> 01:07:17,950
<font color="#ffff00">that sounds nice."</font>

1421
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:20,536
<font color="#ffff00">"Alright. Emily, she's in."</font>

1422
01:07:20,619 --> 01:07:23,205
<font color="#ffff00">Emily goes, "Is she even a fan?"</font>

1423
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:26,375
<font color="#ffff00">I go, "Trust me, that's her reaction.
She's good.</font>

1424
01:07:26,459 --> 01:07:30,171
<font color="#ffff00">She has the whole house covered with
Vicente Fernandez records and cassettes.</font>

1425
01:07:30,254 --> 01:07:31,172
<font color="#ffff00">Okay? We're good."</font>

1426
01:07:33,632 --> 01:07:34,925
<font color="#ffff00">So Emily comes back.</font>

1427
01:07:35,009 --> 01:07:38,888
<font color="#ffff00">And she puts the special VIP bracelets
on us with a little click,</font>

1428
01:07:39,221 --> 01:07:42,850
<font color="#ffff00">and she walks us through a door
into the backstage area.</font>

1429
01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:46,187
<font color="#ffff00">As soon as we went through the door,
I knew exactly where we were.</font>

1430
01:07:46,270 --> 01:07:47,855
<font color="#ffff00">I was just there a week ago.</font>

1431
01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:50,107
<font color="#ffff00">So I got my mom arm in arm,</font>

1432
01:07:50,191 --> 01:07:52,193
<font color="#ffff00">and we're walking down the hallway, okay?</font>

1433
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,569
<font color="#ffff00">Come on, Mama. Let's go.</font>

1434
01:07:53,652 --> 01:07:55,321
<font color="#ffff00">Let's go. We're walking down the hallway,</font>

1435
01:07:55,446 --> 01:07:57,573
<font color="#ffff00">and we're getting closer and closer</font>

1436
01:07:57,656 --> 01:07:59,742
<font color="#ffff00">to Vicente Fernandez's dressing room.</font>

1437
01:07:59,825 --> 01:08:01,827
<font color="#ffff00">The door is wide open,</font>

1438
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:05,289
<font color="#ffff00">and I can hear a commotion
coming out of the dressing room.</font>

1439
01:08:05,664 --> 01:08:09,126
<font color="#ffff00">[shrieking]</font>

1440
01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:12,129
<font color="#ffff00">And then a man and a woman exit the room</font>

1441
01:08:12,213 --> 01:08:14,840
<font color="#ffff00">and the man is holding on
to the woman's shoulders and he's like,</font>

1442
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:18,969
<font color="#ffff00">"It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay."</font>

1443
01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:21,263
<font color="#ffff00">And the woman looks destroyed.</font>

1444
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,515
<font color="#ffff00">Okay?</font>

1445
01:08:22,598 --> 01:08:24,975
<font color="#ffff00">[wailing]</font>

1446
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:27,478
<font color="#ffff00">Mascara is running down her face.</font>

1447
01:08:27,853 --> 01:08:30,022
<font color="#ffff00">My mom sees that and she's like,</font>

1448
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:32,817
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi hijo, did you see that?
Did you see the mascara...</font>

1449
01:08:32,900 --> 01:08:34,193
<font color="#ffff00">[shrieks]</font>

1450
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:37,113
<font color="#ffff00">With the mascara--
Parece puta la cabrona."</font>

1451
01:08:37,196 --> 01:08:38,823
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1452
01:08:42,076 --> 01:08:44,203
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry. Puta means "friendly."</font>

1453
01:08:44,286 --> 01:08:45,830
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1454
01:08:48,207 --> 01:08:49,875
<font color="#ffff00">So we get by the door,</font>

1455
01:08:51,418 --> 01:08:52,837
<font color="#ffff00">and the closer we get,</font>

1456
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:54,797
<font color="#ffff00">we start to see a guy in the room.</font>

1457
01:08:54,922 --> 01:08:56,382
<font color="#ffff00">Then he comes to the door.</font>

1458
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:59,176
<font color="#ffff00">In the room, there's three people, okay?</font>

1459
01:08:59,260 --> 01:09:00,719
<font color="#ffff00">There's Vicente Fernandez,</font>

1460
01:09:00,845 --> 01:09:03,472
<font color="#ffff00">the photographer and a handler.</font>

1461
01:09:03,681 --> 01:09:07,101
<font color="#ffff00">The handler comes to the door,
and you can tell by his voice</font>

1462
01:09:07,226 --> 01:09:10,771
<font color="#ffff00">that he works for like a Mexican radio
station, 'cause he's got that voice.</font>

1463
01:09:11,230 --> 01:09:13,774
<font color="#ffff00">"Hola! Hola!</font>

1464
01:09:14,316 --> 01:09:16,694
<font color="#ffff00">Pasale! Pasale!"</font>

1465
01:09:17,570 --> 01:09:19,780
<font color="#ffff00">Pasale in Spanish means "come on in."</font>

1466
01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:22,158
<font color="#ffff00">So we start to walk into the room.</font>

1467
01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:24,493
<font color="#ffff00">And let me tell you guys something,</font>

1468
01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:29,456
<font color="#ffff00">If you grew up listening
to Vicente Fernandez from a young age,</font>

1469
01:09:29,540 --> 01:09:32,918
<font color="#ffff00">and you get the opportunity to meet him,</font>

1470
01:09:33,043 --> 01:09:35,004
<font color="#ffff00">it is seriously</font>

1471
01:09:35,087 --> 01:09:37,715
<font color="#ffff00">a religious experience.</font>

1472
01:09:38,632 --> 01:09:40,634
<font color="#ffff00">My mom and I are entering the room,</font>

1473
01:09:40,718 --> 01:09:45,222
<font color="#ffff00">the only thing missing is the freaking...
[imitates cleric speaking Latin]</font>

1474
01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:46,473
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1475
01:09:46,557 --> 01:09:48,559
<font color="#ffff00">You don't look at him.
You look at the floor.</font>

1476
01:09:49,101 --> 01:09:51,520
<font color="#ffff00">Out of respect, you just look
at the floor. "Come on, Ma".</font>

1477
01:09:52,354 --> 01:09:55,065
<font color="#ffff00">We get all the way up to him
and I see boots.</font>

1478
01:09:55,733 --> 01:09:58,944
<font color="#ffff00">And when I see the boots,
my mom and I both just...</font>

1479
01:10:00,905 --> 01:10:02,531
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1480
01:10:03,657 --> 01:10:05,492
<font color="#ffff00">He knows what you're doing.</font>

1481
01:10:05,576 --> 01:10:07,244
<font color="#ffff00">He knows you're checking him out.</font>

1482
01:10:07,328 --> 01:10:09,747
<font color="#ffff00">So what he does is he poses, okay?</font>

1483
01:10:09,830 --> 01:10:11,665
<font color="#ffff00">Vicente stands there and he poses.</font>

1484
01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:14,543
<font color="#ffff00">He'll have the sombrero, the hat,
to his side.</font>

1485
01:10:15,002 --> 01:10:17,421
<font color="#ffff00">And then, he doesn't look at you.
He looks away.</font>

1486
01:10:18,297 --> 01:10:19,465
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1487
01:10:19,548 --> 01:10:21,383
<font color="#ffff00">And he sticks his chest out</font>

1488
01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:25,763
<font color="#ffff00">and he stands there looking like
a big-ass bottle of Tapatio at Costco.</font>

1489
01:10:25,846 --> 01:10:27,473
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1490
01:10:29,141 --> 01:10:31,143
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

1491
01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,271
<font color="#ffff00">And then he looked at me.</font>

1492
01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:35,356
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics whooshing]</font>

1493
01:10:35,814 --> 01:10:37,149
<font color="#ffff00">And he recognized me.</font>

1494
01:10:37,233 --> 01:10:40,277
<font color="#ffff00">not as a comedian,
but because I was there the week before</font>

1495
01:10:40,361 --> 01:10:42,571
<font color="#ffff00">and my photo was hanging outside his door.</font>

1496
01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:45,407
<font color="#ffff00">It was whoever is there last,
they always rotate the photo.</font>

1497
01:10:45,491 --> 01:10:47,034
<font color="#ffff00">So he sees me and he's like,</font>

1498
01:10:47,243 --> 01:10:50,204
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi hijo, tu eres el muchacho
que esta en la foto ahí afuera."</font>

1499
01:10:50,329 --> 01:10:52,331
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, that's me outside, yeah.</font>

1500
01:10:53,749 --> 01:10:54,792
<font color="#ffff00">Hola!"</font>

1501
01:10:54,875 --> 01:10:56,502
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1502
01:10:58,963 --> 01:11:01,882
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh. Vicente, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.</font>

1503
01:11:03,050 --> 01:11:04,593
<font color="#ffff00">Le presento...</font>

1504
01:11:05,886 --> 01:11:07,721
<font color="#ffff00">mi mamá!"</font>

1505
01:11:08,013 --> 01:11:09,556
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1506
01:11:10,182 --> 01:11:11,308
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Oh, my God.</font>

1507
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:14,019
<font color="#ffff00">I think I just offered up my mom
to Vicente Fernandez."</font>

1508
01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:15,104
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1509
01:11:15,187 --> 01:11:17,815
<font color="#ffff00">She's like 73.
"Better late than never, Mom, get him!"</font>

1510
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:23,487
<font color="#ffff00">My mom starts walking up</font>

1511
01:11:24,238 --> 01:11:27,533
<font color="#ffff00">to, Vicente. He was so nice.</font>

1512
01:11:27,616 --> 01:11:30,536
<font color="#ffff00">He goes out to shake my mom's hand</font>

1513
01:11:30,661 --> 01:11:32,913
<font color="#ffff00">and my mom grabs his hand.</font>

1514
01:11:32,997 --> 01:11:36,375
<font color="#ffff00">And I don't know where
she got this strength</font>

1515
01:11:36,667 --> 01:11:39,295
<font color="#ffff00">and energy from, but she grabbed him</font>

1516
01:11:39,378 --> 01:11:40,796
<font color="#ffff00">and pulled him in.</font>

1517
01:11:41,380 --> 01:11:43,048
<font color="#ffff00">Hard, like the video game.</font>

1518
01:11:43,132 --> 01:11:44,341
<font color="#ffff00">"Get over here!"</font>

1519
01:11:44,842 --> 01:11:46,010
<font color="#ffff00">And then hooked him.</font>

1520
01:11:46,093 --> 01:11:49,096
<font color="#ffff00">She hooked him and she starts screaming
into his chest.</font>

1521
01:11:49,179 --> 01:11:52,308
<font color="#ffff00">"Mi Chente!"</font>

1522
01:11:52,391 --> 01:11:54,727
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like, "Oh, my God.
She's getting horny."</font>

1523
01:11:54,810 --> 01:11:56,562
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1524
01:12:00,232 --> 01:12:02,026
<font color="#ffff00">And he knew, too!</font>

1525
01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,028
<font color="#ffff00">'Cause he was like,</font>

1526
01:12:04,111 --> 01:12:07,239
<font color="#ffff00">"Quitamela! Quitamela!"</font>

1527
01:12:08,532 --> 01:12:11,201
<font color="#ffff00">The photographer, the handler and me.</font>

1528
01:12:11,285 --> 01:12:14,663
<font color="#ffff00">The three of us is what it took
to pull her off of Vicente.</font>

1529
01:12:15,331 --> 01:12:17,708
<font color="#ffff00">We sit her down, she's bawling.</font>

1530
01:12:17,791 --> 01:12:19,543
<font color="#ffff00">[wailing]</font>

1531
01:12:20,085 --> 01:12:22,713
<font color="#ffff00">Mascara is running down her face.</font>

1532
01:12:22,796 --> 01:12:24,423
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1533
01:12:24,798 --> 01:12:26,967
<font color="#ffff00">The photographer shaking his head.</font>

1534
01:12:29,219 --> 01:12:32,222
<font color="#ffff00">I guess Vicente had dinner
earlier that night.</font>

1535
01:12:32,306 --> 01:12:34,475
<font color="#ffff00">He was eating barbecue,
'cause they had those wet naps.</font>

1536
01:12:34,558 --> 01:12:35,684
<font color="#ffff00">Barbecue wet naps.</font>

1537
01:12:35,768 --> 01:12:37,144
<font color="#ffff00">And so we take the wet naps</font>

1538
01:12:37,227 --> 01:12:40,439
<font color="#ffff00">and we start cleaning the mascara
off my mom's face.</font>

1539
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,066
<font color="#ffff00">We stand her up.</font>

1540
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,194
<font color="#ffff00">We posed her and we took the picture.</font>

1541
01:12:45,652 --> 01:12:47,029
<font color="#ffff00">Emily comes over</font>

1542
01:12:47,112 --> 01:12:51,492
<font color="#ffff00">and she takes us and she escorts us
to our seats in the front.</font>

1543
01:12:52,117 --> 01:12:54,411
<font color="#ffff00">And for three hours...</font>

1544
01:12:54,828 --> 01:12:58,582
<font color="#ffff00">for three hours, my mom was on her feet</font>

1545
01:12:59,124 --> 01:13:01,293
<font color="#ffff00">listening to him
and she refused to sit down.</font>

1546
01:13:01,377 --> 01:13:03,879
<font color="#ffff00">"Mom, you should sit down--"
"No, ¿cómo qué? És el Chente."</font>

1547
01:13:05,005 --> 01:13:07,800
<font color="#ffff00">Holding a shot of tequila
that she never drank.</font>

1548
01:13:07,883 --> 01:13:08,967
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1549
01:13:09,051 --> 01:13:10,219
<font color="#ffff00">She just-- She was--</font>

1550
01:13:10,969 --> 01:13:12,054
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1551
01:13:12,137 --> 01:13:15,974
<font color="#ffff00">Three hours on her feet.
Never once sat down.</font>

1552
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:18,310
<font color="#ffff00">That's how powerful his music was.</font>

1553
01:13:19,269 --> 01:13:21,146
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

1554
01:13:21,230 --> 01:13:24,691
<font color="#ffff00">My mom felt no pain for that entire time.</font>

1555
01:13:26,527 --> 01:13:29,363
<font color="#ffff00">And the minute
that freaking concert was over,</font>

1556
01:13:29,446 --> 01:13:32,366
<font color="#ffff00">"Tan-taran, tan-tan."</font>

1557
01:13:32,991 --> 01:13:34,159
<font color="#ffff00">"My feet!</font>

1558
01:13:34,701 --> 01:13:36,703
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, my God, mi hijo, mis pies.</font>

1559
01:13:37,079 --> 01:13:38,622
<font color="#ffff00">Ay, pinche callo.</font>

1560
01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:40,874
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, my God, my feet! Ay!"</font>

1561
01:13:40,958 --> 01:13:44,336
<font color="#ffff00">And I'm like, "Oh, great."
So now I gotta drag this living novela</font>

1562
01:13:45,003 --> 01:13:46,422
<font color="#ffff00">to the parking lot.</font>

1563
01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:49,258
<font color="#ffff00">I helped her into the car.</font>

1564
01:13:49,341 --> 01:13:50,968
<font color="#ffff00">"My feet!" "I told you to sit down."</font>

1565
01:13:51,051 --> 01:13:52,302
<font color="#ffff00">"You don't sit for Chente."</font>

1566
01:13:54,138 --> 01:13:55,431
<font color="#ffff00">Here comes Emily.</font>

1567
01:13:55,722 --> 01:13:57,015
<font color="#ffff00">"Did you guys have a good time?"</font>

1568
01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:59,893
<font color="#ffff00">I go, "Emily, we had the greatest time.</font>

1569
01:13:59,977 --> 01:14:01,061
<font color="#ffff00">Thank you so much."</font>

1570
01:14:01,145 --> 01:14:02,604
<font color="#ffff00">"I got something for you."</font>

1571
01:14:02,688 --> 01:14:03,522
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, what's that?</font>

1572
01:14:03,605 --> 01:14:05,941
<font color="#ffff00">And she hands me an envelope
and I open it,</font>

1573
01:14:06,233 --> 01:14:09,069
<font color="#ffff00">and inside the envelope is the picture.</font>

1574
01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:10,904
<font color="#ffff00">She printed it out for me,</font>

1575
01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:15,617
<font color="#ffff00">and when I looked at it I got so choked up
because I have never</font>

1576
01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:19,204
<font color="#ffff00">seen my mom so happy in a picture.</font>

1577
01:14:19,455 --> 01:14:20,914
<font color="#ffff00">And it's not that she wouldn't smile.</font>

1578
01:14:20,998 --> 01:14:23,250
<font color="#ffff00">She would smile, but it was that
"one, two, three, cheese."</font>

1579
01:14:24,418 --> 01:14:25,961
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1580
01:14:32,593 --> 01:14:34,386
<font color="#ffff00">But this one was like...</font>

1581
01:14:35,471 --> 01:14:37,473
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1582
01:14:38,432 --> 01:14:44,062
<font color="#ffff00">And what makes it extra special is that
it's the last photo I have of my mom</font>

1583
01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:45,731
<font color="#ffff00">and she was the happiest.</font>

1584
01:14:45,814 --> 01:14:48,650
<font color="#ffff00">And I know that that moment wouldn't
be possible</font>

1585
01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,903
<font color="#ffff00">if I did not do this for a living.</font>

1586
01:14:50,986 --> 01:14:52,779
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

1587
01:14:57,993 --> 01:14:59,536
<font color="#ffff00">So thank you for that.</font>

1588
01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:03,832
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry, now a lot of people are like,
"We came to laugh..."</font>

1589
01:15:03,916 --> 01:15:07,503
<font color="#ffff00">-[mumbling indistinctly in Spanish]
-[laughter]</font>

1590
01:15:09,379 --> 01:15:11,256
<font color="#ffff00">Houston, I got to share this story.</font>

1591
01:15:11,840 --> 01:15:13,217
<font color="#ffff00">Twenty years ago,</font>

1592
01:15:13,300 --> 01:15:16,929
<font color="#ffff00">when I started doing this, okay,
the fact that we're here tonight</font>

1593
01:15:17,054 --> 01:15:21,266
<font color="#ffff00">in an arena doing a comedy special
is huge, but everything...</font>

1594
01:15:21,350 --> 01:15:23,143
<font color="#ffff00">Everything has a beginning.</font>

1595
01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:25,979
<font color="#ffff00">The fact that I can travel
and I meet so many people,</font>

1596
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:29,566
<font color="#ffff00">"we are your fans," "we are your fans,"
and social media shows over 10 million,</font>

1597
01:15:30,192 --> 01:15:32,027
<font color="#ffff00">everything comes from somewhere.</font>

1598
01:15:32,653 --> 01:15:34,488
<font color="#ffff00">And the fact that tonight</font>

1599
01:15:35,155 --> 01:15:37,407
<font color="#ffff00">I have in the audience</font>

1600
01:15:37,616 --> 01:15:41,078
<font color="#ffff00">my first two fans</font>

1601
01:15:41,161 --> 01:15:43,372
<font color="#ffff00">that ever came out to see
one of my shows,</font>

1602
01:15:43,580 --> 01:15:46,416
<font color="#ffff00">I flew them out from Los Angeles
to be here tonight.</font>

1603
01:15:46,667 --> 01:15:49,628
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

1604
01:15:55,050 --> 01:15:56,552
<font color="#ffff00">Monica, Tony, where you guys at?</font>

1605
01:15:57,678 --> 01:15:59,555
<font color="#ffff00">There you are. Ladies and gentlemen...</font>

1606
01:15:59,638 --> 01:16:01,014
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

1607
01:16:01,098 --> 01:16:02,683
<font color="#ffff00">...Monica and Tony Sanchez.</font>

1608
01:16:04,601 --> 01:16:08,772
<font color="#ffff00">When I say they were my first fans,
they were my first, they would come out...</font>

1609
01:16:09,314 --> 01:16:11,358
<font color="#ffff00">I used to perform in her garage.</font>

1610
01:16:12,651 --> 01:16:15,237
<font color="#ffff00">And she'll tell you. Oh, yeah.
Right next to the Ford.</font>

1611
01:16:15,362 --> 01:16:16,738
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1612
01:16:16,822 --> 01:16:18,198
<font color="#ffff00">They were the first ones.</font>

1613
01:16:18,282 --> 01:16:21,076
<font color="#ffff00">They were the first ones
to come see me perform</font>

1614
01:16:21,159 --> 01:16:25,080
<font color="#ffff00">at a little dive-- hole-in-the-wall
inside of a casino in California.</font>

1615
01:16:25,247 --> 01:16:26,290
<font color="#ffff00">And, um...</font>

1616
01:16:26,582 --> 01:16:29,668
<font color="#ffff00">You know, to have met these people</font>

1617
01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:31,753
<font color="#ffff00">so many years ago and they'd come out,</font>

1618
01:16:31,837 --> 01:16:35,340
<font color="#ffff00">she would tell me with her husband, "You
were so funny, we'll be back next week."</font>

1619
01:16:35,424 --> 01:16:37,676
<font color="#ffff00">I'm like,
"But it's the same 5-minute show."</font>

1620
01:16:38,468 --> 01:16:40,887
<font color="#ffff00">She goes, "You're funny,
we'll bring more people.</font>

1621
01:16:40,971 --> 01:16:42,389
<font color="#ffff00">We'll bring more people.</font>

1622
01:16:42,514 --> 01:16:44,683
<font color="#ffff00">She was my first fan club.</font>

1623
01:16:44,766 --> 01:16:47,311
<font color="#ffff00">She would get friends
and bring them out to the show.</font>

1624
01:16:47,394 --> 01:16:49,771
<font color="#ffff00">[applause]</font>

1625
01:16:54,026 --> 01:16:56,612
<font color="#ffff00">And she has pictures of me
in that garage.</font>

1626
01:16:56,945 --> 01:16:59,323
<font color="#ffff00">I wish you wouldn't put them online,
but you do.</font>

1627
01:16:59,406 --> 01:17:01,116
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1628
01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:06,038
<font color="#ffff00">But I just wanted to say thank you, guys,
and I'm glad you could be here tonight.</font>

1629
01:17:10,584 --> 01:17:14,338
<font color="#ffff00">Twenty years doing this,
so I think it's only right that tonight</font>

1630
01:17:14,421 --> 01:17:18,925
<font color="#ffff00">we close this show the way
that the first one began.</font>

1631
01:17:19,217 --> 01:17:21,094
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>

1632
01:17:22,929 --> 01:17:24,431
<font color="#ffff00">I get pulled over one night</font>

1633
01:17:24,514 --> 01:17:27,434
<font color="#ffff00">two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru.</font>

1634
01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:31,647
<font color="#ffff00">You better still laugh, Houston!</font>

1635
01:17:33,940 --> 01:17:36,360
<font color="#ffff00">I made a left turn instead of making
a right turn</font>

1636
01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:38,570
<font color="#ffff00">but I wasn't paying attention
'cause I had a box, right?</font>

1637
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:41,740
<font color="#ffff00">I was like, "You're going to get it
when you get home, you've been so bad!</font>

1638
01:17:41,823 --> 01:17:44,284
<font color="#ffff00">So bad! [screams] Gonna get it!"</font>

1639
01:17:44,951 --> 01:17:46,870
<font color="#ffff00">I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way.</font>

1640
01:17:46,953 --> 01:17:48,372
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics car turning]</font>

1641
01:17:48,455 --> 01:17:51,166
<font color="#ffff00">Sure enough... [mimics siren chirping]
Oh!</font>

1642
01:17:51,249 --> 01:17:53,418
<font color="#ffff00">[tires screech]</font>

1643
01:17:53,543 --> 01:17:54,378
<font color="#ffff00">Later.</font>

1644
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:57,631
<font color="#ffff00">[mumbling]</font>

1645
01:17:58,173 --> 01:17:59,800
<font color="#ffff00">The officer is taking forever.</font>

1646
01:17:59,883 --> 01:18:01,927
<font color="#ffff00">I said, "Forget this,
he's taking too long."</font>

1647
01:18:02,010 --> 01:18:04,262
<font color="#ffff00">I grab my box, I put it on my lap.</font>

1648
01:18:04,346 --> 01:18:05,430
<font color="#ffff00">I flipped it open.</font>

1649
01:18:05,514 --> 01:18:07,849
<font color="#ffff00">Hmm! [laughs]</font>

1650
01:18:07,933 --> 01:18:10,310
<font color="#ffff00">Hmm... [shrieks]</font>

1651
01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:15,190
<font color="#ffff00">And just as I was about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window.</font>

1652
01:18:15,273 --> 01:18:17,567
<font color="#ffff00">"You know why I stopped you?"
It was too easy.</font>

1653
01:18:17,651 --> 01:18:20,987
<font color="#ffff00">-I said, "'Cause you could smell it!"
-[crowd] ...could smell it!</font>

1654
01:18:21,071 --> 01:18:23,281
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

1655
01:18:28,912 --> 01:18:29,996
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going!</font>

1656
01:18:30,080 --> 01:18:31,456
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd exclaims]</font>

1657
01:18:32,791 --> 01:18:35,544
<font color="#ffff00">-Houston, keep going!
-[crowd] Yeah!</font>

1658
01:18:40,048 --> 01:18:42,300
<font color="#ffff00">I should have started the show
like this, okay?</font>

1659
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:47,431
<font color="#ffff00">Um, I bought a Volkswagen Beetle
about seven years ago.</font>

1660
01:18:47,514 --> 01:18:49,433
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering]</font>

1661
01:18:49,516 --> 01:18:51,977
<font color="#ffff00">And when you buy a new car,
you want to show it off,</font>

1662
01:18:52,060 --> 01:18:54,104
<font color="#ffff00">whether it's brand new
or just new to you.</font>

1663
01:18:54,187 --> 01:18:56,815
<font color="#ffff00">So I take my car
to my friend Martin's house.</font>

1664
01:18:56,898 --> 01:18:58,191
<font color="#ffff00">You've seen Martin.</font>

1665
01:18:59,317 --> 01:19:01,695
<font color="#ffff00">Very real. I pull up.</font>

1666
01:19:01,903 --> 01:19:04,364
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics tires screeching]</font>

1667
01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:05,907
<font color="#ffff00">I yell out the window,</font>

1668
01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:09,327
<font color="#ffff00">-Mar--
-[crowd, in unison] Martin!</font>

1669
01:19:10,829 --> 01:19:14,207
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>

1670
01:19:14,291 --> 01:19:16,251
<font color="#ffff00">[whooping]</font>

1671
01:19:19,421 --> 01:19:20,714
<font color="#ffff00">You don't need me anymore.</font>

1672
01:19:20,797 --> 01:19:22,215
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1673
01:19:25,886 --> 01:19:28,764
<font color="#ffff00">That's freaking awesome!
Thank you. Love you, too.</font>

1674
01:19:32,684 --> 01:19:34,728
<font color="#ffff00">Hold on, hold on. I forgot the joke.
Hold on.</font>

1675
01:19:34,811 --> 01:19:36,396
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1676
01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:39,691
<font color="#ffff00">I know how it starts
and I know how it ends.</font>

1677
01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:41,777
<font color="#ffff00">I'm just not used to starting
from the middle.</font>

1678
01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:42,944
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1679
01:19:43,028 --> 01:19:44,780
<font color="#ffff00">That's what she said. No, just--</font>

1680
01:19:44,863 --> 01:19:46,239
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1681
01:19:46,406 --> 01:19:48,575
<font color="#ffff00">Stop. You deserve better than that. Um...</font>

1682
01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:50,410
<font color="#ffff00">Martin...</font>

1683
01:19:51,119 --> 01:19:52,454
<font color="#ffff00">lives in a bad neighborhood.</font>

1684
01:19:52,537 --> 01:19:54,122
<font color="#ffff00">I don't get out of the car.</font>

1685
01:19:54,206 --> 01:19:57,209
<font color="#ffff00">Across the street from his house
live these gang members,</font>

1686
01:19:57,292 --> 01:20:00,086
<font color="#ffff00">the kind of gang members
who don't really hurt anybody.</font>

1687
01:20:00,170 --> 01:20:02,589
<font color="#ffff00">They just talk a lot of trash
and watch Frozen.</font>

1688
01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:04,049
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1689
01:20:04,132 --> 01:20:05,634
<font color="#ffff00">And I pull up in a Beetle.</font>

1690
01:20:05,717 --> 01:20:07,844
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics tires screeching]</font>

1691
01:20:08,762 --> 01:20:10,931
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Martin!</font>

1692
01:20:11,223 --> 01:20:13,308
<font color="#ffff00">Across the street, I hear...</font>

1693
01:20:13,475 --> 01:20:15,811
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Órale!</font>

1694
01:20:19,564 --> 01:20:22,317
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

1695
01:20:28,323 --> 01:20:29,825
<font color="#ffff00">Let me finish!</font>

1696
01:20:29,908 --> 01:20:31,243
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1697
01:20:32,202 --> 01:20:34,454
<font color="#ffff00">-Someone said, "That's what she said."
-[laughter]</font>

1698
01:20:36,790 --> 01:20:38,375
<font color="#ffff00">[Fluffy laughs]</font>

1699
01:20:39,668 --> 01:20:42,712
<font color="#ffff00">Hey, hey. [clicks tongue] Ah!</font>

1700
01:20:44,339 --> 01:20:45,298
<font color="#ffff00">I turn around.</font>

1701
01:20:45,382 --> 01:20:47,050
<font color="#ffff00">"Hey, what's up, you guys?
How's it going?"</font>

1702
01:20:47,133 --> 01:20:48,677
<font color="#ffff00">"How did you get in there, ese?"</font>

1703
01:20:49,177 --> 01:20:50,679
<font color="#ffff00">"Hurry up, Martin!"</font>

1704
01:20:50,971 --> 01:20:53,849
<font color="#ffff00">A couple of months go by.
I fix up the car.</font>

1705
01:20:53,932 --> 01:20:56,184
<font color="#ffff00">I put racing rims on it, some stickers.</font>

1706
01:20:56,268 --> 01:20:58,895
<font color="#ffff00">I put little chip in the motor
to make it go faster.</font>

1707
01:20:59,604 --> 01:21:01,815
<font color="#ffff00">Two hundred and fifty horsepower</font>

1708
01:21:01,898 --> 01:21:03,400
<font color="#ffff00">Volkswagen Beetle.</font>

1709
01:21:03,483 --> 01:21:04,776
<font color="#ffff00">The car is bad.</font>

1710
01:21:04,985 --> 01:21:05,861
<font color="#ffff00">I pull up.</font>

1711
01:21:05,944 --> 01:21:08,738
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics driving, tires screeching]</font>

1712
01:21:08,822 --> 01:21:11,241
<font color="#ffff00">[engine revving]</font>

1713
01:21:11,867 --> 01:21:14,619
<font color="#ffff00">-[horn honking]
-[laughter]</font>

1714
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,497
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Martin!</font>

1715
01:21:18,498 --> 01:21:20,834
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Órale!</font>

1716
01:21:23,753 --> 01:21:25,255
<font color="#ffff00">Some of you are drunk.</font>

1717
01:21:25,463 --> 01:21:27,340
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1718
01:21:28,049 --> 01:21:29,551
<font color="#ffff00">This is what I just heard. I heard...</font>

1719
01:21:29,634 --> 01:21:31,386
<font color="#ffff00">"Órale!"</font>

1720
01:21:32,220 --> 01:21:34,222
<font color="#ffff00">"Le!"</font>

1721
01:21:35,640 --> 01:21:36,600
<font color="#ffff00">Keep up!</font>

1722
01:21:37,434 --> 01:21:39,561
<font color="#ffff00">I know it's Mexicans too.
I hear the accent.</font>

1723
01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:44,941
<font color="#ffff00">I hear that-- [mumbles indistinctly
mocking Mexican accent]</font>

1724
01:21:45,025 --> 01:21:48,028
<font color="#ffff00">Even the white people are like,
"Hello! It's odalay."</font>

1725
01:21:48,111 --> 01:21:49,446
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1726
01:21:49,779 --> 01:21:50,822
<font color="#ffff00">"Get it together."</font>

1727
01:21:52,365 --> 01:21:53,450
<font color="#ffff00">Keep up!</font>

1728
01:21:54,159 --> 01:21:55,994
<font color="#ffff00">-Eh.
-[crowd] Eh.</font>

1729
01:21:56,077 --> 01:21:57,829
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Eh.</font>

1730
01:21:58,747 --> 01:22:00,874
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Yoo-hoo!</font>

1731
01:22:01,458 --> 01:22:02,459
<font color="#ffff00">"What?"</font>

1732
01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:07,088
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] "Check it out, eh,
it's the Fat and the Furious!"</font>

1733
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:08,965
<font color="#ffff00">I heard you, Houston!</font>

1734
01:22:09,507 --> 01:22:11,801
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering and applause]</font>

1735
01:22:17,140 --> 01:22:20,560
<font color="#ffff00">I heard you. You guys were saying the joke
with me like it was a song.</font>

1736
01:22:21,311 --> 01:22:23,605
<font color="#ffff00">Like it was the Mexican version
of Freebird.</font>

1737
01:22:24,147 --> 01:22:25,190
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1738
01:22:25,273 --> 01:22:26,483
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going!</font>

1739
01:22:26,566 --> 01:22:27,859
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd roars]</font>

1740
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:28,985
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going!</font>

1741
01:22:29,069 --> 01:22:31,071
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd roars]</font>

1742
01:22:32,739 --> 01:22:33,740
<font color="#ffff00">Chills.</font>

1743
01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,661
<font color="#ffff00">My son Frankie,</font>

1744
01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:41,831
<font color="#ffff00">when he graduated from high school,</font>

1745
01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:45,961
<font color="#ffff00">I was very, very proud of him
and I was very excited.</font>

1746
01:22:46,127 --> 01:22:47,087
<font color="#ffff00">And, uh...</font>

1747
01:22:47,629 --> 01:22:49,172
<font color="#ffff00">For me, it was very emotional,</font>

1748
01:22:49,255 --> 01:22:53,385
<font color="#ffff00">because I was the one that got to take him
to school on that last day,</font>

1749
01:22:53,885 --> 01:22:58,056
<font color="#ffff00">and it meant a lot,
because you know what? [laughs]</font>

1750
01:22:58,139 --> 01:22:59,975
<font color="#ffff00">I was allowed to leave him</font>

1751
01:23:00,684 --> 01:23:02,268
<font color="#ffff00">anywhere I wanted to.</font>

1752
01:23:03,436 --> 01:23:05,939
<font color="#ffff00">I can leave him in the front.
I can leave him on the side.</font>

1753
01:23:06,022 --> 01:23:08,358
<font color="#ffff00">I can put him in the back.
I can make him walk.</font>

1754
01:23:08,942 --> 01:23:10,986
<font color="#ffff00">That wasn't the case many years ago,</font>

1755
01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:13,738
<font color="#ffff00">when I was taking him
to elementary school.</font>

1756
01:23:14,322 --> 01:23:18,827
<font color="#ffff00">And they had a designated drop-off area
on the side of the school,</font>

1757
01:23:18,910 --> 01:23:21,246
<font color="#ffff00">where they had cones
in the middle of the street.</font>

1758
01:23:21,329 --> 01:23:24,708
<font color="#ffff00">They had a supervisor there
with a walkie-talkie and a whistle</font>

1759
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:28,211
<font color="#ffff00">to make sure that your kids
would get out of the car safely</font>

1760
01:23:28,294 --> 01:23:29,796
<font color="#ffff00">and onto the school grounds.</font>

1761
01:23:30,505 --> 01:23:34,050
<font color="#ffff00">One day we're late because the night
before I had a big show like this one.</font>

1762
01:23:34,134 --> 01:23:36,261
<font color="#ffff00">And people brought me chocolate cakes.</font>

1763
01:23:37,721 --> 01:23:42,017
<font color="#ffff00">And I took the cakes home
and my son killed one of the cakes.</font>

1764
01:23:42,392 --> 01:23:43,977
<font color="#ffff00">And the next day, the cake...</font>

1765
01:23:44,060 --> 01:23:45,562
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics stomach rumbling]</font>

1766
01:23:45,937 --> 01:23:47,105
<font color="#ffff00">...killed Frankie.</font>

1767
01:23:47,188 --> 01:23:48,314
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1768
01:23:48,398 --> 01:23:49,649
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, it was bad.</font>

1769
01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:51,234
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics high-pitched fart]</font>

1770
01:23:52,360 --> 01:23:54,362
<font color="#ffff00">Chorro!</font>

1771
01:23:55,321 --> 01:23:56,781
<font color="#ffff00">Chocomilk!</font>

1772
01:23:57,949 --> 01:24:00,368
<font color="#ffff00">For the non-Mexicans: Yoo-hoo!</font>

1773
01:24:00,660 --> 01:24:02,120
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1774
01:24:02,203 --> 01:24:05,498
<font color="#ffff00">For the non-Mexicans with money:
Nestle Quik!</font>

1775
01:24:05,582 --> 01:24:07,417
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1776
01:24:08,460 --> 01:24:09,335
<font color="#ffff00">Same joke.</font>

1777
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:12,630
<font color="#ffff00">We get to the school.</font>

1778
01:24:13,131 --> 01:24:15,925
<font color="#ffff00">There's no longer supervisor,
no walkie-talkie, no whistle,</font>

1779
01:24:16,009 --> 01:24:18,845
<font color="#ffff00">the gate's locked.
I said, "I'm not leaving my kid here."</font>

1780
01:24:18,928 --> 01:24:20,638
<font color="#ffff00">I'm going to drop him off in front.</font>

1781
01:24:20,722 --> 01:24:24,309
<font color="#ffff00">And I guess I wasn't supposed to do that
and I didn't know, and at the time,</font>

1782
01:24:24,476 --> 01:24:25,894
<font color="#ffff00">I didn't really care.</font>

1783
01:24:25,977 --> 01:24:27,103
<font color="#ffff00">We pull up.</font>

1784
01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:29,272
<font color="#ffff00">[mimics car driving, tires screeching]</font>

1785
01:24:29,355 --> 01:24:30,190
<font color="#ffff00">"Go."</font>

1786
01:24:30,648 --> 01:24:32,609
<font color="#ffff00">"I'm not supposed to get off here."</font>

1787
01:24:32,817 --> 01:24:34,652
<font color="#ffff00">"You're late. Go." [groans]</font>

1788
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:35,904
<font color="#ffff00">And he cracks the door.</font>

1789
01:24:36,029 --> 01:24:37,864
<font color="#ffff00">And as soon as his foot hits the curb,</font>

1790
01:24:37,947 --> 01:24:39,449
<font color="#ffff00">here comes the principal.</font>

1791
01:24:39,532 --> 01:24:42,202
<font color="#ffff00">And I know who it is,
'cause he's freaking out, right?</font>

1792
01:24:42,285 --> 01:24:44,120
<font color="#ffff00">He's like...
[whispering] "It's the principal!"</font>

1793
01:24:44,287 --> 01:24:47,040
<font color="#ffff00">"Dude, relax.
I'm 32, I don't give a damn!"</font>

1794
01:24:47,165 --> 01:24:48,583
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter]</font>

1795
01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:51,628
<font color="#ffff00">Here comes the principal
and she's doing this one.</font>

1796
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:53,922
<font color="#ffff00">[high-pitched voice] "Sir! Sir!</font>

1797
01:24:54,047 --> 01:24:58,218
<font color="#ffff00">Sir, this is not
the designated drop-off area.</font>

1798
01:24:58,301 --> 01:25:01,846
<font color="#ffff00">Please take your child to the other side
of the school.</font>

1799
01:25:01,971 --> 01:25:04,057
<font color="#ffff00">You cannot leave him here."</font>

1800
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:07,352
<font color="#ffff00">I was like, "Watch this."</font>

1801
01:25:08,770 --> 01:25:10,271
<font color="#ffff00">Señora, no sé lo que esta diciendo.</font>

1802
01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:12,857
<font color="#ffff00">Aqui estoy dejando a mi hijo.
El no se levantó a la mañana.</font>

1803
01:25:13,024 --> 01:25:14,567
<font color="#ffff00">It's not my fault. Yo no sé.</font>

1804
01:25:14,734 --> 01:25:17,445
<font color="#ffff00">"That's how you do it, homeboy.
That's how you do it."</font>

1805
01:25:18,029 --> 01:25:20,949
<font color="#ffff00">That principal was awesome
because she was like,</font>

1806
01:25:21,449 --> 01:25:26,287
<font color="#ffff00">[American accent]
Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui.</font>

1807
01:25:26,412 --> 01:25:27,330
<font color="#ffff00">Okay?</font>

1808
01:25:27,705 --> 01:25:30,708
<font color="#ffff00">[American accent] Saca la vuelta</font>

1809
01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:34,587
<font color="#ffff00">al otro lado de la escuela.</font>

1810
01:25:34,712 --> 01:25:35,839
<font color="#ffff00">Okay?</font>

1811
01:25:35,922 --> 01:25:41,386
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Allá, si, si.
Aqui, no, no.</font>

1812
01:25:41,594 --> 01:25:46,141
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Allá, si, si.
Aqui, no, no.</font>

1813
01:25:46,349 --> 01:25:49,519
<font color="#ffff00">[all in unison] Yo no soy pendeja!</font>

1814
01:25:49,936 --> 01:25:52,105
<font color="#ffff00">[laughter, applause]</font>

1815
01:26:01,281 --> 01:26:02,907
<font color="#ffff00">Monica, Tony.</font>

1816
01:26:03,116 --> 01:26:05,910
<font color="#ffff00">Twenty years ago,
when I was in your garage,</font>

1817
01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,955
<font color="#ffff00">if you would've told me this was going
to happen I'd have said you're crazy.</font>

1818
01:26:09,038 --> 01:26:10,290
<font color="#ffff00">If you would have told me,</font>

1819
01:26:10,790 --> 01:26:12,208
<font color="#ffff00">"Twenty years from now</font>

1820
01:26:13,126 --> 01:26:16,296
<font color="#ffff00">people are going to come out
and fill up arenas to see you.</font>

1821
01:26:18,298 --> 01:26:19,924
<font color="#ffff00">They're going to cheer for you,</font>

1822
01:26:21,134 --> 01:26:24,179
<font color="#ffff00">and they're going to finish your jokes...</font>

1823
01:26:26,431 --> 01:26:28,349
<font color="#ffff00">in Houston, Texas."</font>

1824
01:26:29,184 --> 01:26:31,603
<font color="#ffff00">[crowd cheering, applauding]</font>

1825
01:26:33,229 --> 01:26:36,691
<font color="#ffff00">This special is dedicated to both of you
and to this city.</font>

1826
01:26:36,983 --> 01:26:38,359
<font color="#ffff00">That's Houston strong.</font>

1827
01:26:38,443 --> 01:26:41,571
<font color="#ffff00">Thank you very much,
and you have a great night!</font>

1828
01:26:41,654 --> 01:26:44,616
<font color="#ffff00">And I hope I keep
making you proud. Thank you.</font>

1829
01:26:45,992 --> 01:26:48,411
<font color="#ffff00">[cheering, applause]</font>