1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,303
     - MAKE NO MISTAKE...
- YOU GOT A DRUG TEST TOMORROW.

2
00:00:04,371 --> 00:00:06,405
      - DEATH IS NO JOKE.
        - [gasps]

3
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:09,441
    - EXCEPT ON THIS SHOW.
         - [laughing]

4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:13,145
- WE GOT A GUY WHO TRIED
TO BEAT A DRUG TEST, AND LOST...

5
00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:15,581
    AND A WOMAN WHO WISHES
        SHE NEVER TRIED

6
00:00:15,648 --> 00:00:17,916
     TO MARRY A TERRORIST.
    [jubilant shouts]

7
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:21,854
    HOW ABOUT THE ROOMMATE
    WHO GOT A KILLER TAN...

8
00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:25,657
    THE THUGS WHO GOT A BIG
          HEADS UP...

9
00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:29,395
  OR THERE'S THE FRENCH DUDE
      WHO LOST HIS HEAD.

10
00:00:29,462 --> 00:00:31,563
         AND FINALLY,
 FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE...

11
00:00:31,631 --> 00:00:35,300
  - I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.
      - A VERY BAD SANTA.

12
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,803
            - AAH!
     - THE JOKE'S ON THEM

13
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,406
    IN THIS NEXT EPISODE...
    [girls screaming]

14
00:00:40,473 --> 00:00:42,908
     OF <i>1000 WAYS TO DIE.</i>

15
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:02,961
     DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

16
00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:04,630
  MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

17
00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:07,299
     OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT
          OF ITS WAY.

18
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:11,670
 EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
    AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,

19
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:16,408
    INJURY, ILLNESS,
    AND CATASTROPHE.

20
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:19,445
     THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
    TO WIND UP DEAD.

21
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:22,881
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
         IS A MIRACLE.

22
00:01:22,949 --> 00:01:26,585
    BECAUSE EVERY DAY
      WE LIVE, WE FACE...

23
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:40,432
        THREE HOT BABES
LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE.

24
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:43,802
    THAT COULD BE A RECIPE
      FOR HORNY HARMONY.

25
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,638
      OR, IF ONE OF THEM
     HAPPENS TO BE SHELLY,

26
00:01:46,706 --> 00:01:48,073
          PURE HELL.

27
00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,843
    - SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEEN
    MYBLITTLE BLACK DRESS?

28
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:53,745
             - NO.

29
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:56,348
     - SHELLY WAS THE KIND
     OF ROOMMATE WHO ACTED

30
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,083
  AS IF EVERYTHING WAS HERS.

31
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:00,352
- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

32
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,321
      - SHE BORROWED HER
    ROOMIES' CLOTHES,

33
00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:03,989
        ATE THEIR FOOD,

34
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,058
        AND USED THEIR
    BEAUTY PRODUCTS.

35
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,993
        - SHELLY!

36
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,461
      - SOME PEOPLE HAVE
         A COMPULSION

37
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:11,396
        TO TOUCH
  OTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS.

38
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,398
      IT HAS A LOT TO DO
     WITH THE DOMINATION,

39
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,969
THE CONTROL THAT ONE WOULD HAVE
    OVER SOME PERSON.

40
00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:18,971
    IT'S ALMOST LIKE
     A NARCISSISTIC LEVEL,

41
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:21,673
    WHERE THEY BELIEVE THAT
     THINGS ARE DUE THEM.

42
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,442
  THAT "I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT
            TO THEM

43
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:25,210
AS THE PERSON THAT OWNS THEM."

44
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:29,815
    - ONE OF HER ROOMMATES
RECENTLY BOUGHT A TANNING BED.

45
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,984
      NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED
        TO GO NEAR IT.

46
00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:35,287
      SHELLY PRACTICALLY
         LIVED IN IT.

47
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:38,123
 ON THIS DAY, SHE FELL ASLEEP
        WHILE TANNING,

48
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:42,027
    AND GOT MORE THAN
      SHE BARGAINED FOR.

49
00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:44,229
      JUST A BAD SUNBURN,
         SHE THOUGHT.

50
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,664
            - OH...

51
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,399
    - SHE POPPED SOME
 OF HER ROOMIE'S PAIN-KILLERS

52
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:50,402
    TO SLEEP IT OFF.

53
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:54,072
    THE NEXT MORNING,
    SHELLY NEEDED A SPATULA

54
00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,175
      TO GET OUT OF BED.

55
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:59,578
  TURNS OUT WHAT SHE THOUGHT
      WAS MOISTURIZER...

56
00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,079
    - SHELLY, HAVEOU SEEN
        MY CREAM?

57
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,682
     - WAS HER ROOMMATE'S
     PSORIOSIS MEDICATION.

58
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:06,218
    IT CONTAINED PSORALEN,

59
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:08,754
  A CHEMICAL THAT MAKES SKIN
    HIGHLY SENSITIVE

60
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,189
      TO LIGHT AND HEAT.

61
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:12,024
    WHILE KNOCKED OUT
    ON PAIN-KILLERS,

62
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,560
      THE PSORALEN TURNED
    HER TANNING-BED SUNBURN

63
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:18,664
INTO SECOND-DEGREE BURNS
    ACROSS HER ENTIRE BODY.

64
00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:21,466
    - SHELLY, DID YOU TAKE
    MY PAIN-KILLERS?

65
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,968
             AAH!

66
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,804
        - SHE COLLAPSED
INTO HER ROOMMATE'S ARMS,

67
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,172
DEAD FROM HEART FAILURE.

68
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,575
        - [crying out]

69
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:32,711
- THE FACT THAT SHE USED
  THIS PSORALEN-BASED PRODUCT

70
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,346
     OVER HER ENTIRE BODY,

71
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:37,149
  WHICH THEN WAS ACCELERATED
    BY THE UV LIGHT,

72
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,418
          RESULTED IN
      SECOND-DEGREE BURNS

73
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:42,888
      OVER THE MAJORITY--
  ALMOST 100%--OF HER TORSO.

74
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,959
BY THE TIME SHE WOKE UP,
SHE HAD SIGNIFICANT DEHYDRATION,

75
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:49,828
      AND WITHIN MINUTES,
    SHE DIED OF HYPOVOLEMIC

76
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,930
    AND CARDIOGENIC SHOCK.

77
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:55,167
    - SHELLY WAS A DEADBEAT
      WHO BORROWED, USED,

78
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,669
      AND ATE HER FRIENDS
    OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

79
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,738
- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

80
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,241
      - IT'S FITTING THAT
    THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL

81
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:05,510
        WOUND UP BURNT
          TO A CRISP.

82
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:06,578
            - AAH!

83
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,680
         [crying out]

84
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:23,428
    [middle eastern music]

85
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:26,765
      - TANYA USED TO BE
  AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST

86
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,968
  WORKING THE MOST DANGEROUS
  PLACES IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

87
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:32,537
    BUT SHE LOST HER
         PERSPECTIVE.

88
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:36,842
    SHE DENOUNCED THE U.S.,
    BECAME A MUSLIM.

89
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:39,478
        AND NOW,
      TO SEAL THE DEAL...

90
00:04:39,545 --> 00:04:41,747
          - MY WIFE.
    [jubilant shouts]

91
00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:45,017
    - SHE'S ABOUT TO MARRY
     A TALIBAN TERRORIST.

92
00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,753
     - MOST OF THE PEOPLE
      THAT ARE RECRUITED

93
00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,221
        INTO TERRORIST
         ORGANIZATIONS

94
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,390
        ARE INDIVIDUALS
     WHO FEEL UNDERVALUED.

95
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:55,427
  AND THEY'RE EASILY ENTICED
INTO GOING INTO ANOTHER WORLD,

96
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,329
        WHERE THEY CAN
        NOT ONLY EXCEL,

97
00:04:57,397 --> 00:05:00,565
BUBE PART OF SOMETHING
THAT'S LARGER THAN LIFE.

98
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,100
  WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE,
         A BUS DRIVER

99
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:04,036
     OR A SUPER-TERRORIST?

100
00:05:04,103 --> 00:05:06,204
- A TERRORIST WEDDING IS
    A SIMPLE AFFAIR,

101
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:07,539
      FOR THE MOST PART.

102
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:11,376
     A LOT OF BEARDED MEN
AND OVERLY CLOTHED WOMEN

103
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:14,746
    SHOUTING ANDIRING OFF
THEIR CUTE LITTLE NOISEMAKERS.

104
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,281
        [gunfire]

105
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,483
     HAVING BEEN A SPOILED
     AND PAMPERED INFIDEL,

106
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:21,520
 TANYA WASN'T USED TO HANDLING
    ANYTHING AS HEFTY

107
00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:22,754
         AS AN AK-47.

108
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,089
        [all shouting]

109
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,925
    BUT SHE WAED TO SHOW
    SHE COULD <i>TALIBAN</i>

110
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,193
AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE.

111
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,462
all: SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!

112
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,698
        [all cheering]

113
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,334
    [panicked shouts]

114
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:46,812
    - SHE SHOULD HAVE STUCK
    WITH HER LAPTOP.

115
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:49,948
    ONE OF THE ROUNDS
 BOUNCED OFF A METAL PITCHER,

116
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:53,051
     AND DIDN'T STOP UNTIL
  IT BANGED AROUND HER SKULL,

117
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:55,554
    TURNING HER BRAIN
          INTO MUSH.

118
00:05:55,621 --> 00:05:57,823
      - WITH THE VELOCITY
         THAT IT HAD,

119
00:05:57,890 --> 00:06:00,425
     IT WAS ABLE TO ENTER
      E CRANIAL CAVITY,

120
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:03,161
      BUT DID NOT SUSTAIN
ENOUGH VELOCITY TO EXIT.

121
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,230
WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING IS
        IT BOUNCES OFF

122
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,932
EACH SIDE OF THE CRANIUM,

123
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,134
          LIKE A BALL
     IN A PINBALL MACHINE.

124
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,269
      THE RESULTING DEATH
         WOULD BE FROM

125
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,405
 MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE.

126
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:15,874
- TANYA WAS JUST ANOTHER
        BLEEDING HEART

127
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,576
    WHO WENT NATIVE.
          - MY WIFE.

128
00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:19,745
     - SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS
         GOING TO HELP

129
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:24,483
      OVERTHROW THE U.S.

130
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:28,353
IN THE END, SHE DID HER COUNTRY
        A HUGE FAVOR...

131
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,188
        BY DYING.

132
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,564
          COMING UP,
        TWO MILITIA MEN

133
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,733
    GET A SPECIAL DELIVERY,

134
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:45,737
  AND A MAFIOSO GETS TRASHED.
            - AAH!

135
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,517
     - THE U.N. ESTIMATES
    THAT AT LEAST 50%

136
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,118
    OF ALL RELIEF SUPPLIES
        IN AFRICA

137
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:02,421
          NEVER REACH
 THEIR INTENDED DESTINATIONS.

138
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,955
        [gunfire]

139
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,992
 IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S BECAUSE
    OF HEARTLESS BASTARDS,

140
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,427
        LIKE THESE TWO.

141
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,400
AHMED AND ALI ARE MEMBERS
OF A ROGUE MILITIA GROUP

142
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:16,902
          IN DARFUR.

143
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:20,705
     THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS
TERRORIZING THE WEAK AND HUNGRY.

144
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,578
- WE DROP RELIEF SUPPLIES
        FROM AIRPLANES

145
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,280
FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

146
00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:30,549
          ONE IS THAT
      IT'S TOO DANGEROUS

147
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:32,651
      TO PUT AID WORKERS
        IN HARM'S WAY.

148
00:07:32,718 --> 00:07:36,188
     AND THE THE SECOND IS
 THE TERRAIN DOESN'T ALLOW US

149
00:07:36,255 --> 00:07:38,356
 TO GET IN WITH LARGE TRUCKS.

150
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,725
      FIRST PEOPLE TO GET
    TO THE CONTAINERS

151
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,461
ARE THESE MILITIA GROUPS,

152
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:46,164
AND SO THERE'S A TENDENCY
TO DROP MORE THAN IS NECESSARY

153
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:49,167
      TO HELP ASSURE THAT
     SOME OF THE SUPPLIES

154
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,904
     REACH THE POPULATION
     THEY'RE INTENDED TO.

155
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:58,043
  - SINCE 2003, OVER 300,000
      HAVE DIED IN DARFUR

156
00:07:58,110 --> 00:07:59,444
        FROM STARVATION
         OR VIOLENCE.

157
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,449
        [gunfire]

158
00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:08,653
  AHMED AND ALI WOULD ALWAYS
CELEBRATE THEIR ACTS OF CRUELTY

159
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:11,690
BY GETTING FILTHY DRUNK.

160
00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:14,025
     WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
      IF PEOPLE THIS EVIL

161
00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:15,527
  GOT WHAT'S COMING TO THEM?

162
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,763
      [aircraft overhead]
  HOLD ON. WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

163
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:19,998
 - [speaking native language]

164
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:26,605
    - SAY HELLO TO TWO TONS
    OF INSTANT KARMA.

165
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:30,008
A RELIEF CONTAINER CHUTE
         DIDN'T OPEN,

166
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:36,047
    AND THE COSMIC UNIVERSE
DISPLAYED PERFECT AIM...

167
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:39,651
        BY DROPPING IT
        ON THEIR HEADS.

168
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,219
- THEY'RE STANDING THERE
        CASUALLY,

169
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,387
     AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
     OUT OF THE SKY COMES

170
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,190
         THIS TWO-TON,
    4,000-POUND BOX.

171
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,626
FIRST, IT'S GONNA HIT YOU
        IN THE HEAD...

172
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:50,662
     DRIVE YOUR SKULL DOWN
INTO YOUR CERVICAL SPINE,

173
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,231
    BREAK YOUR NECK,
CRUSH YOUR HEART AND YOUR LUNGS.

174
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,636
  WITH BROKEN BONES ALL OVER,
  A RAG DOLL, LIMP AND DEAD.

175
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:01,706
      - CAUSE OF DEATH...
        TAKE YOUR PICK.

176
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,543
 IT AHMED AND ALI WERE ALLOWED
    TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE

177
00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:09,180
    AND SEE HOW THEIR LIVES
         WOULD END...

178
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:11,283
      THEY'D BE CRUSHED.

179
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,297
 LOOK UP AT ANY CITY SKYLINE,

180
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,566
      AND YOU CAN BE SURE
        OF ONE THING--

181
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:30,602
SOMEBODY MANNING A CRANE
    HELPED BUILD IT.

182
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,640
     RAMON HAD THE SKILLS
    TO PAY THE BILLS.

183
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:38,343
    BUT HE WAS A BIG
        CRANE OPERATOR

184
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,314
      WITH A BIG SECRET.

185
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:44,215
PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDER
        GOT HIM THROUGH

186
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:47,252
    HIS LONG AND HARD
          WORK DAYS.

187
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,555
EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTIL
  HIS FOREMAN DROPPED A BOMB.

188
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,457
        - RAMON.
            - WHAT?

189
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:53,825
     - YOU GOT A DRUG TEST
        TOMORROW.

190
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:57,095
     - THIS WAS NO SIMPLE
          URINE TEST.

191
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,297
        CRANE OPERATORS
        HAVE TO UNDERGO

192
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,666
    A FULL BLOOD ANALYSIS.

193
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:05,670
     BUT RAMON HAD AN ACE
        UP HIS SLEEVE.

194
00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:07,405
        - RAMON!
            - WHAT?

195
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,709
  - HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A COOK
        AT A HOSPITAL.

196
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,310
- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED.
      I'VE GOT THE BLOOD,

197
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,912
     I'VE GOT THE NEEDLES.

198
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,848
  - SHE WAS ABLE TO SNEAK OUT
    A BAG OF BLOOD--

199
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,351
      THE SAME BLOOD TYPE
            AS HIS.

200
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:22,153
          HIS PLAN...
BRING THE BLOOD TO WORK,

201
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,322
  AND RIGHT BEFORE THE TEST,

202
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,524
      RUN THE CLEAN BLOOD
        INTO HIS BODY.

203
00:10:26,592 --> 00:10:30,228
          - OH, HEY.

204
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:31,963
  DON'T FORGET THAT DRUG TEST
        THIS AFTERNOON.

205
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:33,531
    - OH, YEAH, YEAH.

206
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:36,468
      I'M READY TO DONATE
        ALL DAY.

207
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:40,005
     - IN THIS SITUATION,
THIS INDIVIDUAL BELIEVED

208
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,774
      THAT HE COULD CHEAT
        THE BLOOD TEST

209
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,943
        BY DILUTING OUT
      THE COCAINE SAMPLE,

210
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:46,478
    WHICH IS FOOLISH.

211
00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:48,146
          IT'S NOT--
      IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

212
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,849
    - AS PLANS GO, THIS ONE
     HAD MORE HOLES IN IT

213
00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:52,050
     THAN A JUNKIE'S ARM.

214
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,284
          - SUCKERS.

215
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:56,187
        - FOR EXAMPLE,
  HIS GIRLFRIEND WARNED HIM--

216
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,223
      - IT CAN'T BE COLD.
          - I GET IT.

217
00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:00,225
- OR ELSE YOU COULD DIE,
             OKAY?

218
00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:02,827
- BUT RAMON WAS TOO HIGH
          TO LISTEN.

219
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:06,498
     HE FED THE COLD BLOOD
        INTO HIS VEIN,

220
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:09,501
     AND AS SOON AS IT HIT
         HIS HEART...

221
00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,770
      HE WAS LIGHTS OUT.

222
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,938
        - IF BLOOD KEPT
         AT 38 DEGREES

223
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,440
         IS TRANSFUSED
        INTO THE BODY,

224
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,175
THIS COULD HAVE A SERIOUS
         SIDE EFFECT,

225
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,110
ESPECIALLY ON THE HEART.

226
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,880
IT CAN AFFECT THE NATURAL
    PACEMAKER OF THE HEART,

227
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,215
LEADING THE HEART TO HAVE
     IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS,

228
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:26,918
     WHICH THULD THEN LEAD
  TO VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION

229
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:32,957
 AND VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA,
    WHICH ARE DEADLY.

230
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,160
    - EVEN CRANE OPERATORS
         NEED A LIFT.

231
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:38,263
        RAMON JUST USED
    THE WRONG SUBSTANCE...

232
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,231
      HAD THE WRONG PLAN
    TO BEAT THE TEST.

233
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:41,332
          - SUCKERS.

234
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,368
    - THE ONLY THING
        HE GOT RIGHT...

235
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,503
            DYING.

236
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,451
          GET A LOAD
    OF THIS UGLY MUG.

237
00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:01,986
     HIS NAME IS CARMINE.

238
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,156
HE'S A WISE GUY WHO TOOK A FALL
         FOR THE DON,

239
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,392
     SO HE'S BEEN SERVING
      A TWO-YEAR SENTENCE

240
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,127
FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

241
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,296
    - WE FIND THAT YOU ARE
  SUFFICIENTLY REHABILITATED

242
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,531
        TO GO OUT
  ON A WORK-RELEASE PROGRAM.

243
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:16,468
    - CARMINE HAD CONVINCED
        EVERYONE

244
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:20,939
         HE WAS READY
     TO CLEAN UP HIS ACT.

245
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:23,241
     SO THE DON CALLED IN
            A FAVOR

246
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:27,045
     AND GOT CARMINE A JOB
CLEANING UP THE STREETS.

247
00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:32,317
 BUT CARMINE HAD NO INTENTION
  OF GETTING HIS HANDS DIRTY.

248
00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:34,619
      - HEY, THIS IS HOW
        IT'S GONNA BE.

249
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,054
 YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE THE TRUCK.

250
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:37,088
     YOU'RE GONNA TAKE OUT
          THE TRASH.

251
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:39,557
            AND ME,
     I'M GONNA SUPERVISE.

252
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:42,093
        - YEAH, RIGHT.

253
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:43,661
 - WHEN THE PROBATION OFFICER
            GO OUT

254
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:45,897
TO CHECK ON A DEFENDANT,

255
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:49,234
     AND IF THE DEFENDANT
     IS NOT DOING HIS JOB,

256
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:51,002
THEN HE CAN GET VIOLATED
  AND RETURNED BACK TO COURT.

257
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:53,238
    THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES
  RIGHT BACK INTO SQUARE ONE,

258
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:54,672
      WHICH MEANS PRISON.

259
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,641
    - ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME
        WITH THIS ONE?

260
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,076
            - NOPE.

261
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:03,314
- CARMINE DID A LOT OF...
          <i>SUPERVISING.</i>

262
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,750
BUT HE WAS QUICK TO SING
    A DIFFERENT TUNE

263
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:07,118
     AROUND HIS PROBATION
        OFFICER.

264
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:08,353
- THINGS HAVE BEEN GREAT
    FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

265
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,254
        LET ME SHOW YOU
     WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING.

266
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:10,755
    - AS HE WAS SHOWING OFF

267
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:12,624
      HOW HARD HE WORKED,

268
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:16,828
      CARMINE'S CO-WORKER
         WAS TALKING.

269
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,129
    CARMINE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
          A WISE GUY,

270
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:19,430
BUT HE WASN'T TOO SMART.

271
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,866
    PERHAPS IF HE HAD
         ACTUALLY DONE

272
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,169
    SOME OF THE HARD LABOR,

273
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:27,071
CARMINE WOULD HAVE KNOWN
          HOW TO LOCK

274
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,641
     THE DUMPSTER'S WHEELS
        IN PLACE.

275
00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:36,247
            - AAH!

276
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,450
      [Carmine groaning]

277
00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:45,223
        - HEY...
     BADA BING, BADA BOOM.

278
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:47,992
    - THIS DUMPSTER WEIGHED
          500 POUNDS.

279
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,461
    IT HAD 300 POUNDS
     OF GARBAGE INSIDE IT.

280
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:53,198
      IT WAS TRAVELING AT
    OVER 15 MILES PER HOUR.

281
00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:56,534
    THIS IS MORE THAN
    12,000 UNITS OF FORCE.

282
00:13:56,602 --> 00:13:57,969
    WHEN THE SHARP SECTION
        ON THE DUMPSTER

283
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:02,073
    HIT THIS MAN'S MIDRIFF,
 IT CAUSED THE GUT TO RUPTURE.

284
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,742
  AND ALL THE CONTENTS WOULD
    JUST GET EXTRUDED OUT.

285
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:08,179
  AND HE EFFECTIVELY EXPLODED
        THTO DEATH.

286
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:10,949
    - CARMINE MADE PAROLE,

287
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,118
         AND WENT BACK
     TO HIS BAD BEHAVIOR.

288
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:16,688
      HE HAD NO INTENTION
OF TAKING OUT THE TRASH,

289
00:14:16,755 --> 00:14:18,122
        SO THE TRASH...

290
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,626
            - AAH!

291
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,696
        - TOOK HIM OUT!

292
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:34,806
        UP NEXT,
THE FRENCH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN...

293
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,941
     A LITTLE LIGHTHEADED.

294
00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:40,111
      AND YOU STILL THINK
         SANTA'S REAL?

295
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,279
     - YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?
             - OH!

296
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:42,814
      - YOU'RE NOT GONNA
         BELIEVE THIS.

297
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,748
            - AAH!

298
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:56,561
     - NATHANIEL IS A MAN
         ON A MISSION.

299
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,897
    THE YEAR IS 1925.

300
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:02,367
         THE LOCATION,
        A PARIS PRISON.

301
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:04,502
    NATHANIEL IS DETERMINED
          TO ABOLISH

302
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,872
ONE OF HISTORY'S MOST NOTORIOUS
    METHODS OF EXECUTION...

303
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,074
    [speaking French]

304
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:15,680
        THE GUILLOTINE.

305
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,983
     DON'T WASTE YOUR PITY
         ON THIS GUY.

306
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:21,252
    IF NICHOLAS WAS GUILTY
         OF ONLY HALF

307
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,421
     THE MURDERS AND RAPES
    HE'S ACCUSED OF,

308
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:27,458
    HE WOULD STILL DESER
            TO DIE.

309
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,161
 - THE GUILLOTINE WAS INVENTED
        IN 1792,

310
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:33,831
    AND REPLACED THE AXE AS
A MORE HUMANE FORM OF EXUTION.

311
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:37,068
    THE HEAVY, ANGLED BLADE
SLICED THROUGH THE VICTIM'S NECK

312
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,536
     QUICKLY AND CLEANLY.

313
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,606
     GUILLOTINE EXECUTIONS
     WERE COMMON IN FRANCE

314
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,408
FOR OVER THREE CENTURIES,

315
00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:46,044
    WITH THE LAST ONE
     TAKING PLACE IN 1977.

316
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,817
    - NATHANIEL HAS GOTTEN
          PERMISSION

317
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,753
     FROM PRISON OFFICIALS
    AND FROM NICHOLAS

318
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:58,289
      TO STUDY HIS HEAD,
  RIGHT AFTER BEING SEVERED.

319
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,232
      NATHANIEL BELIEVES,
          AS MANY DO,

320
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,501
        THAT THE BRAIN
     RETAINS CONSCIOUSNESS

321
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:14,906
FOR SEVERAL SECONDS AFTER
THE BLADE DOES ITS DIRTY WORK.

322
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,975
    IF THIS WAS TRUE,
  THE ARGUMENT COULD BE MADE

323
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,610
THAT DEATH BY GUILLOTINE
         WAS INHUMANE.

324
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,384
     THE BIG MOMENT CAME.

325
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:31,122
NATHANIEL STARED INTO THE EYES
     OF THE SEVERED HEAD.

326
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:34,025
- SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN DEBATING
THIS QUESTION FOR YEARS.

327
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,861
THE LACK OF BRAIN TRAUMA
      BY GUILLOTINE MEANS

328
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,896
THERE IS THE POSSIBILITY
 THAT THEY MAY BE ABLE TO SEE,

329
00:16:38,964 --> 00:16:42,300
     HEAR, OR EVEN SENSE,
     EVEN UP TO A MINUTE.

330
00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:43,534
     THERE IS STILL BLOOD
         IN THE BRAIN.

331
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,869
     THERE'S STILL OXYGEN.

332
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,505
AND HE COULD BE CONSCIOUS
         UNTIL HE DIED

333
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,073
     FROM LACK OF OXYGEN.

334
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:53,177
     - NICHOLAS. NICHOLAS!
        NICHOLAS!

335
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,046
        NICHOLAS!

336
00:16:55,114 --> 00:17:01,152
- WHATEVER NATHANIEL WAS
 HOPING TO FIND WASN'T THERE.

337
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,821
     JUST SOME INVOLUNTARY
          TWITCHING.

338
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:09,327
  WE'VE GONE BACK AND LOOKED
  AT EXECUTIONS AND TORTURES

339
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:10,962
     THROUGHOUT THE AGES.

340
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:15,933
    BUT OUT OF ALL OF THEM,
THE GUILLOTINE WILL KILL YOU...

341
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:18,836
    IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

342
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,284
    'TWAS THREE WEEKS
    BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

343
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:35,086
    AND RIGHT OUTSIDE
        THE MALL,

344
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,321
 NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,

345
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,291
     EXCEPT TWO HOT ELVES,
AND A STONER SANTA NAMED PAUL.

346
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,592
          - YOU WANT?
             - NO.

347
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,394
- TRY THIS. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
         - NO, THANKS.

348
00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:46,731
 - THERE WERE NCUTE CHILDREN
      TO SIT AND TO POSE.

349
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:49,100
      THEIR PARENTS WERE
          ALL BROKE,

350
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,702
  THEIR HOMES ALL FORECLOSED.

351
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:55,807
     THIS WAS NO ST. NICK,
  BUT HE SURE LIKED HIS HOS.

352
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:57,842
    HE FELT UP THE ELVES...

353
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,243
      - LOVE THAT OUTFIT
        OF YOURS, BABY.

354
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:01,779
    - TILL THEY SLAPPED HIM
          AND SAID...

355
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,147
 - IF YOU LAY ONE MORE OF YOUR
    FILTHY FINGERS ON HER,

356
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:04,782
I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.

357
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:07,351
 - A BEGINNING SANTA CAN MAKE
UP TO 100 BUCKS AN HOUR,

358
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:10,555
    WHEREAS A VETERAN SANTA
        CAN MAKE UP TO

359
00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:13,091
175 TO 200 BUCKS AN HOUR.

360
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:16,360
IF SANTA WORKS 40 HOURS A WEEK
  DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,

361
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:20,531
 HE CAN BRING IN UP TO $10,000
    IN HOLIDAY WAGES.

362
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:25,870
    - ON REEFER, ON SPLEEF,
      ON BLUNTY, ON BONE,

363
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,438
     [laughing maniacally]

364
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:30,541
  THIS SANTA WAS A JUNKIE...
            - MMM.

365
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:34,245
 - ALL HE DID WAS GET STONED.

366
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:35,980
     THE MALL MANAGER GOT
          FLUSTERED,

367
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,015
    AND LET OUT A BIG CRY.

368
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,250
     - YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?

369
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:40,551
        - OH, COME ON!
      - GET OUT OF HERE!

370
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,353
    GET OUT OF HERE!
    - AND SANTA GOT BUSTED

371
00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:44,188
      FOR BEING SO HIGH.

372
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,057
      - WHAT'S GOING ON?
             HEY!

373
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,226
- THIS RAT-BEARDED STONER

374
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,828
        FINALLY LOOKED
          TO THE SKY,

375
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:52,597
  AND TOOK A LARGE ICICLE...

376
00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:54,799
            - AAH!
        - [gasps]

377
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:59,504
      - RIGHT IN THE EYE.
    [both screaming]

378
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:02,306
    - THE KEY TO AN ICICLE
    IS THE FACT THAT

379
00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:05,109
    WHEN WATER RE-FREEZES,
    IT RELEASES HEAT.

380
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:06,511
    AS THE WATER DRIPS DOWN
         THAT ICICLE,

381
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,412
  THE RELEASED HEAD ACTUALLY
     FORMS LIKE A BLANKET.

382
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,716
     THE TOP OF THE ICICLE
         FORMS SLOWLY.

383
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:13,684
     THE TIP OF THE ICICLE
        FORMS RAPIDLY.

384
00:19:13,752 --> 00:19:15,887
      ICICLES COULD GROW
      AS BIG AS 100 FEET.

385
00:19:15,954 --> 00:19:18,189
  SHOULD THOSE ICICLES BREAK,
        YOU'RE TALKING

386
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:20,658
     INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS
  SITUATIONS FOR PEDESTRIANS,

387
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:22,426
    PEOPLE DRIVING IN CARS
            BELOW.

388
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:23,661
  OF COURSE, THERE HAVE BEEN
          SITUATIONS

389
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,929
  WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY
          BEEN KILLED

390
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,697
      BY ICICLES FALLING
        FROM BUILDINGS,

391
00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:29,333
      AND FROM DIFFERENT
          LOCATIONS.

392
00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:33,237
- THIS SANTA WAS A LOSER,
     NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

393
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:35,439
      - LOVE THAT OUTFIT
        OF YOURS, BABY.

394
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,009
  - MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...

395
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,844
- YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT OF HERE!
        - OH, COME ON!

396
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,513
        - AND THANK GOD
        HE GOT WHACKED.

397
00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:43,881
            - AAH!

398
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:44,982
    [both screaming]