The Calm Storm

People say that it’s darkest before the storm, but frankly, I don’t know what to think, ‘cause everything seems pretty godamned dark to me from where I’m standing.
I’m up against a torrent of men, converging on all sides, rushing and rushing and rushing and rushing, trying to find me, and I don’t blame them any. After all, they’re just trying to do their jobs. They have nothing personal against me, and even if they did, I highly doubt that they’d act upon it with such raw fury---with such intense and unbridled passion---unless they were motivated by something far greater than themselves.
There’s only one thing that’d drive men crazy to such an extreme. It’s not sex, it’s not love, or power or any of that other crap. It’s money. Pure hard cold cash.
Wars have started ‘cause of it, drugs are traded freely using it, and all around the world, it’d be impossible to imagine people living without it.
I know I’ve certainly fucked with it before, but I’m not the only one. Plus, the way I see it, things as they are can change incredibly quickly.
Once I was the king of the world.
Once I was feared.
Once I was powerful
Once I was strong
Once was I loved
But all that now has gone away. All that’s left of me are shattered fragments of what once was. My fancy house, clothes, and car are all but memories, trapped in an alternate universe that seems almost foreign to me.
Sleeping on the streets, in abandoned warehouses, doing odd jobs, having just enough money to pay for food and some cigs and some drugs---whenever I’m able to find them, that is—it’s quite the downfall for me, but then again, I think of all the people I fucked over and I realize that frankly, I probably deserve this.
Karma’s a bitch, for sure, but she’s a fair bitch. If she’s not on your side, then you know you must have fucked up massively, ‘cause she don’t take kindly to people who cross her the wrong way, and whatever you do, you definitely don’t want to get on her bad side, ‘cause she has a habit of popping up when you least want her to.
I think back to my ma. God, would she be disappointed in me. God knows I’ve done pretty much the exact opposite of all that she’s told me to do. I don’t care about my dad. He died when I was three, so he might as well be a made-up character in a story for me now.
At the time though, I took his death really fucking hard. I lost my childishness that day when I learned that life could just as easily take away as it could give, and that was unsettling to me. It also excited me though, since it meant that what with my time being limited, I knew that I wanted to leave a mark.
I didn’t want to be some number on a sheet filled by a suit-wearing, grey-faced bureaucrat. I wanted to stand out, and I could care less what I did so long as I did just that.
I know I must’ve driven my ma crazy, especially during those high school years where I basically didn’t give two shits about what I was doing and just coasted through.
My teenage years were quite the formative time for me since they were the first time that I exposed myself to the world. I discovered a dark side—an underbelly where you could get almost anything you wanted (for the right price, of course)—I made out with a ton of women, got high, messed around, and did a whole bunch of shit that, looking back on it now that I’m older, was honestly really fucking dumb.
I went to jail a bunch of times; never spent more than 18 months. To be honest, I didn’t care. I spent most of my time bulking up and just basically shooting the breeze. It might as well have been a summer camp for rich fucks, ‘cause that’s basically what it was for me.
That’s how I got my start in the business—while I was in prison—and once I finally got out, it just went on from there.
But now, all that stuff’s basically irrelevant. Life ain’t one for nostalgia. Life don’t care what you were or what you’re gonna be. It just keeps on moving and moving and moving, never really stopping, ‘cause that just ain’t what it’s about.
Do I wish I could go back sometimes? Yeah.
Is it gonna happen anytime soon? Nope.
I’m just me. I’m just a guy who once had it all only to lose it all in the end, so I know full well that pride comes before a fall.
I haven’t completely fallen yet though, so I guess that’s a small victory.
I have no clue as to what will be ten or twenty years down the line. Hell, it’s hard for me to even see tomorrow, so I’ll just wander ‘round, searching and searching, trying to look for something that I know I won’t find any more.