Why iv thought about ending my life...

I will warn you this is extreamly depressing and if this upsets you im sorry but you need to know ..

she was 17 when i found out she was pregnant, i think i was about 15 at the time. yea what ever i know what ever
Anyways we tried to keep it a secret, we where going to move in to our own house, I even got a job to try to support, and a car.. a cheap one
sure, parents didnt understand why i wanted a job and a car so badly but what ever.. worked under the table for some liquidation market for abit...
but little did i know she would turn 18 just hardly 2 months after finding this out. 3 months or so pass by she doesnt even tell me about her birthday.
her mom found and, forced her to abort it JUST before she turned 18.
once i found out, i was destroyed. her mother refused to talk to me, refused to let me se her and confert her. She was allready suicidle sence her fathers passing
when she was yunger, i knew it was going to get out of hand. i couldnt tell anyone  so i black mailed her mom into letting us elope.
she will never know i never had anything to black mail her with.... just my own words words.
Scared little fucking bitch with not fucking spine, but it worked. a phew days latter she got in
a accident, drunk tean smashed his truck into her little shity geo metro. didnt have a chance, fucking worthless bitch died. and of corse the kid walks away
not a scratch. normally i wouldnt wish such a thing on some one. But this case..... no remorse... this threw her into an even worse state of depression. latter, she calls me in tears
telling me its not worth it and there is no reasone for me to keep trying to help her...
I told her i would be there as soon as i could, she droped the phone, it was worse then slow motion i remeber every fucking
sound i herd on that phone. I rushed over there as soon as i could. She lived about 10 miles away from me, basically a straight run from where i lived, but the speed limit was 35...
Fuck that
its 2am, doing 120 (i think, my spedo doesnt even go above 110) cop trys to pull me over, seen him turn his lights off.. must of gave up, i kept going.
finnaly.
i got to her house, all the lights where on. A sigh of releafe, start knocking... no answer, lucky me it was unlocked. No sight of her, her cat is even gone...
check her room, not there. call her cell. I here it in the bath room. go to the door, knock she doesnt answer. try to kick it open
Fucking stupid me its also unlocked. She is sitting in tub water overflowing, red as fuck. she cut her fucking wrist all the way up to her elbow. she is hardly breathing face blue as fuck
I couldnt.. i called 911 as fast as i could i couldnt even tell them what the fuck just get over here i tried to tie it off to stop the bleeding why my shirt, she was still there i knew
i could save her, i held her in my arms crying i didnt need to lose her to, i knew we could start over again i knew we could heal, she looked at me and smiled slightly and said
"you came for me?" All i said was i allways will, she couldnt even laugh. Stoped moving, she fucking died in my arms... i panicked and left...
passing 3 cop cars and a ambulance leaving,  maby she didnt die and  i was over reacting.
i tried to find her in the hospital later but the fucking desk laty said
she didnt even make it to the hospital... then the bitch asked me for contact info as i left crying, they didnt even try to stop me...
i shouldnt of left.. should of stayed maby she would of made it ...
right after this shit storm...
my job at the shit wash gave me manager...... worst part of my whole life i was only able to keep it quit because i had a something to fill that hole with... now thanks to my
lust of fucking money, and lack of patience i dont know if i can get that back. and even if i could ... would it ever be the same?

Thats all i can think about is that one, fucking, thought
i shouldnt of left.. should of stayed maby she would of made it ...
To make matters worse for me, or anyone i try to tell this to in hopes of help wont beleave me, because of the secrit life we lived
I used to have pictures of us. her 5 month belly, the buitifull shitty honda i bought and us.. out of rage i deleted them and destroyed my phone,
Throwing it threw a wall taylor didnt undstand why i did .. To be honest, nither do i.