McSheathy's Door to Door Condoms

[F4M] McSheathy’s Door to Door Condom Sales [humor] [blowjob] [riding cock] [handjob] [sofa sex] [slightly [okay very] goofy] [safe sex] [RubberGood Rewards Program] [money back guarantee] [you just try and get me pregnant, sir!]

*Premise: the speaker is a talkative, enthusiastic, slightly awkward, but mostly professional door-to-door condom salesperson. She knocks on a door and comes in to give a condom fitting and demonstration.

*Sound effects are always great. Get creative with this, ad lib, whatever. I think this would really improve with some of the performer's personality inserted into the dialogue. Spaces are added to indicate pauses or breaks in the speech, but you can break it up and make it as slow or as rapid-fire as you like.

(knocking/doorbell ringing)
Good afternoon sir! How are you? My name is ______, how are you doing this fine afternoon? Oh, wait. Sorry, I already asked you how you were. I’m a little nervous, it’s my first day on the job. Well, it’s my first day solo going door to door. Don’t worry, I’ve had plenty of training and I shadowed our top seller for two weeks, so I absolutely know what I’m doing. This is actually my third week working in your area and I’ll be assigned here for the foreseeable future.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?
Very nice to meet you, I’m _______, um, like I said.

Oh, of course! S-sorry. Yes, I work for McSheathy’s Premium Condoms, are you familiar with us? No?? Oh my gosh. I’d love to inform you more about our products if I could take a few minutes of your time. I just met your next door neighbor, Richard, actually. He is a lovely guy. Yes, he did, in fact, he made a really generous order, and he’s been a loyal customer for years, so if you need a recommendation--ask Richard. He’s also a member of our Rubber Good Rewards Program.

Anyway, sir, we sell our condoms door to door specifically because of the superiority of our product. Our condoms are semi-custom fitted, meaning we have over a dozen different sizes, and we guarantee your health and pleasure or your money back. Our condoms also come with our exclusive BabyLater warranty, which means that if you make a baby after wearing one of our condoms, we give you 10% off your next order. No questions asked. How bout that?

I’m completely confident that even if you decide not to place an order, you will not think your time has been wasted if you just let me give you a custom fit consultation and demonstration. Do you think that’s something you might be interested in?

Great! I’d love to come in, thank you. (door closes) You know, partners often love to sit in on our demonstrations, sir, do you have a significant other at home that might like more education about sexual health with McSheathy’s? No? That’s fine, I just like to check. It can also be somewhat awkward to have a partner or loved one walk in on a consultation with no context! (laughs) Ohh, man. Like last Friday...

Anyway, should I just set up here? Oh, over--okay. Next to the sofa. Great. Now I’ll explain everything while I’m opening up my little bag of tricks, ooopsie! That’s just m’dildo. I use it for demos sometimes. It’s always flopping out! Now where is that l--oh, here. Now, you surely have heard of our bestseller, The Cumstopper? Yes! That’s McSheathy’s! Have you used one before? Oh, you are in for a treat, sir. Please, just sit comfortably on the couch, and it’s best for me if I kneel in front of you where I can reach both you and my kit on the coffee table.
Now. Let me show you all of our condoms, in and out of the package, and you can ask any questions you have, or you can have me show you…let me just put my dick away over here…

You look like an intelligent man, I don’t think I need to tell you about the importance of sexual health, do I? Especially if you aren’t with a long-term partner, condoms are an absolute must. However, many people find that even if they are not trying to prevent anything, they enjoy McSheathy’s so much that they will wear them during intercourse just because they’re so darn amazing. They actually enhance your experience. I know! I know, I shared your surprise, sir! Take, for instance, our Catch-All's. Another extremely popular choice. They are, like all our others, all natural, artisan-made, organic, vegan, cruelty free, latex free, biodegradable, edible, and hypoallergenic. They hug the cock in such a way that the orgasm is actually prolonged, and many users say that they have never cum so darn hard. Oh, this one? This is the...let’s see...yes, this is one from our Dick Wrapz line. Mm-hmm. I’ll go through some of these in more detail, but typically in order for me to make a recommendation we’ll get you custom fitted, and then we can discuss which product line might suit your needs, how does that sound?
Excellent! Let’s see that cock!

Mm hmm, go ahead and take it out now. Let me just pull my hair back a little here, so I can get a closer look...oh! You’re….you’re already getting quite hard. That’s incredibly helpful, sir. I mean, of course helping out with that is part of my training, but sometimes it makes my job that much easier if you’re already there. Our products really are that exciting, right?

To help you get a full erection, I’m going to take a bit of some of our patented Chub Rub lube, and rub it into my hands (opens bottle, rubs hands) to warm it up here…
(begins stroking)

May I just say, I see a lot of cocks, and yours is the nicest one I’ve seen today. And I don't say that to all the customers!

Well, you have such soft skin, for one thing. (lowers voice) Of course, we’re really not supposed to make comments on our own opinions on our customers’ dicks, uh, so just forget I said that.

Are you already using our emollient lube?? The great thing about this lubricant is that it does moisturize, so whether it’s being used on a cock, a pussy, even for anal play, it will condition whatever skin or tissue it comes into contact with. You never knew you wanted that, right? Does this feel good, how I’m stroking? Mmm-hmm. A little harder? Sure. And see how I can use my other hand here to….oh, yes, my customers always respond to that trick. Oh, thank you. It’s part of our training. Now, I’m going to stop stroking in a moment because you are definitely fully erect...let me just…
(continues stroking for another moment) Goodness gracious, sir…(laughs slightly) wow! Um...where was I?

There. Now, as you can see, I have an array of condom sizes in my kit. McSheathy’s uses a carefully researched sizing system that is not unlike, say, bra sizing. We know that every dick is individual, and we want ultimate comfort and pleasure for all our customers. Anyway, based on what I’m feeling here, let me just see...if I squeeze your balls very gently...or press your taint like this...ah, I can see that you tend to react quite a bit if you are caressed or touched in certain ways. I’d recommend this size here. Let’s try one on. Now, if I may, I’d like to try one of these here. This is the Cumstopper 5000, one of our classics.
(opens package)

Now, these are incredibly easy to put on. May I?

Mmm, yes, this is a very nice fit for you. Is it comfortable? Let me try some of those things I was doing before, to see if it affects your sensation at all when you’re really throbbing. I love this part!
I’m lightly stroking your inner thigh, a very sensitive area. How does that feel, sir?
How about now?

Now, you can see here that when I begin to play with your balls--thank you!--there’s quite a bit of movement here. No, please don’t touch. I prefer to control the demonstration. How does that feel? Mmm, I’m so glad.
I always find that caressing a man’s body in certain ways brings about such interesting responses! Would you mind unbuttoning your shirt for me? Oh, wow. Um, you smell really good. Wh--where was I? Yes, um, let me show you this thing I like to do with your nipples, if you’ll indulge me. Yes? Oh, good.
(kissing and sucking)

Does that condom feel comfortable during foreplay? Not quite? (disappointed) Oh. Darnit. Well, let’s try another size then.
 Would you mind removing that one, please? Here is another favorite, oh! Yes, this will be fun. I love demonstrating this one. This is from our flavored line! And I think I’ve got just the right size this time. Let’s put this one on….and I’ll show you just how fun these can be during oral play!

(begins sucking) Mmm! Mmmm. This one (suck) comes in (suck) five different...mmmm….flavors. And they are natural flavors...mmmm….this one’s my favorite…..(sucking) The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Haha! Just kidding, kidding. This one is strawberry mint. That was just a line from Willy Wonk….(trailing off awkwardly).

Uh, Now, I understand that in a real sexual encounter, the oral sex might be performed for a little longer, but this is really just for demonstra---oh! You didn’t like it? Well, I am still ne---(relieved) oh, the condom! Yes, you think that one might not be the perfect fit? Oh, of course! Yes sir, we can try as many as you want to!

How about a Dick Wrapz? This is the one I mentioned earlier. Yes, very popular. Here, let me put this one on you….mmmm….now this one uses our patented heat transfer technology. I think you’ll be incredibly pleased with the sensation and protection this one offers in the woman’s pussy, specifically. Let me just grab us some more of the Chub Rub lube--it feels amazing, doesn’t it? And I’ll climb into your lap….is this comfortable for you, sir? Now, when I sit on your cock, this will help you achieve unparalleled orgasms, but you just wait. You just TRY to get me pregnant, okay sir? Okay. I really like this part, so bear with me….
(positions herself on his cock)

OH HOLY FUCK, SIR (gasps) Oh my god! (moans) Mmmm…..now...is this position comfortable for you? I can ride you quite well on the sofa here. Mmm hmmm. That’s right….when I fuck you, do you feel every inch of my pussy, sir? I know you do, that’s a McSheathy’s condom for you. And it doesn’t matter how hard I fuck you, it will stay right in place and you will love every second of it. Oh, yes, I’ve gotten pretty good at this. I can make you cum in about thirty seconds, I’d guess. I mean it though, sir, (playfully) you just try to get me pregnant, okay? Shoot all that hot cum out into me.

You are really, really, handsome, if I can say so. Ohhhh…..Go ahead sir, it feels so good doesn’t it? Yessss, oh, I think this is definitely the right one for you. I’m so glad I got to demonstrate this one with you…..You feel that? All of me clenching you and rubbing you? Oh, yes, go ahead! Now, yes, now! Ahhhh!!! Give me all of it, sir! There you go!
(enjoying his orgasm)

Oh, I love this part! Oh my goodness. I felt every bit of that cum in my pussy. That felt like an excellent orgasm, how did it feel for you? (laughs) Well, thank you. Oh, (embarrassed) no. No, you were very good and I can tell you’re an excellent lover, sir. Oh, no, it’s all just part of the training.

Oh! Yes, I’m still on top of you. I’m so sorry, I was just thinking you had beautiful eyes...so sorry, how awkward of me. Here. (laughs nervously)

Let me just...can I help you with your condom? Yes, they do remove easily. And look! No leaks or anything. Top notch protection. Oh, let me just clean you up a little bit here….(sucks his cock)

Would you like me to help you with your pants? Here. Your underwear are here.

Now would you like a moment to have a look at our other lines? There are Dickles, and Child Away (also comes as a spray, not for contraceptive purposes), and...and...this one is specially designed for same sex partners here, the CockBlockSock, if that’s of any interest to you as well…. We do have several promotional offers going on that I can give you some literature about, as well as all of McSheathy’s research on safe sex.

Oh, that’s very generous of you! Thank you so much! An order that size qualifies you for 500 points in our RubberGood Rewards program and gets you a free burger coupon to In-n-Out, the official burger chain of McSheathy’s Premium Condoms. Would you like to be notified of any new product developments or events coming through the pipe? Sure, and I would, you know, be more than happy to come back and demonstrate those any time. Okay, great. Here’s my card with my cell number on it, this is technically something we only give repeat customers but you made such a great impression….you can call anytime.

Oh, I will, and you do the same. Business has just been booming lately, what with people working from home so much, and I have just had so many repeat customers. Yes. I do. I love my job. Thank you again, sir. Have a great day.