Chapter 38

The past two months had been a blur. Your spartan education at Valisias Academy had been hellish; an incessant onslaught of harsh lessons delivered by teacher and student alike. More than once, you had almost been wifed by an especially cunning or powerful monster. Half a dozen of the brutes had conspired to claim you during your practical trial, and you had only made it out by the skin of your teeth.

But it had made you stronger. Stronger than you had ever thought yourself capable of being. Both your body and mind had been honed to peak condition. This world seemed less alien by the day. By now you had a firm grasp of the general history of the world and could now speak (apparently accented) Common. Rough Common, but the monsters didn’t seem to mind.

Things were looking up. Most of the monsters around you were married by now, and attacks were less and less frequent. There was still plenty of time to find a way to Zipangu. And now, you had the means to get rid of anything or anyone who stood between you and your wife. There was a Ryu out there with your name on her, and no force on heaven, Earth, hell, or any other weird dimension would keep you from her.

You had even invented a new spell! A brilliant mobility spell that utilized several spells working in tandem to launch yourself in a long arc. To the untrained eye, it would seem as if you were using a seesaw made of wards to launch yourself into the air. Which is exactly what you did. The idea had come to you after you had remembered Looney Toons and were writing down an entry for Wiley Coyote in your journal. With practice, you could adjust the angle of your launch and chain the spell together to bound hundreds of meters in a few seconds. Your magic instructor Zara had even gone so far as to call it “The stupidest Gods-damned thing I’ve ever seen. Just use the teleportation spell and stop flip-dicking around you troglodyte.” You called it mage jumping; name pending.

“Anon! Stop daydreaming and finish your reps!” shouted Gelvie.

Grunting, you snapped yourself out of your reminiscing and pulled your chin up over the bar again. Physical training was far less enjoyable and interesting than magic practice, but you couldn’t argue with the results. Your body was now a lean, mean, magic shooting machine; you were in the best shape of your life. Not that you could ever hold a candle to most monsters in a fair fight, but you had gotten pretty good at escaping grapples and running.

Gritting your teeth, you finished your last pullup and dropped to the ground.

“Getting better, Anon.” said Gelvie.

“Thanks.” You said, flailing your arms to get some blood flowing into your enervated limbs.

“I didn’t say it was good, string bean. Anyways, the boss wanted to talk to you, said it was important.”

Gelvie sauntered off to go yell at some other students as you caught your breath. What did Maranth want this time?

~~~~~~

“Anon, come in. Have a seat.” Said Maranth. Her attitude had mellowed since you had ‘survived’ the Dash. She as still giddy to see a fight break out between you and any students, but you were experienced enough to overcome or evade most attacks without help from your friends.

“Always a pleasure, Maranth.” You said.

“Do you like to travel, Anon?” said Maranth, cutting right to the chase.

“We’re one sentence into this conversation and I already don’t like where this is going…” you said.

Maranth reached into the cigar box on her desk and pulled out the topmost smoke with a flourish.

“Do you know what this is?” she asked, waggling the bundle of demon realm herbs in front of your face.

“Something you’re about to blow in my face?”

“Yes. But it’s more than that.” Said Maranth. She rolled the cigar through her fingers. “THIS, is a hand rolled cigar made from the finest herbs and best smoke-leaf in the world. Made in the Kyriavalissa, the City of the Sun. It costs more than some of the shacks in this city.” She said giving it a sniff.

“What’s the occasion?” you asked. All this exposition was making you uneasy.

“It was gifted to me this morning by a gandharva this morning. You’ve been invited by the Pharaoh to her palace.” Said Maranth.

You blinked. “Huh?”

Maranth lit the cigar and inhaled. She let out an exaggerated moan and rolled her eyes as she exhaled the thick smoke into the stagnant air. “What do you mean ‘huh?’ I mean you got an invitation.”

“By the Pharaoh?” you said.

“Not THE Pharaoh. There’s a few of them. But the others rule over relatively unimportant oasis towns and minor cities. Kyriavalissa is the only city that matters in the Capsalisma desert. I suppose that WOULD make her THE Pharaoh in a sense…”

“How much trouble am I going to be in if I decline? I’m on a bit of a time crunch here…” you said. There were only about four months left to get halfway around the world, and you hadn’t even figured out a way to get out of town. Even after you had saved up some money doing jobs and selling supplement (which you were no longer allowed to do after a phantom had used the boost to force a town square into a musical performance) was hardly enough to make it to the next city. Some monsters outright refused any payment that didn’t involve sex or marrying their daughter.

“Honestly? I don’t know. Never met the woman. Not too many travelers are willing to make the journey. She said she’s sending one of her viziers as well. An anubis named Tsakali.” Said Maranth.

“The journey can’t be that long if she’s already sent someone.” You said.

“It takes about three weeks to get to Kyriavalissa from here.” Said Maranth blowing another cloud of smoke at you. “…In good conditions.”

“Three weeks?! I don’t have time to wait six weeks to go on some sightseeing tour of a desert.” You said.

“You misunderstand. The caravan dispatched to collect you, assuming you accept, is a few days away.”

You snorted. “Still, I don’t have time for a vacation.”

“You want to get to Zipangu, right? Kyriavalissa is a major port city. You could sail all the way from the southern coast to Zipangu in a month.” Said Maranth.

You perked up, but caught yourself. “That seems… too easy.”

Maranth grinned. “I’m guessing that the Pharaoh has more than mere platonic intentions for you. From the letter she sent, she is very interested in your world. Be that means to woo you into bed or genuine fascination, I can’t say.”

You sighed. “I guess I don’t really have much of a choice.”

Maranth nodded. “I thought so. You always did have a thing for being bossed around. I’m sure that the Pharaoh will keep you happy.”

“Shut up! I do not have a ‘thing’ for being ordered around. I’ll just go to Kyriavalissa, tour around for a few days, let the Pharaoh know what my intentions are, and head for Zipangu.”

“Mmhmm.” Said Maranth, smiling around her cigar.

“…I’m going to pack my things.” You said curtly.

“Send me an invitation to the wedding~” called Maranth as you left.

~~~~~~~

Over the next few days, you quietly made your preparations for your departure. Withdrawing all the money you had in the bank in discreet amounts when different tellers were present, buying some light clothing that would be suitable for the desert in different shops, buying another empty book and some ink… all without raising suspicion. The worst case scenario would be the monsters of Valisias discovering your plans for egress. Right now, they were content to leave you be, occasionally probing for weakness or attempting to rape you if you looked vulnerable. The threat of you leaving would be enough to create a mob of monsters hellbent on keeping you from escaping.

“Are you alright, Anon?” asked Decara.

You snapped your gaze up from the peas on your plate. “Yeah! I’m fine!”

“Are you sure? Seems like something has been bothering you for the past couple of days.” Said Imaris.

“Is it another rapist?” asked Brez.

“No, it’s nothing. Really. Just thinking about the future, that’s all.” You affirmed.

“Have you decided who to marry yet?~” asked the motherly succubus.

“Sort of…” you said.

“Who is she?” asked the dumb succubus. “Is she-“

The simpleton’s inquiry was interrupted by a bout of fanfare from the entrance to the cafeteria.

“CONGRATULATIONS, ANON!” shouted Maranth.

Oh Lord, please no.

You watched in horror as Maranth’s procession of confetti throwing succubi made their way to your table, followed by a massive cake decorated with the phrase “We’ll miss you.”

“So sad that you’re leaving us and never coming back.” She said slapping your back. “Yep, off to foreign lands to find a wife. Shame we couldn’t see you married here. In Valisias. ‘Cause you’re leaving. Forever.”

The cafeteria was so quiet you could hear the rustle of confetti hitting the table. Maranth’s grin made any look Pacolo had ever given you look like the warm smile of a chaste maiden.

“Anyways, the faculty and I thought it would be nice to put together a little something for you as a going away present. Hope you enjoy the cake! We’ll all be up to see you off tomorrow. Thanks for all your hard work here at the Academy!~” Maranth waved over her shoulder as she walked out of the canteen.

A bead of sweat rolled down your brow as every unmarried monster bored holes into you with their stares.

“Anon…” said Decara quietly. “Is there anything you’d like to tell us?”

You gulped. “Help yourself to a slice of cake?”

A steak knife whizzed past your head. Holy shit, that wasn’t realm silver either; that was an actual cutting implement. An amazon across the room readied another knife.

“Like hell you’re leaving!” she bellowed.

The cafeteria erupted as a tsunami of projectiles and magic were hurled your way. Every monster who had held out hope they would be the one you married was now intent on having her plans realized ahead of schedule. Whatever finesses they had meticulously organized over the past few months had come crashing down; their hands were forced.

Dragging the succ squad over to your side of the table with magic, you flipped the entire bench (monsters and all) towards the barrage. Knives, spears, and even a meat cleaver penetrated the thin wood, stopping halfway to their intended target.

“WHAT THE FUCK, ANON!” screamed Imaris.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?!” said Decara.

“I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OKAY?!” you shouted.

A minotaur vaulted the table and you slammed her into a wall.

“Where the hell are you even going?” asked the motherly succ, cradling Brez against her chest.

“The desert, I got an invite from the Pharaoh. I needed to get to a port city anyways, so I figured, why not?” you said.

“Which desert?” asked the dumb succubus.

“I don’t fucking know! It started with ‘Cap-‘ something. The big one down south!” you said, diverting a bout of flames away from your wooden barricade.

“That’s risky. There’s a good chance you’ll be taken out in the open sands.” Said Brez, surfacing from his squishy succor.

“MORE RISKY THAN THIS?!” you shouted.

An especially talented ocelomeh shaman cast a spell that threatened to break through your ward. Shoving the spell aside, you misdirected it into an adjacent wall before you were zapped.

“Point taken. Guess you’d better go pack, huh?” he said.

“Already done.” You said.

“Ohh, clever. I’m surprised that you got this far without causing a fuss.” Said Imaris.

“And I’m hoping to get a bit further. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” you said, readying yourself to flee the warzone.

“Wait!” cried the dumb succ.

You looked askance at the cowering floozy.

“Can I have your slice of the cake?” she pleaded.

The other succubi looked at her with pity. You didn’t dignify her question with a response before sliding out from behind the table and breaking for the door.

~~~~~~~

Slamming the door to your room shut, you magic’d your bed against the doorframe. Your pursuers quickly arrived, and began to pound against the thick wood. Thank goodness you had hired a carpenter in town to build you a custom door; this thing was dense enough to stop an ushi even without the defensive seals that were carved into it.

Dragging out your bags, you began to throw the last of your clothes in. Based on what Maranth had said, your escort would be here tomorrow. If you could trust her. Maranth wasn’t above lying about your departure date to raise some hell; it was her favorite pastime after all.

“Anon!”

You shrieked and blew your window out with a blast of magic as Pacolo materialized in your room behind you. She must have anticipated your shock, as she only warped herself in from the waist down.

“Don’t fucking do that!” you shouted.

Pacolo’s torso appeared and seated itself on her waist. “Sorry! I wasn’t thinking. What’s happening? I heard the blast all the way from the training fields.”

“I’m about to leave town. Maranth decided to wish me farewell. A day early in front of a quarter of the students.” You said.
“You’re leaving?” said Colo. Her ears drooped.

“I never planned to stay here forever, you know.”

“I know, but this is so sudden. Where are you going?”

“Desert. Big city with the Pharaoh.”

“Kyriavalissa?! Wow! Who’s cunt did you lick to make that happen?” asked Colo, hovering over to you.

“The Pharaoh is probably trying to get in my pants. My plan is to pass through the city and hitch a ride to Zipangu.” You said.

Colo pouted. “Typical! You get to go to the City of Sun, and all you want to do is run to the wharf.”

“A city is a city. I’m not there to sight-see.” You said.

“But it’s one of the most romantic cities on the planet! I’ve always wanted to go.” Said Colo.

“You can hitch a ride, if they’ll let you.” You said.

Colo shook her head. “I’m busy with work.”

Fair enough. After a month of coaching, Colo had miraculously overcome her anxiety and managed to marry Guyan. The sight of his mother crying at the wedding was something you would never forget. And the catering? To die for. Though they both considered you a friend and the one who brought them together, you hadn’t seen much of them since. Guyan’s mother had conscripted her as a waitress at the restaurant, and they were often too ‘busy’ after work to interact with you.

“Oh! Speaking of which, is it alright if I bring Guyan?” asked Colo.

“Sure.” You said, slamming your trunk shut.

Colo disappeared, and returned with her husband in tow a moment later.

“Anon! How are yah? Haven’t seen you in a while.” He said.

You glanced enviously at Colo’s tail wrapped around one of his legs. Getting to that Ryu couldn’t happen fast enough. Not that there was any guarantee that your body could survive that much mamono mana…

“And you won’t see me at all in a day or two.” You said.

“Colo told me you were leaving. Sorry to see you go.” Said Guyan solemnly.

“Yeah, I’ll miss this place. But I’ll come visit, I promise. I couldn’t stay away from your mom’s cooking forever.” You said.

Guyan laughed. “I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to hear. You’d better move fast though; if she hears her favorite display is trying to skip town, she’ll probably hang you from the chandelier.”

“Then I guess I’ll just have to call in a favor from you two and have you run interference.” You joked.

Colo squeezed his arm. Guyan gave you a melancholy smile. “Tomorrow, then?”

“Allegedly. But the date is predicated on Maranth telling the truth and me surviving the night. I feel like it’s the Dash all over again…”

“You can stay at our place for the night.” Offered Colo.

“No need. I should be alright here. If the sound of explosions gets closer, that means I’ve taken you up on your offer.”

Colo wiped her eye. “We’ll really miss you.”

You felt a bit teary yourself. It was so hard to find platonic friends in this world. “So will I.”

“Tell you what, as one last thanks for setting us up together, how about we make you breakfast tomorrow?” said Guyan.

“Couldn’t think of a better parting gift.” You said.

Guyan rubbed Colo’s back. “Then we’d better get to the market. I want to make sure we have enough eggs.”

Colo nuzzled his chest. “See you tomorrow Anon!”

The couple popped out of existence, leaving you alone in your room. Even in a world of pleasure, goodbyes were still painful…

~~~~~~

You hardly slept at all. An hour or two of fitful sleep was all the monsters allowed you. In the early hours of the AM, they had finally decided to cooperate to get you out. The gaping hole in your window you had filled with your desk didn’t help either. By the time the sun rose, there was a pile of monsters outside your door and another heap under your window. Doing one last sweep of your seared, half-burnt room, you stepped over the unconscious harpy you had used as a pillow and through the splintered remains of your door. Breakfast couldn’t come soon enough.

~~~~~~

“You made it!” exclaimed Guyan.

You collapsed onto the bar. Wordlessly, Guyan slid a cup of demon-realm coffee (who knows what plant it came from, it was coffee to you) your way. Grunting your appreciation, you warmed your hands on the hot ceramic.

Colo floated out of the kitchen with a steaming plate of food. She looked cute in that apron, Guyan was a lucky guy. “I’ve seen giant slugs with more energy than you.”

“Whatever they take me in or on, I hope it’s something I can sleep in.” you mumbled.

You ate your meal slowly as you chatted with the couple. The restaurant always had a cozy atmosphere, and the absence of other patrons in these pre-business hours made it even more homely.

Downing the last of the dark, bitter liquid. The caffeine was now coursing through your veins, and you felt reinvigorated. Take that, sleep deprivation!

“Anon.”

You blenched, knocking over your empty mug as Guyan’s mother made herself known. How the hell did someone with claws on their feet move so quietly?

“You leaving?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Mmm.” She grunted. Extending her arm to you, she offered you a clawed hand. “Thank you. For your patronage, and for helping my son to find happiness.”

You clasped her hand and shook. Her face remained stoic, but you could hear a tint of sadness in her words.

Looking past her, you noticed the monsters on the street behaving strangely. Instead of the regular bustle you had become accustomed to, the denizens of Valisias were still this morning. They lined either side of the street, looking down the avenue at something.

“What is it?” asked Colo.

“I think my ride might be here…” you said.

Shouting erupted from the street. Walking over to the front window, you arrived just in time to see a woman swaddled in bandages and ornate golden armor take down a minotaur twice her size with a kick and swipe of the crook she was carrying.

“That’s them alright…” said Colo.

The mummy glanced up at you in the window and did a double take. She shouted something in a language you didn’t understand down the street.

“Damn, do they not speak Common in Kyriavalissa?” you asked.

“Everyone speaks Common. But that doesn’t mean they speak it well. Or much of it for that matter.” Said Guyan’s mom.

Rummaging through your bags, you pulled out the amulet of articulation and slipped it on.

“Aww, but you’re so much cuter when you have an accent.” Said Colo.

“They can hear the accent after I make my introduction. I don’t want to botch my first impression.” You said.

orders for the nearby monsters to clear the area. A moment later, a massive carriage rolled into view.

Guyan’s mother whistled. The thing must have been nearly four meters tall and wide. Unlike any other coaches you had ridden in, this one stretched out beyond a square shape, giving it an appearance more like a train car than a stagecoach. Every inch of the monstrous carriage was ornately carved and some of it gilded. A painting of a woman holding the sun in her palm and a sword in her other hand took up most of the side walls under the window.

Two mummies scrabbled over and slid a set of folding steps out from under the car. Standing on either side of the steps, they stood at attention, awaiting for whatever came next.

The door to the carriage swung open. An anubis stepped out, clothed in glistening scale armor. Her helmet was made in the likeness of a jackal, making her look like her divine counterpart on Earth. The lapis lazuli eyes were outlined with electrum. One of her paws rested on the pommel of the khopesh hanging at her side. This must be the boss.

You gulped. The Pharaoh had obviously spared no expense in power or pay to put on such an extravagant display. And here you were, covered in soot and grime, wearing travel clothes that looked like they had been through a paper-shredder. Too late to buy a suit now…

 Grabbing your things, you sallied forth to meet your surety.

Mummies, ghouls, lamias, and other desert monsters had formed a perimeter around the café. It felt as if you were breaking some unspoken taboo by opening the door and stepping out into the tension. The monsters of Valisias murmured and whispered amongst themselves as you approached the carriage. Should you even approach? Were they supposed to come get you? Should you introduce yourself? Since they came to you, did that mean you were technically a host?

Your apprehension was mercifully relieved as the Anubis stepped down onto the muddy street and strode towards you. Even the way she walked was stiff and officious. The mummies guarding the steps broke from their post to walk beside her, spears in hand.

As they stood before you, you were taken aback by the size of the anubis. You had always pictured them as more average sized monsters; beasts meant for menial bureaucratic bean counting. This one stood a few inches higher than you, her height amplified by her cold and unflinching metal visage. She unfurled a rolled papyrus scroll and began to read.

“Anonymous the human…” she boomed. “You have been summoned to her Majesty the Pharaoh Nefkara, Queen of the Sun, Ray of Truth, Light in the Darkness, Heiress of Order, and Vanquisher of Sin.”

You squirmed as the titles rolled out. You REALLY should have sprung for a suit…

“Will you answer her summons?” asked the anubis.

“I will.” You said. It was pathetically quiet, but all the gold and ceremony really did do a good job hammering in just how much of a peasant you were compared to the Pharaoh.

The anubis nodded. “Then come.”

The anubis did a sharp about face and walked back to the carriage. The mummy soldiers stood on either side of you, directing you towards the steps as well.

“Anon!”

You looked to the sky to see Brez and his wives descend from the sky. Voso was with them as well. This was to the extreme displeasure of the harpy guards, who forced them to land outside the perimeter with the rest of the monsters.

“Wait! I need to say goodbye.” You said to the anubis.

She stared at you through her helmet. “Make it quick.”

You dashed to the edge of the circle where your friends were.

“We’ll really miss you!” said Decara.

“Thanks for everything. I really mean it.” Said Imaris.

“You’ll be sure to let us know if you come to visit, right?” asked the motherly succubus.

“Of course. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for all of you.” You said.

“Take care, Anon.” said Brez. You reached through the line to shake his hand. The guards flinched, but allowed him to finish.
The poor dumb-cubuss was crying. “I-I saved you a piece of cake…” she said, holding aloft a mushy pile of crumbs and icing. “But, but, it…”

You smiled. “It’s alright. You can have it.”

Her lip quivered and she broke down into tears. Through heaving sobs, she finished off the last of the cake. “T-thank you for- for always being nice to me. Even though I’m not smart…”

Voso pushed her aside impatiently. “So…”

You were at a loss for words too. “I guess this is goodbye.”

“Still going for Zipangu?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm.”

She seemed rather aloof. Which was never good when you were dealing with a demon.

“I’ll come back to visit.” You offered.

“I’m sure.” Said Voso.

You sighed. “No matter what you think of me, I’ll always be grateful for your help.”

Voso pursed her lips. She swallowed and looked around at the mummies, the dirt, everything but you.

“Goodbye, Voso.” You said.

She smiled. “For now.”

Lunging through the mummies, she gave you a quick hug before wheeling into the sky and shooting off over the eves. You shook your head. Who knows what she would do now? Whatever it was, she was up to no good.

With all your loose ends tied up, you clambered up the wooden steps and boarded the carriage.

~~~~~~~

The interior of the wagon was just as luxurious as the outside implied. On one side, there were two benches facing each other for sitting. A small folding table could be extended to rest in the middle. Opposite the side with the benches, a small bed was separated by a thin curtain. You could tell just by looking at the fabric adorning the mattress that it would be magnitudes more comfortable than the lumpy slab you had been sleeping on here in Valisias. Everything oozed decadence; even the chandelier was crystal.

“Don’t dawdle, come in. Sit.” Said the anubis.

You placed your bags by the small dresser near the bed and took a seat opposite the anubis on the benches. She pulled off her jackal helmet and sighed in relief as she shook her straight, sable hair free. Her turquoise eyes warmed and she gave you a disarming smile as she relaxed into her bench.

“Apologies for the brusque introduction. Personally, I would have preferred if we had taken under less conspicuous terms, but the Pharaoh demands these theatrics. She rules well, but that doesn’t stop her from prioritizing panache over prudence on such occasions.”
You waited for her to continue.

“Ah! By the sun, where are my manners. My name is Tsakali. Vizier to her Highness, and High Judge of Kyriavalissa.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Vizier. I am Anonymous, of Earth.” You said, doing your best to sound as formal as possible in despite not having a title to your name beyond ‘He with a good ass.’

Tsakali smirked. “You are just as strange as all accounts describe you: not quite albino, but unlike any other human I’ve ever seen. Her Highness will be thrilled to make your acquaintance.”

You relaxed a bit. When an anubis had popped out, you had been worried that the whole ride would be spent in silence, watching her do paperwork while you sat quietly in the corner. How wrong you were; there was even a fully stocked bookcase bolted to one wall.
Tsakali continued her inspection of you without trying to hide her curiosity. She cocked her head when she noticed the amulet hanging around your neck.

“That is a translation artifact, no?” she inquired.

“It is.” You said.

“Would you be willing to speak a few words for me in your own language? Her Highness has mandated that the court be at least partially literate in your strange script. She is eager to hear it spoken aloud.” Said Tsakali.
You had learned a long time ago that the best way to get monsters to stop asking you to say things in English was to just say it. If you didn’t, they wouldn’t stop asking. Or they would just take it and make you beg for it in English. Much less humiliating to speak on your own terms. Pulling the necklace off, you greeted her again.
“Good day, Tsakali.” You said.
She giggled. {I see! It really is a strange sound. Say something else!}
You gawked at her, unsure of what she had just said. Whatever language she spoke, it wasn’t Common. She gestured for you to continue.
“I shall be sure to convey my gratitude to the Pharaoh when we arrive in Kyriavalissa.” You said.

Tsakali gave a small clap. You put your amulet back on.

“Very interesting! Her Highness has been trying her best to speak your language based on the books she has obtained about you and any visiting scholars she can coax into the palace. Suffice it to say, I think she will be disappointed to find how little all her tutelage has done for her grasp of the language…”

“If she can read more than a sentence, I’ll be impressed.” You said with a chuckle.

“She’s read the book you published in collaboration with the College of Admaz on your language and culture cover to cover a dozen times. To say she is fascinated by the concept of your world and presence here would be an understatement.”

Maybe this was a bad idea after all… You had already dealt with several “earth-aboos” in your travels already. Dealing with all your “biggest fans who are the only one who REALLY gets you” was already painful enough, but at least they were diminutive nerds or respectful scholars. Most of them anyways. There had been that one harpy that had tried to bluff her way into your pants by pretending to know all about Earth. THAT had been an entertaining conversation. Needless to say, a Pharaoh was neither dork nor bookworm. If she had the gall to send an armored convoy to pick you up in broad daylight in the middle of a town known for churning out mercenaries, slavers, soldiers, and adventurers, she probably wouldn’t mind a little sexual assault.

“Oh, don’t fret. I assure you, Her Highness is disciplined enough to restrain herself. You will be treated with the utmost respect while you are residing in Kyriavalissa.” Said Tsakali.

You nodded. This anubis was good at reading people. Maybe they were all like that. They had presided over judgment of souls on Earth, it stood to reason that some kernel of that keen arbitration and assessment of one’s true thoughts should carry over to this world.
“This trip will take about three weeks, right?” you asked.

Tsakali nodded. “Roughly. We were ordered to retrieve you as fast as possible to ensure your safety. Navigating these foreign lands is arduous, but one we reach the rim of the Capsalisma desert we will be secure from both vagabond and obstruction.”

“Is it really that hard to travel around the continent?” you asked.

Tsakali snorted and scrunched her face. “This land is so soggy! We were delayed by two days because some of our chariots became mired in mud. On the road! To think that you wet-landers allow your transportation networks to fall into such sorry states.” She fumed.
“How is moving through mud any different than moving over dunes?” you asked.

Tsakali wagged her tail. “Dunes are easy. Just attach the proper skids, know where the packed sand is, and how to read the winds.”
Of course, how foolish of you. The last few houses of Valisias flew past as you left the city proper and entered into the sea of surrounding farms. You had survived all the trials Valisias had thrown at you, even when most monsters thought you would crumble.
“Feeling homesick already?” mused Tsakali.

You frowned. Again with the cold reading…

“I haven’t been ‘home’ in a long time.” You said. “Haven’t had one in just as long. I miss the people I meet and the places I’ve been to, but not enough to keep me grounded.”

“You travel often, hmm?” said Tsakali.

“Yeah.”

“Does the thought of settling down scare you?” she asked.

You looked out the window. There was a whole world out there to explore. You would be remiss to not see all it had to offer; but you did yearn for someone to experience this wonderful life with.

“I’d love to settle down. But not yet. I still have things I need to do.” You said. Mentioning that you were in dire need of a wife to the Vizier of a probably single Pharaoh would be rash.

“Of course. You are young. I understand.” Said Tsakali. “I just hope you don’t leave our fair city too soon. There are so many wondrous things to see!”

“I’ve actually been curious about Kyriavalissa. Normally I try to do some cursory research on the places I’m traveling, but I didn’t have much opportunity this time…” you said, running a hand over a tear in your shredded clothes. “Do you mind telling me a bit about the history of Kyriavalissa?”

Tsakali’s eyes lit up and you realized that you may have made a mistake. Her tail was now wagging hard enough to make an audible thump against the cushions she was resting against.

“Why I would be DELIGHTED to tell you a bit about the city.” She said, puffing her chest out a bit.

You unfolded the table between the benches and pulled out your journal. Tsakali’s eyes darted down and for a moment you saw a visage of malicious greed. Then it was gone, just as quickly as it came, and she was looking at you expectantly. Dipping your quill into the inkwell, you began to jot down some notes as Tsakali began her lecture.

The wheels of the wagon rumbled quietly as she spoke, your flamboyant procession carrying you south towards the scorching sands of the Capsalisma desert.