Thread 73: Stories 1-15

https://archive.moe/mlp/thread/22736626/
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 >Celestia
"SA"
~~~

>She's been quiet... too quiet.

"Who? Applejack?"

>She hasn't bugged me in a while. I'm starting to wonder if she's cooking up something big. Something... terrifying.

"She might just, you know, have her own problems."

>No... no there is no way she would let me rest, there is no way she would let me find one iota of joy in my life.

"And now we've gone full creepy mode."

>There is no way this is anything but a nightmare waiting to happen... and she knows that the waiting is the worst part.

"Again, you're starting to sound like you think AJ has a sniper rifle trained on you right now. You do realize she's not out to actually make you go gaga, right?"

>...

"...R-right?"

>...She's cooking up something big...

"Uh-"

*Bump*

>I KNEW IIIIIITTTTTT!

"..."

>...Huh?

"Your ass bumped into that table."

>Oh, how about that. It has been growing...

"You're twitching."

>...she's... waiting....

"You want some cake?"

>...

"Gonna get you some marble cake."

>...Chocolate swirl, please?

"Sure, sprinkles too."

>...Thakssnnsy...

"Anytime."

>...She's waaiiitting...

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 >SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>...Hey? Chrysalis?

An explosion of fire erupted in the middle of the room, sickly green flames bathing her in an unnatural light as she stepped forwards, a haunting, yet steamy, look on her face.

"AHAHAHAH! You have summoned me, the Queen who hold's your desires, for what purpose, mortal? Do you wish to beg me for some boon? Or are your wants more... physical?"

>Have you seen my good mug? The one with the little smiley face on it.

"You call upon I? The immortal goddess with a body to die for and who's power is unmatched in all these lands, for this? You dare!? You must give me penance! A pound of flesh!... Though I am flexible on that amount. Quality over quantity, after all."

>It's a nice mug. Have you seen it? The little loop fits my hoof just perfect, I don't even have to use magic. It's just beautiful.

"No mug could ever compare with the beauty that stands before you! I see the desire in your eyes you pitiful thing. I am a beauty untold, no mere ceramic could match me!"

>I dunno, it's a pretty amazing mug. Easily in the top five of mugs, like, ever.

"...I get the feeling you're not going to play along.'

>To what? Were you acting? Wow! I couldn't tell any difference!

"..."

>...

"...Fine, the mug's on your face, jerk."

>What? Not it isn-

WHAM!

>...ah aha, ahah, touche.

With a blow of a raspberry, she vanished in a wash of flames.

>...it bothers me how much I was enjoying that act, that voice was... something... maybe I should ask Cadence for a late birthday present...

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 >AJ
"Spike"
'???'
~~~~

"More complaints about you know who and asking for her to be vacated of these premises, yesterday."

>Put it in the other pile.

"The pile?"

>Yeah, the pile.

"Applejack, it's getting out of control. We have a problem."

>Now... it's only gettin' better.

"Applejack."

>Put it in the pile.

"Applejack no! Fluttershy's desk is almost gone!"

>PUT IT IN THE PILE!

"..."

>...

"...Fine."

*SLAM!*

'IS MAH' PILE BIGGER!?'

>Sure is, sugar cube.

'YAYYYYY! I CAN FINISH MY TOWER!'

>Go fer' it.

"...You do realize letting Two build a fortress out of complaint notes is just kind of mean to whoever is writing those, don't you?"

>Ah' literally do not care.

'Gonna build a tower and it's gonna hold alllll the marchmalleys!'

>...This is better.

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>42
"Changelings'
~~~

>So! I am once again, very reluctantly, taking questions.

"Are we going to start training now?"

>...Training for what?

"Army stuff? Aren't we training for army stuff?"

>...Oh! Yes, I suppose it would be prudent to be kept in shape considering the real threat of harm. I see no negative in this.

"I meant for the invasion!"

>And there it is. What invasion?

"Of... this place? Isn't that what we're doing here?"

>WHAT!? NO! NO NO NO! NO WE ARE NOT INVADING THIS PLACE!

"Are you sure?'

>I'm the damn commander of your army! OF COURSE I'M SURE!

"Oh. Are we invading Canterlot?"

>NO! NOT AGAIN!

"Oh, why not?"

>Why would we!?

"To take back our ballroom!"

>Why the fuck do you want that!?

"It was a nice ballroom."

"Oh yeah. Not as nice as this place, but I'd keep it as a backup ballrooom."

"Definitely good summer-home stuff."

>WE ARE DOING NONE OF THAT!

"Are you sure?"

>YES!

"Really sure?"

>YES!

"...Positive-"

BLAM!

>ANYONE ELSE THINK I AM UNSURE!?

"..."

>NO INVASIONS OF ANY KIND, UNDERSTAND!?

"Yes ma'am!"

>...

"...Can we still train-"

>Boat has sailed on that one.

"Awwww."

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NC
"So, let me get this straight, we're not invading anyone."

>NO!

"Oh, good. This would be dangerous."

>Wait, what would?

"This area, this area would become pretty dangerous."

>Well, obviously.

"I mean, this whole... what's another word for that?"

>What?

"What's another word for area? This area that would be very dangerous?"

>Empire?

"Too widespread."

>Land?

"No, that doesn't sound right. It needs to be less vague, but more specific. Something... I think it starts with a z?"

>...

"...It would be a very dangerous one of those."

>...

"...In fact, one might call it a...."

>...

"....aaaaaa...."

>....

"DANGER ZOOO-"

~~~~~

>Majesty? One of them died.

'FUCK! How did that happen!?'

>He fell onto a large, solid object. Over... and over... and over... and over...

'...'

>A large, hoof shaped object.

'...'

>...over... and over... and over...

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>Daw
"41"

"Hey Punch, you in here? I kinda forgot how long you guys train, and I..."

>...

"..."

>...

"...are you a-?"

>Pirate, yes. And you're a-

"Bug Monster?"

>Alien.

"...okay, that's new."

>Don't get me wrong, I like aliens so long as they don't go bustin' outta folk's chests and replacin' 'em with pods.

"I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of pony pods. Can I ask a question?"

>Sure?

"How's a pirate know about aliens?"

>What? Just because I've sailed the oceans doesn't mean I've ever turned thought to what might be in the stars? What is space but an ocean beyond the sky?

"..."

>Okay, so I lifted a penny dreadful off some fancy lad in a Hackney colony when my crew and me were smugglin' out some artifacts, sue me.

"Nah, I'll just punch you later, hey is there a kinda meathead looking pegasus in the box over there?"

>One, please do, I've been starved for a good scrap, and two, there are many meatheads in the big box'o crazy, up to and including the one I'm pitchin' woo with.

A very faint 'Get sooooome' is heard from one of the monitors.

>That one.

"Oh, uh, alright, buuuuuut, if one that answers to Suckerpunch comes through, can you tell him I got the tickets to the thing? He'll know what it is."

>A thing?

"Yep, just a thing."

>What kinda thing?

"A thing that we like, that's it."

>Is it fighting related?

"No comment."

>Don't hide fighting things from me lass!

"If you wanna fight so much, go talk to Spike, don't they have a club for that?"

>THERE WAS A CLUB THIS WHOLE TIME!?

"Uh...yeah?"

>Bollocks to this, you wait here and press the exit button whenever they get tired, I gotta find me a pipsqueak dragon!

In a flash she was gone.

"...fuck."

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but it's always happy hour when I'm here! Due to unforeseen circumstances, we don't have a guest, so let's read some fan mail.

Pulls out a letter.

>"Pinkie have you ever considered having a co-host?" Sadly we don't have enough funding to get one, plus it would take up more characters, so no.

Pulls out another letter.

>"Ms. Pie, if you ever got a live audience, would you give away free carts?" I'd give everypony the carts of their dreams!
>"Ponka, when are you going to deliver on your Fanservice?" That's a great question! One that I'm not obligated to answer...but why not now?

Gets into a lewd pose.

>Gosh, I hope I don't raise the rating above PG-13
Another sexy pose.

>I'm doing this for my fans. Enjoy.

Straightens her hair and gets into a very sexual position.

>For those that like my straight hair...

Goes back her desk with her hair reverted back to normal.

>That sure was a lot of eye candy, but that's our show. Think of me in your dreams!

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>Arana
"BB"
'Haymaker'
~~~~~

>HRMPH!

"Now, don't be like that little one. She was just doing what she thought was best."

>It's not fair! She talks about Momma all the time, I never get a single thing to say to defend her, but the one time she actually has her own crud cause her momma is worse than my momma and I don't even get to tell her! THIS IS SOME SKITTER SPITS!

"Language!... I think!"

'Oh yeah, don't want little kids running around spouting absolute jibberish like that.'

"Haymaker, please, she's obviously in a bad place."

'What did her mom do anyway?'

>Something super awful! Super duper mega moga web wonking silk spitting skitter scatting AWFUL! SHE'S THE WORST!

"..."

>...The second worst! Turns out, uh... there's a bigger jerk than even her. Dunno the full details, but I ain't never seen Auntie Chitty that mad. Well... one other time... when she almost died.

'WAIT WHAT!? When!?'

>After she breathed fire down Spike's throat.

'SHE CAN BREATH FIRE NOW TOO!?'

>...well, yeah, but... but fire.

'Oh, yeah, see the issue.'

"Still, Arana, you haven't told us what this terrible thing is."

>IT'S THE WORST!

"..."

>THAT APPLEJACK SAYS I AIN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY!

'COP OUT! I call cop out!'

>Sorry, I don't want her to sick her dog on me again.

'...Again?'

>Yeah, she-

~ARF!~

>OH NO! SHE FOUND ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*Runs off!*

"..."

'...'

~GRRRRR!~

*Runs past*

"...So, just to recap, we just watched a tiny dog chase a spider changeling away in fear, correct?"

'...I love my job...'

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NC
>Sunset
"Variolus"
~~~~~

>...Why did you start crying?

"BECAUSE I KNOOOOOOWWWW! I KNOOOOOHOOHOWWWW! ISN"T THE FACT I GOT MY FUCKING HEAD RIPPED OFF ENOUGH FOR YOU ASSHOLES!? IT'S GONE! IT WAS JUST GONE, AND YOU STILL WON'T STOPPPPPPPP!"

>...You have issues, bug Queen ghost who lives in my head."

>WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?"

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 >18
"SA"
~~~~~

"Hey, just checking in to see how you're doing today, I heard today's a little heavy thanks to the upcoming fest-HOLY CELESTIA BOUNCING ON A POGOSTICK!"

The mound of swirling paperwork turned to him, giving him a brief view of an inexplicably fanged maw when it let out a massive roar.

"OKAY! SO! ARMY TI-"

Before his very eyes, the thing started to shrink, and shrink, and shrink, until it completely bled away.

"...."

>Shiny! What's up?

"...So are we just never questioning the obviously horrible thing that your paperwork keeps turning into?"

>What? Why would we do that?

"You do realize that paperwork coming alive and charging us in an attempt to murder all it surveys until you kill it with what can only be called bureaucracy-fu is not normal, right? You get this is abnormal?"

>...Are you sure?

"..."

>I mean, come on, everyone has to fight the paperwork at some time, right? Applejack complains about it knocking her out all the time.

"..."

>...Oh! You mean mine's a little bigger than normal? Yeah, I could see that.

"..."

>...What?

"You know what? Nevermind."

>Okay... pfft, weird.

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NC
~~~

>29! Now is the time of your demise!

"I CAN SEE THE DEAD!"

>...Holy shit, that sounds SUPER useful! Like, so useful! You're just useful enough not to kill yet!

"YAY!... Wait, what was that last part?"

>I said you're just useful enough not to kill yet. Let me clarify again, yet. As in, while currently you are useful enough not to kill, this is a limited occasion that will run out, as denounced by my useage of the word 'yet'. For you see, 'yet' implies that this is not currently the present state, but directly implies this will change. Yet means just right now, is the crux of what you should take away from this, since this is not a permanent thing. You being alive, to further clarify.

"...Thank you for clearing that up."

>Anytime.

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>Screwloose
“???”
_____

Bubbling beakers to the left of her….

Pristine, glinting scalpels to the right….

The entire room sang of discovery, of the untold treasures just waiting to be scooped out from under the flesh of whatever poor subject that happened to fall to her knife.

>Gnh…

And she was provided with not one, but two sterling silver operating tables. Complete with drain holes! That Pennydrip… talk about rolling out the bloodstained carpet of friendsh-

>Mnnnn!

She didn’t have a formal desk because that felt too constricting, too… distanced. So she piled towers of unorganized notes upon one of her operating tables, the one she was currently seated at.

>Haaaa- mmph!

It could only be seen as another thoughtful gesture that Pennydrip had refrained from tossing out all of her old notes. Notes on symbiosis, scribbles of skin grafts, crossed out formulas regarding spinal fluid and organ transferrals…

>Oh wow, it’s like a good old fashioned trip down memory laaaAANNNGH! Will you quit that?!

A surprisingly slick and wet sensation ran the course of her hoof as a response and Screwloose shivered in place, squirming somewhat in her seat. What followed was a burst of cool wind, a doggish pant against her trembling hoof that only increased the sensation and caused her to gasp.

>Y-you… you’re really hard of hearing, aren’t you, pervert?


Her voice flowed in a pant as well and the changeling hidden underneath her ‘desk’ couldn’t help but smirk, with victory for once. For the better half of an hour, he’d been tending to the manic mares hooves, everything from loving sniffs to passionate kisses to dragging licks, and it was only now that his ministrations were starting to affect her, break her concentration.

>Damn it all….

Sucking her teeth, she made a small show of withdrawing her left hoof-

“Ah, ah, ah.”

-but he easily pulled it back out, placing a lingering kiss on the underside, delighting in the way it twitched shyly in his grasp.

“By the Hivemind, your hooves smell so good….”

Above him, Screwloose merely rolled her eyes, attempting and failing to bring focus back to her notes.

>Well duh, I didn’t win that trophy for nothing, perverrrrngh!

A quick nibble to the very tip of her hoof caused a groan to overtake the rest of her words.

“So soft, so sweet…I could do this all day.”

>Really? Ha, then it’s a shame you have to wake up now. ~

“Say wuh?"

Twelve’s eyes popped open at the heinous weight that collided with his midsection.

A few disorientating blinks later, he saw that Screwloose was straddling his stomach, her muzzle lifted in a depraved smirk.

>So we’ve upgraded to having dreams about the never-gonna-happen, eh perv?

“…”

>You were talking up quite the storm, you know. Did you really say my hooves smelled nice? Pffffhahahaha what a pervert!

“…”

>Huh, so chitin can blush! Cute. ~

“…If you wouldn’t mind, can you get off for a second? I’d like to go find this places designated crying corner and call dibs. Forever.”

>Oh no, they’ll be no wandering about by your lonesome, perv. Who knows what might happen? What if some other hack decided to experiment on your before I can?

“The terror.”

>Exactly! So no, you’ll… just lie here for a few more minutes and enjoy this.

On the verge of asking “enjoy what”, Twelve found out when she effortlessly placed one of her revered hooves cleanly over his face.

“…”

>Well? Go on! This is your dream, no? Then sniff! I want to hear you take a big wh-ooooo, yeah… thaaat’s it. Consider this your breakfast, the scent of my hooves. ~

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
[18]
{42}
~Celestia~
^2^
(Spitfire)
=Maneiac=
~~~~~~

>...boy this room gets crowded sometimes.

"Just be thankful the smoke monster isn't around, or we'd be warring for couchspace. A war I would win."

~That seems inconsistent with your previous history facing ponies.~

"Shaddup."

=AHAHHAHAHHA! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HALF OF WHAT YOU SAID MEANS!=

~Inconsistent means-~

=No, not you. What is a shad?=

"HAH!

^I WANNA KNOW TOOO!^

(I do not ever think I'm going to get used to this.)

>Trust me, you don't want to. Enjoy your time in blissful wonder.

[Oh, come on! It's not that bad!]

{Indeed, this is one of our more normal days.]

'You make it sound like we're worse than we are!'

>Sorry, my immortal princess alicorn wife, I did not mean to offend you nor the tallest princess who controls the very celestial body that brings us light and warmth. Nor did I mean to insult the Queen of an insectoid-ish pony race who feeds on the very love in my heart and one kidnapped you and posed as you to ruin my wedding. Nor did I wish to deride the member of said race currently looking like you who does a fairly sizable amount of all of my paperwork, or our mutual friend, the soldier changeling who beat the fat out of me to get me back in shape. I do not wish to offend any of them, least of all the comic book character brought to life who cackles everytime she sees a bug or, of course, the changeling I adopted because she chased after the solider one day after the soldier ran off clear across a continent on a hunch and then she just kind of stuck around. I didn't want to offend any of them. For I am a dude who's superpowers is 'bubbles', and despite being a captain I am likely the weakest being in this room, save perhaps Spitfire. I am sorry.

"'[{=(~^......^~)=}]'"

"...So! What movie are we watching!"

[A gripping tale of romance! A stallion is torn between two lovers, and must choose!]

>"'{=(~^......^~)=}'"

>...I feel like you're trying to give me a hint about something.

[Whaaaa? Nooo. This just got great reviews. AMAZING reviews, really.]

"..."

[IT'S MY TURN TO PICK!]

~Alright, there's no need to yell.~

=AHHHAHHAHAHHAHA!... Why would him picking both be a problem?=

"EIGHTEEN I SWEAR TO THE HIVEMIND!"

[PG! IT"S PG!]

"...Still a little high..."

'Yeah, don't know if Two should be here.'

^I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!^

"...M'kay then.

{Give her points for wisdom.}

(...Never gonna get used to thiiis...)

=AHAHAHAHAHH! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON!=

(Join the club.)

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NC
>Sunset
"Varilous"
~~~~~~

>So... what am I supposed to do until he arrives?

"I would think that would be up to you."

>You know, you could always reguile me of your storied and long history?

"Did you actually think that would work? Like I would tell you anything when I'm not getting something out of it."

>Worth a shot.

"..."

>...

"..."

>...booorrring.

"..."

>...

"... Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga Ooga-Chaka..."

>...

"..."

>...I can't stop this feeling...

"-Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga Ooga-Chaka-

>Deep inside of me.

" Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga"

>Bug monster you just don't realize, what you do to me.

Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga Ooga-Chaka."

>Your big rock, you in my head, you let me know, I'm almost dead...

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

>I'm hooked on a changeling! Their magic is aching! I need that love in meeeee~! Hooked on that changeling! That magic of changeling! To learn that magic thiiiiiinnnng~ I'M-... Hello, mister guard.

[Do you know what disturbing the peace means?]

>...Eat a dick.

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 >Twilight
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~~

"Did you talk to Sunset yet?

>I'm telling you, I'll find her! Just give me some more time!

"Kay."

>...Oh, wow, really?

"Sure."

>...Are you going to go behind my back and send an agent or something?

"Nope."

>Going to secretly plot a way to find her yourself?

"Nu-uh."

>Going to try to lure her into a trap to shift all the blame?

"None of that."

>...

"..."

>So, you're just going to-

"You said you'd find her, you'll find her. Just chew her out for what she did."

>...And that's all?

"That's all."

>...

"...."

>...

"...."

>...WHO ARE YOU!?

~~~

NC
>You know, if you'd have just told Applejack that back when, we probably could have avoided that whole mess with the-

"HAH! Fucking NOPE! No fucking way do I trust Applejack with shit! I wouldn't trust her with my drapes, let alone something like this! HAH! HAH AND HAH SOME MORE, GOOD MARE!"

>...

"..."

>...It would have just been really easy-

"NOPE"

~~~

NC2NC
>So, just out of curiosity, what happens if I mess up?

"I'll make her a drooling vegetable so she doesn't accidentally or intentionally make that genocide spell who's his face used."

>...Uh... well, that's kind of extreme-

"More extreme than her wiping out a race?"

>...Okay, not THAT extreme, but...

"..."

>...And you have gone back from being kind of nice and showing some good faith to just plain scary, good job.

"NON-CANON, BITCHES!"

>WOOO! LET'S GO TO LAS-PEGASUS AND GET WASTED!

>"WOOOOOO:!

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