An Old PtW KFC Parody

KFC Combo FAQ v1.0b

by David Sirlin aka "The Combomaniac" <sirlin@alum.mit.edu>

This FAQ is meant to be electronically distributed, but cannot be reproduced for profitable purposes, or for the purpose of obtaining prizes from a magazine or contest. It also cannot be reprinted in part or in whole (except for personal and private use) without consent from the author.

This FAQ is actually the "KFC Questions FAQ," but that sounds dumb so it will be colloquially referred to as the KFC Combo FAQ. KFC used to stand for Kentucky Fried Chicken, by the way, until PepsiCo decided that it's bad for business to have the word "fried" in the name of a restaurant. This FAQ is compatible with the newly released KFC/Taco Bell restaurants and should work fine with no modification. The purpose of this FAQ is to guide would-be patrons through the thick morass of questions that will be asked of them during even the most routine order. The FAQ will also outline some near optimum ordering strategies for minimizing questions asked of the person ordering, and there's a final section on maximizing the number of questions asked during an order. That's how you get the really big combos, you know. Oh yeah, this guide contains lots of Street Fighter terminology and will likely be most useful to members of that community.

Note: This FAQ is now out of date due to the constantly changing menu-scape of KFC. Have you noticed that Popcorn Chicken is now in it's FOURTH incarnation? They keep canceling it and bringing it back. What's the deal? It will be on it's 6th run by the time you read this, I'm sure. Also, KFC has had "value meals" for quite a while, which allow you to order "#1 with coke" or whatever, thereby circumventing the entire "game" proposed in this FAQ. The truly "OG" will shun this, in favor of ordering "manually." Finally, there now exist KFC/Taco Bells and even the ultra advanced KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut restaurants. These bad boys open up a whole new world of combos beyond the scope of this FAQ. I will say this, though: if you try to order a "#3" there, you better tell them if it's a "Taco Bell #3" or whatever, or you will have lost almost immediately.

FAQ

1. Who was the Colonel, anyway? What kind of guy was he?

Answer: I don't know.

2. What's the most nutritious thing to order at KFC?

Answer: LOL! You're asking the wrong guy. I think you're also at the wrong restaurant.

3. How can I maximize the weight of the food I order for a given dollar amount?

Answer: Very good question! That will be addressed in a separate, future FAQ on the subject.

4. How can I minimize the number of questions asked of me when I order at KFC?

Answer: Now you're talking. Let's delve into that...

First of all, make sure you say exactly what you want. Don't just say "Two pieces and a drink," since you'll give yourself away as a KFC scrub immediately. You'll be hit by the barrage of "Is that leg and thigh or breast and wing? Is that original, extra crispy or tender roast? Did you want the meal or just chicken and bread? Biscuit? Cornbread? What size drink? What kind of drink?" It's over for you. They'd ask you more, but you get the picture.

So say exactly what you want. Say "Two piece leg and thigh meal with baked beans and corn on the cob. Cornbread and a medium Pepsi, that's all, for here."

Can you spot the flaw in my previous order? I made this same mistake once back in my training days, so don't be ashamed if you don't see it. If you order the above, the cashier will most likely sit there and stare at you until you are done spouting off, at which time you would be asked, "Original or extra crispy, sir?" That's a tough defeat.

So let's break down the order into pieces. We'll also assume for now that you want a few normal pieces of chicken rather than chicken strips or a potpie or something. First say the number of pieces you want (#), followed by the kind of pieces (kind), followed by either original, extra crispy or tender roast (I'll call this "original.").

So far we have "#, kind, original."

Now if you want no side dishes, you would say "chicken and bread" followed by either "biscuit" or "cornbread." The phrase "chicken and bread" is stupid and bit confusing, but that's what the KFC employees are trained to understand. If you want sides, say that you want the meal, then say the name of the two side dishes you want. Never even attempt to order chicken and bread with one side dish, because there is no defense against being asked, "Do you want the meal." They'll almost always ask you that.

There are a few advanced tactics needed when it comes to ordering side dishes. Most of the side dishes are called pretty much what they look like except two of them. If you order "macaroni" you'll be asked if you want macaroni and cheese or macaroni salad. If you order potatoes, you'll be asked if you want mashed potatoes and gravy or the potato wedges. Be careful on these sides, since they are the most difficult to order.

Now we have "#, kind, original, meal, bread."

The next step is to order a drink. It doesn't come with the meal unless you order certain value meals. Specify the size and type of drink, unless the fountain is in front of the counter. In that case, specifying the drink type is not necessary, but it doesn't hurt.

Finally, you'll have to specify if your order is "for here" or "to go." Even with all that, though, you still run the risk of other questions. I once completed the entire combo: "#, kind, original, meal, bread, drink, for here," and I was then asked, "Do you want honey with that?" I mean, wtf!? Do I want honey? Sometimes those cashiers will throw in cheap shots like that to stop you from winning. All you can really do is give a very emphatic "AND THAT'S ALL" at the end of your order. I later went back to that particular KFC where I ended my order with "No honey, and that's all." It was a bold move, but it was required against that particular opponent.

That covers most of the issues you'll have at KFC, since the value combo meals are pretty much auto-combos. You should be aware of a few more things, though, to be a true expert. If you order chicken strips, you'll have to say if you want a meal or not. If you do want a meal, remember to say biscuit or cornbread. You will also be asked what kind of sauce you want, so be sure you see that coming and do a reversal answer. Your choices are sweet and sour, ranch, BBQ, or honey mustard. Don't order the spicy strips, as they have been discontinued.

Another issue is that you must size up your opponent. If an opponent looks on the ball, you'll have to speak at a steady, quick pace with a forceful voice. If the opponent looks slow-witted, you'll have to speak slowly so they will be able to keep up with what you're ordering. Otherwise, they'll get behind and will ask lots of questions to get back into the game. Also be aware that any yes/no questions asked of you that require you to confirm your order or parts of your order do NOT count against you. There's simply no avoiding these questions from certain cashiers. So if they say "Three chicken strip meal?" right after you order that, just say yes and keep going. No lost points.

A final advanced tactic is to order different styles of chicken in one order, such as a two piece leg and breast, original leg, extra crispy breast. If you try this, you must specify your order FULLY to have any chance. Some people order a 3 piece and say "one of each", meaning one original, one extra crispy and one tender roast. You run the serious risk of being asked which piece should be cooked which way and an even more serious risk of them being out of tender roast, which they always are.

That's pretty much it. Here's a sample order:

"I'd like a two piece thigh and leg meal, original recipe, with cornbread and two sides: baked beans and macaroni and cheese. I'd also like a medium Pepsi and absolutely nothing else. For here."

That's a strong order.

5. How can I maximize the number of questions asked of me at KFC?

Answer: I'll give the biggest combo I know....

You: I'd like some chicken. [This question is considered cheap by many and is not allowed in Chicago, but at a KFC/Taco Bell, it is somewhat feasible since you are saying you don't want Taco Bell stuff.]

KFC: How many pieces?

You: Two.

KFC: Leg and thigh or breast and wing?

You: Breast and wing.

KFC: Original, extra crispy or tender roast.

You: Tender roast.

KFC: We don't have tender roast. How about original?

You: Ok.

KFC: Did you want the meal?

You: Yes.

KFC: What sides?

You: Potatoes and macaroni.

KFC: Is that potato wedges or mashed potatoes?

You: Mashed.

KFC: Is that macaroni and cheese or macaroni salad?

You: Cheese.

KFC: Biscuit or cornbread.

You: Biscuit.

KFC: Anything else?

You: Chicken strips.

KFC: How many?

You: Three.

KFC: Do you want the meal with that?

You: No.

KFC: What type of sauce?

You: Uh...

KFC: Do you want sweet and sour, honey mustard, ranch or BBQ?

You: sweet and sour.

KFC: Do you want a drink?

You: Yes.

KFC: What size?

You: Medium.

KFC: What kind?

You: Uh...

KFC: We have Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Hawaiian punch, this weird strawberry stuff—

You: Pepsi.

KFC: Is that all?

You: Yes.

KFC: Would you like honey with that? [Those bastards!]

You: No, that's a dumb question.

KFC: For here or to go?

You: For here.

That's 21 questions! Larger combos are surely possible, though no infinites have yet been discovered.
Questions or comments? Let me know.

--David
KFC Combo FAQ v1.0b by David Sirlin

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