Beard Wizard Anon

Jul 10th, 2013
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  1. >Your name is Anonymous, you’ve been living in Equestria for a little over a year now.
  2. >So far as you know you are the only human to have ever lived here, but the ponies have been welcoming nonetheless.
  3. >They’d even grown to like you, considering all you’ve done for them since your arrival.
  4. >Since you were taken in by the ponies, you decided to repay their hospitality to the fullest extent you could with the use of your powers.
  5. >For you are not some ordinary human. No.
  6. >You are a Beard Wizard.
  7. >Your beard possesses powers the likes of which no being could comprehend. It confounded even Princess Celestia’s vast intellect.
  8. >As you stroll through Ponyville’s market returning the friendly waves of ponies, you bump into a good friend of yours, Spike.
  9. “Morning Spike, how are you this fine day?”
  10. >He looks at you glumly.
  11. >”Rarity just turned me down again. No matter what I do it’s always the same.”
  12. >You stroke your beard thoughtfully as you ponder Spike’s problem.
  13. >Aha! Spike’s problem is that he doesn’t possess any facial hair! He’d never get a girl with a baby face like that!
  14. >After a moment of concentration your beard begins to write, the power contained within it activating at your thoughts.
  15. >A small part of your considerable beard breaks away and drifts through the air over to spike, taking root around his mouth.
  16. >When the process is finished Spike is left standing with the suavest goatee ever to be sported by any male through history.
  17. >Spike gasps and holds up a small diamond he’d been carrying, admiring his reflection in its facets.
  18. >”Anon! This is like the coolest beard I’ve ever seen! Well, besides yours I mean. This is so great, thanks!” he says, practically hopping on the spot.
  20. “Well why don’t you go give Rarity another shot now?” you suggest. “Take that bad boy on a test drive?”
  21. >His eyes grow wide. “Oh man, there’s no way she’ll say no now!”
  22. >You give him a thumb up.
  23. “Go get ‘er, tiger.”
  24. >Spike whirls around and begins sprinting down the street back to Carousel Boutique.
  25. “Hey Spike!” you holler, just before he’s out of earshot.
  26. >Spike stops and turns around, curious.
  27. “Remember, with great beard comes great responsibility. Use your beard wisely.”
  28. >”I promise I’ll only use it for good, Anon!” he yells back.
  29. >You nod approvingly at him and he sets back off on his quest.
  30. >Spike’s a great kid, he’ll do well with that beard.
  31. >The sound of frantic flapping catches your attention.
  32. >You turn around to see Rainbow Dash speed up to you
  33. >”Anon, we need your help! There’s a colossal storm front coming out of the Everfree and we don’t have enough pegasi to contain it!”
  34. “We don’t have any time to waste then! Show me the way!”
  35. >”It’s this way, follow me!” she says, darting off.
  36. >Your beard takes on the form of a helicopter and you follow after.
  38. >You arrive at the wild storm front with Rainbow Dash relatively quickly.
  39. >You show up to a scene of total chaos where the weather team fight a losing battle against the storm.
  40. >”Is there anything you can do, Anon? If we don’t stop this thing soon it’ll hit Ponyville and who knows what kind of damage it could do!”
  41. >You stare grimly at the scene before you, taking in the scene and trying to formulate a plan.
  42. >You have a sudden flash of inspiration and realize what you have to do.
  43. “Rainbow Dash, get your pegasi out of there. I’m going to try something.”
  44. >Rainbow Dash wastes no time signaling all her pegasi to back off.
  45. >”Anything else?”
  46. “Yes, I need to ride on your back for this. I’m going to need my entire beard for this one so I can’t fly while I do it.”
  47. >”Not a problem, hop on!”
  48. >You nod your thanks and your beard returns to its normal shape while you hop on the pegasus’ back.
  49. “Alright, hold on! This is gonna get bumpy!”
  50. >Rainbow nods and braces herself.
  51. >You concentrate and once more your beard begins to shape itself. It takes the form of a giant propeller facing the cloud.
  52. >The beard blades begin to spin, cutting through the air and casting a great gust of wind at the incoming storm.
  53. >When the propeller reaches a sufficient speed, your beard emits a high powered magical turbolaser that utterly obliterates the storm, effectively saving the day.
  54. >The ponies cheer and Pinkie throws a party for your victory.
  55. >Just another day.
  56. >”Um, Anon? Are bearded mares your fetish?”
  57. “No, Fluttershy, that is not my fetish.”
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