EFFECT thinks he can't be a pro any longer, or someone in the spotlight. He pretended to be okay but it's been piling up.
He thought about what was making things so hard on him and came to the conclusion that it was the burden/responsibility of being a pro. He could try to not let it get to him, but that's unfortunately not his personality. He can't just get over things easily.
He was pretending not to notice that he was breaking down, but he can't anymore. He feels really bad when he starts missing shots, even when he knows his aim is good. Because of this when he tries to play he can only go for about 2-3 hours before turning the game off. But he can't take not playing/practicing either.
Because of his personality he didn't feel like he could talk about this to anyone. He doesn't really get along with his family, and although some of his closest friends know, he doesn't want to cause trouble for them. He's not good at talking face to face but feels like he can talk about it on stream.
He can't ignore the comments he gets on things like his youtube. He had confidence before so he would just laugh at the hate comments, but not anymore. Each one gets to him. He doesn't know why he's gotten so weak.
He's been debating for months whether to talk about this because it would become a big deal, but he feels like he has no choice but to talk about it to feel better. He said he's a bit of a sociopath, which negatively affected his relationships growing up. He definitely has close friends, but that only happened because they were nice and accepted him even though he was a bad person. He would write a lot of angry comments in retaliation whenever he was offended. He fixed a lot of it while growing up, but people don't change easily.
When he first started streaming he tried so hard to change and be a positive player. He encouraged team mates and tried his best not to tilt. "But look at me now". His negative personality came back. He knows himself well, so he made sure not to get close to people. Because he knows his terrible personality. He fought with his parents and played games all day. He became a pro through his skill and not because he was a good team mate. You see all the criticism- "Effect is toxic", "Effect isn't a good team mate". He says they're right. He knows that himself the best. So he can't say anything back. It would be better if he didn't realise this, but he knows. And he can't fix it. He doesn't know why. Even when he takes medication it doesn't fix the problem.
Even if he goes back to Dallas he'll only cause trouble, and probably won't be able to return to his previous form. When he remembers back to when he would yell and scream at his team he feels so sorry he wants to die. Just because they lost a game, he was so horrible to them, ruining the mood. He shouldn't be playing team games.
He then talks a LOT about the whole situation with Senika (his girlfriend). Not going to translate all of this as it isn't as related to Effect's pro career and gets a bit too intense and personal. But the gist is that he broke up with her because she mainly just wants to have fun and isn't thinking about the future, while he can't see himself supporting them when his short career as a pro ends. She breaks down a bit and doesn't take it well. In frustration he threatens to air out the dirty laundry if she keeps this up. She gets so scared that she attempts suicide and ends up in hospital. Effect apologised profusely to her because he knew he shouldn't have threatened her. This whole experience really messes with Effect. They got back again but fought every day. They broke up again, this time for good.
He has thought about suicide before. Even put a knife on his wrist. But then he would get too scared. He couldn't find a solution to his problems, but he was too scared to die.
Feels better now that he's talked about it on stream.
Ends off by saying that he may try to return if he ever recovers from this situation and gets his mental condition under control. But he thinks that day probably won’t come.