julius wanting to crush 14y/o ludger

-- Ludger is 14, and Julius overworks himself. Ludger has the entire summer off, and Julius is a monster. --

Ludger comes into the apartment wearing a thin t-shirt, dampened with sweat, running shorts, and a basketball tucked under his arm.

He's still breathing a little hard, plush lips spread open, little tongue visible, and his sunkissed skin is slick and has this touchable quality to it.

Julius turns from his spot on the couch, and cranes his neck to look back at his brother.

"Welcome back," he says, before smiling in amusement. "You look beat. I hope that means you won."

Ludger drops his ball, presses a small hand to the wall for balance as he works his shoes and socks off. The only way Julius can describe his motions are cute, girlish in a way; Ludger lifts his foot and reaches from the back to push his shoes and tug his socks off. His bare feet and ankles are slender but pleasantly dry. Despite that, they also have a touchable quality to them.

"Of course I did," Ludger boasts before bending over, shirt riding up his back just slightly, to pluck his ball off the ground. When he takes a few steps forward, passing Julius on the couch, he turns to grin at him.

"Someone's pleased with himself," Julius says, his smile tilting. "Just don't get carried away. No one likes a bad winner."

Ludger walks backwards, towards his room. "Big Brother, I've beaten you at *everything* enough times for you to know I'm a *great* winner."

And with that, he turns around, chuckling to himself. The soft backs of his knees are damp with sweat too.

Julius keeps watching him until he disappears.

Summer vacation has just begun, meaning Ludger will be swamped with a whole lot of nothing. Julius still has him study, but otherwise Ludger is free to do as he pleased. He's taken up experimenting with a lot different sports. Thankfully, he's made some steady friends at school, which Julius is glad for since Ludger spent his early childhood shy and timid, so Julius was glad to indulge his brother in everything he needed.

"Are you sure?" Ludger would always ask when he mentioned needing something; gloves, cleats, a bat, rackets-- anything.

Julius would always give his hair a playful ruffle and smile down at him.

"Of course. Anything for you, my spoiled little brother."

Julius comes home one evening to Ludger sitting on the couch with his knees drawn up, and wearing nothing but boxers and one of Julius' t-shirts.

Ludger is so tiny that he's practically drowning in it, but something about the white fabric draping over him was enticing, cute. Julius wanted to curl his hands around him and touch his sides, feel the cool fabric beneath his fingers.

Ludger tilts his head back, baring his slender throat, and smiles at Julius.

"Welcome home, big brother," he says as he swings his legs over the couch and rises to his bare feet. He tilts his head back to smile up warmly at Julius. "Another long day at the office, huh?"

Julius doesn't wear his coat during these hot days, so he loosens his bolo and proceeds to nudge his shoes off. He focuses solely on streamlining his movements so he doesn't look at Ludger for too long.

"It sure was," he says, a little too jovial for someone so tired. "Meetings, checking on projects, presentations-- I didn't even have time for lunch."

Ludger blinks his round, inocuous eyes he shuffles over to the kitchen. The hem of Julius' shirt barely covers his ass, swings teasingly at the tops of his thighs.

"Here, let me get you a plate while you settle in. It'll be ready by the time you're done showering," he says while he flits about the kitchen and eases himself into his own little world.

Julius watches him for a long moment before looking away abruptly and taking long steps to the bathroom.

"Good idea. We can't have me stinking up the place, now can we?" he says from down the hall.

Ludger's laughter fills the apartment.

When Julius gets in the shower, he makes sure the water is bordering on cold, and runs a hand through his hair once he's under the spray. He feels an apprehensive pang of guilt and disgust begin to settle itself in the pit of his stomach.

Julius is a heavy sleeper, so when Ludger draws his blankets back, slides in next to him, and presses their backs together, Julius is only vaguely aware of it.

"Mm?" he hums, more concerned than confused.

"I'm fine," Ludger murmurs, and shifts on his side of the bed to get comfortable. "Just sleep, okay?"

Without a second thought, Julius rolls over, eyes still closed, and curls an arm around Ludger's slender body. He draws his brother to his chest, Ludger's head tucked against his neck, and sighs in contentment.

Ludger turns around too, presses his face to the crook of Julius' neck, and inhales. When he exhales, it's through his mouth, this soft, warm, and barely-audible little breath. If Julius weren't on the fringes of sleep, he would be concerned by how good it felt.

Julius comes home one afternoon to Ludger lounging on the couch in nothing but running shorts. He's curled up on one end, while Rollo sleeps at the other.

Ludger looks over a shoulder and smiles wearily. "You're home early."

Julius' eyes rove over every little curve of Ludger's body; the promise of his spine, his shoulders, his knees, his ankles, all the way to the tips of his bare feet. As usual, his entire body is slick with sweat.

He catches himself quickly, and instead smiles down at Ludger as he settles into their apartment. "Work was slow, so I decided to take what I needed home instead of hanging out at the office."

Ludger swings his legs over the couch, feet resting on the ground, and twists slightly to look at Julius fully.

Julius is fascinated with Ludger's pink nipples, his budding abdominal muscles, and the way the elastic of his shorts clings to his little hips.

"Well, I'm glad you're home. Since you're here, why don't you tell me what you want for dinner, and I'll get it started?"

Julius laughs. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to butter me up. Do you want something?"

Ludger gives Julius a chiding look. "It's not that. I'm just glad to see you home. I missed you."

His expression softens before Julius reaches over to give Ludger's hair a ruffle. Ludger chuckles, cheeks going pink, and he looks up at Julius with a strange tenderness he's only seen in the women he's dated.

"I always miss you," Ludger says softly.

Ludger puts on a t-shirt when he starts cooking dinner that night.

Julius feels equal parts disappointed and depraved.

The summertime heat leaves too many opportunities to see Ludger half-naked and panting or rolling on the floor or groaning. His skin is always a slight tan and glinting. It makes the urge to touch him so powerful, that Julius could go mad with how hard he's resisting.

It's too much, and taking care of the aftermath of his eyes all over Ludger isn't quite doing the job.

Julius starts buying boys. He usually waits till Ludger is asleep before he slips out of the apartment and takes a train to Duval. It's a quick ride, and there's something solacing about knowing he's so far from his little brother.

He gravitates towards the young ones, the fresh ones who are looking to make a little extra money for college, or were roped into seedy jobs because their debts.

Sometimes he'll have them suck him off and leave it at that. It's quick and impersonal, gets the job done when he finds himself roused in the middle of the night from the vestiges of dinner on his tongue or the scent of Ludger's natural boyish musk mingling with summer crispness.

Most of the time, he fucks them, takes them from behind so he doesn't have to look at their faces. Looking at their faces would remind him of Ludger's without fail, He tries his hardest to keep himself as detached as possible, focusing only on the pleasure of tight, vital heat taking him in and the soft moans of his partner's voice.

When he has a boy pinned beneath him one night, he finds himself thinking of Ludger.

It wasn't in a carnal way, which surprises him. Julius recalls Ludger's soft smile, the loving way he would always greet him with a 'welcome home,' as soon as Julius stepped through the door, the way he would hum along with Julius as he cooked and cleaned.

Ludger was radiant and beautiful, his reason for being. He was caring and considerate, eccentric but kind. He was perfect, Julius was convinced of it. He doesn't know how he managed to raise someone so perfect, but there isn't a day where he isn't grateful for it.

Julius squeezes the boy's wrists and cums into his condom, Ludger's name coming out in a sharp whisper.



Fractured dimensions can take time, so Julius hasn't been home in two days when he finally returns to the apartment. It's terribly late, so he doesn't expect Ludger to be awake. There's dinner on the stove though, a plate covered in plastic wrap sitting on the table.

Julius finds a little note next to the food. 'Welcome home. I missed you! Make sure you eat before going to sleep! There's more in the pot if you're really hungry.'

He smiles before setting it back on the table. He does as told, feeds himself quickly before taking a long, hot shower.

When he enters his bedroom, he turns the lights on and is greeted with the sight of Ludger on top of his sheets.

Once again, he's in nothing but a pair of his boxers and Julius' t-shirt. He's laying on his back, cheek pressed to the pillow, limbs splayed; his legs are spread, and his arms lay prostrate at his sides.

He looks so helpless, and the first thought Julius has is how *easy* it would be to take advantage of this situation. It wouldn't be hard to touch him in the slightest, especially if he was gentle. He could run his fingertips up his brother's soft thigh, brush them over his cock, slip his hand beneath his shirt and stroke his stomach and circle his nipples and *Julius is so disgusted with himself that he has to turn off the lights, cover his mouth, and trudge back into the sitting room.*

He sleeps on the couch.

When he wakes up that morning, there's a thin sheet draped over him, and the smell of eggs cooking filling the air.

Julius rolls over, nearly falling off the couch, and is greeted by the sight of Ludger in the kitchen.

Ludger smiles at him, bright and warm and adoring.

"Welcome back, Julius. I missed you."

*I always miss you.*

Julius catches him masturbating one night.

It was incredibly late, and he was up only to get himself a glass of chilled tea.

Before he could even step out of the threshold of his door, he could discern the faint noise of deep, shaky breaths. It wasn't hard to deduce it was Ludger; the noises were coming from his room, which had its door left open for some reason (perhaps to let the air circulate).

Julius knows he should just go back to bed, or maybe even laugh it off since such experimentation was a simple part of being a teenager, but he does no such thing. He stands where he is and he listens.

Ludger is mostly quiet, but the occasional hitched breath and whimper are more than enough to make it clear that Ludger has almost no clue what he's doing. Julius wonders if this is the first time he's touched himself at length like this.

The sound of sheets rustling and faint creak of the mattress [becomes audible] soon too. Julius wonders if Ludger is rocking his hips into his hand, slow and tentative, nervous but fascinated.

He starts gasping and whimpering, and Julius is oddly thrilled with the prospect of listening to his brother's sweet voice as he cums, possibly for the first time, but the noises stop abruptly. The sound of sheets being drawn up, and Ludger's breathing evening out mingling with the silence.

Julius backs his way to his bed, sits on the edge of it, and runs his hand down his face.

He enters a fractured dimension and ends up in the park in front of their apartment.

Whenever Julius lands in this particular place, he always checks his and Ludger's home first. It's always ripe with clues to the catalyst; the news is either conveniently playing with a segment showing something relevant to the catalyst, or visitors (sometimes even the catalyst itself) will show up soon after he rifles around.

He lets himself in and is surprised to find a young man in their kitchen. He's dressed in blue, and his bangs are dyed black.

As soon he turns towards him, Julius can tell it's Ludger because their faces are identical. It isn't hard to deduce, and it isn't as if he's never seen his brother in other dimensions before, so he's hardly surprised.

Ludger turns the stove off before turning towards him and smiling at him with the same warm adoration his little brother always gives him.

"Welcome home, big brother," he greets, and his voice has dropped to a pitch that's soft and inviting but still so perfectly *Ludger* that it makes Julius' heart ache. As gorgeous as this young man is, it makes him yearn for his budding little brother.

"Thanks," Julius replies before stepping further into the apartment. He glances about, inspecting for anything unusual, but is quick to find nothing.

Ludger slips out of his apron before draping it over the back of a chair. He advances on Julius with a chiding smile, and stands before him with a hand on his cocked hip.

"Just 'thanks'? What's wrong? Have a hard day at work?" he asks playfully.

Julius offers him a small smile before reaching up to ruffle his hair. The gesture makes Ludger laugh, giggle really.

"Something like that. You know hectic it gets."

Ludger's smile softens into a sympathetic expression as he gives his head a slight tilt.

"Yeah, things *have* been pretty crazy down there lately," he muses, mostly to himself it seems. He's quick to snap out of his personal world in favor of looking up at Julius with the utmost delight. "But you're here now, so don't worry about that, okay?"

Julius chuckles. He's starting to find himself slipping into this role a little too easily. Ludger gave him a very obvious lead though, Julius is quite pleased with the outcome of his mission so far.

"No promises," he says with a playful smile. "You know how I am."

Ludger's smile softens further, eyes lidded, and turns into something coy and enticing. He reaches up to finger the buttons of Julius' vest.

"C'mon," he almost whines, though the lowness of his voice removes the petulance from it. "Can't you forget about work for *one* minute?"

Julius' heart goes from calm and steady, to hammering away in his chest. Ludger's intent is obvious, and Julius would be positively *lying* if he said the initial idea wasn't thrilling, but this is Ludger, his little brother, the light of his life. No matter what incarnation he takes, no matter how little time his dimension has left-- he has his own Ludger, his own little brother that he loves and adores. His own little brother that he wants despite being so young--

The thought lingers in his mind. His Ludger is so young, and he's a monster for wanting so much of him. This Ludger though, this adult Ludger who's throwing himself at him, who's looking at him as if he looked good enough to eat--

Ludger leans up, lips curled into a mischievous smile, and takes a careful nip at Julius' lips.

"Let me distract you for awhile, okay?" he murmurs, and that's when he covers Julius' mouth with his own.

Julius is too shocked to react, but Ludger doesn't seem to mind. He fits himself to Julius' front, flicks his tongue over Julius' mouth, and covers it again.

Julius wants to push him away in disgust, remind Ludger that they're brothers and this is wrong and sick and they shouldn't do this, but he doesn't. He stands there and takes it for a moment, just long enough to process what's happening and the apparent familiarity of it.

Once Ludger starts licking and kissing at his mouth with more insistence, that's when Julius reacts. He feels absolutely vile for it, but he parts his lips, kisses Ludger back, hands flying up to curl around his hips.

Ludger hums in delight, his smile widening, and he beacons Julius' tongue into his mouth. He swirls his tongue around his brother's before sucking on it, hard and slow. Julius groans, presses their hips together.

Ludger tugs him into his bedroom, *their* bedroom, and practically pushes Julius onto the bed before crawling over him. Julius barely has time to do anything but take everything Ludger does to him. His shirt is pulled off in a matter of moments, and Ludger's hands and mouth are all over him.

Ludger only stops to strip himself, too excited to take a slow and seductive pace, but that suits Julius just fine because his own pants are tugged off soon after.

Before Ludger goes down on him, he smiles up at Julius, hungry and loving all at once. "You just lay back. I'll take care of you."

He sucks Julius' cock with an unimaginable expertise, makes Julius watch him finger himself open, and rides Julius' lap so hard that Julius distantly wonders how his fractured self can even handle this level of intensity.

Ludger made good on his promise; he rides him, flips them over and begs Julius to fuck him into the mattress, and he's loud and clingy and utterly insatiable. All Julius can think about is the fact that this is his perfect, wonderful, beloved baby brother, he's fucking his little brother and it feels better than anything he could have ever imagined. This is what he wants, what he needs, and the fact that Ludger isn't a catalyst means that this facet of their relationship is a possibility. They could end up doing this as often as their hearts desired, they could link themselves up with each other like lovers.

He takes Ludger with ferocity, growling against his skin and biting him and telling him every loving, filthy thing he feels.

He still can't help but think of his Ludger though, his small, cute, sweet little Ludger who loves him to death. Julius loves him too and that's the most terrifying part of it all. He loves him, he's a grown man in love with a boy who is like a son to him, and there's no way he isn't a monster.

He's ashamed of how often he's thought about this, about spreading Ludger's trembling legs wide and showing him what feels good. When Julius thinks back to that night he heard his brother touching himself so experimentally, it takes all the willpower in the world not to imagine what he could have done for him. The thought of taking Ludger's virginity, of touching him and kissing him and making him cum before anyone else ever has--

Julius groans Ludger's name in a mindless litany, imagines his precious little brother bent over for him and grinding in his lap and pinned down, begging to be filled, just like the Ludger beneath him is.

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Ludger whines, fingers following after him as Julius slides out of bed to get himself cleaned up.

"Duty calls. You know how it is," he says noncommittaly. He does manage to look over his shoulder and shoot Ludger his usual playful grin. "I'll see you tonight though, alright?"

Ludger chuckles before rolling onto his back and smiling dazedly up at the ceiling. "Yeah, you *do* say that a lot. And I know something is up at work, so I figured you'd have to go sooner or later."

Julius commits the small observation to memory, and is about to leave after finishes dressing himself, when Ludger speaks again.

"I'll miss you," Ludger says, voice soft and sad and sincere.

Julius lingers at the doorway, and that's when the guilt begins to settle in. This isn't his Ludger. It never has been, it never will be. He belongs to his other self, his other self that he believes will come home to him and embrace him and love him properly, whole-heartedly, without hesitation.

He says nothing, can't bring himself to delve back into the warmth of his delusion. As he leaves, Julius overhears Ludger murmur. He sounds sad and resigned.

"I'll always miss you."

The fracture ended up being one of his coworkers. The specifics escaped him, but Julius didn't care too much about them anyway. His focus on his job is beastly, singular. The right and wrong of it don't bother him anymore.

There's something far darker and distressing plaguing him, and when he finally returns home, he's grateful to find that Ludger is dead asleep in his own room, curled up next to Rollo. His breathing is soft and even, and the pinkness of his lips reminds Julius far too much of what he'd taken not long ago.

He feels positively vile, disgusting, *monstrous.* The fact he'd had sex with his own brother, that his own brother wanted to have sex with him, and badly by the look of things-- Julius doesn't know when or how this will settle, he has no idea how his other self could have stomached this revelation because all he feels right now is loathing. It's a dark, heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach, and it *aches* in this visceral way, as if his body was rejecting what he'd done.

Julius takes a hot shower, tries not to vomit as he dries himself off, and holes himself up in his room, door shut tight and locked. He wants desperately to sleep, would rather be mired in his usual nightmares than think about what had happened. However, all he has it in him to do is sit at the edge of his bed, face in his hands, and take in long, shaky breaths.

Fighting off the panic attack is automatic at this point; he's killed too many different versions of his brother and family and friends to not be able to take care of his racing heart, but the franticness is beginning to be replaced by something far more troubling.

It's impossible not to think about how Ludger begged to be pinned down and fucked senseless, and how he moved with him and clawed at him and called his name over and over-- as loathesome as he feels for replaying the scene in his mind, he could never deny the sheer *goodness* of how it all felt. He's never had sex that intense or electrifying, so letting go of the vivid memory is harder than he wants it to be.

Julius growls, mostly at himself, and begins to feel his heart race again when he realizes how bothered he's becoming. The only thing more satisfying that taking his brother with pure and senseless lust is the thought of having his own Ludger that way. *His* Ludger; the thought repeats itself in his head, and the way it makes him ache involuntarily makes Julius want to vomit all over again.

The thought of his own Ludger scratching at him and begging for him is too much, and as much as Julius tries to focus on the disgust and guilt, the heat spreading through him and the dark hatred deep within him don't separate, leaving him frustrated and guilty.

He doesn't *want* to, it's disgusting, *he's* disgusting, but Julius shuts his eyes tight, gloved hand covering his mouth, and slides a hand between his thighs, into his pajama bottoms. He's already so hard that it's shameful.

He jerks himself off, hard and rough and fast, focused only on getting off and nothing more. Keeping his mind black is a trial, and in the end he succumbs to simple images. Ludger half-naked, sitting on the couch, Ludger's trusting smile, Ludger's pink lips and pink nipples and the thought of marking his pale skin with pink marks of being handled roughly--

Julius cums into his hand quietly, with a muffled grunt and nothing more. He doesn't even want to *think,* let alone make any sort of noise.

He's awoken by a series of insistent knocks at his door. Intellectually he knows it's Ludger, so he doesn't rouse to alertness at first. However, when the rapping doesn't stop, Julius finally gives in and shuffles out of bed, unlocks his door, and lets it slide open.

It is indeed Ludger, along with Rollo cradled in his arms like a baby. His brother's face is upset and fretting.

Ludger's mouth opens, but he hesitates, obviously unsure of what to say.

"Good morning," Julius says, voice heavy with tiredness.

"Yeah," Ludger replies, his wits returning to him. "Good morning."

They watch each other for a few beats before Ludger speaks up again.

"You're okay?" he asks, the concern in his voice palpable.

Julius is confused, but is too tired to act or wonder on it. Instead, he gives Ludger a lazy smile.

"Of course," he says. "I got back last night. You were already asleep."

Ludger looks down for a moment, pensive, before meeting Julius' gaze with a small smile.

"Sorry for waking you up," he says reproachfully, adjusting Rollo in his arms. "Do you have work today? How about tomorrow?"

Julius shakes his head. "I'm yours all day."

Ludger's smile brightens. "Good. It's about time."

Julius chuckles before reaching up to ruffle his little brother's hair. Ludger leans into the touch with a soft giggle of delight.

"I'll make you a huge tomato omelette, okay? And I'll take care of the chores, so just--"

The thought of kissing Ludger silent crosses Julius' mind, and that's when the guilt begins to rekindle. His smile fades, but he plays it off with a yawn, hoping Ludger doesn't notice.

"I missed you," Ludger says suddenly.

Julius pauses for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. He doesn't want to hear the rest, so he gives Ludger's head an affectionate pat before taking a step back towards his bed.

"I'll be up in a little while, okay?" he says quietly.

Ludger looks disappointed, but he nods and leaves Julius to get more rest.

Ludger pampered him all day, which was nice. Being able to relax after yet another exhausting mission put his mind at ease, and it was almost enough to keep his monstrousness out of his mind.

It all comes back to him when Ludger rests against him on the couch, their sides pressed together, Ludger's head lolled onto his shoulder.

Julius focuses too much on the television to keep himself from sparing even a glance at Ludger and all his inviting skin and softness and warmth. He wants to touch, and badly, but Julius knows he can't, he shouldn't, *he can't.*

Ludger smiles and sighs in contentment, looking up at Julius with a cheery, adoring smile. Julius smiles back at him, and endures.

He ends up with his cock in his hand while he takes a hot shower that night. The thought of Ludger slick with sweat after a long summer day, or drenched in water, in the shower with him-- no matter what, Ludger was warm and wet and kissable, and Julius wishes he knew what was wrong with him.

The first week back is the hardest, but just as Julius begins to legitimately fear that his desires might be taking over his better judgment, the burning need begins to ease up, bit by bit. As with all of his wrongs, he slowly starts to come to terms with what he'd done in the last fractured dimension.

He'd took advantage of a situation he shouldn't have because of the simple fact he's a monster. He can't keep his eyes off Ludger and wants to consume his everything because of the simple fact he's a monster.

Summer begins to reach its apex, and Trigleph is overwhelmed with heat waves that last for days at a time. Even Julius has to roll his sleeves up at work, while Rideaux wears a high ponytail.

The corporate half of his job, while welcome in its monotony, is exhausting in itself, so he comes home early one afternoon. Ludger doesn't appear to be home yet, so Julius, left to his own devices, takes a freezing shower, wears something light and breathable, turns the electric fan on full blast, and lays himself on the sititng room couch with the intent to watch some television.

The cartoon is interesting enough, but in the end he succumbs to resting his eyes, going lax against the couch, one hand resting over his stomach while the other dangles limply over the edge of the couch.

He doesn't know how long he remains, relaxed and immobile from comfort, but eventually he hears the door open from behind the divider, followed by a series of shuffles that have a familiar feel to them. Ludger is home.

Julius doesn't have it in him to greet him or do much of anything other than laze about, half-asleep, so he does nothing, just listens to Ludger settle himself in.

He's surprised to hear Ludger approach him, and even more surprised to feel the boy lingering at his side. Julius is about to crack an eye open and ask Ludger why he's watching him sleep, but he feels a distinct pressure against his lips, rendering him immobile.

Ludger is kissing him, closed-mouth and chaste, light and experimental, hesitant. Julius doesn't know what to make of it, doesn't even think about kissing back. He feels sickened and guilty because of how *alright* he is with this.

Just as suddenly as Ludger had kissed him, he draws away before scampering off quickly. A door in the distance slides shut, and that's when Julius opens his eyes. He stays where he is, shocked and confused and a little yearning.

He doesn't know if he should say anything, but watching Ludger shuffle about the kitchen while he was preparing dinner, tense and skittish, made Julius decide that he couldn't *not* say anything.

Julius is only a man, so he couldn't resist his food, but it served as a brief distraction and that's all. Ludger was unusually chatty, which Julius would have found strange under any other circumstances, but he was well aware of the source of his brother's nervousness.

A few beats had passed since Ludger finished laughing awkwardly at one of his own poorly-told stories, when Julius throws caution to the wind, figuring it's as good a time as any.

"Ludger," he begins, slow and thoughtful, staring at his plate of half-eaten spaghetti.

Ludger starts, looking up at Julius with wide eyes. "Yeah?"

He wonders if he's really going to do this, if he's ready to ruin their relationship forever. It's a much bigger decision than he realized.

In that long split-second, Julius thinks about a lot of things. He thinks about Ludger's crying face as he shrieked out, terrified, at the sight of his dead mother. He thinks about burnt little hands, and nightmares and accidents and the first time Ludger told him he loved him.

He thinks about Ludger's skin, his mouth, his joints-- he thinks about the Ludger he fucked and how much the both of them loved it.

He's a monster, a selfish, monster. Julius doesn't look up when he speaks.

"I wasn't asleep when you got home."

A long silence hangs between, Ludger continuing to stare at Julius blankly as if processing the meaning of his words. Julius manages to watch him back, though he can't meet his gaze fully.

He can tell when the realization hits Ludger, because his brother's face goes from calm and placid, to completely horrified, wide eyes and mouth open in a silent scream,

Ludger doesn't say anything. He tenses up, shaking his head.

"Ludger," Julius offers, voice slow and gentle, as if he were attempting to calm a startled animal. In a way, he supposes he is. The thought of Ludger screaming or crying or reacting in any of the ways *he* tends to when the guilt is too much-- Julius can't think of anything he doesn't want more.

"I," Ludger manages as he leans back as if shrinking away from Julius. "I... It was..."

"It's okay," Julius says quietly, holding Ludger's gaze as he gives him a reassuring nod. "I'm not mad."

It's as if his words made everything worse, completely and utterly worse, the worst they could be; Ludger purses his lips in an impossibly sad frown, one he gave often as a child, and his eyes become misty from shame.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he squeaks out, averting his gaze completely.

Julius knows he's about to lie, that he should come clean and admit that there is indeed something wrong with the two of them; he should do the adult thing, send Ludger back to Martin's, keep them separated so that they can't hurt each other.

He does no such thing.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Julius insists. He wants to get out of his chair and touch Ludger, give him some kind of reassuring gesture, but refrains for the time being.

Ludger's shoulders quake, and he doesn't look up. "I'm not okay. You're my big brother. I shouldn't be like this."

Julius half-expects Ludger to begin rambling and pleading, to completely melt down into howling sorrow. Ludger could hide his emotions when he wanted to, but Julius knew his ability was nowhere near as honed as his own. When Ludger was vulnerable, he was *vulnerable,* it was always plain as day on his soft face.

"I'm sick," Ludger declares with finality despite the tremble in his voice. With clenched fists and an unseeing gaze, Ludger pushes himself out of his chair, but doesn't do much else.

Julius can tell Ludger is calculating his next actions, but he doesn't let his brother wonder on them for too long. Julius rises as well, and closes the distance between them with a long, quiet and careful step.

The silence between them is oppresive and suffocating, feels as if it had a palpable weight of its own. Julius doesn't know what to do. His vile fantasizing never broached this particular part because he knew that no matter how the conversation came about, there was no way it wouldn't be catastrophic. Normalcy would be beyond them for a long, long while. It would *hurt,* their existing together would be painful, possibly forever.

"If you are," Julius begins softly, gloved fingers twitching with the desire to reach forward, cup Ludger's cheek or stroke his hair or pull him into an adult embrace. "Then..."

Ludger still can't manage to look up, but the way he tenses up, shoulders squared and long legs going rigid, makes it clear that he's listening. Julius wonders if perhaps Ludger is expecting something from him too.

Julius contemplates dismissing his words, telling Ludger he still loves him and that they'll talk about this some other time, and pushing the boy away. The idea is as cruel and selfish as it is tempting.

He turns the desire over and over in the pit of his stomach for a few long moments before falling victim to his own selfishness once again. Julius tells himself it's because Ludger is so small and weak and pitiful, begging to be scooped up and adored, that he can't resist taking care of him.

"If you *are* sick, then so am I," Julius concludes, fingers relaxing. He feels strangely liberated, admitting his sin. It reminds him of young girls confessing to the boys they love, and the innocence of it makes Julius want to vomit. The fact he's just taken that callow simplicity from Ludger makes him so sick that he wishes for death for a flicker of a second.

Ludger's breath hitches, and it takes him a moment to look up and finally meet Julius' gaze. When he does though, the utter helplessness of his expression, the way he's clearly surrendered himself to the relief of finally hearing the answer he'd desperately yearned for, as well as the dread of knowing great suffering is beyond the horizon-- it makes Julius' heart ache.

He makes no move, only watches Ludger with mild expectancy. He wants, Julius *wants* and *needs* more intensely than he's ever craved anything in his entire life. He's only a man, and he couldn't hate himself more for it because even if the simple desire of wanting to take his lover into his arms, to hold him and kiss him and consummate their confession, was normal and perhaps even innocent in its own way, this was his brother, nearly his son.

Ludger admitted his sickness however; the realization and remembrance makes Julius finally realize that Ludger has been suffering and punishing himself in his own way. He's hurting too, he's been yearning and pining and crushed beneath the weight of teenage mooning, of the slings and blades of first love.

"I'm sorry," is all Julius manages, though he doubts Ludger will know what he's apologizing for specifically. All of it, Julius decides. He's sorry for everything, even the things he isn't aware of.

Ludger shakes his head as he reaches forward. He hesitates, eyes wide and calculating, before he finally presses his hand to Julius' chest. Julius wonders if he's searching for a heartbeat, or some kind of warmth to solidify the trueness of the moment.

"You don't have to be sorry," Ludger reassures in that caring way of his. "It's not like you asked for this. Neither of us did."

Julius covers Ludger's hand with his own and gives it a squeeze. He looks down at their point of union, relishes in how sweet it is, before finally meeting Ludger's beautiful eyes.

"You're right," he says. "If I could help it, this wouldn't be happening."

His wording seemed poor, and he can tell Ludger is wounded by it since the pressure of his hand relents slightly, but it isn't untrue. He loves him, he loves Ludger more than anyone he's ever loved in his entire life, but even so--

"I just don't want to hurt you, Ludger," he finally admits. It's his greatest fear in his heart of hearts, so he wishes that saying so would ease some of his pain. If anything, the admission makes him feel worse.

"You won't though," Ludger insists, stepping closer and looking up at Julius with that familiar, caring gaze. "I know you would never hurt me."

Julius shakes his head. "It isn't that simple."

"I know that, but..." Ludger begins, trailing off to look down at their hands once again. When he's steeled himself, he meets Julius' gaze again, and holds it with determination. "You've always watched over me. You've always protected me."

"Bad people can do good things, Ludger."

"I know. Julius, I know, but you aren't a bad person," Ludger insists, the fingers against Julius' chest curling slightly.

They can go back and forth all night, Julius knows it, but he doesn't let his dogmatic stubbornness stop him from giving a fretful sigh. Once again, he's tempted to pull away and beg Ludger to put this all behind them and pretend it never happened.

He knows Ludger would have no such thing though.

Looking down, a light blush of pink blooms over Ludger's cheeks. Julius is charmed and mesmerized by it.

"I just don't want you to be sorry, that's all," he concludes before looking up at Julius, expression pleading.

Julius doesn't know how to respond to him besides continuing to argue this; he thinks Ludger can sense it because Ludger draws away only to wrap his arms around Julius' middle, clinging to him.

With only a moment's hesitation, Julius reaches up to pull Ludger closer, arms around his little shoulders. He stares down at him pensively.

"Please don't be sorry," Ludger murmurs, turning his cheek slightly to press it to Julius' chest. "I won't be sorry if you aren't, okay?"

Julius *wants* Ludger to be sorry, but at the same time, wants to shield him from every terrible thing in the world. The guilt that came with persistent and disgusting thoughts like his could kill a man, Julius is certain of it. All the same, there's no way he can't be sorry, he doesn't know how Ludger can't see that or understand that. He's the adult between them, he's *an* adult and Ludger is still a child, there isn't anything tender or sweet or romantic or thrilling about their situation.

Ludger looks up at Julius, expression still imploring. "I don't want anything else from you, Julius."

He would be lying if he said he felt the same way, that he hasn't had an impure thought or impulse, wouldn't do anything and everything Ludger wanted him to if nothing were at stake. All the same, stalling and digging his heels in isn't an option, and maybe he'll always be weak to Ludger. The precious little face he's making doesn't do his resolve any favors either.

"Then I'll promise you that much," Julius says, reaching up to give the back of Ludger's head a reassuring stroke. "I'm not sorry."

The relief in Ludger's face makes Julius' heart hurt.

"Okay," he says with a small smile, and finally draws away from the comforting embrace. Julius lets him go.