Mental Health Thoughts

Hey guys. Its Zlow. I've been holding in a lot of thoughts ever since the Etika situation. Granted, I don't know every detail of his situation but I do know every detail of my situation, and I think I should share my thoughts because maybe it'll save someone's life, prevent someone from ending up like me, or maybe even just educate someone.

I think its obvious from some of my stream moments or chat moments where I just randomly blow up at small things that my mental health/mental stability is very... Not good. This isn't an excuse or justification, this is just how it is. And I should be judged like everyone else. Anyway, back to my whole point.

The etika situation kinda reminds me of my own, except obviously his was worse, clearly. As I'm still here and he's not. Seeing how it went (as an outsider, please don't take this as fact) was that he had mental breaks, and clearly put out cries for help. The response to his cries for help was being sent to a rehab center for a bit, and then when he came back he'd hide it until the next break, go back in, repeat until one time the break was final. Now, again, I'm not saying his family didn't offer any personal help, I don't know anything other than what was public. But to me, it looks like he needed help and got the wrong kind. And from personal experience, I feel like the wrong help is worse than no help. I'll now explain my personal situation, and why this had effected me so much that I've decided to out myself and explain stuff.

Sophomore year, due to many situations I cannot explain, I was in the worst mental state I've ever been  in. I was cutting, taking double doses of meds for really no reason at all, sleeping any time I wasn't at school, hardly eating sometimes, over eating at other times until I got sick, (and back then it wasnt due to money issues LOL) stopped trying in school, and kinda gave up on a lot of things. Eventually, I started leaving cries for help everywhere. etika randomly did things to get his channel deleted, I left my bloodied shirts in the laundry for my parents to find, rather than hiding them in my closet or washing them myself so they wouldn't find em.

I was clearly crying for help, just wanting to be talked to as a person, to find the help I needed and wanted.

My parents did not reach out to me. They did not even talk to me. One of the days I slept late through school, and my mom came home. (I slept through school pretty regularly, part of insomnia + oversleeping) My mom came into my room and told me she was going to take me to lunch. I got dressed and got into the car with her. We got carls jr through the drive through. I just went along with it and we started eating while she drove. It wasnt until I finished eating that I realized that we had been driving for a long time. I asked where we were going, and she said "you'll see" so I just relaxed and went along with it.

Before I knew it, we were at a hospital. I was being asked several questions about whether or not I wanted to kill myself, and a ton more very sudden questions. Before I could understand what was happening, I was stripped, checked, inspected, put in a gown, my phone was taken from me, and I was put in a hospital room with no one around me, no one to talk to, no way to communicate with the outside world. I was alone and locked away. It was several minutes before my family was in the room. I was told that I would not be allowed to leave, I would be shipped off to Aurora Behavioral Treatment Center when they had a bed for me. I waited for days in the hospital. The hospital only let you eat with a spoon. No forks or knives. I felt like a monster, like a prisoner, like I was too fucked up to be accepted anywhere. It was dehumanizing. They finally found a bed for me after a few days, I was strapped to a gurney and transported via ambulance. I was strapped down to the gurney until we were in Aurora. I was then let down to talk to a counselor with my parents. I said I was fine (mostly cuz I was terrified and wanted to go home) but my mom handed them a manila folder. In the manila folder were printed out screenshots of every single suicidal/depressing/angry post I had made in the years of being on the site. Song lyrics, memes, shitposts, genuine feelings, everything. It was all there. There was nothing I could say to change anyone's mind after that. I was taken to a room. Given a roommate, had all my everything stripped from me... Again. No shoes because no shoe laces, nothing with elastic, etc etc etc. Crazy strict rules (but they made sense obviously). it was really dehumanizing tbh. I was in this facility for nearly 2 weeks. The food was fucking dank, but other than that everything sucked. Although I have some INSANE stories.

After nearly 2 weeks of complete isolation from my family and friends, other than a 30 minute visitation period oer day. But I never saw or heard from my friends because my family were always the 3 visitors, not anyone I actually wanted to see.

I got out 2 days before my birthday. When I got my phone I checked my phone so I could see who of my friends contacted me to see who noticed I was gone. To see who actually cared, to reassure them that I was fine.

Not a single person.

2 people, my best friends at the time, had messaged my mom to see if I was fine, and I'm still friends with them to this day. But other than that? No one. Not a single person. I went from feeling isolated because I couldn't talk to anyone, to knowing that I was isolated and that no one would miss me if I vanished. Because it literally happened lol. I vanished and no one cared.

After being dehumanized for weeks, locked away, isolated from everything I cared about, I came back to a world that did not miss or want me around. I felt like an outsider. I dropped out of high school because I felt so shunned, I holed up and never left my room. I lost my relationship with my parents. Because I spited them for ruining me, and they spited me for not being the smart, successful kid they wanted. I spited them for not even asking me, for not even telling me. Not even a warning. I spent my birthday alone, I spent months alone. I became unable to form any form of personal bond or connection with anyone. I lost my ability to care for people. I became completely different. I didn't learn to deal with my emotions, I learned to hide them. I learned to not let anyone know how I felt. But I stopped cutting! That's good! I became a recluse, only showing up to my coding program I eventually got accepted into. I felt fine there. No one knew my history, and I excelled. I found a passion, and eventually begun finding myself again.

To this day, however, I find it extremely difficult to form relationships or friendships. I get panicky whenever I'm alone with my mom or whenever I hear the garage door. I get panicky and clingy in friendships that I do manage to form. I overthink everything. I'm scared of hospitals.

Please don't get this wrong. My parents did what they thought was right. They tried to help. They did what they thought was best. I love them for trying.

My point in posting this is that the wrong help can be more harmful than no help at all. If your loved one or friend is going through a really bad mental state, please, please talk to them. Don't just send them off to get fixed. That's not how it works. We are not toys who just need to be sent to a repair shop. We are people. We need help. Please talk to your loved one. Talk to them about how THEY want to get help. Ask them what THEY feel they need. Being abducted will only make it worse. Please talk to them. They will probably resist the conversation, but if they leave cries for help, its because they need it. If they are leaving cries for help, encourage them to talk. Comfort them. Dont abandon them.

To end this on a happy note, I guess I'll say how I've gotten better. Through the melee and metroid prime speedrunning communities, I've been able to form friendships, bonds, and feel part of something again. I've been in a (Long distance) relationship for 13 months, and have learned to actually open up to someone, I've been learning not to project my past onto the people in my present. I've been learning about my emotions and how to cope with them. I'm not going to tell you I'm all better, perfectly fine, but I'm getting there. And progress, no matter how small, is important.

Lastly, if you know me IRL or online, please do not feel the need to treat me differently because of this. Please treat me normally. I did not make this pastebin because I wanted pity, I did not make it for me. I Made it in the hopes that others can learn.

Love you guys,
-Zlow