Helper Monkey

>”Anon! Anon! There’s a message for you!”
>Your attention is quite effectively captured by the shrill voice of your answer pone.
>No, that’s not a typo.
>Here in Equestria technology isn’t quite up to human standards.
>Instead, the ponies overcome their lack of microprocessors with magic.
>Cheating bastards.
>You walk over to your 2 inch tall, grey answer pony who is jumping up and down on her notepad excitedly.
“Okay. Hit me with what you got.”
>Your answer pone looks ecstatic to be fulfilling her primary purpose, but tames her reactions in order to relay your message.
>”O-okay! It’s from Twilight Sparkle. She called this morning at... uh... I didn’t write it down...”
>This is one of the problems with your answer pone.
>She’s tiny, and yet she records messages with a standard sized notepad and pencil.
>Both are much, much larger than her and so she has trouble writing with any sense of expediency.
“It doesn’t matter. So it’s from Twilight. What did she say?”
>Your answer pone clears her throat and holds a hoof up to her muzzle to pinch her nostrils.
>In a really nasal impression, she repeats Twilight’s message in a snarky tone.
>It fits Twilight to a tee.
>”Beeeeep! Hi, Anon! This is Twilight Sparkle. When you get this message, come to town hall. It’s really urgent! It’s about... Uh...”
>Your answer pone looks down at her notepad, searchingly.
“Yes...? That doesn’t seem to be the end of the message.”
>”Um... I couldn’t write down any more before she hung up... I was busy writing the other part down...”
>You’re not disappointed with your answer pone.
>You’re used to this by now.
>But your answer pone looks downright distraught over her failure.
>She had one job.
>Literally.
>You’d better step in before she tries to commit electronic seppuku and stuff herself in a microwave.
>You start with a pat on her tiny head.
“Don’t worry. You did great. I got what I needed to know.”
>”Y-you don’t hate me...?”
“Never. Just keep doing your best, okay?”
>Your answer pone perks up instantly, reinvigorated by her sense of duty.
>She salutes with one hoof and slings her massive pencil over her shoulder with the other.
>”Yes, sir! You got it!”
“Attagirl.”
>Right now, though, it’s time to get into Ponyville.
>You have a bad feeling about this.
>Twilight and the girls have been relentless in their pursuit of your tepid simian phallus.
>Under her supervision, the rape attempts have become almost too much for you to handle.
>It’s only thanks to your quick wits and lucky dice rolls that you’ve kept your pony virginity.
>Natural 20 beats everything, baby.
>So when Twilight calls you into town saying that something is “urgent,” you know it’s a trap.
>Still, there’s no point in hanging around and waiting for the rape to come to you.
>Better to face it head on.
>When you arrive in Ponyville, you are greeted by the sight of a huge throng of ponies outside town hall.
>They spread out like a three-foot-high, pastel-coloured quilt, blanketing the town square.
>They’re gathered around a podium that has been erected in front of Town Hall.
>Even from the back of the crowd you can see the tell-tale colours of the Mane 6.
>Especially Rainbow Dash’s flamboyant hair.
>That’s surely where you need to be.
>But there’s a slight problem of about 100 metres of ponyflesh between you and the podium.
>You can’t just wade through them.
>You know that even walking down the street is invitation for their groping hooves and searching tongues.
>So you’ll have to resort to subterfuge.
>You drop down on all fours and clear your throat.
“Neigh.”
>All at once the murmuring crowd goes silent.
>And simultaneously, every pair of eyes in Ponyville turn to look at you.
“Ahem... Neigh.”
>All is still in Ponyville.
>And then everypony goes back to milling about and talking to their neighbours.
>”Wow, I’ve never seen that pony before!”
>”Is he new?”
>”He’s rather handsome, don’t you think?”
>Perfect.
>It worked.
>You crawl on your hands and knees through the crowd of ponies, bumping with plots, wings and crotchboobs as you go.
>”HEY! Watch where your creepy hoof hands go, buddy!” Thunderlane shouts as you crawl past.
“Neigh.”
>”Oh, my mistake. Carry on.”
>Eventually you reach the podium and pick yourself up off the ground.
>Straightening your tie and dusting yourself off, you make yourself look presentable for your impending doom.
>You climb the steps of the wooden structure and see the Mane 6 standing with Mayor Mare.
>”Anon! Finally, you’re here! Now we can begin!” Twilight blurts excitedly.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up for a sec. Begin what exactly?”
>”Why, didn’t you get Twilight’s message, darling? We had this wonderful idea to settle things once and for all!”
>”Yeah! It’s gonna be a contest! And you know how much I like to win! You’re goin’ down, Anon! On me!” Rainbow Dash taunts.
>”Heh heh, I’m afraid she’s right, partner. I ain’t the losin’ type. So y’all better buckle up for a rodeo once this is all done.”
>Oh boy.
>Maybe you should have stayed at home.
>If only you’d known...
>No, it’s not your answer pone’s fault.
>Well, actually it is.
>Maybe you should have invested in a better model.
>Your train of thought is interrupted by a poofy pink mane invading your personal space.
>”Oh boy this is gonna be so much fun, Anon! It’s just like that time that we got to be superheroes and-“
“Superheroes? What is this contest even about?”
>Finally, the last of the Mane 6 finds the courage to speak up.
>”W-well there was this time that we all dressed up like the mysterious Mare-do-well, and...”
“Oh god, not that again.”
>Rainbow Dash swoops down to Fluttershy and echoes your sentiments.
>”Yeah, I thought we agreed never to speak of that again...!”
>”Well, yes, but... He asked, and...”
>Mayor Mare clears her throat and steps forward.
>”Yes, well. Allow me to clarify for you, Anon. Twilight suggested an interesting way to solve your little issue with equine-simian relations. Today we shall hold a contest that takes place over all of Ponyville! We’ll show you that we’re not just rape-oriented horses, oh no. We’re more than that! We are ponies!”
>A tremendous roar of approval rises from the crowd who listened to Mayor Mare’s speech.
>You’re still not impressed.
“Alright, cut to the chase. What do we have to do?”
>Twilight decides to field this question.
>”Community service. Anything, really. Be as helpful as possible to the ponies of Ponyville. Show them your compassion for your fellow equine.”
“I’m not a pony.”
>”You get what I mean! Just go around and help ponies where you see them. You have until 6pm to take part.”
>Well this seems easy.
>You’re a handyman by trade at the moment.
>Literally, ponies employ you to help them out with your dextrous digits.
>Especially that mint one with the harp.
>She’s creepy.
“I fail to see how this is a contest...”
>”Throughout the day the ponies that you help will be voting for who they think should win. We’ll also be doing our best to help out in Ponyville, so we’ll be looking for trouble, too! This evening we’ll count the ballot and if we win, you have to let go of this ridiculous pony taboo that you have!”
>You hear the sound of the collective crowd salivating over the prospect.
>That is a sound that you will take to your grave.
“And if I win?”
>”Then we leave you alone forever.”
“DEAL.”
>You rush up and shake Twilight’s hoof.
>There, the pact is sealed.
>Of course you’d jump on the chance to get rid of these lecherous ponies once and for all.
>Especially since the contest is so easy!
>You’ll go around and help these ponies, just like you’re used to doing.
>You’ve got this one in the bag already.
>”Well then, now that Anon’s agreed to it, let’s get this contest started!” Mayor Mare bellows.
>”Ponies of Ponyville, I declare the contest officially begun! Go and get yourselves in trouble, now!”
>The crowd of ponies gives another cheer, this time accompanied by the stomping applause of hundreds of hooves.
>Then, once the fervour has died down, the crowd disperses, individual ponies going back to their usual business.
>”Well then, I wish both parties the best of luck. May the best ponies win.” Mayor Mare says as she departs.
“Oh, good to know you’re not biased or anything...”
>Mayor Mare turns to face you just as she reaches the stairs to the podium.
>”Now, Anon, you know I don’t mean that. It’s just a turn of phrase and-“
>Mayor Mare goes sailing through the air as she forgets to stop walking while looking at you.
>She trips over the first step and starts falling.
>Wait, this is your first chance!
>You can help her and then you’ll be one up on the Mane 6!
>You start to run forward, but before you even get close to Mayor Mare, a blue blur rushes past you and swoops in to save her.
>”Whoa, watch out, Mayor!” Rainbow Dash chides as she holds the mayor in her forelegs.
>”Oh, gosh! That first step’s a doozy! Thank you, Rainbow Dash. I know where my vote is going!”
>Well, fuck.
>You snooze, you lose.
>Cumon step it up
>Now the Mane 6 have secured a vote right off the bat.
>As the final ponies and the Mane 6 disperse to find their own tasks, you’re left with one worrying realisation.
>This might not be as easy as you first thought.


>You are now Foal.
>No, really. That’s your name.
>Berry Punch hasn’t been sober enough to name you since your birth.
>You call yourself Ruby Pinch instead.
>You think it’s quite nice.
>Right now, though, you’ve got other things to worry about.
>Like the predicament in front of you that’s causing you to cry.
>”What’s the matter, kid?”
>Oh no.
>You’d recognise that scratchy voice anywhere.
>It’s the prismatic peril herself, Rainbow Dash.
>And she’s not good with kids.
“I, um... Er...”
>”Have you got a problem? You know, I can /help/ with problems...”
>Rainbow Dash is doing her best to seduce you into letting her help you in order to help herself.
>And the voice she’s using for it makes you wonder whether she’s offering to help fix your problem or offering to plan a hit on somepony.
>You wouldn’t put it past her to do either.
>You still remember the MMDW incident.
>Bitch couldn’t even open a jar on her own.
>SHE USED HER TEETH.
>She’s the most dangerous mix of impatient, ambitious and incompetent.
>Definitely not safe for children.
“I, um... It’s okay Miss Dash, really, I...”
>Rainbow Dash leans over to you and swings a sweaty leg over your shoulders.
>She smells of garlic and energy drinks.
>”Now, now, squirt. There’s no need to be shy. Just tell me what you need and I’ll get it in the blink of an eye. Heh heh. I’ve been working on that one. Could you tell?”
>You resist the urge to facehoof lest you somehow end up penetrating your skull with how hard you do it.
“N-no... It’s okay... I don’t want to cause unnecessary trouble... It’s just my cat up in that tree. I’m sure she’ll come down on her own.”
>”A CAT IN A TREE? What do you think these flappy things are for? Uh, these... whatdyamacallits...”
“Wings?”
>”Yeah! I use them all the time to get to high places! You can count on me, little dude!”
“I’m a filly.”
>”Yeah, they used to call me one of those too. But I showed them who was boss!”
>”Rainbow Dash, I hope you aren’t planning on getting that cat down on your own.” A deep, competent-sounding voice booms from behind you.
>Already you feel much more comfortable around this new adult.
>Just being in his shadow makes you feel safer.
>You turn around to face your saviour.
>Ah! It’s that alien guy!
“O-oh! Hello Mr. Anon...”
>Anon kneels down and gives you a scratch behind your ear.
>Miss Cheerilee always says to avoid scratches from strangers because it leads to more foals somehow, but Anon’s scratches feel so good...
>Surely you can make an exception this time.
>”Is this lady bothering you, Ruby?”
>You’re too engrossed in his magical hands to apply any tact to the situation, and end up nodding with an affirmative grunt.
>”Psh. As if!” Dash protests. “I was gonna go get her cat down from that tree over there!”
>”So you were planning on doing it alone...”
>”Whaddya mean by that?”
>”Well, you’ve just not really ever had the best track record with animals, Dash. Remember that time you were looking for a pet?”
>”Yeah. So what? I got Tank out of that. Awesomeness all around.”
>”Yeah, but you also almost died when you got pinned under that boulder. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on what you put those poor animals through for the chance to be your pet. Face it, you’re not an animal pony. Did I just say that...?”
>Anon looks shocked at his own words.
>You’ve seen him wrapped up in his own thoughts before.
>He’s a bit weird at times, but not as weird as the town “heroes.”
>”Pft. I’ll show you! I’m the animaliest pony in Ponyville!”
>”What about Fluttershy?”
>”Uh... W-whatever. I’ll get that cat down from that tree before you can say ‘You belong in the wonderbolts!’”
>Dash spreads her impressive, blue wings, and with a mighty flap, she takes to the skies.
>She disappears into the leafy boughs of the tree in search of your cat.
>After a few seconds, the tree starts shaking with the commotion of what is unmistakably a fight.
>You hear your cat’s yowls in the background under Dash’s screaming.
>Leaves fall all around the base of the tree from the action up above.
>Suddenly, unlike the rest of the leaves which fluttered down to the ground, Dash plummets from the lofty heights of the tree’s branches, covered in thin stripes of leaking, red cuts.
>She luckily lands on her foolish, thick skull, so she’ll be fine.
>She is dazed from the impact though, and her eyes roll around in her head lazily.
>”S-see...? Nothin’ to worry about...”
>”Hoo-ee! Rainbow, you couldn’t wrestle a critter out of a wet paper bag. Let me show ya how it’s done.”
>Oh no.
>Now the inbred pony is here.
>Why did it have to be her?
>You look pleadingly up at Anon for assistance.
“Please help, Mr. Anon.”
>He ruffles your mane in response.
>”Don’t worry. I think this one will work itself out.”
>He looks to the unfolding scene and you watch with him.
>Applejack, indifferent to Rainbow Dash’s plight, walks up to the tree and then faces away from it.
>”See, Applejack knows how to do two things: Buck trees and fuck her brother. As far as I know, that tree isn’t in AJ’s family.” Anon explains quietly.
>Well that explains why Apple Bloom does so badly in class.
>Sure enough, according to Anon’s prediction, Applejack balances on her forelegs and lashes out with her hindlegs at the trunk of the tree.
>They connect with the bark of the tree with a resounding thunk.
>The impact sends reverberations all the way up the trunk and along the branches of the tree.
>Yet more leaves are dislodged from their homes and come fluttering to the ground.
>No sign of a cat, though.
>Applejack seems annoyed at this observation.
>”Consarnit! Cats are just like apples. If’n ya don’t get ‘em down the first time, buck, buck and buck again!”
>Applejack readies herself for another kick.
>Her hooves slam into the trunk of the tree once more, shaking it from bottom to top.
>More leaves float down, but the cat stays lodged in the tree.
>”Dangit! That tears it! You asked fer this!”
>Applejack pulls out what appears to be golden horseshoes.
>They’re studded, and look like they’d leave quite an impact on any poor soul who might gain the ire of the apple pony.
>”Are those knuckle dusters?” Anon asks with wide eyes.
>”Hmm? These? These are my father’s horseshoes. He used to run away trespassers and apple rustlers back in the day, Celestia rest his soul. This one’s Bad Muthabucker and this one’s Kicks McGee.”
>Applejack gives each of her beloved horseshoes a kiss.
>You make a mental note never to go to Sweet Apple Acres unless invited.
>Applejack slips on her horseshoes and positions herself in front of the tree again.
>Gathering all of her strength, she kicks the tree with such force that you’re knocked back slightly by the shockwave.
>Even Anon shields his eyes from the dust cloud that her kick created.
>The tree does its best to stand up against the punishment that Applejack just dished out.
>It vibrates violently, and this time all the leaves on the tree explode off its branches.
>You can now see your terrified cat digging its claws into the branch that it sits on, clinging on for dear life.
“Mr. Mittens!”
>”Mrow!”
>”Dagnabit! Get down here ya durned fleaball!”
>The tree has finally had enough abuse hurled at it and its inhabitant.
>In a clear sign of rebellion, the vibrations from Applejack’s kick causes a crack to manifest in one of the branches.
>It splits off from the main body of the tree and gravity gracefully takes it into its clutches.
>Right on top of Applejack.
>”OOF!”
>That looked like it hurt.
>”MEDIC!” Anon shouts to nobody in particular.
>You’re concerned now.
>Two heroes have fallen to the might of the tree.
>What more can be done?
>You tug on Anon’s trouser leg.
“Mr. Anon... What are we gonna do about my cat?”
>”Don’t worry, Ruby. There’s more than one way to skin a cat... Uh, so to speak. Just wait here a moment, okay?”
>You nod and obediently sit on your haunches.
>Anon can be a bit awkward, but he’s amicable enough.
>Yes, you are in the advanced class at school.
>After a short while Anon reappears holding a tin.
>He gives you a winning smile that lets you know that he’s got a plan.
>It makes you feel funny in your tummy.
>He opens the tin, which appears to be full of fish.
>Holding up the food, he wafts the scent into the air towards the tree.
>Mr. Mittens sniffs inquisitively.
>In an instant, his terror evaporates and is instead replaced by hunger.
>Anon walks back towards you and places the canned fish at your hooves.
>Mr. Mittens follows his instinct and climbs down the tree towards the food.
>In no time at all, you are reunited with Mr. Mittens, and all is well in the world.
>Well, apart from the two unconscious and potentially paralyzed ponies lying on the floor a few feet away from you.
>But nobody likes them anyway, so it’s all ok.
“Thanks Mr. Anon!”
>”All in a day’s work, Ruby. Tell your mother ‘Hi’ from me, okay?”
“Alright! Will do! Thanks again!”
>Anon walks off towards his next encounter.
>Your eyes are strangely drawn to his hind quarters as he walks away.
>His tight, toned, finely-sculpted hind quarters...
>That reminds you!
>You have to vote since Anon helped you!
>And you know just where your ballot is going.

>You are now Anon again.
>Your search for ponies to help isn’t going that well.
>It seems that despite Mayor Mare’s orders earlier, Ponyville is mostly quiet and surprisingly competent today.
>So you decide to go somewhere where you know there is always something going wrong.
>The source of Applejack’s inbred incompetency.
>Sweet Apple Acres.
>Even if there’s nothing going on there, hopefully in the interim between you walking there and back, Ponyville, like an unwatched pot, will boil over into complete chaos.
>And you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
>You chuckle to yourself as you near the Sweet Apple Acres homestead.
>Rather sinisterly, you should add.
>...You’re the hero for this story, right?
>Eeh... What difference does it make?
>You approach the wooden house to see a wizened, green pony sitting in her rocking chair on the porch.
“Hi there, Granny Smith!”
>”HUH? WHA? WHAT IN TARNATION IS THAT?!”
>Granny Smith, who was happily dozing in her chair, has now been startled by your pleasant greeting.
>She regains her senses after a second and looks towards the source of all the noise: You.
>She does the next logical thing for a farm pony to do.
>She pulls out a shotgun.
>”What’re y’all doin’ on mah land, alien? Is this another one o’ yer invasions again?!”
>You immediately put your hands in the air where she can see them.
“Granny Smith, please! We’ve been though this so many times now! It’s me, Anon!”
>”Oh yeah! I remember now. Welcome, Anon! What brings you here?”
“Granny, y-you can lower the gun now, you know.”
>Sure enough, Granny Smith addresses you while staring down the double barrel of her instrument of death.
>”Hmm... Nah.”
“O-okay.”
>She keeps the gun levelled at you with unerring steadiness that only comes with a practiced hand.
>Or hoof in this case.
>”So what’re ya doin’ here?”
“I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help on the farm! You know, just being neighbourly...”
>”Well ain’t that a nice surprise! Sure, y’all can help! Go see Big Mac at the barn!”
>Hands still raised, and with no sudden movements, you slink around the side of the house towards the barn.
>Granny Smith trails her sights on you the entire time.
>You let out a sigh of relief when you’re finally out of her field of vision.
>Big Mac’s bright, red coat is easy to see, so you spot him in front of the barn right away.
>Immediately, though, you notice something is wrong.
>Big Mac is just staring at the barn doors.
>Or rather, not exactly at the barn doors.
>But what lies in front of them.
>A large branch, presumably from an apple tree, sits in front of the doors, blocking access to them.
>You approach the barn and address Big Mac, hoping that he isn’t packing a shotgun either.
“Heya Big Mac! Is everything okay?”
>Big Mac doesn’t break his staring contest with the log.
>”Nnnnnope.”
“Well what’s up? What’s this branch doing here?”
>”Came down in the storm last night. Can’t get in the barn now.”
>Big Mac’s cutting insight on the situation has really changed your entire perspective on the problem.
“Uh... Do you want me to do something about it?”
>”Eeyup.”
>”No need for that, Anon! The unicorn cavalry has arrived!”
>Rarity’s gratingly refined voice interrupts you and causes your skin to crawl.
>Wait, how do they have cavalry in this universe?
#UNABLE TO PROCESS
#REBOOTING
>You slump to your knees as blue screens of death flash up in your eyes, displaying error messages to any observers.
>”Oh, gosh! I’ve never seen him do that before! I need to make a note of this, quickly!” Twilight exclaims.
>”Oh, do hurry up, dear. We’ve got a branch to prettify!”
>Twilight reaches out into her trusty saddlebags with a thread of magic and retrieves her notebook, which she hastily scribbles down in.
>”There, now, let’s take a look at this branch.”
>Twilight again reaches into her saddlebags and this time takes out a tape measure.
>She gets to work in assessing the dimensions of the branch, scribbling in her notebook as she goes.
>”Really, Twilight? There’s no need for that. I already know that I can get at least twenty mini-topiaries out of this ghastly thing. I just need to pick where on the farm they’ll go afterwards. This place needs a LOT of sprucing up. Its feng shui is all wrong!”
>Rarity looks around, eyeing the corners of the farm buildings and window sills that might become prospective perches for her pristine potted plants.
>Twilight, upon hearing her plan, rushes over to her and grabs her by her shoulders.
>”What?! You can’t do that, Rarity! I don’t know the effects of casting magic on trees yet!”
>Rarity is incredulous.
>”What? But, darling, you LIVE in a tree. You cast magic all the time!”
>”But I don’t cast magic ON the tree! I just don’t know what will happen!”
>Rarity’s face contorts into an expression of blank comprehension of Twilight’s stupidity.
>The poker face she’s putting on is amazing.
>”Well, don’t worry, Twilight. I did this before, remember? We had that sleepover with Applejack, and-“
>”YOU DID WHAT?!”
>”I used my magic to turn that branch that came in the window into-“
>”Oh no! Oh no! Nononononono! This is bad! I haven’t studied on the effects of this!”
>”Twilight, please, everything is fine, so-“
>”No! Everything is not fine! I don’t know the long-term effects of casting on wood in trees! Come on, we have to get to the library, now!”
>”But, Twilight, dear, I-“
>”There’s no time to talk! And we can’t teleport! We could have been doing irreparable damage to the library all along and not known it! Come on, there’s no time to lose! Ooooh... I knew I should have read that book on garden magic all those months ago...”
>”WAHAHAHA!”
>Then, as suddenly as they arrived, Twilight gallops off with Rarity in tow.
#REBOOT COMPLETE
>You shake your head to clear the cobwebs in there.
>That was weird.
>Anyway, where were you?
“So, uh... Big Mac, shall we move this branch?”
>Big Mac ponders your suggestion for a moment.
>”Eeyup.”
>You tie the branch to Big Mac’s yoke and he pulls it away from the barn doors easily.
“There. Job done. I guess I’ll get going now. See you around, Big Mac!”
>”Eeyup. See ya.”
>As you leave Sweet Apple Acres, Granny Smith hobbles from her vantage point around the side of the barn.
>She keeps her gun trailed on your back as you leave.
>”Aww, Big Mac. That Anon there is nice people. Fer an alien invader, anyway.”
>”Eeyup.”

>As you get back into town you can tell that your gamble has already paid off.
>Your ears pick up the sound of some kind of ruckus going on just around the corner.
>Just perfect.
>You head to the epicentre of the commotion to see what you can do to stick your nose in where it doesn’t belong.
>As you get closer, you’re able to identify the sound as a pub brawl.
>You know a pub brawl when you hear one.
>You track the noise to a shady establishment called “The Bucking Broncos.”
>True to the name of the pub, there are a bunch of stallions outside, fighting.
>”YOU VOTE FOR ANON, DAMMIT! I DON’T WANT MY MARE TO GO LUSTIN’ AFTER THAT FREAK!”
>”YOU CAN’T DENY ANON’S SWEET ASS TO ALL OF PONYVILLE!”
>Wow.
>On the one hand you’re flattered that some ponies feel so strongly attracted to you that they’d fight for you...
>But on the other hand, you can’t lose your pony virginity.
>You need to step in and stop them fighting.
>And that’s when you notice it.
>You’ve been beaten to the punch yet again by the Mane 6.
>Right in the maelstrom of the fight, curled into such a tight ball that you didn’t see her initially, is Fluttershy.
>If you listen closely you can hear her “shouting.”
>”P-p-please... C-calm down everybody... Oh no...”
>So far each of the ponies have come in pairs, though.
>So where’s Pink-
>”HI, ANON!”
“JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST!”
>”Who’s he? He sounds like fun!”
>Pinkie was on your head the entire time, it seems.
>”Hey, you want some popcorn?”
“You stop eating that up there! You’ll get crumbs in my hair.”
>”Oh, sorry.”
>Pinkie puts away her ringside snacks... somewhere.
>You’d prefer not to know.
>It’s probably not very hygienic.
>Now, as much as you’d love to let your arch-rapist-nemesis rot in the middle of all those stallions, judging by the way she’s hyperventilating, she’s not going to last much longer.
>Heck, she might even put in a good vote for you once this is all done.
>...Yeah, probably not.
 >Still, it’s the right thing to do.
>You take Pinkie off your head and shove her under your arm, carrying her by her belly.
>”Whee!” She squeals.
“Hey, everybody!”
>None of the ponies pay any attention to you.
“Ugh, seriously? Fine. HEY, EVERYPONY!”
>All at once the fighting stops.
>Stallions are frozen mid-buck, broken bottles are held against throats, stools are poised ready to strike.
>And all it took was you referring to them by their stupid words.
>You manage to stave off the urge to facepalm to deal with the situation at hand.
“Alright, this needs to stop.”
>”Damn straight it does! Every night our mares harp on about how they’re lusting after you. This stupid contest could mean the end of every relationship in Ponyville!”
“Believe me, I know. That’s why I’m trying my hardest to stop this. But you need to help me. If you dislike it, vote for me. That’s how we can stop this.”
>This seems to placate half of the stallions, who consequently let down their guard.
>One stallion takes this chance to break a bar stool over another’s head.
>”Sorry. My hoof slipped.”
>You glare at him.
>”Well what about the rest of us? We totally want a piece of your sweet ass.”
>A rather effeminate cheer goes up from the remaining stallions who are all looking rather lustfully at you.
>Shit, you’re going to have to think fast.
>You blurt out the first thing that comes into your head.
“Uh, well... If you think I’m good, you should check out this!”
>You thrust Pinkie towards the crowd of horny stallions.
>”Huh? Wha? Me?”
“Y-yeah! And Fluttershy!”
>”W-w-w-what?” Fluttershy stammers quietly.
“Yeah! Fluttershy used to be a model! And Pinkie? Well who could deny that sweet, curvaceous ass. All those sweets go straight to her hips!”
>You jiggle Pinkie around in the air.
>Her flanks wobble in time with your motions.
>”Hey! I can’t find time to get to the gym, alright?”
“I know, Pinkie. It’s not a bad thing.”
>Pinkie blushes.
>”Oh gosh...”
>”So what are you proposing, Anon?”
“Uh... Take these ponies instead of me! There. Problem solved. Now you don’t need me at all! Fuck these ones as much as you like!”
>”W-wait!” Pinkie protests.
>You throw her into the middle of the baying crowd, which seems to have picked up some support from your stalwart supporters who know a good offer when they see one.
>”Anon! D-don’t leave us here!” Fluttershy pleads.
>And then it occurs to you.
>You were going to save the bitch who tried every day to stick dragon dildos up your arse and make you call them mommy.
>On top of that, this whole stupid competition is their idea anyway!
>Fuck it, you’re done!
“Yeah, I know you guys are happy. Have fun with them! I hear the yellow one likes anal! Don’t forget to vote for me later!”
>”ANON, WAIT! MMMPH!”
>Pinkie’s cries are silenced by a horrendously thick stallion schlong being shoved into her mouth.
>You stroll away, confident in the knowledge that you averted another crisis.
>Good job, Anon!

>After saving a baby in a speeding pram, stopping a carriage driver that was DUI and fighting off the giant octopus attack, it’s 6pm.
>You make your way back to the podium outside the town hall where the ponies have gathered once again.
>You straighten your collar and get on stage.
>Up beside you are Mayor Mare, a very woozy looking Rainbow Dash, a heavily plastered Applejack, a white Pegasus and a white earth pony who are being railed by a team of stallions in all of their orifices.
>They look very sticky.
>You surmise them to be Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie respectively.
“What happened to Rarity and Twilight?” You ask Mayor Mare.
>”Nopony has seen them since lunchtime. Seems Twilight was screaming something about arboreal trans-dimensional warpgates as she ran through town with a giant marshmallow being towed behind her.”
“Yeah, that certainly sounds like Twilight, alright. Well, are we ready to count the votes?”
>The present members of the Mane 6 give various grunts of consent to the best of their abilities.
>Pinkie’s is the funniest because when she does it, cum bubbles out of her nose.
>”Well then, without further ado, it’s time to announce the results!” Mayor Mare shouts.
>The crowd cheers.
>On cue, a pony that you assume to be the mayor’s aide hands the mayor a golden envelope.
>Your anticipation is through the roof as the mayor struggles to open the envelope with her clumsy hooves and tongue.
>And yet, quietly...
>You’re sure you won.
>You did so much for the town today!
>And the Mane 6 fucked up so badly!
>There’s no way you could lose!
>Oh no.
>There’s that queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach again.
>You just jinxed it.
>”And the winners of today’s contest by popular vote are... THE MANE SIX!”
>The crowd erupts in deafening applause and cheering.
“LET ME SEE THAT!”
>You snatch the piece of paper from Mayor Mare’s hooves.
>The piece of paper is plain and easy to read.
>Anon: 0 votes.
>Ponies: 9001 votes.
>You’re absolutely flabbergasted.
>You look down to the front of the crowd.
>There stands little Ruby Pinch.
“Et tu, Ruby?”
>”Hey, don’t blame me, Anon. I asked my mommy and she said that I should do it to get more scratches.”
>CURSE THESE MAGIC HANDS OF YOURS!
>You look back to the ponies that caused all of this mess.
>Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and Fluttershy have all taken their various forms of karmic backlash for this whole idea.
>At least you can safely say that you won’t have to fuck any of them any time soon.
>”Well, ready to get started?” Mayor Mare offers, sidling up to you.
>You shudder and cringe.
“Alright, fine. You guys won. Ruby, get up here.”
>And that’s the story of how you got fucked over by the residents of Ponyville.
>Literally.

The End