[Proofreading] Naga Expansion Proofreading/Critique

So i get the impression a big issue with Nephila content is that it was all written and coded without ever posting it for feedback and it has made me substantially more concerned about the naga anon.

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>the Naga looks over your body with strange intent. Her strange eyes, glowing neon green pupils within lime green iris within pine green 'whites',  stare down towards you as if looking into your soul iteslf.
My goodness, that green on green on green.
Strange intent with strange eyes.
iteslf
I am already more worried.
Here's the link I'm reading from: https://pastebin.com/6wqsSDsy

>Instead of sightly elongated S sounds or the strange hissing you've come to know of their kind, you find that her speech was like yours, but with some slight softening of sounds, as if speaking through soft fabrics.
>As strange as she sounds in your head, you are surprised at how she doesn't hold her S sounds as much as she did before. You aren't quite sure why you thought that would make any sense
It brings up the S-pectations twice.

>you realize that it is the Naga lady from before…what was her name again… Zahra?
Why the elipses and forgetfulness? No real reason why this wouldn't happen soon after the initial meeting.

>You quickly move up behind her and wrap your" + player.armsDescript(0) + "around her belly. You can feel her tense up momentarily, before recognizing that it's you and turning herself towards your face.
Aren't the naga really sensitive to the vibration in the sand? It implies you're sneaking up on her, but how do you get that close without her noticing and turning around?

>stopping as your " + player.TorsoDescription() +" shivers in the desert air.");"<i>Oh dear; it seems my little one has grown quite cold, haven’t they?
Unless it's at night, wouldn't the desert air be pretty darn warm? More importantly, the sun beating down would bake those nips. Why are you shivering and cold?

>Sticking out her tongue, she wraps that around the tip of your ears and licks at your " (player.EarsDescript(0)) )}outputText("A gasp of pleasure escapes your lips as the naga strokes and licks at your " + player.EarsDescript(0) + ", her talented fingers and tongue bringing you into further state of arousal.
Seems repetitive

>The naga stops her ear caressing and takes your hands to her own, pressing her fingers between your own.
Feels clunky. Perhaps The naga stops caressing your ear, instead moving her hands to your own, slipping her fingers between yours.
Trying to avoid using own twice in the same sentence, though it still doesn't feel perfect.

>She slowly starts to slide rub her hands over yours, using her tongue to bring some of her saliva and lubricate them. Once she is satisfied with your hand's slickness, she quickens her pace.
What. Why is she licking all over your hands? What the hell is this leading to?

>At your limit instantly, you let out gasps as you cum past her hands and into the sand.
Oh you just cum shortly after. Why did she need to slick your hands?


>"<i>I think someone enjoyed that, didn’t they?</i>\" she whispers into your ear as she starts kissing you again.
Nevermind, this keeps going. I feel like this is drawing out a bit without enough player-input, could feel very uninteractive.

>Eventually, it appears that the Naga is satisfied, and she stops, patting your head as signs to stop.
Using stops and then follows with stop, too repetitive

>placing her hands on your  " + player.buttDescript() + " gently holding you in place as her tail moves closer to your " + player.buttDescript(0) + "
Refering to the butt with the parser twice in the same sentence. Generally want to use each parser only once in a given paragraph, though it could sound weird regardless here. "places hands on your butt as her tail moves to your butt" It's weird.
I still haven't found out why she needed to slobber all over your hands. She was satisfied with making them slick, but why? What for? Pages later and this has not been brought back up.

>There' s no denying that this feeling, while strange and new, is one that you would like experiencing. Her tail continues to flick and rub your " + player.buttDescript() + "
I don't see a code check for whether or not the player is an anal virgin. What if this isn't new? This might just be the average afternoon for the player.
Also that butt descript parser is called 5 times in one paragraph. It's probably not as obnoxious as the cock descript since that gushes far more details, but I feel like this may be excessive. I'd have to read the result in-game to really know.

>She begins to rub the tip of her tail up and down along your " + player.buttDescript(0) + ", and you finally understand her intentions.
The scene is STILL NOT OVER. This would be at least the perfect time to put in a "woah woah wait don't put it in me bum, miss" option. Nope, just another paragraph to follow. This is really distancing from interactive fiction to just reading. I'm too ADD for scenes that drag on like this.
>>>Eventually after some heavy ass-fuck you had no ability to avoid because you can't even just have a conversation with this woman

>In time, if you want, I could show you my Sietch Al Simurgh, my Village of Simurgh. But be warned; our kind, The Naga People of the Arrakan-Saṃsāra Clan, do not allow unwanted entry towards the corrupted, even young ones like you
That's some word vomit right there. I'd like it if I didn't have my consent just *assumed* and get a tail shoved in my ass
Also this stuff is more of a headache to review with all the code around it. I tried.


If I've anything to say positive about the naga, it's that this is several realms better than bimbo jojo. My goodness, it's like platinum S-rank magnum opus when compared to Joy.

Time for more review.

>doNext(camp.returnToCampUseHalfHour);  //Return to camp, half hour used
What. Why half? That's so unusual, what else in the game spends half an hour? How ironic that super long sex scene takes half the time of a typical one.

>//[Add 'Ring From Zahra' to key items. KEY ITEM ZAHRA’S RING ALLOWS ACCESS INTO: NAGAVILLAGE AKA SEITCH SIMURGH. RING REDUCES INITIAL CORRUPTION AND RESISTS CORRUPTION BY 5% PLUS FLAT RATE AT .5% PER LEVEL. EXAMPLE IS PLAYER LEVEL 1+BIANCA’S RING MEANS 5% CORRUPTON REMOVAL UPON RECIVING RING AND 5.5% CORRUPTION RESISTANCE FROM THEN ON UNTIL PC LEVEL 2, WHICH GRANTS TOTAL 6% CORRUPTION RESISTANCE, UNTIL MAX AT LEVEL 10 AT 10% CORRUPTON RESISTANCE
Wow, that's a lot of corruption resistance for something you get so easily, so early, from one of the basic 4 areas.

>>rest of that document is a variant of the scene I reviewed for "limbless" shotas

Moving onto…

> //Will you let Zahra have her little one as her treat? AKA SNEK VOER TIEM?
I shouldn't review this because I hate vore but I'm also morbidly curious. Link: https://pastebin.com/s61ZKBHR

>"You’ve always sort of wondered about where food goes after you eat and before you transform; with blushing cheeks and being rather shy, you say this to Zahra, whose lips curl into a happy, small smile as she replies,
This sentence gets pretty long, also makes me want to die but that's my fault.

>'Well, do you want me to teach you about how your belly works? Little darlings shouldn’t be shy when they want lessons on these things. Come here and lay in my coils, I’ll give you an unforgettable first hand lesson about the digestive tract!
This is with shotas in mind. Is this really what vore fetishists want ,though?

>The Desert Maiden leans against the nearby pillows jutting from her mountains of cushions, carefully unlacing her leather armor, slightly jiggling her tightly-covered Durians with each moment.
Real critique now. "The Desert Maiden" should only be capitalized if that's an official title for her, which I assume is not. "Durians" should not be capitalized.The sentence also seems to drag on a bit

>You ease forward, as she starts licking her moist, plump lips, as you are already ensnared by Zahra’s inadvertent strip-tease.
This is very awkwardly worded. "You ease forward, already ensnared by Zahra's strip-tease as she begins licking her moist, plump lips."

>removes the light armor, setting it down inside the nearby bedroom training dummy.
Inside?

>A moment later, her sand-tanned hands are pulling the offending garment off and away from your view into the clothing chest at the foot of her bed, her breasts bouncing around like milk filled cantaloupes.
Again, these sentences tend to feel real long. And you sure do like your fruit comparisons, naga-anon.

>You stop and stare at them, having not seen many breasts before
THIS IS IN THE NAGA VILLAGE, ACTUALLY A LOT OF TIME HAS PASSED TO GET THIS FAR, IN COC, THE LAND OF SEX. WHAT PLAYER HASN'T SEEN MANY BREASTS BY THIS POINT


>Zahra giggles, snapping you from your reverie – you're sitting inches away from those sweat-glazed orbs, and you jerk your head back.
Feels kind of disjointed at the end. I feel that could flow better. "You're sitting inches away from those sweat-glazed orbs before Zahra's giggling snaps you from your reverie, causing you to jerk back on reflex."

>Zahra sticks out her tongue, wiggling the appendage with waves of motion, as you see it had snake-like shape with human-like thickness, drooling drops of saliva strings upon your face with every waggle, before she starts licking your cheeks, ears and forehead, wetting every part with globs of shiny slime.
THESE SENTENCES ARE SO LONG.  "had snake-like shape" was supposed to be has
Her saliva is slimy. The fuck, man. I think that's actually a vore thing, though.

>No need for any sauce, I like my food naked…</i>”
It's several sentences off from when you strip, though, and there doesn't seem to be any sauce analog for this, so it just feels kinda weird.

>If at any point you feel that you are in danger, just shout, and I will stop everything.
<Doesn't give the player any button to press to stop this shitshow
<I'm still screaming but the text won't go away

>Zhara's jaw makes a series of clicking sounds as it unhinges, and her mouth moves right above you. Looking up, you can see the wet tunnel that you will soon be going through as the hungry reptile slowly lowers her maw toward you.
This thing vore does where a normal-sized person eats another normal-sized person is so fucking stupid and I can't handle it.
>>Several run-on sentences and gross detail about being swallowed and loving it

>Now that we've both had our first taste, I'm sure that the next meal will be more exciting
I'm gonna not read the next one.
Still, this is better than bimbo Jojo.