I just want to read or watch something. Is that so bad? No, maybe fandom isn't for me anymore, however much I want it...

What starchildren? I don't even remember. Now I'm curious, but I'd probably never do anything with them anyway.

Why so much negativity? Ah. Mostly because thinking about this makes my heart strain and groan. I don't want it. I don't want to avoid it. I complain too much. I just want to be inspired naturally.

No, I don't care if its original... I want to do something on my own and I want it to have merit... It doesn't need to be original, I just want it to be a thing that I've done... without advice... whatever inspiration I have, no direct advice... I mean, no, I don't wanna rip anything of, but if it's not perfectly original, it's not.

This isn't what I was supposed to be doing. But I'm resisting the right kind of thought. Resisting... why? I should want it, should welcome help...

But it honestly feels like none of it is good enough anymore? Why should I try, when the results are guaranteed to disgust me? It's a mindset. It's bad, no good, wrong, I know I shouldn't, I know, I know, I know.

But it's so hard. I can't drag it out. I'd rather do anything else. I'd rather scream and cry uselessly than actually fix the problem now. This isn't a story. What story? I don't want to choose one. There are too many options or none and I don't even want it to be good. If it was too good now, it would invalidate my complaint, because what was I complaining about in the first place? Why does it matter so much to me? Because it's what I used to do, what I want to do, something I miss so much... but if it's really such a problem, why do it? It's good to take a break when something's not fun, right? Right. And it would be so much easier to just give up... I almost want to give up now more than ever... I only hold these thoughts in because I don't want her to give up, because she's much more important and creates much better things, and I don't know what she was talking about, saying she wanted to know where my ideas lead, they don't lead anywhere... I'll give her a good, happy life, I'll communicate with people, I'll find a good career, so will she, and we'll enjoy ourselves... I have confidence in that, if nothing else, but I don't think that would reassure her right now...

I'll worry about this later, right? Once I feel better... though that's a vicious cycle... though I don't know what would make me feel better... I'm such a terrible person. I'm a disappointment. And I can't show her this...

Why do I resist things that are good for me so much?

My feelings are deficient. I am deficient. I feel disgusting, gross to the touch, no one anyone should have anything to do with. Is this depression? Perfect middle-to-upper class life. How do you get depression from that, anyway? Parents, I guess. Pressure. Hurting yourself and cutting yourself off before you even know what you're doing. Yeah, things like that would do it.