average life encourages suicide

I wanted to eventually wrap everything under one super account. All of what I had to say in one nice little bundle. The thing is, I had so much to say, in so many different places.
I feel that what I have to say is important, right or wrong it's gravity is in the right direction. It's thinking. It's testing. It's desiring only what is good.
i've lost motivation recently to do lots of things. I wanted to start my own company. i guess i still do, but now i'm very confused abuot where to start. there is jjust a lot going on.
i feel very unhappy too. no girlfriend, not even sure how to talk to a damn girl.
so busy too. can't learn. can't get out
i'm getting mixed messages about how to get with girls as well. bang one, or friend them first.
so i've just become very... dry about it.
I just feel that making an effort is going to make things worse, it always has. no one wants to be alone forever though
so how does one chagne that?
i keep coming up with ideas... that i think are easy, but then i hesitate, deadlines are missed and i get behind on the real good ideas
i've been trying to work on surklr for a bit now. i'm not even sure wer to start with that. i haven't even addressed all the complications.
i don't even know what i'm missing right now.
i don't want to give up. i just want things to be easy and promised, as long as they have been, i don't think they will for much long, but that's what i've always said. andi get by somehow.

it's very easy for me to believe that the entire universe centers around me and that I am the axis of everything.
i just seem to be in the middle of everything.
middle class
average grades
average income
average
average
average
despite what I want to become.
It's like I wont ever find a real moment of happiness.
It will always be trivial and very mortal. And if I do find someone , it wont be someoen i like. they'll be attractive at first, but then they'll let themselves go.

i had this thought when i was high once, that the universe is all about me... but it's ALL about keeping me mediocre.
it has it's benefits I guess. I have never experienced an emotionally upsetting death or tragic loss.

it just seems like this annoying balance. but things will haev to change soon. because people die. my job wont last forever. i will have to change ...

i look at a lot of people that work in that office and ... i wonder where they're headed. they seem to lead happy lives. charlette anne probably get plenty of sex, randy is happy with his ... thing, and ... everyone's happy being normal.
just some random mentions... but still... everyone is happy being mundane and normal.
People would kill to be in my position. I know... but ... there is so much more that can be done.

when i was high, and had those thoughts... i promised myself to never let up. to never let it gain truth over me.
i forgot about that concept... ... and now look where i am... just... doing the same shit... getting by

my symbol. it's suppose to remind me of always moving forward... but that is so vague... i don't even know what forward is. i dont' knwo right from wrong, i don't know the best way to gain as much knowledge as possible. I just don't know.
 i guess i'll give it a new meaning for now. ... that's if i can remember it...
something about "don't be average"

at the moment... that's the most i can ask for. As far as I see it, not even the age of abundance will provide us peace.
someoen probably already beat us to the punch. the only way to ensure any kind of rise over them is to stay in complete secret...

i've already fucking ousted myself.
so I've already failed.

they're are definitely above us. that is for sure.

i don't want to be stuck on earth forever
i dont' want to be average forever
I want to be great... for myself. no one else but myself. it's selfish, but I need it so bad.

i guess the rest of the world thinks that too. but the only to even gain a fraction of that is to work together.

I was so much better when I didn't talk about what I was going to do. I instead just worked on what ever I felt liek working on at the time.
I need to GENUINELY return to that... really... I need to stop trying to launch these mini projects  and just GENUINELY work on what I feel.
I naturally lean towards innovation... so I can trust that I will definitely become great on a different plane of life.

funny. I've always had an issue with sincerity... sincere feelings about people.. I bring that up in the mention of being "genuine"...
That's another issue with girls..
how can you be sincere?
with nikita... i was sincere, because i grew into her
other girls... i'm not.. and I can't bullshit. i'm not a bullshitter
I either want  you as a girlfriend, fuck buddy or nothing.
I don't have any other aims for you.
i'm not exactly in the best situation to make friends either. sure... my office has social events. all the girls are 3 years older than me though... that would make a relationship weird and very mortal.

i wish i coudl find someone just like me that had the exact same "problem"...
i'm just so cofnused.